


Veritas Omnia Vincit

by IxBirch



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Female Titan Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), Fluff and Angst, Lovers To Enemies, Marley Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), Miscarriage, POV Alternating, Plotty, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Profanity (lots of it), Return to Shiganshina Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, Spoilers, Trauma, Trost Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), Uprising Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), War for Paradis Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), no betas we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:00:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 57
Words: 249,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28890252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IxBirch/pseuds/IxBirch
Summary: Time passes and more questions come to mind. You can experience the memories of others, but are these glimpses of the future? Is it possible for you to actually change it, or are you a passive observer cursed to watch these events twice?All you know for certain is that the truth is bound to come out.❦This story utilizes both the manga and anime as source materials(Spoilers Ahead)I do not own Attack on Titan | Shingeki no Kyojin, any of the characters, or anything outside of my characters and lore. Outside of that,do notpost my work anywhere else. Thank you.
Relationships: Annie Leonhart/Reader, Bertolt Hoover/Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi/Reader, Ymir Fritz & Reader
Comments: 299
Kudos: 354





	1. The Fall of Shiganshina

**Author's Note:**

> -Chapters marked with a single asterisk ( ***** ) have sexual content.  
> -Chapters marked with a double asterisk ( ****** ) have S4/Ch. 91+ Spoilers.  
> - [🎵](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/260arIa8byEfPT64d0bwTo?si=MJZcx_PnQmaRY7b6VvEpvg)
> 
> ❦
> 
> For readers interested in specific relationships, Annie/Reader ends by Chapter 5, Bertolt/Reader is Chapter 7 - 13 & 35, Levi/Reader is Chapter 19 - End.  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ Imagine if you had a moment with your past self. Revealed to them, your entire history with me, before our paths were set to cross. _
> 
> _Our whole love story mapped out, like a book, where neither of us can change the outcome._
> 
> _If you had the choice, would you go through it again with me? Despite knowing how it ends, would you still want to love me?_   
> Lang Leav, "How It Ends" 

* * *

#### 828 - Mitras

The cold winter winds whipped around the two men standing outside of Mitras’ center, carrying away one of their sighs into the night.

“They have reached a conclusion,” the shorter of the two spoke, encouraging the second to move closer. 

The shorter man took in the appearance of the other. A dark undercut that became disheveled given the weather. A straight posture noting decades of military service, a tight-lipped grimace, and a straight nose that led to his deep brown eyes. Those eyes… Despite having years of experience in schooling his eyes to portray no emotion, they now flooded with frustration, hopelessness, anxiety, and betrayal.

“Well? Are you going to keep me in suspense, Aurille?” 

Aurille grunted, shifting his gaze to the ground. “You can live—,” he spoke, interrupted by the other man’s relieved breath, “only if you comply with the terms set forth.”

“I assume they want me as far away as possible.”

“Indeed,” Aurille sighed before gesturing their return to the palace. “This whole fiasco is ridiculous. You’re lucky I vouched for you the way I did. I don’t even know why I did. Father would be disappointed in you, Ansem.”

“I cannot argue with you on that front. I’m sorry that it came to this.”

“I hope she is worth it, Ansem. You’ll be leaving behind the family, the First Interior Squad, the king!” Aurille pinched the bridge of his nose, unused to the stress this event brought upon him.

“If you’re so upset with this, then why did you help?” 

“Because you’re my brother. You’ll have to renounce the Verite name, titles, and lands, but you’ll live.” 

Ansem’s steps faltered while Aurille continued in his ascent to the palace doors. Noticing his brother’s disappearance, he paused. 

“We don’t have time to stop. This matter must be resolved and you are to be out of Sina by daybreak.”

“Understood.”

****

* * *

#### 845 - Wall Maria

The crisp morning air bites at your nose as you follow behind your father. Enthusiasm pushes you in the dark, despite your father’s obvious anxiety.

He keeps shifting his attention just over his shoulder, looking away when he makes eye contact. It's understandable, you suppose. He made this promise in a last-ditch attempt to prevent you from joining the Survey Corps. You settled for joining the Garrison if he would just take you to the top of the wall each morning until you entered training. He relented when Pixis laughed it off and gave his permission. Nearly at your destination, your father stops and turns to you.

“Why? Why do you want to be a member of the scouts? Why the military at all? You could finish medical training and work with your mother.”

You pause at the query. It isn't that you are unprepared for it—he had been asking almost as much as you had pestered him about him training you. He is right in that you had made strides with your mother. She used to be some kind of big doctor within Wall Sina years past but settled with your father in Shiganshina. Before she met Dr. Yeager, you would help her tend to orphans around the boundary of Southern Wall Maria. 

You still helped in Shiganshina, ~~and you were damn good at it if you were being honest with yourself,~~ but the last time you traveled to another village, your cart had been attacked. She kept a shotgun under the seat, which was enough to scare them away, but they terrified you. Your father took it upon himself to begin teaching you self-defense and reluctantly taught you some basic offense. 

“I… don’t want to feel weak again. I don’t want to be a burden or... or something to be manipulated. I want to be free. You know?”

His eyes had been trained on your face as you spoke, and the harsh reminder of that night and your lasting reaction to it compels him to look away. With a sigh, he steps towards you and pulls you into a hug.

“You’re not weak, bug. You have always been so strong and damned stubborn… Never weak. I just worry about you. You were there when Shadis returned from that last expedition. Hardly any of the scouts returned. And I’m not saying you aren’t capable, because if you set your mind to killing those titans, you would,” he whispers into your hair as his hand strokes your back.

“Then why?” you mumble into the rose patch on his jacket pocket.

“Because I lost enough of my family, as it is. I don’t want to lose you or your mother,” he laments. You pull back to take in his brown eyes. He never talks about his family. It has always been a mystery to you, so to mention it now speaks to the sincerity of his fear.

“Okay. I mean, I already promised to join the Garrison. I wouldn’t want to disappoint you. Or the old man.” 

Your father chuckles in response and ruffles your hair as he steps back towards the wall. 

“I’ll admit, he’d be mighty disappointed if you didn’t join him. He’d probably promote you the minute you did something impressive,” he raises his hand to a man farther down the wall to signal for the lift. 

“Hmmm… I guess. You know, he didn’t complain when he caught me practicing with your ODM gear,” you hum, intentionally looking in the direction of the descending lift. Your father didn’t know about that incident. If he had, he would have stopped his informal (and illegal) training months ago.

His eyes whip to your face, and upon noticing your smirk, an exasperated breath slips out. “You’re lucky that he sees us as family. For not telling me about that, you’ll be working with your mom for the rest of the week. No ODM, no combat, no nothing, understand?”

The lift stabilizes on the ground, and you remain silent as you two climb on. 

“Yes, sir.” 

The closer you got, the faster your heart beats. Your dad pulls you into a side hug and ruffles your hair again. 

As you exit, your attention immediately turns to the sight before you. Your legs move you forward, or so you believe. You aren’t entirely sure how you got to the edge, but here you are. The sun, oh _fuck_ , **the sun!**

Before you lay hills covered with trees comparable to those of the Forest of Giant Trees. Lush green valleys are cut by the river that slices through Shiganshina. Land going on and on and on. Your breath catches in your throat as the sun continues its ascent into the sky. The sky has turned from the shades of royal blue that hint the end of night into shades of fire. Crimson and bronze and amber and gold. A sudden gust of wind greets you from below, nearly knocking you to your ass had your father not already been trying to pull you from the edge.

“Be careful, bug. It can get windy up here, especially at the edge.” 

An exhilarated laugh escapes you as you turn your sights from the sky to your dad. “Yeah, I got that,” you titter. The morning breeze hadn’t the benefit of warmth just yet, and you immediately regret not bringing your jacket. 

Your dad notices as a violent shudder passes through you and shrugs off his jacket before placing it over your shoulders. 

“Thanks, dad,” you whisper, pulling your arms through the sleeves. You notice a pin under the lapel and pull it into view. “Is-Isn’t this the insignia for the Military Police? You were in the Military Police?!” 

His face falls instantaneously and he averts his eyes to something behind you. You thought you heard a quiet “Fuck,” as he looks in the direction of the oncoming garrison members. 

“Dad?” 

He flinches at your address and turns back to the men approaching. “We’ll talk about this later,” he mutters.

Presumably investigating the two people at the top of the wall, the garrison members stand at attention upon identifying your dad. You look at your dad with a silent question, and he chuckles before nodding for you to continue. 

You approach the two men and circle them, appreciating their stance and salutes. A dribble of sweat makes its way down the tall blonde’s forehead and you smile internally.

“HANNES!” you shout, “YOUR SALUTE IS SLOPPY!” 

He glares daggers at you while your father has to hold back his laughter. The second soldier watches as you step closer and sniff them.

“JAKOB! YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE WHISKEY! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!” 

He nearly faints as your father’s laughter finally escapes. He dismisses their salutes and instructs them to ignore your antics. Tension visibly leaves their forms before they address their captain.

“Captain Ansem! We were set to patrol the top of the wall this morning and were surprised to see you and the kid,” Hannes smiles as he pats your head.

“Ah, yeah. I probably should have warned you guys. Pixis agreed to allow her presence atop the wall in exchange for her joining the Garrison instead of the Survey Corps.” 

“The Survey Corps? Agh, not you, too!” 

“What’s wrong with the Survey Corps? Going out there seems pretty amazing,” you gesture towards the other side of the wall.

Hannes places his arm around your shoulder and indicates for you to look down at the base of the wall. A group of about three ten-meter titans are clawing at the wall, eyes set on the four of you, their hands grasping in child-like want as their eyes lack intention and their mouths salivate at a prospective meal. You try to hide your shudder from Hannes before he continues. “See them? They usually just wander about aimlessly. We’re safe here in our walls—always have been, always will be. If they decide to try anything, we’ll stop them. But the scouts? They just keep going out there and dying—”

“But you’re not saying that they aren’t dangerous, are you? I mean, there’s a reason that the scouts’ numbers keep dwindling, and it’s not because they’re stupid!”

“They keep leaving the safety of the walls and finding titans—”

“The safety of the walls?” you nearly shout, shrugging yourself from his arm. “You see all that freedom and don’t want to taste it?! You see what used to be ours and you don’t want to fight for it? Dad! Don’t tell me that you’re like that, too!” Your head turns so quickly you wonder whether you gave yourself whiplash.

Instead of addressing your question, your dad turns to Hannes. “What do you mean, ‘not you, too’?”

“Ahh,” Hannes flushes (whether by the alcohol you were certain to be smelling, or having been caught saying something he shouldn’t have, you weren’t sure), “well, the doctor’s son spouts off the same stuff. A lively one, that kid. I don’t know if Grisha knows,” he finishes with a shrug.

Your dad contemplates this before dismissing the men. You become increasingly disgruntled with his reluctance at answering your last couple of questions. He waves for you to follow as he begins walking in the direction that Hannes and Jacob had just left. 

Impatience growing, you pull on his arm to try to stop him.

“Dad, why are you ignoring me?” you whine.

A pregnant pause grows between the two of you, and just as you are about to burst it, your father speaks.

“There is a lot I haven’t told you, and there is a lot I cannot tell you. I suppose I can start telling you some of the former to prepare you. You aren’t my little girl anymore, that’s for sure.” He wraps his arm around you while continuing his march forward. “I promise that I’ll start telling you once we find somewhere more… secluded.”

Your brows furrow, but you accept his words with a simple stretch of your arm around his waist. 

Sensing your frustration, he cedes, “To tell you the truth, it drives me crazy that we are stuck behind these walls. I know there’s more out there, and if it weren’t for you or Miriam, I would have joined the Survey Corps.”

❦

The sun, now firmly in the sky, warms your exposed skin. You and your father are sitting on the edge of the wall, facing Shiganshina. You digest the story he told, or what little of it he could, as your eyes scan over the peaceful town. Seeing familiar landmarks and houses at such a distance, your heart flutters. You raise a finger to a particular building and turn to your father.

“Do you think mom is with the Yeagers now?”

His eyes follow your line of sight and find their house. Glancing to the sky, he shakes his head. “No, I believe Dr. Yeager said he was needed in the interior. Miriam told me she’d be joining him. They should have left by now.”

“Yeah? So does that mean I get to be the one to make dinner tonight?” 

A light chuckle escapes him. “No, no. None of that. Maybe tomorrow. I figured tonight I’d take you to the old saloon.”

“You don’t think I’m too young?!”

“Ahah, they’ll let you in if I’m with you. Maybe they’ll have good wine. Great way to make ol’ man Pixis like you,” he teases.

“Dad! He already likes me,” you smile as you push back to stand yourself up.

Quicker than you, he helps you up, just as a loud crash and a warm gust of wind bursts from behind you. You barely turn around and glimpse a red hand grasping the wall about thirty meters from where you stand. Your father sees it and, before you can process it, pushes you off the wall.

Your breath leaves you as you tumble through the air, your father not too far above you. He triggers his ODM gear and hurtles towards you. Remembering his lessons, you spread out to slow your descent. He pulls on your arm to bring you against his chest before propelling you two away from the gate. Over his shoulder, you watch in horror as you see an explosion of stone. Looking up, you see what appears to be the top of a head over the space you two had previously occupied. 

As the dust settles, sunlight beams through the hole that was the gate.

##  _Ba-Thump. Ba-Thump. Ba-Thump. Ba-Thump._

You can't hear anything past your heartbeat. A grinning being with dull eyes marches through. A glance above reveals the disappearance of the red titan. The landing is sloppy, the force of it yanking you from your father and onto your back—impact hard enough to knock the wind from you.

People around you are either panicking or still shocked at what happened. A couple of people run into you while they try to escape. Your father frantically looks around and his eyes catch your dazed figure. He pushes people out of the way in an attempt to grab you. 

Your shoulders are suddenly gripped and you tear your eyes from that first titan to the terrified eyes of your father. He keeps shouting at you, but you can't hear him. He slaps you and the screams of your neighbors flood your senses as you grasp your cheek.

“—! Did you hear me? I need you to get to the river right now! Get on one of the ferries! I have to stay, give direction to my men—”

“Dad? Why… why is this happening?” 

Your whimper nearly breaks him but he shakes you before asking, “Did you hear me?” Following no response, he grabs your arm and takes off running. “Dammit! I need to find my men, but I can’t do that until I know you’re safe!”

Tears shed from your eyes as you are pulled along by your father. You were better than this! You have more training to be equipped in situations like this than almost any other civilian adult! You wanted to be a scout, and here you were, unable to move on your own. 

The two of you weave through the streets, having to make detours at finding debris from the wall and buildings having destroyed streets, houses, shops. Blood often coats the debris, and you have the misfortune of seeing mangled people throughout. Fuck, you are lucky that your dad had acted as quickly as he did. You are lucky to be alive.

Seeing the ferries ahead, your father stops and pushes you towards them.

“Get on one! Find your mother! If you can’t, find your uncle Aurille in Sina!”

“Wait—Dad, no! Don’t leave without me! Come with me!” The tears are now completely obscuring your vision and it takes all of your will to keep standing.

Your dad makes a strangled sound before taking a step forward and cupping your face between his hands. 

“Listen to me. I’m going to do everything I can to find my way back to you, but I can’t do that until I know you’re safe. Please, please just do this for me.”

He leans in to press his lips to your forehead, and on contact, it feels as though someone is lighting a match on your head. 

_Two boys, one short and thick, the other taller and more wiry. A wealthy looking man who resembled them both, showing them a hidden room behind a thick bookcase._

_A graduation ceremony, featuring a dark haired man standing at the forefront._

_A man with dirty blonde hair and glasses begging before men dressed in Military Police garb. Tears staining his face and beard. A blade aimed at his throat._

_A collision with a familiar woman carrying a covered basket. The man followed her down a flight of stairs into a dark passageway. He watched as she traveled, offering a kind smile before stopping. She called out something indistinguishable and he reached for his weapon when several figures approached her._

_The man, saluting to an older man with a greying mustache. The latter presenting a military jacket, roses on the back._

People push past you as the two of you remain in the same position with the same slack-jawed shock evident on your features. You both speak at the same time— 

“Dad?”

“It’s you.”

Confusion floods your nervous system as you shuffle through varying stimuli. Urgency even more present in your father’s eyes, you nod your head at his previous commands. 

“Go. Find your uncle. He can tell you more, I promise.”

“I love you, Dad,” you weep.

“You, too, kid.”

You watch as he runs to nearby soldiers and gives them directions. One of them shakes their heads violently, their tears visible from your distance. He looks back in your direction and gives you a soft smile.

* * *

####  Winter 845 - Mitras

It is early winter, and months have passed since Wall Maria had fallen. You haven’t heard from your father since that day. You heard that your mother had disappeared around the same time as Dr. Yeager. It was only by the grace of Commander Pixis that you are able to proceed this far.

Even now, as you struggle to feel your frozen toes and you shiver violently, the Military Police surround you in the courtyard. You are finally here, the place where your father had told you to go. The place that had answers?

You still aren’t sure what that means, but this was all that you had left of your father. 

What had happened the last time you touched? What were those memories? Visions? What could you even call them? They were virtually foreign, with only a couple of recognizable figures. You had more questions, and the longer you stood in the cold, the more you felt you weren’t going to get answers.

The shift in Military Police stance tells you that someone is coming. Hopefully Aurille. Maybe, someone to finally put you out of your misery, you think darkly. 

It is two men. One is shorter—still taller than you, but shorter than most of the men present—and more round. Well-fed. His clothes are well-pressed and his walk deliberate. The taller man, another Military Police flunky, has a slight face with borderline slate-grey hair and dead eyes. No, not quite… under the surface, you see something darker. Assessing you?

Once they are within a meter of you, they stop. The atmosphere tenses as the silence continues. You suddenly feel like it is harder to breathe.

“This is the one?” the short man turns to the soldier next to you.

“Yes, sir. She said her father had sent her, and she has a letter from Garrison Commander Pixis.”

“Your father… sent you? Who is your father?” The stout man regards you with unfeeling eyes.

“Sir, my father was Captain Ansem stationed in Shiganshina. He told me to seek you out.” 

At this, his eyes widen for a brief moment, while the man at his side stiffens.  
“I see. Ansem, you say? What was his last name?”

“Uh, actually, sir, he told us he didn’t have one.”

“Us?”

“My mother and I,” you pause. “He never spoke of his past or his family, but mentioned Aurille was his brother.”

The man with dead eyes grasps his weapon and your breath catches.

The shorter man waves him down and then signals for all else to leave. “Please, come inside dear. What did you say your name was?”

You stand, unsure of your safety, before answering.

"Vertrauen?"

"Yes, sir. It was my mother's name."

Once inside, he ushers you into the room right of the foyer. A large kitchen with appliances too expensive for you to have even dreamed of having. Counters covered with a mineral you had never seen before. He gestures for you to sit at a small table with a bench that faces the front windows. 

You oblige and notice that the tall man pull a single chair from the other side of a tall cabinet. 

The two of you regard each other as the tall man approaches the table and sits in the chair he brought over. 

“Sir, I—" You shut up when he raises a hand. 

“I am Aurille. I’m not certain why this man Ansem has sent you to me. Do you have an idea?”

You look at your fingers as you fidget. A short breath escapes you before you answer. “No sir. He said it the last time I saw him, but I don’t know why.”

“I see.” He watches your movements before turning to the other man. “Sannes, why don’t you introduce yourself?”

“Sir. I am Djel Sannes, with the Military Police. I serve at the behest of the king.”

“Oh. Thank you, Mr. Sannes,” you mumble as you glance up at Aurille. 

He studies you with unrivaled intensity, eyes flickering to various aspects of your face. This continues for another minute before he breaks the silence.

“Miss Vertrauen. Have you had anything odd happen to you? Seeing things that weren’t there, or experiencing memories that weren’t your own?”

His question catches you off guard, and as much as you want to answer honestly, something tugs at the back of your mind. Something warning you away from him, away from revealing your last moments with your father.

“I, uh… I’m not sure I understand,” you hesitate, “Do you mean like a dream?”

A puff of annoyance leaves him, disappointment clear in his features. Sannes, on the other hand, looks part-relieved, part-confused at Aurille’s reaction.

“I see. In that case, I am not sure what more I can do for you.” When you look back up, Aurille’s face is carefully masked to casual disinterest. 

You bow your head as despair flushes through you. “Thank you, Aurille. Thank you, Djel. I know that it was a lot for me to come here and that you were unnecessarily kind, especially since I wasted your time. It means a lot that you met with me.”

Aurille speaks up one last time. “Miss Vertrauen. I am sorry for your loss, and that I am not the person you seek. Please, allow me to at least pay for your travel back to Commander Pixis.”

Your head shoots up at this, surprise etched across your face. “I… I don’t know… No, please, you don’t have to—”

“Please. I insist.”

Tears fill your eyes as you promptly shut your mouth. You nod in thanks, afraid of what would come out of your mouth should you start speaking.

❦

The carriage took off as Sannes and Aurille watched on. By this time, the sun was well into its descent and soft snow had begun to fall.

Sannes turned to Aurille before speaking, “Do you think she’s the daughter of Ansem Verite?”

Aurille considered the man to his side before turning back to the house. “I’m certain of it. She’s his daughter. I don’t know what he told her, but I know she was lying. Observe her, but do not act without my consent. If you must, bring her in.”

* * *

####  Spring 846 - Trost

You have been in Trost since your failed trip to Mitras. You weren’t sure what to expect, but you feel completely lost. Frustrated that your dad’s last request had come to nothing. You know that the man you had met with is the one he sent you to see, but you don’t know why. When he asked you that question, you were suddenly afraid for your life. But why?

You remain with Wall Maria refugees, despite Pixis’ invitation to live with him. It’s not that you don’t want to, but you want to stay with people who remind you of home. The ~~culling~~ mission to retake Wall Maria had left considerably less strain on the city. Every now and then, you come across familiar faces, like Dr. Yeager’s son and his friends, but they are too rowdy for you to stay with for long. At least, Eren is.

The ax in your hands shakes as you continue chopping through these thoughts. Hunger is starting to get to you, but you have to finish working before you could ask for your food. A half-hour later, you finish cutting the wood and manage to haul it onto your back. 

The sun was high in the sky, bringing uncharacteristic heat for this time of year. You wipe the sweat off your forehead as you trek back to the base. Your eyes glance over to the fields where other refugees are trying to tend to the unyielding crops. Better labor that allowed for you to work in partial shade than that nonsense. 

Busy surveying the fields, you fail to notice the rock that is in your path. Weary with hunger, your feet drag along the ground until your face meets the ground with a quiet thud.

“Fuck,” you mutter as you try to lift yourself up. You never were great with push-ups, and the additional weight of the wood only adds to the stress. You resign yourself to this punishment for never taking your dad seriously about this when you hear the quiet steps of another coming your way.

“Hey! Are you okay?”

“Nnnnnnn—” you grumble as you struggle to shift your head so you could speak with whoever was talking to you. “No, not really. Unless you consider being crushed by wood and weak arms ‘okay.’”

You hear a soft chuckle. “Hey, Reiner, come here and help me out!” They crouch down so you can get a better look at them (to little avail), and gently say, “My friend and I will help you up. Can you move at all?”

Your legs make futile little kicks as you joke, “Does that count?”

Another chuckle. “I guess I wasn’t specific enough, but that works.” You hear him shift again as another set of footprints come near.

“What happened here?” the other voice asks.

“I’m not entirely sure, but I think she tripped. Help me get her up,” the first voice says, standing up.

You feel pressure as they each grab an arm before feeling weightless. 

“Oh! That works!” Back on your feet, you look at your two saviors. The one closest to you is taller than you, enough to need to look up. His deep green eyes take you in, and all you could do was sweat for an entirely different reason unrelated to the heat. Heat spreads across your face as you quickly look away and take in the boy to your left. He is taller than you but less so. His short blonde hair sticks up every which way, probably due to the sweltering heat, and his golden eyes watch with intrigue. “Uh, thanks, guys.”

“So what happened?” the blonde asks as you three resume heading back.

“Ah, you know, the usual. Cutting wood. Hungry. Tripping over my own feet in hopes that two cute guys come to my rescue,” you let out a breathy chuckle.

“Mission accomplished then?” remarks the blonde with a playful smile.

“Ahaha, yeah, I guess so,” you smile before offering a name.

“Heh, that’s fine. I’m Reiner, and that,” he gestures to the tall brunette, “is Bertolt.”

* * *

####  Summer 846 - Trost

The boys turn out to be a year or two younger than you. Coming from a village away from Shiganshina, soldiers never made it to warn them and were surprised by an influx of titans and an acute lack of military to fight them. They had found a small girl, Annie, and the three of them total the survivors of that village. They introduce you at your request and you find her quiet disposition pleasing to be around.

Your days are filled with manual labor to help care for both those already living in Trost and the refugees, but you always find one of the three by your side. 

Reiner’s playful determination leads to fun conversations and small bickering. He becomes the brother you never had, in a way. 

Bertolt is much more amiable, with gentle smiles and light discussions that lead well into the night. 

Annie and you hardly feel the need to converse, instead considering each other’s company to be enough. You two bond over constantly feeling as though you need to defend yourself from male aggressors, and after you reveal your dad had trained you in some combat, she opens up about her father having trained her. 

The boys, having overheard the conversation, look with anticipation. You eagerly ask if you could train with her and pull her into a tight hug at her small smirk and slight nod. 

❦

That night, you two meet in the middle of a grassy field with Reiner and Bertolt eagerly following behind. 

“Guys, is this really necessary? Or are you offering yourselves to be punched by me when we’re done?” You turn, continuing backward towards Annie.

Reiner flashes a cheeky smile, and Bertolt has the grace to flush. 

“We’ll see how you feel when you’re done,” the blonde provides. “We’ll fight the winner.”

“Oh-ho-ho, will you now? Feeling a bit cocky? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure either of us would be able to knock your ass down.” 

A soft chuckle causes you to turn your head to Annie, who is stretching in place. 

“Hey, now, don’t drag me into this,” Bertolt remarks softly, his hands up in surrender.

The two sit down as you get into position, stretching yourself. Noticing Annie giving attention to her legs, you begin to do the same. 

Standing up, both of you take your stances. With her defensive pose, you take up an offensive one. You lunge with a fist, only for Annie to dodge and attempt a kick to your shin. Jumping out of the way, you open yourself up to her flipping you with your own momentum and locking her arm around your shoulder and neck. Taking a deep breath—probably the last one you can in this position—you use your arms and legs to push yourself off the ground and roll her onto her back. 

Her grip weakens in surprise and you seize the opportunity to duck out of it. Realizing her hold failed, she curls into herself. You are straddling her and getting increasingly frustrated at her subtle dodges, leaving yourself open. With a quick jab, she hits your cheek hard enough for you to stagger back. She wiggles out of your hold and jumps back to an upright position. 

Her movement knocks you back on your ass, and you roll yourself back on your arms and propel upwards. Now taking a defensive stance yourself, she attempts a sweeping kick aimed at your head. You lunge in your duck, allowing for you to grab her thigh and throw both of you to the ground. 

“Fuck! You don’t mess around,” you huff as you roll on top of her. 

Her serious gaze breaks into a smile as she brings her elbow down on your head. “Nope.”

Dazed, you take a moment before realizing that she had wrangled you onto your back and had your arm locked in an armbar. 

“You give?” she asks, lifting her hips just enough to cause serious pain to your elbow.

“AH, FUCK! YEAH,” you pant as you tap her leg frantically. “I GIVE!”

She releases your arm and bounces back to her feet. You lay there, your chest heaving, looking at the tiny girl with wonder. She extends her hand and you accept her offer. You two rejoin the boys, you breathing considerably heavier than her. 

“Well, Reiner?” you wheeze. “You said you’d fight the winner.” You wrap your arm around Annie and tap her shoulder.

Despite her stoic expression, you can see the pleasure in her eyes at the fight.

Adjusting your sight to Reiner, you notice a nervous grin stretch across his face. 

“I did, didn’t I? Heh, okay, but after she’s done kicking my ass, I want to take you on.”

Annie looks eager to kick his ass as she leads him to where you two just were. 

Bertolt pats the ground beside him as he takes in your disheveled state.

Letting out a long sigh, you relent. Sitting next to him ~~(perhaps a little too close?)~~ , you murmur, “If mom could see me now.” Slumping against Bertolt, you're quite aware that if she had seen you here, she would smack your forehead for sitting after exerting yourself.

“You don’t talk about her a lot. You told us about your dad, but what about your mom?” he asks, leaning into you to offer support. 

“She… I don’t know what happened to her. I know my dad probably died fighting a titan, but I don’t know… There’s this other kid from Shiganshina. His dad was a doctor, and so was my mom. Before he arrived, it was just my mom helping everyone in south Wall Maria,” you reminisce. Bertolt respects your pause, watching on as Reiner is too slow to dodge another kick by Annie. 

“My dad told me just before—just before the wall fell, that she had left with the other doctor to the interior. But I haven’t heard anything from her, or about her. It was rumored that Dr. Yeager disappeared, and I don’t know what to do about that information. I mean, he was the last one to be with her,” you whisper, missing the way Bertolt starts at the mention of Dr. Yeager.

After a minute of silence, Bertolt speaks again. “You said your dad was in the Garrison, right?”

“Yeah,” you breathe as you lay back into the grass.

“How did they meet? Did she patch him up or something?” 

“No, dad was actually pretty good at avoiding injury,” you laugh. “She used to live in Stohess if you can believe it. She trained there, only because her father was tired of her spending his money on orphans in the Underground. I don’t know what dad was doing so far in, but he said he followed her into the Underground and watched as she patched up anyone who needed it. He was so afraid that she would be stabbed that he…”

Your sentence catches in your throat as you remember something that was not yours.

_A collision with a familiar woman carrying a covered basket. The man followed her down a flight of stairs into a dark passageway. He watched as she traveled, offering a kind smile before stopping. She called out something indistinguishable and he reached for his weapon when several figures approached her._

You shoot up in realization as Bertolt startles and watches you with wide eyes.

“Hey! A-Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m great. I think,” you mutter as you remember a way to test your hypothesis. Stumbling upwards, you use Bertolt’s shoulder to help you up. “I, uh, I think I have to go.”

You grab your jacket, the last memory of your dad, and absentmindedly give Bertolt a kiss on the top of his head before running back to Trost. 

Annie and Reiner finish and are already approaching where you two were, Reiner with new bruises. They watch in confusion as you run off and you miss Reiner's comment on Bertolt's blush.

* * *

####  Summer 846 - Garrison Commander Pixis’ Office

Retaining the letter from Pixis, you manage to convince his officers to let you into his office. You wait in the chair in front of his desk for his arrival.

Tall bookshelves line the wall behind his thick desk. His chair is made of leather most people in Shiganshina couldn’t afford. Next to the door that you entered through is a tall cabinet with glass doors. It is filled with a variety of wines and a couple bottles of liquor. Sneaking a glance at the window, you watch as the sun slowly wakes up the people within the walls.

Was it possible that what you had seen last year was actually memories of your dad? _His_ memories? Did he see them, too? What did he mean when he said, “It’s you?” What were you?

Too deep in thought, you miss the entrance of Pixis, Anka, and Gustav. 

“Good morning. I must say, I was none too pleased with the time I woke up, but when I learned it was you, I didn’t mind.” 

“Sir! It’s good to see you! Sorry for waking you up—I didn’t mean to, really,” you swivel as he takes his seat behind his desk. Anka grips your shoulder and Gustav nods in silent greeting when you look over. 

“It’s not every day that I receive an unannounced guest who convinces my men to let in,” he chuckles, taking a glass of amber liquid that Gustav hands him.

“Eh, sorry about that. I still have the letter you gave me,” you mumble as you grab the offending document from your breast pocket and hand it back to him.

“Did you find the answers you were looking for?” 

“Not exactly… Well, no. Not at all.” 

“That’s disappointing. There’s only one Aurille I know of,” he remarks, a note of disdain at the end of his sentence.

“It’s okay, really. I’m here because I wanted to ask some questions. I was just… thinking back to dad and I wanted to hear some stories,” you hedge.

He regards you as he takes a slow sip from. “Some stories, or one in particular?” 

You lean back in the chair with a huff. “Well, I guess one. But before that, one question?”

He nods, taking a larger drink.

“Uh, well, okay. The last time I saw him, I asked if he was in the Military Police,” you admit. It isn’t a hard question—people transferred to other branches of the military all the time. Why is this causing you so much anxiety?

His eyes sharpen as he puts down the empty glass. “Indeed, he transferred from the Military Police and into the Garrison,” he answers, waiting for further prompting.

“Sir, ah, no. P-Pixis? Can you tell me where he was stationed in the MP?”

“I cannot specify, but it was mostly in Wall Sina.” 

You sit on this, knowing that for your mom to have helped the Underground and your dad to have met her there, he would have had to be stationed close by. “Can you, I mean, would you be willing to tell me about the first time you guys met?” 

“He came to me in the night with a letter from his commander. It was, oh, about twenty years ago, now. I took one glance at the letter and I was surprised.”

“Surprised, sir?”

“Yes, surprised. He was quite distinguished. He had graduated top of his class with an impeccable record in the Military Police. Not many soldiers want to go from the most exclusive branch to the Garrison. I asked him if he was certain, offered him a position as my second, and he declined. He said that if there was an opening for a captain, he would accept. As it so happened, I needed one in Shiganshina. I gave him his jacket and sent him on his way.”

Again, the memory flashes before your eyes. 

“Th-thank you, sir. I’m sorry for disturbing your sleep,” you say as you stand to shake his hand.

He swats your hand away and makes his way to you, arms open. “Enough with the ‘sir’ shit. You’re family,” he speaks into your hair as you embrace him. “But a word of warning, you’re asking dangerous questions. Be careful, my dear.”

You offer no response, letting his warning settle in your stomach with the rest of your nerves. Instead, you give him a small nod. 

“Oh, and don’t forget to sign up.”

You pull away, preparing for your departure, and ask, “Sign up for what?”

“The 104th training corps. I imagine your dream hasn’t died?”

A small smile graces your lips as you retreat to his office door. “No. No, it hasn’t.”


	2. The Eve of the 104th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i_   
>  _can't seem_   
>  _to recall_   
>  _agreeing_   
>  _to be a_   
>  _casualty_   
>  _of these_   
>  _manmade_   
>  _disasters._
> 
> Amanda Lovelace, "-cyclone"

* * *

####  Autumn 846 - Trost

You had forgotten about joining the Cadet Corps, having missed the opportunity to be a part of the 103rd, so you make certain you're a part of the 104th.

Upon returning to your friends, you offer no details other than a meek apology and a brief location. They respond oddly when you mention Commander Pixis, and after failing to explain your guys’ relationship, you just brush the encounter off and dive headfirst in training.

If you are going to do this, you are going to be the best you could, if for no other reason than to honor your dad.

❦

The days pass with untold speed as you take care to steadily increase your carrying load while working. You eat controlled portions, similar to what you had been told the cadet corps would be served. After working, you either take to running as far as you could around the outskirts of the city, or you train with Annie.

Despite knowing that hand-to-hand is not something they took particularly seriously, you still refused to let yourself be a burden. You wouldn’t let your size be a weakness, especially while watching both Reiner and Bertolt continue to grow while your size remained. 

You honestly relish in those times. Annie had become dear to you in the short time since you knew her, and being able to fight brings a joy to her otherwise unseen.

She mentions that she didn’t have the best relationship with her dad, and that he pushed her mercilessly during training, but she still wants to get back to him, at least one last time. That night you wrap your arms around her and she let you.

❦

_You were atop the wall again, with the sun warming your bones. A pleasant breeze kissed your neck as you tilted your face towards the source of the warmth. Idle chatter took place around you and excitement filled your soul._

_No, you weren’t atop the wall again. This was a different one. Opening your eyes and gazing ahead, you saw glimpses of another in the distance._

_A sigh escaped your lips as you turned back to your task at hand. You were maintaining one of the cannons at the top of the wall. A quick glance showed others doing the same. Young men and young women. You couldn’t recognize a single face, but they felt familiar nonetheless._

_Down the way was a small gathering of about six or so people, one of them with brown hair tied back and her jacket opened as if to reveal hidden contraband._

_You released a small chuckle and continued with your task._

_A sickening **CRACK** and a stronger breeze stopped your heart. _

_Not again._

You feel a small shake, emanating from your shoulder. It's not you, though. You aren’t moving. 

Another whimper. Another shake. 

Wait. Why can’t you hear anything?

“—. Please?”

Why can’t you move of your own volition?

Another shake. 

“Hnnnnn?”

“Fucking finally.”

You shift towards the voice, and in doing so, find yourself face to face with Annie. Your eyes widen once you realize there was almost no distance between the two of you. 

It isn’t like you two hadn’t been this close before. Your training sessions land you in a myriad of odd positions with the small blonde before you. 

But this? This was different. 

Your breath catches in your chest and a distinct fluttering in your gut blurs your vision. Still, her usually bored eyes are alight with some emotion. 

You want to extend your hand to brush her hair out of her face, but your hand stalls and you let the moment pass undisturbed.

Some shuffling sound draws her attention away and she turns towards the noise.

Coming out of the trance, you let go of the air you had kept trapped in your chest. You shuffle yourself up using your elbows to prop yourself and follow her line of sight.

“Hey! Are you guys okay?” a familiar timbre exclaims. 

You swear you hear her mumble something, but she just stands up and turns her head away from the lot of you.

_Oh._

Wait. Why does that fill you with disappointment? 

“Yeah, the fuck do you mean are we ‘okay?’” You shout, picking yourself up. You brush off grass from your clothes and notice the distinct shape of flat grass where you once laid. 

Huh. Did you two fall asleep out here?

“Bertolt and I were worried when we didn’t see you come back for dinner,” Reiner explains once reaching you. You look up, only to find his gaze on the receding back of the slim blonde.

“Oh. I’m… sorry? Wait, were you guys worried?” you tease.

Reiner swats your accusatory finger from his face and shifts his gaze back to you. You notice Bertolt a little further away, eyes focused on the direction that she left. 

“Well, yeah,” he shuffles, scratching the back of his neck. “We wanted to ask you about the training corps.”

“Oh. OH! Are you guys going to sign up?” 

Reiner enjoys the newfound twinkle in your eye before offering you a genuine smile. 

“Bertolt and I signed up yesterday morning, but we hadn’t a chance to tell you. Since you were a military brat, we wanted to know what it would be like.” His hand shifts from his neck to your head, where he contentedly picks grass from your unruly mess.

“Hey, hey, hey! Leave that alone!” You shout as you smack his wrist from your head. “Let me get cleaned up and get some food, and we’ll talk.” 

You allow his arm to drape across your shoulders as he escorts you towards Bertolt. You give into temptation and give a final glance in the direction of Annie.

* * *

####  Winter 846 - Trost

As the start of training draws near, you see less and less of Annie. Reiner and Bertolt join you and filled the vacancy. Reiner helps you build up endurance, especially so you wouldn’t be flattened by some logs on your back. Bertolt jogs alongside you, though you are certain he could easily finish before you.

Every once in a while, you engage them in a playful spar, but it isn’t the same.

It shook you how her absence affected you. You had stopped sleeping as soundly, and, though you couldn’t see it, your eyes had lost some of their luster.

❦

One particularly frozen morning, you can’t find the boys anywhere. This doesn’t bother you at all, and the snow means that you won’t be expected to work. Resigning yourself to training alone, you start at the woods inside Wall Rose. 

The snow is thankfully compacted, but the crisp air burns your lungs. You want this to be over as quickly as possible, regretting the decision to leave your cot, but you steel yourself against the cold and continue at your steady pace.

At least like this, your mind is focused with a singular goal: forward. Keep moving forward. Don’t stop. Stopping means death. Keep. Going.

Your mind doesn’t wander to consider why your best friend had suddenly left you. It doesn’t consider the emotions that you were probably projecting into her eyes that morning. It doesn’t pause to consider the urge that had nearly overcome you. It doesn't consider the sharp pain her absence caused.

Keep going.

One, two. One, two. One, two.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Ex—

“Well lookie here, men,” an eerie voice catches your attention to your right. It isn't exactly near you, probably ten meters away, but it is close enough.

Push, push, push.

Adrenaline suddenly coursing through your system. Fear threatens to choke your breaths.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale. 

“Looks like we’re in for a chase,” another voice snickers, this time closer and on your left.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

Faster. _Faster._

“She’ll do nicely, don’t you think? Such nice stamina.”

A scream begins its ascent through your body as you note at least six men in pursuit. Two closing in, almost ahead of you. Another two on your left, one on your right. One behind.

_**FUCK.** _

Time seemed to still as you consider your options. 

You could stop and try evading the one in the back, assuming they’ll be delayed in processing your movement. Or the one on your right. He was small enough that you could try tackling him to the ground, using your momentum to propel yourself back up and away. The best chances of success, but it would put them between you and the city. Not exactly where you would want to head. You doubt you’d be able to take them all on. They’d at least be smart enough to overwhelm you, and you hadn’t tried practicing with more than one partner at a time.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck!_

**FIGHT. **

Your heart almost stills at the word. It isn’t yours. It isn’t your voice. It was…

Annie’s?

“FIGHT, GODDAMMIT!”

Your head whips in the direction of the new voice, a blur of motion incoming on the left.

You stop moving forward and drift towards the voice, causing a chorus of grunts and frustrations around you. 

The blonde and grey figure slid her body directly in the path of one of the pursuers, causing him to collide with the ground. She easily rocks her body forward and launches herself at the second man that stands between you two. 

At this point, the other men had slowed and changed their stances to face the two of you. 

The first man to have spoken sports a wicked grin before whistling and signaling to his men.

“The both of them will be even better!”

For some fucking reason, you can’t process her presence. Your hesitance allows for one of the motherfuckers to grab you from behind, wrapping his arms around your torso and clamping your arms to your side. He attempts to lift you from the ground, and the whimper escaped you before you knew it was coming.

Annie’s eyes flash to your face, the murderous intent clear. They flicker to the other men now surrounding the two of you, before returning to your gaze. She takes her stance and gives you a slight nod.

It lights a fire in you, and suddenly something snaps.

You drag your head forward, and with as much force as possible, you slam it back into the face behind you. You ignore the throbbing pain and instead focus on the sound of a dull break and warm moisture coating your hair. The grip around you loosens and you prepare your legs for the landing. 

Once your feet reconnect with the ground, you raise your elbow and thrust it back into what should be his throat. It makes contact and you feel him crumple behind you. The strangled noises that bubble from him indicate your hit broke his trachea. 

_Good_.

Annie has already dispatched three of the men stupid enough to try attacking her, excluding the first still laying in the snow. 

You circle to the remaining man and assume her signature pose. Arms front, guarding your face, ready to extend. Legs bent, ready to move. 

His confidence has clearly evaporated, leaving a desperate bandit in front of you. His clothes are dark and unassuming. They hang from his body as though he had lost weight. His hair is unwashed and frames his haggard face. His eyes sunken, dark grey, defiant, aggressive. He swings.

❦

Annie grabs your hand with unassuming strength and pulls you into a sprint back to Trost. Your heart the only thing you can hear, loud and insistent. Your chest tightens with exhaustion, but you know you had to keep going.

Inhale. Exhale.

Forward.

Inhale. Exhale. 

Push.

Inhale. Exhale.

_Annie_

She doesn’t let you stop until you had enter city boundaries again. Pulling you down an alley, she roughly pushes you against the grimy wall of one of the buildings.

You crumple with exhaustion, collapsing into the cold. Your legs shake and your lungs aren’t working like they should.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” she quietly scolds.


	3. Annie Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _if i am honest_  
>  _i like being alone_  
>  _because it_  
>  _allows me to hide_  
>  _from the insecurity_  
>  _i felt around_  
>  _others._  
>  _solitude was_  
>  _an easily obtained_  
>  _paradise._  
> 
> 
> Christopher Poindexter 

* * *

####  Autumn 846 - Annie

She wakes alone, away from those shitheads. Away from _you._

She had left after that autumn morning, cursing herself for having befriended you at all. She came here on a mission. 

> Infiltrate the Walls.  
>  Find the Coordinate.  
>  Wipe out the Devils.  
>  Go home.

What the fuck had happened?

The three had already determined the current king to be false, with a puppet government. A hidden true lineage that had the Coordinate. Emphasis on _had_. The family they had started observing consisted of only one unremarkable man. Rich. Entitled. Completely unremarkable.

They had agreed to join the military to infiltrate the interior. Their training as Warriors would easily place them in the top ten. 

Reiner had pissed her off at the suggestion they needed to befriend the locals. Bertolt, quiet as usual, didn’t offer any other insight. 

_“I’ll talk to people in training. I don’t want to be here longer than necessary.”_

She didn’t want to feel for these people. The fear evident in their entire society disgruntled her for reasons she didn’t want to admit.

Enter you.

**Fucking _you._**

You wormed your way into her heart, despite her reluctance. Despite her walls. Despite thinking of you as a Devil.

Fuck. 

You weren’t a Devil, even if she did mental gymnastics—and trust, she did them. You were…

What were you?

Why did you make her feel this way?

You had this natural calmness about you. You just… fuck.

You just accepted her for all her faults. Those you knew about, anyway.

It didn’t put you off that she hardly spoke, and when she did it was terse. 

Being around you just soothed parts of her she didn’t even know existed and eased the jagged and broken parts that she refused to acknowledge.

When you hugged her that night? It felt like _home_. Not like back in Liberio. But like what home _should_ feel like. 

You two fell asleep tangled in each other’s limbs. 

She wasn’t a Warrior. She wasn’t a refugee. She wasn’t anything more than the person by your side. And the moment she heard your uneasy whimpers, she was your protector. 

Or she liked to fashion herself so. 

She shook you gently, hoping she could easily wake you. Nothing. Your face twisted with fear. 

_Come on. Wake up. Please._

Nothing. Another shake. Again.

You startled awake, wide eyes full of so many emotions. Fuck, how she could just drown in them.

Fear. Hopelessness. Focus. Appreciation. 

She watched as they morphed into something softer, more endearing. Briefly aware of your hand raising towards her. 

Her head snapped towards an unwelcome presence in the direction of the buildings.

Dammit, Reiner. 

Just as well. It’s a mistake to get close. It’s a mistake to let you see. The pain will be overwhelming ~~if~~ _when_ she has to betray you. It will crush her.

Leave. 

NOW.

* * *

####  Winter 846 - Trost

Two months. Two months since she interacted with you. She’s watched from a distance. She’s seen you train with Reiner and Bertolt. They probably told you they’ve joined the corps, too. Probably made it seem that you inspired them.

Pathetic.

Yet, here she was, watching with thinly veiled jealousy. 

She sniffed her nose and rammed her hands into her jacket pockets.

❦

The next morning, she rudely awoke to Reiner forcefully dragging her out of bed. Opening her eyes, she was greeted by the two men. 

Assholes.

“What do you want?” her words sliced through the air.

“You need to go back to her. What are you doing?!” Reiner urged.

“The fuck do you mean, ‘what are you doing?’ I’m doing what I’ve always done: looking out for me. And why the fuck does it mean so much to you two anyway?” She pulled her leg away from his grasp and glared down the bulky blonde. 

“She misses you. She tries to be here with us, but it’s obvious,” Bertolt’s calm voice always managed to still her in a way that was really starting to piss her off.

She raised an eyebrow in response. 

A sharp exhale left Reiner and he looked away before sitting on the floor. Bertolt opted to lean against the wall near the door.

“Listen. We’ve been doing more research—”

“Hah. That’s rich, considering you spend all your time with _her_.”

Reiner assessed the woman in front of him, like he was seeing her for the first time. Her eyes flickered to the brunette and watched as his eyes narrowed.

_Fuck._

The latter spoke when the blonde didn’t. “We have strong evidence that she’s a Verite,” he paused, waiting for a physical reaction when a verbal one wasn’t offered. He wasn’t disappointed. “What’s more, we have reason to believe that there are Ackerman’s within the Walls.”

Her eyes widened and she cursed the two in front of her.

If that’s the case, if you really are a Verite, you’re in more trouble than just the three of them. Would it be more beneficial to kill you? Or take you? And the Ackerman’s. They definitely need to die. They can’t make it back to Marley, nor can they be allowed to live after the attack.

“The best chance we have at keeping her close is you. So get your ass back to her.”

She glared at the blonde, and as she turned her face in an almost child-like defiance, a huff being the only indicator that she heard them.

“Where?”

The two men glanced at each other with a modicum of surprise. “She’s gotta’ve noticed our absence by now, so she’s probably running. Probably just north of Wall Rose.”

❦

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

“A-Annie?” you choked out, scrambling back to your feet and throwing yourself at her.

She threw her hands up in surprise at your sudden embrace. You held her like your life depended on it. Shit. Not too long ago, it had.

The adrenaline now gone from your system, you felt the devastating weight of your fear, your hopelessness. You just crushed her closer and sobbed.

It didn’t even take a minute for her arms to wrap around you. She was glad that no one could see her flush.


	4. The 104th Training Corps Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “STRAIGHTEN THOSE SPINES, PISS-ANTS! THE 104TH CADET CORPS BOOT CAMP STARTS NOW! TRAINING IS GOING TO BE A WHITE-KNUCKLE RIDE THROUGH HELL. IF I’VE DONE MY JOB, YOU’LL BE WAKING UP IN A COLD SWEAT FROM MEMORIES OF THIS PLACE EVERY NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIVES."

* * *

#### Autumn 847 - 104th Training Corps

Months of degradation, non-stop exertion, and minimal sleep hadn’t made you waver once. Most other cadets showed signs of breaking at one point or another at this point, and the fact that you hadn’t royally pissed off the Commandant.

It didn’t help that Commander Pixis would check in on your progress or that you had somehow been incredibly proficient off the bat at ODM gear training. Hand-to-hand training had often resulted in disappointed cadets with growing welts. You took laps without complaint, and even after an afternoon of nonstop running, your only apparent complaint was thirst.

He wanted to break you. Sure, there was the Ackerman brat or the Leonhart girl. Even the Braun kid had held up to scrutiny. But you. It had to be the eyes. Or the set of your jaw. The defiance. The refusal to break. To be molded. He hated it. 

And now that observation reports were coming in, he had a plan to start chipping away at you.

❦

You don’t see it as a surprise when Shadis announces team assignments and you are separated from Annie. You know Shadis has a bone to pick with you, and even if you don’t know why, and you expected retribution. 

It isn’t like you two only interacted with each other—ah, well, she didn’t interact a whole lot outside of you. You get along with most of the other cadets. There were some shits you just can’t stand, like Eren or Daz, but you don’t pick fights unnecessarily. 

Most of the time.

“BOTT, BRAUN, HOOVER, YEAGER, SPRINGER, BRAUS, ACKERMAN, ARLERT, VERTRAUEN, KIRSCHSTEIN, LENZ, AND YMIR!”

It could be worse.

* * *

#### Winter 847

The exhaustion is finally kicking in. Despite your extensive endurance training with Reiner the year prior, you still struggle with keeping pace while carrying that fucking sack of supplies.

Your team finally makes it to the fucking cabin and you can barely feel your feet or your face and the fire hasn’t even been started so despite shelter from the frigid winds, it's still fucking freezing in the fucking cabin. 

Your face warms as you try to find Reiner or Bertolt to help remove your pack, especially since your fingers feel like they are stuck together and ultimately unwilling to bend. You struggle with pulling your gloves off, relenting to warming up your arms and chest until the friction eventually loosens your fingers.

“Need help?” a quiet voice queries behind you. You tilt your head back in an attempt to view the speaker, though you already know.

“Please?” you flash him a hopeful smile or as much of a hopeful smile as your frozen face could.

A small chuckle leaves him as he turns you around to loosen the straps on your waist and shoulders. 

“Thanks, Bertolt,” you mumble while trying to keep yourself as still as possible. The violent shivers that rip through your body prove to counter this, but he is successful nonetheless. Shedding the pack, you finally feel a modicum of relief. 

You continue rubbing your arms as you take in the small cabin. On either side of the fireplace are doors, presumably for the sleeping quarters. The adjacent wall holds a single door, which is currently ajar. The tiles on the floors and walls reveal a single bathroom (great). A thick wall breaks up the room, and on the other side is the kitchen. Nothing special, but it is larger than you expected. Against the large windows is the standard mess hall table and benches. 

You shift your attention to the center of the room, where the bulk of your group is stannding. 

“Aren’t you guys hungry? Let’s just get started on food,” Sasha complains, a large frown on her face. 

“Do we have anything that isn’t frozen?” you pipe up. “Has anyone checked the cupboards?” 

Your guys’ concerns are ignored in favor of watching Eren and Jean go at it. Again. For the nth time that day.

Rolling your eyes, you step past everyone and go into the bathroom. As you suspect, there are only three toilet stalls and a single set of communal showers. A row of sinks line the wall behind the door. Testing the water of the sinks, you are delighted to find the hot water worked wonderfully.

“Hey, how are we going to divide bathroom time?” you shout a little louder. Only Mikasa and Connie bother to look your way. Curiosity brings them inside, and while Mikasa offers no comment, Connie smacks his forehead. 

“AH MAN! You mean we have to share the showers?!” 

Before you can ask why he was so upset, Reiner starts laughing. You turn around to see the guys—excluding Jean and Eren—expressing varying degrees of humor. 

You open your mouth to ask them, and close it as you considered why he would be upset and all else would find this funny. Raising your hands in defeat, you sigh. “Ah, fuck. I don’t even want to know. I just want to ask that you all be respectful of the fact we have to share this space. And that we shower first.”

“I can get behind that,” Ymir states. 

“But-but what about the food?!” Sasha squeals, becoming increasingly distressed by her hunger.

“Hey, now. What makes _you_ think that you deserve the showers first?!” Jean rounds on you. “We’re just as cold and dirty as you!”

Before you can respond, Bertolt yanks your gloves off and pulls your hands in front of Jean’s face. “Because her fingers are blue. Her face is still red from the frost outside. Just let them warm up!” 

Everyone stills at this, unused to Bertolt’s apparent outburst. His hands still grip your wrists, and you can’t help but stare up at his face, defiance clear in his brow. Realizing everyone is still staring at him, his face flushes. His eyes return to yours and you feel your face warm before he drops your arms.

“It’s decided, then. Well, ladies! Let’s get in there before Bertolt hides her away for some quality time,” Ymir smirks. 

Heat floods your cheeks, and you're quite certain that it's the same for Bertolt, so you excuse yourself to the bathroom without going back for your clothes or towel.

“YMIR!!!” squeaks Christa, followed by a soft thud. 

“What? I only said what everyone was thinking!”

You knew you should go back out there and grab your supplies, but you couldn’t, for the life of you, pick yourself up from the corner you were hiding in.

Why are you hiding?! Why did that elicit such a reaction out of you? He was just looking out for you. He’d have done the same for anyone else there, right? Except… The more you thought on it, the more you realized that Armin was looking just as cold as you, face just as red with frost as yours. Agh! Maybe it was just that he was more familiar with you? Sure, you two had spent more time together than with the other cadets, Reiner excluded, but—

NO. No. You aren’t worrying about this. You take a deep breath in before throwing your head back, forgetting there is a hard bathroom wall behind you.

“Ack! Fuck,” you mutter, rubbing the back of your head. You hear quiet footsteps enter the bathroom, and look around the corner to the sight of Christa, in all her glory. 

The kind girl is gracious enough to bring you the supplies you left. “H-hi! Are you okay? I noticed that you forgot to grab your things, so I thought I would bring them to you.”

“Thank you, Christa. I can see why Ymir can’t get enough of you,” you stand and quickly envelop her in a hug.

“E-eh?” she pushes away, cheeks pink. 

You mentally curse yourself. “I… I just did what she did, didn’t I?” You exhale from your nose before bringing her back into the hug. “I just mean that you’re so overwhelmingly kind and caring. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who is just this… good.”

You release her and start pulling off your layers. She shifts to keep you in sight before turning away to copy you.

“I’m sorry if I haven’t been all that welcoming to you, Christa,” you start, turning around to turn on the shower. “I mean, I’ve been kind, but I’ve never really bothered to get to know you. I want to change that,” you sigh, the hot water reminding you of bits of your body you long assumed to have died from hypothermia. 

You hear another shower turn on and soft pads enter the stream. 

“I-I think I’d like that. I didn’t think you really noticed me, to be honest. You’re so good at everything, it’s kind of intimidating.”

You jolt, “I’m not good at everything, but I had been preparing for this for a while before training started.” 

A short pause while you lather your hair. “Do you mind if I ask why? I mean—only if you’re okay with that.”

“It’s okay. I guess… I think I just have something to prove to myself. And I want to make my dad proud. He, uh, he graduated top of his class, apparently.”

“Oh. I’m sure he’ll be proud no matter what! But that makes sense. You had insider information about this whole thing,” she teases.

Instantly regretting it, you turn off the water and make for your towel. As you start dressing yourself in nightwear, you hear her shower stop. 

“I could train you if you want. You don’t have to, and honestly you’re not doing bad yourself,” you mumble, kicking yourself for insulting her.

“You would?! Wait, why?”

Finished dressing, you turn to face her.

“I just… I recognize when someone has something to prove to themselves. I want to help you do it.”

Nearing the entrance to the bathroom, you pause to let Ymir and Mikasa in. 

“Think about it. It’s okay if you say no, Christa,” you smile before leaving. 

❦

_ Scouts, you were sure of it. The wings of freedom coated each of their cloaks as their horses carried them from the safety of the wall. Spreading out, they split into smaller groups, covering a great expanse of land. _

_It was freeing, the wind in your hair, the steady beat of the horse beneath you. You truly didn’t care that red flares shot up ahead of you. You looked to your comrade on your right, a silent question posed._

_A shake of the head, the firing of another red flare._

_Looking left, you see a series of green flares, and adjust accordingly._

_Just as you’re passing the remnants of a small village, you see them. Twenty or so of them. Running, crawling, flailing._

_Black smoke._

_And then there’s **her**. Fifteen meters, exposed muscle and sinew. Clear eyes. Familiar… eyes… Not lifeless like the others, but intentional. _

_Fuck._

You jolt up from your cot, sweat causing your hair to stick to your skin. You survey the room, remembering that you’re in the cabin. You’re safe, you think. 

The girls got lucky. Where there are seven guys who have to share one room, you five have more space. Not that you’d guess by looking at the sandwich that was Ymir, Christa, and Sasha. Mikasa is sleeping in the cot nearest the door. Even with all the space, you feel claustrophobic. 

Gathering your blanket, you discreetly climb over the mess of limbs to get to the door. Mikasa raises her head at your movement and you raise your hand in acknowledgment. A grunt and her head is already reconnected with the pillow.

Fortunate for you, the fireplace is still going. You shuffle the wood with the poker and add another log. Settling in front of it, you watch as the fire devours the wood. 

What were these? They were increasing in frequency. Becoming more vivid. Worse than nightmares, only in that they feel _real_. Several times before, you’d wake up with a new bruise in the exact spot of an injury in these… dreams. The fear you felt in each was real. Horrifying. Putrid. The kind of fear that hollows out your bones and nests inside. 

And then the memories. Your father’s? The last two… You already confirmed them to be his. But why did you view them like you were watching from behind? What did the first couple mean? You figured the one with two boys and the strange man was your dad, Aurille, the shit, and your grandfather. Pixis told you he graduated top of his class, so the graduation one makes sense. So who was the blonde man? Who were the other Military Police? Why was your dad there at all, if you’re right and they were all his?

Who was the man you called father?

A call of your name and a gentle touch on your shoulder gives you a start.

“Ah?!” Your wide eyes find his green ones, Bertolt’s face full of concern. Once your heart settles in your chest, you greet him with a warm and wide smile. “Bertolt, why are you here? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I thought I heard something, and so I came out here to check. Nightmare?”

“Something like that. I, uh. Nevermind. You can go back to sleep now, you don’t have to check on me.”

He pauses, chewing the inside of his cheek as though he wants to speak up. He shakes his head before speaking, “Nah. Even in their sleep, Jean and Eren have to compete.” At your quirked brow, he elaborates. “They’re snoring so loud I’m surprised any of us are sleeping.”

You let out a breathy chuckle. “Do you want to stay here with me?”

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

* * *

#### Spring 848

The late spring sun hung high in the sky, bearing witness to the mix of bullshitting and flailing during the supposed hand-to-hand combat training you all are to be receiving. Even with all the cadets of the Southern branch are present, Shadis makes certain to keep you from Annie.

The first day you returned to hand-to-hand, you and Annie partnered up. It ended two hours later, no end in sight, and most of the field watching instead of training. Enjoyable as it was, you couldn’t necessarily fault the man for demanding you two refrain from engaging in combat from then on.

Instead, he begrudgingly okays your training of other cadets, such as Christa or Armin. This, of course, results in being on Ymir’s shit list, but you can’t care less. Between the two of you, you are confident in your ability to take her out. 

“Keep your arms up, Christa. I know it’s exhausting, but stamina is crucial here,” you comment, adjusting her footing and fists. 

“I—I don’t know. I don’t think I’m cut out for this.” 

“No, I believe you’re completely cut out for this. These techniques I’m trying to show you are largely for people who are smaller than their aggressor, but anyone can use them. It’s not about strength, but momentum.”

Getting into an offensive position opposite her, you signal the start. Going back and forth with basic movements, making sure her posture is straight and her fists are up, you can see the fatigue weighing on her. You hold up your index finger to signal but one more exercise.

She nods, grim determination coating her features. 

Hands back up.

You throw a single overhead punch lacking weight behind it.

Proficient dodge and a quick jab to the solar plexus.

Your body seizes as all the air leaves your lungs. Spasms shake your chest as your body instinctively grabs for oxygen. You drop to your knee, trying to regain conscious control of your systems.

Christa’s eyes bug as you fall, and she frantically searches for someone who can help. 

You try to wave her away, to express that you are fine—better, in fact; you are damn proud of that maneuver! But nothing but wheezing is heard from you. You are vaguely aware of arms grabbing at you, of a stern voice shouting for cadets, possibly hurling insults. You give in after failing to stand up on your own. You feel someone lift you up and carry you against their chest.

❦

“Reiner, you didn’t have to do that,” you frown.

“You dropped! How else was I supposed to react?”

“I don’t know, you could have let me regain my composure instead of rushing in to rescue me?” You aren’t mad at him. He tried to help. But you are mad that you are benched for the remainder of the day. 

“You didn’t hear Shadis,” he puts his head in his hands, elbows resting atop his knees. 

“My, my. The big ol’ Mr. Braun afraid of the Commandant?” you jest.

“You didn’t talk to Jean after that headbutt.”

“Uh-huh. I heard that it was an initiation ritual for the old man. I also heard that he doesn’t do it if you prove that you don’t need it.”

“Yeah? Where’d you hear that?” he challenges.

“A story Commander Pixis told me once. Apparently from Shadis’ days as the Commander of the Scouts.”

“Hmm,” Reiner chuckles in an exhale. “Y’know, there’s something I gotta talk to you about.”

The shift in his tone immediately puts you on edge. Silly as it is, it sounds almost like he is trying to end your friendship.

“It’s about Bertolt,” he pauses, watching as you stiffen. “Listen. He’s not gonna say it—”

“No,” you firmly cut him off. “If he’s not going to say it, then don’t say it for him. Don’t steal his voice, or his opportunity. I may be more open about how I feel than most of you, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else works the same as I do.” 

“But—”

“No, Reiner,” you say more forcefully. “Don’t betray his trust.”

❦

Despite the fact that you are fine, the medic insists on an overnight stay. He promises that he will be by before first light, and if you checked out, he’d release you. A bunch of bullshit, but whatever.

It has to be close to midnight, and sleep was nowhere near finding you. Probably lost somewhere over the walls. Heh.

You toss to your side as you contemplate Reiner’s words this afternoon. You are frustrated, but it's more than just him speaking for someone else. Why? Why did it bother you so much? Was it that despite your talk, you _hadn’t_ actually been honest with them?

Ugh. The whole thing's giving you a headache. You switch to laying on your back, staring at the ceiling. 

❦

_You were twelve again, walking with your dad as he returned home from work. It was obvious something was bothering you, your usual chatter cut to a petulant silence._

_“Bug, did something happen today?”_

_“Yes. No. I don’t know,” you paused. “No.”_

_His laugh jerked you from your thoughts and you looked up at him. “Is that your final answer?”_

_Your pout told him everything he needed to know and he laughed again. He tapped your shoulder and gestured in the direction of the river. You followed in silence, knowing the way by heart._

_He watched as you slipped off your boots and swung your legs over the edge. You both enjoyed the conversational silence as the trickle of the river lulled you into a peace._

_“What was it?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“What was it that bothered you so much?”_

_“That shit Hugh—”_

_“LANGUAGE.”_

_“Sorry, dad. He was making fun of me because he said all kids hate their parents and I told him that I love my parents.”_

_“Is that all?” he asked, mirth evident in his voice._

_“No. I kicked him.”_

_He immediately chastises you. "When we are done we are marching to the Hansen’s and you will apologize."_

_“Yes sir. Sorry sir.”_

_“Why did this bother you?”_

_“I don’t know! Am I wrong?”_

_Your father just hummed as he sat down next to you, swinging his legs over the river to mirror you._

_“Let me tell you why I remind you that I love you every day. I don’t tell you because I want to hear it back. It’s nice, but it’s not for me. It’s for you,” he smirked at your confused face. “You can’t control how other people feel. You can’t control how they react. They are their own person.”_

_“Yeah, but you’re making me go apologize to Hugo after this. You’re controlling me into doing that.”_

_“Think about it. When we go to apologize, will you mean it?” You shook your head, encouraging him to continue. “The most we can do is take responsibility for how we ourselves feel. We are going over to apologize because we have to take responsibility for our own actions. Does that make sense?”_

_“Yeah,” you huffed, reluctance clear in your tone. “But that doesn’t explain why you tell me that you love me.”_

_“You’re right. I don’t expect that you love me. But I am taking responsibility for how I feel, and sharing that with you. Everyone deserves to hear when they are loved. Some people can’t say it, and that’s okay. Some people can’t return that feeling, and that’s okay, too. I’m not going to lie, that hurts sometimes. But we can die any day. You work with your mother. You know that. It’s better for them to know that you love them before it’s too late.”_

_His arm draped over your shoulders, dwarfing your small figure. You digested what he had to say, and you hated that it made sense. You kicked your leg sideways so it bumped his. He looked down at you as you mumbled a small, “Love you, dad.”_

_“I love you, too, bug.”_

❦

You wake to something shaking your shoulder. It is still dark, but your consciousness fights against the sleep that had finally taken hold of your mind. 

“Hnng?”

You try just keeping one eye open. Maybe that will make it clearer.

“Hey. I heard you got hit pretty good earlier.” It's a soft sigh, a caress meant only for you.

“Oh, it’s you,” you mumble, closing your eyes again.

A gentle hand grips your own. It starts rubbing small circles on the back of your hand, and you provide a happy hum in response. She doesn’t respond, and that is okay. You two share the space with a comfortable silence, no words needed to bond.

Her mind starts to become muddled with anxieties, frustrations. Sensing this, you tighten your grip on her hand. 

“Nnie?”

“Yes?”

“I love you,” you breathe.

She immediately stiffens, each cell electrified. Her throat suddenly feels tight, not that she was breathing even if it didn’t.

“Nnn. Nnie. It’s okay. You don’t have to feel the same. But you deserve to know that I do. Everyone deserves to hear that truth.”

Your grip loosens and she watches in stunned silence as you return to a peaceful slumber.

* * *

#### Summer 848

The following morning you wake up alone. You didn’t expect otherwise. You mean what you had said. If she needed space, you didn’t mind giving it to her.

You throw yourself into the work, pushing to be better, better, best. You and Mikasa develop a begrudging respect for one another as competent competition when it comes to ODM gear. You relish in the weightlessness that comes with gliding through the trees. Switching directions without much thought. It's all become second nature. It is as close to freedom as you could get until graduation. 

Your dreams, or whatever, haunt your nights, robbing you of sleep. They still pose more questions than you believe them to be worth, but you accept that if help was only to be found by Aurille, you’d sooner let yourself be devoured by a titan. The truth of that sentiment frightens you, but that feeling, that foreboding only intensifies the more you consider him. When you don’t have those _dreams_ , you have dreams of Aurille and Sannes, the latter slicing you open while the former demanded the truth. 

In response, you push yourself harder. If you woke before the mess hall opened, you ran laps until it did. That became your routine.

> Two, maybe three hours of sleep.  
>  Run laps.  
>  Shower.  
>  Eat.  
>  Train.  
>  Eat.  
>  Laps.  
>  Shower.  
>  Toss and turn until your eyelids grow heavy.
> 
> Rinse & repeat.

The days bleed together until autumn arrives again.

* * *

#### Autumn 848

“CADET VERTRAUEN!”

You slow in your run as you approach the Commandant, offering a tired salute. He dismisses you with a grimace. He turns abruptly and gestures for you to follow.

“Sir?”

“Your presence has been requested.”

No better illuminated, you shake your head and keep in step with the Commandant. At this point, you know better than to push it. At this point, you are too tired to care. He leads you to the officer’s quarters, opening the door to an office and gesturing for you to enter.

As soon as you enter, your heart stops. 

“C-Commander Pixis! Commander Dok, Commander Smith!” You salute, furiously trying to figure out why these men would request your presence.

Pixis lazily waves your salute away. Commander Dok shifts his eyes in distaste at the former’s informality.

“Sir!” 

“Please, have a seat,” the blonde commander suggests, though the order is clear in his tone.

You nod as you sit in the chair in front of them.

“Do you know why we have called you here, cadet?” he interrogates. 

“No, sir, I do not.” 

“It has come to our attention that your father was not who he said he was,” Commander Dok asserts, eyes narrowed in suspicion. Your own flit to Pixis, disdain clear on the older man’s features.

“I-I’m not quite sure I understand, Commander.”

“What Commander Dok is trying to say is that we have found the remains of your father,” Pixis states before the dark-haired man can continue. “On his remains was a letter, suggesting that he was actually Ansem Verite, the captain of the First Interior Squad before Djel Sannes. He was reported missing—”

“Sannes is not a captain, and I would appreciate it if you left this investigation to the Military Police, _sir_ ,” Dok replies coolly. 

“I—uh, sorry, but you found him?” you utter, head down to hide the tears threatening to spill over.

“In a recent expedition to solve the problem of Wall Maria, we identified what appeared to be a mutiny. The Survey Corps brought back as many of these men as possible, one of whom appears to be Captain Ansem,” Commander Smith studies you before continuing. “Commander Pixis has stated that he retains some of the men belonging to your father’s squad, all of whom identified you as his daughter. Additionally, they said that the morning the wall fell, your father gave you his military jacket. Is this correct?”

You swallow harshly, refusing to lose it in front of these men. You become acutely aware of all of their eyes on you. Pixis is calm and collected, though the sorrow is evident as he observes you. Commander Smith watches with an odd interest, a peculiar mix between intrigue and compassion. Commander Dok exudes impatience, visible in the way he taps his finger against his knee.

“Yes, sir, that is correct.”

“Am I to understand you have this article here in your bunk?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Would you mind if I accompany you to fetch it?”

This question catches you off guard, uncertainty flooding through you. Given the line of questioning, you understand that these men wish to take the last piece you had of your dad. But you need answers, too. Maybe… maybe these men could help.

"No, sir, I don't mind,” you nod, pushing yourself from your seat as Commander Smith does the same.

Once out of earshot of Shadis, Commander Smith grabs the elbow of your jacket and slows you both to a leisurely pace. 

“Surely you would like to enjoy this walk to the barracks on this pleasant day?” he poses this as a question, but his tone suggests something else. 

“Absolutely, sir. It would be silly of me not to enjoy such esteemed company.”

He hums, eyes set on your guys’ destination. “Something tells me that all this comes as a shock.”

“Indeed. My father never spoke of his past or his family outside of me and my mother.”

“And I take it that you were unaware of your father’s passing?”

Your breath hitches and you swallow the unwelcome emotion before responding. “I had my suspicions that he died, but I am surprised to hear that it was not a titan.”

“I see.” 

His presence is inexplicably soothing. Something within you urges you to trust him, to tell him. 

“Ah,” you breathe before thinking of what you want to say. He glances your way, waiting for you to speak. “I’m sorry sir. I was just wondering if you could tell me what it’s like.” 

He pauses and considers you for the first time.

“Freedom, I mean.”

A gentle smile appears on his face, his sudden beauty striking you like sunshine on a cold day. That voice reappears.

_Trust him. Tell him._

“Beyond the walls, you mean?” Following your nod, he continues his steady pace. “It brings more questions than answers, so far. As soon as we find a solution to Wall Maria, I would like to resume our expeditions onward. Is that something you would be interested in?”

“Ahah, it is something I am considering again, yes.”

“Again? Could you elaborate for me?”

A small smile graces your features at the memory. “I decided I wanted to be a scout when I was ten? And I begged my father every day to teach me how to be a soldier. He was afraid for me, though. We were there, for Commandant Shadis’ last expedition beyond the walls?” At this, the Commander’s eyebrows shoot up and he offers another look your way. “The months before the Walls fell, he convinced Commander Pixis to approve my going atop the wall. In exchange, I would join the Garrison instead of the Survey Corps. But now…” 

The two of you approach the building, and you turn to him before reaching for the door.

_Trust him. Tell him._

You shake it off and enter. Finding your bunk, you grab the chest that held what little you owned. Grabbing the jacket, you hold it to your chest and release a silent sob. Locking the chest again, you stand and turn to the Commander.

You present it to his waiting hands. He gently pulls it open, briefly searching the pockets and lapel. At the pin, he quirks an eyebrow in silent question.

“He never told me, sir. I—shit—I didn’t know until I asked Commander Pixis.”

_T e l l h i m ._

“Cadet?”

“Sir. I…”

Seeing your increasing distress, he ushers you back outside. Finding a space devoid of exhausted cadets or tired officers, he waits. 

“If there is something you’d like to tell me, I’d be honored.”

“Ahhh,” (deep breath) “Okay. I don’t know what it is, but something tells me that I can trust you.”

❦

You had been talking for the better part of twenty minutes, with Commander Smith offering no feedback beyond attentive eyes. Upon finishing, you swear your heart was in your throat. Nervous energy bleeds from you as he considers your confession.

After a thoughtful minute that stretches on for what seems to be a lifetime, he nods, the ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. His eyes are alight with a new energy.

“Okay.”

“O-Okay?! OKAY? That’s all you have to say?”

He chuckles at your exasperated outburst. “You’re like me.”

“Like… Like you, sir?”

He leans in, excitement on his breath. “You seek the truth.”

❦

The three Commanders convene behind the closed doors of the office, Dok at least pacified by the fact that your location would be accounted for should he have any further questions. Smith pulls you aside before he leaves, promising to keep an eye out on your progress. Pixis lingers to offer condolences. You are dismissed in time for dinner. Shadis’ beady eyes stay on you as you gather your food and sit at a nearly empty table.

You just want to digest both the food and events of the day, a session of quiet contemplation sorely needed. 

You knew your father’s name. _Verite_. Why was that so familiar? It tugged on the recesses of your mind, harking back to days forgotten in Shiganshina. Where—

A loud crash interrupts your train of thought. Your once empty table now full—Connie, Jean, Eren, Armin, Mikasa (reluctantly), and Marco. Connie slams his tray down so hard that the contents of his bowl are now splashed on the table and bench, much to Sasha’s chagrin. Apparently, some loudmouth (ahem. Connie) had seen you speaking with Commander Erwin Smith. 

“What was he like?!” Eren exclaims before anyone else had the chance to say anything.

“I, uh—”

“Did he tell you what they’re doing now?”

“Is he looking to take you before you graduate?!”

“Do you know him?! According to Connie, you two were pretty cosy.”

“Whaaat?! So do you?!”

“Ehh,” you are positively overwhelmed by the influx of queries. They keep trying to pull your attention every which way until you let out a whimper of discomfort.

“HEY. Why don’t you guys give her some space?” 

You look to the blonde standing at the end of the table. Thankfully, Reiner’s glare and crossed arms shut them up. He meets your gaze and nods in response to your silent thank you. 

“I promise, I’ll tell you all about it after I’ve had a chance to process it. Just—give me tonight. Okay?”

Armin finally notices your melancholic expression, your pleading eyes. 

“Y-Yeah, that sounds good, ” he says, watching as you suddenly stand up and gave Sasha the rest of your soup and half of your bread. 

On your way out, you miss Reiner’s hard gaze, the silent conversation that takes place between Bertolt and Reiner, and the way Annie watches you from the corner of her eye. 

The crisp autumn air offers relief in quieting the chaos of the cadets. You think nothing of it when the door quietly closes behind you, signifying someone else’s exit.

“Hey, are you okay?” 

You turn and met the deep blue eyes of Armin.

“Aren’t you hungry, Armin?”

“Eh, I’ll be fine with this,” he pulls a piece of bread from his pocket.

Something snapped just then, maybe it's the absurdity of the moment, you can’t quite tell. It starts as a giggle, one that just won’t go away. It morphs into a steady chuckle, then you are laughing till your gut's splitting in pain. Tears fall in your fit of hysteria, and before you know it, your laughter turns into sobs. 

Armin opens his arms and gladly accepts you once you lean into him. Your arms wrap around him as you weep.

He stays with you, without complaint, until you are able to calm yourself down. You notice his now soaked shoulder and laugh. Grabbing his hand, you direct the two of you towards the barracks. 

❦

Sitting on the steps outside of the building, you pat his shoulder dry with your towel.

“I’m sorry, Armin. I didn’t mean to drown you.”

“Don’t worry about it. You looked like you needed a shoulder,” he offers with a smile.

“Yeah, ah. Today was something else.”

“Do you want to talk about it? I don’t mean about Commander Smith, but about what… uh, —”

“What made me sob like a baby?” You laugh while he mumbles something about not quite meaning it that way. “Apparently the Scouts recovered my dad’s body. Pixis was there to confirm it.” 

“Wait, they recovered it? They went back?!” 

It was easy for you to forget that your dad and the Arlert family actually knew each other pretty well. 

“Apparently. Anyway, they said it looked like he wasn’t killed by titans, but by his own men.” Your body shudders as you fight off another wave of tears. “I, uh, I mean. It’s good to have closure, I guess?”

“Yeah,” he ponders, not quite convinced that your father’s death was better than the one you had imagined for him. “Wait. They wouldn’t have come to you if it wasn’t big. They don’t have time to notify next of kin anymore. What—”

The hairs on the back of your neck stand up in warning, your body sensing danger. You clamp your hand over his mouth and motion for him to be quiet. The fear in your eyes evident as you lean in, making it look like you were in a passionate embrace.

“Don’t, Armin. Please. I have the same questions, but we’re in danger. I don’t—fuck, I don’t know what it is, but I promise you I’ll tell you when I know. Just please keep putting together the puzzle,” you whisper in hurried breaths. You gasp when you realize that you aren’t even sure what made you say all that. “I’m so sorry! I don’t know what’s happening to me.” 

He doesn’t relent in his grip, afraid for you.

❦

What you two didn’t know was that there was a soldier of the Military Police standing atop the plateau overlooking the training grounds. The quiet metal announced the presence of the secondary soldier.

“Anything?”

“No, it looks like Erwin only told her about the recovery of his body. She doesn’t know anything else. At least, nothing that we’ll find out from simple observation.”

“Good. Make sure to update Rod first, Aurille second. I’ll continue keeping an eye on her here.”

❦

You release Armin just before the mess hall starts to empty. A silent promise passes between you, and his eyes gleam in the night. It reminds you of that smile from earlier… The giddiness, the excitement. You clasp his hand and bring it towards your heart.

_“You seek the truth.”_

And like a flash, you see it. It is different this time, but burns just the same.

_It was Trost, this you were certain. An old man with a floppy hat took it off and gifted it to the child before him. He ruffled his hair before leaving. The wave of sorrow and loss was overwhelming._

_It was expansive grasslands, punctuated by sparse vegetation. Familiar. Really familiar. He was riding a horse, with the wings of freedom on his back. To the right, a series of red flares. He fired a red warning shot. To the left, a green flare. A glance back to the right had a black flare. Panic._

“Wha—”

“Armin? Did you—did you see that, too?” He nods, eyes wide. “That… That man was your grandfather, wasn’t it?”

“Before the mission to retake Wall Maria. But, what was the second one? On horseback?! And black smoke—?”

“Black smoke… To the scouts, that means an abnormal, right? But I know that place. I’ve… I’ve seen that before, but I can’t put my finger on where I recognize it.”

His brow furrows as he considers the influx of information, what he knew, what you knew, the hushed words pressed against his ears, and the feeling of eyes on him. 

You separate from him completely, opening the door to the barracks. You glance over your shoulder and watch as his eyes move as though reading a book.


	5. Annie Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I think after_   
>  _all this time_   
>  _I may be in love._
> 
> _stranger things_  
>  _have happened._
> 
> Marisa Crane

* * *

#### Autumn 848 - Annie

She was running laps, at a point opposite the field from you, when she noticed Shadis call you over. Her eyes followed as you made your way to the officer’s barracks.

Odd. 

But not her concern.

Maybe it should be?

Fuck.

Truth be told, she was relieved when Shadis separated you two. 

~~You’re becoming a distraction.~~ You _are_ a distraction.

What the hell was that?  
That stupid little thing you said? 

She thought it humorous that Christa managed to hit you just so, and clever that Reiner put you away with the medic so the three could meet without your keen eyes.

Then they didn’t release you. Could there be something wrong?

Fucking forbid she ask Reiner, that cocky bastard.  
Pissing her off to prove a point to that little shit. What’s his name? Armin’s friend? Whatever.

She’d just have to check in on you at night.

❦

She snuck out of bed without anyone noticing. Of course no one noticed. She’d been doing this shit since before she came to this cursed island. Naturally, it was nothing for her to sneak into the medic bay and find your cot.

Not many other cadets in here, you the only woman. She glanced at the desk that held the clipboards. Finding yours, they were just worried about dehydration, not the solar plexus. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

Of fucking course you’d have neglected to properly hydrate. 

She picked up the chair from the desk and gently placed it near your cot. She should let you sleep. You have dark bags under your eyes.

But it’s been too long since she’s enjoyed your company.

Fuck it. She’ll be selfish for one goddamned day.

Your face searched for her, eyes still closed.

“Hnng?” you settled for keeping one eye on her. Your face relaxed as soon as you identified who pulled you from your uneasy slumber. She hated to admit that your implicit trust of her sent flutters throughout her being.

“Hey, I heard you got hit pretty good earlier.”

You closed your eyes, but your body had turned, further ingraining your blatant trust of her. It hurt. In a good way? But also in the worst way. 

She stopped fighting with herself and grabbed the hand you had draped over your side. Absent-minded caresses and a content hum from you. 

What was this? 

You’re part of the mission now, but would you still forgive her when you find out the truth? Knowing you, you probably would. Fool.

You had this odd way of simultaneously lifting her up and throwing her down. No, that’s not right. You aren’t responsible for the latter. That’s all her. Self-loathing. Heh. It’s not like it’s new for an Eldian, but this takes it to new lows.

“Nnie?” Her heart leapt as her head jerked towards you. Your face peaceful, absolutely. Serenity, unseen any of the other times she had watched you sleep ~~not that she did that often~~. 

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

.

.

.

What? WHAT? You— **WHAT**?!!

Sensing her response, you returned the pressure to your joined hands.

“Nnie. It’s okay. You don’t have to feel the same. But you deserve to know I do. Everyone deserves to hear that truth.” 

YOU—?!!

Anger overcame her. Not at you. Never at you.

How could she—what could have possessed you to put such trust in her? Her, of all people?!

She was acutely aware of how Bertolt would watch you. Sometimes she’d catch other cadets watching you with eyes hungry like hers. 

She stood up, returned the chair to its proper place, and left.

❦

She knew Armin wasn’t interested in you like that. She knew he was just good-spirited—another fool. Another weakness of hers.

Jealousy reared its ugly head as she watched you grab for him.

You weren’t hers. 

Fuck. 

She had been avoiding you since that _stupid_ confession.

Placing her empty dishes back in the kitchen, she made her way back outside, you two nowhere in sight.

She didn’t like that.

Turning the corner, she caught sight of you patting his shoulder with a towel. She couldn’t hear the conversation, but she knew it wasn’t for her.

Fuck. It should be her comforting you.

**_No._ **

And then you pull him in a tight embrace.

WHAT THE FUCK?

No.

Armin didn’t like you like that. You acted like he was a little brother you had to protect.

But…  
She turned back to watch. Your pose, at a glance, could look like a lover’s embrace. But to someone who knew you so well—and who the hell was she to be able to classify herself as such?—your spine was too stiff.

Her eyes widened when she realized that the both of you were trembling in fear. What had made you so afraid? She slipped into the shadows of the buildings, finding a sturdy enough pipe that allowed her to scale the building for a better vantage point. Crouching low to remain behind the parapet, she scanned the horizon.

 _There_. Two men. Two MPs?

Shit. 

They know. It’s true.

❦

You couldn’t sleep. She knew you couldn’t sleep.

She rolled out of her bed, careful not to make any noise. Padding over to your bunk, she covered your mouth and nodded her head in the direction of the door.

Wide eyes softened and you nodded.

Such a simple thing nearly melted her.

Fuck. Maybe she should just let Bertolt have this part of the mission. It was becoming unbearable. 

Standing back so you could move, she was surprised when your hand slipped into hers and you pulled the both of you forward.

Fuck.

_Fuck._

**_ Fuck. _ **

A glance at you as the cool night air envelops the two of you reveals what she already knew but was reluctant to admit. 

She loved you, too.

Distancing yourselves from the barracks, you two opted to perch atop the steps leading to the mess hall. 

You sat on a step above her, allowing for her to comfortably lean on your legs as you enjoyed the company.

It was close to an hour before you said anything, your voice hoarse.

“They found him. My dad? Murdered. They said that it was a mutiny, but the more I think about it, the less that makes sense. I can’t think of why anyone would murder him—his men loved him. They were family. Acted like a bunch of drunk uncles, but they were family.”

“I’m sorry.”

More silence. Given her recent revelation, she expected to feel anticipation? Fear? Something?

But all she feels is acceptance. 

Overwhelming, constant, unconditional. And damn, if it doesn’t feel good.

“Listen,” she starts, “I’m no good at this love thing. I—”

“That’s okay. I meant it when I said that I didn’t expect you to feel the same way. I didn’t say it only to hear it back.”

After a pause, she turns to face you. Your eyes are calm. Nonjudgmental. 

Lifting her right hand, she reached until she finally caressed your face. You leaned into her touch and closed your eyes. She heard a content hum pass through you and she gently stroked your cheek. 

“Can… Can I kiss you?”

“Please.”

She leans in, hesitancy on her breath. You close the distance. 

It’s soft, and sweet. It calms all nerves with a single focal point. 

She pulls you in for more, hungrily nipping your bottom lip. She swallows your whimper in a desire to know more. 

Fuck. It’s like she’s been stuck in a drought all her life and you’re the first chance at rain. It’s like—

_home._

And suddenly she’s taken out of the moment.

__

_Wait, she knows this. It’s—home?! OH SHIT_

_She relives the moment her father embraced her, muttering his apologies and reminding her that he will always be on her side. It’s inconspicuous enough that the house could be mistaken for that of a village in the Walls._

_In a flash, she’s somewhere unfamiliar._

_Standing alone, in large forests. She feels the weight of the cloak around her head and shoulders. She lifts her arm and fires off a flare._

_She waits. She sees the response, drops the gun, draws her blades._

_She hears them. The first one is in view. She hears the others following. The first one sees her. She makes to intercept and cuts him down like it's nothing._

❦

She sneaks into the boys’ quarters.

Fuck. She can’t get your fucking face out of her goddamn head.

FUCK!

The way your eyes widened in fear for a split second. Confusion distorting your features. And the way you visibly flinched when she told you she couldn’t be in your life anymore.

FUCK.

This is raw. This hurts. All of those edges and pieces and everything that you helped her forget about are aching and screaming.

She already spent the better part of a half-hour crying. 

She failed here, but she—fuck. Seeing her father like that? She can’t fail again.

Just like with you, she sneaks to Reiner’s side. Shakes him awake and covers his mouth before he can wake everyone else. The fucking shithead.

She has to admit, for someone his size, his ability to be quiet when needed is impressive. He follows her outside, and they walk a ways from anyone potentially waking up. 

The sky is lightening with the sunrise, not that anyone here could see it with those fucking walls.

She just wants to go home.

“What is it?” he asks, her back still to him.

“I failed. I think it’s best if you or Bertolt move forward.”

“Wait, what?”

“You heard me. It’s true. Her, I mean.”

“She’s—?”

“Yeah. She’s a Verite. She inherited the gift of their lineage.” She brings a hand to her forehead, trying to stop her body from reliving the sensation. It was like she was forcefully taken from your arms and put into the past and the future? If the rumors are true, then that’s the future. But why she’s there, in those woods, cutting down Scouts? Fuck if she knows.

“Whoa, seriously? Wait, how do you know?!”

“When she sees, so does the subject. It’s triggered through touch, and emotion. At least for now. Once she figures it out, it’ll be different. Keep that in mind.”

“So wait, why can’t you keep it up?”

She turned around, ready to punch him. He took in the red of her eyes, exhaustion clear in her body language. The deadly intent to maim. He takes a step back.

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Just. Take advantage of it. Whichever of you assholes takes on this mission, use her vulnerability.”

She hates herself for thinking of it so critically, of directing these men to manipulate you like this. 

It’s at this point she begins to break.


	6. The 104th Training Corps Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _make a decision to make the most of your two_  
>  _hands._  
>  Alison Malee, "fingerprints"

* * *

#### Autumn 848

_e m p t y ._

Inhale.

Exhale.

One, two. One, two.

Inhale.

Exhale.

One, two. One, two.

Forward. Forward. _Forward._

You don’t regret it. Telling her. Never.

Inhale.

Exhale.

One, two. One, two.

Inhale.

Exhale.

You don’t regret loving her. You can’t.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Forward. Push.

Inhale.

Exhale.

It’s okay for her to feel this way.  
But that doesn’t take the pain away, make the loss of her hurt any less. 

❦

In the mess hall, no one comments on the absence of your energy. Armin notices but has the grace to say nothing. They’re too consumed with the burning questions they received no answers to the day prior. Instead of focusing on her, on what you saw, you’ll focus on these idiots. Gladly.

As you use precise tact to answer their questions, your eyes sweep the mess hall. Your stomach sinks when you don’t see the familiar blonde bun. You briefly make eye contact with Bertolt and he offers a genuine smile and a small wave. You don’t detect any kind of pity, any sign that she told them.

No. She wouldn’t. The only reason Annie really had a relationship with the two of them was you, and she never really pursued that after that incident outside of Trost.

You offer smiles at Eren’s enthusiasm and Jean’s disbelief that you, too, must be suicidal to want to join the Scouts. 

Your eyes sweep the hall again and this time Armin follows your gaze. He takes note of the absences. You’re sure it won’t take him too much longer to figure it out.

It’s okay, though. 

Of all the aspects of yourself that you have to hide, loving her isn’t one.

* * *

#### Spring 849

Hand-to-hand again. This time you’re “training” Armin. He is still reluctant to engage in most self-defense, but he’s getting good at acting like he is to appease Shadis. It’s equal parts a lack of confidence, equal parts struggling to harmonize his philosophies with the military.

“It’s not that you’re wrong, per se, Armin, but please, believe in yourself. I do,” you comment, kicking between his legs to widen his stance.

“You believe in everyone,” he dismisses.

“Armin,” you warn. “I believe in people who deserve it. You’re stronger than you know, and a lot of it is in your intellect. Now hit me like you mean it!” 

Your playfulness is not lost on him, but his hands tremble nonetheless. He offers half-hearted jabs and weak kicks.

“Any more dreams?”

“No. I haven’t been sleeping soundly enough to get dreams and to be honest, I’m kind of relieved.”

He nods absentmindedly, muscle memory carrying him through a leg sweep that manages to knock you on your back.

“!!!!”

The surrounding cadets pause as Armin looks on with surprise. The smile forming on your face is something unseen in years. Your excitement pushes you back on your arms before you jump back to your feet. 

“AAAAAAH FUCK YEAH, ARMIN!” You cage him in a hug that nearly topples the both of you. 

“LANGUAGE!”

“Sorry, sir!”

❦

Two weeks later, it’s raining. The Commandant thinks it’s a good idea to make you run through the mud with full gear. Uphill. You still struggle with this shit.

You keep to the back of the train, not wanting to impede others better equipped to keep pace. Armin is at your side, with Reiner behind you two. 

Shadis always gives him shit for picking up the slack, but Reiner always takes the rear so he can. 

He keeps shouting encouragement to your chagrin. You offer threats of violence that you have no intention of keeping.

* * *

#### Summer 849

They’ve upped the stakes with ODM training in the forest. The wooden titans are located at random intervals throughout the forest. Some are on rotating boards, others with springboards.

It’s obvious that it’s a part of evaluations for the top ten. Ten more months until graduation. Ten more months until freedom.

You perch in a branch, awaiting the whistle.

Upon hearing it, you propel yourself forward. 

The goal is to find as many “titans” as you could, slice through the cushion attached to their neck, and make it back. As many as possible.

In the distance, you hear the releasing of the wire, the crunch as the hooks attach to their marks. There is something else you need to listen for, and—

Aha!

You dive through the forest, towards the rotating wood platform.

_ S L I C E !  _

Behind you, you sense at least one person following you. Sure. If someone wants to tag along, you don't mind. 

You continue on your current trajectory, pausing to listen. The creaking of metal coiled, ready to pop. Just to your left. 

❦

You hit at least twelve, mostly staying by yourself, but you are aware of someone not too far behind. You look up, noting the position of the sun. It is almost time to return. 

_ kathunk _

There. Straight ahead. You angle your hips and pulled the triggers. Pulling yourself through the air, you go to reposition yourself for a better cut. 

Reposition.  
Aim.  
Trigger.

Trigger.

Trigger?!

FUCK—your gear seized up! You are now hurtling towards the ground at a bone-breaking height. You try just the right. Nothing. Just the left. Something! And then—

Something solid hits you. _Hard._

The breath you are holding is forced out of you in a single, “agh!” and you feel the pop before you hear it. Using the last bit of strength your hand had, you release. 

Green blurs past you as you assess the weight you feel across your back. Looking up, you meet comfortable green eyes. 

“Oh. Hi,” you whisper, settling your head against the chest that caught you. You close your eyes, feeling nauseated by the pain in your wrist and the dizzying speed. You two start slowing as he finds a branch large enough to support the both of you. 

Bertolt let go and examines you as you hunch over, clutching your left hand close to your chest as you try not to start heaving. 

“Are you okay?” His hand brushes your back, attempting to soothe you.

“N-no. Not really,” you grunt. You stood up, showing him your swelling wrist. 

He says nothing, keeping his eyes firmly on your wrist. After a moment, he asks, “Do you have wrap on you? I don’t.” A shake of your head prompts him to step forward. “Okay. I need to lift you up. You’re going to have to hold on.”

You struggle to understand why he is refusing to meet your eyes until it clicks. He is going to have to have you wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his shoulders. Your wrist is too busted to reliably hold on if he were to carry you on his back. 

Blood rushes to your face and you struggle to look him in the face. “Ah. Yep. Gotcha.”

He bends his knees to make the jump less of an effort. You jump and his hands grab onto the underside of your thighs. You wrap your arms around his neck and tuck your head so tightly into his chest that you can hear the rapid beating of his heart. His scent overwhelms you—sequoia and sandalwood. 

“I won’t drop you,” he whispers, reorienting himself to launch himself back to base.

“I know. I trust you.”

❦

Shadis is none too pleased by your injury, but Bertolt’s testimony helps to redirect his frustration. You are exempt from most duties for the foreseeable future. Endurance, stamina, and ODM training could continue with a brace, and, in exchange for missing the rest, you would help with the medics.

They are overjoyed with your assistance. Despite it being years since your mom’s training, it takes no time at all for you to pick it up again. 

With it being summer, most of the injuries were sprains, dehydration, and varying degrees of hyperthermia. Any time a cadet goes down, Bertolt is the one to bring them in more often than not. 

It usually leads to coy smiles, gentle teasing, and lingering touches.

Your estimated time for healing was two months. To the surprise of the military doctor, your wrist completely heals in one. 

❦

Given your proficiency in medical training, modified duties and modified evaluations are suggested. You only accept on the terms that Armin, still struggling to consistently qualify, be granted the same leniency.

Commandant Shadis schedules a meeting with Commander Pixis and Commander Smith for you to present your case. 

The meeting is held in the same office that you had been summoned to, and you ensure Armin’s attendance. 

“Are you sure about this? I want to graduate, but I fail to see what I could offer to these men if I cannot perform to basic standards.” 

“Absolutely. Despite your opinions of yourself, I am confident in your abilities. You are easily one of the most clever people I have met. If this is what you want to do, I will fight for you. The military could use less meatheads and more strategists, don’t you think?” You offer an easy smile. “Plus, it helps that Commander Pixis and I have history,” you wink. 

“Wait, what?” 

“CADET ARLERT. CADET VERTRAUEN. ENTER.”

“Trust me.” 

You open the door, allowing Armin to enter first. You shut it behind you. Once at his side, you both salute the men in the room. 

“At ease,” Commander Pixis dismisses. “In attendance to this meeting are as follows: Commandant Keith Shadis of the Southern Cadet Corps. Commander Dot Pixis of the Southern Garrison Division. Commander Erwin Smith of the Survey Corps. Cadet Arlert. Cadet Vertrauen. Anka Rheinberger of the Garrison, acting as recorder for this meeting.”

“Due to overwhelming proficiency in academic fields and the apparent ineptitude for some of the physical requirements, a modified graduation requirement plan is proposed,” Shadis states, considering you two carefully. 

“As both cadets have expressed continued interest in joining the Survey Corps, I will be the final say in the acceptance of this plan,” Commander Smith establishes. “Is this amenable to all parties involved?” 

A variety of affirmations around the room allow for the meeting to progress.

“Then, please. Proceed.”

“Sir. I believe I would make a promising addition to the Survey Corps in more ways than one. It has come to the attention of Commandant Shadis that I am more than capable to serve as a medic. His reports would be able to provide more insight into my skills for the other graduate requirements.”

The three men regard you as both Pixis and Smith read over the documents before them. Shadis takes this time to offer a verbal assessment.

“Cadet Vertrauen has exhibited above-average proficiency in Omni-directional mobility, third only to Cadets Ackerman and Kirschtein. Tenacious in continued training to compensate for weak performance elsewhere. Great at both verbal and nonverbal communication with comrades, working almost to a fault to ensure success all around. Cadet Arlert, while lackluster in physical performance, continually outperforms everyone else in the classroom and strategic simulations. Well-respected by his comrades for his steadfast teamwork and dedication.”

Both commanders consider the two cadets before them, and you take the opportunity to speak.

“Sirs, if I may,” a nod by Commander Smith encourages you. “I propose that I continue training as a medic in a military setting, with Armin Arlert. We will continue with ODM exercises, stamina strengthening, and team exercises. In lieu of all else, we will work with the medical team to maximize usefulness following graduation.”

Shadis rubs his forehead, while Pixis drinks from his flask. Commander Smith has an amused expression on his face.

“‘Working to a fault to ensure success all around,’” he chuckles to himself. A glance at Armin reveals the same level of confusion at his response. “Cadets. Your proposal is admirable and hinges on your abilities to be of use to the Survey Corps. It is obvious that you two are clearly capable cadets. If I accept this and let me be clear that this _would be_ beneficial to the Corps, you are essentially tying yourself to the regiment with the highest mortality rate. Why?”

“Humanity’s future does not lie within the walls, sir. My future does not lie within these walls. My heart and soul has always belonged outside these walls, and therefore there was never even a decision to be made. I will continue to fight, as I have always done, to be as instrumental as possible in this quest.”

“I see. Cadet Arlert? Do you have anything you would like to add, or do you share the sentiment?”

“Sir! It is my belief as well that humanity’s future is beyond the wall, and I do not intend to let other people continue to fight and die for me!”

“Very well. I accept. Do either of you have any objections?”

“Not at all. I find their dedication to be invigorating. They will make fine scouts,” Pixis comments, a sly smile forming with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

Shadis glances between the two before standing. “I have one further addendum: that these two continue the physical training together, including Omni-directional mobility gear. I have seen the greatest improvement in Arlert’s capabilities when training with her.”

At this, you visibly shift your gaze to Armin, his eyes imploring your permission. You face forward, extending your hand.

“I accept.” 

Commander Smith’s hand dwarfs your own.

“I look forward to your service.”

❦

You leave the meeting feeling relief. You know that it's just some bullshit concocted to get you to help more with the medical team, but this way you can guarantee Armin’s graduation. These past couple of years, he hadn’t wavered in his desire to join them. He has undoubtedly improved, but Shadis only worked to break down his confidence.

Yeah, yeah, you get it. They gotta tear you all down before molding you into perfect little soldiers. Except there were other ways to see results, and you know it. 

You wait outside of the building for the exit of the man you need to speak with. Armin had already left, and Shadis returned to terrorize your comrades. He grunted as he passed you, displeased that Smith had explicitly requested your absence for the remainder of the day. As it stands, the two remaining commanders are probably scheming behind closed doors. You assume it isn’t often that these two men could really talk, especially since the Garrison often acts as the deciding factor in the disputes regarding the other two regiments.

A warm summer breeze weaves itself through the buildings and you felt yourself enjoying it, even if just for a moment. You miss the simple pleasures of enjoying your environment. You miss how simple things were when in Shiganshina. 

The hairs on the back of your neck stand up as you felt intent eyes on you. Opening your eyes, you turn to find a man at the end of the path sizing you up. Dressed in military attire, he wears a green cloak that obscures which branch he belonged to. You assume the Survey Corps, as they were more likely to wear their cloaks than the others. His dark hair frames his face, and unlike other military men with undercuts, he kept his loose but tidy. As he approaches, you note that he isn’t much shorter than you. Huh. Could this be…?

You offer a salute. Despite the bored gaze, he dismisses you with the barest hint of a smirk.

“Captain Levi, sir,” you venture.

“You. You’re the reason I’m here right now.”

Your eyes widen. “Sir?”

“Commander Erwin insisted I accompany him. A particular candidate, he said,” he rolls his eyes at that. Dick. “So tell me: what makes you special?”

Despite feeling disgruntled at his line of questioning and the aura of intimidation, that same buzz from before speaks up.

_Tell him. Trust him._

You listen. You fix a diplomatic smile on your face before telling him, “It’s something that will be explained once the Commander joins us.”

“I see.” 

Before much else is able to happen, the door swings open and Commander Smith steps out. Seeing you both waiting for him brings a coy smile to his lips. “I take it you two have met?”

A curt nod is all he receives in response. He considers you two—you, facing straight ahead, waiting for his direction; Levi, watching you with little curiosity. “Please, let us convene somewhere more… intimate. Shall we?”

The commander ushers you further away this time, away from prying eyes and curious ears.

❦

“I assume that this cadet, Armin Arlert? He is the one you have trusted with your secret?”

“Yes, sir. I trust him explicitly, and his keen intellect has proven to be useful in solving the immediate pieces of this puzzle.”

“How so?”

“We have experimented, I guess you could call it. Late at night, we have been able to meet. He has helped prove my hypothesis—” you pause, distracted by Captain Levi’s interest in the Commander’s excited expression, “those memories that I had seen before, with my father, _were_ in fact memories belonging to my father. I have experienced this with two other people, but only one of them was able to confirm this.”

“Interesting,” the Commander breathes with a dazed smile on his face.

“Sir?” the Captain queries. Receiving no answer from the blonde, he turns to you. “Can you elaborate for me? I seem to be missing the whole picture.”

“Of course, sir. My father was Garrison Captain Ansem Verite. Unknown to me at the time, he had previously been a member of the First Interior Squad. Apparently it was one of your expeditions that uncovered the truth of his death. That was what put me in contact with the Commander. The last time I saw him, the Colossal Titan had burst through the wall. Just before saying goodbye, we were both struck with different memories: my father as a child with his brother; my father graduating top of his class; interrogating a man with other MPs; meeting my mother; and the night he transferred regiments. 

“I didn’t think anything of it, until I remembered the story of how he met my mother. I went to Commander Pixis for answers—”

“Why Pixis?”

“Oh. You see, my dad was already in the military when he met my mother. As the story went, he ran into her as she was sneaking into the Underground. The only way he would have been there while on duty was if he was in the Military Police. If he was, that would explain another one of those memories. Pixis confirmed enough of his story that I knew it was true. The last moments I shared with my father were memories of his life. 

“Since then, I have had an increasing number of dreams that felt more like omens than anything else. I shared one of these memories with Armin—his grandfather leaving before the mission to retake Wall Maria. The other part is a little harder to explain. I’ve been dreaming of a scouting mission. The scouts leave from a district, further from Trost. They spread out across the land, using the flare guns to communicate over the distance. On the right are titans, er—at least, I assume so. That’s what the red smoke is for, right? Before I know it, there’s a black flare and a titan different from all the others because she moves with intent. 

“When I had dreamt this, I was always in one of the right-most positions. But I shared a similar memory with Armin. He was further away from the right, but it was the same.”

They both watch you; Captain Levi with healthy skepticism, Commander Smith with child-like wonder. 

Captain Levi is the first to speak. “You mentioned that you experienced this with another person?”

You hesitate. You still aren’t quite sure what to make of this situation with Annie. But that was in the past. “Yes. I was unable to confirm whether the first one was a memory, but the second memory or whatever took place in a forest. It kind of reminded me of the Forest of Giant Trees, but I’m not sure. It was high into the trees. I didn’t see the person, but they were wearing the same cloak you are, Captain. Hood up. They started going into the forest and came across a small team of Scouts. The hooded person cut down the first Scout they came across, a man with short dark hair.” 

“Interesting, cadet. At the very least, it seems that you are somehow able to peek into the memories of someone else, is that right?” Commander Smith presses.

“That is the hypothesis, sir. It’s only when I touch them, though. The first time, with my dad, he kissed my forehead before we separated. The second time I held his hand. The last time was—ah. It was with a kiss.” Your cheeks warm at the admission, suddenly finding your boots to be oh, so interesting and absolutely deserving of your full attention. 

“The first time and the last seem to be pretty significant events. Chaos from the wall, and then a kiss,” the Captain smirks as it rolls out of his mouth. “What was so special about the second one?”

“Um, I’m not… It was just after I met the Commander.”

“When you found out how he died?”

“Yeah. Armin and I were talking about it, and he started asking questions…” you try to bring that night to the forefront of your mind. Not the memories, but the conversation leading up to it. Captain Levi is suggesting that they were emotionally charged moments? What—? Oh. “I was afraid.”

“Afraid?” Commander Smith’s glee immediately dissolves into intense sobriety.

“I don’t know why I felt that way, but I felt like someone was watching, like I was in danger. Not just me, but that Armin was in danger, too. It’s not just then. It’s… It’s the same thing that told me I could trust you—both of you—,” your gaze flickering between the two men. “It’s the same thing that told me I couldn’t trust my Uncle.” 

They both watch you carefully. At this point, the sun is hanging much lower in the sky, and you are relieved that the atmosphere has become cooler.

“So how’re you feeling now?” 

You face the Captain, unsure of the purpose of his question. He doesn't care about how you actually feel, but you know that his question carried weight.

“I, uh. Overwhelmed, I guess?”

“Huh. So nothing too potent,” he thought a moment. “You mentioned a kiss. Tell us about it.”

Your mind goes blank as your face heats. “Sir?!”

“I take it that you don’t want to talk about it because they didn’t like it. Perhaps you made a move and they rebuffed you? No, not quite. You kissed them and they left,” he mutters, getting closer to you. 

You try your hardest not to react. It's like opening up an old wound—one that never quite got the chance to heal in the first place.  
“Yes, that must be it. They left y—”

_**SMACK!**_

His head whips in the same direction that you found your hand, palm open, red, angry.

“Hmm. Disappointing. Not the slap—that was pretty good. So it seems that it’s not tied to how _you_ feel, which means it’s how the other person feels.”

You are still breathing heavy and your vision is tinted with red, but his observation gives you pause. 

“Regardless, this doesn’t mean anything until we figure out what these other ‘memories’ are. Maybe we could take her to Hange—they’re pretty emotional.”

“I wouldn’t say that quite yet, Levi. What intrigues me is that these unknown instances focus around the Scouts. Especially as both you and Arlet will be entering the Scouts upon graduation. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

❦

Exhaustion seeps from every pore of your being. Being around those two… you aren’t sure if you have ever met two people more intense. And you met “ _Humanity’s Strongest_.” Jackass. You’d be remiss if you didn’t admit to looking forward to finding ways to get under his skin in the future.

The jackass.

You finally find your way to the front of the barracks, not even bothering with the mess hall. You just want a shower and sleep. Fuck, you can't even remember the last time when you got decent sleep. If only you could stop them from coming, from saturating your being, from leaving you with more questions. 

God. If only you could start getting answers before more questions came.

But perhaps that jackass gave you an answer. It’s not you, but them. Their emotions. Strong ones… The only way you could prove this would be if you intentionally went around touching people when they’re emotionally vulnerable. Enraged. Flustered. Enamored. Overjoyed. Great. You could try with Jean or Eren—they’re ready to fight goddamned always. 

You stop short at seeing Bertolt leaning against the column supporting the men’s barracks.

“Hey,” you offer a tired smile.

“You were missed on the hike today,” he comments lightly as you move closer.

“You missed me?” you coquet, pushing his arm playfully. “I doubt you missed me on the hike. You’re always so far ahead of me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t mind catching up when we reach the top,” he admits, a faint pink sprinkling his cheeks. Well, damn. If that isn't a sight you could get used to.

“We could catch up now, if you’re willing? Wait. Have you already eaten?” 

He nods. You move to lean on the other side of the pillar, the height difference between the two further exaggerated as you didn’t join him on the porch and instead opt to remain on the ground.

“Where were you today?”

“I had an appeal with the Commanders.”

“Wait—Commanders plural?”

“Yep,” the ‘p’ accentuated with a pop of your lips. “Pixis and Smith.”

_Something’s wrong._

“Aren’t they the commanders of the Garrison and the Survey Corps?”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t a big deal. Shadis agreed to adjust my grad requirements so I can enter the Survey Corps with full medical training.” You aren’t sure why you don’t tell him about Armin’s role, but the nag is there.

He visibly startles. “The Survey Corps?! I thought you were going to join the Garrison?”

You use the column to spin yourself in front of him. He looks worried. “Mmm. Maybe in a lifetime ago, when my dad was still here. It’s like I told Commander Smith earlier—my heart and soul lie outside of these walls, so it wasn’t even a question of which regiment I would join.” 

He studies you a long while, tension building between you like a coil preparing to snap.

“You mean that? That you belong outside the Walls?” 

“Absolutely,” you whisper, tilting your head up, not realizing he took a step closer.

“Would you go with me, if I told you there was a way?”


	7. Humanity's Comeback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _To new beginnigs_   
>  _in fear and faith_   
>  _and all it tinges_
> 
> _To love is a dare,_  
>  _when hope and despair,_  
>  _are gates upon it hinges._
> 
> Lang Leav, "A Toast!"

* * *

#### Summer 849

Bertolt eyes you with singular intensity, his question still lingering in the air.

You feel a nag in the back of your mind, but you ignore it in favor of savoring the moment. 

“Would you want me to?” you hedge closer to him. “When humanity is no longer hounded by the threat of the titans, would you want to experience that with me? Freedom?”

Something shifted in him, that much you can tell. You furrow your brows slightly while trying to read him. Apprehension. Anticipation. Desire. He swallows, watching as you inched closer, mouth parting slightly.

“There you are, Bertolt!” 

You both step back. While your eyes can’t leave him, his shift down. You listen with ~~mild~~ annoyance as Reiner jogs towards you both. 

A hand clamps down on your shoulder as he rests his arm across your back. Mirth visible in his expression as you adjust to look at the giant man.

“Where were you and Armin today? It was weird not being behind you two on the hike,” he pokes.

something's off

“Oh, uh, she was just telling me that she had a meeting with Commander Erwin about joining the Scouts,” Bertolt steps back, scratching the back of his neck and eyeing Reiner purposefully.

“The Survey Corps? Really? Never took you for the type,” Reiner muses. “Was it Eren? Kid makes some good points in his rants sometimes…”

You huff indignantly and Reiner removes his hand from you like you burned him. “No! Ugh! What the hell, Reiner. You should know better than that.”

You smack his arm before turning to leave. Looking over your shoulder, you see Reiner and Bertolt staring at each other with a fervor the conversation had previously been missing. Bertolt notices your attention and you offer a warm smile.  
“We’ll talk more tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

❦

Stretching as you were leaving the barracks, you stop at an unusual sight. It is too early for anyone else to really be awake. You don't really know of anyone else who had insomnia as bad as you, so your morning laps were always done in relative solitude (the Commandant would often watch from just outside his quarters). And yet, here he is.

Bertolt offers you a small smile before offering, “Good morning. I figured you could use some company on your morning run.”

“I… I didn’t think you knew about that.” Your cheeks redden at the attention, both that which he had obviously been giving you before and that which he provided then. 

You two walk in silence before starting.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He's keeping pace with you. Not that it's bad, or unwelcome, but… it is just different.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

You had enjoyed the peace and contemplation you were afforded with a run in the mornings. You rarely got true solitude now, and so the laps you did in the mornings and evenings had become your only treat. Shadis didn’t mind because you kept going. Kept pushing. Kept working.

Inhale.

Exhale. 

Inhale.

Exhale.

From how the guys talk, Bertolt could sleep through anything. He would sleep until the last possible moment. So why is he here?

Inhale.

Exhale. 

Inhale.

Wait.

You stop and regard your companion as he slows only a few strides ahead. He turns, and it clicks.

“Bertolt?” Receiving no answer, you step forward. “Did you mean it last night?”

“Mean what?” Guarded curiosity. Huh.

“You asked if I would go with you…? Would you really want me to?” You close the distance between the two of you.

Red spreads across his face and he looks away.

“Only if you wanted to,” he replies, still not meeting your gaze.

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

His eyes flash at your gentleness. “Yes,” barely a whisper, barely there.

You reach for him, and when he doesn’t stop you, your hand finds his cheek.

_Four kids. You recognized three—Annie, Bertolt, and Reiner. There was another, with chestnut hair. They looked as though they were travelling. The ground shook and a titan sprung forth, dark hair, dark eyes, large mouth. Overwhelming dread. The titan grabbed for a young Reiner, and the unknown kid pushed him out of the way._

_Loss._

_It shifted, and you were in the cabin again. It was that night you first dreamt of that scene. You were sitting on the ground before the fireplace, warm blanket wrapped around you. Bertolt stood before you with a tenderness in his expression that you hadn’t noticed before. You extended your arm to accommodate him, and he gladly filled the space. You leaned into him._

_Warmth. So much warmth. Affection._

_Again, somewhere new. No, wait, you recognized this place… These rooftops? Home. Shiganshina. Bertolt stood on one end of the roof, Armin on the other, standing before a stone chimney. Fear. Anger. Hurt. You landed between them, arm extended to get Armin to stand down. Your eyes searching Bertolt. You couldn’t hear the exchange, and you were dismayed as tears fell from your cheeks. You rushed Bertolt, grabbing his face and pulling him into a passionate kiss. _

_Love. Loss. Devastation._

You flinch from him, afraid of his response, his rejection. He watches you with apprehension, tears pooling in his eyes. And then he's crushing you to him, capturing your lips in a desperate kiss.

Relief floods you. He wants you, despite this curse. He wants you, despite what he had just seen. He… wants you.

You return his fervor and try to pull him closer. You haven’t even registered that tears had threatened to fall until you feel the wetness on your cheeks. He pulls away with a fulfilled sort of smile and gently wipes them away before peppering your face with light kisses. 

“You—you aren’t afraid?” you mumble as you bury your face in his chest. “Of whatever the fuck—?”

You don’t need to hear his response because he provides his answer as his arms wrap around you and hold you to him.

* * *

#### Spring 850

The following months flew by as you seldom found time alone from that point forward.

You spend much of your time with Armin, his progress with physical exercises exponential. Positive reinforcement is all that was needed, and soon you bore witness to steady confidence in each of his abilities. 

He comes to you often to supplement what he learned during medical training, taking to it easily. While he still struggles with serious injuries that needed precise stitching or operation, he comes into his own. 

You try experimenting with casual touches when emotions are high. Doing so, unfortunately, turns you into a counselor of sorts—seeing how you were able and willing to step into conflicts between Jean and Eren, they started turning to you for advice. The fuck kind of advice you could give them? Shit if you know, but they accept easy ears. The visions you see for them aren’t anything special—Jean being doted on by his mother, getting a strong punch to the gut in an overcrowded mess hall by ~~that jackass~~ Captain Levi; Eren wrapping the red scarf around Mikasa’s neck and similarly receiving a kick from the same Captain. They're small and innocuous enough that neither really give it much thought, and you don't suggest that you shared their sudden memory. 

In any free time you have, Bertolt is by your side, and, more often than not, Reiner by extension. You don’t mind. Given your particular… situation, you two aren’t often physically affectionate, and with his disposition in general, you two aren’t too verbal with it. To the outside, it probably just looked like you two were just hanging out more. Reiner’s presence works to dispel rumors, and you don’t mind the brother-like attachment the two had to each other.

It isn’t until one particular spring night that anything exceptional occurred. 

On bad nights, you make your way to the roof of the barracks and just watch the sky. Sometimes, if he's still awake when he hears the rustling, he joins you.

It's one of those nights. It was been warmer that day, and it isn’t that you had a nightmare, but more that you are completely unable to go to sleep. 

“You mind if I join you?”

You turn your head in his direction and give him a warm smile. “You ask like you don’t know the answer.” After these past couple of months, it never fails to give you butterflies at the sight of his blush. 

He lays his body next to yours, his left arm tucked behind his head, his right extended for you to come closer. You oblige him, resting your head above his heart. His hand brushes the hair from your face before settling on your shoulder.

“Does it ever bother you?” you ask, shifting your face to look at his.

“Does what bother me?”

“My… whatever this is. That we can’t, y’know, touch… more?”

He considers your question, fingers distractingly tracing patterns on your shoulder. Deep breath in, deep breath out. “No. Does it bother you?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes?” You pause, listening to the steady beats beneath his skin, reminders of his being alive, being with you. “I just… I know that it’s when someone else is going through a moment, but it’d be nice if I could just touch someone without worrying.”

“Maybe you could learn to control it?” he suggests. “Honestly, the first time I saw it happen, it was shocking. I didn’t know what was happening. But it reminded me of you, and… I just didn’t want for you to go through it alone.”

“What? What do you mean? It didn’t scare you, what you saw? Or the fact that you _saw_ anything at all??”

“It did, but when I saw your face afterwards, you looked so scared, so small, like you thought I would leave you.”

His hand steadies and you extend your right arm to wrap around him. “I was.” His grip tightens, and you steel yourself for what you want to say next.

“Listen. I need to tell you something, but I want you to know some things first, okay?” He stills, anxiety suddenly present in his posture. “It’s nothing bad, I promise. I just… I don’t expect anything in return. I don’t care if you feel the same way, I mean, it would be nice if you did, but...,” you push yourself off of his chest so you can look him in the face. “I was taught that everyone needs to hear it, to know the truth.” 

Your hand reaches to stroke his face but hesitates. You don’t want to ruin the moment with a fucking vision.

“I love you, that I know for certain, but on top of that, I think I’m falling _in_ love with you… Again, I don’t expect for you to feel the same but I just want you to know that I do… That you _are_. Loved, I mean,” you start mumbling, looking anywhere but his eyes. 

His lips part in surprise for a moment before he whispers your name. You meet his eyes, afraid to analyze what was in them. He whispers, thoughtful in tone, “Can you do something for me? I want to kiss you, and I want to enjoy it. Can you… try?”

You soften, nodding at him before diving into yourself. His right arm that had been abandoned when you rose found your clothed hip and settled there. Deep inside, you feel an itch, almost. It is hard to describe, but you urge yourself to be in control, to not let it interfere. 

While you struggle internally, he lifted himself up so he was leaning back on his left arm, right still firmly holding you. Bringing his lips to your ear, he whispers, “I’m going to kiss you now.” 

His right hand leaves your side, moving up your arm and settling just before his index finger pulled your chin to him. Experiencing nothing but the moment, he pressed his lips to yours.

When you don’t feel that burn, that flash, you grab his shirt and bring him closer, pouring urgency into the kiss. He grabs you with both hands, repositioning the one that was on your chin to your hip, tugging you closer. You climb on top of him, letting his arms wrap around your back as you hold his face between your hands. You can’t get enough. You weren’t afraid to touch him anymore. 

Breaking the kiss, you press your forehead to his and don’t even bother suppressing the sob that threatened to break free. In response, he holds you closer. 

“You did it,” he murmurs with a breathy chuckle. He pulls back, petting your hair away from your face and stroking your cheek. “You did it! I love you, I love you, too.” He pulls you in for a passionate kiss, reveling in knowing the truth.

* * *

#### Summer 850

_ Of the original recruits, 219 cadets graduated. Some with honors. _

“Do you have heart?!” the Commander shouts to the graduating class.

In unison, all cadets bring their fists to their hearts and offer a salute. “Sir!”

“As of this moment, you have three options open to you. The Garrison Regiment, whose job is to reinforce the Walls. The Scout Regiment, who rides out into titan country to take back what was once ours. And the MP Regiment, maintaining law and order under orders from His Royal Majesty. Those cadets eligible for the MP have already been named. The rest of you, take a look! These are the top of your class!”

You stand tall, Mikasa and Reiner to your left, Bertolt, Annie, Eren, Jean, Marco, Connie, and Sasha on your right. 

❦

The hall is full of celebration, the mood jovial and light. Years of hard work behind you, everyone is ready to move on (and away from Shadis). 

Bertolt wraps his arm around your shoulders and stays by your side throughout the night. Being the most outright affection either of you had shown in public, your friends keep coming up to you and commenting on it.

“Aw, look at the power couple over here!” Sasha exclaims, gaining Connie’s attention.

“Whoa, I didn’t know you two were together!” 

Ymir butts in, dragging Christa with her, “You can’t honestly tell me it was a surprise, what with how they ogled each other all the time.”

Bertolt blushes, but you just pull him closer. “It’s not exactly like we were hiding it, you guys.”

“So will you two be joining the MPs with us?” Connie asks, pointing between Sasha and himself with his thumb.

“Oh, well, I don’t want to speak for Bertl, but I’m joining the Scouts. It was actually a condition of my graduation.”

Connie’s eyes bug while Bertolt clears his throat in discomfort. 

It is a slight point of tension between the two of you—he wants you safe, and the only constants the Survey Corps know are death and defeat. Since you have the obligation to the Survey Corps, there is no way for him to dissuade you and you two largely avoid the topic. 

“So, what, you’re a suicidal maniac like Eren over there?” Jean steps forward, looking at you with misplaced frustration and disgust.

“No. I wouldn’t say that. If I die for the cause, then I die for the cause. But I’ll do it having tasted freedom,” you try stepping forward to meet his challenge, but Bertolt tightens his hold on you.

“Have fun with that. Meanwhile, when you’re dead, I’ll be sleeping in His Majesty’s barracks.”

“You go do that, Jean. Nice to know all those years you spent preparing to kill titans will go to waste.” You tug at Bertolt’s shirt and point to the door.

❦

The city is still warm from the sun, despite the sun’s complete disappearance from the sky. The streets are quiet, save for the sound of conversation from the building behind you. Bertolt had dropped his arm from your shoulder, instead opting to keep his hand in yours, letting you lead the way. You two don't stray far, just up the street a bit. 

Letting go of his hand, you twirl in excitement as he leans against the building, watching you.

Looking back up to the sky, you sigh. “We’re finally done,” you laugh. You turn back to him before asking, “You have two more days to think on it. Do you know where you’ll want to go?”

He shakes his head and reaches his hand out. You gladly take it and let him pull you close. You lean into him, your arms resting on his chest, his on your lower back.

“I don’t know just yet. I did all this so I could go to the Interior, but something tells me that I should keep you close,” he murmurs, eyes studying your features. “You look happy.”

“I feel happy. Maybe it’s just because I have you all to myself right now,” you grace him with a toothy grin before standing on your toes to kiss the tip of his nose. You settle back down, your head replacing your hands as they wrap around his back. “Whatever you choose, I’ll be here for you.” 

He rests his head on top of yours and just holds you, not even acknowledging the opening of the door a little ways away or the three cadets that sat on the steps.

“Mmm. Maybe I’ll do it.”

“Do what?” you query, looking up at him.

“Join the Scouts. Take you beyond the Walls.”

“Do what’s best for you, Bertl. Would it be the worst thing if _I_ were the one to take _you_ beyond the Walls?”

* * *

#### The Day Following Graduation - Trost

_ Just on the other side of Wall Rose, Trost was a sad mixture of smoke and rubble. Titans meandered through the streets, looking for victims. Instead of dealing with them, you were watching as a different scene unfolded. _

_At the base of the Wall were three figures. Surrounding them on the top of buildings, the Wall, directly ahead were Garrison members, weapons drawn._

_What was so dangerous about those three?_

_Upon closer inspection, it was Mikasa at the forefront, back to Armin and Eren._

_A small movement captures your attention—the captain raising his arm._

_Mikasa runs back and grabs Eren._

_The arm comes down, and the boom of the canon reverberates throughout your entire being._

You jolt upwards, sleep interrupted. A quick sweep of the room reveals what you inherently know to be true: you’re safe within Trost. You lay back down, urging your pace to slow. Fuck. You know you aren’t going back to sleep, but you don’t move to leave the comfort the blankets offered.

An unknown time later, you hear someone coming down the hall, towards your door. A soft rap pulls you up, and you gently call for them to open the door. 

The door opens, admitting a soldier. She is a little taller than you with short blonde hair and soft blue eyes. 

She shuts the door behind her but makes no move to come in any further.

“Apologies for interrupting your sleep. My name is Nanaba, and I am a veteran soldier with the Survey Corps. Commander Erwin requested I retrieve you before today’s expedition.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize there would be one so close to recruitment,” you respond, swinging your legs over the side of the bed.

“We will be back before then. I’ll let you get dressed, and then we’ll get going.”  
You nod and she lets herself out. Dressing yourself, you notice your hair was more of a mess than it usually was in the morning. You pull it up into a ponytail before thinking it was time for you to cut it again. Ah, well. That’ll have to come later.

You make the bed before leaving with Nanaba.

❦

You two meet up with another Scout, a man with a light pompadour named Gelgar, and Armin. The four of you travel a short distance until they stop at a nondescript building. Once ushered inside, you notice Commander Smith, ~~the jackass~~ Captain Levi, two more soldiers, one with dirty blonde hair and the other with wild brown hair and glasses.

“Welcome, Cadet Vertrauen, Cadet Arlert. Please, take a seat,” Commander Smith greets with a polite smile. “Behind me stand Section Commanders Mike Zacharias and Hange Zoe. Congratulations on graduating, and welcome to the Survey Corps.”

“Sir,” you both offer in thanks, still confused as to the circumstances.

“I’m certain the two of you are confused as to why you are here now, rather than waiting until the recruitment ceremony,” he starts, assessing the two of you.

When he doesn't comment further, you speak up, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious, sir. It’s still rather early.” 

“It is. Today marks the 56th expedition. As you two have not yet been trained in the long-range scouting formation, you two will remain here. Upon our return, you will be formally given assignment and squad leaders. Should we need medical attention, do you believe you are ready to provide it?”

Looking at Armin, you pause before both answering, “Yes, sir.”

“Very well, then. Welcome to the Scout Regiment. You are dismissed.”

❦

It is now midday, and you are atop the wall again. The new soldiers are ordered to maintain the cannons that had been recently installed. You take to the task to relieve your frustration.  
You couldn’t find Bertolt _or_ Reiner, and when you asked Annie, she scoffed and told you to keep a better eye on your things. It hurts. A lot. No one else had seen them, and you couldn’t shake the fucking nag that something was amiss.

Maybe he was upset that you were a part of the Scouts? Or that you missed him this morning?

Fuck if you know. 

_“You can’t control how other people feel. You can only take responsibility for how you feel.”_

Yeah. Okay. Still doesn’t take away the hurt.

The sun warms your bones as you clean, and a cool breeze filters through those of you working. You listen half-heartedly as Sasha starts a commotion about ten meters away. 

Mmmm. This is good. This is…

_danger danger danger_

Familiar…

_DANGER_

You trigger your ODM gear to latch you to the top of the wall and shout for everyone else to watch out.

A flash of golden lightning hits the ground on the other side of the wall. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, you are face to face with the Colossal Titan. 

The force of his arrival causes a strong blast of hot air that pushes all the other cadets off the top. Your hooks didn’t give way as you are pushed back, almost over the edge. You are vaguely aware of the sounds of their ODM gear being deployed and glad that you deployed yours when you did.

All of your focus is directed at the titan, staring you down. There is something intimate about the eye contact, and it unnerves you that it doesn’t try to eat you.

In the peripheral, you see as he raises his arm. Maybe you are wrong about it not wanting to eat you. Fuck.

You release your hooks before aiming higher. The arm crashes onto the wall, bringing it closer to you as it swept away the cannons like they are nothing. 

You fire, your hooks grabbing between sinew and muscle, and pull yourself into the air.

“Hey! Help me!”

You take off in the direction of the voice, flying through the air around this massive being. Heat radiates off of it, making it difficult to breathe. Any hotter and you are sure you’d catch on fire. A giant arm reaches for Eren and you hook yourself onto it, using it as a way to run up its body. 

Eren joins you in running up the arm, propelling himself towards its nape while you try to make your way to take out its eyes. As soon as you reach the clavicle, it releases a burst of steam that knocks you off its body. You hurtle back towards the wall and manage to latch on and pull yourself back up. 

Turning back, the steam dissipates to reveal… nothing.

It is nowhere to be seen. 

Looking down, you see Eren, hanging not too far from where you are and looking just as dazed as you. On the ground are indents of where he was and titans making their way to the gap in the wall.


	8. Battle of Trost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Whatever you fight  
>  I will fight alongside you.  
> I will watch you win._
> 
> Tyler Knott Gregson

HQ is absolutely chaotic. All around, you can hear shouts of despair, retching, sobbing. Cadets are running to and fro, searching for their friends or lovers or some way to escape. You douse yourself in water to prevent the steam burn from worsening, though a lot of damage was already done since it took time for you to respond.

After filling up the tanks for your ODM gear, you turn to equip your blades. Just as you reach the crates, you hear your name being called.

Bertolt runs towards you, concern clear on his face. “There you are—I’ve been searching everywhere.” He crushes you to him before pulling you back and crashing his lips to yours. After, he begins to fuss over your appearance. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

“No, no. Just a steam burn. I, uh, I got too close to the Colossal Titan,” you say, waving his hands away.

“What?! What were you doing there?” Reiner jumps in having not been too far from Bertolt.

“What do you mean ‘what was I doing there’?! I was where I was supposed to be! Where were you two? I looked everywhere—” 

Bertolt grabs your face and kisses you with absolute relief. 

It's odd enough that he kissed you in semi-public like this, much less with the intensity he was giving you.

“Bertl, please,” you whimper as you draw back, heat suddenly warming your cheeks. 

“I just want you to be safe. I _need_ you to be safe,” he pleads before you lean into his body. 

“Okay, okay, enough of the cutesy shit. We gotta get ready,” Reiner calls, heading to the gas stations. 

“Find me before we all have to go, okay?” 

“I’ll try,” you smile before turning back and fastening the blades to your thighs.

❦

Captain Woerman details the plans before the anxious cadets, ordering them to the Middle Guard with the added reminder that desertion would not save them from death. Everyone scatters upon being dismissed.

It is easy for you to find Bertolt over the heads of most others, so you run to him. Jean is understandably upset as his dream of joining the Military Police is slipping from him and Christa is trying to talk to a vomiting Daz. 

You tug on Bertolt's sleeve to get his attention. “Bertl, I should get going.”

“I know. Just, be safe, okay? Come back to me,” he whispers, slinging his arm around you and resting his forehead on yours. 

“I will. You, too, ‘kay? I gotta show you life beyond the walls, right?”

“Right,” he affirms with an uneasy breath. You give him a quick kiss before breaking apart and finding Squadron 34.

❦

Standing on the rooftops, your squadron surveys the city, waiting for orders. Armin and Eren are making plans to argue for a promotion should they perform well, while Mina and the others challenge them to a titan-killing competition.

You stay quiet, feeling uncomfortable with how light they were making this seem. You were all just cadets, after all. You graduated yesterday and had zero titan fighting experience just yet. You and Eren were the most experienced if you considered your guys’ failure to kill the Colossal Titan experience. 

“Squadron 34, move out! The vanguard needs support!”

“Right!”

A light sprint before triggering your ODM gear and you are off.

The closer you get to the vanguard’s location, the more titans and fewer soldiers you see. You pay little attention to Mina and Thomas’ observations, instead choosing to keep your eyes on the titans you are heading towards. Three to the left, one on a roof up ahead?

“WE’VE GOT AN ABNORMAL! HOLD UP!”

It crouches before leaping, launching itself towards your squad. You all try to evade it, but it stops short of collapsing into a bell tower. Landing, you notice Thomas’ disappearance.

“Thomas?!”

The titan slowly moves from the bell tower, revealing Thomas in its mouth. You all watch hopelessly as it jumps back down to the street and starts walking away.

“YOU BASTARD!” Eren shouts before taking off at full speed.

“Wait! Stay with the group!” Milieus calls out after Armin takes off in the same direction. 

“I will not have you shits die on me, goddammit!” you scream, following them. 

Your current vantage point allows for you to see a titan ready to pounce as Eren positions his blades for the kill.

“EREN!” you shout, too late. Lucky for him, the titan stops at his leg, but that sends Eren to slide face-first on the rooftops. Armin stops his pursuit, ready to assist at the same time that Mina’s wire is pulled on by a nasty looking titan and Milieus is grabbed by another. 

You swing to Mina’s aid, trying to kill the titan before it grabs her. Before you can, your own wire is grabbed by a ten-meter titan, causing you to crash into the ground. Your vision goes fuzzy as you listen to your friend’s screams.

❦

There’s a _clang!_ of someone’s ODM gear not catching and the thud of someone hitting the ground. There’s a vague sobbing, and then the desperate whimpers at the beat of what sounds like chest compressions. Voices. A wail of hopelessness. Wait. Voices? Soft footprints getting louder.

There’s something shaking you, and wet falls on your face. 

“Nng.”

You're aware of the sound as it leaves your body, but you don't remember making it.

You want it to stop. You didn’t think death would be so noisy or so pushy. Fuck. Just. Why won’t it make it easy?

A voice frantically calls out your name.

“Nn.”

You turn your head and let the darkness take you again.

❦

More voices. This time, yelling. Frustration. Defeat.

why can’t they shut up?

There’s moisture on your face, but you can’t be bothered to wipe it away. Ugh. You hate when your face gets wet. Dying like this sucks ass.

Shrill voices. Trying to get people to move? Why? We’re all dead anyway.

Loud thuds, metal whirring, clanking.

Worried voices. You hear running against the shingles.

Shingles? Weren’t you on the ground? 

You feel weightless all of a sudden. Or, just your top half. You’re pulled against something warm. Something petting your hair. Shaking you. No, that’s not right. It’s not intentional. Sobbing? Are you?

is someone holding you?

And your face. It’s getting wetter. 

when did it start raining again? 

You try to tell them to stop, to put you back down and let you rest.

“Mmnn oh.”

wow. aren’t you so eloquent?

But it worked, kinda, they stopped sobbing. 

“Hey, it’s me. Please, please be okay.”

that voice. it’s so  
s o f t ,  
so precious to you.

why does it sound so sad? don’t be sad.

You want to reassure it, want to hold the person who the voice belongs to.

who does it belong to?

A face is struggling to come to mind. Dark hair? And pretty green eyes. Yes. That’s it. And that smile. Kind. 

“-ertl?”

“Yes, yes, it’s me.”

no, Bertl shouldn’t be sad. not your Bertl. 

Another thud, more whirring. 

“Annie! Annie, I know this is selfish—”

wait, Annie’s here, too? 

but

where  
where is here?

Voices, voices. And there’s that soft cadence. You missed it. Gruff response. 

Reiner?

why is  
why are they all here?

no, don’t worry about them. the only one you can worry about right now is the one holding you.

Sobbing from someone else. And another voice. Angry. Hurt. Yelling? 

You hear shifting, uncertainty. Fear. Acceptance and Determination. An arm slides under your knees and you’re up. Mmm. Warm.

❦

Wind. So much wind. Enough that you can’t rest anymore if you ever were to begin with.

It stops. You hear tired breathing. 

“I can’t crash through the windows like this. I need one of you to go through first.”

“We’re almost there, just keep going! There are titans on our tail besides!”

“No, Reiner. You go first. We’ll be right behind you.”

Gas. Release. Whirring.

**_C R A S H !_ **

It’s a rough landing, and you feel yourself tumble away from the warmth.

It’s enough to shake you out of it. 

“Nnngh,” you release a heavy breath as you try to push yourself up. Your arms feel weak (shit when do they not?) and soon enough there are arms around you pulling you up.

“Are you okay?” 

“Nnie?” You turn to the asker. You try to open your eyes, but the right one is covered in so much blood you can’t. “What—what happened?”

“Someone! Is there water in here? And a med kit?!” You sit down, this time of your own volition.

Annie steps away as Bertolt takes a wet cloth and starts trying to clean your face. You can’t look away from him, his face etched with worry. 

“‘M sorry,” you mutter, your left hand lifting to pet his cheek.

“You’re here. You’re alive. That’s all that matters.”

You let him clean you and you take in the room. Windows shattered, glass everywhere. Desks, and a surprising(?) amount of blood. Scared faces. A lot of scared faces. You can see Jean and Connie. Where… Where is everyone else?

_move_

A loud whistling is heard from outside, getting louder.

“HIT THE DECK!”

Bertolt covers you with his body as the far wall is taken out. Looking past him, you see one of their stupid fucking faces. Motherfuckers must have headbutt the wall to get at the people inside. Everyone panics. Reiner tries to pull Bertolt towards the hall, but he refuses to leave without you. You’re struggling to get up and have to use the wall to support yourself. He leans down to grab clean wrap, and you look in the direction of the hole again.

Jean. He isn’t moving.

You reach past Bertolt to get to him, but stop when you saw a giant fist connecting with the titan’s cheek. 

“WHAT?!” 

There’s a loud crash heard outside, and the ground rumbles a bit. Shortly after, another window breaks with the arrival of Mikasa, Connie, and Armin. 

Jean begins to fuss over Mikasa as Connie thanks his lucky stars that he had enough gas to make it back. He shifts his attention to Armin, noting his genius.

“Guys, we should get moving,” you hedge. 

At the sound of your voice, Armin gets up and rushes over to you, ignoring the pain he was feeling. 

“You’re okay!” He envelops you in a tight hug before continuing, “I saw you go down trying to get to Mina—I thought for sure you were dead! I found you barely breathing and Connie helped bring you to a rooftop.”

“O-oh. I … Thank you. I don’t really remember what happened after I was thrown to the ground, but thanks for not giving up on me.” 

You two look up, only to see everyone staring at Jean and Connie.

“—This big, beautiful S.O.B.’s our ticket outta here!”

“I’m sorry- WHAT?” You turn to Armin, hoping he could make more sense.

“We found an abnormal that likes fighting its own kind. He doesn’t really care about us,” he tells you before assessing the cut on your forehead. “Good job cleaning this up. I can take care of it from here, if you’d like?”

Bertolt sighs and hands over the wrap. You take his hand in yours and let yourself focus on the moment. 

Once finished, you all make your way downstairs.

❦

Jean manages to find neglected MP shotguns, and Armin starts talking strategy.

The plan is to load up everyone who could fit and who isn’t adept with their paring blades onto the lift. Seven soldiers would then jump from the rafters and slice the napes of the seven titans that wait down below. As much as you want to be one of the slicers, both Armin and Bertolt give you a firm and resounding “NO.” It's fine, really, since there are still seven of the top ten among you. 

You feel shivering from the soldiers surrounding you as the titans come closer. You steady the gun and wait for Marco to give the signal.

You recognize the titan coming closer to you. It’s the one that killed Mina. Its face is set to look like perpetual disappointment, and you can’t wait to bring its end.

“Almost.”

Finger on the trigger. Target in place.

“FIRE!”

The sounds of all the guns firing is overpowering, and the flashes hurt your eyes, but you carry through nonetheless. In the seconds following the attack, you hear the running of your fellow soldiers on the beams and the slicing as their blades hit their targets. Around you, the titans fall. But not the two in front of you.

“How are you guys?” you hear Mikasa ask. 

Sasha and Connie missed. Before waiting for someone to say something, you leap from the lift with your gun and land between them. Turning around, you see that their cuts sliced their shoulders and missed the nape completely.

“Sasha and Connie missed!” You hear Bertolt call out. 

The titan that killed Mina turns around, eyes focused on Sasha. In a panic, you push her out of the way and aim your gun. Well, shit. Might as well be you to die for this stupid move, but not before you fucking try. 

“Lead ‘em the hell back!” 

The titan stares at you, ready and right in front of its hand, and instead turns for Sasha. She shrieks out an apology to the titan, and you fire at its eye at the same time Mikasa sliced its neck. The other titan fell, too, and you turn to see Connie thanking Annie. 

What the hell was that?

❦

With all the titans dead, the remaining soldiers in HQ refill their gear. Despite hardly using any gas, you still make sure you have a full tank should any more shit happen. Because that’s just your luck with this fucking day.

Bertolt joins you and you enjoy the little moment of peace.

“Are you okay?”

“Physically? Or mentally?” You chuckle at his answer.

“Both, I guess?”

“Physically I’m fine. Mentally? I almost lost you twice today.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” you mumble as you wrap your arms around his torso and lay your head on his chest. The steady thumping of his heart calm your nerves.

“You got really lucky.”

“Yeah, I did. I mean, did you see the way that titan ignored me? I don’t ever remember hearing about that happening. Since when do they stick to only one target instead of the easy one?” you muse. “In all honesty, I’m surprised I’m alive. When I went down, there were so many titans around us. It was like an ambush. But I’m still here? Why didn’t they eat me?” 

“I… I’m not sure,” is all Bertolt can say. “But let’s stop worrying about that. What matters is that you’re here, right?”

You shrug, survivor’s guilt starting to get to you. 

After a moment, he is able to see your train of thought. Wanting to snap you out of it, he proposes something.

“I want to show you something, but it’s something that’s a memory for me. Do you think you could try?”

You pull back, confused by his question. “You… want me to pull forth a specific memory?” He nods before bringing your lips to his.

It is a tender kiss, filled with sweet nothings that went unsaid. Wanting to try for him, you open yourself up to it.

_You two were sitting in a field—the same one you fought Annie all those years ago. Reiner and she were fighting, but you opted to ignore that, in favor of watching the two of you. You were leaning against Bertolt, who had the biggest blush on his cheeks. He listened to you talk—about what, you can’t remember anymore—and he watched you as you stopped. You could almost see the spark that caused you to leave, but before you did, you leaned down and gave him a kiss on his head._

He looks down at your wide eyes with adoration before you ask, “Was that it?” His easy smile provides you with the answer.

❦

Ready to travel to the inner wall, everyone makes their way to the balcony. You are curious as to why Mikasa and Armin are gazing at the square, but you soon see what they are looking at.

The abnormal that had been fighting his own kind and buying time for you was being eaten. 

Reiner and Jean are going back and forth as to the benefits of potentially having that titan work _with_ humans but you are distracted by the arrival of another fifteen-meter.

“A-Armin,” you ask, raising a shaking finger, “isn’t that the one—?”

“That’s the one that ate Thomas,” he confirms. 

Almost as if it hears the two of you, the abnormal lunges forward, ignoring the titans holding onto it. Its run is jagged and sloppy, but it grabs the attention of the blonde titan before latching its teeth to the other’s neck. 

All of you watch with morbid curiosity as it continues to fight, even without arms. It drops the titan from its jaws before letting out a scream and dropping to the ground. 

“Alright! Enough of this! Let’s leave while we can,” Jean instructs, and you turn to follow, eager to get the fuck out of this goddamned city. When no one else followed, you both turn back.

“Guys—”

Jean rejoins everyone, and when he doesn’t come back, you step forward. Down there, where the titan was starting to decompose, is Eren.

❦

You all took it upon yourselves to get Eren over the wall together. Unfortunately, as the lift descended, you were met with rifles pointed at you all. Captain Woerman dismissed everyone but Mikasa, Armin, and Eren, but did so with a gag order not to speak of what you had seen earlier.

Bertolt checks your bandage, but other than quietly fussing over you, nothing is said. 

Something floods over you, pulling you to your feet. You give Bertolt an uneasy glance before saying, “I have to go.” 

You take off towards the wall, turning down alleys until military presence is sparse. You trigger your ODM gear and start to make your way up the Wall.

Once at the top, you are greeted with a familiar face.

“Kid! What are you doing up here?”

“Hannes! I, um, I’m waiting for Pixis,” you lie. He knows it but brings you in for a tight embrace.

“I thought you were dead, kid. I’m glad I was wrong.”

You walk the length of the wall with him, keeping an eye on the chaos in Trost. Curiosity gets the better of you and you decided to see the other side of the wall. 

The sight before you makes you ill, and Woerman lowers his arm to signal the cannon fire.

_Those dreams. They aren’t dreams. They’re the future._


	9. Struggle for Trost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ i will no longer _   
>  _ compare my path to others. _
> 
> Rupi Kaur, "i refuse to do a disservice to my life"

What—what are you looking at? From your vantage point, there are thick clouds of steam and smoke, but you swear that there is a massive figure with its arm extended towards the blast.

But where are your friends? Where the fuck did that thing come from? 

WHAT THE HELL?

You are certain that Woerman will start another attack with how piss-scared of everything he is, but _what happened to your friends?_ Where are they?! 

Barely two minutes have passed before you hear the hard clang of equipment hitting the ground. 

“HALT, HALT!” Woerman holds his hands up and all his soldiers train their weapons on a new figure emerging from the smoke.

“Armin? No, Armin, what are you doing?” you whisper, worried as he's become Woerman’s prime target.

“IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR TRUE FORM, MONSTER? I DON’T BUY IT. I’LL GIVE THE SIGNAL TO FIRE—I MEAN IT!”

“Eren is not a foe to humanity!”

WAIT—

That _thing_ , that titan from earlier

is Eren?

What the fuck?!?!

He had appeared from the nape of its neck earlier, so does that mean that when we learned of their weak spot, that… Were titans once human? If… if Eren could control his titan, as Armin suggests, does that mean that there are… others? Other people who can do the same? What about—

Is the Colossal Titan someone intent on wiping out humanity?

The thought alone brings a wave of nausea over you that you are unable to contain.

❦

Pixis’ arrival can't have come at a better time, having literally stopped Woerman from giving the signal to murder your friends. The ol’ man summons the three of them to the top of the wall to talk away from trigger-happy soldiers. Not even surprised by your presence, he encourages you to join as a character witness of sorts. Eren explains everything he could, with Armin and Mikasa supplying information during lulls.

You watch as he strolls a small section of wall, looking down at Trost and taking a swig (or three) from his flask.

“Nope. Not any of you. Eaten by a titan wouldn’t be so bad—not if it were a sexy lady one.”

You internally cringe with embarrassment at his comment—the man's like a grandfather to you for fuck’s sake!

“You’re cadet Armin Arlert, is that correct?” Pixis glances towards you and you give a small nod confirming that this is the same cadet you brought before him a year prior. “You mentioned a plan to harness this so-called ‘Titan-ability’ and then utilize your friend’s power to retake the city. Do you believe it could work? Or were you grasping at straws to try and save your hides?”

“Uh, well… Both, Commander,” Armin states after a second’s contemplation. He proceeds to explain the plan that had first popped into his head. “I-I just wanted to make everyone see how Eren’s ability might provide a solution to the problem we all face.”

“Sir, if I may?” Pixis glances at you and gives a small nod for you to continue before turning to face the destroyed city again. “Armin’s plan is the best we have to address this problem. Despite any doubts he may have, his plans have always proved to be strategically sound. I trust him with my life, and I trust that this _is_ the best way forward.”

Armin gasped at that, but Eren and Mikasa offer words of agreement. He tries to discount your sentiment by adding, “Granted, I was pretty desperate to survive.”

“Desperate to survive, huh? That’s as credible a reason as any, son,” he pauses before turning around and meeting you all again. “What do you say, Yeager? That hole—do you think you could plug it?”

“I don’t know… It’s possible, but at the moment, I don’t understand my power any more than you do… It’s just… irresponsible to give you an answer when I really don’t know, sir.”

“Ah, of course. I asked the wrong question: Would you be willing to? Or not?” Pixis shifts his attention from Eren to the land behind him, and Eren follows the line of sight.

“I’ll do it,” Eren barely whispers. “I’ll do it! I don’t know if I can seal the hole, but I’ll do it.”

Pixis smiles, proud of Eren’s conviction, of his loyalty. “Excellently said. You have the heart of a lion,” he compliments, patting Eren’s shoulders. He rises and steps forward to the edge. “Staff officers, hup! We have a plan to flesh out!”

❦

The plan was set—Eren and the Elite Squad would travel to the boulder. They would act as guards, protecting him from any abnormals that may arise. The bulk of the soldiers would gather on top of the wall where the boundary for Trost and Wall Rose meet to draw forth the majority of the titans. There would be small teams sent out to lure any wandering titans and dispatch those acting up if need be. Once the boulder was placed, the titans would be summarily cut down.

You watch as soldiers hang from their ODM gear on the side of the wall, titans ranging from four to fifteen meters push each other and reach for them all with greedy hands. You notice green smoke in the distance, signaling the elites were in position. 

“Do you think this will work?” you hear Armin ask you.

“I-I’m not sure. But I have faith in your plan, and if I know one thing about Eren, it’s that he refuses to give up. This is honestly our last best hope.”

A lightning bolt, similar to that you saw earlier, hits the ground near the location of the boulder. You can only assume that it must have been Eren transforming.

If that’s the case, if that bolt is what signaled someone becoming titan, then the Colossal Titan was surely a shifter like Eren. But that’s a big if. Maybe you’ll discuss it more later when the Scouts return. Shit. If only they had been here, the casualties wouldn’t have been this bad. You wondered whether someone had been sent to inform them, if they were returning to Trost to help or proceeding with their planned expedition.

A violent scream pulls you back from your thoughts. Two minutes later, red smoke. 

“Armin! What—?”

“Something went wrong. Do you think it was Eren?!”

“I don’t know what else it could be,” you murmur before looking in Armin’s direction. He's setting down the gas canisters he had been holding and before running off.

“Whoa, Armin! Where are you going?!” Marco calls after him. You exchange a quick look with him before joining Armin.

Armin keeps running, getting closer to the elite team’s position. 

“Armin, what are you doing?!”

“This whole thing was my plan—if they’re in trouble because of me…” he shoots you a worried glance before preparing to leap.

“We’ll figure this out. C’mon. Whatever’s going on, I’ve got your back.”

With that, you two descend towards the pillar of smoke nearest the boulder. As you near, you take count of titans meandering through the streets, following members of the elite squad. One shifts its attention to you and Armin, and while Armin is able to dodge, you push yourself forward. The titan turns to follow Armin, exposing his neck for you. You ready your blades and slice through his big fat neck resulting in your first kill. You allow a moment of satisfaction before looking for Armin in the chaos.

Surveying the rooftops, you count two, four, eight titans all wandering from the decoy group towards your current location. Shit.

“ARMIN, WHERE ARE YOU?!”

“DOWN HERE!”

Your eyes follow the sound of his voice to a slumped over Eren titan. You make your way to him, listening as he interrogated Mikasa about Eren’s condition. Landing behind him, you watch as Armin dug his hooks into Eren’s flesh. 

“When Eren first emerged from this form, it was from the weak spot! I don’t know, but something tells me that’s a big part of the picture! How these damned things work! It’ll be alright, as long as I don’t hit the center,” you watch in horror as Armin pulls his blade to slice into Eren’s skin. 

“NO!”

As it punctures the husk, Eren’s titan screamed and thrashed in pain. Armin barely holds on while you are knocked back. Your gear catches onto the boulder and you pull yourself back up. The titan simmers down, and Armin starts trying to reach Eren.

“Eren! Can you hear me?! You’ve got to pull it together! If you stay like this, we’re all going to die!” 

His desperate pleas hit you to the core, and you feel as frustrated tears fell from your eyes. Goddammit, this was it. Humanity can’t push further in—it was bad enough when Wall Maria citizens had to move into Wall Rose territory. Wall Sina has even less land and resources. If you can’t stop this now, if you all can’t win this fight, it’s the end of you all. And here you are, some fucking girl with a power that you can’t even really control and a throbbing headache.

Armin’s breaths are heavy with exhaustion before he whips his head back to you, eyes bordering frenzy.

“I think—I think I have an idea!”

You vault forward, landing next to Armin on Eren’s back. Fuck, it’s hot. Repositioning your ODM hooks, you mimic Armin’s hold.

“What do you need?”

“I think—and I’m not even sure if this will work—but I think if you can make him remember, you can pull him out of this,” he proposes, eyes intent. “I know it’s asking a lot, but do you think you can?”

“Fuck if I know, but we need to do something or we’re all doomed,” you exhale, doubt evident on your face. You close your eyes in concentration and lay both palms on his neck.

Think. Think! Goddammit, what would make him respond? It hit you like a flash, and it's easier than you expected.

_Eren ran up the street to his house, Mikasa in tow. Debris was everywhere, and all he wanted was his mom’s safety. Devastation ran through him when his eyes saw the boulder that crushed his house. He pushed himself further, faster, and he saw her, crushed under the weight of their house. He and Mikasa tried fruitlessly to pull her from under it all, and it was clear she was pleading with them. The ground shook. Looking up, everyone’s expressions turned frantic as a large titan with blonde hair and an eerie smile came forth. Hannes showed up, offered them a confident smile and ran forth. Not even a minute later, he came running back, grabbing Mikasa and Eren and running back. Eren reached for his mom, watching helplessly as the titan grabbed hold of Mrs. Yeager and snapped her spine._

Good. The first one’s done—now something more recent.

_His hand came down and the cannon blasted towards the trio. Eren grabbed Mikasa and ran to Armin. Once both were in his grasp, he brought his hand to his mouth and transformed into a titan-shield._

_On top of the wall, the four of you stood with Pixis overhead. Pixis leaned down, meeting Eren’s eyes, and asked him the question that was still fresh in your mind. Eren paused, before determination overcame him—_

A jolt brings you back to the present and you hear as Armin falters in the speech he had been giving Eren while you worked. His deep growl shakes you both as the steam being released from his flesh increases in volume. 

“Armin! I think he’s back!” you shout, releasing your gear so you can get off. He joins you and you both watch in amazement as Eren-titan stands. “We need to get off the ground.”

Armin nods once and you two swing to one of the nearby rooftops. You two meet Mikasa, and Squad Leader Ian orders everyone to defend Eren to the last man as the titan carried the large boulder on his shoulder. He then turns to Armin and Mikasa, telling them to stay with Eren. Turning to you, he says, “I don’t know what you did, but watch their backs!”

“Sir!” 

As he turns to continue the mission, you are all met with five titans heading your way. Team Mitabi are in pursuit on the ground below. Not waiting for more direction, you surge forward to take down the first one. 

It doesn’t even acknowledge your presence—not when you latch on to its forehead, not when you use your momentum to swing yourself to its nape, and not when you slice through the flesh. 

Down below, Mitabi and his team are working to get the remaining titans to focus on them instead. Two turn, following as the soldiers run in the opposite direction of Eren. 

“Guys! We have a job to do!” you remind Armin and Mikasa, dazed by the guts of Team Mitabi. Ian responds to something Armin said before leaping off the building and leading his own team away. 

Mikasa and Armin land shortly in front of Eren, and you keep yourself to the rooftops to watch for any other outliers. You hear the screams from the elites as the titans catch them, but you push on. Your job isn’t to save them, but to support Mikasa and Armin as they help keep Eren focused. 

“THERE’S STILL ONE AHEAD OF US!” 

“I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT!” Mikasa sprints forth, ready to leverage herself up and behind. The titan reaches for them and you start to pull yourself to them.

“OUT OF THE WAY!” Looking to the right, you see Rico come flying down, landing on its shoulder, and violently gouge its left eye from its face before swinging away. Mikasa then triggers her gear and uses the momentum to slide behind the damn thing before leaping forth to cut its neck. 

Taking your eyes off of Mikasa, you all watch in awe as Eren-titan shifted the boulder and it meets the wall. A shot is fired behind you, and looking up, you see the yellow smoke revealing mission accomplished.

❦

You can hear the whirring of gear as soldiers make their way to ensure your guys’ safety. Armin and Mikasa focus on retrieving Eren from the husk. You shift back to note the titans’ approach. Swinging back to Rico, the highest-ranking soldier here, you ask for her plan.

“It seems as though Armin and Mikasa are having difficulty retrieving Eren, so I’ll join them to make this happen. I want you to work with the other soldiers on distracting and killing any approaching titans. Understood?”

“Sir!”

You both trigger your gear and take off in opposite directions. You come across Jean’s team, and coordinate with them for the best way to achieve your goal. After eliminating two more titans, you hear a scream from Mikasa. Turning your head in their direction, two titans reach for what you know to be your friends. You start running back towards them to Jean’s displeasure, only to stop as you see a figure fly forward from seemingly out of nowhere and take both titans down in seconds.

❦

The extraction of cadets goes by easier with the arrival of the Scout Regiment. They coordinated efforts with the Garrison to eliminate the remaining titans, allowing for the official tally of survivors to begin. Back at the top of the wall, you make your way to Commander Smith.

“Ah, Cadet. It’s good to see that you’ve survived,” he greets. 

“Thank you, sir.”

“They say that you aren’t a real Scout until you make it back from your first mission,” he remarks with a wry smile. “I guess that makes you a real Scout.”

You are taken aback by his statement, though you ultimately decide not to comment on it. You know the truth—you are only alive because of a series of flukes. It is a wonder that you survived that fall and that Armin came across you. And then you pulled that stupid fucking stunt, jumping out of the lift to try to save Sasha when you didn’t even have the proper tools to kill that titan. You shouldn’t be alive, but you are.

“It’s beneficial that you were there today. Would you be able to tell me what happened?”


	10. Eve of the Counterattack Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ All this time   
>  fighting   
>  to prove you're   
>  enough, _
> 
> _blind to already  
>  being  
> brilliantly  
> beyond it._
> 
> Tyler Knot Gregson, "The Never Was #23"

* * *

#### Two Days After the Victory at Trost

In the time since the attack, you had rarely strayed from Commander Erwin’s side. He used you as a constant source of reference for what happened while they were away. The moments you weren’t with him, you were accompanied by either of the Section Commanders, both immensely curious by your apparent ability.

Your only moments of solace were when you went to clean yourself up before going to bed, not that you slept. How could you? After the first night, putting on your uniform felt foreign. Looking in the mirror, you didn’t recognize yourself. You were frustrated, angry, disappointed, all pointed inwards. All at your inability to do more, to have actually saved people. Without thinking about it, you took scissors to your hair and cut it short. No one had commented on the change, although Captain Levi gave you a single raised eyebrow and a ‘tch’ before he continued drinking his morning tea.

This particular morning, you are being wheeled away by Hange to the courtyard in HQ. They are eager to have you present during the “naming ceremony” of the two captured titans. They excitedly tell you of past experiments and what they had managed to learn, but didn’t really outline what their current objectives with the new subjects are.

Entering the courtyard, you come across dozens of Garrison members surrounding the perimeter. In the center are two titans—one four-meter, sitting up, and one seven-meter laying down—both held in place by thick cables wrapping around their necks and joints. Large nails are used to keep extremities in place. Hange eagerly marches up to them, gently teasing them and talking to them as though they were misbehaved children. The seven-meter titan opens its mouth in desire to eat, and XO Moblit shouts a warning to his leader. 

You watch as the seven meter’s eyes follow Hange, and the four-meter keeps shifting its eyes to each person to their right. Hange moved on to greet the smaller of the two, and you step forward to assess the one they just finished. It… didn’t react. At all.

Hange watched on with great interest before grabbing you and placing you directly in front of the smaller titan. 

Nothing.

They push you closer until you are only centimeters away, and all that happens is an exhale as it had been doing. 

“Fascinating!” is all they remarked, though their eyes are alight with frightening intensity. You are vaguely aware of Moblit furiously scribbling in his journal before you step back. 

Hange turns back to the titans just before the seven-meter tries lunging forward to snap at them. They laugh it off as Moblit expresses frustration with their antics.

Hange adjusts their glasses to the top of their head before they start pacing before the titans. They launch into a story about a cannibalistic tribe of humans that attacked travelers and would prepare various dishes from their flesh. 

At this point, you backed yourself up until you were near the Garrison soldiers remarking that their naming conventions were remarkably odd. You can’t argue with them upon hearing the previous titans’ names. Finally, Hange settles on the names of Sawney, for the smaller of the two, and Beane, for the larger. 

Hange starts directing the soldiers for their next experiment, and at that point, you hear Section Commander Mike call for you. You flash Hange an apologetic smile before rushing to the more normal of the two, glad to be away from the titans.

Normal being relative. When you meet him for the second time, he comes up to you and sniffs you before smiling to himself. He doesn’t find it necessary to fill the void with useless chatter, a trait you appreciate. 

He leads you down the corridor, towards Commander Erwin’s temporary office. 

“Sir?” Giving you no more than a sideways glance, you continue. “Do you know why Commander Erwin is keeping me so close? I mean, there must be other capable soldiers, and wouldn’t it be beneficial for me to train with them?”

Letting a long sigh out through his nose, he stops the two of you. 

“To be honest, I don’t know. I’m not certain of his motivations, and, even after having worked beside him for as long as I have, the man is still a mystery to me at times. Whatever his reason is, though, you just have to trust it.”

You nod, not quite satisfied. Reaching the doors, Mike opens them for you. The Commander provides a simple thank you before Mike left.

You two take each other in until a dissatisfied “tch” pulls your attention away.

“I have the beginnings of a plan to bring Eren Yeager into Survey Corps custody, and part of that plan hinges on you.”

“M-me, sir?”

“Yes. You’ve shared a lot about your… _gift_ , saying that you believe you are now able to recall memories without needing your subject to be in a heightened emotional state. Do you still believe this to be true?”

You digest his question. It is true that you were able to somewhat control which memories you saw, but both situations that you were recently in were already stressful enough. You aren’t entirely sure if it still applied. If you _can_ end up using this ability without the need for emotions, it could just be that high emotions are a catalyst… That with increased emotional response, the barriers in the mind are already let down, making them prone to what you are doing. Would you be able to use it if those barriers were up?

“I… Possibly. Those two instances from the other day were in highly stressful situations, but I suppose it is possible.”

“How would we test that possibility?”

“Uhm. Well, I could try to access a memory when someone is calm… It may be that the other person’s emotional state simply reveals the status of any kind of mental barrier, if that makes sense? So to try using it on someone who is calm, those barriers would be up, right?”

“I see,” he chews on your hypothesis. 

Levi eyes him as though he's trying to read Commander Erwin’s thoughts.

“Try it on me.”

“Sir?! I couldn’t possibly—there could be someone else, anyone else—”

“I trust you. I want you to try to see what drives me. The memory of a single question.”

Levi steps in. “Sir. Don’t you think that’s a little risky? Opening yourself up to her?”

The Commander shoots him a glance, which keeps Levi from speaking further, despite his apprehension.

Sighing, you move closer. “If you’re sure, I can try.”

A small smile plays on his lips. “Alright. What do you need from me?”

“Skin to skin contact. Just—just a hand will do.” You reach your right arm forward, leaving your palm facing up on the desk. Fitting his hand in yours, you close your eyes and concentrate.

_There was a classroom full of students, a map of the Walls covering the chalkboard. The teacher—tall, blonde, glasses…—stood in front of the class, lecturing. In the middle of his speech, a small blonde boy raised his hand and stood up. The boy asked a question, something you still couldn’t hear, but you felt his burning curiosity and his resounding disappointment at what appeared to be a dissatisfactory answer._

You pulled your hand away, surprised that you had done it, but caught trying to identify the man, the teacher. You knew him from somewhere… but you couldn’t put your finger on where. You looked up at Commander Erwin, so many emotions burning under his gaze. Excitement. Satisfaction. Loss.

“S-sir?” you say, barely more than a whisper, believing yourself to have failed in the task since you couldn’t hear it, you didn’t know the answer to his question.

“Amazing,” he responds, more to himself than to you. “Do you know?” 

“Know? Oh. Um. No. Not really. I can’t really hear what happens, but I feel what they feel.”

“Huh. What did you feel, then?”

“Curiosity? It was like a switch went off in your head and you just had to know the answer. And then you were disappointed with whatever the teacher said… Uh, sir? Who—who was that man?”

“Fascinating,” he whispers, not yet acknowledging your question. It unnerves you a little how much you felt like _you_ are under observation that day. First Hange, now the Commander. “That man was my father.”

❦

The Commander informs you that he is working on speaking with Eren, who is firmly within Military Police custody. You need to find out Eren’s motivations—if your hypothesis about intelligent titans is correct, you need to find out whether Eren is on the side of humanity or the side of the titans. That’s where you would come in. You would assess his emotional state during the memories of Shiganshina and of Trost. Following that, Eren would be given the opportunity to present his case and you would move on from there.

It fills you with unease how much of Erwin’s plan isn’t formulated, but he explains it away by suggesting that the entirety of scout survival is reconnaissance. What more can you do, but trust him?

After hours of debating, Commander Dok finally relents and grants Erwin, Levi, and yourself access to the dungeons currently holding Eren prisoner.

❦

You stand next to Levi, behind Commander Erwin, while you wait for Eren to stir from his slumber. He jolts upwards, eyes struggling to focus on the figures outside his cell. 

“Any questions?”

“I, uh… Where… where am I?”

“I think it’s obvious. Let’s just call it a dungeon. You’re currently in the custody of the Military Police. We were granted permission to see you only just now.”

Eren shifts, the chains attached to his wrists clinking together. His eyes snap forward as Commander Erwin pulls out a key that had previously been around Eren’s neck. Questioning him on it only proved to reveal that Eren didn’t know what the significance of the key was—just that there was a secret Dr. Yeager kept in their basement. The Commander glances back to you before Levi speaks up.

“Must suck having your dad and your memory M.I.A. at the same time. Unless of course, that’s just a cover story?”

“Enough. We’ve been over this already. We know he has no reason to lie.” 

At that, you step forward, ready to do what was needed of you.

“I’m sure you’re aware of Cadet [Y/N]. She’s a member of the Survey Corps here to help clear things up. She just needs one thing from you, Eren.”

Teal eyes flash to you, suddenly wary of your presence.

“It’s okay, Eren. I just need to touch your hand,” you state, walking closer.

_Danger_

Before you can get any closer, the MPs stationed outside his cell cross their rifles, blocking access to him.

“That’s not allowed, soldier,” they glare at the Commander. 

Not moving from where you stood, you turn your head to ask your Commander your next step. He shakes his head, signaling for you to stand down. You step back, resuming your position next to Levi.

Relief washes over you for some reason, and you feel safer next to the captain. The guards put their rifles back to their sides while Commander Erwin carries on. 

“That was disappointing,” you hear Levi whisper to you, keeping his eyes forward.

“If that’s what you want to call it,” you respond.

He regards you silently before you both turn your attention back to the conversation ahead.

“Any way you slice it, a titan is deciding our future. It’s been conjectured that the Colossal and the Armored Titan are more or less the same as you. It’s why I ask your intentions.”

The three of you watch on as Eren considers this new information. 

“C’mon. It’s an easy question. So answer it,” Levi presses, impatience rolling off his tongue.

At this point, Eren had begun breathing heavily before shifting his head upwards and telling you all that he wants nothing more than to join the regiment and slaughter each titan he comes across. Levi’s energy shifts from mild annoyance to obscure excitement. 

He pushes himself off the wall he was leaning on, and you and Commander Erwin watch as he approaches the cell, the MPs giving him no more trouble than dirty glances. “All right then. I’ll take responsibility for him."


	11. Annie Pt. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It's over, she said._
> 
> _It was many years later when the quiet realization dawned on her._
> 
> _**It's over,** her heart whispered._
> 
> Lang Leav, "Over"

* * *

#### One Day Later - Annie

She awoke in Garrison HQ, still exhausted from the shit show that was Trost. Bertolt, the asshole, was supposed to kick in the gate, get rid of the cannons, and meet back up with them. They were to wait until the titans started getting closer to the inner gate before Reiner would transform and take out the gate to Wall Rose. Just like Shiganshina.

And then Eren happened. **Fucking Eren.**

He was alright, she supposed. Too eager, too stubborn, too stupid. But he appealed to a part of her that wanted to do better, to be better. That, and she needed a distraction from ~~you~~.

But then it turned out _he’s_ the Attack Titan? What the fuck? All that hard work, that plotting, for nothing. What they were looking for was right next to them this whole time.

The shock on Armin and Mikasa’s faces though… She doubted they knew what was going on, what this meant. 

She had been ruminating on this for too long, giving it too much attention. If she thought about ~~you~~ , she’d start panicking.

That autumn, she had to leave you. You were getting too close, your power was such a mystery. You were _so **close**_ to finding her out. She couldn’t let that happen.

But that decision? To leave? It haunted her. ~~She missed you~~. She had to move on. It’s been two years. You two had beyond minimal interactions. She had to move on.

At first, Bertolt was kind enough to keep that shit toned down. He didn’t talk to her about you, but then again, she went out of her way to avoid him. _If_ she needed to communicate with them, it was through Reiner. At least _he_ wasn’t kissing ~~you~~.

But now? Especially after everything that happened in Trost? It’s unbearable. 

They landed on that rooftop with everyone and there you were, small, sad, broken. Blood had covered your face, and you were barely breathing. Her heart had caught in her throat and it stung that Bertolt was the one to rush to you, to hold you. To worry over your life. Mission be damned, she needed you to be okay.

And when you spoke (if that’s what she wants to call it)? Relief flooded her entire being, all five feet of it.

It hurts. It really does. 

She hasn’t seen or heard from you since, but word is that you’re with the Scouts now. She assumes that Bertolt will at least join to keep an eye on you. ~~Hopefully that’s all he keeps on you~~. She’ll go to the MP, try to confirm that Eren is the only other one they need. And Reiner? Eh. Fuck ‘im. He’ll do what he’ll do. It bothers her how close he’s getting to the other cadets, especially his criticism when it came to ~~Marco~~ , but hey. Look at her. She can’t talk much, especially not where you’re concerned.

❦

She left to meet with Reiner and Bertolt, away from everyone else. She waited for them to arrive down the agreed-upon alley, and tensed each time she heard footsteps. Finally, they appear.

They look better rested than she; Reiner looks emotionally exhausted but otherwise rested, and Bertolt… Well, he never really had problems sleeping anyway. 

“So?” she prompted.

“So what?” Reiner bites back. Oof. Maybe she was wrong about how much sleep he received.

“What’s the plan now? We can’t keep adding people we have to bring back with us, can we?”

“First her, now Eren? We still don’t know if he has the Coordinate. Speaking of her, where is she?” she directed her frustration at Bertolt.

He shuffled his feet but maintained eye contact. “I-I’m not sure. I haven’t seen or heard from her since before Eren plugged the hole.”

“Watching her was _supposed to be_ your job.”

He sighed, trying hard to not let her get under his skin ~~(a thought that brought her some kind of sick pleasure)~~. “I know. But she made some kind of deal with Commander Erwin, so she’s probably with him right now.”

“WAIT. You’re telling me that the Oracle is currently in the hands of the man who is most likely to be successful in undoing our plans?!”

“I never got why they called them that,” Reiner butted in, scratching his forehead. “Listen. It’s fine. What harm can she do now? It’s not like she knows what we’re doing, and I doubt he even knows about it.”

“Oh. OH. You _doubt_ it, do you? Because when I kissed her, I saw me taking out members of the Scouts! What did you see, Bertolt?!”

He froze at her words. “You… you two kissed?”

Her anger stopped cold in her veins. “She didn’t tell you?”

“No. We… we don’t talk about you.”

She couldn’t tell if she liked that or not. Did you think she was unimportant, and that’s why you didn’t mention it? Or was it the opposite? A moment just between the two of you?

NOPE. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not going down that path. She already shut the door on that. Firmly. It is firmly shut.

“Oh, well good for you two. But that doesn’t answer my question, Bertolt.”

“Uh, I saw the future. I was arguing with Armin on a rooftop and she came in to break it up…”

“...And?”

“And it felt like she chose me. She kissed me, and that was the end of it.”

Okay now THAT felt like a punch to her gut. 

“Moving on, from whatever the hell that was,” Reiner cut in. “I heard that they’re having a trial for Eren. I assume the MPs want him dead, which is a big no-no for us, or the scouts want him, which we can use. If she did have some kind of deal with Erwin, then it’s the same deal. If the MPs get him, we’ll have to reveal ourselves and get him out. If the Scouts get him, well, then, we can join them and take them both when we’re out on an expedition. Even still, at least one of us should stay in the MPs to make sure they don’t have the Coordinate. Sounds good?”

“Whatever. We have a couple days to decide in any event,” she huffed, turning on her heel to get away from them both.


	12. Eve of the Counterattack Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ She turns her mind  
> to countless things,  
> then back again  
> where it begins.  
> _  
>  _This restless urge,  
>  and all it brings,  
> to be someone—  
> to do something._  
>    
> Michael Faudet, "Dreams"

* * *

#### 850 - Military Criminal Court

You honestly found this whole trial to be tedious. It’s clear that none of the merchants actually give a shit about the people or anything but their own fucking coin purses. The Military Police are acting like a bunch of fucking assholes (not that you expect anything different). Eren is stuck kneeling in front of Zackly while the rest of the court gawks at him like he was some kind of new animal. But, in all honesty, you aren’t sure what you were expecting.

Just as the merchants start up again, the short man next to you seemed to have enough.

“Squealing louder won’t help your case, pig.” You visibly have to hide your laugh with a cough, but he persists. “While we’re bolstering our defenses, do you think the titans are just going to stand idly by? And when you say ‘we can’t afford,’ do you speak for anyone other than your fat merchant friends? Do you pigs even realize that most of our people are struggling just to survive off of what little land we have left?”

You cough again as the merchant continues his pointless chatter. You eye the man to the left of you and find yourself considering him with newfound respect. Perhaps under that ~~jackass~~ hard exterior he actually does care about the people and humanity. You suppose it’s not that surprising, but his blunt words are like a breath of fresh air, especially in this shitty, cramped building. 

It isn’t until Commander Dok objects to Mikasa’s testimony that you start paying attention again. You aren’t surprised about his digging into the murder of Mikasa’s kidnappers—at the time, your dad had been trying to get the MPs to take the issue of human trafficking more seriously. It did, however, deeply upset you when the merchants and spectators start to insinuate that Mikasa herself is a titan, a danger, something to be put to the knife and examined. You aren’t alone with that—for the first time, Eren actually speaks when it was not his turn to do so.

** “NOW HOLD ON A SECOND! MAYBE I’M A MONSTER THAT YOU WANT DEAD, BUT YOU LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS!” **

After the merchants try to push back, he shouts at everyone to stop before the metal of the handcuffs clash against the metal of the stand keeping him in place. The commotion of the courtroom immediately dies down, and Eren takes that as a chance to speak up. Usually, you find his speeches to be too self-righteous, too emotional for your tastes, but now? You're thoroughly enjoying these powerful men with selfish interests cower at the one person tied up.

These men would never take a risk for anyone but themselves, they would never know what it is to act selflessly. You often found yourself wondering if it weren’t exactly the titans you should be afraid of, but people like them.

“You! You’re all cowards! Just shut up and put your faith in me!” 

In an instant, Levi hops over the barricade and walks over to Eren’s position. One of the MPs aims their rifle at Eren just as Levi lifts his foot and—

Is this what they had discussed? You turned to consider Commander Erwin, who had a straight face, devoid of an emotional response to the abuse taking place in front of you. They wanted this… They wanted Eren to get emotional so that Levi could prove he’d keep Eren in check. Did they—? No. They wouldn’t have told Eren. He’s a shit actor. 

Nonetheless, as Levi starts talking down to the Military Police, merchants, and religious zealots, you find yourself absolutely drawn to him. 

Immediately you chastise yourself, reminding yourself of Bertolt, someone you hadn’t seen in days. Instead, you’ve been by the Commander’s side. You aren’t even sure if he would join the regiment. Commander Erwin asked if you would be willing to stand on the stage with him to help motivate your class to join. You accepted, more because you wanted to see everyone before it was too late. 

“Sir. I have a proposition,” Commander Erwin raises his right arm, addressing Zackly directly. He details his proposition—Eren would work closely under Levi, join you all on the next expedition, and his success or failure would determine his ultimate sentence. Zackly dismisses them, and you join the Commander, Hange, Mike, and Levi in retrieving Eren. 

In a small little room with thick windows, exposed brick, a hard table, and an uncomfortable couch, you stand and wait for them to proceed. Hange takes to cleaning him up from Levi’s attack. In all honesty? He's looking surprisingly good. You weren’t expecting him to heal this quickly—given the strength behind Levi’s kicks, you expected Eren’s face to be swollen, bloody, and broken. 

Commander Erwin apologizes for not letting Eren know about the plan for Levi to use some force before extending his hand in gratitude and welcome. Levi, conversely, takes the opportunity to scare the poor kid, gingerly sitting on the couch next to him, arm stretched against the back and legs crossed wide enough to double the space taken. 

“So, Eren—you don’t resent me now, do you?”

* * *

#### 850 - Old Scout Headquarters

Commander Erwin had matters to attend to in Trost, so you were directed to report to Levi until further notice, which meaning you were to travel with them to the old scout headquarters.

You had met Levi Squad before Eren had a chance to, and unfortunately, you had to listen to Oruo’s speech about being a greenhorn. This time, however, you're enjoying Oruo trying to intimidate Eren, resulting only in him biting his tongue. You and Petra share a quiet laugh while Gunther and Eld largely ignore the interaction.

Upon arriving at the castle, the veterans are to stowing the horses while Levi is taking a lap around the property. Petra was fetching Oruo a wet towel after you gave him a quick inspection. While he is well-intentioned, you are itching to be alone for a minute. Taking in the castle, you quickly noted that it hadn’t been maintained in the time since the scouts last called this place base. Walking inside you are dismayed by the thick coat of dust and grime that coated everything. 

You pop your head outside, hoping to get one of their attention. “Hey, guys, do you know where I could find a broom or cleaning supplies or _anything_?”

Oruo and Petra stop bickering and looked in your direction. “Oh-ho-ho, the Captain is going to _love_ you. Watch out, Petra. Looks like you might have some competition as the Captain's favorite.”

You roll your eyes and Petra opts to ignore him, instead taking a moment to show you what you needed. You choose a cloth and a bucket of water before heading upstairs. It’s not necessarily that you want to clean ~~ok yes it is the entire inside was disgusting and you don’t want to be inside it longer than necessary~~ moreso than you just want some fucking peace. You figure no one would really want to clean, leaving you alone with your thoughts. 

You hadn’t known how much you liked your solitude until it had been completely stripped from you. You miss people with quiet energy that you don’t need to act around. And it isn’t like you don’t enjoy the company of your new team. You truly do. But they are all so eccentric and all over the place and you just want some time to recharge your batteries. And poor Eren. You can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like for him. Turns into a titan, nearly dies for it thrice, wakes up in an unfamiliar place with hostile guards, goes to trial where Captain Levi kicks the shit out of him… He’s here. Finally where he’s wanted to be after all these years, finally on the team he dreamt of, but they’re here to stand guard over him, murder him if necessary. When he looks your way, it is obvious he is hurting and confused. Wondering why you are here, what made you so special to warrant your presence with the Special Operations Squad and next to the Commander. Hell, oftentimes you found yourself wondering the same thing.

Too deep in your thoughts, you fail to notice the sound of someone coming up behind you.

“At least someone doesn’t need to be told what to do.”

You turn to see Levi regarding you with mild intrigue. “Sorry?”

“We’ll be spending the next several days cleaning the castle. I’m glad that you’ve gotten a head start, but we’ll see if you meet my standards.” With that, he turns on his heel and leaves you alone. 

What a peculiar man. The more time you spend in proximity with him, the more you find how you were simultaneously right and wrong about him in terms of your first impression. He has incredibly witty with dry humor that very much matches your own. He would, at times, make inflammatory remarks to spark certain reactions out of people, something that you begrudgingly admitted he excelled at. Regardless of that, you don’t mind him and find his presence to almost be… refreshing. Invigorating. Safe. 

❦

Several nights later, you are all exhausted from having spent nearly the entire day cleaning. Managing to come across the library before making your way down to the mess hall, you find an odd book detailing the history of various noble houses, and despite not giving two shits on the topic, something told you to take it with you.

The mess hall is empty and dark, save for the table with Levi Squad. On the table is a kettle full of black tea and a single cup and saucer left for you. They don’t discontinue their discussion, instead watching you and giving waves, smiles, and nods in acknowledgment of your presence. Instead of joining them—still needing time to yourself—you sit down at the table next to them and opened your book. 

They are discussing the upcoming mission, questioning why the Commander would okay the use of fresh recruits. You make quick eye contact with Levi, having actually been in on those deliberations, but say nothing. You don’t particularly like going about finding the leak this way, but you did have to admit that if you were to dive into everyone’s mind, it would probably take too long and too much out of you.

Still, it discomfits you to know that good soldiers are going to die to find the truth unnecessarily. 

You feel as the energy shifts and all attention moves to Eren.

Opening the book, you look at the index, looking… for what, you weren’t entirely sure, but—there. Verite, and just below it... Vertrauen. Just as you are about to turn to the necessary page, Eren says something that made you turn.

“Wish I could tell you, but the fact is my memory’s not clear.”

Levi regards you before speaking. “We may actually have a solution to that.”

Everyone stops staring at Eren and looks at their captain. You sigh, mentally taking note of the page before closing your book. Standing up, you pick your up chair and walk it over so you are next to Eren. It makes you deeply uncomfortable having the veteran’s eyes on you like this, but you are here for a reason, aren’t you?

With Levi providing no information, you hold out your hand. 

“So I’ve learned of a strange ability myself over the past couple years. Hardly anyone knows about it, and I would like to keep it that way. With the fact that Captain Levi trusts you, I am extending my trust. Please, keep this all to yourselves,” you say, carefully making eye contact with everyone at the table. You swear you see a flash of something like gratitude in Levi’s eyes, but you don’t consider it long.

“I can see people’s memories, kind of. It’s through touch, and after working on it, I can finally somewhat control it. Captain Levi helped me put together some big clues a couple of years ago, actually. It used to be when the person I touched was experiencing a strong emotion, I would accidentally be exposed to their memories,” you eye Levi carefully, not wanting to divulge anything of your glimpses into the future yet. “As it stands, I may be able to find what it is you’re missing.”

You turn to Eren. “I don’t want to violate your privacy, and nothing is more private than your mind, so if you don’t want me to do this, I won’t.”

He stares at you before turning to look at everyone else’s response. Everyone, excluding Levi, looked like he does—unsure of whether to believe you. “Captain Levi? Is this true?”

Levi sighs and rolls his eyes before confirming what you were saying. “Yes, it appears to be the case. She was successfully able to retrieve a specific memory from the Commander, along with what appears to be potential” ~~(don’tsayitdon’tsayitdon’tsayit)~~ “visions of the future.” ~~(dammit)~~.

You visibly wince in response, but when your little voice doesn’t perk up, you don’t worry too much. You can’t really, now that it's out there.

Before anyone can respond, someone rams into the locked door behind Levi. The exaggerated “OW!” tells you who it is, and Petra's kind enough to let Hange in. 

“I’m so sorry. Good evening, Team Levi! How is castle life treating everyone?”

“You’re too early,” Levi responds, keeping his gaze on you. 

They approach you and Eren, a wide smile set on their face. They take the time to explain to Eren exactly what it is that they do. They briefly mention you and your effect on titans—bringing another round of attention your way—before catapulting into what they hope Eren can help with.

“Captain? May I be excused?” 

Not caring what the response was, you pull your chair back to its place, grab the book, and leave before Hange starts getting too excited by their work. Shortly after, you hear the shuffles of the rest of the team and the loud chatter behind the double doors.

❦

The following morning, Petra barges into your room. She is a little surprised that you are already in the process of getting dressed for the day, but she dismisses it and delivers the news.

“I was told to notify you that Sawney and Beane were killed.”

* * *

#### Trost - Garrison HQ

All that is left of either of them are two steaming sets of bones with loose cables hanging where muscle used to be. Hange is understandably upset, and a mixture of soldiers and cadets look on.

What strikes you is that someone had killed these two. Not many would have had the access to know about them, and those that did firmly understood the importance that Sawney and Beane held to the survival of humanity. You sincerely doubt that someone wanted simple revenge for a loved one’s death, especially as Commander Erwin’s hands clamped down on your shoulders. 

He lowers himself so that his head is level with your own, and he quietly asks, “Who do you think the real enemy is here?”

Without thinking about it, you provide, “Whoever is working with the Colossal Titan, sir. Someone who does not want humanity to succeed.”

You are acutely aware of his eyes on you. He smiles to himself before going to attack another scout.

❦

Petra and you remain while the remainder of the team leaves for the castle. Later that evening, the cadets would be joining their regiments. While you had wanted to reconnect with Bertolt, the murders of Sawney and Beane demanded investigation. So you would wait.

Commander Erwin, Hange, and Mike are in meetings throughout the majority of the day, so you two actually have some time to get to know one another. It turns out that she, like you, is an only child. Her family is from the Calaneth District—the same that you would all be departing from in a month. Her parents love her deeply, wanting her to experience so much life. They worry endlessly about her being in the Survey Corps, but they were proud of her accomplishments. You really like her—kindness just pours out of her. 

“So, um, about what you were saying last night,” she hedges.

“Yes?”

“Is it true? Can you really… do all that?” 

“I can show you, if you want? It’s not all that pleasant, but it’s… useful. I actually used it to help get Eren back in control of his titan when he was down.”

“Wow. I don’t know what I’d do if I had a power like that… What’s it like?”

You ponder a moment before answering. “It’s overwhelming. The first time it happened was the last time I saw my dad alive. I didn’t know what was happening, and it scared me. It was… like someone burnt my forehead. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to really start making headway. Before that I was afraid to touch my… Bertolt. Now, I can actually hold him without being afraid.”

“That sounds… like a lot to deal with, honestly.”

You give a dramatic nod, causing you both to laugh. The door bursts open, and a scout comes in.

“The inspection is over. They’re gathering in the yard.”

You look at Petra and told her, “I need to go. I need to see him.”

“Your… Bertolt?” she gives you a coy smile. Heat rushes to your face as you leave.

❦

You find him sitting next to Reiner, Ymir, and Christa. As soon as you see him, you break into a sprint. Reiner nudges him after noticing you, and Bertolt stands just in time to catch you. The momentum of your run causes him to spin a little, but all you can focus on is him. You are back with him. You haven’t even let yourself consider that the battle to retake Trost might have resulted in his death, but now you can’t help but feel relief at his presence. He holds you to him and you take in the subtle scent of sequoia before starting a barrage of kisses.

“Oh, fuck, I missed you. I’m so glad you’re alive!” you murmur in between kisses. You just need to be close to him, even if it is just for a little bit.

He smiles, letting you down while keeping his arms around you.

You can almost hear Ymir gag at the level of affection being given and she drags Christa towards where Annie, Armin, Sasha, and Connie stood. Reiner, on the other hand, is overjoyed to see you again. You have a feeling that had Bertolt not kept such a tight grip on you, Reiner would have crushed you in a hug himself. 

“Hey, it’s good to see you, too. So it looks like the rumors are true—you’re a scout now!”

“Yeah. After Trost, I met up with the Commander and have pretty much been by his side since then,” you rub the back of your neck, feeling a little guilty that you haven’t the opportunity to contact either of them to let them know you were okay. You miss the way their smiles drop as they made eye contact.

“Oh, really?” Reiner asks, trying to feign the same level of excitement as before. “What’s he like?”

“Uh, really professional. He’s excited to have new recruits coming in, to be honest. He has a really sharp and strategic mind. I’m really looking forward to working with him more.” You feel that little nag in the back of your mind, but you ignore it in favor of sharing this with them. You missed feeling wanted as a friend instead of being ogled at like a new toy. “Section Commander Hange is really something else, though. Their excitement over being able to study titans is unparalleled. It sucks about Sawney and Beane.”

“Sawney and who?”

“Oh, that’s what Hange called the two titans we had locked up. They were really valuable, y’know? But what have they been having you guys do?”

“Clean up and recovery, mostly. It was really hard, but we had to do it so that an epidemic didn’t break out,” Bertolt answers grimly. 

“CADETS! FALL IN! HEAD OVER TO THE PLATFORM!”

“Ah, it sounds like it’s my time to head out,” you reach up in an attempt to kiss Bertolt’s cheek. 

“Wait—where are you going?”

“I’ll be helping with Commander Erwin’s recruitment. Nothing too big. We’ll be staying here overnight, so I’ll see you later, yeah?”

He leans down to give you a proper kiss before you take off.

❦

It's nightfall by the time he starts. At the beginning, he wished to keep the scouts he brought with him out of sight while he opened his argument. His speech is brutally honest, something you appreciate. You can’t afford fantasies about what it's like to be in the Survey Corps. It might drive more people away, but better that they know they don’t have what it takes now than to request the transfer down the road.

Adding to his plea, he provides a lot of information about Eren and the hopes you all have for him. Given his concerns about potential infiltrators, it worries you. But then again, it's probably a strategy to bring them into the fold where he can better watch them. 

“Before we reach the cellar in Shiganshina, there is another problem that must be dealt with.” Ah, there’s your cue. With Petra, you two walk forth and spread the diagram so that the recruits can see it. Once it's done, he begins outlining the main points of the 57th expedition. 

At the cue, you two roll the parchment up and take your places on the wall behind him.

“One month from now, we will conduct a recon mission outside the walls. Recruits from among your ranks will be expected to take part. I estimate a third of them will die. After four years, most will be dead. But those who endure will be amongst the most capable soldiers alive.” 

You struggle to keep a straight face. Faces from the crowd flash out to you… Mikasa, Jean, Connie, Reiner, Annie, Bertolt… How many of you will die?

“Can you give your heart? Can you give everything for humanity?”

Yes. Absolutely. 

“That is all. Those wanting to join other regiments are dismissed.”

You watch, unsurprised as the majority of the crowd walks away. Darius has stepped forth and voices his concern at Commander Erwin’s approach. Regardless, you are glad to count the remaining your comrades among the remaining soldiers.

Some faces surprise you, like Jean, Connie, and Sasha. Others, like Reiner and Bertolt, are firm reminders of their bravery and commitment. As it becomes clear who would and would not be staying, the remaining section commanders and squad leaders take their places beside you and Petra.

“I ask you, if you were ordered to die, could you do it?”

❦

The following morning at dawn, you all made the trek. You, luckily enough, don’t have to sit through the various rounds of orientation that everyone else did. You happily make your way to the mess hall for a cup of tea before starting your duties. Glancing around, you are surprised at how much progress Levi Squad made to get this place habitable again. You take a long sip from your tea, not realizing how much you needed it before someone addresses you from behind.

“Tch. Brat. Erwin needs you upstairs.”

“Ooh, so grumpy. Thanks, Captain.”

You leave, not caring about the glare he was surely giving you. You are just so happy to be home, to be with your found family. Knocking on Commander Erwin’s door lightly, you hear a gentle “Come in,” before you entering.

He sits behind his desk, covered in paperwork and various maps. He looks up at you, taking in your chipper disposition. “You look happy.”

“Let’s just say I missed seeing some of those faces. Captain Levi said you requested me?”

“Yes. I want to give you your formal assignment, though it is still subject to change in the coming months,” you nod, just wanting to know where to go. “You’ll be working almost as an assistant to Levi and myself, but all your training will be done with the Levi Squad. I would like to know more about your… gift, and how it can be of use to us, so Hange will require you for the remainder of this week.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

“Oh, and please, feel free to call me Erwin. If we’re to be working together, I’d like to get to know you beyond your ability as a soldier.”

This takes you by surprise. “O-oh. Okay. Thank you, si—Thank you, Erwin.” 

He looks pleased before dismissing you. You have absolutely no idea where Hange was, but you figure you’d find Levi to determine what the schedule looks like.

You try a couple of doors down, checking his office. After knocking and receiving no response, you start to step away before you hear a low, “Come in.”

Upon entering, you come across a completely different scene than that you had just left. Where Erwin has a warm sort of clutter, Levi’s office is cold, clean, precise. Not a single thing out of place. Levi is sitting behind his desk, filling out paperwork. Coming closer but not sitting down, you speak. “Commander Erwin has given me my assignment, part of which is training with the Special Operations Squad and acting in part as your assistant. I was hoping to find out what the schedule would look like for training.”

He doesn't answer right away, nor did he otherwise acknowledge your presence. He finishes the document before of him, files it away, and finally looks at you with bored eyes. 

“I see. What’s Eyebrows up to now?”

“E-eyebrows?”

“...Forget that. I’m assuming you won’t be available this week?”

“Ah, no, sir. He would like me to conduct experiments with Section Commander Hange to figure out the intricacies of my… whatever you want to call it,” you supply with a grimace. 

“Tch. Figures. Alright. In that case, you should get started with Four-Eyes. I expect you to meet me back here around dusk. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

You leave, dissatisfaction heavy on your chest as he hadn’t given you the one thing you came to him for. Instead, you set your attention to finding the hectic hell-raiser known as Hange.


	13. Eve of the Counterattack Pt. III *

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ trust your body _   
>  _ it reacts to right and wrong _   
>  _ better than your mind does _
> 
> Rupi Kaur, "it is speaking to you"

* * *

#### Old Scout Headquarters

It was frustrating, to say the least. Hange was split between focusing on you and your abilities and Eren and his titan—though it was clear that of the two of you, they had a favorite. You arrived before Eren, and so Hange was able to get you started. They wanted to focus on you retrieving childhood memories from relative strangers, proof that you could. Moblit stuck around to record results while Hange went to ~~harass~~ find Eren.

You exhibited consistent success while working with the research team, though some of the memories you wish you hadn’t seen. Most were harmless—warm meals with their parents or playing outside with childhood friends—but some were more embarrassing—being pantsed while in school, getting sick when having to perform in front of people, accidentally mistaking friendly intent as early adolescent romance. The more you did it, however, the more exhausted you felt. It was frustrating experiencing other people’s emotions instead of your own, even if it did help you build relations with your comrades. 

Seeing your exhaustion, Moblit dismisses you for the remainder of the day. Everyone else is still in the process of being inducted, so you decide to return to Commander Erwin. You aren’t sure what it means to be an assistant to the Commander or the Captain, but you are sure it was going to be interesting. 

Making your way back upstairs, you knock on the intimidating door. “State your name and business.”

“Cadet Vertrauen, here to work, sir.”

“Oh. Come in.”

You push the door open, shocked to find the mess got worse. Instead of the clutter being limited to the desk, as it had been earlier, it has taken over the surrounding floor with the maps taking up space on his walls. 

“I thought Hange would be conducting experiments?”

“They got me started, but it was mostly XO Moblit observing them. Hange wanted to work with Eren as soon as possible.”

“Heh. That’s not surprising in the least. So? How did it go?”

“Fine. It’s getting easier. Moblit had me focusing on bringing up childhood memories from the research team. I think it was to make sure that without knowing exactly what I’m looking for, I can do it. I was the only one told I would be looking for childhood memories. Moblit just followed me around and ordered them to let me touch them,” you smile to yourself, their confused faces etched in your mind.

“That’s good to hear. There are many secrets being kept, and you may be the key to finding out the truth.”

You consider this, the weight of his hopes on your shoulders. The truth? What would the cost be? You can’t receive something for nothing—it was basic equivalent exchange. You cannot create matter or energy from nothing. It comes from somewhere. So what would your cost be? Who would pay it? You, the one actually seeking it, or Commander Erwin, the one pushing for it? What is the cost for Truth?

Ultimately, it is a price you are willing to pay. If you can help end the reign of the titans, if you can help people find freedom again, then it is worth it. Terrifying as that thought is, you resolve yourself to do what was necessary.

“I don’t know what the cost of finding the truth will be, but I’m willing to pay it. Are you?”

He gives a sad smile and looks down. He considers your question just as you had before looking back at you with a new fire burning in his eyes. “Yes.”

“Okay then. Let’s get to work,” you declare. “But first, _please_ let me fix this mess. It’s stressing me out.”

His full-hearted laugh spreads through your body, making you feel safe, and like you had finally found someplace that you fit.

❦

You have spent hours tidying the Commander’s office. Most of it was simply organizing at cataloging—death reports and next of kin notifications, scrapped expedition plans, paperwork detailing Eren’s progress… By the time all of it is done, the sun is setting and you had an appointment with Levi.

“I’m sorry, sir, but Captain Levi said he—”

He chuckles and raises his hand in dismissal. “It’s alright. I’ve had you here long enough. Thank you for helping.”

You offer a salute before leaving him to his own thoughts. Making your way down the hall, you give a small tap on Levi’s door. Nothing. You resign yourself to waiting, preferring to respect his privacy, if he so needed.

About twenty minutes later, you hear someone coming up the stairs. Levi approaches with a weary look on his face.

“Sorry for making you wait. There was an… incident with Eren.”

Instead of giving a response, you simply follow him as he enters his office. 

“Sit,” he commands, making his way around his desk.

Complying, you wait for him to start.

“I hope you realize that I’m going to expect a lot from you if you are to be my assistant.”

His eyes bore into you and you meet them with steady indifference. “I would be surprised if you didn’t, sir.”

He considers you for a minute before asking, “What is your sleep schedule like, cadet?”

“What sleep schedule? I sleep for maybe three hours if I’m lucky.”

“I see. In that case, I will show you how I like my tea when we go down to the mess hall. I will expect it fresh and hot every three hours. On days when we have expeditions, I will expect a cup of tea an hour before leaving and an hour after arriving. Is that clear?”

You resist the strong urge to roll your eyes. You know how to make tea, but if this is what he needs, the little power-tripping demon, then so be it. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. I require that you maintain the cleanliness of this office in addition to any other areas of the castle I assign. Under no circumstances are you to enter my sleeping quarters or washroom,” he eyed the side door that undoubtedly led to the connected rooms he was speaking of. “Additionally, I will need your help with paperwork. You will organize it by date and subject in alphabetical order. I will expect for you to write professional correspondence on my behalf as I dictate.”

Giving no objections, you ask, “Is that all, sir?”

He can't tell if you are being facetious but doesn't comment on it. With similar analytical stares, you two maintain eye contact until it becomes too much and you break it. He rises to his feet and strides to the door. Opening it, he gestures for you to follow.

❦

It turns out that he makes his tea the exact same way your mother used to, and at that moment you are simultaneously relieved and wistful. After he prepares his cup, you mirror him, gaining a look of inexplicable praise.

“My mother also liked her tea like this. It won’t be a problem.”

He walks away without saying anything more. You enter the main mess hall and are happy to see it so full. After weeks of it being just Levi Squad and lingering members of the research team, it is nice to see the hall used to its full potential. You watch as Levi takes a seat with his squad (sans Eren, who was catching up with Armin and Mikasa). He returns your gaze before his eyes flicker to an empty seat at the same table in silent invitation. You shake your head slightly before finding the blonde and the tall brunette across from him. 

“How was your guys’ first day?” you eagerly ask, taking your seat next to Bertolt.

“Long. The people here are really somethin’, huh?” Reiner remarks.

“Well. They fight titans for a living. It’s not like that attracts normal people.”

“Are you saying we’re weird, too?” Bertolt teases.

“Absolutely I am! What made you guys decide to join anyway?” You look between them expectantly. Bertolt blushes something fierce and Reiner glances away. “What, you didn’t join for me, did you?”

_Warning_

Before shaking that off, you glance around you, making sure nothing was out of the ordinary. The only thing that gives you pause is Petra’s eyes on you with a shrewd smile. Your cheeks burn as you turn back to the boys.

“What if we did? What if all your talk about outside the walls made us want to see it, too?” Reiner leans forward, eyes glinting with… something.

_Warning_

Your eyes widen just a fraction before swallowing the warning and cataloging it for later.

“Anyway, where were _you_ today? I thought I’d see you around,” Bertolt nudges you gently.

“Oh. I received my official assignment. That and Hange needed to run some experiments, apparently.”

_WARNING_

Had you not been observing them so carefully, you would have missed the flash of nonverbal communication between the two of them. You want to ask them, to call it out, but that same little voice tells you to play it cool.

“Huh. I didn’t know Hange knew about it.”

“Yeah, well, it was an accident really.” Lie. Lying to him makes you feel dirty, but at this point, the hairs on the back of your neck are standing up. “I’m sure nothing will come of it, but when I’m not with them, I’ll either be with Commander Erwin or Captain Levi.” 

Hurt darts across Bertolt’s face before he schools it into something more pleasant.

“That’s great! Right? I mean, they must have high hopes for you if they’re doing that!”

“I don’t know. It’s mostly just paperwork and stuff. I mean, I’ll be training with Levi Squad,” you nod your chin in their direction, finding Levi’s keen eyes following you, “when necessary, but I feel kinda sidelined.”

Reiner and Bertolt shift to look at the team, unnerved by Levi’s intent stare. You feel the need to reach out, to ask for help, and luckily for you, he responds. Quietly pushing himself from the table (how the hell did he do that without his chair screeching against the wood?!), he makes his way over to you.

“Cadet. I’ll need you to come see me in my office when you’re done here.” Before leaving, he meaningfully and purposefully assesses the two men staring at him.

They both look back to you and you shrug. “He probably just needs help cleaning or something.”

The lying. It hurts, but you feel like you were in danger if you didn’t… Maybe not that _you_ specifically were in danger, but that something dangerous would happen. You finish your tea, not engaging as much in the dialogue. A headache begins to form as you stress more and more about what makes you feel that you need to be guarded. You want to trust them, trust Bertolt like you used to.

_yeah, but did you ever really trust them to begin with?_

Whoa. Where did that come from?! You stand abruptly, drawing the attention from your surrounding peers and astonishment from the two men next to you.

“I’m… I’m sorry. I should be going. Captain Levi isn’t exactly known for being patient.” Without sparing another glance in their direction, you leave.

❦

Before you can knock, Levi orders you to come in and shut the door behind you. 

He watches as you entered, and you can’t imagine it being a pretty sight. Your breathing is erratic, your hands can’t stop shaking, and your chest feels tight. _Why?_ Why were you so afraid? Why were you reacting this way?

“Tch. Just. Sit on the couch already.”

You still can't budge, tears threatening to spill over. 

A heavy sigh falls from his lips before he crosses the room in just a few strides. He grabs your arm and pulls you to the couch. Spinning you around, he gently pushes, the pressure on the back of your legs enough to communicate to your body to give in.

You can’t… talk or think clearly. Your eyes are glued to your hands as they rest in your lap. All that you could do was panic, panic, _panic!_

“Oi! Brat!” Levi grabs your chin, pulling out a handkerchief and shoving it in one of your open palms. His expression is unexpectedly soft despite his hard tone. Resigning himself to your state, he gives up on trying to get you to talk and instead sat beside you. 

“Look. I don’t know what I can say to help make you feel better,” he starts. Looking back at you, his breath catches in his throat. The best he could offer was a pat on the head.

The soft touch seems to ground you, to focus you. You are able to get a hold of your breathing, and your hands stop trembling. You use the cloth to dab your eyes and sniff out an apology.

“I-I’m sorry, sir. I don’t… I’m not sure what came over me.”

“Tch. You already looked like you were panicking downstairs. If you don’t feel comfortable with them then why did you stay?”

“I—uh… They’re my friends. More than that… I just. I felt like I was in danger or that something bad was going to happen. I don’t know.”

He rolls his head back on the frame of the couch before looking at you again. “From what I can tell, your instincts seem to be dead on. You should listen to them.”

You sigh. Closing your eyes, you contemplate who exactly you could trust. Who your _instincts_ said you could trust. Three faces popped up immediately as you posed the question: Armin, Erwin, and Levi. Why those three? Why wasn’t Bertolt there? Or Annie? Or Reiner? Why…?

“I just… I don’t know who to trust, really.”

He sits on that, his eyes lazily shifting as he considered your statement. “Do you trust me?”

Before thinking about it, you blurt, “Yes, absolutely.” He turns to you, visibly shocked at how quickly you answer. You yourself are shocked and look away as blood rushes to your face. 

“Why?”

“I… I’m not sure. But I do, implicitly.”

❦

After you broke down in front of Captain Levi, he starts keeping you busy and away from Reiner and Bertolt. Well. Away from anyone who isn’t on his squad, Commander Erwin, or on the research team. You find that his sleeping hours are much like yours, and, unfortunately, that means you often work until you fall asleep. You lose count of how many times he nudges you awake with a cup of tea, despite the fact that _you_ are the one who was supposed to bring _him_ tea.

Neither of you speak about that night again, but you have begun to suspect that Levi's keeping a closer eye on the boys. It also doesn't help that you are often in meetings where it is made clear that Commander Erwin believes there to be a spy of sorts. The closer you all get to the 57th expedition, the more anxious you become. Several times you catch yourself asking ~~Commander~~ Erwin whether you can just use your ability to test everyone. 

The experiments you had undergone with Hange (when they weren’t foaming at the mouth over Eren) had proved that you could witness memories and extract information rather quickly. The downside was whenever you did so for _any_ extended period of time, it exhausts you completely. Several times, you had even developed a nosebleed, sparking worry from Petra and Eld. 

They're curious about your ability to see glimpses of the future, especially considering that gaining control of your ability seemed to shut that part out. It was your biggest frustration regarding your ability. The only glimpses you were able to catch were when you were asleep, but even those were largely the same as before. Mastering that piece of you would be a great strategic asset, but even still, that puts you at the center of debates between Erwin and Hange.

“If she can remember or access more specific details of upcoming missions, we would be able to plan ahead, minimizing lives lost,” Erwin argues.

“But that assumes a lot, Erwin,” Hange warns. “That assumes that we _can_ change time, that time is more than just an illusion. I hypothesize that time takes place outside of what we consider to be reality, and that it is instead how we measure something greater that we are unable to see or quantify. Like seeing a tree from a forest when time would otherwise be the bird’s eye view.” 

“Then how do you suppose she’s accessing it?”

“That’s the thing! I think she’s tapping into something greater, something that can’t be changed. Because it can’t be changed, she is able to see it and tell us about it.”

“Assuming that is the case, it would still behoove us to act on it, to take precautions.”

“Okay, but Erwin, that’s not exactly what I’m arguing against here. What I’m saying is that even if we were, there is no way to guarantee it would turn out any differently.”

He ponders this as Hange frantically searches for something. Finding it, they grab their giant fucking journal, slam it shut, and present it.

“I believe that this is time. Figuratively, of course.” They grab a marker and draw a diagonal line along the closed pages. They then make two small vertical lines at differing points of the original. “We would experience time differently than it actually is, right?” They flip through the pages briefly, showing the way the diagonal line moves across them. Without opening the journal, they stop flipping and point to a single page. “Say that we are here, experiencing time by this singular moment. That means that time, for us, is a constant. Unchangeable, because this single page, this single moment in time, does not disrupt the greater flow. It is inconceivable to us, because, again, we are seeing a tree in a forest! We experience time as separate, individual moments, but it is actually one cohesive thing. She is somehow able to tap into that, to access different points of the stream. But, what we call time is in actuality fixed. Steady. Unmoveable, unchangeable.”

Erwin considers Hange’s argument with shrewd eyes. For effect, Hange flips through the pages of their journal again, animating the line.

“Okay, Hange, you’re giving me a headache, but I think I understand what you’re saying. Even still, do you think it isn’t worth preparing, just in case we _can_ change time? Because this is still a hypothesis, right? We still need to find some way to prove it,” you sigh, massaging your temples. 

“I suppose you have a point,” they concede. You watch as they began moving as though they are about to start the argument up again.

“OKAY, I’m going to go while you two discuss the finer parts of my powers. I’m really looking forward to bean and potato soup again,” you announce loudly, quickly gathering your things in a mad dash to leave as Erwin and Hange laugh.

It is late in the afternoon. Levi had grabbed Eren, Petra, and Gunther for a patrol, so you didn’t have any duties just yet. You make your way down to the courtyard, surprised that your fellow cadets were there, too. 

Approaching Armin, he reveals that they had finished learning about Erwin’s scouting formation, providing them with a break before the veterans would make them do physical training exercises. 

“Oh, that’s great! I’m sorry I haven’t seen you around lately. Levi and Erwin—I mean the Commander—are keeping me really busy. I didn’t realize how much paperwork they had to file away, and Levi is really strict with his squad about keeping up with physical training.”

“That’s not too bad, though. At least you’ll be more prepared than the rest of us to fight titans,” Armin answers, watching as someone approaches you from behind.

You feel two large, warm arms wrap around your shoulders, and looking up, you are pleased—maybe?—to see that it is Bertolt. You are still conflicted about how you feel about him, because on one level you love him deeply. On another? You can’t trust him. You feel like he was hiding something from you, something big. Even if Levi hadn’t been keeping you busy, you aren’t sure if you would have made time to find Bertolt, and that thought hurts. You want to trust him, but that fucking voice in the back of your head keeps telling you that you can’t, that the list of people you could trust consisted of three.

“Hey there, handsome,” you smile. “How’re you?”

“I’m fine. Where’ve you been? I missed you.”

Ouch. “Levi’s been keeping me busy. I’ve been reorganizing his entire filing system. Man keeps copies of everything, and I was stupid in suggesting a better way to organize things.” You hope he doesn’t notice that you didn’t return his sentiment.

“Oh. Well, who knew that Humanity’s Strongest was so…”

“Idiosyncratic?”

“Exactly. I need to find Reiner, but I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay?”

“The expedition is in four days, and I wanted to spend time with you before then. Would you be able to make some time for me?”

“Yeah, I’ll see if I can convince Levi to give me a couple hours off,” you answer, your smile not quite reaching your eyes.

Bertolt leaves, and Armin fixes you with a peculiar stare. 

“What’s wrong?”

That…  
That fucking question. That god damned question.

You suddenly feel like it is hard to breathe and your vision becomes overwhelmingly blurry. Noticing this, Armin—panicking himself—grabs your elbow and pulls you into an empty corridor. 

“Are you okay?”

A simple shake of your head is enough of an answer. You can tell he wants to give you a comforting hug, but you don't want to turn into a blubbering mess like you had before, so you hold your hand up. He waits until you are ready to speak.

“No. I’m not okay. I-I don’t know who I can trust, and that scares me. I only trust three people right now, and he isn’t one of them,” saying it out loud brings an entirely new round of tears. You feel relieved at getting it off your chest, at voicing it, especially to someone who knows you, but it also breaks your heart. How can you be in a relationship with someone if you can’t trust them?

“Did something happen? Did he cheat on you?”

You give him a raw laugh in response. Sniffling, you calm your breathing again. “No, no. I don’t think he would cheat on me, and if he did, I think that would actually make this whole thing easier. I… I don’t know why I can’t trust him. I just can’t… I can’t put my finger on it. I can’t give one concrete fucking reason.”

“Well, sometimes… Sometimes a reason from the heart just has to be enough.”

“I guess. Levi kinda said the same thing a while back. He said I have good instincts and that I should trust them.”

“He’s not wrong there,” Armin gives a light laugh. 

You stay in that little bubble of comfort as he calmly walks you through your panic attack.

“Y’know how I said I only trust three people?” you ask, wiping your face dry.

“Yeah?”

“You’re one of them.”

❦

You are waiting in Levi’s office with a steaming cup of black tea placed on his desk directly in front of the chair. In three, two, one—

The door opens and Levi gave a grunt of acknowledgment as he made his way to the desk. Such a way with words. In all honesty, you are deeply glad that he doesn’t look at your face. You hear the gentle clink of the teacup as he lifts it from the saucer, and a satisfied but low, “ah,” as he sips.

It's then his eyes find your face.

“Have you been crying?”

“No, sir, I just rubbed thyme all over my face just so it would look like this. What do you think? Of course I’ve been crying.”

His eyes brighten for a moment with amusement before asking, “What’s thyme?”

“What’s—you don’t know what thyme is?”

“Obviously not or I wouldn’t have asked, brat.”

You chuckle. “Sorry, I just. It’s an herb. We used to grow some in our yard in Shiganshina. It can be used for cooking, but we always used it for its medicinal applications. It’s also the only thing I’m allergic to.”

“Interesting. How do you use it for cooking?”

“It’s… Hmm… It’s used as a seasoning. It’s popular with meat, from ducks or chickens, though it works well with eggs and cheeses, too. Not that we can really have any of that anymore.”

“Was it difficult to grow?”

“Not at all, sir. It was rather easy. We also cultivated rosemary, sage, and lavender, but lavender was the most difficult. If you didn’t trim it just right, it was prone to getting out of control and dying a lot faster than intended.”

“Hm.”

Prior to his arrival, you had started planning on reorganizing his books. You found that he liked initiative, and it was honestly better than having him bark orders at you. You settle yourself in front of his bookshelf to begin again.

“So why were you crying?”

Turning your head in his direction, you see that he has begun paperwork. His eyes are drawn to it, but it is clear he isn't giving it his full attention. Maybe to make it easier to talk to you? Or to make it easier for you to talk to him?

“It’s… it’s nothing important,” you dismiss, continuing your organization. He currently had his books color-coordinated, but it proved frustrating when he asked for a certain book and you struggled to find it. 

“Tch. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t think it was important.”

He… he thought it was important enough to warrant asking about? 

“I… uh. It’s a personal issue. A romantic one,” you hedge, really not wanting to get into it with your ~~attractive~~ boss.

You hear the abrupt stilling of his pen but keep your eyes forward, trying to focus on the books.

“Oh. So the tall one? The one that always hangs around the big blonde kid?”

You chuckle at his description of Reiner. “Yeah. That’s the one.” 

“I see.” 

You finish the first shelf and start on the second. The silence in the room is turning tangible. Still feeling his eyes on you, you face him again.

“Sir? Is there something I can help you with?”

He makes no move to adjust his attention from you, and there was a slight pout forming on his lips… The instant you catch yourself staring, you turn back to the books to hide your burning cheeks. If you listen hard enough, you swear you hear the tiniest of snickers before his pen hit the page again.

An hour later, you had completely finished, having dusted the books and the shelving unit in between. You are starting to feel hungry, but you had something to ask of him first.

“Sir?” 

“Hm?” 

“I was wondering if it would be okay if I had a night off before the expedition?”

He regards you suddenly, eyes unusually hard. 

“It’s just one night. I just want to see my friends before,” before they die, before you all experience something so traumatic it changes you, before it’s too late. You want to say all of it, but he understands where your mind is headed.

“Yes, that will be alright. I assume you’ll be heading to the mess hall now?”

“Yes, sir. Would you like it if I brought you anything?”

“Just tea.”

As you leave, you miss the way his eyes linger.

❦

The eve of the 57th expedition, you spend the day with your friends. Despite the previously full schedule for the day, it had been cleared completely for everyone. It was just light conversations that would sometimes devolve into discussions about future ambitions or proclamations of grandiosity. In cleaning, you had found—and secretly stashed—some games, so you pull them out for the occasion. There are several games of chess going on, some card games—Connie even started trying to perform tricks, but you didn’t stick around to see them—, and other games with marbles and a wooden board with divots.

Your heart flutters with anticipation, and your mind urges you to capture the moment, to remember this night and hold on to it forever. While working with Hange, you had gotten into the habit of carrying a journal with you, so you took the opportunity to sketch faces, expressions, scenes from the night. Reiner and Bertolt sat beside you, playing a game of chess. It's humorous how Reiner keeps getting frustrated when you help Bertolt win, despite having your eyes elsewhere.

At the moment, you are sketching the vivid excitement on Armin’s face as he described the sea and other wonders that exist beyond the wall. A quick glance at the board and, “Reiner, it’s mate in four if you don’t—alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Bertolt chuckles and leans over to give you a quick kiss. His eyes linger on your work. “Is that—is that me?” 

His fingers trace over your last sketch, the ones detailing the careful emotions within his eyes. They are always so expressive, they say so much more than he would verbalize. You love drowning in them, and you need to immortalize them somehow. 

“I can’t take you with me everywhere, now can I? This way I get to keep you close,” you try to be playful but your voice sounds almost mournful.

Reiner, picking up on your emotional state, cuts in. “Hey, now. None of that. We’re gonna make it. We’re just establishing a path to Shiganshina and then heading back, right? Erwin’s formation is gonna bring us all back safe and sound, just you watch,” he predicts with a sure smile.

“Yeah, maybe… Oh, look. That’s mate.”

Your eyes keep going over the smallest details available on each person, struggling to commit them all to memory. 

The way Sasha’s eyes lit up when Christa gave her the rest of her soup. Or how Ymir kept a firm hand on Christa’s shoulder, keeping her close. Eren staring daggers at Jean while Jean made heart-eyes at Mikasa. Petra’s pout as Oruo made another innuendo. The serious set to Eld and Gunther’s eyes as they considered the intricacies of the mission. Levi’s stare, the way he tried to appear bored, but his eyes watched everyone as vividly as you. 

It is all too precious, too much. You lean into Bertolt, needing basic familiar touch. Tonight you would ignore the voice. Tonight you would trust him, trust everyone. Tonight there wouldn’t be any apprehension. You would just… exist in this space with these people. 

You start another sketch, detailing Petra and Oruo’s argument when a cup of tea presents itself to you. Glancing up, you find Levi with a similar cup, giving you an indiscernible look. You take the tea and bring it to your lips. Better.

Offering him a genuine smile, you thank him. Levi assesses Reiner and Bertolt, the latter watching with unwavering attention. As his eyes sweep to you, he notices your journal, your sketches.

“May I?” he asks, sitting down and gesturing towards the book.

“Uh, sure?” you hand it to him before you turn your attention back to the boys. “Hey, Reiner. Have you considered that if you start with this pawn instead—”

“Hey, hey, hey. None of that. We all know you’re just trying to help out Bertl.”

You and Bertolt laugh at his admission. You turn your attention back to Levi, who is still considering your journal. You lean towards him to see which sketch captured his interest. It is one of him. You had caught him in his chair asleep a week prior, steady breathing and a peace his waking self never knew. At the time, you yourself couldn’t fall back asleep, so you sketched him and let your mind wander.

“When was this?”

“Uhm. Last Tuesday, I think? I couldn’t go back to sleep and sketching sometimes helps my anxiety.”

He hums in response before turning the page to your first sketches of the night.

Bertolt pulls you back to him and you oblige.

“He’s just looking at my sketches,” you explain.

“I didn’t even know you sketched, to be honest.”

“I don’t often, just when I’m stressed out.”

“You’re stressed out? Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve been there.”

You look back up to him, finding his face riddled with worry and frustration. 

“I’m sorry, Bertl. There’s hardly any time for me, and I usually just end up sleeping in the Captain’s office—”

“What?!” he asks loudly, with a firm tone you had only heard several times before.

“It’s not a big deal. It really isn’t.”

He purses his lips, eyes full of hurt, but he accepts your words. He adjusts his attention from you to your Captain, expression changing to something almost possessive and challenging.

You don’t like it. Not really. You don’t like what you two are devolving into. Your hands start to shake, so you turn your attention to Reiner.

“So where are you going to be in the formation tomorrow, Reiner?”

“What? Oh. I’ll be on the right, not too far back from Armin.”

“And you two feel ready for it? Nervous at all?”

“Us? Never.”

“Oh, well it’s good that someone isn’t nervous because I’m petrified.”

You hear your journal snap shut and give Levi your attention. His eyes are burning as he stares at Bertolt behind you with an odd intensity. His gaze falls on you and almost softens for a moment before his stoic expression returns and he hands his journal back to you.

“They’re good. The sketches,” Levi comments before rejoining his squad. You open up to the sketches and notice a note at the bottom of the page with a sleeping Levi. 

_I like this one the best. Trust your gut._

The urge to look back at him is so strong, you bite the inside of your cheek in defiance. You close the journal and lean into Bertolt a little more, ignoring the feeling of eyes on you.

If everything goes to hell tomorrow, you want to be able to have this one night.

❦

A couple hours later, you are all ordered to bed. That’s all fine and dandy except you can’t sleep. You want comfort. You want to drown yourself in love and fill the growing emptiness inside you with something greater than yourself.

Getting up, you brush your hair—now that it’s short, it tends to go every which way when you lay down—, and head into the quiet hallway. You know the room assignments by heart now, it’s almost impossible to not when you work with Erwin and Levi. You make your way down to Bertolt’s room. There’s a flickering light, a signal that he’s still awake, or, at the very least, he forgot to blow out the candle. 

You turn the knob, glad that you were responsible for oiling all the hinges and doorknobs a week back. He’s there, sitting on the bed, with a surprised look on his face. You hold a finger to your lips as you slowly shut the door behind you.

He watches as you came closer before you climb onto his bed and sit in his lap. You wrap your arms around his neck and nuzzle into it.

“I wasn’t expecting you,” he admits.

“I wasn’t expecting to be here. I could leave if you want?”

“No. Stay with me tonight.”

His arms wrap around you and hold you close.

The two of you sit there for a while, enjoying the simplicity of being together. Soon, though, it’s not enough.

Pulling your head away from his chest, you meet his careful eyes. Gently caressing his jawline, you pull him closer and bring him into a languid kiss. The taste of him is addicting, and you need more. 

You nip his lower lip, and his quiet gasp gives you what you wanted. His hands start to wander, start to light a fire beneath your skin, pulling you closer, grabbing you, holding you, _loving you._

The room fills up with the sounds of quiet gasps and pants, heat that swallowed you both. His tongue traces your bottom lip and it leaves you breathless. His hands grab onto your thighs, just below where you want them to be.

You trail your lips from his mouth to his jaw, leaving a trail of burning flesh in their wake. Making your way to his earlobe, you breathe his name before teasing the lobe with your teeth. He shivers, his grip bordering painful as it finds purchase on your ass and your lower back. He pulls you closer to him, impossibly so, and you let out an unintentional giggle. Your lips continue making their way down his throat, where you bite, not hard enough to leave a mark. 

Finding the hem of his shirt, you pull it up and off of him. He is always so beautiful like this, so deliciously handsome as he exposes himself like this for you. You missed it. You would miss it.

Before letting that thought run rampant, you attach your teeth to his newly exposed shoulder. The small moan that left him is so… delightful. You continue, sucking on skin until it turns a nice shade of red. Just for tonight, you want him to be yours. You don’t want his secrets to come between you, nor the lies that you had begun to tell. You don’t want anything but for him to be yours. 

You bring your mouth back to his as you push him back onto the bed. Rolling your hips, you continue to bite, pull, demand. He's almost vibrating with want, and you let him. 

You relish in the feel of him against you, of him wanting you, of him simply being with you. You pull yourself back to get a better look at him. His hair is wild and his eyes are wide with want. He looks at you like he is staring into the sun and like you would burn his eyes out and he would gladly let you. Your eyes start to water. You bring yourself back down, kissing him hard. 

“Bertolt,” you whimper into his mouth. “Love me, please.”

❦

The next morning, he wakes up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a better understanding of "Hange's Theory," I'm including a clip from _Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D._ that attempts to explain it. [X](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOb1Yghbpxk)
> 
> Basically, we are trapped within the fourth dimension (Space-Time) as three-dimensional beings, unable to affect the fourth dimension. Ymir Fritz existing in the Paths or the Coordinate _is_ a fourth-dimensional being able to interact with Space-Time. For her, she exists on a plane outside of time.


	14. The Female Titan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _gods, i hope i terrify you._  
>  Amanda Lovelace

* * *

#### The Day of the 57th Expedition - Old Scout Headquarters

Your body is sore from the night before, riddled with bruises and bite marks. You don’t care. You felt rather… empty. It isn’t that you stopped loving him—you aren’t sure if you would ever stop, really—but more that you listened to Levi’s advice. It isn’t right, it doesn’t fit anymore. It hurts. It hurt like a bitch, like someone's tortuously ripping you apart, but you need to sit on it, to think on it. After the expedition, should you both return alive, you can confront him, demand the truth, maybe fix whatever it was that broke…

_have you considered that it was broke to start with?_

Shaking your head, you go to take a cold shower. You need to get your head out of this fog. Your survival depends on it. Your comrades’ survival depends on it. Despite the cold, you relax into the water. Closing your eyes, it is almost like it's raining. You let yourself get carried away by it until—

_There’s a scout, standing alone atop a branch in a forest. There’s a cloak protecting her identity from you. She fires a flare, and once she sees the response, she drops the gun and draws her swords. She flies through the forest towards the secondary smoke. She shifts her head like she can hear something, and before you know it she attacks another scout leading the group. Her cuts are deep and precise, and he’s left dangling there. You go to investigate and it’s Gunther._

You turn off the water as soon as your eyes are open again and begun drying yourself off with a speed that nearly gave you rugburn. You run to the Commander’s office, not even waiting for a welcome. He’s standing there with Levi, and both are watching you like you might catch on fire.

Fuck. Who knows? You very well might.

“The Special Operations Squad will be attacked today. She kills at least one of them,” you declare, refusing to let the tears form.

“What?!” 

“I don’t—I don’t know all the details, but it’s a female we’re looking for. All of those dreams, those visions… they must be from today.”

“It’s possible. Remind me what happens?” Erwin asks, ignoring Levi’s visibly agitated energy. 

“Uh, fuck, I… I’m on the rightmost side of the formation, with the support squad. I see red flares up ahead, and then black ones. Sometimes I see titans, but they always ignore me. They—they kill everyone. Every scout on the right. There’s a tall titan, an abnormal, but… she’s like Eren. She moves with purpose. We go into the forest as planned, where the special target restraining weapon has been set up. But then, for some reason, she is dressed like one of us. She always has her hood drawn, and she sets off a green flare. Levi Squad must be the one that responds because they’re the ones who run into her.” 

“You’re certain?” Levi questions, his eyes full of defiance, anger, defeat.

“Yes. Gunther was the one who saw her first.” Your eyes are down, hating yourself for the words coming out of your mouth. 

“Okay then. There will be a change of plans.”

Your head snaps up at the same time as Levi’s. 

“You will no longer be traveling with me in the center rank. I want you to be with the support squad to the right.”

“Sir?!”

“You’re telling me that she can see the future, that she sees the attack from the right, and _that’s_ where you want to _put her?!_ ” Levi isn’t shouting per se, but you don’t believe you’ve ever seen him look more terrifying.

“Calm down. I’m not done,” Erwin warns.

“Your job is not to engage with any abnormals. If the right does indeed get cut down, I need you to be there to notify me.”

You watch him like he’s crazy. Fuck, Levi must think so too, the way his head kept whipping from you to Erwin.

“Hange noted that titans seem to avoid you. They don’t acknowledge your existence. This is why they believe you survived Trost. If the right support squad is cut down,” he carefully enunciates, “I need you to be the one to signal danger. Then I need you to cut across the field to me and we’ll begin to make our way into the forest. Is that clear?”

You provide a short nod, not trusting your voice.

“For that, we will give you the fastest horse. Levi, see to that, will you?”

Levi glares at Erwin before grabbing your hand and dragging you out of the room. His grip was harsh, but in that moment, you are grateful for the harsh reminder of life. Everyone else is awake and in various degrees of preparedness by the time you make it through the mess hall. Eyes follow the two of you, but you don’t bother identifying who it was. 

The cold morning air hits you and he continues without decreasing in speed, increasing his grip with renewed urgency.

He stops the both of you at the end stall in the stables. She’s a white mare with a deep, rich mane. She comes closer and sniffs you before Levi lets go of your hand.

“Her name is Guinevere. She’s technically Erwin’s horse, but he says the fastest horse and I need to not worry about at least one of my people.”

He… he was worried about you? He considers you to be one of his people, someone to watch out for?

“I’ll notify him that he’ll be riding your horse instead.” He turns to leave but pauses before softly calling your name.

“Sir?”

“I order you to stay alive today. I expect my tea one hour after we get back.”

“Yes, sir.”

He turns his head so he could glimpse you one more time before taking off. You don’t miss the small smile that was there.

* * *

#### 

The Day of the 57th Expedition - Calaneth District

The formation is constricted as you pass through the part of the city in Wall Maria. The titans for the most part have been lured away, but there are some that are attracted by the mass that is the Survey Corps. Hange hollers excitedly as the support squad wipes them out. Breaking past city limits, Erwin triggers the first flare and the formation spreads out.

Firmly on the right, you keep looking for signs of titans, more so than your comrades around you. There is one ahead, and the scout in front of you fires a red flare. You do the same, keeping an eye on where that singular titan was headed. 

Soon enough, the sky is littered with red smoke, but not enough that you believe it to be multiple titans in a single place. No, this doesn’t feel like the place just yet.

Green signal to the left. Adjust. Red flares in the distance on the left. Green signal. Adjust. 

Nothing. Nothing. Noth—

HOLY SHIT.

You fire off the black flare as you see the first of the batch. They’re all running forth through the trees and the destroyed houses, but there’s still no sign of the bitch you need.

Still moving forward, you see what has to be Ness (thanks to that white ass bandana he uses to hide his bald patch) calling his horse forward. He climbs on and you look right. Barely there, in the distance, you see her.

Something about the way she runs is familiar, but you don’t have time to waste. You fire off the black flare and start redirecting Guinevere to the center. 

She’s at least fourteen-meters, and she’s… sprinting! She’s sprinting towards Ness and Cis and Armin! You fire off a purple flare and another black in quick succession, hoping someone will see this and that someone will survive. You watch in horror as she runs between their horses and Armin fires the black flare. Cis attaches his gear to her shoulder and starts swinging in to attack her nape and she rams her shoulder into him, killing him on contact. At this point, Ness has also gone in for the opposite side, but she grabs his ODM wire and throws him to the ground.

Armin’s horse is still running, still going, and you can see as he watched on. The Female Titan has slowed and is watching you intently. Realizing she is looking for someone, you take your hood and cover your head. She watches you some more before taking off in Armin’s direction again.

It's breaking your fucking heart. You can’t afford to go to him, to save him. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Darting inwards, you come across Reiner, ohthankgod. He's perplexed as to why you are at this point in the formation, but you don’t give him the chance to question you further.

“I DON’T HAVE TIME—ARMIN—I HAVE TO GO I HAVE TO GET TO ERWIN! I NEED YOU TO GO TO ARMIN SHE’S AFTER HIM! GO, PLEASE JUST GO!”

He kicks his horse into running faster to get to him and you breathe a little easier. Once you hit the wagon defense squad, you tell them about the titan, about how the right was wiped out, and how you were heading to Erwin under specific orders. They direct you to Levi Squad in the center, telling you to notify each group in the center rank of the development.

You push Guinevere further. This poor, gentle horse. She hadn’t swayed, hadn’t slowed, hadn’t complained even for a second. You see them—Oruo, Petra, Eld, Gunther, Eren, Levi. All okay, all right now. 

You let yourself feel relief for just a moment before setting yourself to catch Levi. They all watch in confusion as you push yourself forward, to Levi’s side.

“An oral message! The right-wing spotters are all but wiped out! The early warning network is compromised!”

He looks at you, relief clear on his face. He nods, and you continue. “I’m returning to Commander Erwin, but the message needs to be passed down the line!”

Taking in their faces one last time, you push, push, push forward. Shortly after leaving, you hear the distinct sound of the flare guns going off behind you.

❦

In the Forest of Giant Trees, you watch as Hange and the rest of the Wagon Support Squad set up the special target restraining weaponry.

“I don’t like this, sir,” you state, loud enough that Erwin could hear you, but not so loud that the others could.

“I know. I needed you for this expedition, and I couldn’t have you exhausted from reading everyone.”

You look away. It is true that the more you use your gift, the more exhausted you become. But when you would “sleep” afterward, it wasn’t restful. Not really. Just… Just a giant fucking waste of time, as far as you are concerned.

“I can’t help thinking that I know her somehow. It’s… it’s an itch that I just can’t seem to reach. The way she moves… it’s familiar.”

“Familiar?”

“I don’t know how to explain it, but hopefully, once all this is done, we’ll have an identity.”

You hear the firing of an acoustic shot before you hear the distant thumping of her running. You strain your ears, listening for them, for your friends. Distant yelling and oddly timed silence. Fuck. The closer they get, the more you can distinguish Eren’s yelling. _Fucking Eren_. Another scream. Mike joins you and Erwin on the branch you stood on. You flinch as more and more yells are cut short. 

“EREN! Come on! Make up your damn mind!”

A beat, then—“I’M WITH YOU!”

Another scream. This is agonizing. Their lives are being cut short because of this goddamned plan and you can’t help but hate Erwin a little in this moment.

The thumping is getting louder, the vibrations felt even through the giant mass that is these trees. A wave of relief nearly knocks you to your knees as you hear the whinny of their horses. The second she comes into sight, she slows, catching the sight of light reflecting on metal. You cover your ears as Erwin shouted,

**“FIRE!!”**

She is… massive. Exposed muscle and sinew, nothing but exposed dermis. Her hair is blonde and short, her eyes are a sharp, crystal blue. Familiar, but you can't quite put a name to it just yet… Maybe you didn’t want to? Is it someone who is close to you…?

Before you can continue your analysis, Levi swings up. 

“She’s not putting up much of a fight.”

“That’s no reason to let our guard down. Good work leading her here. I’m more than a little impressed.”

You shoot him a glare, but Levi says what you are thinking before you could. “We couldn’t have without the rear contingent whose lives bought us time. This belongs to them. I don’t intend to ever forget that. Because of their sacrifices, we can expose whoever this really is.”

“Sir. I would like permission to work. I want to do the job I was brought here to do,” you announce, voice tight.

Levi draws his blades, ignoring your request. 

“Not quite yet, Levi. A little more insurance. Second and third waves!”

Two more rounds go off, thick wires and barbs catching on her body. The explosions are loud and continuous as the scouts below empty the entirety of the reserves. 

You watch Levi, glad he was alive. He must have felt your gaze because he returns it with his own burning intensity. Instead of looking away, you maintained it. You two were unable to speak given the discharging weaponry, but he seemed to share your thought process. 

Once the reserves are empty, everyone just watched. According to Hange’s research, each time titan skin heals over a continually applied wound, the skin hardens, making it more difficult for the joint to really move. So for this? The muscles would be hardening around the barbs currently holding her in place, making it so that her only option was to be cut out or to come out on her own. Regardless, you are eager to find out who it was.

Hange is taunting her from the ground level, their curiosity turned morbid in this particular case. They had to be hurting just as much as you, just as much as Levi. Add their propensity for science? Hange is easily the most terrifying member of the scouts.

“Sir. May I begin?” you ask again, ignoring Levi and making direct contact with Erwin.

He is about to speak when Levi cuts him off.

“No,” Levi answers, demanding your attention. “This one’s mine. We’re going to kill her, here and now.”

You raise an eyebrow in response, feeling more hopeless, more frustrated, more used than you like. Erwin nods before Mike and Levi took off, spinning through the air with deadly precision to slice through the hands covering her nape.

In an instant, she crystallizes them, breaking their blades. While Mike returns to Erwin, Levi instead perches atop her head.

“Commander Erwin. If she is able to harden portions of her body, we need to assume she is able to harden all of her body. Extraction and/or death may not be possible. I ask again, may I perform the duty I was brought here to do?”

He turns to you, steel gaze trapping you in place. Instead of answering you, he calls forth a support scout and commands him to prepare to blast through the wrists. You are vaguely aware of Levi talking to her—you catch the barest of threats he offered. 

You watch as her eyes shift to something of fear and—

Annie? Are you fucking Annie?! 

You turn to tell the Commander that you know, but in that moment she lets out a massive scream.

_DANGER DANGER DANGER_

“Sir, we need to get out of here, now,” you urge, suddenly fearful.

_DANGER DANGER DANGER_

“There’s something coming, we need to move, we need to do something!”

**_GET OUT OF THERE_ **

Mike starts sniffing the air and you know you were all fucked. “They’re coming. I can smell them.”

“From what direction?”

“From every direction. Fast. Dozens of them.”

Sure enough, you hear the sounds of titans running towards the center, running towards you. Erwin tries to push for the guns to be prepared more quickly. 

“Sir, no, I don’t think—”

He sends out the wagon defense squad to intercept, except they run past them, straight for her. The first to reach her, a small one not even at her knee, starts to rip into her flesh. Before being given the order, you swing down there to start killing them.

“All hands, commence combat!”

They care not at all for any of you. Not a single soldier sent in is at risk of being eaten, granted they don’t get between the titan and Annie. You slice through two, three, four, again and again until you are down to just two spare blades. It makes no difference. She is being eaten in front of your eyes and there is nothing you can do about it. You are covered in titan blood, though it steams off of you at an incredible rate. 

“All hands, withdraw! Redeploy the formation! Return to Calaneth District!”

You swing back to Erwin, disappointment heavy in your heart. All this… all these lives sacrificed just for you to find out her identity and nothing more. All this, and for what?! You are pissed, you are fucking livid. All of this, pointed outwards at Erwin, at Levi, at _Annie_. _**Fucking Annie.**_ If it wasn’t directed at them, it would be directed internally, and you can’t quite do that just yet.

Erwin and Levi are talking, and you focus on the steaming bodies around you. You lower yourself to the supply wagons and grab water, lots of it.

“You all need to cool off, or those burns are going to be bad. Take some water and douse yourselves,” you instruct, handing the first two containers to Hange and Moblit. You might as well be of some fucking use, even if it is something as basic as medical treatment. “Spread away from the corpses—staying near the heat will only make it worse.” You turn back to the cart, searching for some sort of painkiller so that you all could make it home. “Hange, do you know if there are any painkillers? Any willow bark?”

“Oh, yeah. Um, here,” they shuffle back towards you, their hair and face wet. Thankfully someone is fucking listens to you today. They hand you little packets of pills, and you work to distribute them. 

Once done, you bring water and medicine to Erwin and Levi still in the tree. They eye you like you are crazy, but you aren’t fucking having it.

“Here. You need to cool down, get this steam off of you, and you should take these. It’ll help reduce the swelling and any other pains you may have, at least until we get back.” 

Erwin takes the water and the medicine, but Levi looks doubtful. Tired of not being listened to, not being heard, you snap.

“Look. I’m not fucking around. Take the goddamn drugs and the goddamn water. I’m a medical professional, goddammit, and at this point in time, I’m _your_ medical professional. So stop looking at me, listen to me for once today, and take the damn drugs. I don’t care if I’m being insubordinate, you can punish me once we’re all safe and back at the castle.”

Levi looks… taken aback. You don’t stop glaring at him until he takes the supplies from you. He glances at Erwin, who looks positively tickled.

“And you. I know who it fucking is, despite this whole mess. I’m going to tend to Guinevere and prepare to leave.”

With that, you hop off the tree and trigger your gear at the last second, briefly giving the two men palpitations. 

Finding the horse, you pet her, whispering to her all your complaints of the day so far. Once you see Erwin approaching, he nods and you fire off a round of blue smoke. You guys all mount your horses before starting a steady run out of the forest. You distinctly hear the echo of a flare gun going off, and, upon turning around, you are horrified to see the green smoke.

❦

Levi and Mikasa return, a half-hour later, with Eren unconscious. You notice Levi limping, and so you call Armin over to help treat them both. Levi tries swatting you away, and you almost gave in when you saw the despair in his eyes. No.

You make him take off his boot and roll up his pant leg to see the damage. It's pretty fucking bad. You want to know how it happened, but it really isn’t the time to ask. Tears start falling, but you keep at it.

“I don’t have any ice or anything cold, so I’ll need to do that as soon as we make it back.”

Checking the temperature, you find it to be relatively normal, though you’d have to check again later. He responds (barely) when you poke around his foot, and he is relatively fine when you asked for him to wiggle his toes. Despite the grimace, you find it was mostly located around the ankle with what appeared to be muscle strain. You fashion him a basic splint to keep it in place for the meantime. 

As you finish, scouts are coming back with the dead. You force two more pills on Levi before you and he went to the squad. He leans on you for support. He doesn’t acknowledge your tears, save for handing you his handkerchief. You finally feel like you had a family again, and now they were taken from you. Brutally. Savagely. You watch as Levi begins cutting off the patches from their jackets.

You… you knew that this would happen, but you couldn’t change it. You couldn’t change anything. You could have disobeyed, gone after them. Fought to save them. You could have—

“You couldn’t have done anything. I couldn’t have done anything. You can’t let that weigh on your heart, the what-ifs. The only thing you can do for them is carry their sacrifice with you, their purpose, their fight. If you had gone with them, you would be just like them. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, too.”

He walks away from you, joining Peer and Erwin in assessing the losses. It's probably time to start heading back. You make your way back to Guinevere, eyeing Eren as you pass. Armin did a good job. 

Riding with Erwin in the front, warnings from behind make their way up and Levi argues to circle back to safety, to somewhere where you would all stand a chance. Erwin maintains going forward, and as Levi drops back, you call out to him. 

“Stay off your leg, please, and come back to me,” His eyes connect with yours and he gives a short nod.

* * *

#### Old Scout Headquarters

The castle feels empty, despite the warm bodies that fill it. You make sure Levi goes to his office and sits down before grabbing the medkit. You set it on his desk, ignoring his disapproving look, and go back downstairs to make the tea. Rummaging through the cabinets, you find a bottle of aged whiskey, nearly full.

Levi is surprised when you entered with a tray instead of just the two cups. 

“I bring tea, as requested, and whiskey. You don’t have to share this with me, but I have every intention of finishing the bottle regardless.” He takes the tea, opting to stay quiet. “Once you’re done with this, I need you to take a shower and come back out. I need this to be clean before I properly care for it.”

He grunts in response before taking a sip of his tea. You follow suit, noting that the tea was off. 

“I’m sorry, sir. I must have been distracted—”

“It’s fine. Thank you.”

You nod, finishing the cup, eager to get started on the whiskey.

❦

By the time he exits his room, clean and smelling fresh, you’ve already downed two glasses. He eyes the bottle, then you, before pouring himself a drink.

“Please, sir, it’ll be easier if I am able to treat you on the couch.”

“Levi,” he says without looking at you. “Please. Just… Levi.”

“Okay, Levi.” 

You shift so that he can take a seat next to you.

“You shouldn’t drink so much.”

“Good one. I was raised in part by the Shiganshina Garrison. It was like having a bunch of drunk uncles. How else am I to be close to the family that is now gone?”

He snorts, taking a lazy drink.

You open the medkit and rolled up his pant leg.

“Let me know if any of this hurts. I can apply a topical anesthetic if it does.” 

You had him lean back so that his ankle would be elevated while you work. While there was a good deal of time when he was unable to keep it elevated, it would still help a little now after his shower. You gently feel around the joint for the bones.

“It doesn’t… It’s hard to tell without opening you up which would really ruin my whole whiskey experience, but it doesn’t feel misaligned at all. I should be able to help correct this with a proper splint, but I need you to stay off your leg as much as possible.”

“Tch.”

“Don’t ‘tch’ me, Levi. I mean it,” you warn, getting the necessary equipment. “Humanity needs you to be okay. Everything is going to shit now and I can’t stop—I can’t. Something big is going to happen. I don’t know what, but it’s like my entire body is screaming at me. Humanity needs you to be okay. _I_ need you to be okay.”

You gladly take his handkerchief when he offers, noting to clean it when you got the chance. As you wrap the padding around the leg and splint, he finally speaks.

“Thank you.” When you don't speak up, he continues. “For caring. I’m sorry I didn’t let you work earlier. Hearing you, what you saw earlier… I didn’t want to put you in unnecessary danger.”

You fix him with a pointed look before starting on the wrap. “Levi, I… it means a lot to me that you trust me when it comes to my visions, but I need to be able to do my thing. If I can’t at least try to fix things, to change what I see, then I’m going to go mad. This can’t all be for nothing. What’s the point of seeing all this if—if I can’t do more?”

At this point, you're actively crying. Levi looks at you with shock and pity, not exactly knowing how to make this better. 

He sits up a bit so that he could lean forward and pat your head. As soon as his skin makes contact, it happens.

_Wall Maria and Shiganshina had been repaired somehow, and the lifts are working to carry horses beyond the Walls. You stand with Levi, Hange, Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Jean, Connie, and Sasha. There’s another redhead, someone who looks vaguely familiar from the cadet corps. You all watch on as you get closer and closer to the ground._

_Looking at Hange, they have an eyepatch. You see Guinevere waiting for you as the horses stand ready for their respective people. Almost immediately after mounting, you all take off._

_There are no titans in sight, just expanding vegetation._

❦

_You all make it to the other side of the mountains, where there are large hills of sand. A giant wall is erected, but you ride parallel to it. Once it ends, there seems to be a little path that you all lead your horses up. Making it to the top, you see it._

_Large, vast, extending from horizon to horizon. The clouds are fluffy and light and reflected on its surface. You breathe in and there’s an odd tang to the air. There's a gentle breeze, carrying sunlight and water towards you. For the first time, you can hear it—the waves as they gently caress the shore. You look over at Levi, experiencing all this with you in this moment, and there is nothing but awe._

_You get off your horse as quickly as possible and run down the hill towards the sea._

You two stare at each other in absolute wonder. 


	15. Annie Pt. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _come to me in the dead_  
>  _of night and_  
>  _I'll show you all the_  
>  _reasons the monsters_  
>  _under my bed_  
>  _are scared shitless_  
>  _to reveal themselves._  
> 
> 
> Marisa Crane 

* * *

#### The Day of the 57th Expedition - Annie

Today was the day. She was going to grab Eren on the right and make her way to the center to grab you.

A little chaos with a horde of titans (gross) and she’d be able to get in. Eren would transform, making it easy to find him, and of the two of them, she was better at hand to hand combat. 

She had manipulated her superior just so, resulting in her having the day off so she wouldn’t technically be AWOL. The real trick was getting outside of Wall Rose.

At this point, she was numb. She was done, ready to go home. Ready to stop being a Warrior, stop living this double life. Her roommate was a bitch, but to be honest, she kind of liked that. She knew where she stood with her at any given point in time.

❦

_ “They’re not friends—they’re devils.” _

Running through the rightmost ranks, she doesn’t see him. She begins to worry that a titan might have eaten him. Maybe he’s not in this particular spot, but further up?

Black smoke. Someone on a white horse in the distance. Huh. Could that be Eren? She was pretty certain that he would be given a more nondescript horse, but it wouldn’t hurt to check. She starts her sprint.

Two more horses with two other cadets. She watched as they dispatched the abnormal that was headed their way. Definitely not the targets. New recruits were told _not_ to engage. She kills them easily. 

It’s like killing ants, to be honest. They’re so small from this angle, from this perspective. She can only imagine what it’s like as the Colossal Titan. 

The white horse again. She slows, keeping her eyes on the rider trying to make a beeline for the center.

Is that… It can’t be. She was told that you’d be in the center, with Erwin. So why are you here? 

In any event, you’ll be the easier of the two to grab. She needs to find Eren first. You’ll be easy enough to find now that she knows your horse.

❦

How was she so stupid?! It was too easy. The scouts kept coming despite seeing their comrades fall again and again. Eren was screaming, he was so close! Almost within reach!

And then Erwin shouted.

_**“FIRE!!”**_

She caught a glimpse of you, carefully studying her. Fuck. She was glad she protected the nape when she did.

Fuck.

Erwin must have known, he must have figured it out. Did you help? You probably deduced the reason for her leaving you that autumn night. Fuck. 

~~Fucking fuck.~~

She strains her ears to listen for your voice. It’s kinda easier as a titan—larger ears capture more sound.

  
_“She’s not putting up much of a fight.”_

_“That’s no reason to let our guard down. Good work leading her here. I’m more than a little impressed.”_

_“We couldn’t have without the rear contingent whose lives brought us time. This belongs to them. I don’t intend to ever forget that. Because of their sacrifices, we can expose whoever this really is.”_

**  
Fuck!   
**

“Sir. I would like permission to work. I want to do the job I was brought here to do.”

You sound pissed. _Hurt._

And you know. You know how to use your powers now. They know, too. That’s probably why Erwin took you on in the first place! Shit! How long had you known? How long had you been working with them?! Do Bertolt or Reiner know? Or have you learned how dangerous they are?

How about how dangerous _you_ are? You looked pretty cozy up there with the Commander, and she wouldn’t at all be surprised if you and the Captain had a thing, too. You do have a tendency to fall for dangerous people. But no. Your thing is more quiet and dangerous. The Captain is more outright dangerous. Although. Maybe he acts like your protector and you his pretty little fortune-teller.

More cannons go off, sending hooks into her flesh. Her titan is continually trying to repair herself, but not being able to remove them is just making her stiff. It hurts, somewhere between the tangible and the intangible. 

She can’t tell if she’s thinking of you like this because it makes it easier, because it makes the pain of having lost you a little more bearable.

Fuck. They should have taken you when they had the chance. Now they know too much, just by having you with them. Your presence there… Fuck. Bertolt and Reiner should have known when it was suggested that you would be with Erwin in the formation in the fucking first place!

She hears as they are trying to cut through her wrists. She’s beyond glad that along with receiving their titans, they also received their armor vials. It’s almost satisfying to hear as their blades shatter. 

She feels as someone perches on her head. He starts speaking, and she recognizes the voice from earlier. Captain Levi, perhaps? He starts talking down to her. Explaining how there are no ways out of this situation (hint: there definitely is. They don’t know nearly enough about titans for him to go on like this). Trying to guilt her for the lives she’s taken. And then:

_“You enjoy killing. Which means we have something in common. ‘Course, I enjoy killing titans. But it’s a start.”_

Definitely your type. She hopes that when she kills him, you won’t be too upset with her. It’s when he starts gruesomely describing how he would torture her, not the Female Titan, but Annie, that she begins to panic.

She takes a deep breath in and screams. The incoming titans shouldn’t give a shit about the humans hanging around here; that wasn’t the command she gave. She does hear your panicked voice. Fuck. 

She kicks herself for not having considered the full extent of your family’s lineage. Heightened sense of awareness was necessary for the Oracle to survive. The Fritz’s wanted to keep them alive, wanted to utilize their ability to see into the future. But now they have a pissed off Oracle hellbent on discovering the truth, on destroying everything the Fritz’s had built up. It was almost poetic justice. Almost.

It hurts when they finally dig in. There are dozens upon dozens of them, and it’s all she can do to protect her body while guaranteeing that the Scouts don’t see. There is the possibility that you already know, but she can’t risk that just yet.

She manages. They’re still intent on destroying the titan, not humans. She makes sure that she has her gear intact and zips away. And then she experiences it, the moment that she saw with you. If you didn’t figure it out earlier, you definitely did now.

She fires off the green smoke, hoping they’ll reveal themselves. The steam from the decaying titans would have made it difficult to see—Erwin would have sent out scouts further from the trap before sending the signal to withdraw. Levi wouldn’t be with his squad just yet, which was definitely where Eren would be. But to keep him safe, the rest of the squad would have had to travel further away, making them completely unaware of what was happening.

There it is, not too far from her current location. She takes off in their direction, blades already out. There he is—the first one. Short, dark hair, same as in the vision. She hopes he isn’t your friend and makes the kill clean. Eren, the idiot, gets caught up staring at his dead caretaker. He’s too emotional. Doesn’t take the time to develop the perspective necessary for this kind of work. It’s such a disappointment that _he’s_ the Attack Titan. At the very least, they’ll be leaving with him.

The rest of the team urge him forward and he’s still too caught up by his friend’s death. Lucky her.

She hears as they plan to go to HQ. Shit. She needs this to be over. NOW. She falls back and flicks the blade on her ring.

It’s easy. The rest of them are gone, and now, for some fucking reason, they discourage him from changing. Alright then. If that’s how they want to play it. They send Eren away, and soon enough it’s just her versus the three of them. They’re dangerous, sure, but she has better control of her titan than they know. 

The blonde makes to slice her arm and as she reaches to grab him, he pulls back. It makes it so that she’s late at figuring out what the other two are going to do. Attached to her cheeks, they come in for the eyes.

Shit.

She covers her nape and presses back against a tree. Worst case here, she’ll harden, like before. But all she needs, all she really needs is for one eye to work. And so that’s what she focuses on.

She’s vaguely aware of the whirring of the gear and then she feels the first cuts, on either side of her breasts. They must be trying to cut down her arms. It’s a smart move. But she’s curious to see if they’re faster.

Again, and again, they slice. Without saying a single thing. Damn, they’re good. But then they start talking, start verbally planning their attack. Idiots. 

In three

Two

The blonde is coming closer to slice into her nape. She grabs him with her teeth. Disgusting. 

The woman is panicking, incessantly. It’s going to be the death of her if she doesn’t act. She sprints toward the redhead and smashes her against the tree. She hears the man behind her gasp as though he’s in pain. 

He screams, and she feels a pinch in the back of her neck. He comes flying in and she hardens at the last second. Fool. She jumps and kicks him into a tree.

Finally. Eren. Do what you do best. Go in all emotion, no thought. His titan screams and she’s ready. 

He swings, wildly, predictably. It’s easy to dodge him, to kick him. But when he throws her into that tree? Fuck, that hurts. She starts focusing on healing her arms. She needs them. She’s good with her legs, but she needs to be able to hit him. He’s going full tilt.

He manages to pin her to the ground. Just like you did all those years ago. Wait. Why is she thinking of you now? He throws a punch and she dodges. There’s enough force behind it that he busts his elbow and his hand. Again, with his right hand. Same result. 

She watches as his titan twitches on top of her, and she speculates that he’s probably ranting, hyping himself up inside his husk. He comes close, yells at her. Gross. But this time he’s wasting by not attacking is time that she has to fix what they had done. The twitching gets worse as his hands are further along in the healing process, but that’s enough. 

She uses her arms to push him back, the momentum to get out from under him. He tries to fight her using nothing but rage. That’s a shame. She had hoped he learned something when she trained him for those months in the cadet corps. She kicks him in the gut, sending him into a tree. Getting up, he almost hits her in response. 

Shit. His titan is faster than she expected. 

He goes to throw a punch with his left and she drops to the ground and tucks into herself for the roll. She stumbles backward when trying to get up. He roars before throwing another punch, and she becomes scared.

She just barely dodges his hit, but she needs to go before Mikasa or Levi makes it back to them. Lots of quick jabs, more like what she taught him, but he’s still too offensive. She hardens her fist and punches back, completely dislocating his jaw. In response, he sucker-punches her in the gut and sends her flying. 

Fuck, that hurts.

She notices just in time that he’s coming for her slumped form, and propels herself upwards. He knees the tree, hard, and she manages to get a decent space in between them. It’s time. She just hopes that she doesn’t kill him. She takes up her stance and kicks his head clean off. 

Hard to be a pain in the ass without a head. Seeing him like that, she almost feels sad for him. Just as she tears the skin away so she can hold him in her mouth, she hears Mikasa. 

That should be scary enough on her own, but Mikasa tends to make dumb decisions when he’s involved. Not that she isn’t doing a decent amount of damage. Ultimately, it isn’t until Mikasa slices the hamstring that she’s fucked. 

Mikasa… she always hoped that Mikasa would behave better than this, than going in headstrong like Eren. Mikasa starts going on about saving Eren, giving her the opportunity to try to punch her. If she can kill the Ackerman, better for her. 

When Mikasa doesn’t immediately follow, she figures that Levi must have caught up to her. If he’s with Mikasa, then Annie is really fucked. He’d reel in her destructive tendencies… Sure enough, Mikasa tries to distract her from the really dangerous one.

She carries on, then feints and punches. She absolutely was **not** expecting him to slice up her arm like that—who the fuck weilds their weapons like that?! Before she really has any time to think, he’s thrust two blades into her eyes. So that’s where his team learned it. She barely has time to protect her nape when he comes back down, carving into her, slicing each critical muscle and tendon. He must have seen the bodies.

She slumps backward, unable to hold herself up anymore. She’s fucking lucky she collapses against a tree. She can’t even process it—he’s moving too fast. Slicing her up with a speed that disables her from even hardening. She needs to protect herself, protect her nape. 

Her arms flop forward and her neck can no longer support her head. She’s exposed. 

She feels a pinch in her shoulder, but at this point, her left arm is healed enough that she can swat Mikasa away. 

“DON’T DO IT!”

She hears a sickening crack, but he still has enough momentum—or is it just straight-up obstinacy at this point?—that he manages to slice her jaw. 

Shit. Her mouth plops open and she feels as Eren is removed.

Fuck. _FUCK._

She failed. This was her chance… she failed. She risked everything on this one fucking mission. She just wants to go home! There’s nothing left for her here except heartbreak and disappointment.

❦

The Scouts have to turn in Eren, and they’ll be doing so through Stohess. If only Reiner and Bertolt had responded to her, she could act. As it is, she doesn’t know where they are, and she is sure as shit not doing this alone.

Although… she could grab Eren. The MPs are such lazy sacks of shit that they know nothing of how to deal with titans, much less _her_ titan. The problem is that once she makes it over Wall Sina, she’s in Wall Rose territory, and the Garrison and Survey Corpsmen _know_ how to fight titans. It would be even more dangerous now that they have to know about her titan.

She just wants… she just wants the freedom to be normal. To be nothing special. 

The carriage arrives, and so they salute as it passes. As soon as it is down the street, they all run to their positions.

“Annie,” she hears a loud whisper. 

Trotting back, through the alley, she comes across Armin, hidden by rain gear, staring at her with singular intensity.

Fear. She sees fear in his eyes. And not fear for Eren, but fear of her.

He knows.


	16. Assault on Stohess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ on the last day of love_   
>  _ my heart cracked inside my body _
> 
> Rupi Kaur

* * *

####  Two Days After the 57th Expedition - Stohess

You are in the carriage with Levi and Erwin ahead of the one with ~~Jean~~ Eren. Officially? You are here as Levi’s medical personnel. Unofficially you are here to deal with the Annie problem.

Levi had kicked up a fuss, saying it was too dangerous. It was… uncomfortable, to say the least, having to disclose the nature of your previous relationship with Annie, but he conceded that you had a greater chance of survival because of it.

The real struggle once you and Armin positively I.D.’d her was convincing Eren. He was so hellbent on believing that none of his friends would have done that to him. None of his friends would have mercilessly slaughtered his team like that. You had pointed out that if she had done all that, she obviously wasn’t one of his friends, and Eren spat back that it was you who didn’t know her. You would have slapped him had Levi not stopped you. Even Armin looked upset by Eren’s thoughtlessness. 

Unfortunately, this whole mess meant that you were to be “present” in the courtroom, and Erwin forced you to dress the part. Nothing too fancy, just straight-legged dress pants and a nice, pressed button-up. The clothes themselves are fine—they look good on you—but they’re uncomfortable for fighting in and they hug your body just so. Just enough for everyone to keep staring. And it’s not like you minded _some_ people staring, it was everyone else that made you uncomfortable. 

And _that_ is what makes things complicated. At least in your heart. You know that things are done between you and Bertolt. If there can’t be trust, what hope is there for a relationship? You feel horrible at the prospect that you hadn’t even tried to fix things… You want to tell yourself that you hadn’t the chance, that Levi had kept you too busy, but you know that was a lie. If you really had wanted to, you would have made a greater effort. You’d tell him about it when this whole Annie thing was all said and done. 

Should you tell him about the almost-kiss that you and Levi shared? It’s not like it actually happened… You two were drunk, right? Except Levi doesn’t get drunk and your vision sobered you (much to your disdain). Levi had brushed it off like you were just exhausted, so he made you sleep in his quarters while he stayed in his office. But the thought of waking up in another man’s bed after sharing an almost intimate moment with said man while you still hadn’t the courage to break off your relationship hounded you.

It is nice to be consumed with guilt over that instead of guilt over surviving, over not having been able to save your friends, but that’s like saying it’s nice to be spinning like a roast over a fire instead of actually on fire. 

A loud crash of thunder nearby rips you from your reflections and the three of you make your way to exit the carriage. 

“What the hell’s going on?! Escort Squad! Have a look!”

There is the distinct sound of soldiers running towards the commotion and gear being deployed. 

Levi exits first, holding a hand out for you before Erwin exits. Once out of the carriage, Levi pulls on your elbow and leans in.

“Whatever happens, I order you _not_ to die.”

You don’t answer, not verbally anyway.

“Nile! Deploy all troops immediately. We should assume that a titan has already appeared.”

Commander Dok starts ~~shouting nonsense~~ arguing about the inherent safety of Wall Sina, but you are distracted by two things. The first being that Levi has still yet to let go of your arm and his lingering touch is doing things to you. The second that Jean is tired of being in the carriage and is making his way out. You give Levi a look to communicate for him to drop your arm before making your way towards Jean. The MP guarding the carriage door tries physically pushing Jean back.

“Who told you to move, Yeager?!” 

“How ‘bout this damn wig said I could, moron?”

You place a hand on the MPs chest, pushing him away.

“Stand down, soldier,” you warn. He looks undeniably perplexed at both the mistaken identity and your attitude. You and Jean approach the Commander, waiting for him to direct you to the squad with your gear.

After being properly equipped, the two of you run down the streets to the sound of the commotion. The citizens of Stohess were frantically running, screaming, reacting better than the MPs that are just standing on rooftops staring at Annie. 

Jean remarks that he was glad to have chosen a more useful branch after all. Several streets over, you hear the steady sounds of your comrades fighting. You want to join them, but you know that if Eren hadn’t transformed, you needed to change that. Rounding a corner you see the demolished buildings and Armin urgently moving rubble. Hearing you guys, he turns around and calls for help. Armin explains that he believes Eren is dealing with a mental block that is prohibiting him from fighting. Getting closer, you see that Eren has been crushed by the building, and judging by the amount of blood you saw, he had gotten pierced by rebar or a wooden beam. Shit.

“MOVE.” 

Jean is visibly distressed, which turns into rage, and, hell, you're right there with him. Jean and Armin pull back the debris that covers Eren, and you place your hand on the back of his neck.

“Listen up, you motherfucker. You don’t get to do this—not now. _I_ was the one who trusted her, who loved her with my whole fucking being. I was the one who fucking kissed the mother fucking bitch who murdered our team! They weren’t just your team, they were my team, too! Stop wallowing and fucking do something!”

With that, you dive in.

_Annie, flipping him over. Condescending. Cold. Callous. Annie, flooding his memories. Annie, brutally killing Gunther, Eld, Petra, and Oruo. Annie, kicking his ass, almost killing him. Annie’s laugh at being discovered._

And then— 

_Annie fighting you, that night, in the field. Annie and you having fallen asleep together, her trying to wake you up. Annie finding you as you were being attacked. Saving you. Annie coming to check on you when you were in the med bay. Annie kissing you, leaving you. Annie. Murdering your family._

Pulling yourself out of it, you feel nauseated, light-headed. You’ve never done that before—show someone else _your_ memories. You are hazily aware of both Jean and Armin yelling at Eren, trying to convince him to fight. Jean stands up, ready to leave. Armin follows suit. You stay, partly to make sure it happens, partly because you need a fucking minute.

His eyes open slowly and he starts breathing heavier. It isn’t too long before you notice sparks of electricity flying around him and you get the hell outta dodge. The ground and building starts rumbling as Eren pulls himself up. His yell turns into a roar as he changes. The explosion is scorching, unbearably so, and rubble falls all around you. 

In an instant, he is up, running. You hook yourself onto his shoulder, knowing his focus was on Annie—only Annie. He runs, as fast as he can. The world shakes all around him with you on his shoulder. Once he turns onto the street where she is, you get off and go to a nearby roof. She barely turns around before he punches her, sending her flying into what you can only assume is a chapel for the Church of the Walls. He growls before sprinting at her with an all-consuming rage. 

She looks down at the people that she had crushed and you wonder if she felt any remorse for any of her victims. Pulling herself up, she starts running for the Wall. 

She is going to try to climb!

While the rest of the scouts try to surround her on the rooftops, you start to make your way to the top of Wall Sina.

You hear as Eren chases after her, growling, screaming, as he runs into buildings. He’ll be trying to attack soon. You can use that time she’s distracted to scale the Wall. You see a plaza ahead, and you know, you fucking know, that she’s going to go there to minimize who can and cannot interact with her. Hesitating, you witness as she uses a building to slow her momentum and turns to face Eren. People scream in horror as they went falling to their deaths after having been ripped out of that same building.

Does she even care? About human life? About anyone other than herself?

Finally! You make it to the wall. Sparing a glance at the fight, you are proud to see that Eren is actually using the techniques she taught him, that he is actually fighting with method, not blind fury.

You struggle to breathe as you fly up the side of the Wall. Finally, up there, you breathe easier. Turning to see the city, you are devastated by the destruction. There are fires everywhere. Houses, offices, shops all demolished, brought down to rubble. Annie and Eren are viciously attacking one another until she beats him to a bloody pulp. She starts making her way to you, but it isn’t quick enough. Eren is hopping, having lost one leg and another arm. Grabbing on to anything to propel him closer to her, closer to the traitor.

He tackles her, and when he starts to squeeze on her head, you feel a twinge of sorrow, of pity. He is going to torture her, tear her to shreds. She fucking betrayed you, but at one time you loved her. Assuming that you can ever _stop_ loving anyone. And feeling any kind of sympathy for her makes you sick. She hurt you, lied to you, used you, and for what? So she could murder hundreds? So she could help bring the titans in for humanity’s extinction?

The screams heard below are guttural, violent, animalistic. Even from on top of the wall, you feel the impacts of their collisions. You aren’t entirely sure, but it looks like she was crystallizing her fingers and toes into claws—Fuck, she’s going to try to climb. You hook yourself to the Wall for support and make your way so you were standing horizontally on the Wall’s side, staring down at her.

Her face is mangled, nose broken, eyes misshapen. 

“ANNIE! Stop this!”

Her eyes widen at your presence. She continues her climb, even as Eren leaps onto her and tears off her right leg. 

“ANNIE—IF IT COMES TO YOU OR HUMANITY, I’M GOING TO SAVE HUMANITY. DON’T MAKE ME KILL YOU!” 

She looks… scared. Heartbroken. You wonder if your eyes mirror hers. It feels like you were being torn in two.

You don’t even see or hear Mikasa scaling the wall or Levi behind you on top of the Wall. All you could see, all you could hear was Annie.

She shifts her eyes to the incoming threat that is Mikasa just as the latter adjusts her positioning to slice Annie’s fingers just below the crystallization. Her right hand falls hopelessly, and she spares one last glance at you before finding Mikasa again. As Annie descends, Mikasa briefly lands on her face before kicking off. Annie falls, eyes glued to the sky.

As soon as she's back on solid ground, Eren attacks. He brutally rips off one of her arms and it takes you a moment to realize that he tore off her head, too. There is so much steam from their wounds, it becomes hard to see things clearly. But you are certain that Eren is starting to make to tear her from her nape, to eat her. You feel as someone starts pulling you back up, and you are simultaneously relieved and aggravated to see Levi.

“What—what the hell are you doing here? I told you to stay off your leg?”

“Yeah, well. You can chastise me later.”

“I need to get down there! I need to stop him from eating her—”

“What?!” He groans, and you realize he has his gear on. Before you could stop him, he dove. 

Motherfucker’s gonna make his leg worse. He’s going to be out of commission for longer. But if anyone can stop Eren, he can. Regardless, it is time for you to join your teammates, and you start your own descent. 

Halfway down, the two titans start glowing a vibrant blue. The closer you get, the more it looks like their flesh is joining, meshing with each other. Were they healing… together? There is enough exposed tissue that you could hypothetically see it happening, but you aren’t sure if it was an intentional undertaking by either party. The glowing ceases and you see your Captain on Eren’s nape, slicing him from the titan. 

Once he has firmly placed Eren on the ground, you rush over to Levi, immediately haranguing him for using his gear at all. Mikasa and Armin go to tend to Eren while the rest of the Scouts stare at the scene before you, feeling utterly vanquished. 

Annie has managed to trap herself in a giant crystal enclosure, and upon closer inspection, it is unbreakable. Doesn’t stop Jean from trying though, from working through his feelings of betrayal. You kneel on the ground in front of her before reaching out.

_Her father, begging her, pleading with her. She was younger, a lot younger, and she looked dismayed that he’s asking this of her, that she wants to give in, but at the same time, she fucking hates him._

_ She’s… outside the Walls? There are titans everywhere, but her group does a decent job at avoiding them… It’s the same group that you had seen in Bertolt’s memories  _ (WHAT THE FUCK?!) _. A titan emerges from the ground, dark brown hair, black eyes, large mouth. It reaches for Reiner when the unknown kid pushes him out of the way. The titan grabs him and shoves him in its mouth._

_She’s distraught. She longs for something. Home, maybe? She finds Reiner and yells at him. She launches herself at him, attacking him. He manages to flip the situation and pin her in a headlock that you can tell is pressing up against her windpipe._

_She transforms into her titan and carries Bertolt and Reiner towards the wall, a horde of titans following as though she is commanding them. You feel her exhaustion as she gets out of her titan. Reiner transforms and takes them to the wall._

_She is in Mitras, following someone. He’s tall, lanky with a wide-brimmed hat and a long coat. He stops. Sees her. Confront her. She feels all-consuming fear before she attacks him and flees._

_And then there’s you. Asleep in the med bay. She wakes you up, feels a happy little hum when you greet her. You don’t even have to hear it to know what makes her heart stop, simultaneously fill with dread and hope. It becomes too much._

You’re crying. You don’t know why you’re crying, but your face is wet. Everyone is staring at you like you grew two heads, but you can’t think on it anymore because everything goes dark.

* * *

#### Stohess - Sannes 

Sannes is watching. It’s been more difficult to observe you once you entered the Scouts, not to say it was impossible. But this? Here? It’s easy.

He’s lightweight proud of the way you stood on the side of the wall, challenged her. Watching you bring yourself back to Earth was pleasant in its own right—there’s a certain grace to the way you move. 

It tickles him when you march up to Captain Levi and start yelling at him. Perhaps there’s something there? Maybe he’s reading too much into it—you did graduate with full medical training, and the lack of Levi in the field today could be explained if he had an injury. Regardless, he’ll have to investigate.

You walk up to the crystal, and he’s glad. He’s glad that that titan prevented them from accessing her, from finding out the truth. He’ll protect the Crown’s secrets at any cost, but it doesn’t mean he likes it. He hates it. He prefers when people don’t ask too many questions, but lately, the number of people asking questions has risen drastically. It worries him. He doesn’t want to kill all of you, but the closer you get to the truth, the more urgent it is that he disposes of you. You are all a threat to the King, to the steady peace and stability of the realm. 

You kneel in front of the crystal, and he’s intrigued. It’s not until your palm touches the crystal and your eyes start glowing that he knows.

You’ve accessed the power of the Oracle and you know how to use it. He needs to bring you in.


	17. Fare Thee Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _don't you know_   
>  _a woman's anguish_   
>  _could cause_
> 
> _**e x p l o s i o n s** _
> 
> _in other_   
>  _dimensions?_
> 
>   
> Amanda Lovelace, "- if you don't, you're going to find out"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Dink's Song (Fare Thee Well)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M8m4LyFSkE) is an American Folk Song that was first recorded by John Lomax in 1909 after hearing an African-American woman named Dink singing it. The song itself has been covered by a number of artists, some who add verses while others remove them.

* * *

####  Hours After the Attack on Stohess - Stohess Regiment Branch

_All is calm. There is a certain hazy quality to everything. The beautiful afternoon sun filters through the curtains, warming your bones. The house is clean—remarkably so. It’s small, but perfect for two people. On the round wooden table is a thin vase with a single peony. Its coloration is odd: Carolina blue that turns into creamy pink tips._

_There’s a melody in the background, one that your mom used to sing. If you concentrate hard enough, you can remember the lyrics._

  
_  
If I had wings like Noah’s dove  
I’d fly the river to the one I love  
_

  
_An overwhelming sense of security and love washes over you, fills you to the brim, and overflows. For the first time in years, you are truly happy._

  
_  
Early this morning, drizzling rain,  
And in my heart, I felt an aching pain  
_

  
_The door opens, and he walks in. He looks at you like you are everything like you are the embodiment of his hopes, his dreams, his love. Like he was wandering the desert for decades and you are his oasis. He approaches you, reaches for you, and you let him. His touch is so tender, not like he’s afraid to break you, but more like he’s worshipping you. Like he wants to savor the moment with you despite having shared it with you again and again._

  
_Now one of these mornings, it won’t be long  
You’ll call my name, and I’ll be gone  
_

  
_He pulls you to him and he captures your lips in a kiss so tender you wonder how you lived without him before. This man has lived through such horrors, such tragedies, and yet he still takes time to revel in you. For the first time in years, you feel at peace. You found your home. You realize that home is wherever he is and you accept it with your whole being._

  
_  
So show us a bird flying high above  
Life ain’t worth living without the one you love  
_

  
_When you pull away, it’s not his face you see._

  
_  
Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well  
_

  
_Ash falls from the sky, the sun now a dangerous red from the flames. Your house is broken, bloody. You feel fractured, lost. You know better. You know what hope tastes like and you’re determined to taste it again. You won’t succumb to this hopeless facade. You know better._

_Bertolt grabs you from behind, leaving your chest open for Reiner to plunge a dagger into your still-beating heart. You call out for the man from before._

❦

You don’t recognize where you are when you awake. It is well furnished, disgustingly so. The mattress is nicer than any you had slept on before. The dresser is of high-quality wood, the armoire the same. There is a leather chair opposite the bed. You looked out the window, finding the sun setting over the cityscape of Stohess, casting deep shadows in its golden light.

You are afraid—your dream shook you. It is definitely a dream, but the emotions that it brought up in you were clear, vivid. Something you want to chase, something you need to address. Feeling an overwhelming sense of betrayal and loneliness, you perch atop the dresser so you can watch the sun’s descent.

Without even thinking about it, you begin to sing the song your mom used to sing to you. You were never really good at it. Your mom used to have a voice like a singing bird, so beautiful and smooth. Yours was lower, but that never stopped you from joining her, from singing with your whole heart. She loved spending her time with you like that. You missed her with an ache you had grown to ignore. 

“Where did you learn that?”

“WHAT THE SHIT, LEVI, DON’T YOU EVER KNOCK?!” Your heart is pounding in your chest like it is desperately trying to escape and crawl under the bed. He must have entered when you were singing, but he could have at least said something, the hellspawn! Your mind flickers back to your dream and blood rushes to your face. 

“So?”

You pause for a while, enjoying the silence (and giving your heart the chance to calm).

“My mom grew up around here. Did I ever tell you that?”

He clicks his tongue, but he doesn’t say anything. It isn’t often that you willingly gave up information like that to him. 

“Her father wanted her to be a musician. Said she’d be more likely to catch a husband and move to Mitras that way. Instead, she learned medical training. She wanted to help people. She used to sneak into the Capital and make her way into the Underground. She’d help make sure that orphans were taken care of, and if anyone else needed care, she’d care for them, too. My dad was supposed to stop her, but he didn’t. He’d just watch over her. He used to tell me that he fell in love with her because she’d sing when she worked.”

You miss the way Levi’s eyes flash in recognition, and he doesn’t say anything more. He isn’t sure if he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want you to know just yet about his past in the Underground, or if he just found it peaceful the way you spoke of your past life.

“Where are we?” 

“Stohess. Eren and the others are in the room over.”

“Why are you here? With me, I mean?”

He ponders your question and gives you a quasi-bullshit answer. “You’re less annoying than the other brats.”

The look you give him makes it clear you know he isn’t being entirely truthful, but you wouldn’t press it. Sighing, you push yourself off the dresser.

“Where’s Erwin?” His heart drops a little at your apparent desire to see the other man until you clarified. “I know who the Armored Titan is.” Your eyes are devoid of the previous warmth. “I’m pretty certain I can identify who the Colossal Titan is, too.”

❦

You two make your way to Commander Erwin. He should’ve been done being interrogated at this point. He is walking down a long corridor in your guys’ direction, followed by two Scouts.

“Sir,” you salute. Even if he wanted you to call him Erwin, it was better to be formal in front of others. You didn’t want others to be privy to the closeness that you two shared. Hell. If you learned anything in the past 72 hours, it was that you were too trusting.

“I know who the Armored Titan is and I can almost positively I.D. the Colossal Titan.” 

His eyes flash, but before either of you can speak, the bell start ringing. Titans.

❦

Immediately, preparations had gone underway. Given the recent attack with Annie, the MPs wanted to pretend they were willing to help with the titan problem. Everything moved with a sickening speed, and you kept having to remind both of your superiors that Levi’s leg wouldn’t heal if he didn’t take time to heal.

Needless to say, Levi is pissed.

“You have no right to tell me I can’t be there!”

“Excuse me, but who do you think I am? I’m not some pretty little doll you can take out and admire and ask fortunes from when you please! At this point in time, I am your doctor, and I am telling you that if you don’t rest you’ll fuck up your leg for a hell of a lot longer.”

“You’re also a soldier, so listen when I tell you to stand down.”

“No.”

“NO?!”

“I’m sorry, did you suddenly go deaf? I said no. If you go out there you’ll be a hero tomorrow and a cripple by the end of the day. Humanity needs you for longer than just the next 24 hours, Levi.”

The glare he shoots your way would have made you cower in your boots had you not already been emotionally spent. You know him. He won’t hurt you, as much as he would huff and puff. If he did? There are ways you could get him to let go. 

You honestly felt such a deep betrayal from Bertolt and you hate yourself for still loving him. You can’t fucking stop and it pisses you off. There is a desperate need in you to feel something other than those two emotions, so you kind of revel in this bitter anger you are holding on to.

“Levi, if you don’t like it, fucking fight me,” you try spitting as much venom as you can, trying to get a reaction.

He looks at you like he wanted to rip your throat out, pounce on you. In a second he is in your face, challenging you, a dangerous hunger in his eyes.

“Don’t tempt me, brat.”

You aren’t entirely sure if you didn't like the way that made you feel, but you push it aside. It’s not the time for that. Yet.

“I’ll go in your stead. I’m not an equal fighter to you by any means, but I know how those two tick.”

It's his turn to give orders.

“No.”

“No? Why?”

He pinches his nose and walks away from you. “Because. After we deal with the titans—”

“Titans that don’t respond to me, mind you.”

A warning glare. 

“After we deal with the titans,” he grits out, “we have to deal with Reiner and Bertolt. Given your power, you would be at risk of being kidnapped. You would be of great use to them.”

“Oh, yeah,” you scoff. “Except that I would sooner die than work for them in their plan to destroy humanity.”

It is a second, just a second, but pain was there. Oops. 

“I won’t let that happen,” he says, some of the bite gone.

“The kidnapping or my death?”

“Either.”

When did your guys’ working relationship turn into this? Into arguments where you openly and flagrantly disobeyed your superior? Where he _let_ you? At what point did you go from wanting to get under his skin to hating the prospect of working without him? 

You don’t like it. You don’t like how you trusted him so completely, how you wanted to do whatever he needed of you. You don’t like how you didn’t trust yourself anymore. When did you erect that wall?

“Okay. Here’s the deal,” you propose. He only offers a recalcitrant glare in response. “I’m your doctor until that heals. You tend to play the hero. I mean, you look great doing it, but you are unnecessarily hard on your body. It is literally my job to make sure you can fight another day. So. If you are that hellbent on going and fighting those two idiots, I’m afraid I will have to go with you. I already need you to use a crutch to counteract that stupid fucking move from earlier.”

He turns around and huffs. No response. 

“The Scouts could use me out there despite the risk of being taken.”

You aren’t helping. You know it. But arguing with him smothered those parts of you that are on fire. What an insufferable asshole you had become.

“Fine. We’ll stay and I’ll rest. Don’t leave my side.”

You try to ignore the way that your heart stutters.

❦

Retrieving Hange fell to you. They stopped listening to Moblit a half-hour ago, and Levi was amused at the prospect of you yelling at them in your current mood. While he gathered the “special guest,” you went to the library.

“Hange. It’s time to go.”

“One minute!”

“Hange, the cart is leaving right now. Without you.”

“Oh!” They grab the rock they had been studying and run to the convoy. 

Levi is pleased with their expression when they realize you had lied (it was a little white lie). Moblit's to be driving the cart. On one side would be Armin, Eren, Mikasa, and you. The other side would be Hange, Pastor Nick of the Order of the Walls, and Levi. 

Shortly after gathering, Erwin gives the command to move out to Ehrmich District. 

“This whole time… Titans had been protecting us from other titans,” Armin speculates as you pull away from Stohess. 

No one remarks, everyone wrapped up in their own thoughts. Feeling eyes on you, you snap your head up from your lap and see Pastor Nick staring at you like you are a monster.

“Can I help you?”

“You—You’re the Verite.”

“You know of me?”

He shuts up when he realizes he said too much.

“Tell us what you know about her,” Levi commands.

“I can’t.”

“That’s another thing he knows but won’t tell us. He knows about the titans in the Walls,” Hange informs everyone.

In a flash, Eren is standing. “Wait, wait! Back up! You’re joking, right? This guy knew? He knew and he kept quiet?” 

“‘Fraid so. Just about sums up where we are with him.”

Levi’s eyes flicker to you before he speaks.

“You know about her, right? You know what she can do?”

Pastor Nick pales but refuses to say more.

“If he’s so unwilling to talk, I could just do a deep dive of his mind. I’m curious to see what precious secrets he’s giving value over that of humanity.”

When he doesn’t respond, you look between Hange and Levi, intent clear on your face. Hange shrugs and you stand up.

“If it’s any consolation, your honor will remain intact,” you inform him coldly. You grab his face and lean in. His eyes are wide in fear and

_There’s a book. It’s old, thick, detailing the history of the Walls. It shows hundreds upon hundreds of titans hardening to form the Walls and infrastructure you have today._

_ A spiritual event. Many people—mostly politicians, priests, and military personnel—on their knees, praising a black-haired woman on the stage. She looks regal, otherworldly. She turns her eyes and looks at  _ you _._

_Christa, from afar. It’s a ranch, a nice property, lush landscaping._

_You, in Trost. Your graduation. Pastor Nick looks to his right and there’s… Sannes. Both, watching you with extreme interest._

_Hange is dangling Pastor Nick from the edge of Wall Sina. Shaking him, threatening him. He lets go of their grip and spreads his arms, a clear signal he’s willing to die for these secrets._

Looking back to him, he’s broken out in a cold sweat. He looks like he's betrayed everything he knew. Levi and Hange are looking at you with awe and you don’t get it. You make to sit back down, noticing Armin’s avoiding eye contact and Mikasa and Eren are waiting expectantly.

“The walls are made of Titans that hardened themselves a century ago. We need to find Christa. She might know something that he’s unwilling to tell us, or she’s like me and unaware that she was being followed.”

“Followed? By who?”

“Djel Sannes. I met him years ago when I was looking for answers,” your eyes flit to Levi, trying to communicate that it isn’t safe to explain in the presence of Pastor Nick. “Anyways. We should layer him up. He’s experiencing diaphoresis, most likely due to stress. Don’t want him dying on us.”

For the first time since experiencing your gift, you feel like a weapon, like you aren’t just a victim of circumstances. You don’t feel like you’re being used, and you like it and it terrifies you. You wouldn’t let any more of you guys die because someone wanted to keep their petty little secrets. 

How many people had Annie killed? Or Reiner? Or—the one that hurt the most—Bertolt? How many people were they directly responsible for? How many were they indirectly responsible for? Your mom? Eren’s? Armin’s grandfather? Would your dad have died had none of this happened? Would you have activated this godforsaken curse?!

Why were they doing this? How did they come from outside the Walls? Was there a city of people outside the Walls? If there was, why would they want to attack you guys? Wipe you out? Why did those three want you all dead?

If that were the case, then how could Bertolt even have fallen in love with you. You were firmly one of _them_ , one of the people he was working so hard to kill? How could he have kissed you, held you, loved you, _fucked you_ when he was fighting for your death, your extinction? 

You feel a sharp pain on your shin. Looking up, you realize Levi had kicked you.

“Tch. Cut that out.”

When did Levi get to know you so well?

* * *

#### Ehrmich District

Upon arriving, the refugees are still coming in. Pastor Nick looks as though he had never seen such great human suffering. Huh. He probably never has. He has the privilege, the luxury of never seeing the people affected by his silence. Your heart aches for these people. It's five years ago all over again.

Levi kicks him, pushing him forward to confront those he and his religion have abandoned.

❦

You resolve yourself then to do something about Bertolt. You loved him. Deeply. You had let him into the most intimate parts of you. And as much as you hated yourself for it, you couldn’t regret the love you gave him. You couldn’t regret the love you held for him. And it broke your fucking heart because you knew deep fucking down that this enemy of humanity was still a person under all those monstrosities. Someone who had deserved to know.

So you write him a letter, seal it, and, on a hunch, place it in a small metal container that once held candied apricots. You hand it to Armin, trusting him to deliver that piece of your heart.

And you break.


	18. Levi Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _One day I looked at you, and it suddenly occurred to me how beautiful your smile was. I heard music in your laughter; I saw poetry in your words. You asked me why I had that look on my face, as though a shadow had fallen across its sun-drenched landscape, heavy with premonition, dark with revelation. The second I tried to tell myself I wasn't in love was the moment I realised I was._
> 
> Lang Leav, "Moment of Truth"

* * *

#### Levi

He’s not entirely sure what to make of you.

When he first met you, you were just this shitty kid with an interesting story. Honestly, he just thought Erwin wanted you to be his pretty little secretary, but something in your story struck a chord. Maybe it was your sincerity. Your hesitant but undeniable trust. Your instincts were pretty fucking good for being a shitty kid.

❦

He had forgotten about you until after Trost. According to Erwin, you were atop the wall when the Colossal Titan appeared, and you had tried to attack him. Later, you had been intercepted by a titan, but it didn’t eat you. In fact, it wasn’t until a comrade had later come across your body that you were discovered to be alive and in one piece. You managed to help execute a last-ditch plan to blind titans with buckshot while others sliced through their napes. When two didn’t fall, you jumped off the platform with nothing but that gun. You lived. After that, you had managed to convince Pixis of that shit’s usefulness and had actually been instrumental in getting that titan to cooperate. It blew his mind, if he was being honest.

Here you were, a fresh graduate with more luck than most of the soldiers he encountered daily. He was intrigued.

Erwin required his presence as the former argued with Nile about the kid. If they could actually use him, it would be a gamechanger. Of course, Nile just saw something to be afraid of. It wasn’t anything but disappointing, a commander who never knew true fear. But being by Erwin’s side allowed for him to observe you. 

It was obvious that you were experiencing some significant survivor’s guilt, but the fact that you were alive was invariably advantageous. You brought critical analysis of their workings, proposing that there were actually forces working for humanity’s demise. One morning, you came out with your hair cut. Obvious that you had done it yourself, but it was endearing. Not that you’d ever hear him admit it. 

Shitty glasses had begun their experiments on the titans and had somehow roped you into them. He was completely taken by surprise when they approached him later and told him about how the titans didn’t respond to you in the least. He hit them, hard, when he found out they nearly shoved you into one of the titan’s open mouths. 

Erwin later called you to him. It bothered him when he saw that Mike had escorted you with that pleased fucking smile on his face. Mike had always greeted people with a sniff, but the smile on his face was different. Did you smell… pleasant? He was curious, but he wouldn’t stoop so low as to smell you himself. Erwin wanted to know about your gift. He called it a gift, anyway. The way you looked when you talked about it made it seem more like a curse. He was hesitant about letting Erwin touch you, and he couldn’t say that it was entirely because he was afraid of the effects of your curse. When you let go, Erwin had this smile about him… He smiled like you had shown him the world, like you could give him more. 

Levi wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t. 

Then it was decided you were needed in determining whether they’d be taking on that Yeager shit. You held yourself well—professional. Tall. Like you weren’t afraid. It was relieving to see such a young soldier conducting herself as such. The second those MP bastards had pulled their guns on you, he wanted to react. But you turned back like you weren’t even frightened, despite seeing it clearly in your eyes. How were they going to utilize you as a quasi-truth detector when your eyes were so passionate? It was a relief when you joined his side and had breathed a little easier next to him. ~~He liked when you felt safe.~~

❦

It was already decided that they would work to rile the kid up. His report made it clear that he was hot-headed, prone to anger. Levi would jump in and kick the shit out of the kid, making the argument that he could kill the kid if necessary. A small part of him hoped you wouldn’t shy away from him after you saw it.

While Erwin stayed in Trost, Levi was to escort you and Eren to the headquarters. Oruo, with that horrible fucking impression of him, tried to intimidate you. It amused him when you weren’t phased. When Oruo tried it again with Eren, you laughed. It… He wanted to hear it again. When they arrived, Levi took a lap around the property. When he returned, his squad was lounging about, not making a bother to tidy things. But he couldn’t find you. Petra informed him that you wanted to know where cleaning supplies were. When he entered the room you were working on, he was pleasantly surprised. It was clear that you wanted space, but he just needed you to look at him again. Just a glance and he’d leave you alone.

❦

You ended up spending most of your days cleaning, barely interacting with the others. It wasn’t malicious. You didn’t need to fill the void with meaningless chatter. If only more soldiers would be like you.

A week or so later, they were gathered around one of the tables in the mess hall. You were nowhere to be seen, but he still left a teacup for you. They were chatting. It was pleasant. Nothing like the conversations he’d have with Isabel or Farlan, but close. You entered with a book. You gladly took the tea offered and sat at the table next to them. He didn’t want to admit that if you had asked, he’d have shuffled over for you to join them. When Eren mentioned not remembering how his powers work, he immediately thought of you. It wasn’t until after he spoke that he realized you might have actually wanted to keep that information close to your chest. But then you said it—

_“With the fact that Captain Levi trusts you, I am extending my trust.”_

You trusted him. You didn’t know much about him, but you trusted him. Which he then stomped all over when he mentioned your ability to maybe see into the future. ~~Whoops~~. 

❦

After Sawney and Beane were killed, Erwin went around attacking his squad. You were the only one to give an [intelligent] answer. He liked counting you among his squad. When you didn’t return with them, he was reluctant to admit that he missed your quiet presence. The recruits returned with you and Petra in tow. The undeniable giddiness in your features stung, but he couldn’t identify why. Petra later told him about how you had a ‘Bertolt’ that made you flustered. He didn’t want to admit that bothered him. He tried to distance himself from you, but Erwin assigned you to be an assistant to them both, probably as an effort to keep you close. He appreciated Erwin’s shrewd intellect—there was a definitive plan to bring the infiltrators in to be observed. You were something special and needed to be protected from them. 

You arrived, in his space, smelling like… something floral. Something foreign that smelled like freedom. He could see why Mike liked to stand around you. Then you didn’t object to any of his work conditions. When he showed you how to make tea, you said that it was easy, that your mother used to make it the same way. He wouldn’t admit that it warmed his heart at the thought something he did would be familiar for you. He wouldn't admit a lot about you.

At dinner that night, he invited—in his own way—for you to sit with him and the squad. Without needing to speak, you understood what he meant. You chose to sit next to your… Bertolt. The name felt dirty in his mouth. Petra confirmed as much with her giggling and it was a topic of conversation that night at the table. He was watching you ~~with jealousy~~ when he saw your eyes shift from happiness to something scared, something pleading. Without thinking, he decided to play the part of a dick superior. He would be lying if he denied the surprise as you took him up on it.

You felt that you couldn’t trust them. You were having a crisis and it was hurting you because from what he understood they were your longest friends. But you trusted him. Without thinking about it, you trusted _him_. He felt like an ass when he pressed you for why, but his heart stopped a bit when you told him that it was implicit. ~~He knew he had to keep you safe.~~

❦

He caught himself feeling bad about adding more work to your schedule, but you didn’t complain. You looked relieved, almost. If you had asked for time off, he would have given it to you, gladly. But you never did. You had only gone to your own bed two nights during that entire time. He knew you had trouble sleeping, and the fact that it came to you while you were with him made him feel… whole. The closer you guys got to the 57th Recon Mission, the more anxious you got, the more eager you were to take on the burden of finding the truth. You wanted to save lives, to spare pain. He identified with that, he did. But it concerned him greatly when you would train with Shitty Glasses and you’d return with a nosebleed. 

❦

When Eren accidentally transformed, he was late. He knew he was late. He wouldn’t even be upset if you had just given up for the evening. But there you were with the tea perfectly made and perfectly placed on the desk. Looking at your face, he hated what he saw, but he enjoyed how you snapped at him when he asked whether you had been crying. Instead, he got to know about an allergy of yours—Thyme? You didn’t look at him like he was stupid when he asked for more information. He made a mental note to look into the herbs you mentioned—Rosemary, Sage, Lavender, but definitely not Thyme. He pressed to find out why you were crying. He immediately kicked himself for feeling relieved that it was a romantic problem. He was such an asshole. 

❦

The day before the expedition, he had pushed for them to all be able to enjoy the day. You had brought out games—he’d been looking for those—and everyone was having a great time. You watched everyone as intently as he did. You were leaning up against Bertolt and he ignored the voice that told him he’d have preferred it if you were leaning up against him. To distract himself, he made himself a cup of tea. He made you one, too, but it’s not because you were special or in need of something to soothe your anxiety. As he approached the table, he heard you absentmindedly beating that blonde kid at chess. You weren’t even paying attention, but sure enough, when he looked at the board, you were right. Mate in four.

You were scribbling in that journal you always kept. He had been curious about it, but he didn’t want to bother you about it. Now that it was out, he wanted to see how much you trusted him. You handed it over without hesitation, and Bertolt immediately tensed up. He actively had to hide the feeling of satisfaction. Flipping through it, you had notes, dates, detailed descriptions of everything you saw, either past or future. He wondered what it would be like to experience one of those with you. He hoped that if you ever did, it would be pleasant. He didn’t want to see you in pain. And then a sketch of him caught his eye. It was quick, just basic linework, but it was of him working. And then another—his eyes. He came across another one, where he was asleep in his office chair. It was so delicately detailed, like you needed to get it just right. He asked you about it, and you admitted it was when he had fallen asleep while you two had been working. ~~He wouldn’t admit that it was deeply, deeply satisfying when Bertolt reacted to that.~~ You sketched when you were stressed? A lot of these were of him. Were you stressed with him? Or was being with him like stress relief? It made him uncomfortable thinking about it, and he was about to hand the journal back when he saw the miniscule anxiety in your eyes as Bertolt held you close. He left a note for you to trust your gut.

That night, he had a nightmare that you died. Erwin’s team had been crushed by a horde of titans, and you were with them. He needed you safe, he needed you with him. He went to rearrange the formation a bit—just pulling you back from Front Center Rank to Rear Center Rank so you could be safe—but then you barged in with wide eyes and wet hair and you announced that his team would die. It was a stab to the chest. No. He would do everything he could to protect them. He couldn’t let them suffer fates similar to Isabel and Farlan. He joined the fucking Corps to prevent that from happening. Erwin then wanted you to be in the most dangerous position, at least if your visions were anything to go by ~~(and honestly, to him, they were)~~. Levi was fucking livid. He needed you safe. Erwin said to make sure you had the fastest horse? He knew of no faster horse than Guinevere. Erwin would be pissed—he loved that horse—but he’d get over it. If not, Levi could always break one of Erwin’s legs.

❦

During the expedition, it was both a relief and a horror to see you. When they entered the forest, he just prayed to gods he didn’t even believe in that you would be safe. He wanted to hug you when he saw you with Erwin, even if it looked like you wanted to murder him. Being around you was like being hit with lightning but in the most pleasurable way possible. As the bolts went off, he caught your eyes and it took all his willpower not to kiss you then. 

After the scream, you jumped in to murder titans before Erwin gave the order. It was unparalleled at that moment, your rage. It spoke to an earlier version of him, one more naive about the world, one still full of ambitious hope about outside the Underground. Once they were all gone, everyone was red from the steam. They were used to it at that point, but that didn’t stop you from giving everyone water and painkillers. When you approached him, anger and hurt in your eyes while demanding he care for himself, he found himself in awe of you. He was unused to it—someone being so fiercely dedicated to being useful that they would be deliberately insubordinate. 

❦

He fucked up his ankle, he knew it, but it didn’t bother him as much as the loss of his team, his family. He came out of the forest with Mikasa and Eren and the first thing he saw was you. His pain was mirrored in your eyes. You stayed by his side, you let him use you as a crutch while he tried to follow your advice. They were your family, too.

❦

That night, you brought him tea, just as he had ordered. But you had also brought his old bottle of whiskey. He didn’t get drunk, but he enjoyed the taste. It was amusing, the possibility that you would finish the whole bottle, but he knew that he’d be joining you. You ordered him to shower so you could care for his leg, and he wanted you to accompany him. He just wanted to feel you next to him, to hold you, to mourn together. He wanted you to know that you didn’t have to shoulder it alone ~~(and he needed to know that he didn’t have to, either)~~. 

When he exited, you were there, two drinks in. Your skin was flush, your lips were pouty, and there was something he refused to identify in your eyes. It took him a moment to realize that you lost your family, and instead of spending that time with Bertolt, you were spending it with him. He let you worry over him ~~and he wouldn’t admit that he loved the pout of your lips as you worked~~ and he enjoyed listening to you talk about being raised by drunken Garrison soldiers. You started crying. He wanted to pull you in, hold you, but he didn’t know if that would be crossing a boundary. He didn’t want to lose you just yet, so he just awkwardly pats your head but—

_He was suddenly outside the Walls again. He didn’t know what happened to the rest of the Survey Corps, but you were there and that was okay. They ran into only one titan as they pushed, further than they ever had before. It was so clear, so fresh, so invigorating it was heartbreaking. They finally came across hills made from sand, and a large wall, nothing as impressive as the Walls, but it looked entirely out of place. They went up a hill and there was easily the most breathtaking scene he had ever seen. Water, as far as the eyes could see. If he concentrated enough, he heard the birds as they communicated above them all. He could smell the salty quality in the air. He could hear the crashing of the waves. And then you looked at him, he couldn’t tell if it was present you or future you, but you looked like you wanted to kiss him, and he almost gave in._

Snapping back to reality, so close to you, smelling nothing but _you_ , he almost lost it. But it looked like you wanted it, too. Then he smelled it—the whiskey. ~~If~~ **When** he kisses you, he wants you to be sober and to only taste like you. So you two stayed and talked about what it could be, _when_ it could be until you fell asleep on him. You deserved a proper night’s sleep, otherwise, he would have loved to keep your head in his lap, feeling your steady breathing, the steady reminder of your life. He carried you to bed and ended up sitting next to you on the floor until he heard you stirring.

❦

When Annie attacked Stohess, you ran out of his line of sight. He hated it. But he talked to Shitty Glasses about your visions, about the future. They explained their theory of time-space and he wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe that you two would make it to that place, that you would look at him like that one day. He ~~knew~~ hoped you would make it to that point with him. When Erwin was arrested, he made his way to the Wall to watch. He didn’t expect to see you there, standing on the side, determined to end it. Determined to not kill the woman you once loved, determined to not have to choose between humanity or her because he knew that you would choose humanity but that it would kill you if you did. ~~He wanted to experience that kind of love, but he would take any kind of affection you could afford a damned man like him~~.

You shouted that Eren was going to eat her, and he did what you needed, even if he hated it. He could pretend that he did it because her life was proof of the Survey Corps’ innocence, but he knew the truth. You knelt down in front of the crystal that held her and touched it like you were praying. Your eyes started glowing and you looked absolutely ethereal. He didn’t believe in any god, but he could believe in you. He caught you before you collapsed, but he doubted you knew that.

❦

He was worried about you. Never before had your powers knocked you out for so long. Eren had already woken up, but you were still out. And then he heard that song, _that fucking song_ , that he used to hear in the Underground. This woman from above… His mom used to joke that he had a crush on her. Despite being from above, she was so kind. She made sure that all the kids were cared for, had proper food, were healthy. She had always come down with that song, so heartbreakingly sweet. She had stopped coming by around the same time that his mom died. 

Hearing that song fall from your lips was as close to heaven as he had gotten, or so he was sure. You had a different register from her, but it was beautiful to listen to. He came in, and you mustn’t have heard him because he startled you. But before he spoke, he was treated by a pleasant sight. You told him about your mom and it clicked for him—your mom was the woman who used to care for the children of the Underground. You asked that question—

_“Why are you here? With me, I mean?”_

He wanted to say that he was worried, that he needed you to be okay and that he found comfort in your presence, but all that came out of his mouth was, “You’re less annoying than those other brats.”

You didn’t believe him and he knew it. But you didn’t press it and he was glad. He watched as your eyes were stripped from feeling. There was a wall where there hadn’t been.

_“Where’s Erwin? I know who the Armored Titan is. I’m pretty certain I can identify who the Colossal Titan is, too.”_

When you told him that it was Reiner and Bertolt, he didn’t find pleasure in it. He didn’t relish in the destruction of your guys’ relationship, in his rival. He felt for your hurt, the betrayal you felt. It was killing you. You loved so easily. He saw it earlier in your life—you trusted so easily, too. And they stomped all over it. They took your kindness and destroyed it. It hurt him to see you in such pain. It hurt him that your wall was up, leaving him in the cold, but he knew it was something you needed to do. 

❦

There were titans in Wall Rose. He needed to act. It was probably those traitorous shits. He couldn’t understand how someone had the pleasure of being able to call you theirs and then destroy everything you held dear. He needed to stop them before the cracks in you shattered. But you weren’t letting him. ~~He was lying to himself if he tried to deny how attractive you standing up to him like this was~~. He didn’t like arguing like this. You were being intentionally destructive, hoping you would break or, worse, that he would help break you. He didn’t want to be the one to break you, he wanted to be the one who helped put you back together. When you told him that humanity needed him for more than 24 hours, he heard the undercurrent: _You_ needed him for more than 24 hours. He needed you to say it. He needed to hear it fall from your lips.

_“Levi, if you don’t like it, fucking fight me."_

You were daring him, challenging him. You wanted him to take you, to make you forget about him. He wanted to, _fuck_ he wanted to. But he needs it to be explicit. He needs to hear you say it. He needs to hear you say that you need him, that you want him. _Fuck_ he needed to hear it. He had decades controlling his outer appearance, otherwise he was certain you would see it, how fucking needy you made him. He couldn’t even afford to hate it. You were pushing him—you wanted to die, and it broke his fucking heart, what little was left. He wouldn’t see that happen. He couldn’t. So you offered a compromise.

_“Okay. Here’s the deal: I’m your doctor until that heals. You tend to play hero, I mean you look great doing it, but you are unnecessarily hard on your body. It is literally my job to make sure you can fight another day. So. If you are that hellbent on going and fighting those two idiots, I’m afraid I will have to go with you. I already need you to use a crutch to counteract that stupid fucking move from earlier.”_

He turned around because this was as good as it was going to get for him at the moment. You weren’t going to say it—you couldn’t, not yet—but you were offering yourself to stay by his side. You were trusting him to keep you safe. You were trusting yourself with his health. You were keeping him safe. He’ll fucking take it. He’ll take it any fucking day. 

❦

Later, Pastor Nick revealed he knew about you. What was there to you? Why were you of interest to a priest who knew secrets of the Walls? Who were you? But Pastor Nick wasn’t playing ball. Four Eyes already indicated that he didn’t respond to threats of torture or death, but they already had an advantage: you. It was eerie, seeing your face twist into a cold indifference, into that of a soldier, a weapon. It was obvious to him that you were fed up with lies, with secrets. It was then that he realized if you asked him anything, he would gladly give it. You grabbed the priest’s face and leaned in with an intensity he’d never seen on you. You still offered the man his honor as a priest because it was that important to you that someone’s mind stay their own. Your eyes began glowing again and he looked at Hange to make sure they were seeing the same thing as him. You were… otherworldly. 

You revealed the secrets, at least in part, like it was nothing. But the news that you were—that you probably still are—being followed hits him like a lead weight. He knows of Sannes. He’s pathetic, too duty-bound, but he’s dangerous. Levi needs to know how long he’s been following you. He looks back to you and you are hardened, sharpened. Like you discovered the weight your curse carried. He’s starting to miss the softer parts of you. You start ruminating—your eyes are always so expressive to him, so full of life and love—and he kicks you because anything else, and these brats will know something’s up. 

❦

Later, you stray from his side, but he knows where you are so he doesn’t mind. He sees you writing something in your journal, tear the page out, stick it in a metal tin, and hand it to Armin. You look like you’re giving a piece of you away, some part of you that he can never access. Maybe that’s the case. But he’s certain there’s a part of you only _he_ knows, and he’ll hold on to that part as long as he can.

❦

They have to separate, go off to kill the invading titans and then the traitors. He knows it’s killing you—not being there to confront them, to ask them why. He doesn’t know what’s better for you. Getting that closure and potentially killing them, or staying back and letting them go off. As far as he knows, the goodbye you had given them before the 57th was good, as far as last words go. But he can’t really speak to it. You’re vacant. You can’t ride, so he does. He has you ride in front because he doesn’t know if you have the strength to hold on. But you lean into him as he takes you to safety and he knows that you need this more than anything. 

He wants to take you to Trost, but he’s uncertain of the safety of doing so. He’s wary of being too close to Mitras and Wall Sina in general after discovering you’re being followed. He ends up settling on the castle. It’s within Wall Rose territory, but titans don’t sense you and he doubts that they’ll come after just one person. At least there he knows he can keep you safe. Worst case scenario he moves you to the cellar. He supposes that he can set up a rudimentary shelter down there anyway. He catches a soldier heading to Erwin’s position and tells him to deliver the news. 

You’re quiet on the ride, and sometimes he’s unsure if you’re awake, but you’ll make an intentional comment or sound to let him know you’re okay. You’re still leaning into him and he hopes you can’t feel his heart. 

_“Where are we going?”_

“Home. For now, anyway.”

Arriving, he carries you inside. You’re awake, but it’s clear that you’re exhausted. You just watch him with curious eyes as he sets you on the counter in the kitchen and prepares tea. It’s not quite the comfortable silence he had grown used to, but he’ll take it all the same. It’s more contemplative on both your parts. He doubts you know what to do with yourself as much as he knows what to do with himself. The kettle whistles and he pours both of you cups. You take it without hesitating. He stands next to you, considering all of the events of his life that led him here to this moment, to you.

You finish your tea faster than he did, and you nearly stumble when you go to wash it. He catches you, and it’s clear that the both of you are acutely aware of how close you are. He lets go, but your hands linger on him for several seconds too long. When you remove your fingers, you leave a wake of burning. He wonders if you know. You hurry to the sink where you clean your cup and try to make your way down the hall. He finishes and finds you hesitating in front of the door that ~~is~~ was Bertolt’s. He takes your hand and leads you upstairs to his office. 

He doesn’t have to look at you to see the silent stream of tears running down your face and it pierces through him with stunning accuracy. 

“You can use my bed. You shouldn’t be alone.” 

At that, you cry harder. You can’t be alone at all. He sighs and takes you to his room. He tries to encourage you to dress comfortably, which results in you stripping to your underwear. He gives you one of his shirts and turns away while you change. When he turns back, he finds that you’ve carefully folded your courthouse attire from earlier and placed it on top of his side table. 

“Do you need me to stay?”

 _“Not if you don’t want to,”_ your voice is hoarse and barely there, but there’s no way he could miss it.

“Tch. That’s not what I’m asking.”

_“Yes, please. Stay.”_

That’s all he needs to hear. He doesn’t join you on the bed, instead choosing to be on the ground, his back to the bed. Just like before. Except this time you shift closer to him and ask if it’s okay if you stroke his hair. Whatever you need. All you have to do is ask and it’s yours. Fuck. He’s certain that if you asked for his heart on a platter, he’d gladly carve it out and clean it for you. It feels nice and he hums in appreciation. It doesn’t take long for sleep to take you, and he finds it easier for him to find sleep, too. 

You scream like you’re being tortured. It scares him awake. It’s in the dark of night and no one is around you. It’s just you two, he’s sure of that. You calm slightly when he touches you, but you start screaming again. He doesn’t know what to do. He tries waking you up but you can’t—you’re stuck in the nightmare your mind has created for you. So he does the only thing that comes to mind. He climbs into bed with you and holds you tight. Your screams turn into whimpers and eventually go away completely, but at that point, you’re clutching him like he’s your buoy in the water. He’ll be that if that’s what you need.

He just doesn’t know what to make of you.


	19. The Reprieve Pt. I *

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I would love to  
>  Scream your name  
> And I would gladly  
> Fall in vain for this_  
> 
> 
> "[Insane](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f98g-aNxk70)" - Madison McFerrin ( _Finding Foundations: Vol II_ ) 

* * *

#### Twenty-Two Hours After Titan Spotting

_Your dreams were a variety of horrors—a blonde man with glasses slicing through your skin, deliberately, precisely, trying to force you to reveal your secrets, reveal the future._

_An explosion over Stohess, wiping out your comrades. The heat was so intense you felt as your first layer of epidermis burned off, and you desperately wanted to give in, to stop fighting._

_Dr. Yeager and your mom with a small boy. Dr. Yeager injected him with something and your mom tried to hide. She was so afraid—why was she so afraid? Why couldn’t you protect her? Why didn’t she hear you as you screamed for her to come? There’s no longer the boy, but a titan, wide mouth and large hands. Hands that crush your mom. Dr. Yeager cried out for her, and then did nothing to stop the titan from grabbing him, pulling him to his mouth, and biting._

_Bertolt caressing you, loving you, stripping you bare, then turning you around for Reiner to deliver the sacrificial blow._

But something shifts and you feel safe and fall into a dreamless bliss.

❦

_You were in a bed, large, lush. The blankets were white and fluffy and soft. They felt heavenly on your bare skin. Then hands started to embrace you, graze you, massage you. You let out a loud moan, grateful that you didn’t need to hide your pleasure._

_Warm lips caressed you, exquisite and delicious, making their way from your hips up your belly, higher, higher._

_You reveled in this tender love. You needed more. You pulled him in, capturing his lips in a slow kiss. He moaned into you, hands bringing you closer, grabbing under your knee and pulling your leg up._

_You loved it—the way your body responded, submitted. You would submit to this man for the rest of your life if he let you. You exposed your neck for him and he bit, drawing out a luscious keen from you. He rolled his hips and you graced him with a beautiful harmony, a series of moans, of wants and you rolled back—_

There is someone against your back, holding you close as your hips roll into them and you let out a pitiful gasp of wanton desire. You receive a coveted moan, deep, rich, mouthwatering. You aren’t even really aware when you reach behind you and direct their head so their nose was pressed firmly on your shoulder. You feel teeth graze your skin and your whimper is met with a sharp nip.

Suddenly, the hands that had begun to grip tighter still. You are flipped onto your back and Levi is abruptly above you, eyes dark, hungry, craving. You feel him hard, pressed against you, but he refuses to move. Your lips part, yearning for some contact, and as your tongue flicks out for a second, his eyes study the movement. 

“Do you know what you do to me?” his voice is low, almost a growl, and you see as he indulges himself in your shiver.

He lowers himself, lips centimeters from yours, before he brings them to your ear.

“When I have you, I want you to be free from everyone else. I want you to be mine, and mine alone. When I have you, I want you to be whole. Before I take you, you will tell me, explicitly, that you want me. Is that understood?”

You don’t let the bitter sting of rejection sit for too long. “Are you saying that you would like to hear me beg, sir?” It was your turn to relish in his shiver. “Are you saying that you want me to be whole so _you_ can be the one to break me, sir?” you ask, deliberately.

A snarl escapes his lips and you tease him with a responding moan, breathy and light, before rolling your hips into his. 

He bites you, on your neck below your ear. He soothes the pain with his tongue before his lips are back to your ear. “Yes.” And then the pressure of his body on yours vanishes. You find him, near the door, adjusting his attire. You try to keep your eyes from lingering on the distinct bulge for too long, but he notices nonetheless. 

It fills you with a new fire, knowing he wants you, knowing he wants to _dominate_ you, to make you submit. If he wants you like that, you would have your fun with it. Fuck if you didn’t know you needed the distraction—and you understood why he wanted to wait. But you just need release, right there, that moment. If you have to do it yourself, so be it.

You pull the blanket from you, exposing yourself to him. You smirk when you notice he stopped breathing. Your hand trails down your form, down your chest, your belly, beneath your underwear. Your fingers find that familiar spot, and you rub, slowly, sensually.

The pleasure you seek starts to build up easily, and you let out shameless mewls. His eyes never leave you, though his jaw was clenching so tightly you feared he wouldn’t be able to open his mouth again. What a shame, too. You're curious about the things that tongue of his could do. 

He swallows visibly as you slip in one finger, two without resistance. 

You are getting closer, your keens are unbearable, punishing. “A-ah! Levi~” More, more, just a bit more. “If you want me, take me,” you whisper before you come, a tiny shriek and a long, satisfied moan. 

You remove your hands from yourself, your underwear, and lay there in complete bliss observing as Humanity’s Strongest watches you like he wants to devour you. He walks over to your form, lifts your hand to his lips, and sucks your juices off your fingers. 

“No. You will be mine, and mine alone, and you will beg.”

Without saying more, he leaves the room, leaves you to lay there, wanting him more than you thought possible. Well, damn.

❦

It takes you a while to gather yourself, to face him again. When you leave his private quarters, the same that he once forbade you from entering, he is sitting at his desk, watching you with dangerous eyes.

“I won’t make it easy.”

“I don’t expect any less, brat.”

You leave his office and make your way to your own quarters. It isn’t until you go to change into a fresh uniform that you realize you still had Levi’s shirt. You bring it to your nose and take a deep sniff, thoroughly enjoying the subtle scent of tea tree and mint. 

Not entirely sure what you are going to do for the day—you sure as shit aren’t going to work—you figure you’d just join Levi in his office. 

Being around him was… relaxing (or, it was, before you found out he wanted you, but that was something different entirely—something much more enticing). It takes all your worries and puts them in a neat little stack for you to address one at a time. You can’t be in many people’s company for too long, but you can with him. All those hours, days, you spent with him, you never once felt exhausted by his presence. It was only compounded by your inexplicable trust of the man. It was salvation when you were otherwise damned. 

So… you did. You find that book about noble lineages from a month ago, and take that, with your journal, to his office. Upon entering, his eyes follow you, but they seem… softer? Less guarded? If he feels comfortable deconstructing that wall in front of you, then you would let him. It is the least you could offer when this man was your source of salvation. 

You glance out his window and notice it is raining. Moving towards it, you want to smell it, the fresh rain on fertile forest soil.

“May I?” your hand rests on the latch to open the window. He gives you a small nod and you open the window. 

It is a light rain, but it carries change with it. It is like it's washing away all the lies, all the hurt, leaving nothing but the truth, for better or for worse. You perch on the window sill with your arm outstretched. You want to feel it, for the rain to cleanse some part of you, to wash away your past sins.

You start humming your mother’s song again, contemplating her words. If you could, who would you fly to? Which love? You believed there to be many types of love—love for your friends, for the world you lived in, for your family, for yourself. Then there was the passionate kind of love. The love that burns through you, igniting each nerve with cataclysmic effects. It consumed, destroyed, created. It gives people wings, courage, hope. But if you could, with your wings, fly to the one you loved, who would it be? (you knew but you didn’t want to say)

Despite the pain you were going through, despite the betrayal, you never regretted giving someone your love, opening yourself up to it. If there was one thing uniquely human, something that differentiated them from the titans, it had to be their capacity to love, right? So how could you rightly regret loving them? It filled you with a kind of warmth, compassion. Any given day, any of you could die. If that was the differentiating factor—the capacity to love and to be loved in return—then you couldn’t afford to be stingy with that. 

You turn your head to take in the man who had all but forgotten his paperwork. The rain behind you had starts to drizzle, so you bring yourself back inside. 

“Tch. You’re going to catch a cold. I thought you were supposed to be the doctor.”

You can’t stop the giggle from escaping even if you wanted to. “You’re right.” Walking over to him, he shifts to watch you with curious eyes. You offer him a single pat on the head before your hand rested on his cheek.

“I’m going to take a shower. You’re welcome to join me if you’ve changed your mind.”

He waits until you are almost out of his office before he responds. “Brat.”

❦

You rejoin him not too long after that, and you take up your book. He had left the window open, and despite the fact that the rain had ceased and the sun was out in full, you still find yourself drawn to it. You settle yourself just underneath the open window, not even a meter away from Levi. When you returned, he hadn’t made to acknowledge you in any way, not that there was any reason to. You both are aware of the other and pretending otherwise would just be dumb, plus you two are too fond of silence to bother it.

It isn’t too long into your reading that Levi speaks up.

“I think I knew her, your mother?”

You tilt your head up, confusion clear on your face.

“I used to live in the Underground. There was this woman who would come down from above. She’d bring us fresh foods and check on our wellbeing. She always sang that song you were singing.”

“O-oh,” is all you could say in response. You want to ask him if you could see, but you know that growing up in the Underground is its own kind of nightmare, so you push that question down.

In all honesty, it was bothering you, a lot. You were starting to forget what they looked like. You couldn’t remember the exact coloration of her eyes, or the way the sun illuminated her skin. You couldn’t remember the pitch of your father’s laugh, the crinkles around his eyes or the permanent smile on his face. There were some pieces that you hadn’t lost yet, but the loss was still there. You didn’t want to forget, but time was cruel like that.

“It was one of the better parts of growing up,” he supplements. When you don’t respond, he continues his work.

Not too much later, you start to sing it again.


	20. Bertolt Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Your love I once surrendered,_   
>  _has never left my mind._
> 
> _My heart is just as tender,_  
>  _as the day I called you mine._
> 
> _I did not take you with me,_  
>  _but you were never left behind._  
> 
> 
> Lang Leav, "Always with Me" 

* * *

#### Twenty-One Hours After Titan Spotting - Bertolt

He wasn’t sure when everything went to hell, but it did.

Things between the two of you had been so good. He knew with absolute certainty that you loved him, and that he loved you. He knew that you were something special, that you were different from the others on this godforsaken island. 

It pained him that he had to keep secrets from you. You were so hopeful, with a singular mind capable of forgiving the most obscene acts, but he knew that things would shift when the truth came out. 

And yet, you started pulling away. He didn’t know why, and he felt hopeless as he watched you start to close yourself off from him. You became guarded. You would flinch, and he would pretend that he didn’t know because he saw that it hurt you when you did. It hurt him, too.

He wasn’t sure when you had gone from thinking of Captain Levi as “that jackass” to just “Levi,” but it bothered him. It cut him. Captain Levi suspected him of something, but he could hope that the Captain was just jealous. He saw the way the shorter man’s eyes would tighten when they found you and Bertolt together. He was aware of the imperceptible change in the Captain when his face would become softer, even if just for a moment. 

When considering why you were pushing him away, he preferred the thought that you and Captain Levi had a secret romance to the thought that you found out and wanted him dead. He knew he was selfish for that, but it was the truth and he was tired of living a lie.

He knew that it was over between you two after you came to him that night. Something was wrong. You were breaking, and he was the one breaking you. Your plea—

_“Love me, please.”_

it still rang in his ears. You had been rougher with him that night, trying to provoke him, but he was afraid to hurt you like that, even though he knew he already had. He loved you, but you were gone, so it wasn’t a surprise when he woke up alone.

He knew you would be fine during the 57th Expedition, but that didn’t stop him from worrying. You had a knack for finding danger, and given that Annie was to grab you, danger would find you that day. After that, he didn’t see you again. 

The veterans had specifically separated the cadets. Only a small handful would be participating in the following mission. You were one of them. He wasn’t. So they were carted off to a different castle, away from the one they had been calling home. His mind kept wandering to you. He didn’t want to listen to Reiner complain. The two of them were acutely aware that Commander Smith knew there were infiltrators and suspected everyone in the room. 

Sasha declared there were titans, and it was confirmed by the veterans. His first thought was you, the second a prayer for your safety.

Scouring the landscape, they didn’t see a single indication of a breach—just the transformation of these poor Eldian bastards. Connie figured it out, and Bertolt wasn’t a fan of how Reiner treated him for it. But he wasn’t about to say that. He wasn’t about to admit sympathy for ~~their friends~~ his victims.

As the night carried on and Zeke summoned titans to attack the castle, Reiner started to fracture. He was still struggling to reconcile the different aspects of himself: Reiner Braun, the Warrior, the Armored Titan; and Reiner Braun, soldier, defender of Humanity. The more time that passed between Marco’s death and the present, the more Reiner split. 

It ended up causing a lot of tension and frustration between the two of them because it was Reiner who kept pushing them, who kept being the aggressor, who kept using them to further the plan. And yet he was the one who was having a mental break. As much as Bertolt wanted to forget it and leave, he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave his best friend.

As they hurried to the top of the tower, memories of you flashed in his mind. Your first kiss—how scared you had been that he’d reject you. The first time you fell asleep on him—you didn’t sleep often but you trusted him enough to do so with him. The first time you two slept together—it was tender, unrushed, intimate. Not like the last time. He loved you with his entirety but that wasn’t enough to stop him from carrying out his duties.

Ymir had transformed—she was the Jaw Titan, the one who had eaten ~~Marcel~~. She defended them all, almost to her detriment. The scouts arrived, but he knew. You had either figured it out and told them or they had gone digging and found it. If Reiner hadn’t ~~fucking~~ mentally broke then, they would have been fine, at least long enough to return and get to you.

No, he knew better. Commander Smith knew of your importance, meaning Captain Levi would stand between Bertolt and you. 

Before it, though, Armin gave him a little metal container. It smelled vaguely of tart sweets—probably dried fruits. He opened it to see a letter. It was like a knife to the heart. He knew that you were doing what you had to. He closed the container and put it in his pocket before Reiner fucked up.

He _told_ Eren. Straight up told him. Without Bertolt’s consent. Without consideration for the greater mission. Perhaps it was his fault for mentioning how close they were to returning, to going home.

He hoped that he would have been the one to take you beyond the Walls. He hoped to see your expression of awe, even if it meant you would hate him forever, even if you would never speak to him again, he wanted to give you the world. But it’s too late for that. After this, you won’t be coming with him and he wouldn’t want to strip that choice from you, as much as that hurts.

❦

Eren nearly beat Reiner. If Bertolt hadn’t stepped in, Reiner would be dead. He was cursing Annie for having trained Eren.

They had barely managed to escape, and as it were, they were waiting for sundown to retreat past Wall Maria. Eren was still knocked out, but Ymir was awake. She was bitching at Reiner, demanding the truth. Honestly, he was pissed at Reiner, so he wanted him to take the brunt of her frustrations. 

Instead, he took the time to read the letter you wrote.

_Bertolt—_

_It hurts that I found out who you are this way. It hurts that you’ve decided to condemn all of us to death._

_I don’t know when it happened, but we splintered. You and I broke, but I’m not even sure if we were ever at a point where we weren’t broken._

_But know this — despite your actions, you are still a person under all that. You still have the power to choose. For the minute you chose me, I was happy. I chose you, too, Bertolt._

_~~I don’t know if it’s~~  
I loved you. I loved you with everything, and I am not certain that I am ever able to stop loving someone once I’ve started, damn it. I fucking love you. Still knowing who you are and what you’ve done, but I can’t reconcile that part of me that still loves you with the part of me that will continue fighting for humanity, so instead, I’m giving her to you._

_Take this piece of my heart and hold it dear. Care for it and nurture it. Just know that someone loves you. It is an irrevocable truth, and it is yours._

_And when we meet in the future, know that I didn’t stop loving you. If you still stand against me, I didn’t stop loving you, but I made my choice._

_Maybe we’ll meet in another life and it won’t hurt like this._

_I love you. Always._

He’s crying. After all this, you still love him and you still believe in his ability to change things. Maybe if he had read this earlier, he would have done things differently, but it’s too late for that. Perhaps it was always supposed to play out like this. Perhaps the world was nothing but a cruel, cruel place. But he’ll always cherish the time he got to call you his. He'll cherish your lingering scent on this document—lavender, rosemary, and a hint of lemon. He'll care for this part of you that you've entrusted to him.

He hopes that you’re right—that you two could love each other in another life, another time. He hopes that when you two see each other again, he’ll have made a choice.


	21. The Reprieve Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ I whisper your name like a prayer—with all the hope of heaven. _
> 
> _I trace the lines of your palm and draw a map to salvation. _
> 
> _I hear the knock of your heart and I answer it like my calling._
> 
> Lang Leav, "Faith"

Shortly after the rain ended, a messenger had arrived. There is a letter from Erwin detailing the next course of action. Apparently, Levi has already chosen the members for his next squad—nearly everyone in your shared vision. You two were to gather their possessions and make for a safe house where you would be staying. It would serve two purposes: an out-of-sight and remote location for Hange to experiment with Eren, and it would provide a location to safely house both you and Christa. After dropping off the inventory at the house, you two were to travel to Trost in anticipation of their return.

Easy enough. The messenger is a man from Hange’s squad, someone who would be helping with the experiments. He would be driving the cart. That is more than fine—you are too tired, simultaneously too exhausted and too wound up to ride. You want Levi to rest his leg. The more rest you could give him, the quicker he would recover, and something is telling you, yelling at you, that you need him in tip-top shape.

* * *

#### Thirty Hours After Titan Spotting - Trost

Forty soldiers survive the mission to rescue Eren. Erwin lost his right arm, his memories revealing the quick thinking of Peer, who died protecting the Commander. He's experiencing nightmares of his childhood, of loved ones being devoured, of a mountain of corpses, and thanks to your power, you are able to shift them to simpler times of unbridled hope and safety. He is receiving proper medical care from a high-ranking military doctor which allows for you to focus on Levi and tending to your new squad. 

❦

Hange and Connie report an interesting titan in his home village, and you travel with them. You are beyond shocked at the titan you see. Connie showed you an illustration, and it's clearly his mother. Her arms and legs are too thin to be able to move properly. Knowing she is his mother, you are able to reach into the recesses of her mind, her memory intact.

_There were some strange men, but after Wall Maria fell, they were no longer afforded familiarity. Suddenly there was this… gas? It tasted funny, landing heavy on the tongue. There was a blonde man in the distance, and he screamed. Suddenly the entire village was hit by lightning—_

“This was an attack. I’m not sure how it happened, but there was a man who was able to transform all the people of Ragako into titans. If it’s any consolation, she’s still in there, and she’s so proud of you, so glad you survived.” The words feel bitter, leaving your mouth. You are uncertain whether it made the situation better or worse, but you don’t hesitate to give him a hug when it becomes clear he needs it. 

❦

You are tasked by Hange to recover the full picture from your team, as they managed to maintain proximity to the conflict with Reiner and Bertolt. You are the lucky son of a bitch who gets to write the report on the attack by your ex-significant other and his best friend. You had your own varying opinions on how they all reacted, though you kept them to yourself. You can’t fault them for how they reacted (although, apparently, Armin got a reaction out of Bertolt by describing ways in which you were being used, tortured by the First Interior Squad—he avoided you for a good 24 hours). Shit, you had gone through it pretty fucking bad yourself, and that was without the opportunity to properly confront either of them.

At night, you are haunted by nightmares. These ones involved a crystalline cavern, a man you had only seen from a shared vision with Annie, and Bertolt being eaten. It comes to a tipping point when someone apparently had tried to wake you and you projected your nightmare onto them and they, in turn, couldn’t return to sleep. Levi forcefully drags you to bed and sits with you until you sleep, and that night it is peaceful. Since then, you either sleep in his room or he in yours. He claims it's just because you are so goddamned bratty when you don’t get sleep, but you know better. He knows better. But you let him have it.

Slowly, hour by hour, day by day, it gets easier. The burden that you had placed on your heart has been lifting and you breathe easier. You are finding solace in your team. 

Eren had mellowed out following the death of Hannes, and the two of you were able to bond over the man who had been a drunk uncle to you both. Since you were the most proficient in hand-to-hand, you had taken up training Eren in various grappling methods for the next confrontation with Reiner. It caused some tension between you and Mikasa because you repeatedly handed his ass to him, but you two worked it out through similar methods. Armin and you would theorize for hours, sometimes with Hange, and you took the time to show him the vision you had with Levi. With their growing friendship and the amount of time you would spend with Armin, you and Jean ended up crossing paths more frequently. It was easy to talk about nothing and everything with him. 

Levi had surprised you by ordering some saplings to plant around the property—lavender, rosemary, and sage. The scout delivering them asked if Levi wanted thyme, too, and Levi’s firm “NO,” brought a sly smile to your face. The plants were large enough that you were able to harvest some of their leaves and flowers for use. You split it evenly, half for medicinal, half for food (you were really fucking tired of bland ass potatoes). Historia and you really enjoyed being able to provide something so simple for the group that had such lasting effects. Being able to have lavender tea was heavenly—your headaches were decreasing in volatility and it became easier to sleep after having a cup.

* * *

#### Nine Days After Relocation

It is late, incredibly so. The rest of your team has been asleep for a good couple hours at this point. You have been relaxing in the garden, staring up at the sky like you used to. You hear the soft scuffle of approaching feet.

“What are you doing out here?”

“Enjoying the evening. Care to join me?”

“Tch. In the dirt?”

“You know you want to,” you tease. You can almost hear the eye-roll. He doesn’t join you on the ground, but he doesn’t leave. You appreciate it.

“Levi?”

“Hm?”

“If we were to ever find peace, what would you want to do? If we get to the day within our lifetimes that titans are eradicated, that you no longer had to fight, what would you want to do?”

He doesn’t answer right away, but instead shuffles closer to you. “I would like to own a tea shop.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you save a table for me?” 

He pauses, and you roll your head to consider him. “Nevermind. Silly question. Do you think we’d ever get to that point?”

You two enjoy the easy company of each other. There is a steady symphony of crickets singing in the distance and the moon is full, beautiful, inviting. 

“I do.”

“I think I’d like to visit your tea shop one day.”

You make to stand up and he offers you a hand. 

“Tch. Dirty.”

You maintain steady eye contact with him, waiting for something. You see it, there. You want to pull it forward, breathe life into it, but you hesitate. 

“Okay, then. I’m going to go get clean. You’re free to join me, as always,” you whisper, feeling the imperceptible tightening of his hand around yours as you lean in. “Or not. I mean, all you have to do is take what’s already yours.” 

You leave him to think on that, and you decide to bathe in his quarters. It’s not that you particularly care if anything happens ~~who the fuck are you kidding? you practically vibrate with want whenever he’s near~~ but you do prefer the bath he has in his room to the showers available to the rest of you. Before that, you decide to grab clean underwear and the shirt of his that you kept. It doesn’t really smell like him anymore, but you don’t really care. 

You start the bath, adjusting the water so you could just lounge. You strip, carefully folding your clothes and placing them on the chair in the corner of the room. He doesn’t particularly like (or maybe he does?) when you use his bath, but when you do, he prefers if you minimize the mess. 

The water is warm and welcoming and you don’t hesitate to submerge yourself fully. You stay there, eyes open, contemplating what you’re doing. 

You already knew it, how you felt, and you had never hesitated before, but you… it was different. With him. You weren’t really sure. It didn’t help that you had no one you could talk to about this. Well. You could talk to Armin about it, but that was just… not something you two ever talked about. And you had absolutely no desire to change that. But you were a jumbled mess inside, unsure of everything except that you felt okay when you were with him. Annie and Bertolt did a number on you—shit, they ground up your insides and made off with what was left—and you didn’t know what to do.

He always told you that you had good instincts, and you admitted that there were specific points in your previous relationships when you could have listened better. But when you tried to listen now, it was quiet. Did you break it? Or was that a good thing? Did it only pipe up when you were in danger? What about the danger of heartbreak? Did that warrant a warning? Or was it all about the leap of faith—trusting someone with all of you? If he had you, all of you, would he keep you? Would he care for you? Nourish you? Could you do the same for him?

You pull yourself back up and see him in the doorway, watching. Neither of you say anything, neither of you need to. You bathe, properly, and when you drain the tub, he offers you a clean towel. He watches with a careful expression as you dry yourself off, pull on your underwear, cover yourself with his shirt. He moves so that you can leave the bathroom, and you do. Instead of going to your own room, you decide to stay. You lift up the covers to the bed and climb in. You intentionally leave them open for him, and he takes your invitation. 

He undresses slowly, not in an attempt at seduction, but more like he’s hesitant to break this gaze, this intimate moment between the two of you. He stops once he’s in his undershirt and underwear. He climbs in behind you and wraps his arms around you.

The two of you lay there like that, just existing together. It’s unbearably sweet and it calms the most anxious bits of you. 

“Levi?” He doesn’t answer, but his hold around you tightens. “I… I just want to talk. You don’t have to respond or anything, but I think… I think I just need you to listen. Is that okay?”

“Mm.”

“You’re always so good with your words,” you tease. You don’t say anything for a while, but once you start, you can’t stop.

“I feel safe with you. Without question, without worrying. I think I always have. I just trust you, with all of me. I can’t think of a time when I didn’t. I don’t have a whole lot of that anymore. Not that unconditional kind of trust. If you told me I needed to jump into a fire, no questions asked, I would. And that scares me. But I know that you wouldn’t do that. You wouldn’t abuse my trust.

“I just… Being with you, even just sitting next to each other while you are bitching about the tidiness of the house and I’m trying to beat Sasha to drop the bread, it just. It soothes me, my soul. I feel like I could be better, like all those little parts of me that are broken and shattered and useless could be fixed. 

“And I don’t say all this because I want to put that on you. I’m not saying this to elicit a response from you. I don’t care if you don’t feel a fraction of this for me. But I just want you to know. There are too many things, too many chances, little instances where we could just stop being, stop existing. We constantly have to confront the fact of death, and I don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to go out wondering, or watch as someone is dying without knowing.” 

You wait a beat. You still aren’t expecting a response, but telling him all this feels healing. 

“After Stohess, before I woke up, I had a dream. I was in this beautiful house. It was small, only made for two people. It was clean, smelled like lemons and lavender. There was a beautiful flower in a thin little vase on the table. And you walked in. And it was home. For a moment, everything felt like it was supposed to. Like everything just… fit. I don’t know if I ever really wanted something like that, growing up. I always wanted to know what life was like outside the Walls. I had to know the taste of freedom. But I’ve realized recently that freedom is as you define it. And… I think having something like that would be a kind of freedom. I hope that when I die, I’ve experienced that kind of freedom. Maybe… Maybe through life experience. Or just experiencing it as my last thought. Just being there in that memory. I think then I would be happy, I’d be okay with dying.

“Fuck. I think all this rambling is just my way of saying that I need you in my life. I need to know you’re okay. And I don’t know if you just want me for a single night, because I’ll give it to you. I don’t know if you want me for longer, because I’ll give you that, too. I’m hoping, anyway. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but it’s not like you have Historia or Sasha in bed with you right now. Or Hange. But I don’t think you’d want them anywhere near your bed,” you laugh a bit to yourself. It just feels so fucking good being honest with him, being _real_. 

“I could love you a thousand different ways and I don’t think I would ever get tired. I don’t care if you return it. I don’t care if you never say it or never felt that way about me. But I still believe that it is a truth that everyone deserves to know. That someone, out there, loves them. Yeah.”

You're breathing deeply, the warmth of him against you lulling you to a comfortable sleep. 

You miss the way Levi gently kisses your shoulder. You miss the way he holds you closer. You miss the quiet, “Thank you,” he gives you. You miss the love in his eyes before he succumbs to a peaceful sleep.

* * *

#### Ten Days After Relocation

You wake in Levi’s bed. It’s not like this is the first time, but the last time he woke up with you was when you were still at the old headquarters. You turn, gently, and you see he’s already awake.

“Good morning,” you breathe. 

You take a moment to remember the night before, how you laid yourself bare before him. You don’t regret it, but you understand if he doesn’t want to talk about it. There’s a question in his eyes, and you wait patiently for it to roll off his tongue. You take the calm silence as an opportunity to run your fingers through his hair.

“Last night.”

“Yes?”

“Did you mean everything you said?” His question is burning, there’s a subtle urgency to his voice. You go to remove your hand from his hair and as it falls away, he grabs it.

“Why would I lie?”

He’s stuck between disbelief and acceptance. It’s odd, seeing him like this. Someone who’s always so sure of himself. He’s being oddly expressive with you. You’d like to think that you’ve gotten to know him over the course of the last two months, that you’re always able to pick apart what he’s feeling, but right now he’s exceptionally vulnerable with you.

“Levi. All you have to do is ask and I’m yours. If you want me to beg, well, I’m gonna need to know that you actually want me before that happens,” you say, an easy smile forming on your lips. 

He leans in, hesitantly, like he’s still not sure, like he’s still doubtful. He needs to make this move, you can see that, so you let him. When his lips meet yours, they’re soft, tentative. You place your hand on his cheek and he deepens it, finding his confidence. It’s sweet and languid and you think he’s pouring everything unsaid into this kiss and you’re fine with that. You’re fine with whatever he’ll throw your way. You’ll take it, take any piece of him that he shares with you.

When he pulls away, his eyes are soft. He seems… quieted. Like all those little worries over the health and safety of the men under him are put to ease, just right now. Those worries about Reiner and Bertolt and Annie are pushed to the side, just for this moment. 

And you refuse to lie to yourself that this doesn’t feel damn good.

❦

You leave the bedroom first, just so he has the opportunity to gather his thoughts. Jean’s up, and he gives you a solid side-eye but doesn’t say anything. He knows better. Outside of Mikasa and Levi, you’re the most intimidating soldier they have.

You dress yourself. You two will be traveling to Trost to check in with Erwin. He’d been in a coma since he lost his arm. It concerns you that he has been out so long, but you know his body just needs time to heal. 

Heading downstairs, you find that outside of Jean, Historia’s the only other person up. She’d told you her story a couple days ago, and you two bonded over that shared experience—being hunted for having the audacity of being born. People placing too great an importance on you because you had the misfortune of having an important lineage. You could tell it helped her to be so readily accepted and understood, especially after the loss of Ymir. She had been retreating into herself since then, not that you could blame her.

You place a kiss on her forehead as you pass, making sure to shower her with affection, to make sure that she knew she was loved, she was wanted. That people in this world needed her, too.

“Good morning, sunshine,” you offer.

She gives you a tired smile and offers you a cup of lavender tea (the angel). “Jean said you were awake and I already had a pot brewing.”

“Thank you. Good morning, Jean. Will you be joining us to Trost?”

He eyes you like you are crazy. “After what I saw this morning? I don’t want to join you two,” he says, tone light.

“I’m sorry, what? What did you see, Jean?” you ask with an admonished smile plastered on your face.

“Tch. Brats. What are you doing?”

You delight in the way Jean’s spine straightens.

“Oh, Jean was just telling Historia and I how much he wanted to train with me,” you smile sweetly. Historia hides her laugh with a cough rather well and Jean puts his hands up in defeat. 

“That’ll have to wait. Once Abel and Keiji arrive, we’ll be off.”

“No Nifa?” you pout. You positively adored Hange’s team member, and you looked forward to any time you got to spend with her.

Levi passes a bored look your way before rolling his eyes.

“They should be here in a half-hour. Be ready.”

* * *

#### Trost

You enter Erwin’s room and you’re pleasantly surprised to see he’s sitting up with Pixis. Levi pulls a chair next to the bed and you wait at the foot.

“Good morning, sir. It’s good to see you up.”

Erwin thanks you softly.

“Do you mind if I ask how your arm is feeling?” You know it's a sensitive topic—amputations were never pretty and were usually devastating to the victims. But he smiles and encourages you to come over.

“Why don’t you see it for yourself? I’m impressed with how quickly Levi’s leg has been healing.”

“The most I did with that was force him to stay put. The rest was all him.” The bandage is clean and expertly placed, not that you expected anything different. You assume that whoever carried out the procedure had properly stitched him and would be checking in with him for aftercare. “Does it hurt? The tissue?”

“Sometimes. They are quick to give me the strong stuff, however.”

A little while later, there’s a knock on the door. Levi calls for Hange to come in, Connie in tow. They let Connie introduce himself before explaining the situation in Ragako. 

“Ah, yes. Where the invasion seems to have begun, correct?”

Hange tells them that they believe both Connie's and your testimonies should prove their hypothesis.

Connie watches you with fearful eyes. He doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want to admit what has happened. You don’t blame him. In fact, you hadn’t even told Levi yet. Not like you were trying to keep it from him, but it had just been another thing to add to the increasing number of truths you were finding and caching away somewhere. 

The more he speaks, the more Connie looks like he’s about to break. You make to stand next to him, to offer yourself as a beam of support. His mother is still alive, somewhere in there, but there was no way to retrieve her, no way to bring her back. He would regularly return to the village, trying to keep her company. When you thought of it all, you wondered if it would have been better for them to have been devoured rather than turned into those mindless monsters. 

When Connie finishes, Levi, Erwin, and Pixis are all staring at him, intense in their glares as they process what he’s laid before them. 

Pixis breaks the silence. “You’re saying that the people responsible were the citizens of Ragako?”

“Yes and no, Pixis,” you answer, earning you curious stares from Levi, Hange, and Connie, unaware of your relationship with the older Commander. “While assessing Mrs. Springer’s memories, it became obvious that it was a planned attack by what appeared to be outside forces. There was some kind of aerosol released throughout the village, and a man, some distance away, screamed. His scream seemed to trigger the transformations.”

“I see. So in actuality, titans are human beings?” Erwin’s eyes widen, thick with emotion. 

Levi looks crushed. He fought them determined to save humanity, to prevent them from killing others’ loved ones like what had happened to his two friends from the Underground, meanwhile, they were victims same as everyone else. “Great. Perfect. I’ve spent all this time. All this energy. And the things I’ve been carving through like carrion were people.” 

Having given their reports, Hange and Connie leave. Watching them, Levi misses the smile that was overcoming Erwin’s face.

“Sir?”

At your voice, Levi turns around and is immediately unnerved by the image before him. “What’s—What’s with that creepy smile?”

The smile vanishes and was replaced with a look of deep contemplation. “Oh, it’s nothing. Just… seems to me we’ve taken one more step to learning the truth.”

You sit at the foot of Erwin’s bed, waiting for the interaction to be over so you can show him what you saw with Annie—potential proof of life outside the Walls. You can’t think of anything else it could be, how four kids had survived beyond the Walls. 

Levi’s pissed, it’s obvious to you that he wants to leave, to get away from Erwin as soon as possible. He had lost countless people so that they could learn one small aspect of the truth? You wanted to help hasten the process. You needed people to stop dying around you. So you would offer Erwin the nugget of truth that you had found and you would leave with Levi to find more.

❦

Levi remains silent throughout the ride back. You aren’t going to comment—this is something he needs to process, something that he needs to reconcile with his own sense of being.

You two arrive shortly after Armin, Jean, and Sasha had, and _fuck_ is it a mess that you stumbled into. Historia's in the hall, watching the scene unfold in front of her. Eren is dressed for cleaning, supplemented with a broom in his hands. Armin is grabbing at Sasha’s hand, which is ~~probably~~ definitely clutched around a piece of bread she is trying to smuggle. Jean and Connie are pestering her, ignoring as Eren becomes increasingly more panicked about the state of the house. 

“What’s all the commotion?”

No one responds to Levi’s question, no one but Historia having noticed his sudden appearance. He walks up to the table and wiped his hand on it to assess for dust. At this point, everyone shuts up ~~and honestly you and Historia were thoroughly enjoying watching as the fear set in~~. 

“I’m quite certain I gave you enough time.”

Feeling sympathy towards Eren’s increasing anxiety, you step in. “In all honesty, it appears that Eren and Historia were the only ones cleaning.” Eren releases a little hopeful breath and Levi’s eyes lazily flick to you before settling on the people who were just caught bickering.  
“Nevermind. We can discuss your utter failure at a later date. Eren. Hange is anxious to get the experiment underway.” 

Everyone else groans, knowing that this meant they all had to accompany Eren to the test site and that they would be expected to compensate for the unsatisfactory status of the house before getting sleep.

❦

Afternoon is becoming evening as Eren struggles to transform for a fourth time that day. He has shown steady consistency for three transformations, and it kind of bothered you that Hange's dead set on pushing him. You understand the need for you all to know the extent of his powers, but he has been going at this for nearly a week straight, on top of the chores Levi assigned. 

“What’s wrong Eren?! Get up! The future of humanity depends on you, dammit!”

“Hange, he’s exhausted. It’s going to do nothing for the future of humanity if he’s too tired to get it up,” you state blandly. 

“He’s not even ten meters tall this time, and some of his body is lacking muscle,” at this you snort because he looks like a damn skeleton with some flesh wrapped around it. “Plus, Eren’s scrawny ass is hanging out,” Levi drawls. He clicks his tongue as Mikasa rushes to rescue Eren. Again. For the umpteenth time. Today.

Meanwhile, Armin and Levi are discussing the possibility of Eren hardening his titan like Annie had. You had expressed doubt at the theory before, siding with Erwin’s earlier observation during the 57th Expedition—Annie (and the others) had more time to master their titan abilities. Eren was a novice in comparison, and it seemed that each of the Intelligent Titans had a specific ability unrelated to those of the next. 

_danger_

It’s been a while since you felt that, the little tingle of your intuition. You search the surroundings for the source of the warning, but you can’t find any, so you decide to catalog it until you hear it again.

Hange dismisses the experiment and Levi orders you all to return to the house while he would accompany Hange’s research team.

_danger_

The hairs on the back of your neck feel like they’re standing up, and you can’t shake the feeling that you’re being watched.

“Sir?” you query, apprehension seeping in your voice. He looks at you and his eyes flash when he reads your fear. “I believe we’re being watched, but I can’t see anyone.” His eyes search the landscape and come up empty, just as you did.

“Go. Be quick about it.”

“Sir!” the three of you atop the cliff respond.

That feeling doesn’t go away, even deep into the night. 

Levi returns late and searches for you throughout the house. He has almost begun to panic until he notices you, almost curled into yourself on the floor next to his bed instead of on top of it.

“I don’t think we’re safe here.”

❦

The following morning, Hange surprises you all with a visit. 

“Now. What’s this about?”

“I’m sorry. Pastor Nick. He was murdered.”


	22. Levi Pt. II *

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You were you,  
>  and I was I;  
> we were two  
> before our time. _
> 
> _ I was yours   
>  before I knew,   
>  and you have always   
>  been mine too. _   
> 
> 
> Lang Leav, "Always" 

* * *

#### One Day After Pastor Nick’s Death - Levi

He was caught in a fog since before the relocation.

That night… He held you to sleep, and you calmed. You held him, too. He never understood the appeal of sleep other than a necessity. If he slept for more than three hours, nightmares would come in, thoroughly convincing him that it was unnecessary to sleep for longer. But lying there with you, he allowed himself to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. That was until you started projecting. 

_The first dream that your mind had allowed you to cultivate was one of him. You two were in a large bed with blankets he never thought of purchasing because, again, sleep was unnecessary. He turned and saw you, all skin and smiles as you fell back into the sea of plush. He just had to reach out, had to touch you, and oh, what a sublime thing he held between his fingers._

_The sound that left your body, was that because of him? He needed to know for certain, needed to hear it again. He needed to taste you, to revel in you. And… you let him? You let a man as damned as he touch you? Not just that, but you… enjoyed it?_

_He started crawling up your body, worshipping it as much as he could, and you pulled him up, and you kissed him. _Fuck_ , he was dead, he was certain of it, but if he’s dead then he’s going to enjoy this last-minute heaven. ___

_He grabbed for you, pulling your leg up, up, up. Shit, how you gave in to his touch, how responsive you were to him! You rolled your head, and he bit your neck, and fuck he had to be dead because there was no way that he was hearing such a beautiful song of want fall from your lips. He rolled his hips into you, giving you the friction you needed, and you gave him one of your own. It was too much for him—_

He was ripped from that heaven, but he didn’t mind because here you were, your back pressed against him, pressing deeper as you allowed his hands to grab you, pull you closer, _need_ you. Your hand found the back of his neck and he allowed you to guide him to your exposed shoulder. Breathing in, there was nothing but _you_. Floral freedom you. Your gasp was dripping with want and he wanted nothing more than to give it to you, 

but the truth of the night before, the week before came crashing down on him like someone dumped a wet bucket of reality on him.

He stopped. He had to, or he would get so lost in you he would risk losing you. No. He was too selfish for that. He rolled you onto your back and hovered over you. He pressed his hips to yours because he needed _something_ , _some_ kind of friction, and there you were, eyes wide, ready, willing, fucking _pleading_. You licked your lips, and he had to hold himself from tasting you.

You had to know, right? But it was there, in the back of your eyes, the uncertainty. 

“Do you know what you do to me?” his voice was lower than he thought it would be and the response of your body was something he needed to experience again and again.

He lowered his face, your eyes watching him, hoping he would grant you a taste, a reprieve, but he settled his lips right next to your ear. He knew what he needed from you, and he needed you to know it, too.

“When I have you, I want you to be free from everyone else. I want you to be mine, and mine alone. When I have you, I want you to be whole. Before I take you, you will tell me, explicitly, that you want me. Is that understood?”

And your response perfectly sliced into his heart—

 _“Are you saying that you would like to hear me beg, sir? Are you saying that you want me to be whole so **you** can be the one to break me, sir?”_ Your words were careful, deliberate, daring, but _fucking hell_ if you didn’t pierce to the crux of what he wanted. Was he that easy to read? Or did you just read him that well? 

Who the fuck cared, so long as you were doing the reading. 

He didn’t even recognize the sound leaving his body, but then you let out a breathy moan and rolled your hips and the friction was too much and not enough and he bit down, needing something. He didn’t even have the chance to be horrified at what he had done because… you… liked it? No, you _loved_ it. He kissed it, lapped up the pain he hadn’t meant to cause you then. Bringing his lips back to your ear, he gave his answer. 

He needed to leave before he took you, here, now, before you were ready. He needed you for more than just one time, he needed you for everything you could give. Your eyes followed him, thick with want, with destitution, and he almost went back. 

Dammit, no! He was a grown-ass man who had more self-restraint than that! But fuck if the sight that unfolded before him didn’t still his heart.

You had pulled the blanket back, and he saw the wet on your panties and he wanted to taste.

Eyes greeting yours again, you fucking smirked?! You fucking demoness! Your hand trailed down your body and he had to cement himself to the spot that he stood because if he didn’t he would ravish you, absolutely, completely, ruin you for anyone else, and he didn’t know if that’s what you wanted or if you just wanted a single fuck.

The sounds coming from you were a heavenly orchestra, something he never knew he was missing. He had been trapped in a fucking desert and you were an endless source of water. _Fuck_. And you dipped your fingers in, and he could hear it, how wet you were, because of _him_.

You called his name and begged him to take you before you came and he felt like he was dying, but fuck, if this wasn’t one hell of a way to go. Your eyes still didn’t leave him, and he approached you, hesitant to touch, but he was beginning to get the picture--you ~~wanted~~ _needed_ him, too. He lifted your hand and brought your fingers to his mouth, making sure to commit taste to memory until he could dive in for himself.

“No. You will be mine, and mine alone, and you will beg.” He was certain of one thing. When he took you, he wasn’t going to share you with anyone else ever again.

❦

Something shifted between the two of you after that. He felt as though he had exposed himself, and it scared him, but it didn’t. Because it was you. Even if you didn’t want him, you were still so wonderful as to dedicate yourself to making sure that everyone knew they were loved by someone, anyone, even if it was just you. As if being loved by you was some small feat, some menial prize.

It was… relieving, being exposed like this to you. He didn’t realize it until you showed him, but he had been drowning his entire life, barely treading water, and you were pulling him to safety.

❦

He was disappointed upon receiving the orders. You two had been in an almost-blissful bubble, just the two of you, so much said and unsaid concurrently. But he’d take it in stride. He was a soldier first and foremost. You were, too. ~~And he’d never admit out loud that he wanted to tear Shitty Glasses’ head off for whisking you away from him to investigate Ragako Village.~~

The two of you were busy, despite Eyebrows being in a coma. He had a new team to whip into shape, shitty brats, and you were tasked with gathering all interpretations of the events to culminate into a report. He didn’t like it, the hollow vacancy behind your eyes each time you had to see what Bertolt and Reiner did ~~and he wouldn’t admit out loud that it wasn’t the least bit amusing the way Armin ran from you for nearly a day~~. 

That first night after they all came back, you started having nightmares. He tried waking you, but you couldn’t shake. He didn’t want to risk anyone finding you two, interpreting the intimacy between you two, but it was becoming unbearable. Three nights in, Jean went to try, and his eyes went blank. It was obvious you projected whatever it was you saw onto him. When pressed, Jean told him that he saw you stripped naked before a blonde man with glasses who sliced into you, demanding answers from you, demanding the future from you. 

Appearances be damned, he wouldn’t let you go through that alone. He swore Jean to secrecy ~~under definitive threat of death~~ as he carried you to his bed. He held you, peppering you with kisses, telling you everything he couldn’t admit to you while awake. It worked. You awoke, looking better than you had. He told you that you slept better like this and he needed you to not be such a fucking brat, but you saw through the lie and he knew it. You had the grace not to call him out on it.

And after that, he saw it, the bloom, the life come back to you, slowly, bit by bit. Your hands stopped shaking, and the anxiety that once plagued you was slowly dripping into the background.

❦

That night, he searched for you. He wasn’t ready to admit it, but it gave him anxiety, not knowing where you were at night, and there you were. Laying down in the garden that he gave to you ~~because it was the first step to giving you everything you could ever want~~ , looking so peaceful. He hated dirt, he hated when people would uselessly dirty themselves, but he’d be damned if he didn’t admit that he wanted to join you, see what you saw. 

_“Levi?”_ you asked, breathless. Anything. He would give it to you. _“If we were to ever find peace, what would you want to do? If we get to the day within our lifetimes that titans are eradicated, that you no longer had to fight, what would you want to do?”_ Honestly, he wanted to live, with you, somewhere far enough from the city that it was just the two of you, but close enough that he could have a tea shop. _“Would you save a table for me?”_ He would give you the whole shop, reserve it for just you and he on days you would visit—this of course assuming you weren’t there to share it with him in the first place. _“Nevermind. Silly question. Do you think we’d ever get to that point?”_ If he had to slaughter every last titan for you, he would make sure that day came. _“I think I’d like to visit your tea shop one day.”_ Please.

And then you whisper it, _“Okay, then. I’m going to go get clean. You’re free to join me, as always. Or not. I mean, all you have to do is take what’s already yours.”_

He stays there in the cool of the night, replaying that last statement in his ears. He hears it, what you’re telling him. You’re ready. Thinking back on it, he remembers that scene in Ehrmich, where you pressed that little metal trinket to Armin. He had thought it looked like you had sealed a piece of yourself in there, and maybe that’s what you did so you could heal. Maybe that’s what this time has been? Therapeutic, healing, steeling yourself for more, to keep going. Maybe there’s space for him in there with you?

He wants to ask you, so he goes to find you. He doesn’t hear the running of the showers, so he goes to his quarters. He knows you sometimes prefer the bath to the showers, being able to lay down and relax, let the stress of the world ebb away. Sure enough, there you are, but you left the door open. He just intended to make sure you were there, that you were okay. 

He found you submerged, hands gently grasping the exterior of the tub ready to pull you up when you needed. You looked preserved, almost. Tranquil. You pull yourself up and the water trails down your body. You notice him immediately, but you don’t comment on it. The two of you carefully consider one another as you bathe, and it’s intimate and the world consists of just you two. You look like you’re about done, so he unwraps the towel and holds it open for you. After drying yourself, deliberately, carefully, you go to dress yourself. He’s not ready to give name to what he feels at seeing you pull his shirt over your head. 

He half expects you to retreat to your own bed, not like he wouldn’t follow, but instead, you gently pull back the covers to his own and wait for him to join you. 

He likes this, this peace between the two of you. Nothing needs to be verbalized because it’s all there, transparent between the two of you. He’s not sure if he’s ready to say it, even to himself, but he knows what he feels for you.

He slides into bed behind you, one arm under your head, one around your center, holding you close. This is just tender. He allows himself to forget about the reality of the world for a minute while you lay next to him and let him experience you.

You ask if it’s okay for you to talk, for him to just listen. Anything you need, it’s yours. 

It takes a minute, but then you start confessing everything to him, putting words to everything you feel, experience, share. You’re trusting him not to break you. And like you are saying, he wouldn’t abuse your trust. You’re able to identify everything he’s been feeling, but you’ve been feeling it, too? You’re… you’re telling him you love him, in your own way. You want him to know that he’s wanted, needed, _loved_ and it almost breaks him in that moment. You describe a dream you had, and he can see it as though it’s reality. He wants it, with you, the freedom you’re describing. And you say it, the things he needed to hear weeks ago. You ~~insult~~ tease him with the notion that he doesn’t want you, that he would dare have Historia or Sasha or fucking forbid Hange in his bed. 

_“I could love you a thousand different ways and I don’t think I would ever get tired.”_

You said it. So… eloquently. So succinctly. With such precision that it hurts. He knows it to be true, he feels it from you, and he knows that he reciprocates. He’s not certain he can repeat it to you just yet, but he also knows that you don’t need to hear it to know.

You fall asleep and it’s so peaceful that he sometimes has to check that you’re still breathing. He lets himself fall into a similar slumber. 

❦

He wakes up before you. He always does, but he usually leaves before you get up. He doesn’t want the others to know. This is just something between you and him. He doesn’t need them tarnishing it.

You look so serene. He wishes he could draw you like you him. Instead, he decides to commit this to memory. The way the early sun lights your skin. The gentle tufts of breath that leave your nose. The loose strands of hair that frame your face and your pillow. The way your eyelashes rest on your cheeks. It’s almost too much for him. You stir, and you greet him like it’s nothing, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. And it sounds like it, it sounds natural to hear the grogginess in your voice. 

He knows it, but he needs to hear it, explicitly. You begin to stroke his hair and he wonders what he had ever done to deserve such loving caresses. 

“Last night.” He has to brace himself for what he’s about to ask. He feels foolish asking it, feels foolish for needing certainty. “Did you mean everything you said?” You begin to remove your hand, and he grabs it, desperate for that hand to touch him somehow, some way.

 _“Why would I lie?”_ His breath catches, and he feels like he’s exceptionally vulnerable, exposed. _“Levi. All you have to do is ask and I’m yours. If you want me to beg, well, I’m gonna need to know that you actually want me before that happens.”_

He knows that you’re teasing, the hellion that you are, but it hurts, just a little, that you doubt that he could ever not want you. He leans in to kiss you, giving you plenty of time to change your mind, to get away from him, from the monster he feels he is. And you don’t. You accept it, accept _him_. And for the first time, he tastes heaven.

❦

He’s feeling frustrated. He’s tired of Shitty Glasses’ experiments. Eren’s fucking tired and they know it and he knows it and everyone knows it. Eren carries the weight of Humanity on his shoulders, but he can’t do it. Not yet. So Levi’s feeling frustrated. He cares for these kids, much more than he’d like to admit. He wants to blame you for making him care, but he knows that you didn’t do that. You just made it easier for him to, but that opens him up to immeasurable pain, loss.

He ends the experiment, and you breathe a little easier. He and Armin discuss the reality of their plan, and he notices it for a split second—the fear. It’s like he can taste it, feel it radiating off of you. You search frantically for the danger, but you don’t find anything. He has to report to Erwin, so he directs the lot of you to return to the house, but there it is again.

 _“Sir?”_ ~~He only wants to hear you call him that in the bedroom but he appreciates your discretion~~. _“I believe we’re being watched, but I can’t see anyone.”_ Your intuition is dead on, much like Sasha’s, so he believes it. But he can’t see anyone. There aren’t any other nearby vantage points for them to be observed—it was a condition of this particular test site.

He hates it, but he sends you to return without him. He has to report to Erwin.

❦

He returns much later than he would have liked. He goes to find you, to curl into your warmth, but he can’t find you. He checks your room, the kitchen, the garden ~~even though he knows that if you were worried someone was watching you, you’d stay inside~~ , his bedroom, his bathroom, and he’s about to start raising hell when he catches you, in between the bed and the far wall, clutching your knees to your chest, almost paralyzed with fear.

❦

He pulls your arms away and drags you into him and you go willingly. He holds you like this, on the floor.

You two don’t say anything, not like there’s anything to say. You don’t ask—not that you need to—when you use him as an anchor point to try to see the upcoming danger. It’s flashes, just flashes…

_They’re walking through Trost and the streets are busy. A cart comes bustling past, you and Sasha reacting before anyone else can hear it. They grab Eren and Historia._

_A crystal cavern with a shoot-out. More precisely, there are people shooting at his team, his family, and they have to cut them down._

_The Walls—Wall Maria? He sees Reiner come out of nowhere while the Scouts are gathered on top of and on the sides of the Wall. He leaps down and his blade cuts clean through Reiner’s neck._

He isn’t sure what to make of it, but he knows it will come in handy. You two will notify Erwin as soon as it’s safe. You’re still shaking with fear and so he just pulls you closer and rubs your back.

❦

When Hange arrives in the morning, neither of you are really surprised. He _is_ surprised when he finds out that Pastor Nick was tortured by Sannes. Everyone else is shocked, Armin in particular. He concludes that they’re after Historia—and pieces together Eren with the glimpse you two saw last night—because that’s the only thing that really makes sense about what Nick’s mind had revealed. Unless… his eyes flash to yours and he realizes that you are in danger here, too.


	23. The Uprising Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _know that anger has its limits_  
>  _& act accordingly_
> 
> Amanda Lovelace, "coven rule #4"

* * *

#### One Day After Pastor Nick’s Death

Nifa arrived shortly after Hange’s assessment of Pastor Nick’s death, bringing a letter and news from Erwin. Without hesitancy, Levi orders for everyone to pack up, make it look like you all were never there. It is the latter part of the order that takes longer—Levi had been so adamant about keeping the place clean, it was obvious someone _had_ been there. You, Armin, and Jean take it upon yourselves to spread straw and dirt everywhere. You doubt Levi would want to touch you until you bathed.

It is dusk when they come. Connie is shocked, querying whether his nails would have been ripped off if the MPs had caught them. You feel for him, for all of them. The MPs have been, up until this point, the point of law enforcement within the Walls. Lazy, maybe, but still wanting to do better, to uphold justice. Except all of you knew you had done nothing wrong and you were still being hunted. It's hard for them to integrate this new, harsh truth into their schema. 

Levi explains the contents of the letter, the orders to turn you, Historia, and Eren in. Levi and Hange start speculating as to the plans but settle on entering Trost. Hange takes off with Moblit as the rest of you go to travel by foot to Trost. 

You arrive early the next day, just shortly after sun up. Armin, Jean, and you are wearing wigs. The former to resemble Historia and Eren, you to pretend to be anyone else, the thought process being that you are still a relative unknown and that they can’t really afford to have another decoy. The streets are filled with people as the royal family had intended to release the royal food reserves to the public, probably to garner up sympathy before whatever bullshit they were pulling. Sure enough, the MPs are announcing the “self-sacrifice” of King Fritz. Bastard.

Turning down a main street, you hear it. 

“Coming up behind us,” Sasha alerts. You dive under a food stall as a wagon comes flying down the street. The passengers grab the decoys and everyone makes to follow. Levi had you stay back with him before pursuing.

_someone’s watching you_

“Something doesn’t feel right, Levi,” you urge. “We’re being watched.” He nods before you meet up at a warehouse. Mikasa informs you two that the disguises aren’t going to hold up due to Armin being molested. “I’m staying and helping here.”

He jerks his head to you, anger and fear evident on his face. 

“Trust me,” you urge. He gives you a lingering look before turning away. 

“These kidnappers are obviously rank amateurs. Why wouldn’t they use professionals for a job like this? I’m going to make my way to Eren. Come and meet up with me when you’re done taking out the trash here.” He starts to leave before something crosses his mind. “There’s one more thing you should know. It’s not just titans we’re fighting.”

He leaves, allowing you and Mikasa to get to work. 

Dropping down from the skylights, you two balance on beams until the full kidnapping party comes into view. Mikasa manages to knock out two lackeys simultaneously before landing. You land a bit further away, using her presence as a distraction. 

You run up from behind the man leading the group and lock your arm around his neck. You kick the back of his knee and using the momentum you had built up, you flip the two of you so he’d break the fall. You wrangle his arm behind his back and twist it upwards. 

_DANGER_

You hear the clicking of a gun behind you, but before you can react, Mikasa lands a kick to the second man’s jaw, sending him flying into crates.

“So, I hear you’re the big, bad bossman. Is that correct?” you crooned, a dangerous tint in your voice as you lean in, increasing pressure on his arm.

❦

Having secured the men in the warehouse, you and Mikasa deliver Levi’s warning. 

_DANGER_

Your eyes flash at the distant sound of shots being fired. _No._

Leaving the team behind ~~stupid move really, you know that~~ , you run in the direction of the gunshots, which are increasing in frequency. You are vaguely aware of the whirring and catching of ODM gear behind you, and you are relieved to see that your team is following suit. 

_Eren and Historia need help_

“GET TO THE WAGON!” you scream, listening for more shots. This isn’t good. You guys are being hunted, and they know about it all. They knew how to find you, how to exploit weaknesses you didn’t even know you had.

Reeling deeper into the city, you become aware of several people following you. _Fuck_. It feels like before, that winter. But you are different now, stronger. Better. You turn down a thin alley, keeping low so you can slide across the cobblestone. You are coming up on the marketplace, which you would have to use to your advantage if you are going to make it out of this alive. You propel yourself under tents and stalls. One of the pursuers opts to follow closely behind, the others staying above. You slow, waiting for them to try to grab you. 

They collide with you, hard, dragging you about a meter from where you had paused. You wrestle your hand free and grab their face, finding what you needed, immediately. Pain. Anguish. Misery. All to the forefront. They let you go while they relieved their traumas and you dip into another alley. 

When you went diving, you didn’t see any traces of recognition of you, which you would need to use to your advantage. What you did see was the blatant intent to kill, the order to kill. Not so good.

It must have been the deployment of your ODM gear because soon enough, the other two who had been following you are back. You grab onto the corner of a building and use your momentum to whip you around the corner. This time, you are higher. At least these mother fuckers are leaving your team alone.

You hear more shots at the end of the street, encouraging you to pursue. 

_DANGER_

  
~~  
yeah, yeah, you **know**  
~~

You trigger your hooks to grab on behind you, pulling you back just in time for a shot to land where you would have been. Pushing yourself further, you land a hook in one of their shoulders and yank them down to the street. It isn’t enough to kill them, you don’t think, but it is enough to get them off your ass.

The remaining one huffs in surprise, and you reach to grab them. 

_DODGE_

You watch and time seems to slow. They aim their ODM gear at you, but you realize too late that it’s modified to also work as a gun. Their finger pulls, you hear the blast, and you dodge, but it’s a moment too late.

You are going to die. Not at the hands of titans or shifters, but at the hands of another human. You had been trying so hard to preserve human life and yet here is this person easily trying to take it. 

It hits you, in that moment. That tangy smell lingering in the air, and the gentle sounds of waves lapping on the shore. This isn’t where you die. You make it outside the Walls, and you taste freedom. This isn’t where you die. 

You don’t feel any pain, not right away, but you feel pressure—tight, hot, urgent—on the side of your rib. You can't focus on that right now. You need to get to that moment in time. 

They watch in horror as you ignore it, the now perforated rib, the blood gushing from the wound. You continue forward, to them. Just like before, you grabbed their face, pull forward childhood trauma, and push some of your own on them. It is enough for them to miss where they were trying to land their hook, and you push them towards the ground.

Sound starts flooding in again, loud, cranky, shocking. You hear one of your teammates, not too far from you. Ignoring the blood you were losing, you hasten to their position. You see the hesitation as they had to fight against humans. Mikasa is the only one outside of Levi genuinely ready to kill. 

The cart transporting Eren and Historia is trying to lose you, one of those motherfuckers with the modified ODM gear steering. They turn the corner, and you see Levi in pursuit, blood on his face. You can’t think about that though. You need to save your team. He is more than capable of handling himself. 

One of the bastards chasing you tries taking Levi out from above, but he uses his gear to hook through their shoulder, pull them close, and slice through them. You don’t like it, but at the moment, it was them or your family. 

Levi pulled back, sensing you all behind him.

“Follow the wagon!” 

All of you go to pursue, pushing your gear a little further, a little harder. 

“Listen up: these soldiers were trained to fight other people. They’ve already taken out three of ours.” You paused, looking at your squad. When no one was missing, you realized it was Nifa, Abel, and Keiji. That stung. A lot. “If you hesitate for so much as a second, you’ll be dead. The moment you see an opening, go for the kill.” 

You start to feel light-headed, but that isn’t as pressing as getting to the cart. Levi dispatches another attacker, and you know that if you didn’t stop soon, you’d be too far gone, so you go with Armin and Jean to get the cart. Mikasa knocks the driver back, allowing Armin to grab control of the reigns. You try checking in on Historia and Eren, believing Jean to have had the woman covered. She rolls over, and you hear Jean exclaim before she knocks him backward. You had moved in the nick of time, and reacted before you even thought about it. You cover his body with yours, ready to take the brunt of the attack because you know you made it out of there and you would rather it be you hurt than him. 

Your heart is loud in your ears, and there is a resounding blast of gunfire. Everything went dark after that.

❦

You wake to someone tugging on you, pulling you from the darkness. It is a nothing sort of darkness. Something familiar. Something comforting in the lack of existence you felt for a minute.

When you open your eyes, you see Levi patching you up. But… shouldn’t it be Armin? He’s the only other one of you with specific training to cover this? Where is he? 

“That was a stupid stunt you pulled back there,” he says. You are too out of it to discern the emotion bubbling under the surface. “You would have been killed if not for Armin.”

Armin…? What does Armin have to do with this?

“She was going to shoot you, had he not shot first. We almost lost you, too, along with Eren and Historia.”

They… lost? Armin, sweet Armin? He killed someone?

“Where—?”

“We’re in the warehouse,” he answers, pinching the bridge of his nose. “We were attacked. Kenny the Ripper was working with the MPs to hunt us down. We were unprepared, but we managed to fend them off and keep most of us alive. They overpowered us in the end, and it was a stroke of luck that we were able to grab you.”

“Wait. Why is Kenny Ackerman hunting us down? Didn’t he disappear, like, thirty years ago?”

His eyes widen as shock coats his face.

“Ackerman? How do you know—?”

“My dad used to tell me stories of human monsters in addition to titan ones. But I still don’t get—”

“He raised me.” This effectively stops all thoughts running through your head.

❦

After Levi had bandaged you, you both rejoined the group. Armin looks pale, not that you could blame him. You settle on the ground next to him, waiting to help soothe him when he's ready.

“What’s wrong? Did all this filth kill your appetite?” 

You shoot an unforgiving look at Levi. It would be one thing for him to make that remark to you if you were in Armin’s position, but that wasn’t helping him. 

Armin sounds… defeated. Lost. Like he had lost a part of his soul. You grab the hand of his that isn’t holding his rations and rub soothing circles in his palm. Jean and Levi go back and forth about morality, the purpose of the job. 

“I know what it is. The woman I shot back there. I bet she was a really kind person. She must’ve had a lot more human empathy than I ever did. I pulled that trigger so easily. Without a thought. I’m—”

“A killer. And now that your hands are soaked in blood, the person you once were is gone for good. And you shouldn’t regret it for one second. Because if you’d chosen to keep your hands clean, your comrades would be corpses on a cart right now. Everyone on our squad survived today because you got blood on your hands. Thank you.” 

Even if no one else had killed as Armin had, it affects them all the same. Armin looks slightly comforted by Levi’s gratitude, by the point he made that you and Jean survived because of him, but you offer him a moment of quiet contemplation.

“Do you want me to show you again?”

He looks at you for the first time that evening and pats your head. “No. Not yet. Thank you.”

Levi stands, ready to address the amateur in the room. 

“Now then. I think it’s time we heard what our guest has to say.”

You fail to stand on your own thanks to the burning pain in your side, and Jean offers you help up. You walk over with Levi to the man, and before either of you speak, Mikasa identifies him. He is a merchant who had put his selfish interests in front of the needs of the people during the evacuation of Trost. 

“Yeah, I know him. Dimo Reeves, right?”

Dimo then explains how he was used by the MPs, forced into doing their dirty work, and how their failure would result in “accidents” for everyone involved. Levi proposes a partnership—the Scouts would be more likely to help the people he was now dedicated to help. Dimo takes it.

❦

You are in the back of the wagon, hands “tied” behind your back as Dimo steers and Sannes sits in the front and Ralph rides behind. You had volunteered—you are, after all, one of the desired targets—and after being overruled by everyone else, Levi agreed. Dimo would lead them to the specified location, citing fear of retribution by Levi. Your teammates would wait in the shadows, behind trees and bushes. Once you arrived, they would move.

“Hey. How’d you find her, anyway?”

“She was shot. She fell, and we got lucky. But the way Captain Levi was screaming, you’d have thought they shot his lover.”

Sannes looks behind him, studying your defiant form. 

“She wasn’t too much trouble, was she?”

“No. She lost so much blood she was passed out for most of it. We figured you wanted her alive, so we bandaged her up.”

“Good.”

The cart hits a rock, jolting you forward a bit before it stops completely. You hear the muffled sounds of a fight and a startled whinny behind the wagon.

“What was that?” Sannes asks before trying to dismount and see what the problem is. The wagon shakes at his movement, but someone uses that as the perfect opportunity to climb in behind you. Armin pulls on your bindings and helps you up as quietly as possible.

“What the hell?!” 

A thud, most likely the butt of a gun making contact with Sannes’ head. You and Armin exit, allowing for Dimo to collect his men and take off.

❦

You can’t sleep. Not this night. Not with Levi and Hange torturing Sannes. You are waiting, honestly, for them to come to you so you can get what they were not. You don’t quite understand why they are intent on torturing him when they have you. You understand the base desire for retribution for Pastor Nick, but this? This was… excessive. 

You hear light footsteps approaching. Levi tilts your face up by your chin, worry imprinted on his face. “You okay?”

“Does it look like I’m okay?” He doesn’t answer. Doesn’t need to. “So? Get what you were looking for?”

He sighs. Pauses. Runs his fingers through his hair. “Yes. But also no.” You offer him a raised eyebrow and an expectant look. “Reiss is the true royal family. Historia is the true heir.” You nod, unimpressed. You figured it would be something like that. The First Interior Squad wouldn’t care about the illegitimate child of a simple noble. “Nothing on you, though.”

“Does that mean it’s my time to shine?” you ask and he gives you a soft chuckle like he has his own inside joke. 

“Are you ready for this? To learn the truth?”

❦

Your family was special to the Crown. Several families, were, in fact. From what it sounded like, they were immune to overt royal influence but were fiercely loyal and stayed on as advisors. Like the Intelligent Titans, each family had a specific area of expertise. Sannes only knew of the Ackermans and the Verites. Some of them were immune because they were "outsiders," like the Azumabitos, others were "special."

The first acted as a sword and shield to the Crown, gifted with immense strength and innate battle intelligence. They were like one-men armies unto themselves. But they stopped being loyal, and their intelligence and insight made them a threat, so they were systematically eliminated, save for three survivors today.

The second were discerners of the truth, both past, and future. They were able to tap into something greater than themselves and glean memories, moments from almost anyone they touched. They were most precious to the Crown because of this, allowing for them to prepare for war or famine and protect their people. 

The third offered knowledge distinct from that available to the Crown. Like the Ackerman’s, they ceased being loyal and were hunted to near extinction, the only survivor being Mikasa. 

Ansem and Aurille exhibited no capacity to discern the truth but were still given the opportunity to serve the Crown. Aurille maintained a position on the Royal Council and Ansem had become Captain of the First Interior Squad. Sannes had looked up to him, admiring his dedication to the Crown, doing whatever was necessary. But when it came time for Ansem to get the information out of ~~that teacher~~ Erwin’s father, he refused. Sannes stepped in and Ansem was tried for treason.

The council was lenient, thanks to strong testimony by Aurille. Ansem would renounce all claims to the name, titles, lands, and wealth. He would be required to reside beyond Wall Sina, and he would remain monitored. At least, that’s what they were told to do. Observing him in Shiganshina had proved to be exhausting and obvious. After a couple years, it was obvious that he would do nothing to reveal the secrets of the Crown. The council then removed the sentry.

But you came to them, looking for answers, and Aurille knew that you had the power that skipped him. So he had you followed. There were varying degrees of your ability, and it wasn’t until the Raid on Stohess that you proved to be a danger to the secrets of the Crown. 

Rod Reiss, the current ruler, had demanded your capture, along with his daughter and Eren. He was going to demand that you serve by her side once she reclaimed the power of her family.

❦

You're quiet. For too long. It's a lot to take in. For Sannes, this was _his_ truth, but there are pieces of it that don’t make sense to you. You still feel like you aren’t getting the big picture, and it irks you.

Levi gives you time to consider it before making you gather with the others. Hange is the one to explain everything to the group, and you are glad you don’t have to speak. No one speaks. It isn’t until Hange starts detailing the information regarding the passing of the Power of the Titans that anything happens. Mikasa immediately gets upset and Levi grabs her shoulder and pulls her back, reminding her to keep a level head. Deciding to go to Reiss’ estate, you all prepare to leave. 

You had accompanied Armin, Jean, and Mikasa into the city of Trost to gather supplies when someone grabbed you from behind and knocked you out cold.

❦

You wake in a carriage. Your hands are firmly tied behind your back, giving you no room to weasel out.

In front of you are two people: a blonde woman with hardened features, beautiful in her own right, if you got rid of the murderous intent behind her eyes; and a man with a wide smile and a wide-brimmed hat. You… you recognize him, from Sannes’ memories.

“Well, hello, there, Sleeping Beauty!” he greets, in a cheery tone that had hints of danger. 

“You’re Kenny Ackerman.”

The woman’s eyes flicker from staring outside to considering you. 

“That I am. You’re the Verite, or do you prefer the name Vertrauen?”

“I was never a Verite before, so why would I start being one now?”

He lets out a hearty laugh. “Boy, oh, boy, I can see why my nephew’s taken a shinin’ to you!”

It clicks. This… He's the motherfucker who had been watching you guys. How else would he have known about something that hardly anyone else did? “You’re the one who’s been watching us? Why?”

“At first it was because I had to find the girl and the titan boy, needed to know how you all operated.”

“And then?”

“Then I was interested to see what that runt of a nephew o’ mine was up to. And interestingly enough, that led me to you!” He waits, seeing if you would respond, and when you don’t, he continues. “You see, when I joined up with the king, I heard stories of the Oracle, able to see into other people’s lives, find their true motivations. I was intrigued, but they said that the power had died out, and let that fool in the council continue because he was still loyal to the Crown. I was mighty disappointed, someone with a power like that would be a helluva person to meet, don’t ya think?

“And then there were these stories, these rumors, about a girl who joined the Scouts who could make people act in funny ways. It made me wonder whether you could get in people’s minds, tell ‘em how to think,” he pauses, again, waiting for a response. You click your tongue against your teeth and lazily shake your head. He looks absolutely amused by your presence. “So I asked Sannes, that sonuvabitch who was watching you, what it was like, how you made people act so funny. He said ‘twas that you made people see what you saw. Sometimes your eyes would glow when you would do it, too. Now, how about that?”

Your eyes… would glow? That was news to you.

“So how’s it work?” he asks, eyes wide and eager like a kid receiving a present. 

You think about it. Despite being with a notorious murderer, you didn’t feel like you were in danger. He liked to talk—maybe you could use that to your advantage. He definitely seemed like a selfish bastard, so it was possible that you could appeal to him some other way. You doubted he would sympathize with you, let you go, but perhaps he would be willing to give up just enough information for you to come up with a plan.

“How about we make a deal?”

His eyes twinkle with a deadly mischief and his smile widens. “What kinda deal we talkin’ ‘bout?”

“I show you what it’s like—nothing too bad. In fact, I’ll make it a pleasant one if you accept. In exchange, I wanna know what’s going on.”

The blonde’s cold indifference turns into shrewd attentiveness, which is the only indication that it might just work.

“Girlie, I think you got yourself a deal.”


	24. Levi Pt. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _you're everywhere_   
>  _except right here_   
>  _and it hurts_
> 
> Rupi Kaur

* * *

#### Two Days After Pastor Nick’s Death - Levi

They returned without you.

He can’t let it get to him. They have a mission, and that mission is to find Eren and Historia and now you. The mission hasn’t changed much, he knows that. You’re most likely with the two others, but he’ll be damned if it doesn’t mean the mission doesn’t have new urgency.

They returned without you. 

They successfully capture two MPs, one of whom blames them for Annie Leonhart’s disappearance. It pisses him off that no one knows the truth and that those seeking it are being murdered. He wants nothing more from them and it’s just another reminder that you’re missing. 

Something isn’t sitting right with him about your disappearance. They said that it was like you were there one moment and gone the next. It could be Kenny, and he hopes it isn’t. He hopes that some MP bastard got lucky because if it were Kenny, he might lose it. 

He can’t let it get to him. You’re fully capable, even if you were shot just hours ago.

Their plans currently consist of donning MP uniforms, infiltrating a checkpoint, and going through every scrap of paper, every piece of information until they can find a location. It’s a shit plan. It’s a real fucking shit plan, but it’s all they have right now.

He dismisses the MPs, tells them to get rid of them, and he says it like that to scare them shitless, but he knows his squad wouldn’t kill them. Still, Jean offers to take care of it. He doesn’t care enough either which way, so he lets him.

❦

Jean managed to test their mettle, and so they prove more useful than originally anticipated. 

His squad finds the checkpoint, and lucky for him, there’s an Interior Officer there. 

Using the wagon, the kids cause chaos, breaking through the barricade and taking them all out without having to kill any of them. He’s glad. He doesn’t want them to dirty their hands, but he knows that it’s probably going to come to that. He’d do it all for them if he could, but they’re outmatched. Kenny’s stronger than them with that gear, and if Levi sees you there, incapacitated in any way, he’ll go full fucking tilt and it might open him up to making a mistake.

He can’t let it get to him.

He drags the officer away from the checkpoint to their temporary campsite. It’s shit. If any of them sleep at all, it’ll be in the dirt ~~and he hates the fucking dirt~~. But it’s safe, for now. 

He’s going to have to torture the asshole. He’s great at it, but he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like fighting humans. Maybe it’s just hopelessly idealistic of him. He doesn’t like admitting that humans are monsters, too, sometimes, because that gets dangerously close to admitting that he would fall into that camp. As it stands, he doesn’t have a choice, really. He doesn’t have you to extract the truth from him, but then again, he doubts that if you were here they’d be in this situation. 

It’s been too long since Eren and Historia were taken, since you were taken.

He can’t let it get to him.

It’s hours later and the bastard still hasn’t talked. He keeps talking shit about the Scouts, about Erwin, about how there’s no hope of winning. 

He refuses to believe that because he won you, didn’t he? If he could do that, then he could do this. The Scouts were fan-fucking-tastic at losing, but he wasn’t losing this battle. Not this time, not with these stakes.

He can’t let it get to him. ~~It’s not getting to him~~.

Finally, he pops the shithead’s elbow out of place and that does it. He slips up and mentions that Kenny doesn’t like to make his business known. He doesn’t like that, and he really wants to break the rest of this guy’s arm but he knows that he shouldn’t. It’s not this bastard’s fault that Kenny outsmarted him like this. There’s a sound. People approaching. Shit.

Everyone hides, waiting to strike, ready to fight for their lives. 

It’s Hange and Moblit. They have news—the coup d’état was successful. The Survey Corps was completely exonerated and they are no longer being hunted. It’s a relief, but his chest is still tight. His squad celebrates, and it’s no surprise to them when he doesn’t—he’s kind of proud that everyone sees him as emotionless, as stoic when it’s actually the opposite. 

Shitty Glasses offers a possible location, and the tightness loosens just a little.

❦

They’re traveling to the chapel—they can’t wait for reinforcements. ~~He’s relieved because he can get to you faster~~ There’s the very real possibility that Eren will be devoured. If they had a titan or were somehow able to make one as you had suggested not too long ago, you’d be fine. You would be. They don’t respond to you, save for Intelligent Titans, but even then you had managed to weasel your way into each of their hearts so he doubted that you’d be in real danger from any of them anyway. It’s Kenny that he’s worried about. He raised Levi and that didn’t stop Kenny from trying to kill him.

Shitty Glasses is explaining the official report of the destruction at the chapel. They make good points. What would cause the kind of structural damage that was reported if not a titan? Why were there no reports of other bodies? No other witnesses? Something happened there five years ago. Something is going to happen there soon.

He has to prepare the squad to fight the Anti-Personnel Control Squad, but they don’t have any time. He can’t leave anything to chance though, and the probability that Kenny will be there is astoundingly high. They’ve never really trained to fight against him, not at full strength. He knows that his strength is largely unparalleled, but he’s starting to regret not pushing them more. 

Connie and Sasha are despairing a little, not that he can blame them. Connie wants to wait a bit, and he’s actually glad for Mikasa’s overprotective streak and how she immediately dismisses that idea. At least he doesn’t have to.

 ~~He’s not letting it get to him~~.

Armin and Jean start strategizing, having noticed flaws in the modified gear that they can exploit. 

Hange asks him why he didn’t know particulars about Kenny’s identity or personal life. It’s not like that was the nature of their relationship. It’s not like he didn’t try, or that Kenny didn’t shut him down. It’s not like he likes thinking about it. But learning of Kenny’s last name… It makes him curious about Mikasa. He and Kenny both experienced it. They both had to fight to survive and it was like everything just made sense. They instinctively knew how to fight, how to move, how to kill. If they’re of the same bloodline, perhaps Mikasa experienced that, too? Despite her head up Eren’s ass, she’s a really strong soldier.

* * *

#### The Reiss Chapel - Levi

They finally arrived and he’s eager to get started. Armin has prepared barrels full of gunpowder and gas to fill the cavern with smoke and decrease their visibility and accuracy. But he needs to know.

“Is everyone here ready? ‘Cause you’re all about to dirty your hands.”

He receives no complaints. They seem unsure, still hesitant, but ultimately determined to do what needs to be done. 

“Guess that’s a yes.”

They push the barrels down the staircase, waiting to hear them land and settle. Everyone runs out, ready to fight. Sasha’s bow is ready, flaming arrow notched, and it hits its mark. Not like he expected anything else. It takes a second, but the flames finally catch and sure enough, the room fills with smoke. 

Not ideal to fight in, but better than their other options. 

Levi pushes through the clouds of smoke, eyes sharp as he counts all of Kenny’s men. He hears the shouts and is glad that Hange and Armin fired the flares when they did. It prevents either him or Mikasa from being hit. 

Once he has the count, he calls it. He needs this to be done. He needs to get to you three. He drops into the smoke so they can attack from below. 

Someone commands them to scatter, to surround them, but he knows better. They may have the numbers, but he has the better soldiers. He can hear Jean, Connie, and Hange’s gear being deployed and he hopes they remember Armin’s careful deconstruction of the flaws in their ODM gear. 

He and Mikasa are taking as many out as they can, but it’s still not enough. They need to be done with this. He hears Armin call for Connie to retreat into the smoke, and he’s relieved that at least those two seem to be okay. 

Another two down. Mikasa overwhelms them, desperate to get to Eren. He finds the leader and takes out the men following her. He’s getting close to taking her out—as far as he can tell, she’s the most dangerous enemy of theirs right now. Until—

“Woohooo!”

_Shit!_

Kenny misses his shot as Levi swings past a column. He has to pause. Kenny still outmatches him at the moment, and both of them know it. 

He’s not going to let it get to him. He’s not the same kid Kenny found all those years ago, nor is he that kid who he left. 

“Hey, Levi. I don’t exactly have time to waste on ya but I just can’t have ya gettin’ any further. Of course, that pretty little girl of yours will be waitin’ for ya when this is all said and done.” 

He added that to get under Levi’s skin—he knows this. He’s not letting it get to him ~~it’s not getting to him~~. He hears the metal clang of Kenny reloading and figures out what he has to do. 

“So be it—I’ll just hav’ta play.”

Kenny’s gear goes off and Levi adjusts so he’ll be under him. It works—catches him off guard. There’s minimal distance gap, giving him the edge and he uses it, only for Kenny to block. They struggle and Kenny remarks, “You’re a lively one. Damn.” He didn’t survive the Underground, the titans, to die here. 

They separate, go in different directions. Kenny uses the distance to fire off two shots, but Levi’s already behind the other pillar. Kenny’s leading him, he knows this, but once he takes care of Kenny the rest of this is easy. He sees a busted barrel down below, and a bag of gas intact. He takes a second to grab it and continues the pursuit.

“Ain’tcha tired of this game yet? All right.” He doesn’t see Kenny ahead of him anymore, and as soon as he hears Kenny’s voice behind him, he knows. “I taught ya this one: when you’re chasin’ your enemy you shouldn’t just stare straight ahead!”

He knows this. He’s fucking up—he knows combat like the back of his hand, but it’s fucking him up that it’s Kenny and it’s you.

He can’t let it get to him.

Kenny fires, hitting his target and destroying one of the wooden platforms directly above where he’s heading. He dodges and lures Kenny into thinking he’s tired. Kenny comes in, that fucking blade ready. He escapes, but he gets nicked. 

He needs to end this. He unlatches the bag of oil he attached to his belt and throws it at Kenny, knowing he’s about to shoot. He does, and as soon as it ignites, Levi flies through it. Kenny parries his blade with his knife, but he has the advantage. He’s on the offensive, he has the momentum, and he slices, blood covering his blade.

“You—bastard! That really hurt,” Kenny huffs, trying to get away. Levi pursues, but he hears Hange’s grunt, he sees her collapse. The Anti-Personnel Control Squad retreats, using their concern over Hange to their advantage. 

_Shit._

They drop the net, and his squad can’t move forward. There’s a grate above them, it seems to be made of wood, perhaps they can use that to get out, at least get Hange out. They’re out of gunpowder, which would be the best way for them to get through. 

Before he can worry about it much more, the light of a titan transforming illuminates the cavern. Shit. He can only hope that it’s Eren and not another one trying to eat him, but he knows the odds aren’t favoring him today. Despite the distance between the transformation and his squad, he feels the heat. The entire structure is rumbling and the force emitted by the titan is enough to start cutting through the pillars. 

Shit, it’s not Eren.

Armin calls him and points out that the vent form before has been cleared. He orders Armin and Moblit to get Hange to safety. He wants to get the rest of them out of there, but he knows he’s going to need the help. The netting comes loose and they’re able to squeeze by. They come across the chamber and watch as the largest titan they ever saw continues to form.

Eren is suspended by chains, and you and Historia are both actively working to unlock them. Historia flies backward with the keys and you’re hanging on only because you managed to wrap your arms around Eren.

You notice their arrival and call for the keys. None of them respond, so he calls for them again.

“Give me the keys!” 

He and Jean go to stabilize Eren as best as possible while Levi starts to unlock his left arm and you’re waiting for the keys just beneath him. Eren starts demanding they leave him, they escape, and Levi swears your eyes turn red for a moment as he drops the keys to you.

_“Shut the fuck up with that shit, Eren! I already told you, he manipulated the facts! I’ll show you when we get the fuck out of this mess, goddammit, but right now I need you to stop being a little shit!”_

You pass the keys to Jean and let go. 

“Stop whining, you half-naked weirdo! We have gunmen and a titan coming at us, so pipe down!”

Jean manages to get it unlocked in time just as the ceiling begins caving. Their retreat is aided by the continual blasts coming from that monster, but now they’re trapped against the wall with no way out. 

Eren starts to collapse and cry, before Jean and Connie begin talking him down.

He has to. He hates that it keeps coming to this, that he keeps handing down ultimatums, especially to Eren. He believes that people should have the opportunity to choose, but it’s becoming more and more frequent that the choices keep devolving into the lesser of two evils. Shit.

“Listen. I really hate that I do this to you all the time, but you’ve gotta make a choice here.” Eren steels himself with determination before grabbing a small bottle next to him and running towards the titan.

He transforms and you run forward. Sure enough, Eren is creating a crystalline structure to save them all. Following you, he shouts for everyone else to follow suit. He throws himself against you and crushes you against him as the ceiling comes down.

He didn’t let it get to him.


	25. The Uprising Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ the truth is _
> 
> _ i am hoping your hands _   
>  _ know a thing or two _   
>  _ about tenderness. _   
> 
> 
> Alison Malee, "questions for a lover" 

* * *

#### Reiss Estate - Chapel Ruins

You’re so fucking tired.

Whatever the fuck was all that, you’re just fucking tired.

You had learned… a lot from Kenny. About the Reiss family titan. About how Intelligent Titans were passed on. About the apparent benevolence that transcended generations. About how Rod wanted to push you into some kind of forced advisor role for Historia. About how Rod was a coward and a liar.

Historia kept saying that her father was a friend to humanity, that he only acted in the interests of humanity, but you could see through that shit. She was desperate for affection, attention, recognition from her father, from someone who had previously abandoned her. You tried calling him out on it, on his cowardice, so putrid and pungent you could almost smell it from across the chamber. 

He didn’t let you touch them, show them the truth of the memories they were inheriting. He took their desperate desire to end the titan problem and twisted it so that he could retain his limited sphere of influence. You were beyond proud when Historia threw him and you heard that crack. 

And then that motherfucker, that shit who refused to take responsibility for his own lineage for decades, letting his brother and his daughter succumb to that curse, decided that he would do it. If you had your blades, you would have tried to end him there. 

Now that it’s all said and done and everyone’s here and safe, you just want to sleep. But now you all have this giant fucking caterpillar death titan to deal with, not to mention breaking Eren out of the crystalized husk which has taken too long to accomplish.

Levi gets excited. You guys finally have a shot at reclaiming Wall Maria. You guys finally have concrete proof that you will be outside of the Walls soon. But it’s bittersweet. The cost for you to have come here is high. It isn't something you wouldn’t forget. When you asked Erwin that question months ago, you believed that _you_ would be paying the price, not your comrades. Not with their lives.

You keep an eye on Eren, knowing that whatever they did to him's having lasting effects. While you weren’t going to play ball with Rod’s plan, you would care for Eren and make sure he received the help he needed.

Sasha and Connie descend from a crack in the ceiling, signifying that there's a safe way out. Apparently in the shoot out prior to this, Hange had been shot through the shoulder with the grappling hook. Lucky for them, Levi made certain that Armin traveled with them. 

“Let’s go. We have a big ass titan to catch.”

You, Historia, and Eren need assistance getting out as none of you have your gear. Jean had offers to lift you out, but Levi brushes him off and orders him to help Historia. You two are the last to make your way out of the cave, but before he lifts you out of there, he held you to him without saying a thing.

Reaching the surface, the devastation of the chapel and the landscape is massive. The surrounding vegetation's either burnt or actively burning, and in the distance, Rod’s titan is releasing so much steam it looks like a far off city. His limbs are too frail to support his massive body, but each time he drags himself forward the shocks are felt from kilometers away. 

As you trail behind him, you keep an eye on Hange and check in with Historia and Eren. After seeing the true nature of her father, Historia is eager to let you clarify her memories. Knowing what to look for, you are able to unlock those previously blocked memories, allowing her to cherish the memories of her sister. Eren outright rejects your help, telling you that he deserved to be eaten and that his dad had stolen humanity’s opportunity to be free of the titan curse. Having just experienced the hell day that was today and not being listened to by any of them, you slap him in pure frustration. 

“Cut your shit out. That’s not what happened. You’re just feeling bad because of what happened with Reiner and Bertolt and your inability to harden. You just proved to us that these past couple weeks were flukes. You’re able to do this, so stop fucking crying and do it. If you need help, we’re here to help.”

Erwin intercepts Levi Squad, much to the collective relief. After briefly checking in, he orders you all to proceed to Wall Sina, wherein you would be coming up with a plan to take down the titan at Orvud District. 

You allow yourself to doze while Historia, Jean, and Armin take to trying to dissuade Eren’s destructiveness and self-loathing. 

You arrive at the Orvud Regiment Branch and Levi has to nudge you awake. Getting off the cart, you see that everyone is here, everyone ready to deal with the threat. You stop as Levi addresses Historia. 

“This is an order from Erwin: Once we finish off this titan, seeing as you’re the true successor to the throne, you’ll become queen.” He ignores most of your guys’ reactions, explaining that the people deserve a true ruler, that they wouldn’t follow military rule forever. 

No one is happy with the order.

Connie and Jean both speak up in defense of Historia, and all you can think is how here is the most intimidating man in the entire military telling the future queen what to do, and how that's going to bite him in the ass. But to all of your surprise, she accepts, under the condition that she is allowed to participate in the upcoming mission to its fullest extent.

* * *

#### Wall Sina - Orvud District

Standing on top of Wall Sina, you watch as poorly trained military personnel try to take on a titan that proved to be a significant problem for the Survey Corps. Both the wall-mounted and ground cannons do absolutely nothing to deter the titan. He continues at his steady pace. The closer he gets, the hotter it gets. You had ensured that there would have been plenty of water for all soldiers atop the Wall and down below to prevent burns.

This is going to fucking suck.

But Erwin used you, trusted you (damn, it felt good to _actually_ be utilized). You were able to turn his gamble into a guarantee. The friction from dragging himself across the land was going to guarantee the lack of barrier, the lack of protection for his gushy interior. Eren would be able to successfully deliver the gunpowder, resulting in the obliteration of the damn thing. Historia would be safe and would deal the killing blow. But they maintain appearances. Even if the main threats to your existence are dealt with, you are still at risk from selfish parties.

He draws nearer, and you check in with the soldiers. With your rib in its current condition, you are to stay on as medical personnel only. Once the attack would begin, you would be alongside Erwin. You hate it. 

His head hits the wall, steam blasting you all just like that day after graduation. But this time you are ready for it. 

“Agh! It’s so hot!!”

“WATER, NOW,” you command. They douse themselves for the first time.

__

_LOOK OUT_

“CLEAR OUT!”

The steam only increases in temperature as his head makes it past the top of the wall. His hands reach, slowly, until they grasp the top. He props himself up, and sure enough, he is exposed. You can practically hear Hange drooling in the background at the missed opportunity to capture it.

You make another round, unwilling to open your mouth at that point. Second time. 

Fuck, it is scalding. Its grip tightens, and Levi dismisses the Garrison. Third time.

You take position next to Erwin. You fire off an acoustic shot. Fourth time.

Eren transforms, gathering the net with the barrels of gunpowder. Everyone is in position and Erwin fires the red flare. The titan's grip is disrupted and his head comes crashing back into the wall as he loses balance. Erwin signals for Eren to move. Rod screams, widening the hole in his face and— 

Chunks of titan larger than horses go flying. Your team take off after the meat, slicing until you see it—the vertebrae and Historia hurtling towards it.

* * *

#### Chapel Ruins

Levi specifically requested that you joined him in evaluating the collapsed chapel and whether Erwin suspected anything, he didn’t indicate. You both appreciate it. You arrive by sundown, and without needing to search, you find Kenny.

“Levi!” 

He comes when called, though he isn’t too far away to begin with. Kenny is badly burned, his right side completely scalded. He has a deep cut on his forehead—though head wounds always bleed profusely—and the deep slice that will ultimately be the death of him. It is going to be slow.

“Ah, shit. Not you ag—” he starts hacking up blood. Bringing out a black case, you visibly startle and Levi carefully examines it. Kenny opens it to reveal a syringe and the vial necessary to transform someone into a titan. Levi tenses, but you know better. You sense no danger from him, just a desire to pass it on. 

“Swiped this outta Rod’s bag back in the cave. Seems if I just stick myself, I’ll turn into a big, strong titan. One of the dumb ones, unfortunately. But your girlie there knows better. I reckon you do, too.” After Levi presses, he coughs up a pathetic excuse. “‘M afraid if I don’t inject it just right, I’ll turn up all messed up like.”

“I know you’re not just sitting here waiting to bleed to death,” Levi starts.

He is surprised when you kneel next to Kenny.

“No. We had a deal,” you tell Levi. “A word once given. I have to uphold my end.” 

Kenny supplements this by telling him that he wanted his dream to come true. What went unspoken was that you were the key to that. He wanted compassion, peace. Something that eluded him all his life. “We humans… We’re all the same. For some it’s drinking. Some it’s women. Some it’s even religion… Family. Dreams. Children. Power. All of us have to spend our lives drunk on something, else we’d have no cause to keep pushin’ on,” he pauses, needing extra effort to breathe. “What’s your poison, runt? Heroics?” 

Levi grabs Kenny, desperate for something. For answers. But you know all that Kenny had to offer. You still let him ask the question he needs a clear answer to. “Tell me. Who are you? What were you to my mom?”

“Heh! You dumbass. I was her brother.” 

“That day. Why did you leave?”

“Because,” he wheezes. “I wasn’t cut out—to be somebody’s dad.” He is going, you can tell, so you place a hand on his cheek and take him to the future. To the sea. And you push all of the emotions that you had felt that first time you saw it onto him. As he draws his last breath, he pulls your hand away. 

You two sit in that forest for a while. It is a lot for Levi to take in, and you offer what answers you can.


	26. Tea Tree & Mint *

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Let's continue this conversation in bed, she whispered, my legs can't wait to hear what your hands have to say._
> 
>   
> Michael Faudet, "The Conversation" 

It’s the night after Rod’s titan was killed. There are two more days until the Coronation of Queen Historia in Mitras, and you two are to report to Mitras by tomorrow evening. But tonight? Tonight’s just for the two of you. You two return to Orvud, and instead of staying at the regiment branch, Levi persuades you to stay at an inn with him—not that you need persuading.

It’s nice. He’s gone to bring back food, and you’re taking a moment to enjoy the luxuries afforded to Interior Inns. You have two candles lit in the bathroom, light floral scents wafting in the air. You’re in the bath, water still warm. It’s almost enough to lull you to sleep, that is, until you hear the gentle shut of the bedroom door.

The water sloshes as you adjust your pose, head now resting on your crossed arms as they lay across the side of the bath. The bathroom door is cracked, but you know he’s coming in soon. Listening intently, you hear the china as it’s carefully placed, light clinking as silverware is adjusted. 

“You come bearing gifts?” you lead. 

“You could say that,” he answers, opening the door to watch you. You offer him a contented smile in response before going to drain the water. He turns to grab a towel before bringing it to you, not bothering to hide the way his eyes rove over you. He opens it up, but before you can lean in, he offers, “Let me.”

You watch as he pulls forth one of your legs, setting it on the edge of the tub before gently drying you. Once done with the first leg, he starts on the second, and you think you can see the barest hint of hunger in his eyes.

It had been a lovely dance between you two, seeing who would crack first. Well. You both know that it would be you—but you delighted in teasing him mercilessly, trying to get him to give, to succumb. He’s determined to get you into a riled, begging mess before taking you, and at this point, you’re ready to give in. 

Moving upwards, he lifts his face upwards, making eye contact as he deliberately dries you. He stops, and your mouth opens to speak before his lips connect to the flesh on your hip. It’s gentle, but your skin is on fire and it feels heavenly. The tiniest gasp leaves you as he bites down—a tease, really. Hard enough for you to feel it, but light enough that it leaves you needing more. He stops, a smug smile appearing on his face as he continues massaging you dry.

“You—you don’t play nice,” you accuse, already breathing a little harder.

He graces you with a devilish smile before he responds, “I never said I did.” His lips reconnect, a little higher, but just as light. “You could just,” another bite, a little harder, “give in.” He kisses it, enjoying the shudder that passes through your body.

Your mind is starting to become clouded and you bite your tongue in an attempt to clear it—it’s more fun to draw it out, to continue the game. “But you already know,” you start, voice dripping with careful seduction, “that I want you, _sir_.”

“Ah-ah,” he warns. “What did I say?” He’s made his way to your breasts now and takes a nipple into his mouth, tongue feather-light in teasing circles. 

A light moan escapes you and it takes a moment before you can speak, despite the increasing pressure that is trying to distract you. He’s stopped trying to dry you completely at this point and one of his hands has started caressing your other breast, thumb grazing the nipple. “A-ah~ You said I would—unnh—I would beg,” your sentence turns into a whimper as his teeth graze your nipple. 

“Good girl,” he says before taking your other nipple into his mouth. He doesn’t miss the way his praise affects you. He sucks, hard, and removes his mouth for just a second. “What else?”

“That I would be yours,” you barely breathe out. His grip tightens imperceptibly before letting go. His mouth releases your nipple and continues its ascent. He leaves open-mouthed kisses on your chest before biting down on your clavicle. His left hand is gripping your ass, hard, and his right is on your lower back, pulling you closer. You give him a breathy moan as he kisses his way up your neck, stopping just below your ear. 

“And are you? Mine?” he breathes, voice calm like this isn’t affecting him at all. He bites down again, this time on your pulse point. You can feel his smile as you keen and he begins to mark you. 

**“Yes.”** Oh sweet fuck, _yes_. 

He smiles. He kisses his mark on your neck before capturing your lips with his. Your hands pull him closer, one in his hair, the other on his shoulder. The kiss is sloppy, impatient, and his hands grab onto the back of your legs, pulling. You jump, and he grabs you. You nip his bottom lip as he begins to carry you back into the bedroom and he gives you a growl.

He tosses you on the bed and takes in the scene before him—you, wide open, ready, willing with eyes only for him. He climbs on top of you, savoring in the way that you grab him, pull him, bring him closer. His lips attach him to any part of your skin that they can and you gladly let him. Your hands are greedy, you can’t get enough of him, and he’s exceedingly overdressed. 

Swatting your hands away as you start to pull at his shirt, he instead starts to make his way down your body, trailing kisses back down your body. You whine and he gives you a sharp bite under your breast in response. “Don’t be a brat,” he mumbles unconvincingly before he places light kisses on your healing rib. 

“Not even if I’m _your_ brat?” you hum, watching in satisfaction as your voice goes straight to his cock. You hear him groan before there’s another bite, this time on your hip. It’s delicious, watching this man, who’s always so controlled, so reserved, lose himself in you. You feel his grip loosen before leaving you completely. He pauses, looks up at you, breath ghosting over your sex, before giving you the barest hint of a smirk—

_** Ah! ** _

A gentle lick, scarcely there, a soft kiss, and then he dives in. It’s… overwhelming. He’s relentless as he tastes you, drinks you in. Your legs start to clench around him and he uses one hand to pull you apart again while the thumb of the other greets your clit. He wrenches a heady moan from you and you squirm, writhe, twist against him. His tongue replaces his thumb and he adjusts his grip so that you remain spread for him. A particular flick of his tongue nearly sends you into oblivion and your hands find purchase in his hair, pulling him closer. 

“Ah-h! _Le_ vi! Oh, shit, I- ah!”

He doesn’t let up. He slides two fingers between your folds and finds your sweet spot without missing a beat. You’re so close to coming undone when you hear him command—

_“Come for me.”_

You come, hard. You’re seeing stars as your body spasms, electrifies. Your orgasm takes no prisoners, ripping you from reality, making you feel on fire as you fill with unfathomable pleasure. You float back down to lucidity, to the beautiful reality that is Levi gracing your flush skin with kisses and bites and _him_.

Everything is overwhelming  
Everything is perfect  
Everything is tea tree and mint and  
_Levi_

Everywhere, just  
 _  
**L e v i**   
_

You pull him back up to you with what little strength you’ve reclaimed and he obliges easily. You draw him into hungry, greedy kisses, relishing in the taste of you on him. “Oh, fuck, _Levi_ —” you pant as you frantically unbutton his shirt and pull it off of him. 

Your hands reach for his belt and you hear the soft release of a moan as you push his pants down. One of his hands snakes behind your head before he grips your hair and pulls. He swallows your moan, kicking his pants all the way off. His lips leave yours and trail down your chin, caressing your jawline with increasingly lighter brushes. 

“You want me?” he tantalizes, already knowing the answer. He pulls your hair to expose your neck to him and you feel his heavy breaths fan your skin. You nod in response, voice caught in your throat. “No, I need to hear you say it. Tell me.” His face is controlled, steady, calm, but you see it in his eyes—he’s going to fucking ravage you, ruin you, lose himself in you. And **fuck** , you _need_ it.

“Please,” you whimper, watching with acute anticipation as his expression shifts just so. “Please, Levi, fuck. Just—fuck! Take me, fuck me, claim me!” His lips smash into yours, demanding you, all of you, and you give him a needy whine. Your hands desperately grab at him, finding the hem of his undershirt and pulling it over his head. The moment you two disconnect to remove it, you hear him whisper.

“And what if I want to love you?”

“Then love me,” you beg, voice breathless. “Love me, Levi, ‘cause I’m already yours, fuck, just please—!” Before you can finish your plea, he’s everywhere, worshipping you, loving you. You aren’t even sure when his underwear come off but they are and he’s just as bare, just as exposed as you. 

He spreads your legs before thrusting, burying himself inside you. The sounds that come from both of you form a song that you need to hear every day for the rest of your life, you decide. He takes your legs and hooks them over his shoulders, starting a brutal pace. 

“Touch yourself for me,” he commands with a grunt, and you comply without hesitation. Rubbing tight circles on your clit, you feel that high coming back. He watches fervently as your climax approaches. His grip on your hips tighten, sure to leave bruises in the morning, but you don’t fucking care. He goes to reach for you, for your neck, but he hesitates, just for a second. You grab his hand and place it on your throat.

“Use me,” you moan before he squeezes, constricting your airflow in the most delicious way possible. He’s close, you can tell. He turns his head slightly and gives your leg a soft kiss before he bites down and suddenly you’re coming, violently, clenching around him, ripping an orgasm from him, too. He pulls out, just in time, and coats your body with his seed.

You two are breathing heavily as he crashes down next to you. You feel… indescribable. It’s all surreal, but he’s here, very much real, very much watching you like you are his whole world and it’s scary and it’s superb and unparalleled and everything you never knew you needed. 

After laying together for several minutes, he gets up to grab a towel and start cleaning you off. He gingerly picks you up and places you just under the covers before joining you, food from earlier completely forgotten.

* * *

#### Three Days After the Collapse of Reiss Chapel

You stir, body sore and heart light. There’s an arm draped over your side, holding you close. You shift slightly to see Levi still soundly asleep behind you.

You replay the night’s events in your mind, remembering a quiet little admission that came out, and you hope you heard it right, you hope that it wasn’t just a sex thing. For a moment, you catch yourself desperately wanting for your love to be reciprocated—explicitly. You want to be a little selfish, to receive as much as you give, because you feel like you give _a lot_. 

Looking over to the man beside you, you’re overcome with affection. You’d happily give him everything, even if it meant nothing, and you know better, know that he feels _something_ for you. You’ll take it. You’ll take whatever he gives you.

The room is lightening as night finishes its journey across the sky and the day begins. Levi’s breathing changes, and you turn to face him again. His eyes are still closed, but you can tell that he’s waking. 

He looks so… undeniably peaceful, like the weight of the world doesn’t rest on his shoulders, like he isn’t a weapon, but just a person. You delicately brush his hair out of his face and your hand settles on his jaw, admiring him. 

His hold around you tightens before pulling you just a little closer. You go, willingly, and lean in to press a kiss to his forehead. He opens his eyes, steel blue unbelievably serene. 

“Hi,” you whisper with a shy smile. He pulls you closer and gives you a sweet kiss.

“Hi,” he responds.

You two stay like that for a while, existing, forgetting the world beyond the bed.

❦

It’s the grumble of your stomach that motivates you to finally get up. Levi’s eyes flicker to the desk, where your guys’ uneaten meal lay.

“Shit,” he mutters. “We forgot about dinner.”

It’s true—it completely slipped your mind last night. To be fair, you were too busy attending to a different kind of hunger last night, but that did nothing to soothe your angry stomach in the present. But you decide to fuck with him all the same.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about—I was an innocent bystander last night,” you said, keeping your tone light and innocuous. 

He fixes you with a steely glare. “You are anything but innocent, demoness.”

“Demoness?!” you exclaim with false indignation and a bright smile. “You come in here and _seduce_ little ol’ me and you have the audacity to call _me_ a demoness? Oh, you wound me!”

“Shut up, little demon,” he responds, glare still there but with a simmering emotion just below the surface. He watches as mischief appears on your face.

“Make me,” you giggle as he’s on you in a flash.

“Insolent brat,” he murmurs in between kisses.

“Yeah, but _your_ insolent brat.”

❦

You two finally check out of the inn after he reminds you that you have a long ride ahead of you. You have a problem, however, in that despite making sure most of your bruises and love bites were strategically placed, you had two on your neck that you are unable to hide.

Levi is absolutely smug about it, but at your insistence, he was able to procure a scarf for you. If it weren’t for the coronation, you wouldn’t particularly care. Perhaps once you arrive, you can apply powder, but that is contingent on arriving on time, which is becoming increasingly unlikely.

Setting off, you manage to make it well after sunset. Levi explains it away by saying your injury was acting up, but you know Erwin doesn’t buy it, however, it’s Levi, so Erwin says no more on the subject.

* * *

#### One Day After the Coronation - Mitras

The coronation is unbearably extravagant but goes smoothly. The people absolutely love Historia because of her role in taking down her father, both the person and the titan. It’s as Levi spelled out—the people love the story of a hardworking girl taking her rightful place on the throne after disposing of the charlatan king. Her popularity helps smooth over continued frustration at the increased power of the military, something that honestly still bothers you.

Premier Zackly turns out to be an incredibly petty and perverse man, going to great lengths to torture the previous members of the Royal Council. You hate them for what they’ve done, but you still refuse to believe they deserve the treatment he’s giving them. Your uncle actually seems relieved when you manage to convince Zackly to grant you a single visit.

❦

You’re standing in the jail corridor with Levi (for “protection”), waiting for Aurille to be properly dressed in something, anything really, because you refuse to interact with him while Zackly has him trussed up. You want to make a case for this treatment to stop, but the Coup disrupted enough of the government, or that’s what everyone keeps telling you.

“He’s ready,” an MP guard announces, stepping outside of the cell. Levi checks before nodding to you, clearly not trusting their word.

Stepping inside, you find him—the man who haunted your nightmares for years. He still carries an air of defiance and disdain, despite being dressed in what you could only call the equivalent of a man-sized burlap sack. 

“Shall we begin?” you ask, although your tone makes it clear that it’s not a question. When he doesn’t answer, you start. “There are many secrets that have come to light in the past several weeks, such as the existence of a false monarchy and an oligarchy that did not care for the people under its care, that there exists a power held by the true royal family to alter all citizens beneath it, or that there are several families apparently immune to this power. I give you the opportunity to tell me the rest before I search through the Verite estate.”

“Even if I were to tell you, everyone will forget all of this and we will return to power,” he claims. “You won’t find anything on the estate, even if you had access to the chain of custody—”

“Oh, but I do. You see, I _am_ a Verite, and the government that had exiled my father and stripped him of his titles is no more, granting me his status. Before the property defaults to military control, I have the legal right to search it first. Not that it makes much of a difference, what with me being military myself.”

His eyes spark with hope. “If that’s true then you’ll see—you’ll make the right decision and help correct the wrongs committed here! We’ll grant you a place on the Council, give you riches, lands, everything once things are back on track!”

You hear Levi snort behind you. “The thing about you, about all of you Royal Council fatcats, really, is that you misunderstand what it is to work beyond your own self-interests. I have no interest in being _on_ the Royal Council or receiving monetary rewards, even if it were reinstated as you claim. I want the **truth**. I want to stop Humanity’s suffering, and part of that is dismantling the system you benefited from. Regardless, that is not why I’m here right now.

“Who was the First King and why was he set on Humanity’s destruction?”


	27. The Truth Pt. I*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i am the product of all the ancestors getting together and deciding these stories need to be told_   
> 
> 
> Rupi Kaur

* * *

#### Two Days After the Coronation - Verite Estate - Mitras

It didn’t surprise you when Aurille gave you nothing. Frustrating? A waste of time? Absolutely. Surprising? Nope. He paled when you had mentioned knowing about the secret room from your father’s memories, which gave you just enough to know what to look for today.

Erwin ordered a security detail for you, Armin, and Hange as you planned to enter the estate. With the massive decrease in veteran Scouts, the detail mostly consisted of soldiers from the Southern Garrison thanks to Pixis. 

❦

Hange and Armin spend too much time marveling at the architecture and the interior of the house, it apparently being something spectacular. You can give two shits—you’re here for the secrets of your family. It’s a little more difficult than you anticipated as there are bookshelves everywhere and unexplained space in the design of the house, but you find a locked door. You kick it down to Armin and Hange’s dismay and are met with a staircase to the basement. You didn’t even know this place had a basement.

Going downstairs, you’re met with an unassuming study—a large desk, a wall-to-wall bookshelf, and a family portrait. You inspect the portrait as Armin and Hange continue searching throughout. Armin heads back upstairs while Hange starts making a mess, pulling all the books off the shelves and leaving them haphazardly on the floor, trying to figure out where the mechanism must be.

Still, your attention stays on the portrait. Two adults with two children on either side. They are devoid of emotion, of any kind of happiness. The woman was stern with dark hair pulled tight and an unforgiving frown. The man looked remarkably like your father, but with cold indifference where your father exuded life, love. His eyes… they were like yours. Not just in color, but in the depth. He must have inherited the power you have. He must have known… What happened to him? And then the children… You immediately recognize your father, taller, more slender than the other. He looked sad. Your father had never told you about his childhood, but you never expected him to look so sad, so unloved. The other boy was plump, dark hair parted down the middle, with a smug expression that he wore to this day.

Who were these people?

You snap out of it when you hear Hange bump into Levi. Turning your head, you watch as they leave, dissatisfaction oozing from every pore, while Levi made his way to you. He doesn’t say anything but offers a glance at the portrait before turning back to you.

“Tch. What a mess. Oi, Four-Eyes! Come clean up after yourself!” You sigh and take in the mess Hange left. Bending over to start tidying and going through the titles, you feel that familiar little tug, that little buzz in the back of your mind.

_something’s out of place_

Taking in your surroundings, you consider _what_ could be missing, what could be irregular.

“Levi?”

“Hm?”

“Does… Does anything seem out of place here? Or maybe… missing? I-I know Hange just left this huge mess here, but I think there’s something missing here.” You turn back to see him looking at you like you’re crazy, like it’s impossible for him to be able to help you find what’s missing in the mayhem surrounding you both, but he relents and looks around anyway.

Continuing to clean after Hange, you hear him approach the wall adjacent to the bookshelf. He wipes his hand on it like he does when checking dust. You quirk your brow at him and put two and two together. Standing up, you turn to the portrait. It’s surprisingly heavy and you need Levi to help remove it. You feel the wall and—there!

It’s a brick that sticks out just a little more. You push it and it has more give than it should. Sure enough, there’s a click and a soft pop. Looking back to the bookshelf, you can see that there’s a gap where there hadn’t been a moment ago. Levi pulls on the shelf, but it seems like it had been intentionally damaged to prevent your entrance. He manages to pull it open just enough for you to squeeze through, and there’s the door from that first memory. 

Without hesitating, you step forward and turn the knob.

You are hit with a musky odor that makes it hard to breathe. You cough before covering your mouth and nose with your scarf as a quasi-filter. It’s too dark (eerily so) to see anything, so you call for someone to bring a torch. Armin obliges, mostly because it’s easier for him to wedge past the shelf and get to you. 

The room is trashed, documents everywhere, books strewn about, ash coating the floor and surfaces. 

“W-what happened here?” Armin asks in disbelief.

“WHAT DO YOU GUYS SEE?!” you hear Hange shout, disgruntled that they’re on the other side.

“Uh, it’s a mess!” you respond, taking care to step. “Shit. How are we going to get through all this?” 

There’s a series of grunts and the occasional “oof!” heard as the bookcase is forcefully pushed aside. Hange’s excited steps are the only indication that they managed to open it further. 

“Well, let’s get started, shall we?!” they announce, and the four of you get started.

❦

By the time you all emerge from the house, it’s close to midnight. No one wants to talk about what you guys learned. Not even Hange, in all their excitement and curiosity. Your soul feels heavy, and in all honesty, you feel like you want to roll into a ball and cry.

It’s… too much. Too cruel. The history of this place? Of you and your family? The Ackermans? You don’t have much notice before you get sick in a bush outside the estate. You heave until there’s nothing left, and then you heave some more.

Hange begins to head back to where you all are staying while in Mitras, but you can’t. You’re not ready to face everyone just yet. 

You feel a light touch on the small of your back, and upon turning, you’re surprised to see it’s Armin.

“It’s not your fault,” he murmurs. “You didn’t know—and even if you did, it’s not like _you_ were the one to do all of it.”

“I-I’m the result, the embodiment of their experiments, of those deaths,” you sob, the dam breaking. 

He doesn’t know what else to say, so instead, he guides you to a park across the way and sits you on a bench. Levi follows at a distance, keeping an eye on you two. Armin and you sit in relative silence for a while as you cry. 

“I feel like a monster, like the child of monsters,” you mutter.

He doesn’t look at you when he responds, “I don’t think you’re a monster. I think that you are who you choose to be, and from what I can tell, you choose to be better. You do what you can to make sure that people are okay and can succeed, and you’re doing all this for the betterment of humanity. I don’t believe in labeling people because I think it just serves to dehumanize them… I told Annie the same thing before Stohess. But so long as we look out for one another, I think… I think we can start making up for what they did.”

You two enter into another silence as you consider his position. Your eyes settle on the manicured grass in front of you and you act on impulse. Grabbing Armin’s hand, you pull him to the grass. You lay down on your back and he follows suit. 

“You always talk about what it’s like beyond the Walls,” you start. “Do you ever wonder about the stars? What they’re made of? Do you ever think that we’ll get there?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if they’re like little suns, with their own little worlds.”

“Could be. Maybe. My mom used to tell me that there’s a star for every person who ever lived, for every soul that wasn’t here anymore. But I think I like your idea, more. The thought that there are other worlds where there aren’t titans, there aren’t kings who abuse their people. Or that there are worlds with more hope than ours.”

“If that’s the case, where do you think they all came from? All the worlds?”

“Mmm, I don’t know. But I don’t really think I care. All I know for certain is that I exist and that you exist. Eren, Mikasa, Jean,... Levi. We all exist. And… It sucks, this life, but the fact that it sucks is kinda amazing in its own right, y’know?”

“Yeah, I think I do,” he whispers. “If titans and humans are really the same but at different stages in evolution, then there has to be something special that makes us unique.”

“Exactly. We’re different than them because we feel, because we can love and hate and _feel_.”

A soft silence falls over the both of you. You notice movement, and glancing up, you see it’s Levi coming to sit down on the bench. 

“Armin?”

“Yeah?”

“I never really thank you, I don’t think. I worry sometimes that I take you for granted, your friendship. I don’t know where I’d be without your support all these years. I’m really glad to call you my best friend.”

“You—you don’t think I’m too weak? A-a burden?” he asks, his voice small. 

You prop yourself up on your elbows to look at him. “Weak? Why would I think that you’re weak? You’re easily one of the smartest people I know and you never, ever give up. Why would I…? I think you’re gonna save us like you have time and again.”

He doesn’t respond, but you can see it clearly in his eyes—the doubt, the gratitude in your belief. He sits up and pulls you into a hug. You use the contact to show him. You push your memories, all the times he’s saved you all with quick thinking, all the times he’s been there as a friend.

“You have never been a burden to me,” you tell him. “If anything, I find myself feeling like a burden to you.”

You don’t give him a chance to respond before you start to stand. You offer a hand and he takes it.

“C’mon. We should probably be heading back.” 

The two of you return to Levi before heading in the direction of the branch.

“Armin?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

* * *

#### Unknown

__

_You are in this mysterious land. Expansive hills of white, soft sand expanded across the horizon. Looking up, the sky is illuminated by millions of little points, looking like stars in the night sky. There’s a light that dances across the heavens, alternating pinks, purples, blues, and greens._

_This place seems… supernatural. Transcendental. Familiar._

_You hear the gentle shifting in the sand to indicate someone approaching you. You turn and are met with a small girl with sad eyes and a sad smile._

  
**“It’s you. Welcome back,”** she greets.

_**“W-welcome back? Where are we?”**_

**“Hm? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You never remember at first. You probably won’t remember this when you go back, but I’m always glad when you come.”**

__

_Her eyes regard you with a certain ease, a closeness. You feel like you know her, but you can’t place where from. Even still, you take her offered hand._

* * *

#### Three Days After the Coronation - Mitras Regiment Branch - Mitras 

You wake in Levi’s bed. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, looking like he woke up not too long before you. Hearing you shift, he turns. At your open arms, he leans back and lets you pepper his face with kisses.

“G’morning,” you greet.

“Good morning. Eyebrows says there’s an announcement that we should be in attendance for.”

“Wh—wait. Did he come by?” you’re suddenly alert.

“Heh. Don’t worry. He didn’t see you,” he remarks, easily catching the reason behind your change in demeanor.

“O-oh. Okay.”

“Do you want me to tell him? About us?”

You consider him. While you two are unquestionably lovers, you don’t know to what extent. You two never actually talked about it. Maybe now is a good time to change that?

Feeling insecure all of a sudden, you look away and try to ignore the sudden feeling of blood rushing to your face. “I-I don’t know. Is there an… us? What are we? What am I—to you, I mean?”

He turns fully, taken aback by your sudden hesitancy. “Hey,” he tries to get you to look at him. You glance up before looking away, feeling absolutely foolish for this situation. He grabs your chin and makes you look at him. There’s a tenderness in his eyes that catch you off guard. “Do you want there to be an us?”

You feel like you’re about to cry, but you nod. “Yes.”

“Okay. Then there’s an ‘us.’ As far as what you are to me, you’re mine,” he breathes. “I don’t plan on sharing you. Understand, little demon?” He leans in, face centimeters from yours, before continuing. “You are the only one I want, and I don’t intend on letting you go now that I have you. Got it?” 

At your nod, he gives you a hungry kiss. Separating from you, he looks pleased by your dazzled expression. He places his thumb on your bottom lip and, without missing a beat, you open your mouth and give it a light lick.

His eyes darken, but he lets go of your face. “Don’t get carried away, little demon. We need to get ready.”

You feel relief at his words, comfort and secure in his assurances. You pull yourself up out of bed before heading to the bathroom for a quick shower.

Just as you’re about to leave, Levi pulls you into another kiss. “You didn’t answer my question earlier—do you want me to tell Erwin?”

“If you’re comfortable with other people knowing, then yes.” 

He gives you a smirk before you both leave.

* * *

#### Three Days After the Coronation - Royal Palace 

Erwin, Pixis, and Dok are all present with Historia. Zackly is nowhere to be seen, but you expected as much now that he was able to finally access the property of the Royal Council. They announce that in a month’s time, there is to be a coronation ball of sorts and that the military is expected to be in attendance. It’s supposed to be a symbol of the military’s acquiescence of Historia’s leadership, proof that they acted only in the best interests of humanity and harbor no remaining desires to retain power. What it is, in your opinion, is a waste of time, money, and resources.

But they don’t ask you, do they?

After the meeting, you and Levi approach Erwin, who’s currently speaking with Pixis.

“Erwin,” Levi calls. 

Both commanders turn and assess you two with differing levels of mirth.

“Levi?”

He bluntly states that you two are in a relationship with such indifference it's like he's announcing the weather. "This will not impact our ability to work together, nor should it present any complications.”

Heat warms your cheeks at the sudden attention of Pixis and Erwin while Levi looks bored. 

“It looks like I owe you, Erwin,” Pixis says with a wry smile. Erwin looks… smug?! Smug! Did they—?! 

Pixis signals for Anka to come forward. She approaches with a rather expensive looking bottle of wine that Erwin immediately takes.

“Thank you. Any later and I would have owed him one from my collection,” Erwin smiles.

These motherfuckers.

Pixis gives you a soft pat on your shoulder and a wink before you leave.

* * *

#### Three Hours Later - Mitras Bazaar

“You never have told me about your relationship to Pixis,” Levi starts as you two stroll through the bustling marketplace. He keeps a steady hand on you—your lower back, your elbow, your shoulder—to keep you within arm’s reach.

“Hm? Oh. He’s like a grandfather to me, I guess. He knew some of what happened to my dad and wanted him to be his second-in-command. My dad declined, but they grew close. Played a lotta chess together on weekends. Dad beat him, once or twice,” you smile at the memory.

He hums in response, eyes idly scanning the shops for your guys’ destination. “You really are a military brat through and through, aren’t you?”

“Hey!” you smack his shoulder before you see it. “Oh, look!” His eyes follow your finger before his energy shifts and he begins to drag you towards the shop.

It’s small, nondescript. Upon entering, you two are greeted with a pleasant aroma, floral and fruity. It’s cozy. Shelves line the walls, a mixture of books, tea sets, and teas filling them. There are only a handful of tables inside, but plenty of chairs. Behind the counter is a short, older woman with a warm smile.

“Good afternoon!” she greets. Taking in the man beside you, she recognizes him—“Captain Levi? Of the Scouts?” 

Your eyes flicker to him, knowing he’s not too much a fan of how others see him. He’s not upset. If anything, he looks satisfied. He approaches her and strikes a friendly conversation with her while you peruse the items on display. 

You’re surprised by the variety of teas. Green, white, black. Jasmine, ginger, peppermint. Chamomile, hibiscus, and matcha. So. Many. Teas. No wonder Levi wanted to come here.

And the books? She has cookbooks, books displaying art, biographies, poetry… You’re in love! You could stay here and drink tea and read and let the world slip by. You grab one particular poetry book. It seems to be a collection of historical poems and lyrics, fragments of what humanity was able to salvage.

_“...someone, I tell you, will remember us  
even in another time…”_

Tears fall from your eyes at the unexpected emotion. “Oh,” you whisper. Turning, you notice both Levi and the shopkeeper looking at you. He looks bewildered at your reaction to the book, while she gives you a knowing smile.

“I was the same when I first read that one,” she grins. You wipe your eyes as your feet carry you forward. 

“How much for this one?” She names her price, and before you’re able to take out the currency Levi knocks your hand away.

“Tch,” is all that comes out of his mouth before he pays. You two leave the shop with two bags full of tea and your book, wishing the woman well.

* * *

#### Mitras Regiment Branch

As soon as you return, a cadet salutes you. You look around, thinking he must be saluting Levi, but no, Levi’s conversing with Hange and Erwin in the courtyard.

You dismiss him, uncertain of why he’s approached you. 

“Sir! You’ve received a letter!” 

Sure enough, when you look down, there’s a sealed envelope in his hand. He hands it to you and you watch curiously as he leaves. Sir? Since when are you considered a higher rank than someone who graduated at the same time as you?

You shake the encounter off and open the letter.

_Ms. Vertrauen,_

_Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Herschel Vertrauen. My daughter was Miriam Vertrauen._

_She used to write to me about you, the light of her life. News has spread to Stohess of your accomplishments, and I must say, I understand why Miriam thought of you as such. You seem to be a remarkable young lady and I would be honored to meet you and to get to know my granddaughter._

_Please send a messenger if you decide to join me. Any day will do._

_Thank you,  
Herschel Vertrauen_

You warm at the prospect of potentially having a living family member that doesn’t want to use you. You don’t even let that dark little part of your mind speak up, remind you that he could just want to use you because of your new status as a Verite, a noble. That thought alone is enough to make you gag. Deciding to sit on it, you head to the dining hall.

* * *

#### Five Days After the Coronation - Stohess

You decided to take him up on his offer. The Survey Corps were returning to normal—well, as normal as any of you can claim to be—and the clearance and success of the Corps encouraged many from the other regiments to transfer. Levi Squad would return to the safe house to continue experiments with Eren and his newfound hardening ability, and everyone else would return to the castle between Trost and Calaneth. As Levi and Hange Squads were to be passing through Stohess anyway, you scheduled a small detour.

The residence is far from being modest, but compared to the Verite estate, you suppose it is. You barely finish knocking when the door swings open and a short, balding man with kind eyes greets you.

“Ah! You must be my granddaughter!”

His excitement is staggering, but you allow for him to whisk you inside nonetheless. He leads you to the terrace, and you’re greeted with familiar plants. A wave of nostalgia sweeps through you at the reminder of your mother’s garden in Shiganshina. 

“Please, please, sit!” he urges, holding a chair for you. As you make to sit, he pushes it in for you before running back inside for treats. You allow yourself to wonder whether the garden was your mother’s idea, or whether it was what prompted her to get into herbalism before medicine. He comes back out with a tray carrying tea, cheeses, fruits, and biscuits. It’s all so… extravagant. So foreign. That doesn’t stop you from savoring the delicacies before you.

“So please, tell me about yourself!” he prompts, eyes hungrily taking in your appearance. He probably sees your mother in you. When you were younger, everyone remarked that you looked more like her with each passing year.

“Aha, well, what’s there to tell?” 

“What do you like to do for fun? What do you want to do when you’re done with the military? What was it like growing up in Shiganshina?”

You laugh at his zeal before telling him. That you enjoy reading and gardening and fighting, much to his displeasure. That you had always dreamt of going beyond the Walls and you’re determined to do it and come back alive. That you have been starting to dream of a quiet little house and potentially running a tea shop if you ever get to retire. That your mother and father loved you dearly, irrevocably, unconditionally. That they loved each other the same way. That she had everything she ever wanted from your father—a garden, freedom to help treat those in need, a family, love. That she taught you how to care for others, and tried—and failed—to teach you music but how you only remember one of her songs. That you had been happy in Shiganshina.

He accepts everything you tell him, expression sometimes turning wistful and pensive. In turn, you ask about the life you never had here. What your mom was like growing up—unyielding and demanding and unbelievably compassionate. What the family was like—his wife had died shortly after your mom’s birth, but the two of them were happy together. The Vertrauens have a proud history of offering luxuries to the capital, such as music, culinary arts, literature. He himself is a composer, one who has been enlisted for the upcoming ball. You ask him if he was happy with your mother’s decision to go into medicine, to leave. He tells you that he was, that she was happy. He used to want for her to become a musician, to move to the capital, and live in comfort, but she was adamant about helping humanity. She was able to do that, so he’s happy.

It’s… nice. To have family again, to have this tie to the life you once had. He considers moving to Trost—it’s nearing time for him to retire and he wants to be near his remaining family. You tell him that it’s okay, that until the titan problem is dealt with, you’d rather him be safe ~~ahem ignoring the damage that you all caused in Stohess a few weeks back ahem~~. You promise to write him and visit when you can. Before you depart, he gives you a box. It’s full of some of your mom’s favorite books, some sheet music and lyrics, and a gown. At the last article, he tells you that he knows the ball is coming up and that you will most likely be in attendance ~~gag~~ and that this was the dress your mom used to use during concerts.

❦

You meet up with everyone near the Stohess gate. No one bats an eye when you add your box to the cart. 

“How was it?” Armin asks as you get into the wagon next to him.

“Surprisingly nice. He gave me some of my mom’s old books and music—I’d be happy to lend them to you, if you’d like?”

His eyes light up and you delve into a conversation about literature as you return home.

❦

The mood, for the most part, is light and jovial. Eren’s a little deflated after everything that happened with Historia, but it’s truly like returning home. Levi is pissed at the state of the house. On top of the mess that you, Jean, and Armin left in your haste to leave, the Military Police trashed whatever was left. Trying to curb his anger, you rally the team to clean before being prompted by him. Seeing his seething anger, everyone agrees to at least make the space liveable again before retiring.

He’s being grumpy about it—he wants the place spotless, but he relents when you remind him that it’s been a long week and that by the time you all arrived it was already dark. You’ll resume cleaning in the morning.

You can see he still wants to complain, so you drag him to bed and fuck him until the only thing coming out of his mouth is your name. It feels good. On multiple levels.

* * *

#### One Week After the Coronation

The house is _finally_ back to Levi’s standards and everyone breathes a little easier until you remember that you have training to do. It’s small stuff but Levi’s pushing you all. You think he realized how disadvantaged the team was during the fight with the Anti-Personnel Control Squad because he is _not_ going easy on any of you. Today’s an “easy” day to get you all back into the swing of things, but it doesn’t feel easy.

You all nurse the bruises blossoming on your bodies while you limp and stumble to the house. Levi grants you and Jean leave to make lunch for everyone. Now that Historia is gone (and there’s no meat for Sasha to prepare), it largely falls on the two of you.

“I overheard you and Armin talking about wanting to read sheet music?” he asks while dicing potatoes.

“Oh. Uh, yeah. My grandfather gave me some of my mom’s old music, but I never learned how to read the sheet music. I have her lyrics, too, but without the melody, it’s just—”

“I could take a look, if you want,” he cuts you off, still not looking your way.

“Really? You would?” you ask before thinking. “Wait. You know how to read music?” 

He turns away to move the potatoes to a pot, but you swear that the tips of his ears are red.

“Yeah, I learned how to play a song for my mom when I was younger, okay?” he says, voice getting increasingly defensive. You never understood why everyone teased him for his mom’s love—you’d love to receive that kind of love again.

“That-that’s really sweet, Jean. I’d appreciate that. It’s like being close to my mom when I can do stuff like that.”

He looks over his shoulder at you and you offer a genuine smile. 

❦

The topic of the ball came up while everyone ate, and the prospect of having to formally dance at, well, a formal event centered around dancing made you all balk.

Maybe Levi was feeling gracious ~~no you sincerely doubt that~~ , or maybe vindictive? Maybe he was just in the mood for a laugh. Jean admitted that he had, in addition to learning how to read sheet music, learned how to do a basic formal dance ~~for his mother~~. Everyone else wanted to see what it looked like, so Levi, in all his magnanimity, allowed you an hour to practice. While he watched on in amusement.

Jean kept trying to get Mikasa to dance with him, but she wasn’t having it. Sasha kept laughing in his face, and, despite Connie offering to be his dance partner, Jean opted to try with you. It is weird? Being so close to Jean while not trying to kick his ass. The dance itself is simple, consisting of four or so steps that you repeat while moving in a larger circle. 

Definitely not your cup of tea, so after apparently getting the concept, you decide to sit out. You can definitely see why Levi allowed this—Connie keeps stepping on Sasha’s toes while she can’t stop laughing. Jean looks frustrated and embarrassed at being the one to teach you all this, despite its inherent simplicity. The hour is up and you stop fooling around to pick back up with training (fuck it feels good to punch people instead of dancing—who the fuck thought that dancing was a good idea?). 

Entering Levi’s quarters to take advantage of his personal bathroom, you find yourself immediately rammed up against the wall with something hot and impatient pressing into your back.

 _Oh._ Alright.


	28. Levi Pt. IV *

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You have said_   
>  _all the things_   
>  _I need to hear_   
>  _before I knew_   
>  _I needed to hear them._
> 
> _To be unafraid_   
>  _of all the things_   
>  _I used to fear,_   
>  _before I knew_   
>  _I shouldn't fear them._   
> 
> 
> Lang Leav, "Thank-You Note" 

* * *

#### Collapsed Reiss Chapel - Levi

He was glad you were with him. He didn’t want to admit how much it affected him when you were missing. He honestly didn’t want to let you out of his sight, and he thought Erwin might have understood when he requested you to accompany him back to the ruins. You found Kenny right away, bloodied and blistered and dying.

It hurt, ached at seeing him like that. Even though Kenny had just spent the last however many hours trying to kill them all, he was the only remnant Levi had to his mom. He had so many questions that he was too afraid to ask as a kid. He needed answers. Kenny pulled out a little black box and you flinched.

What the shit was that? Why did it scare you?

When Kenny opened it and revealed the titan serum you and Eren had told him about, he panicked for a moment. You were too close, were going to get wrapped up in it—until he considered that he knew Kenny. He knew that if Kenny had wanted to use it, he would have. And you were completely unphased after the initial shock. You almost looked like… you knew better? Shit. You probably did.

He was shocked to hear that you had made a deal with Kenny because Kenny’s the last person you should be making deals with, but then he explains. He had a dream to turn into a titan, experience what his friend had. Compassion? Benevolence capable of transcending generations? It was what drove him, what he was drunk on to make it through this shitty life. When asked, Levi doesn’t know how to answer. His poison? His drive?

Kenny was going, it was clear to see, and you caressed his cheek. Your eyes flashed for a second and he understood—your deal. In exchange for something Kenny could give you, you could help him get what he wanted. Your compassion was devastating at times. It tends to flow from you, drown you and everyone else around you. ~~It’s part of why he fell for you if he wants to admit that he fell at all~~

The loss is… He doesn’t know how to describe it. If he can. But you’re here to help. You have some answers, too, that Kenny gave you, the other end of the deal. That he felt a big pit of emptiness and killed the MPs because it helped fill the hole, but he lied and said that it was to prevent the persecution of the Ackermans. That he tried to kill the titan king who ended up bowing to Kenny and begging forgiveness. That all he wanted was to feel like the titan king once did. That he was proud of Levi and his growth. 

It’s a lot, but he’s glad you’re by his side.

❦

They have to wait until Hange can send a team to investigate the site. For some reason, the crystal pillars, or what are left of them, are still glowing. Could prove for a potent source of light. But there are also the books, documents, resources on the property that could help shed some light on the origin of the titans. You and Levi are informed that the coronation will be in a couple days and are expected to be in Mitras before then. He’s not too much a fan of spending time in the capital, especially as it serves to be a harsh reminder of Isabel and Farlan.

He also wants to spend time with you, make sure that you’re okay, make sure that he’s okay. You two hadn’t the opportunity to discuss whatever the fuck you two were, if there was anything to discuss. He hoped there was. He wanted you by his side. He wanted you entirely. He’s a selfish bastard but at least he knows it. Maybe he’ll even call you his own. So he checks you two into an inn in Orvud. 

It’s too lavish for his tastes. The bed is too soft. There’s a stuffy sort of smell in the air. But they have a good variety of food and you seem to enjoy the prospect of a bath, especially since you haven’t properly cleaned yourself since being shot. 

Just thinking of it makes him mad—the fact he wasn’t there to stop it, the fact that you were in that situation to begin with, the fact that you kept pushing yourself until you collapsed. He was proud of you but he doesn’t want to be afraid for you like that anymore. And that’s the thing—the closer he got to you, the more afraid he became. But not being with you is something he’s tired of fighting himself on. You slipped into the bathroom and he promised to come back with food. He was curious about some of those dishes you mentioned months ago, with seasonings? So he orders you two lamb with rosemary and a side of fresh vegetables that aren’t potatoes. 

It pisses him off, the inequality. The fact that everyone in Wall Rose has to go without while the bastards in Wall Sina can live with luxury. But he’ll enjoy this with you. He’ll indulge you. ~~He won’t admit that he’s afraid that if he can’t give you the world you won’t want to be with him~~

When he enters the bedroom, you’re still in the bath. Good. You deserved to relax. After setting up the table, he went to fetch you. Except. You’re giving him that look. And you’re naked. And here. And okay. And it shouldn’t be affecting him this much but he’s certain that if he didn’t take you right then and there he might explode. 

_You will be mine and you will beg._

Fuck if he wasn’t swallowing those words right then. He wanted to give in, to fuck you senseless, mark you, tell everyone that you were _his_. But the thought of you begging stopped him from giving in. He teased you, and he wasn’t sure if he was teasing you more or teasing himself more but those fucking sounds you made. You’d be his. You’d give in. He wasn’t about to let you get out of it that night.

You fucking melted in his hands, turned into fucking putty, and he loved it. But he’s selfish and he needs to know before he claims you—

_And are you? Mine?  
**Yes.**_

And fucking damn him if that wasn’t the most beautiful word he had ever heard. Fuck if it didn’t still his heart at how responsive you were, at how you react like you’re made just for him. He tasted you and he had to taste again—he could drown in your pussy, in the fucking sounds you make. When you came, he knew. You’re his. There’s no turning back, for either of you.

He’s not sure if there’s an afterlife, a paradise or a hell or something in between. With the life he lived, he’s certain that he’s damned if there is an afterlife. But waking up to you, to the love in your eyes, it’s heaven. Of that, he’s certain. And if he’s a damned man then he’ll hold on to these moments of paradise as tightly as possible. ~~And you make it easier when you tempt him you little fucking demon~~

* * *

#### Verite Estate - Levi

After that unproductive conversation with Aurille, he came with you all to search the asshole’s estate. It’s the kind of place that he probably would have targeted back when he was in the Underground, and he doubted any of you realized the true value of the shit you were breaking. ~~He won’t admit to anyone but you that it turned him on when you kicked down the door to the basement~~. But of course, Shitty Glasses left a huge fucking mess in the basement and you needed help finding something and all he could think was how disgusting the basement was because of all the dust. You started to fuck with the painting and it nearly toppled you.

You pushed something and suddenly the bookshelf had creaked itself open like it was on a rail. It was obvious it was supposed to have opened more, but he’ll have to deal with it. You managed to squeeze past him and it made him anxious as the darkness swallowed your entire being. He roped in Shitty Glasses to force the case open more, and he was dismayed at how repugnant this room was. But his job wasn’t to worry about cleaning this. It was just to help find information that might help.

❦

He wasn’t expecting to find out what he did. It was… if he didn’t hate the royal family before, he loathed them now. The things they did to humanity, the way they were responsible for the titan reign of terror everyone was currently living in. Not to mention what they did to _his_ family. It sickened him. And there were two other Intelligent Titans that they had yet to encounter?! Fuck.

You threw up in a bush and he didn’t know what to do. He was glad that Armin was there because he wasn’t sure how to comfort you. 

_I feel like a monster, like the child of monsters._

You—?! You feel like a monster? For what _they_ did? That isn’t on you. You couldn’t possibly be held accountable for their atrocities.

He watched on as you grabbed Armin and the two of you laid in the grass. He briefly heard his name and tuned in to hear you and Armin saying that… the amazing thing was that any of you felt anything at all? That it was some part of the human experience. 

Huh.

What the fuck had he done to deserve you?

❦

He woke up just before he heard the gentle steps outside the door. He had shot out of bed at the sound of the knock and his head whipped to you. Peaceful, asleep, and very clearly naked under the sheets. Shit.

Opening it, he was face to face ~~(more like face to chest but fuck Eyebrows for being so tall)~~ with Erwin. Erwin looked surprised at Levi’s disheveled appearance, at the fact that not only had Levi just woken up but that he had woken up in a bed. Shit. Eyebrows probably knows. He took the message and Erwin said nothing more but he could tell. 

He returned to the bed and considered what to do. He wanted everyone to know that you were _his_ , but he didn’t want that if you didn’t. He also didn’t want everyone in his business, which the squad invariably would be if they find out. When they find out. Because at some point you are all going to have to return to the castle or the house and he loved the sounds you made too much to try to keep you quiet. That, of course, assuming you wanted to be with him like that.

Before he could give it more thought, you woke up. You startled at the idea that Eyebrows saw you. Well. Saw you here, with him. He proposed becoming official by notifying Erwin ~~he takes on titans but fucking forbid he makes you his by conventional means~~. Your hesitation scared him a bit, if he was being honest, and when he was with you that’s all he wanted to be. He didn’t want to lie to himself and he knew you wouldn’t lie to him. It became clear that you weren’t afraid because you didn’t know how to turn him down but because you thought that he didn’t want you. Oh. He had to fix that. Little demon.

After the announcement, he told them, Pixis and Erwin both. You looked like you wanted to melt and he wanted to kiss you then but he has appearances to maintain.

* * *

#### One Week After the Coronation - Levi

He hasn’t been able to fuck you since the first night back and it’s driving him crazy. He didn’t use to be like this. He had been fine before you came into his life. But now that you’re here and you’re _his_ he wants his hands on you at all times, he wants to be buried deep inside you all the fucking time. He doesn’t know how to say it, how to be anything but physically affectionate, and he needs you to know. He’s not as good with words as you are and he doesn’t want to leave anything to chance. So while he builds up the courage, the ability to even say what he won’t consciously think, he’ll have to show you.

But it’s hard when you two live in a house with six other people. 

So instead he’s taking it out on everyone. He was, admittedly, upset at the disadvantage that his team had experienced because he had held back with them before, but now there’s the extra edge of his pent-up frustrations. He can tell he’s hurting the squad, so he sends everyone back. 

He needs to fix this. 

While eating, the topic of the coronation ball comes up. He didn’t want to go. He usually doesn’t, but now it’s because the dress you’ll be wearing fits you like a glove and he’s afraid that he’ll lose control and ravage you in front of everyone. Not that he would be opposed to that, to showing everyone who you belong to, but it’s a little inappropriate. Just a little.

And he doesn’t dance, but he would for you if you so wanted. It’s amusing to him that none of the kids know how to dance, excluding Jean, because none of them have yet to have a reason to. To make matters worse, it’s a coronation ball, something where everyone will have to. He’d be remiss if he didn’t admit to wanting to see everyone step on Jean’s toes, so he allows them time to learn. He immediately regrets it when Mikasa refuses and Sasha is too busy laughing and you’re the only one willing to see what it’s like. He doesn’t like seeing other people touch what’s his. Especially since he currently cannot touch what’s his. He breaks it up and has you all resume training.

You come to his room to bathe because of course you fucking do and as soon as he smells the lavender and rosemary he’s fucking on you. You whine at the aggression and _fuck_ if it doesn’t go straight to his dick. 

“You know what it’s like to see other people’s hands on you?” he growls, hand snaking up to your throat. He squeezes and fuck, if that shiver you give him doesn’t ruin him. The hand that was holding your hip moves to the front of your pants before slipping in and finding your clitoris. He rubs tight circles before adjusting his hand so that his fingers could play with your lips while the heel of his palm massages you. 

_“A-ah!”_ Shit, if he’s not careful he’ll come before he even gets the chance to fuck you properly. _“A-are you—are you jealous?”_

“Jealous? Why would I be jealous?” he hisses. “They don’t get to see you like this. They don’t get to feel how wet you are. I just don’t like other people touching what’s _mine_.” He slips his middle and ring finger in your dripping cunt and—there it is. That sweet little combination that makes you flutter, makes that face, those sweet fucking sounds. He can tell you’re getting close and he stops. Not yet. 

He flips you around to properly kiss you and god damn you look like you want to devour him. Fuck if he doesn’t want that, too, but he just needs to feel your pussy around him. He pulls you into a demanding kiss, all teeth and tongue and desire.

“Get on the bed,” he orders and you comply with a delicious fucking smile. You strip as you approach the bed, and while he usually prefers to undress you, he doesn’t mind the show you’re giving him. His clothes are steadily removed from his own body as he follows you to the bed.

_“How do you want me?”_

That—that fucking voice is going to be the death of him.

“Ass up, face down.”

 _“Yes, sir,”_ you say before complying. He crawls in bed after you, admiring the view, the presentation. Getting impatient, you wiggle your ass a little.

“Let me know if you want to stop at any point, okay?” he says softly, waiting for affirmation. Once you give it to him, he brings a hand down on your ass. Hard. There’s a nice red mark on your pretty little ass in the shape of his hand. 

“Whose are you?” He spanks you another two times and you let out this luscious fucking whimper.

_“Yours.”_

“And who gets to touch you?” He slaps the other cheek before checking your face, your discomfort. But there is none—you’re fucking loving this. You’re going to be the death of him, you little demon!

 _“You do, sir.”_ You’re starting to squirm and he grabs your hips to still you before spanking you one final time. 

“And what do you want me to do to you?” Anything, anything you want and he’ll do it.

 _“I want you to use me,”_ you mewl and his breath catches in his throat. _“I want you to fuck me however you want. Use me please, sir.”_

It’s the please that does it. He slaps your soaking pussy with his dick before sliding in. Shit, you’re so wet and warm and he’ll never stop thinking you were made for anyone but him. A low moan escapes him because he’s so fucking close to cumming despite having just started. He needs a moment—he wants to savor this, savor you. He lets his hand wander over your back, your ass before he gives a gentle thrust. 

You look at him, eyes full of love, lust, curiosity… You look so fucking innocent and he just wants to ruin you.

He pulls out, slowly, deliberately, before ramming into you hard, fast, messy. You release a steady stream of _Oh, fuck, Levi, please, more_ and he doesn’t even want to pretend it doesn’t demolish him, doesn’t make him go weak in the knees. Your whimpers are so _fucking_ overwhelming and perfect and you’re trembling because you’re so close and he just wants to please you at this point—

“Come,” he orders and _holy shit_ do you, and you take him with you. He doesn’t even have time to pull out but his orgasm is so intense that he nearly blacks out. It takes a moment for him to compose himself somewhat before he pulls out and fuck if it’s not incredibly sexy to see your pussy coated in his cum.

He plants kisses all over your body, anywhere, everywhere that he can reach, that he can touch. You give him a contented hum before he gets up. You whine at the loss, but your body is jelly and can’t move. He walks to the bathroom and starts the shower that you never actually use. Once it’s a good temperature, he returns to you. You’ve slumped over a bit, but you’re watching him with loving eyes. 

“C’mon,” he mumbles, trying to get you into a position so he can carry you. He carries you to the shower and you’re nothing but love and affection now and you’re looking at him like he’s your world. He sets you on your feet and pulls you in for a shamelessly sweet kiss. Fuck. 

You step inside and tug him under the water with you. He peppers you with kisses and massages your body before you two begin to wash.

❦

_I could love you a thousand different ways and I don’t think I would ever get tired._

He knows that he could, too.


	29. Eve of the Return Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _the hardest thing in life_   
>  _is to remain human_   
>  _in a world in which_   
>  _it's considered normal to_   
>  _fall into a vacuum and_   
>  _not even care to claw_   
>  _yourself out_
> 
> Marisa Crane

* * *

#### Ten Days After the Coronation - Old Scout Headquarters

You find yourself remembering the first time you approached these doors months ago and how scared you were of the man whose office sits behind them. Nonetheless, you give three quick raps on the door and enter at the quick, “Come in.”

“Good morning, Erwin. You called for me?”

“Good morning. I did. Do you know why that might be?”

“Honestly? Not a clue,” you smile. He had largely dismissed you in your old role as assistant since the return to normal duties and you had been expecting your new assignment, but that wasn’t due until the following week.

“Really?” he asks, genuinely surprised. “I thought Levi would have let it slip, or that you would have extracted the information another way. In that case, sit. I have something to discuss with you.”

You do as he commands and wait expectantly. 

“I am looking to promote you to XO.”

You aren’t entirely sure what just happened, but you think your brain must have short-circuited. You open and close your mouth and bring your hand to your forehead like that’s going to fix the stroke that you must have experienced.

“I’m sorry—WHAT?”

“I would like to promote you to Executive Medical Officer of the Survey Corps. The events following the 57th Recon Mission have left the Survey Corps in dire need of competent leadership. When speaking with the veterans, Section Commander, and Captain, your name came up repeatedly. Your dedication to the success of both the mission and the physical health and safety of your comrades makes you my primary choice for the position.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve only been here for almost three months. I can’t possibly—there has to be a mistake. I’m not ready for that.”

He pulls out a folder full of reports and hands them to you. Some of them you’re aware of, having helped Levi complete them, but others are unfamiliar. Sifting through them, you see a variety of names, signatures. Hange. Moblit. Marlene. Klaus. Dirk. Even Shadis is in here. Nifa, Keiji, and Mike have reports included, predating their deaths. Seeing those three make your chest tighten considerably.

“Are you telling me that what these people have to say is a mistake?”

Guilt washes over you, despite knowing that’s exactly what he wanted. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

He gives you a satisfied smile. “No. We need you.”

An exasperated sigh escapes you before you respond. “Erwin, has anyone ever told you that you can be a real jackass sometimes?”

He gives you a heartfelt laugh. “Only a handful of times, and only by my officers.”

“Okay. Well. I hope you get used to it because I’m going to remind you. A lot.”

“I look forward to it, XO Vertrauen.”

You two take each other in. He looks perfectly at ease. In his element. You let the name roll around in your mouth before you decide to speak.

“No, let’s change it. XO Verite, if we must use my last name. With the history behind it, I can understand why our enemies fear hearing it. I’d like to use that to our advantage.”

He quirks an eyebrow and considers it. He gives you a nod before confirming the paperwork. 

Just as you are about to leave, you realize something. “Erwin, what’s next week?”

“Your promotion ceremony.” You nod, unsurprised. Before you leave, Erwin calls you back. “I would like both you and Levi to arrive in Trost the day prior.”

“Sir?”

“Meet me at the Garrison HQ the day prior.”

* * *

#### Unknown

_

You are in this mysterious land. Expansive hills of white, soft sand expanded across the horizon. Looking up, the sky is illuminated by millions of little points, looking like stars in the night sky. There’s a light that dances across the heavens, alternating pinks, purples, blues, and greens.

This place seems… supernatural. Transcendental. Familiar.

You hear the gentle shifting in the sand to indicate someone approaching you. You turn and are met with a small girl with sad eyes and a sad smile.

The question is there, on your tongue, but you don’t ask it. You two regard one another and in her eyes you see the tiniest spark of hope. She offers you her hand.

You take it and she leads you towards this pillar of light. 

_

**_“Why?”_**

_Without looking back she answers._ **“This is the source of all. You asked me to bring you here the last time you visited.”** __

**_“How often do I visit?”_**

__**“I don’t know. Time doesn’t exist here the same as it does for you. Where we are, we are everywhere and nowhere all at once. The beginning and the ending are one.”** __

**_“Oh. Will I remember this?”_**

__**“Probably not, but you’re getting better.”** __

_

You’re almost there, but you feel like you’re phasing out of existence.

_

**_“It looks like I’m going.”_**

__**“I’ll miss you, friend.”**

_ Her smile is exquisitely heartbreaking.  _

**_“I’ll be back.”_**

**“I know.”**

* * *

#### Two Weeks After the Coronation - Ragako Village

You come with Connie to visit his mother. You are able to relay his memories to the part of her that’s still in there, but you can feel it getting fainter. You don’t comment on what you give her, but you tell do pass on her reminders that she loves him. Since the attack of Ragako, you and Connie have gotten a lot closer.

It’s not that you two didn’t like each other before, more that you two just never really interacted. Not to the same extent that you and Armin or he and Sasha would. But now you travel with him once a week with every intention of doing so until… until a solution is found. Until one of you dies. Until you can’t anymore. 

“Hey, I, uh, I know this can’t be easy for… ah, shit,” he starts.

“What’s going on?” 

“Hah, uh. Did you know? About Reiner and Bertolt?”

The question catches you by surprise. It happened about a month ago now, but they still haunt your nightmares. It’s not as bad as it was, not by a long shot, but the betrayal is still fresh. 

“I didn’t realize until it was too late. Not until Annie. If I did, I would’ve done something.” 

“Oh. Even with your power, you didn’t—?” 

“I never tapped into Reiner, but Bertolt had tried to help me control it. Although, now that I think about it, it was probably so that I didn’t stumble onto something,” you consider. An image flashes before your mind, of Shiganshina, a roof, and Bertolt and Armin. There’s not a whole lot you can do about realizing that you will definitively be battling against them in Shiganshina but file it away for later. “But from what I could tell, he really did think of us all as friends.” You don’t want to say that you knew that he really did think of you as his love because you’re still not ready to have to face that part of yourself, the part that you sealed and sent away. Not yet. It’s coming but you need time.

Connie considers this. Their betrayal, especially Reiner’s, still weighs heavily on Connie and Sasha, having viewed him as an older sibling. Reiner had looked out for them, time and again. He had helped train them and push them and make them _better_. He had cared for them and nurtured reciprocity, only to leave, to condemn them all the same. You can’t speak for their motives, Reiner and Bertolt and Annie, but you can speak to the profound effect that their actions and presence had on everyone, and so you do.

“Listen. I know that Jean and Eren give you shit for still caring and ruminating on their betrayal, but I don’t think they’re being fair. It _is_ something we’re all going to need to overcome because that fight’s coming, but I think… We shouldn’t regret having cared for them, y’know? Like… just being able to care, for anything or anyone at all, is amazing in its own right. It helps us keep our humanity. Does—does any of that make sense?”

The look he gives you is enough to prompt you to elaborate, to explain where you’re coming from.

“Agh! Okay. We just spent the last couple of weeks fighting our friends and then other humans. It feels like—and maybe it’s just me—we’re losing our humanity. But if we can hold on to one thing, maybe, we won’t turn completely into monsters. Maybe we won’t completely turn into the things we hunt. ‘Cause it doesn’t matter if they cared for us, but it does matter that we were able to care for them.” 

He still doesn’t say anything, but it’s less because he’s confused and more because he’s contemplative. You aren’t even sure if you made sense, but it’s something that you’ve had to remind yourself. 

You’re haunted at night by what you’ve all had to do, what you’ve learned. You’re in a war, in a world with so many lies and secrets and no regard for life. It’s horrible, cruel, and you want to do better. You dream of something better, of a world without titans, without such base cruelty. It’s all you can do to try to create it, one step at a time. Maybe, one day, someone out there will live in that world.

You’re pulled from your reverie when Connie calls your name.

“Yes?”

“Thanks. For doing all this with me. For… trying to make me feel better.” He looks a little morose, but hopeful. He offers you a small smile that could turn into a grimace at a moment’s notice. You return it.

“Any time.”

❦

Arriving back at the safe house, Eren approaches you and Connie.

“We got a letter from Historia,” he starts. “She wants our help setting up an orphanage at the ranch where she grew up.”

“Wait, but isn’t that in Wall Sina?!” 

“Huh. So does this mean we’ll be moving again?” you ask, ignoring Connie’s question. 

Eren nods. “Yeah. We’re gonna start packing everything up after training this afternoon. Levi wants us ready to go before we go to bed tonight.”

You and Connie both groan. Levi’s been wearing you all out during training lately, exhausting you until your limbs feel heavy and like they’re never going to budge again. The only one who seems unphased by this is Mikasa, who is the closest to matching Levi’s raw strength and skill. She’s still yet to beat him during sparring, but the fights are still close. Must be the activated Ackerman power that you had read about.

“Ugh, when does he want us to start training?” you whine.

“He said a half-hour after you and Connie get back. We should get inside.”

With that, you all went inside. Sure enough, there were boxes full of food, weapons, and other equipment everywhere.

“Agh! No! Couldn’t you guys have stayed away for longer?!” Jean yells at your guys’ appearance. Eren continues to the dining room while you and Connie assess where you’re needed the most.

“What? Wait, they’re here? Already?!” you hear Sasha yell from the kitchen.

“Whose brilliant idea was it to let Sasha pack up the kitchen?” Connie shouts, running to stop her from stealing rolls of bread. 

“Sorry, Jean. I didn’t know that we’d be expected to move today.” You hold your hands up in surrender, but his glare doesn’t lessen. 

“You better get your boyfriend to go easy on us.”

“YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, JEAN!” you shout at him, face immediately beet red. 

Everyone had stopped what they were doing to watch the scene unfold. You and Jean would bicker, but never like this. Out of your peripheral, you can see them carefully recalling what Jean had said to make you respond like that.

“Wait. Did you just call him a horse mouth?” Eren asks with a wicked smile. Great. You just gave him another insult to use against Jean.

“No, I told him to shut his whore mouth! You’re the one who thinks he looks like a horse!”

“Hey! Don’t you start on that, too!” 

“Hold on, so you and Le—” Connie starts, but immediately shuts up at the sudden appearance of the Captain behind you. You don’t even have to turn around to know he’s there.

“What’s with all the commotion? You should all be packing.” 

No one moves or gives any acknowledgment of Levi’s words. Just. Intent stares between the two of you. 

“What is it, brats?” he asks, carefully enunciating each syllable with clear annoyance.

Connie tries to elaborate, but for some _fucking_ reason you decide to correct him when he says you called Jean a "horse mouth".

“Whore mouth. I said whore mouth. Jean has a whore mouth,” you say without thinking, without realizing you’re making things worse. When you do, you smack yourself in the forehead.

“He said to get her boyfriend to go easy on us, but I don’t—WAIT ARE YOU—?!” Sasha shouts before Connie’s hand clamps down on her mouth. Man. You two are on fire today. Everyone’s eyes widen and look between the two of you. Jean has realized his mistake at this point and looks like he wishes Levi’s look _could_ actually kill him because he’d much rather die that way than by either of your hands.

“Tch. It’s none of your business. Now get to work. You have ten minutes before training starts.” You feel him leave, but none of you move.

* * *

#### Four Hours Later

You guys return beyond bruised. Levi did not go easy. At all. Especially on Jean. Instead of continuing to pack, you have to make sure that everyone is clean and have no significant injuries. Jean has a pretty nasty black eye, but outside of some minor depth perception loss due to the swelling, he seems fine.

“You’re lucky he didn’t break your nose,” you mutter as you prepare a warm compress.

“I’m lucky he didn’t break my face,” Jean jokes. 

“That, too.”

“Hey, listen. I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I was upset and—”

Your sigh cuts him off. He hisses when you bring the compress to his face, but leans in once he gets used to the pressure on his tender flesh. 

“It was a pretty stupid move, whore mouth. But, honestly, I guess I feel kinda relieved?” He assesses you curiously with his one uncovered eye. “I don’t like hiding things, even something as small as that. I mean, I wish you had given us a chance to actually talk about whether we wanted people to know, and that’s something I’m going to have to talk about sooner than later, but… it feels like a little weight was lifted.”

“Wait. You guys haven’t talked about that yet?” Your scowl stops his inquiry. “Sorry. So what I hear you saying is that you’re grateful?”

You give him a light chuckle at his attempt to lighten the air. “Oh, no. Trust me, he got you back, but _I_ haven’t yet.” You straighten and turn to leave. Stopping in the doorway, you look back at him. “Make sure you’re ready to go. He wants us on the road by sunup. We’ll be heading to Trost before we leave for Ehrmich.”

Upon entering the bedroom, you find Levi sitting on the edge of the bed staring at his hands. He looks up when you gently shut the door, expression serious. You tilt your head, wordlessly asking if he wants to talk about it. He doesn’t say anything, but it looks like he just wants to hold you. You approach him slowly and just stand before him. 

He looks up at you, eyes clouded by affection and confusion. You step closer, moving his hands from his lap before straddling him and nuzzling your face in his neck. His arms wrap around you and you two stay like that.

“Sorry for earlier,” you murmur your apology into his neck. He grunts in response. “I know we haven’t the opportunity to talk about it and I know you like keeping private. I’m sorry.”

He starts rubbing your back before he speaks. “Tch. Don’t be stupid. It’s not your fault Jean’s an idiot with a—what did you call it?—a whore mouth?” His body shakes you with his chuckle. Your skin tingles in embarrassment at the memory of your outburst. “Does it bother you?”

“What, them knowing?” He doesn’t answer, but you understand that his silence is confirmation. “No. I feel… better, them knowing? I don’t like having to keep secrets. There are so many things that we have to keep guarded, close to the chest. I just… I don’t want to have to hide how I feel about you. I-I-I don’t mean that I want to kiss you or h-hump you in public or anything,” you begin stuttering. “I only mean that-that I don’t want to keep this part of my life a secret but if you want to then that’s okay, too, but I like knowing that people know that I want you and like being with you and—”

“You’re rambling,” he mutters as he presses a kiss to your cheek.

“Do you—are you bothered by it?” you whisper.

He considers this while he rubs soothing circles on your back. Your grip around him tightens a bit as you hear him release a short breath from his mouth, signifying his intention to speak. 

“No. I would have preferred if _we_ had told them, if at all. But I like everyone knowing you’re mine,” he confides. “I _do_ value my privacy, but I know that you don’t like keeping secrets. I don’t want to be your secret.” He gives you another kiss before adding, “I’m not averse to the prospect of humping you in public, but I think it would be best for us to keep our affections here, just between us.”

“Levi!” you push back, shocked by his tease, by his playful smile. As soon as you’re no longer curled against him, he grabs your face with both hands and gives you a kiss. 

“Feel better?”

“Yeah. You ass.”

“Little demon.”

* * *

#### Three Days Later - North Wall Rose

After the ceremony in Trost, Erwin gives you guys the location of the new safe house in the northern part of Wall Rose and the location of the decided upon test site for Eren to practice hardening.

The tests so far have been incredibly effective thus far. Hardening his entire body takes the most out of him, consistently knocking him out for a good hour or two afterward, but he’s started showing progress with hardening specific parts of his body to enhance his ability to climb or attack. Hange believes that in three weeks’ time you will all be able to return to Trost to better secure the boulder blocking the entrance to Wall Maria, maybe even install a weapon.

The property isn’t too far from where the orphanage is being finished, and it’s larger than the one you had been staying in previously. It even has a small vegetable and herb garden already available, as it’s technically a part of the Reiss estate that Historia approved for Scout use. Sasha nearly drools at the thought of having proper meals with beets, carrots, onions, and tomatoes. You find a small apple tree at the edge of the property, and you only share its location with Armin and Mikasa. You don’t trust everyone else to not ravish the poor tree. 

Since your relationship with Levi is out—somewhat—you don’t even bother taking up another room, which makes Moblit needlessly thankful. If there hadn’t been room for Hange, they’d make them travel back and forth between the safe house and Orvud. The poor man.

The two of you bond a lot as he helps you come into your new role and you make him lavender tea instead of indulging his drinking. ~~Although you do sometimes join him in drinking and Levi has to carry both you and Moblit to your respective beds.~~ Being able to stay in one place instead of traveling helps him sleep, and having you yell at Hange to do the same because “it’s their damn fault you have this fucking title” gives everyone a good source of entertainment.

During team training, you are all getting better at coordinating without needing verbal orders or confirmation. The trust is increasing tenfold and you’re becoming close enough and familiar enough with everyone’s fighting style that you’re all starting to move instinctively. It’s… pretty fucking great is what it is. Levi won’t say it, but you can see it. Having his team improve and trust each other like this relieves some of the stress he’s been feeling. It relieves some of your stress, too.

Just before the orphanage is finished, Historia asks if Levi Squad can go to the different villages and cities to begin gathering orphans in need of care. Armin and Mikasa head south to Trost. Connie and Sasha take villages in the southern half of Wall Rose. Jean and a couple of members of Dirk Squad go to Krolva, and the remainder of Dirk Squad split Utopia and Calaneth Districts. You and Levi are to enter the Underground—he as a previous resident with a terrifying reputation, and you as a medical professional to assess their health and needs in advance.

Your heart breaks at the disparity between Mitras above and the city below. The children are wary, not that you can blame them in the slightest, but you brought the apples you harvested and their hunger wins over their distrust. At Levi’s suggestion, you start singing the same song your mom used to. It’s not her voice, nor do you think it’s any good to listen to, but some of the adults who remember soften a bit. You think that they must see the resemblance because while they’re still leery, some approach you for help. Letting Levi take over with the kids, you take to cleaning cuts and scapes, wrapping swollen joints, and fashioning splints for broken or sprained limbs. A couple of people approach you with ill intent, not seeing Levi at first, but you use your ability on them and they let go in a panic. 

Before you retire to the military barracks, you send a letter to Historia detailing how many children will be coming and what accommodations and treatment they’ll need. You go to sleep understanding why your mom took on the work that she did. You go to sleep fantasizing about living in a small house while Levi runs a tea shop and you run a small clinic.


	30. The Ancestor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ the way you speak of yourself   
>  the way you degrade yourself   
>  into smallness   
>  is abuse _
> 
> Rupi Kaur, "self-harm"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mentions of torture, rape, and general dehumanization.

* * *

#### Unknown - The Ancestor

_She’s been here since time immemorial. This land, this realm separate from where she had started her journey. When she had first come here, first seen what the Source had to show her, she thought it was beautiful. More beautiful than anything she could have hoped to see._

_But she’s been here since time immemorial. It’s become repetitive, lost its luster._

_She builds and it gets destroyed so she builds again. Sometimes she has fun with it, the building. Seeing what different designs she can create._

_She can sometimes glimpse what they see, what they experience, but it’s different. Removed. Like a hazy dream, if she ever could have one again._

❦

_Sometimes people visit, broken and shattered and in need of her care. She will rebuild them, but they already have a design that she has to follow. It takes longer when she has to do it that way. But she does it because they need her._

_Sometimes she hears a disembodied voice that echoes throughout all this space. She hates when she hears the voice. It demands without regard for her. It sounds like him. Like her captor. She hates it. But she has to comply, to create what it commands. It’s been like this since time immemorial._

_And then there are **other** people who come. Who are here, but not. They have the key to this place and she wants to beg them to let her leave with them. But they don’t hear her. They don’t see her. They come and touch the Source and leave._

_Leave her._

_Alone._

_It’s been like this since time immemorial._

❦

_Until she sees someone new. It’s not surprising, the newness. What is surprising is that this person looks at her, acknowledges her existence here. She watches as this person’s eyes widen in fear and is dragged to the Source, forced to touch._

_She’s never seen that happen. The person leaves and she shrugs it off. She has a body to destroy, make disappear._

❦

_Some time later she sees them again, but this time it’s less intentional. It looks like they’re asleep as they approach the pillar. Huh. Weird._

❦

_And again. And again._

❦

_When they come, it's always like they're asleep, but it’s something for her to look forward to, to interact with. It seems like decades—if she can even remember what decades are—in between visits._

❦

_Some unknown time later, they appear again, but they’re awake. They look at her again. Intentionally. Their feet are moving of their own volition, but their eyes stayed glued to her._

❦

__**“Wh-who are you?”** __

__

  
_No one has ever talked to her before. No one has bothered to ask who she is, why she’s here. Does she even have a voice anymore?_

_They watch her with confused eyes and before they leave, she tells them her name._

❦

_Soon, much sooner than they had been visiting before, they come again. She hopes there will be recognition in their eyes, but they’re just as confused before._

_Oh. Perhaps they don’t remember? Perhaps they can’t remember? She doesn’t know because no one has bothered to look, to ask._

❦

__**“Where am I?”** __

_**“The Coordinate.”**_

__**“Oh. Why are you here?”** __

_**“I-I don’t know.”**_

__

  
_They leave before she can see them again. It feels good to talk, but she knows it won’t last. She doubts she’ll see them again._

❦

_But she does._

❦

_Each time, they don’t remember the time before, any of the times before, but each time, they’re still… kind?_

_They still acknowledge her existence in this place. They still ask questions. They… make her feel. Something. Anything._

_Each time they come closer, they seem to forget about their destination. They don’t acknowledge the existence of the Source, despite going there every time. They seem like they want to stay and be with her._

_She likes the company. This person is gentle and thoughtful, asks her about herself. No one cared about her, not really. Not now, while she rebuilds bodies and builds walls and new creatures. Not then, when she existed outside of this place. But they do. They ask after her._

❦

_She starts to look forward to the visits. Even if they don’t remember. She asks them about where they come from. About what it’s like, away from here._

_She hears stories about these people, names that sound kind of familiar and names that she doesn’t recognize at all. Annie. Bertolt. Reiner. Pixis. Eren. Armin. Mikasa. Christa. Erwin. Levi. There are some names that they don’t mention more than once, like Ansem, Miriam, Hannes. But she likes hearing about them. Anything to distract her._

❦

_Their eyes are starting to recognize this place, little by little. She grows hopeful. Maybe…_

_She doesn’t even want to finish that thought. There is no reprieve for her. No escape. From the chains that bind her here, from this neverending place devoid of time. There will never be a lasting companion. The fact that there’s even one astounds her._

❦

_They come back, and for a second she thinks they recognize her as she approaches. But as soon as it’s there, it’s gone._

_**“It’s you. Welcome back.”** _

_Even if they don’t know, she understands that they’ll still talk to her, still grace her with their presence before they have to leave._

__**“W-welcome back? Where are we?”** __

__

  
_It still hurts nonetheless, but the pain is something for her to hold onto instead of the vast nothing that she used to feel._

_**“Hm? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You never remember at first. You probably won’t remember this when you go back, but I’m always glad when you come.”**_

_She knows that they value the truth. From what they tell you, there are many secrets, many lies that hurt the people they want to help. Some of the lies remind her of the voice, but she can’t remember all the times the voice has given a command. She tries hard to forget about the voice._

_She offers her hand and they take it. Without hesitation. Without question. They trust her._

_This is… new. In a place without time, new is… refreshing._

_They visit less and less frequently, but when they do, it’s typically for longer. It almost seems… intentional._

❦

_One visit, they ask her about some stuff they learned. Something about Verite and Ackerman. Those names… they keep coming up while she’s here._

_She goes to the Source to remember._

_She remembers. She remembers how a great-grandchild of hers made the mistake of having a child, not with their spouse. How that child in turn had a child with someone from the outside. How her great-great-great grandchild was tortured. Mutilated. Stripped of their humanity. Stripped of their dignity. She remembers trying to help. She remembers how that great-great-great grandchild of hers was one of the first to visit. She took that child to the Source and everything changed for them._

_She remembers how after that, their children were summarily tortured, sliced open, infused with the monsters. Raped. Bred. Again. And again. And again. She remembers how she had to stop paying attention then. How she stopped feeling then._

_But so many children later, they managed to perfect it, get the result they wanted. And instead of feeling sympathy, they used that power. They would visit and ignore her and take what they wanted from this place. Until she started hearing the screams again. So intense and loud. After a while, the screams stopped. She remembers hearing mention of the second name—Ackerman. They didn’t get the results that were wanted, but they were changed invariably from that point forward._

_If she remembers hard enough, she’s able to put names to the visitors. The voice comes from Fritz. The lineage. Her lineage. The visitors are, for the most part, of the Verite lineage. The lineage of a royal bastard who had been forced to undergo experimentation. Sometimes, and it’s usually just once, she’ll get visitors of the Ackerman lineage. The lineage of soldiers and warriors and just as much experimentation and degradation._

_It hurts, to remember all this. But her current visitor, a… Verite, if she focuses hard enough, wants to know. And she has nothing better to do than to let them know. They thank her for giving them the truth._

❦

_The next time she sees them, they ask about the Source. It’s the first time they acknowledge it. She realizes they’re actually starting to remember._

_The following time they come, she’s ready for them. It’s slow going, but when time means nothing, it doesn’t matter._

_Again, there’s that hint, that look. They’re closer. She offers them her hand. She’s going to be the one to show them the Source this time._

__**“Why?”** __

_**“This is the Source of All. You asked me to bring you here the last time you visited.”**_

__**“How often do I visit?”** __

 __

  
_This is the first time they’ve ever asked that. She feels herself falter but continues. She doesn’t know how long they have here and she wants to help._

  
_**“I don’t know. Time doesn’t exist here the same as it does for you. Where we are, we are everywhere and nowhere all at once. The beginning and the ending are one.”**_

__**“Oh. Will I remember this?”** __

 __

  
_They understand they don’t remember. This… this is the closest they’ve ever gotten. She wonders if they’re starting to remember when they return, too._

_**“Probably not, but you’re getting better.”**_

  
_She can’t afford to hope. Not yet._

_Their grip in her hand starts to feel weak, immaterial._

__**“It looks like I’m going.”** __

_**“I’ll miss you, friend.”**_

__

  
_This is the first time she’s ever admitted that to them. This is the first time she’s thought of them as a friend._

__**“I’ll be back.”** __

_**“I know.”**_

__

  
_And they’re gone. Again._

❦

_This whole thing is horribly frustrating. She’s tired of building. Of being commanded—though the commands haven’t come in a while. She’s tired of being here._

_Her exhaustion has been like this for time immemorial._

❦

_They arrive again, but it’s there._

__**“Ymir. I’m back.”** __

 __

  
_They called her by her name. They remember._  



	31. Eve of the Return Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ By the cracks of the skin, I climbed to the top   
>  I climbed the tree to see the world   
>  When the gusts came around to blow me down   
>  Held on as tightly as you held onto me   
>  Held on as tightly as you held onto me _   
> 
> 
> "[To Build a Home](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUFJJNQGwhk)" by The Cinematic Orchestra ( _Ma Fleur_ ) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief mentions of torture

* * *

#### The Coronation Ball - Royal Palace Ballroom

The entire event is overwhelmingly stuffy and posh. It started much like the coronation a month ago—Historia was anointed with Holy Oil (whatever the shit _that_ is) and formally crowned before the military as they bowed in deference in the Royal Square before the Palace. The military leaders then swore an oath of fealty before Historia with the soldiers as witnesses. Finally, after three or so hours of “tradition,” everyone was moved to the Royal Ballroom for the ball.

The hall is much larger than you had anticipated. The symphony orchestra that your grandfather is overseeing is easily over a hundred musicians, yet they don’t infringe upon the remaining space in the hall. Most of the men are in their military dress, though some are dressed in formal civilian wear. The women seem to be the opposite, though you wager that the women are even more terrifying _because_ they’re in formalwear. 

Squad Leader Rico and Officer Anka in particular look absolutely stunning, but like they’re ready to murder anyone who dares comment on it. Of your own squad, only Mikasa, Eren, and Connie opted to stay in military dress. Even Erwin elected to wear his military medals on civilian formalwear ~~and he looked beautiful in his own right~~. At the moment, you were able to mingle, not yet forced to dance because you would eventually be forced to dance. Because “tradition.” Horribly chauvinistic tradition. 

The music comes to a lull, signaling for Premier Zackly to make an announcement. He starts walking towards the stage when Erwin pulls you back by your elbow.

“Sir?” you ask. He never touches you without your consent, much less when you’re in a civilian gown that leaves your back and arms bare. 

He leans down so his lips are near your ears. “I have a request to make. Nod if you understand.” After you nod, he continues. Levi has noticed your disappearance from his side and his eyes narrow as he sees Erwin leaning over you. “I need you to be discreet, but I need you to extract information from the Premier.”

Your eyes widen and you see as Levi stops breathing. Neither of you moves to draw attention to the absurdity of this moment, and out of the corner of your eye, you can see Erwin giving a polite smile to downplay his request should anyone decide to see. “Be covert with it—he’s unaware of your gift and I think it’s in your best interest for that to remain the case. You can be charming. Something happened during the revolution that worries me and I need to know whether humanity _will_ be in good hands with him leading our military.”

You’re uncertain of this, of how to act. You all just helped overthrow one regime, and he’s already talking about potentially doing the same to Zackly? But—

_Trust him_

Plastering a fake and demure smile on your face, you give him a simple reply. “Yes, sir. Shall I schedule a lunch between the two of us for later this week?”

The tension he was holding in his shoulders drops, just a little. “Yes. I think that would be advantageous. Bring the Captain, will you?”

He steps back and Levi comes to your side, eyes scanning you before Erwin’s retreating form. “What was that?”

“Touch me—my arm or something.”

He understands and holds out his arm for you to take. As he tucks it to his side, your other hand brushes his. For a moment, you see the instant replay of your assignment. His eyes shift to you as his arm stiffens.

“I don’t like this,” he grumbles under his breath.

“Yeah, well neither do I but we can complain about it later,” you mutter in response as everyone’s eyes are drawn to the stage and Zackly begins to speak.

Zackly gives a speech lavishly praising Queen Historia and the grace of her return to her rightful place before announcing the itinerary. There would be a dance with every officer and above’s participation to the royal anthem, an intermediary period, the dinner, another intermediary period, and a final dance to the national anthem. 

Maybe _this_ is why Erwin promoted you when he did, so you could participate in this dance and get close to Zackly? 

You don’t have time to explore it further before everyone is told to get in position. Knowing what it is you need to do, Levi positions the two of you so that when you transition partners you’ll be dancing with Erwin and then Zackly. If he notices your shudder, he doesn’t remark on it.

The music starts and it’s almost step-by-step the same dance that Jean had taught you all a couple of weeks ago. But you don’t mind Levi’s grip on you or the way he draws you close. 

“You look beautiful.” His breath tickles your neck and sends shivers down your spine.

“I never took you for a romantic,” you mumble as he twirls you out and brings you back in.

“Tch.”

“Who knew that Humanity’s Strongest Soldier was so light on his feet?” you tease lightly.

“It’s not too different from fighting if you think about it. It’s just moving to a rhythm and using certain muscle groups.”

“Is that all? Then why would I much rather be fighting right now?”

“Because you’re better at fighting than dancing,” he says with a wry smile.

“Thanks, jackass. Thanks.”

You two separate and Erwin immediately takes Levi’s spot. You see what looks like Levi biting his tongue at Erwin’s hands on you. Ah. Well. Not like you wanna be here either.

“How are you finding the event?” Erwin asks with an amused expression.

You offer a wide smile and say, “I absolutely hate it here.”

“You hide it well. One might even think you’re enjoying yourself.” You don’t respond, instead focusing on the foreign feel of someone else’s hands on you. “If there had been any doubt about the involvement between you two before, tonight has squashed it.”

At that, you turn to face him. “Sir?”

“He can’t take his eyes off of you. It’s rather refreshing.”

Heat warms your cheeks as you make eye contact with Levi. 

“It’s good, to see him happy. As happy as he can be, at any rate.” He chuckles at your frown and your eyes flash to Erwin.

You wonder…

“Sir? Are you happy? Is there anyone who makes you feel that way?”

His eyes flicker to a woman standing to the side of the room. She’s a civilian, beautifully so, and, if you had to guess, about six months pregnant. He doesn’t say anything, but you feel it—it was a choice that was made many years ago.

“Ah. I see. I’m sorry.”

His smile is devastatingly morose and your breath catches for a moment. “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, isn’t that right?”

Faces flash before your eyes—Annie, Bertolt. “Yes, sir. Indeed.”

It’s time to change partners again, and before he lets go, his hands tighten around yours before he whispers, “I have faith in you.”

You nod, not making eye contact with him. Fixing a gracious smile on your face, you greet Premier Zackly.

“Good evening, Premier Zackly,” you hum.

This is… You feel dirty for doing this, but right now it’s your mission.

“Good evening. XO Verite, isn’t that right?” 

His grip is tight, and his eyes are… curious. Guarded.

“Indeed. It is a recent title change due to, I believe, my medical experience.”

“Interesting. It’s not every day that someone as young as you is able to move up because of medical training and dedication to the safety of their team. Especially from the Survey Corps.”

“My mother was a doctor, so you could say that I’ve had a lifetime of medical training,” you hope your smile looks more genuine than it is, but you think you have your plan. “We grew up in Shiganshina and she’d help care for orphans and villagers in the south of Wall Maria. I think, when all of this is said and done, I’d like to do the same. What do you see for yourself in the future?” As soon as the words leave your mouth, you dive in.

_An office in a military building—Trost, maybe? There are the Commanders seated at the table, along with MP and Garrison Captains, and they’re all talking._

_The mood is… contemplative? Light? No malice in the air._

_They’re in the High Court, where a blonde individual is speaking. The military leaders are listening to what they has to say, but there’s fear, anger. It’s overwhelming and you feel like you’re drowning in it._

_Finally, there’s a delegation set to meet with an incoming party. But the people that are being met with… you’ve never seen anyone like them before. It’s… hard to focus on them._

You pull out of it and quickly rearrange your face to show no indication that you saw. He looks a little dazed, but pleasantly so. You give him an intriguing smile, try to be as inviting as possible.

“Sir? Are you okay?”

“Huh? Ah, yes. I’m fine, I’m fine. What were you saying?”

“Oh, I was just wondering what you could see for yourself in the future? If this conflict with the titans ever ends, I mean?

“I—”

He’s stumbling, trying to piece together what happened, but you don’t feel any danger from it.

“I’m sorry. That must have been a terribly personal question to have asked. Please, forgive me,” you bow your head and give him an understanding smile.

“It’s quite all right, dear,” he remarks and his grip around you tightens imperceptibly. You pretend not to notice, and you stop yourself from breathing with relief when the song ends.

“Thank you for the dance, sir. It was a pleasure.”

“The pleasure was all mine,” he says before bringing your hand to his lips. Your smile falters, just barely, and you can see Levi approaching you. Zackly lets go and you wait for him to leave before returning to Levi. 

His eyes are hard as he watches the older man walk away before approaching you.

“Levi? I think I could use some air. Would you be so kind as to accompany me?”

He doesn’t like it, the forced formality, but he gestures for you to lead the way nonetheless. You two are able to step into the attached gardens. You breathe freely and shudder. 

You feel… dirty. Impure. You don’t like doing shit like that. But you trust Erwin, and you trust in his ability to see that which even you cannot. But… where was Erwin in those visions? Each had all military leaders, and yet Erwin was nowhere to be seen? And then that man, from the second one… you’re haunted by his face, despite having never seen it with your own eyes. Why? What does this mean? 

In all honesty, you just want a drink. You want to drink and feel light and like you don’t belong to this body, this curse. You want to self-destruct for once instead of being the one to take care of others, and when you look at Levi, you can see that he sees that, too.

He grabs your hand and pulls you to a corner of the garden where there’s a wonderfully hidden alcove. As soon as you’re out of sight, you press yourself to him and capture his lips with your own. His hands wrap around your waist and pull you closer. You nip his bottom lip and he growls in response. Oh, how you could drown in this man.

He pulls you away and assesses you.

You feel as though you’re going to cry if you have to talk about what you had seen, so you show him. He nods, gets it. He helps straighten out your hair and you fix his shirt. 

“Levi, honey, can you please escort me to the booze?”

He hesitates before turning back to you. “Only if you never call me that again.”

“Deal.” Your answering smile is the first genuine smile you have to offer all night.

* * *

#### Two Days After the Ball

Erwin sits across from you and Levi at the table in the house. Hange currently has authority over Levi Squad while they conduct hardening experiments. You’ve just finished telling him about what you saw two nights prior with Levi confirming.

He has nothing to offer on why he isn’t present in the visions that you saw, though you and Levi both have your suspicions.

“Erwin,” you start. “Something’s been bothering me since two nights ago.”

“Oh? Please. Enlighten me.”

“Did you time my promotion so that I would be in that position that night?” He laughs, confirming your suspicion. “You realize that you could have just asked me to have done it? You didn’t need to promote me for something as silly as that.”

“Would you have?”

“Sir. Maybe it’s my fault for having not expressed this to you more clearly, but there are only three people I trust completely. Levi. Armin. And you. If you would have asked, I would have done it.”

He looks humbled, almost censured. “I appreciate your trust. Next time I will be more forthcoming. However, your promotion was deserved. Just ask Hange when they return.”

You sigh and shake your head. “There is something else I would like to address.”

“My absence.”

You laugh to yourself. You don’t spend a lot of time with Erwin anymore, so it’s easy for you to forget how fucking astute the man is.

“Yes.”

He pauses and looks between you and Levi. Your eyes are unusually soft while regarding Erwin, full of worry. Levi is the exact opposite. Cold. Calculating. Bothered. But you and Erwin both know that’s his way of expressing concern.

“I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t concern me, but it is not something I am interested in pursuing just yet. We need to start planning the return to Shiganshina. You mentioned remembering a vision with Bertolt and Armin in Shiganshina? Are you certain?”

You laugh bitterly. “I recognize the roof they were standing on. It belonged to the elderly couple that ran a bakery. I would regularly go and beg them for fresh rolls and they often would indulge me.”

Levi snorts. “Brat.”

“Shut up,” you shoot back. “But yes, given that vision and Hange’s theory of time-space, I think it’s safe for us to begin looking into preparing for a battle against Bertolt and Reiner. And before Levi says no—”

“NO.” It’s firm. Loud.

“Okay. After Levi says ‘no,’” you continue to Erwin’s amusement and Levi’s frustration, “I believe that I may be the best bet we have to attempt to talk them down. At one point, Reiner was like a brother to me. Bertolt… something more.” You don’t look at Levi. It’s coming, the day that you’re going to have to confront him, confront that piece of yourself that you entrusted to him. You don’t like it but you have to prepare for it at some point or it’s going to cripple you.

“Levi?” Erwin asks, shifting attention. Despite his personal objections, you both know that Levi has sound insight that you would be a fool to ignore.

He exhales through his nose before he speaks. His piercing eyes never leave your face. “I think that needlessly putting her in harm’s way would be more detrimental than it’s worth. I think that she is still of great value to them and it would pose a great security threat if we were to allow the possibility of her being taken. Utilizing her skills as both a soldier and a medical officer would make the most strategic sense.”

He doesn’t want to say it, the truth. He knows that if they were able to successfully make off with you, you wouldn’t let them. You told him so much nearly two months ago. 

_“Given your power, you would be at risk of being kidnapped. You would be of great use to them.”_

_“Oh, yeah. Except that I would sooner die than work for them in their plan to destroy humanity.”_

“I see. I’ll take it under advisement. At any rate, the orphanage will be done in about a week, and at that point, I would like for Levi and Hange Squads to return to Trost. Eren is making considerable progress with his hardening and Hange would like to use his skill to fashion a weapon at the gate.”

He looks at you both before excusing himself.

It’s quiet, once he leaves. Levi still hasn’t stopped staring at you and you still aren’t looking at him. You hear his chair scoot across the floor and feel as he approaches you. His hand finds your shoulder and squeezes before he walks to face you. 

He’s being remarkably gentle. Soft. Your eyes flicker to his and they reflect that same tenderness. You stand and he wraps his arms around you. 

“Levi—”

“No. Listen. I’m no good with words, not like you are. But I need you to know—shit,” he breathes.

Is he… nervous?

“I just found you. I just got you. I’m not ready to let go of you yet, okay, brat?”

Is he—? He’s saying it, isn’t he? Not yet, but in his own way.

Your arms wrap around him and hold him tight against you. “Okay, Levi. I’m not going anywhere.” 

You two stay in that embrace for a while. You never thought you’d find this angry little man so contented, so gentle. You never thought that you would have fallen so fucking hard for him. Fuck.

“‘Sides. We go to the beach together in the future, right? If I can’t change things, then we have a date, right?”

He kisses your shoulder in lieu of a verbal answer. Fuck. You’ll take that.

* * *

#### Two Weeks Before the Return to Shiganshina - Old Scout Headquarters

After the date for the return mission had been set, time flew by with unprecedented speed. The orphanage had been finished, and after a couple days of helping with the kids or helping move around supplies, you relocated to the Old Scout Headquarters. Before leaving the area, you and Levi paid a visit to your grandfather in Stohess.

He was absolutely stunned to meet Humanity’s Strongest, but it was… nice? You had mentioned wanting to meet with your grandfather once more before the mission, and Levi had wanted to go. Not because you would have otherwise been traveling by yourself, but because he was curious, about your grandfather. About family, your family. Levi had been begrudgingly nice, but you could tell he enjoyed it. Especially when your grandfather had made you two tea. He had shared more stories of your mom’s youth and helped read some of her sheet music. He played it on his piano and encouraged you to sing along. It felt like you were inhabiting someone else’s life for a minute like you weren’t soldiers fighting in a doomed war. You were a couple. Visiting family. Enjoying being normal. Leaving that night broke something inside you, but you refused to give it name, refused to let it nestle itself in your heart.

Once in Trost, Hange had started mapping out their blueprints for the “Executioner From Hell” as they so dubbed it, which would consist of Eren helping build a modified guillotine for titans. The goal would be to have him harden his body in certain ways to fit the blueprints. Once that was done, the remainder of the weapon would be constructed and held into place by more hardening. It took a lot from Eren to do it, so much so that the total construction of it was probably taking about five days, to Hange’s disappointment. Eren could only transform and harden so many times in a single day, and doing so repeatedly meant he was knocked out cold by the third transformation. 

The idea behind the “Executioner From Hell” was that most, if not all, of the titans would have made it into Wall Maria at this point, and creating a choke-point for them to try to enter would guarantee a smaller point of entry for soldiers to successfully kill any that the executioner missed. It had been finished earlier, to Eren’s relief. Levi worried about Eren’s health, and you couldn’t blame him. Since the events in the Reiss Chapel, Eren refused to let you touch him. It worried you, nagged in the back of your mind, but you couldn’t quite figure out why. Not just yet.

As the time for the mission drew nearer, there was more pressure put on you to See. You only granted the requests of Hange and Levi so they could strategize. You had seen Levi confronting Erwin in an office. Angry. Hopelessness. Both of them confronting Shadis. Frustration. Hange seeing a sleeping titan in a forest. Excitement. Levi, stopping a fight between Jean and Eren during a feast. Annoyance. Disgust. Hange and Levi standing by Erwin’s side on Wall Rose, the citizens below bidding farewell. Confusion. Contentedness? Hange calling for thunder spears against Reiner’s titan. Anger. Determination. Levi descending down the Wall before glancing back up to see you and Erwin. Anguish. Conviction. Hange watching as a barrel descends from the sky. Confusion. Panic. Levi noticing gravel and stone being thrown at him and dropping down just in time. Fear. Hange holding up a metal container to a steaming and bound Reiner. Cold indifference. Hatred.

It was all so much. You had passed out after a severe bloody nose and Levi fussed over you for two days. Not to mention the overwhelming emotions pouring from either of them. You couldn’t sleep, not having felt the severity of those emotions coming from either of them. You yourself felt paralyzed by feeling the devastation, the despair, the loss from Hange, much less Levi. He would stay up with you and bring you tea while you struggled to sleep. Insomnia wasn’t something new to either of you, but you had been enjoying actually sleeping since having started to share a bed with him. 

❦

As it were, you have an appointment with Erwin and Erwin alone to See for him. He had been putting it off, but you needed your Commander to have the same level of foresight you had afforded two of his highest-ranking officials. Before this meeting, you had been experiencing a particular sinking feeling. Neither you nor Levi talked about it, but you both had the same suspicion—Erwin doesn’t make it out of this coming mission alive. 

“Come in, XO Verite.”

You open the familiar double doors and step inside. His office still has the warmth, even if the mess is gone. You smile at the memory, at the apprehension you had felt when first stepping in, the desperate need to tidy. 

“You could have at least let me knock,” you comment as you take your seat on his couch. You cross your legs and wait.

He regards you before getting up from his seat behind the desk and joining you.

“I would have met you at the desk if it weren’t for the fact that the last couple times I’ve used my ability I passed out,” you inform him. Surely he knows?

“I’m sorry to hear that. We don’t mean to exhaust you.”

“Yeah, well fuck that. At least I feel _useful_ here, unlike with the Female Titan. I would rather take myself out of the battle completely if the rest of you had a better chance at coming home.” Despite the light tone you’re using, he sees the hard truth behind your eyes.

“Hm,” he chuckles to himself. “‘Working to a fault to ensure success all around.’ Shadis wasn’t wrong about you, was he?”

“Ah, don’t remind me of that. I was so hopelessly naïve back then. Desperate to get here, blind to the truth,” you muse.

“It got you here, though. Do you regret it?”

You think back to all the little moments, everything that brought you here. All the heartbreak, betrayal, love, hope… You consider the man before you. He’s a different, more obvious kind of beautiful. His brow is set with determination, but there’s such deep sorrow and conviction and guilt, oh god, the _guilt_.

“I don’t,” you struggle to speak, throat suddenly tight. “Not for a second. I don’t regret the people I’ve gotten to know, the people I’ve come to love, or the people I now hate. I don’t regret getting closer to the truth.”

He seems to contemplate your words almost as one would contemplate a good vintage. “Do you remember when you stood in this office and you told me that you were willing to pay the cost of finding the truth?”

You give him a rueful smile. “Every fucking day, sir. If only I knew the cost. If only I could have adjusted the cost so that it was one that I and I alone would have been paying. Do you regret any of this? Becoming a Scout, a Commander? Do you regret taking us on and getting to this point?”

Instead of answering you, he offers you something else. “Have I ever told you about Marie?”

The spark in his eyes tells you everything you need to know. “The woman in attendance of the Coronation Ball?”

“Yes. Would you like to hear it?”

“Absolutely, sir. It would be silly of me not to enjoy such esteemed company,” you said playfully. You knew you hit the mark when his lips twitched upward, remembering the time you first said that to him. 

His smile is borderline mournful as he tells you of her. The woman he once loved. A barmaid near the training grounds. How he and Nyle Dok both fell in love with her. How he was more successful in wooing her until he remembered why he had joined the Cadet Corps. How he chose the Survey Corps and Nyle chose the Military Police and how she chose Nyle. How seeing her was like taking a knife to the heart but how he was still happy she chose Nyle, happy she chose stability. How he never stopped loving her. How he still didn’t regret making the decision that he made.

The conversation shifts to you—to having loved Annie. Having loved Bertolt. Having offered him everything. Having made your decision. Having broken your own heart. How you were tempted to find him, go to him, leave. How you saw the danger of that and so you sealed that up and gave it to him. How you’re afraid to confront that part of you, to confront him. How you don’t regret loving them. How you love humanity more. How you love Levi more. 

You two share stories of your families, your journeys to find the truth. The question that started it all, at least for him. The guilt he carried for his father’s disappearance. The role your father had in that and his consequential exile. How you sparked hope in him and he in you. How you’ve both been on this path of death and destruction in your search together. How you both carry the deceased with you wherever you go. 

“Do you think it’s time, sir?”

“Time?”

“Yes. Time for me to do what I came here to do?”

“You mean you weren’t here to keep a lonely old man company?” he teased.

“Oh, come now, sir. Just because you’re old and missing an arm doesn’t mean you’re convalescent. If you want me to visit more, I’d be happy to. But I came here to help strategize, didn’t I?” you ask with a knowing smile.

He sighs and finally gives in. “Let’s get this over with.”

The weight of his voice gives you pause, makes you wonder if he shares your hypothesis.

_You all arrive in Shiganshina. You are standing at the side of Erwin, watching over the city as a feeling of unease feels syrupy thick on your tongue. Down the line, Armin’s eyes go wide and he signals for you to come. He explains something, that it looks like people were just up there? You feel clarity and trust. Erwin nods and—_

_Reiner’s titan is climbing, climbing, climbing. You and Erwin are at the top of Wall Maria. There’s a feeling of morose curiosity, of resignation, almost, but not quite. You see as Levi looks up at the two of you from down by the horses. The Wall shakes and suddenly Reiner is assessing the two of you. You start yelling at him and Erwin feels… amused??_

_Suddenly there are titans transforming in front of Wall Maria, between the horses and escape. A brief moment of defeat and then grim determination. The smaller titans in the horde start running forward. Fuck._

_And then Erwin’s at the bottom of the Wall, near where the horses and the majority of the forces are. He’s feeling devastation, hopelessness, fear, oh god, the fear is paralyzing. Erwin sits down on crates and he speaks to Levi. He feels a heavy weight on his chest, the guilt eating at him, and a sliver of hope that’s almost washed away in a sea of loss. It’s too much, it’s—_

You don’t say anything. You can’t. You feel it, the decision that Erwin had come to in that last vision. Tears cloud your vision and you can’t stop yourself from wrapping your arms around your Commander and sobbing.

Fuck. _Fuck._

You feel a tentative arm wrap around your shoulders and pat you as you cry. 

❦

You are unable to gather yourself for close to a half-hour, but Erwin doesn’t rush you. You—you don’t even know what he must be feeling or whether he’s just humoring a distressed and clingy soldier of his. You don’t even really care because all you know is that your Commander resigns himself to die and you don’t know if you can stop it.

You finally let go and upon seeing the state of his shirt, you immediately get up to grab him a new one. 

“I’m sorry, sir. I shouldn’t have—”

“Thank you.”

His voice is thick. Encumbered. Wrought with emotions that neither of you really want to put names to. You turn to regard him and his eyes are somber, but with a certain level of acceptance you can’t help but respect.

“Always, sir.”

You come back with his shirt and you’re helping to dress him when he speaks again, voice hoarse.

“I would like to request that you keep this between the two of us.”

You don’t even bother looking at him before responding.

“Sir—no. I’m sorry. Erwin. I’ll keep this between the two of us, I won’t tell Hange, Dirk, Marlene, Klaus, or Harold. But I can’t keep this from Levi. And I don’t just mean because he can read me like a fucking book, but because I can’t bear this alone, because if I try I will break and goddammit I am not going to break,” you say while gritting your teeth because you won’t fucking break down again, despite the angry tears falling down your cheeks.

His hand comes up to wipe your face and you swat him away because he’s distracting you from what you’re doing.

“That sounds fair.” His voice is nearly a whisper. He clears his throat before trying to speak again. “I can see why Levi cares deeply for you.” You don’t acknowledge it, but you wonder what it’s like to see it from the outside, what it’s like to see it from someone who knew him longer.

You finish and tidy yourself. Clearing your own throat, you gesture back to the desk. “I think it would be a good idea if we strategized now because if I run into Levi in my current state, he’s likely to break a bone.”

He laughs and the tension lifts somewhat. It’s still there, constant, persistent, enduring. But it’s less.

So you plan. You plan to bring Armin in on the consequential strategic meetings because you both believe him to have the promise necessary to move the Corps forward—this supplied by the first vision you had with Erwin. You suggest potentially moving the horses to another location, but any further and you all face the same problem as if the Beast Titan caught you unawares. Moving them inside of Shiganshina would make it easier for Reiner to crush them, which would undoubtedly be their next move. It had worked well at Utgard Castle. You two agree that remaining by Erwin’s side until Reiner’s appearance would be best. That way you would have the best line of sight should the need arise to move in either direction. He ultimately agrees that it’s best if you try to at least appeal to Bertolt, try to prevent him from taking titan form. Potentially recruit him.

Further planning requires your presence at strategic meetings, which means that for the next two weeks you’ll be glued to Erwin’s side, same as Armin. 

You’re afraid to admit it, but you’re glad for those two weeks. You’re glad that you’re able to cherish trusting someone so thoroughly before they’re gone. ~~You’re glad you’ll have these memories of him.~~

❦

By the time you enter into Levi’s office, he’s knee-deep in paperwork to certify strategies, budgets, orders, to sign off on some of Hange’s projects, weapon development. He’s so busy he doesn’t look up. You aren’t ready to face him just yet, but that doesn’t stop you from walking to him and giving him a gentle kiss on his head before retiring to his bed. 

It’s not too much longer that he comes and joins you, having given up on paperwork for the night. He rolls you over and sees the state you’re in. It’s enough for him to sit you up and hold you.

“I—,” you try to speak but your voice is raspy. You clear your throat and try again. “I saw it.” He doesn’t respond, but you can tell that he understands by the way he tenses up, by the way his hand pauses on your back. “Armin will be attending strategy meetings. I think Erwin is considering him for a leadership role in the future. I’ll be by Erwin’s side for most of it, I think. At least, until Reiner shows up. I’ll be at the top of Wall Maria with Erwin when Reiner climbs it. I, uh, I think the Beast Titan has the ability to turn humans into titans? It has to be the same man from that vision with Connie’s mom. And, uh, fuck—”

You press your hand to your head, hoping that you’ll somehow be able to stop the tears from coming with a magic touch. Levi pulls you back to take in your face. 

“Erwin doesn’t make it, does he?”

You bow your head into his chest and you feel as all the warmth leaves him. He feels as though he’s now a thousand leagues away, untouchable. You start to crumble—you feel small, helpless, alone. And you feel ashamed for feeling that way. For needing him, for feeling like a burden. But you aren’t sure what will happen if you don’t lean into him for support right now.

“P-please don’t leave me alone—I just—I just don’t want to be alone,” you hiccup, voice barely there as you start crying again.

His hold tightens and he’s back, but he’s still cold. Maybe tomorrow you can come up with a plan with Levi to stop it, to make sure it doesn’t happen, but for now, you just need to crumble a little.

* * *

#### Four Days Before the Return to Shiganshina - Trost District

With the urgency of time for the mission, it is decided that the Survey Corps will be lifted up and over Wall Rose through Trost the evening before the mission. You will be traveling during the night, minimizing titan interference and the possibility to be intercepted by Reiner or Bertolt. To increase the potency, the night you will be traveling will be a New Moon, just in case there are any moonlight-friendly titans from the conflict at Utgard Castle.

You and Levi haven’t spoken much since your first meeting with Erwin, though you two still share a bed together and still love each other. Or. At least, you love him. He… somethings you. It just feels like a door has been shut and you aren’t sure how to open it again. You aren’t really trying, but you know you should. 

So instead of worrying about your relationship, you’ve spent all your time with Connie or Jean when you’re not with Armin and Erwin during strategy meetings. Connie and you have started visiting his mom every couple of days. It’s good, you think, to help keep them connected. To remember that there’s this kind of love and dedication out there. And you’ve been enjoying Jean’s company because he seems only slightly less frustrated at Eren than you. Well. There’s more than that. He’s been generally supportive and open with you. You’ve both been using each other as sounding boards for what-if scenarios and battle plans. 

And Eren? He keeps moping around, complaining about not understanding his own history, his father’s history, not being able to remember, but habitually refuses to let you help. It… irks you, in ways you can’t quite describe. Sometimes you catch yourself comparing him to Bertolt, to that little warning that you had continually put down, but it doesn’t sit quite right, the comparison. 

Regardless, he finally remembered something on his own and the entire team (plus Hange) has gone to investigate his lead with Commandant Shadis. You’re curious, but not enough to want to deal with Eren or Levi just yet.

The whole Levi thing is really grinding your gears because you feel like you should make more of an effort, that you should reach out because he’s obviously going through something, too, but at the same time you feel completely rebuffed by him. Like he was the one to shut the door. And you fucking hate it. But preparing for this mission and worrying over trying to save Erwin is taking everything out of you.

You just need a good night’s sleep. That’s all. 

At this point, you’re intimately familiar with Erwin’s schedule, enough to know that he doesn’t have any meetings for the next hour and that he’s probably just doing paperwork. Perhaps you can nap there? You do seem to sleep better when you’re with someone you trust. Plus Erwin has been incredibly open with you and welcoming of you since the revelation. He even let you sketch him while he was completing paperwork the other day.

You head up the stairs, and before you can even knock, he calls you in.

“Hi, I don’t mean to intrude. I’m just… I’m having trouble sleeping and I was wondering if you would mind if I tried napping on your couch?”

He looks at you with real concern, hearing what you aren’t saying: you’re tired and emotionally spent and you don’t feel like you have a support system.

“Of course. Whatever you need.”

You lay on your side, facing the back of the couch.

“I thought you would have gone with Levi Squad to speak with the Commandant?”

“No. They can figure it out without me,” you offer a defeated response without moving to better speak with him.

A beat, then—

“Is there something wrong between you and Levi?”

You sit up and turn to look at him. You might puke if he doesn’t wipe that pitying look off his face. “Don’t worry about my relationship with the Captain. We’ll figure it out. It’s okay,” you say before laying back down, though you aren’t sure if you’re reassuring him or yourself.

Soon you hear the scribbling of his pen and you’re able to go to sleep. 

❦

_You’re tied to the chair again. Your feet are bound to the legs of the chair while your arms are firmly restrained behind the back. There’s no escaping this, no wiggling out of it. Not without breaking something._

_“Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should stop fighting,” the voice says. It’s behind you. You aren’t consciously aware of the voice, but it’s familiar to you somehow._

_“Pretty little thing like you. You should just give in. Give me what I want, and all this will go away.”_

_The owner of the voice has placed their hands on your shoulders. Your skin is crawling and your mind is screaming that you’re in danger, that you have to fight, get out of it somehow._

_“Show me how to make it happen, and I’ll let you free.”_

_No. You can’t. Not what he’s asking for. Not this murderer, this monster who is threatening to take everything from you._

_“Hm. Such a shame. Bertolt told me so much about you, but not how to break you. Maybe if I tell you that he’s already gone, you’ll give in?”_

_He walks in front of you. He has shaggy blonde hair that contrasts with the tidiness of his facial hair. He wears glasses, though you suspect he doesn’t need them. His eyes are full of indifference, inhumanity._

_“No?” He backhands you with all the force he could muster. “What if I told you that the Ackerman was dead?” Your head whips to the side and you’re certain he’s broken bone. You hear the gentle scraping of metal, as though he’s picking something up. It takes a moment for you to realize what he’s said._

_No. No, it can’t be. He’s fine—he’s the strongest, the one most likely to survive! He’s—_

_“Oh. Maybe that’s the button I should press. Yes. He tried to kill me, nicked me pretty good. But in the end, my titans ate him. Gobbled him up until there was nothing left.”_

_You scream before the blade starts carving._

“HEY! Hey, hey, hey, look at me. Look at me! I’m right here, I’m not dead! Goddammit!”

You’re vaguely aware that someone is trying to shake you, remove you from this stupor. Your eyes try to focus on panicked steel blue. There’s… maybe there’s someone behind that? You can’t really tell.

Why are they so loud? Why do they sound like that?

The fuck happened?

“Does she do this often?”

“Not since before the Coup. This one—this one’s bad.”

Why are they talking like that? Like you’re not here?

“How long ago did she start doing this?”

There’s alarm, maybe? Terror? Behind that beautiful voice. Why is the voice so, so, so … emotional?

“She started muttering in her sleep about ten minutes ago. You heard when she started screaming—”

“Why was she here in the first place?”

“She—Do you want what she told me or what I’ve observed?”

The voices are fading away and you let go of them.

No, no more pain. Just

  
_s l u m b e r_

❦

You… This isn’t where you fell asleep. You’re suddenly alert, mind well into fight-or-flight when an arm pulls you to them. You fight it, you’re afraid—this isn’t where you fell asleep!

“Hey.”

You know that voice. Your eyes adjust and you push the panic to the side. You’re… in Levi’s quarters? But you fell asleep on the Commander’s couch?

“How did I—?”

“How’d you get here?” Levi’s laying down, and you realize that he’s trying to hold you. You allow for him to pull you back to him. “You fell asleep on Erwin’s couch six hours ago, more or less. You were screaming from a nightmare and started projecting. I carried you in here a couple of hours ago.”

He looks tired. Just. Thoroughly. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Tired. You can’t imagine that you look any better. 

“Why did you go to his office to sleep?” This question… It’s burning. 

“I-I just wanted to feel safe. Supported,” you mumble, feeling childish, ashamed almost.

“You—” he stops whatever train of thought he was about to voice. But you can hear it. The small inkling of hurt, the shallow ache. He holds you closer to him and you turn your head so that your face is in his chest.

You smell the familiar tea tree and mint and you feel… home. Just for a moment. You feel a little better.

“I-I’m sorry that I haven’t been here for you. I’m sorry that you felt the need to go to Eyebrows because you didn’t feel supported by me.”

That gap, the space that had grown between you two starts to get smaller. You can almost feel the warmth returning, but with it the fear. Instead of speaking, you decide to hold him to you, remind him that you’re here, that you’re with him.

“I was told I’ve been doing a shit job at showing you how I feel because I’m shit with words.”

You let him speak, let him take his time. Because you need to hear it, even if you said you didn’t. If this is going to work, you need some kind of reassurance. If you’re going to make it through this fucking return mission, you need _something_.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, too. I need you here, with me,” he mutters in your hair. He takes a deep breath before continuing. “It’s not fair of me to call you mine when I haven’t been doing anything to keep you. All of this with Erwin and the mission has made me realize that I can’t take you for granted. Any of the people I trust.”

It’s true—you two are matched in the number of people you trust completely, wholly. 

“Dammit. I love you, little demon. I need you by my side,” he grumbles and you still.

You pull back so that you can look him in the eyes and oh, _fuck_ , is he so vulnerable and so exposed to you. He looks like he’s both afraid to look at you, gauge your reaction, and that he’s afraid to look away from you, as though you’ll float away if he does. 

“I love you, too,” you whisper before he brings your face to his and smothers you with kisses. 

“I’m sorry, Levi. For not being there for you, too,” you confess. You two had shifted so Levi is on his back and he is cradling you against his side. Your left hand is intertwined with his right while your other hand traces patterns on his chest. He doesn’t say anything, but you feel his eyes on you. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you, either. We both kinda mishandled this. I could have—”

“No. Don’t do that. You’re allowed to need things. You’re allowed to need me.”

You reposition yourself so you’re straddling him, head pressed against his chest so you could listen to his heartbeat. It’s relieving to hear the steady sound of his life, of this moment.

“Thank you,” you murmur. The only indication he gives that he heard you at all is a reassuring pat on the head. His hand stays, running his fingers through your hair. You hum in response and you feel like for the first time in weeks you’ll be able to sleep soundly. 

Just before you drift off into the gentle waves of repose, you speak.

“Levi?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

* * *

#### The Night Before the Return to Shiganshina - Trost District

There was a meeting with Scout leadership to touch base, determine the goal of the mission, which was primarily to reach Eren’s basement. At least, that was Erwin’s primary target. To do that, you needed to secure Shiganshina which had the greater benefit for humanity. You are waiting for Levi when the meeting ends, with Hange and the other squad leaders exiting. When you don’t see Levi, you know what he was doing.

“He shut the door on me!” Hange wails.

“Ah, shit,” is all you reply with. They continue down the corridor and you come to the conference room door. Trying to open it is fruitless—Levi had probably blocked it. Asshole. “Levi, let me in.” 

After a minute, he lets you in. Erwin has this expression of resignation, whereas Levi looks pissed. Erwin continues with the discussion, electing to ignore your presence in the meantime.

“Do what you need to. Use me as bait. The chain of command still remains.”

You knew it was coming, but hearing it now doesn’t lessen the pain. Erwin continues to explain the reasons for his presence on this mission, while Levi reminds him of why he’s unfit to attend. It finally comes to the point—Erwin is essential for the continued success for the Scouts. You all need him, his leadership. Beyond the fact that he is a dear friend to the two of you, you need his methods, his mind, to keep going. 

Levi stops him, tone turning dangerous. “STOP. Stop right there—any more of those noble-ass excuses, and I’ll break both your damn legs.”

Waiting for him to finish his threat, you understand what Erwin is saying. He needs to be there to ensure the overall victory because this mission will be absolutely horrifying, devastating. If he’s not, the new recruits will run.

“Levi—” you start. His eyes whip to you and you see as hurt and frustration flash in his expression. “Erwin’s right. If he doesn’t go, the recruits won’t follow. We’re asking them to lay down their lives and make enormous sacrifices,” you mutter, words tasting bitter on your tongue. “We can’t just do this mission with only Hange and Levi Squad. We need everyone. Which means Erwin has to go.” 

There is, of course, the unspoken truth that hangs heavy in the room—Erwin needs to see the truth. He needs to know. You’re so close to finding it. Those snippets you’ve shown him have only driven him further, needing certainty instead of guesses, hypotheses. That truth is something that Erwin and you are acutely aware of. You’ve spoken about it many times. Shit. Your entire professional and personal relationship with this man is based on the truth, on seeking _that_ truth. But Levi’s understanding the full weight of what that means and you can’t help but feel guilty at the impact you’ve had on Erwin to lead you all here.

“Fine, Erwin. In that case, I’ll trust your judgment,” Levi replies coldly. His eyes flicker to you. “And you. Meet me in front of the mess hall when you’re done here.” He leaves, shutting the door a little too harshly.

You make your way to Erwin, still sitting at the head of the table.

“You could stay. Prove Hange wrong,” you tell him. You know better. He knows better. But perhaps if you say it, he will. Perhaps he can wholly disprove Hange’s theory by staying here. Prove that you _can_ change the future. Prove that you aren’t set on this singular path, that you aren’t just a passive observer to the tragedy that is this world.

He stands before remarking, “You know better than that.”

Without thinking on it, you step forward and hug him. “Do you think things would have turned out this way even if I never actually met you or joined the Scouts?”

His arm pats your back. “Yes. I was set on this trajectory the day my father didn’t come home.” 

You nod before letting go. “It’s probably best I return to Levi.”

“He’d appreciate it. Make sure to enjoy the dinner tonight. Dirk and Harold arranged for there to be meat.”

“Oh, don’t tell me they blew the entire month’s food budget on tonight,” you said, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“Okay then, I won’t,” Erwin smiles. 

A breath of disbelief escapes you. You return his smile.

~~_Fuck, you’re going to miss this man._~~

❦

Harold is standing on a bench to address the entirety of the Scout Regiment. The food made available is of a higher quality than any you had seen outside of your time in Wall Sina or the capital.

“This may be a special night, but we don’t need the public knowing our plans. So behave like the disciplined soldiers you are. All right. Here’s to the re-taking of Wall Maria,” he announces, holding up his stein in a toast.

As soon as he’s done speaking, mayhem breaks out around you. Thankfully, you’re at the leadership table, watching in absolute amusement as Connie has to put Sasha in a chokehold and Jean tries to grab the roast from her. You wince when he pulls his hand away and it’s bloody.

“Here,” Levi says, handing you a full plate. “Take it before the beast comes over here.” 

“Thank you,” you remark absentmindedly. Around you the scouts and garrison recruits are panicking, frantically eating the meat. Those who came from the MPs are maintaining their dignity—though you suspect that it’s because _they_ hadn’t needed to give up meat to the same extent that the rest of you have. 

Ignoring Levi’s “tch,” you jump up after Sasha breaks Marlowe’s nose. Shit. You’re not the executive medical officer for naught. 

“Can’t you guys control her?!” you scream at Connie and Jean as you approach.

“YOU TRY! SHE’S A MONSTER RIGHT NOW!!”

“Dammit. Jean, go grab some rope. Connie, does it at least seem that she’s losing steam? How’s her breathing?”

“YOU’RE ASKING ME TO CHECK HER BREATHING?”

“Okay, fine,” you say. You’re going to have to knock her out if he’s unable. “Connie, I need you to let go really quick.” 

He looks at you like you’re crazed until you take up a fighting pose. He lets go and Sasha comes tumbling forward. You dodge her attack and put a lot of force behind your hit as your hand makes contact with the side of her neck. Sure enough, she goes down. 

Connie and Jean drag her to the nearest pillar and tie her up while you check with Marlowe.

“Go ahead and lean forward—you don’t want that blood going down your throat,” you say. Jean returns with a towel. Once the bleeding slows, you start to assess the damage. “I’m sorry if this hurts. It feels like it’s displaced and needs to be realigned. The thing is, if I realign it tonight, well, it’s going to hurt like a son of a bitch because I won’t have my equipment ready, but it would also pull you out of the fight tomorrow. We’ll have to do it when we get back. In the meantime, take these,” you say, pulling out a packet of painkillers from your pocket. At this point, you keep a small handful on your person at all times. “Make sure to sleep either sitting up or at least leaning up, okay?”

“Thanks.” 

You go to return to Levi, only to find that he has both of your guys’ plates in his hands. 

“Levi?”

“C’mon. I don’t want to stay here longer than necessary.”

You really can’t blame him. He gestures to outside, and you open the door for him. Before joining him outside, you go back to fetch your full stein.

The night air is cool, fresh. Autumn is coming soon. Turning to him, you’re surprised to see that he’s set you two up on a crate. He’s usually so picky about where he spends his time, eats his food. But tonight is different. You join him in this nice peace. Just for tonight, you think.

The meat is good. Not really seasoned, but you suppose that getting the meat alone had to be enough. You two eat in silence, enjoying each other’s company. He reaches his hand out, palm open. You place your hand in his and it’s good. Nice. Comforting.

He says your name and you look up.

“What would you want to do? When all this is said and done?”

“Hm?” Thinking back on it, you two never actually talked about it after that night. “Mm… I think I would like to live in a small house. Just for two. I’d like a garden for herbs and vegetables and maybe a fruit tree, if possible. I’d like to help people, I think. Like my mom did. And I’d like to come by your tea shop every day.” 

“That sounds nice.”

“Doesn’t it? Maybe it’s all just a fantasy, but I’d like to get there one day.”

You two just take each other in before he speaks again. “Do you think you could see me in all that?”

“I do. Do you? Would you even want to?”

He doesn’t need to verbalize his answer because you saw it in his eyes. You lean forward and share a kiss with him. He grabs your hand with more force and pulls you up from where you were sitting and into his lap. He wraps his arms around your back and you massage his head.

The two of you stay there, in that moment, in that embrace. The commotion inside has died down and you allow yourself to listen to the sounds of him against you, of the city as it slept, of the breeze as it rustled through nearby trees. 

And then—

“Is that Jean and Eren?”

An exasperated sigh falls from Levi’s lips. He kisses your shoulder before tapping your leg for you to get off. You follow him inside to watch his reaction. It’s been a hot minute since Jean and Eren were going at it. 

Entering the mess hall, you watch as the two had actually devolved into punches. And no one stopped them. Good. They need to kick the shit out of each other. Leaning up against the wall, you watch in enjoyment as Levi approaches the two.

“Hey.” ~~Man, that voice and the things it does to you~~.

Levi grabs Jean’s arm for support as he kicks Eren to the ground. Then using his grip on Jean’s arm, he turns the taller man around and gives him a solid uppercut. They both fall to the ground as Levi announces to the hall, “That’s enough celebrating. Go to bed.” Jean starts throwing up, and Levi orders the men to clean up after him. 

Armin and Mikasa help Eren up before escorting him out of the building. Connie helps Jean get to the restroom on the off-chance he would be sick again. Levi returns to you and grabs your hand before exiting. 

Leading you down the city steps, he stops in an alleyway. He pushes you up against the alley wall and kisses you like there isn’t a tomorrow.

There is, though. It’s going to be a painful day, but this is going to be the last day before tomorrow ruins you both. 

You return his kiss with renewed fervor, desperate to taste him, to feel him, to love him. His hands grab yours and pin them above your head and he swallows your gasp of surprise. He’s on you and you love it—you can’t get enough. 

Until you hear Armin, Mikasa, and Eren talking just on the other side of that wall. You stop the kiss, and turn your head to the side to better hear. Are they coming this way? No. They seem to have settled on the steps outside. You two listen to their contemplations, talking about strength, the reality of tomorrow, Armin’s hopes for seeing outside the Walls for himself. 

You’ll get there one day. Outside.

* * *

#### The Evening of the Mission to Return to Shiganshina - Trost District

Almost all of the Scouts are now standing atop Wall Rose. In the distance, you can hear the Executioner From Hell killing titans attempting to wander into the city. You’re standing with Erwin, still upset because he won’t let you take Guinevere. You suppose she’s his horse, after all. Even if you’re the one who gives her treats and talks to her.

Levi and Hange are on their way up when you hear someone calling out. You look down and see… there’s a crowd. Here to see you all off? You hear some scattered cheers, before words of encouragement.

“YEAH! GO TAKE BACK WALL MARIA FOR US!”

“THE FUTURE OF MANKIND IS UP TO YOU!”

The Scouts are now all gathered, looking down at the people below. This is… new. The excitement, anticipation is palpable. Looking around, you see varying emotions on your comrades’ faces: excitement, anxiety, confusion, fear, hope, gratitude. There’s one that’s present on each and every face you see: determination.

You guys _will_ succeed, come what may.

You can’t help but watch on in amazement, appreciating the moment for what it is. Down the line, you hear Jean, Connie, and Sasha shout back.

“YEAH! YOU CAN COUNT ON US!” 

In your peripheral, you see Erwin’s mouth quirk up. You turn to face him, and you can see it form, the idea. He’s going to enjoy this while he can.

“Well, as far as I’m aware, at least, this is a first.” He raises his left arm and yells to the crowd. They respond, and it’s there.

If he has to go out, if this is his last mission, at least he’ll be doing it for the benefit of humanity. The primary goal for this mission has now shifted. It’s no longer to get to the cellar (though that still needs to happen) but to reclaim the land that was stolen from you all five years prior.


	32. Return to Shiganshina Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You will stay with us,  
>  inside all our memories,  
> inside of our hearts._
> 
> Tyler Knott Gregson

* * *

#### The Return to Shiganshina - Titan Territory Beyond Wall Rose

When you move out, the sun is still in the sky, though there’s only about an hour left before night takes over. You’re a part of the original team of spotters to notify and eradicate any titan threats. There aren’t many from the left, so the majority of the “veterans”—and you can hardly classify any of you as such—are on the right, closest to the titans that were drawn to what lay beyond Wall Rose.

It’s rather easy for you. They don’t notice you, don’t grab for you. You can hear some of the recruits as they gasp and marvel at your luck. They think it’s luck, or skill, but you know that it’s just another mutation. An attempt to guarantee the success and safety of the Verite line. When you get back to your horse, you ride back to the position. Once night falls, you’ll resume your space next to Erwin.

By the time night _does_ fall, you’re immersed in one of the forests between Trost and Shiganshina. It offers great cover, especially since the new lanterns are surprisingly bright and would otherwise attract any unwanted spectators. 

It’s quiet, for the most part. At least. It is with Erwin. You are all alert, and he allows for you to check him in anticipation for any surprise attacks in the forest when you hear the whinnying from horses a while back.

You hear Levi complain to Dirk about the time, about whether you’re close. Dirk pulls out his map, but you know this area. This isn’t too far from where you and your mom were nearly attacked.

“We’ll reach the city by sunup at this rate,” you respond. “It would be quicker on horseback, but to do that risks Bertolt and Reiner hearing us. It’s better we take it slow.” When you don’t hear anything back, you turn your attention to Erwin.

“Are you ready for this, Erwin?”

He glances at you. “We don’t really have a choice, now, do we?”

“Hm. I mean. I could always just whisk you away to that cellar if Eren would give us the key. Assuming there are any titans remaining in Shiganshina, they wouldn’t notice me and I would be able to kill them. Then you could stay there. Prove Hange wrong.”

He lets out a breathy chuckle. “You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?”

“If only. We both know what you need to do.”

“Hey, would you guys stop being so damn cryptic?” you hear Harold call from behind you.

“Mmm, I could, but where’s the fun in that?” You flash a toothy smile as you turn to face him.

“This is the thanks we get? After getting us all that meat?” Dirk pipes up.

“Thanks?! You guys blew the month’s food budget on one night.”

Dirk’s about to comment when you hear it—

“Shut up—just… don’t say anything.” 

They slow, watching as you listen intently, as your face turns from concentration to relief to comfort. _Home_. It’s so close! You hear the gentle gurgle of the stream you used to play in as a child. With your mom, you’d come here to find herbs not in your garden. With your dad, you would practice with his gear not too far from here. _Home!_

“We’re almost there,” you whisper. “We’ll be coming out of the forest in about twenty meters, and then it’s straight to Shiganshina.”

The sky is lightening. You need to make this fast—better to get everyone to Shiganshina before Reiner or Bertolt knows what hit them. Erwin’s thinking the same as he announces for everyone to mount up upon exiting the forest. 

_someone’s watching_

_  
_

Your head swivels as you scan the landscape. You can’t see anything moving, any figure, but you know better. Your instincts are never wrong.

“Sir, they know.”

You aren’t sure, but you think you hear a small “fuck” escape him. “Alright then. FULL SPEED AHEAD!”

You race to Wall Maria. You don’t see any titans coming, but you keep feeling little electric buzzes warning you of danger. 

Why? It… it should be too early for them to try to surround you, right? They can’t possibly know where Eren is in all this, they wouldn’t risk him, would they?

“THIS OPERATION HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN! ALL TROOPS—SWITCH TO ODM GEAR!”

You listen as gear is deployed behind you and as your comrades take off. You hear Levi calling your name and you turn back to look at him. He’s standing on the back of his horse, ready to take off but—

“I order you to stay alive. Come back to me.”

“Same goes for you!”

You see his mouth quirk up before he’s gone. Fucking show-off.

When Erwin starts to prepare to activate his gear, you follow suit. He’s perfectly capable. Hange had modified his gear to be activated by the single handle. But, well, if you’re going to be by his side until Reiner shows, you may as well do it right.

The air rushes past you and it feels exhilarating, freeing. It’s that same cool air that greeted you that morning with your father. As you land atop the wall, your hood flies back. Erwin adjusts it for you before you have the chance. Around you, your remaining comrades are landing, ready to act.

_danger_

You look back in the direction you had just come from, but you still can’t see it. Not really—you’re too far away.

“Sir? Do you have a periscope I could use?”

His eyes flash at your question but he shakes his head. You don’t, because outside of your blades and a knife you’ve been carrying with you since Kenny, you’ve only medical gear on you. 

“They’re getting into position. I’m certain of it.”

“I trust you. The question is: where are they?”

You watch as your team runs down the Wall to the Outer Gate. Armin pauses, staring at the Wall beneath his feet, then—

Your vision. He raises his arm in signal and Erwin summons him. When Armin arrives, you ask if Erwin wants you to See, but he shakes his head. Not yet—your strength is needed for Bertolt. You see the green smoke from the Outer Gate, showing that Levi Squad is in position and that Hange Squad has secured the location. Armin is sent down to see where the soot leads. When he comes back, he informs you of a kettle and cups, all cold. _shit._

Eren transforms and hardens like it’s nothing, but the eerie thing is that there is no response. No titans, at all. No people, other than you all. 

“Sir. I’m going to find a Canvasser. I’ll be right back.”

He nods as you run off to find a Scout tasked with look-out. 

“Recruit!” you call out to Sandra. It’s still paramount that you refrain from identifying anyone. She sees you and salutes—it’s still too fucking weird.

“SIR!” 

You dismiss it and ask for her periscope. You point it in the direction you all came and—there he is.

The motherfucker who’s been haunting your dreams. You scan the horizon and find… villagers? That can’t be right. But there are people, tied up and placed in specific locations. Shit! You toss it back to her as you run back to Erwin and Armin. 

Erwin gives Armin command of nearby Scouts to search nearby—despite the heads up, they have to be close by, within striking distance. Armin sends them to search nearby buildings or crevices but… something feels off? You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you trust in Armin and his ability to figure out where they are. 

Dirk remains with Erwin and they both turn to face you.

“Sir, they’re already in position,” you breathe. You point in the direction of the man and explain what you saw. “We have to believe he can transform those villagers just as he did in Ragako and that once a signal is given, they’ll attack. If that’s the case, Reiner will show himself any minute now.”

You and Erwin already talked about this in great detail. Unfortunately, the best you can do is try to strategically hide the horses, but even still, you don’t know how he’ll attack. You don’t know what other tricks he has up his sleeve.

Before you can explore further, Armin fires an acoustic round. Once everyone convenes, Armin tells everyone to search inside the Walls. You aren’t sure why he thinks that, but you trust him, completely. The Scouts are questioning him, his reasoning. You don’t have time for this!

“DAMMIT! Do you have any idea what kind of situation we’re in?! We don’t have time to waste on your hunches!” 

“HEY. Remove your hands, soldier,” you say firmly, pushing your way to Armin.

He does and Armin continues his train of thought.

“But think about it! The enemy always gets the better of us by using titan powers in ways we never could have imagined. If we constrain ourselves to normal tactical reasoning, we’ll never get the better of them!” 

Erwin immediately fires a red flare. Good. He then follows up with Armin’s command—search the walls. Do your jobs. Win. 

Everyone takes off down the walls, slowly tapping them with their swords to hear for any hollow space. You want to go, to help them, but Erwin has you stay put. A couple minutes pass before someone fires another acoustic round, followed by shouting.

As soon as you find the soldier that identified the weak spot, you watch in horror as a blade slices through him. Blonde hair peaks out and—

“REINER!”

Both you and Armin yell at the same time, but Erwin holds you back. Levi plunges off the edge of the Wall, hurtling towards Reiner with his blades drawn. Levi’s blade pierces Reiner’s throat and the momentum of Levi’s dive carries them back to the ground. Levi stabs him a second time through the chest as he releases the blade in Reiner’s neck. Suddenly, Levi stops and pulls back up the wall.

FUCK.

Reiner’s body hits the ground and a flash of lightning hits him, instantaneously transforming him into the Armored Titan. He lays there for a moment, no doubt healing from Levi’s attacks, and just as he stands up you hear it all behind you.

_**Fuck!**_

The Beast Titan has a boulder in his hand and is getting ready to hurl it—

_DANGER GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY_

  


“EVERYBODY GET DOWN!”

But the boulder doesn’t hit the top of the Wall, where you all are. It hits down below, making it impossible to retrieve or otherwise protect the horses without being in the line of fire. Erwin understands it just as you do. He explains the gravity of the situation to the squad leaders as you scan the formation of the titans.

There are small titans huddled around the arch of the formation, around him. Tall twelve- to fourteen-meter titans make up the perimeter. And… there’s a quadruped titan? You’ve seen some abnormals who will move on all four like it appears they are, but there’s equipment tied to their back. It’s… it has to be another Intelligent Titan. You do a quick tally in your head—of the remaining Intelligent Titans, three are currently unaccounted for. That will be remedied when Bertolt shows his face. You suddenly remember that vision with Hange—Bertolt’s in one of those barrels on the titan’s back!

“We can let the titans crush us, or bring them crashing down!” Erwin announces in a rallying cry.

You can sense as Levi approaches you from behind.

“Erwin, Bertolt’s on the quadruped titan. I think he’s going to be thrown over the Wall. Also, the quadruped titan has intelligence. ”

“Shit,” is all Levi responds with. Erwin mulls this over as Levi continues. “The Armored Titan is about to climb.”

Sure enough, looking back, you see Reiner running at full speed at the Wall, where you all are. You can feel as he grips on to the Wall and starts his ascent. 

Erwin gives his command. "SOLDIERS! You are _NOT YET_ to engage the Armored Titan!” He assesses the situation before him as Reiner climbs the Wall.

You make brief eye contact with Levi before you hear a yowl that could only be coming from the Beast Titan. Shit. Sure enough, any and every titan not designated to hold the perimeter is running forth. 

“Sir! We should try to move the horses,” you urge. When he doesn’t respond, you suggest something else entirely. “Let me go down there, slay as many of them as I can. They won’t recognize me—”

“No,” Levi cuts you off. “It looks as though those titans are responding to the Beast Titan. If _he_ notices you, then we have to assume that he can still make them target you.”

You know he has a point. After all, titans don’t give two shits about horses, but the ones that attacked Utgard Castle did. Shit.

“We need to distract Bertolt and Reiner from slaughtering the horses,” Erwin remarks. “Dirk Squad, Marlene Squad! Join Klaus Squad and protect the horses at the gate!”

“Levi Squad and Hange Squad! I need you to take down the Armored Titan! Do whatever it takes to achieve your objective! The fate of humankind depends on this battle! Lay down your hearts and lives, one final time, for humanity!”

“YES, SIR!!”

How many of those faces will you never see again?

You turn to face Erwin. Reiner’s already near the top. Levi and Armin are heading towards your guys’ squad, but Erwin stops them.

“Hold on, you two. Hange could lead both your squads. I need you right here, Levi.”

Levi’s eyes flash in anger before flickering to you. “So I’ll protect the horses instead of Eren?” 

Erwin gives him the affirmative. “When the chance arises, you’ll strike him down,” he says, pointing his sword at the Beast Titan.

“Understood, sir. I wasn’t fast enough to finish off the Armored one earlier, but I’ll atone for that by taking the Beast Titan’s head.” 

“One more thing, Levi,” you say, just before he takes off. “He’s the one I’ve been dreaming of.” You can see he understands the meaning of this piece of information: take out this threat before you can find out just how much of a dream it really is. “Come back to me.”

His eyes soften and he gives you a nod before leaping down. 

Erwin turns to Armin and tells him to use Eren as bait, to keep the Survey Corps below from becoming overwhelmed. It is the responsibility of your squad to take Reiner down. You remind Armin that once you’re done here, you’ll be joining him. 

Armin gives you a wary look before heading back down, just as Reiner’s hand clamps down on the top of the Wall.

You and Erwin watch as he gazes out towards the Beast Titan, then to down below to find his targets. You wait, wait for the signal, the big distraction before approaching. Your goal right now is to serve as a secondary distraction. Even if you’re not a primary target of theirs, you reason that you’d still make a damn good one. You’ll be acting in part as bait, but you’ll also be attacking with your ability. 

And—there! Eren transforms in the center of Shiganshina just as Reiner sees the two of you.

“Give it a moment, let him turn and look,” Erwin orders.

You nod, realizing that this may be the last time you are able to see this man alive and well. Your throat constricts and you push back the tears that threaten to spill. Reiner turns and just before you leave, you take hold of Erwin’s hand and squeeze.

“It’s been an honor fighting alongside you, sir.”

He nods and you take off.


	33. Return to Shiganshina Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ when you plunged the knife into me _   
>  _ you also began bleeding _   
>  _ my wound became your wound _   
>  _ didn't you know _   
>  _ love is a double-edged knife _   
>  _ you will suffer the way you make me suffer _
> 
> Rupi Kaur

You sprint forth, triggering your gear to place you right on Reiner’s shoulder, near his head.

“HEY, YOU ASSHOLE!”

He shifts his head to assess you. Did he not feel as you climbed on top of him?

“YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S ME—THAT ONE FUCKING BITCH WHO KEPT KICKING YOUR ASS AND WHO’S GONNA DO IT AGAIN!”

Your previous attempts to prevent your crying have been deemed ineffective as a mixture of angry tears and genuine betrayal stream down your face. You can hear the lilt of Erwin’s laugh.

“What the _fuck_ , Reiner? How could you do this? To humanity? To me? Did all that mean nothing to you?”

And with that you dive, deep. You pull up every instance of Reiner’s time with you, every time he acted like a brother to anyone he betrayed. You pull up memories of the four of you as kids, before the Cadet Corps. And when you can’t find any more, you start pushing. You push on your memories, but more specifically, the emotions that seep through each one. You push on him the devastation at finding out about Annie, about Reiner and Bertolt. You push on him the nightmares that plagued you where Bertolt would hold you steady and Reiner would be the one to deliver the killing blow. You push on him the betrayal and loss of losing them, of finding out that the family you had created for yourself was a lie. 

When you come out of it, you realize that you’re screaming at him. 

“HOW COULD YOU?!”

Your hands are still connected to him and you feel it, at that moment, everything that he’s feeling. Grief. So much grief. So much sorrow and regret and guilt. And you feel when he pushes that aside. 

Glancing towards Eren, you take note that he is now further down in the city. It’s time. You turn back to Erwin. “You and Levi make it back to me! That’s an order!” He gives you a wistful smile before you dive off of Reiner. 

Seconds after you do, you hear the grinding of rock behind you. Reiner’s in pursuit of Eren. You hope you bought everyone enough time. 

You race him, trying to find the location of your team. Your eyes keep stopping on familiar features and you struggle to keep the panic tucked away or the memories from springing to your mind. You’ve read about this in old medical texts. They used to call it battle fatigue or soldier’s heart. Fan-fucking-tastic time and place for you to get _that_. 

Reiner’s titan slowly approaches Eren’s, and you know that your team must be somewhere behind them. They would have ensured their location to help Eren if necessary or to attack if not. Eren starts circling around the plaza and you see his fists starting to steam. He’s going to harden them.

Scanning the houses, you see Jean and Armin further away from the fight. The ground starts to shake as you see Reiner running in, fist cocked. Eren dodges, allowing for Reiner to crash into houses instead. Once low enough, Reiner lunges again, hoping to disrupt his center of gravity. Eren dodges again, but Reiner has the momentum and decides to go in for a simple overpower attack. You feel the shockwave of Eren’s attack as it throws you forward to your team. 

Hange equips you with thunder spears as you heard the sounds of their fight—screams from both, the rumble of the ground as they ran or came in contact with it, buildings being demolished. 

There’s the low rumble of Reiner’s growl, and it’s at that moment Mikasa takes off. 

“He needs our help!” she cries, frantically trying to get everyone else to follow.

“NO! We need to wait. We have to trust him!”

She looks distressed but complies nonetheless. From the vantage point that you guys now have, you can see Eren grappling with Reiner on the ground. It was one of the finer points of Eren’s skill as a fighter, and so you knew that the opening you needed was coming up. 

“He’s about to throw him! Now’s our chance!” you shout. Hange observes and comes to the same conclusion as you. They signal for the teams to come in, to attack. Sure enough, Reiner goes rolling as Eren threw him off, giving enough clearance for you to safely attack Reiner without harming Eren. 

_DANGER!_

Reiner starts to open his mouth and you realize that he’s about to signal for Bertolt. You push your gear faster, you need to shut him up! You fly past Eren, past Hange—who’s more than a little upset at your stunt right now—and you’re glad to see Mikasa matching your speed. She glances at you and gives a nod and just as you reach that point that will guarantee your safety, you both fire the spears into his eyes. The two of you pull back and activate the explosives. You see Hange approaching just as they go off. 

Reiner screams in pain and you realize that you’re still in trouble.

“We need to get him out of there! He’s trying to call for Bertolt!” 

Jean nods and directs the rest of Levi Squad. Reiner turns, trying to protect his mouth and throat, but instead, they target the skin around his armored nape. They pull the pins and the resulting explosion is deafening. Once the smoke clears, the nape is completely exposed. Connie shouts as he goes flying, too close to the explosions. He triggers his ODM gear, but it’s still going to hurt like a bitch when he lands. 

“GOOD! We got him! The spears worked—the armor on his nape is in splinters now!”

“We need to follow up! Finish this!” you shout as Hange shouts for you all to attack again. But the hesitation is there, in Sasha and Connie’s faces. It’s still Reiner, even if he is the mission now. Jean yells at them, reminding them that they agreed it needed to be done. They steel themselves and everyone takes off to attack again. Each spear hits its mark and you all pull as one.

Reiner calls out as the spears explode and your heart clenches. You didn’t want to fight them, not like this. But you made your choice, and they made theirs.

“Heh… ha! We pulled it off,” Jean says, disbelief heavy in his voice. Sasha and Connie are crying—hell, you weren’t too far off from that, too—while Armin laments the inability to talk, to negotiate. Hange starts commanding a third wave and—

_DANGER_

Reiner lets out a blood-curdling scream. Fuck.

“THAT’S IT! BERTOLT’S GOING TO BE INCOMING!” 

Everyone stops and stares at you before Hange continues the attack. “Use your thunder spears! If we want him dead, we’ll have to destroy the whole body!” 

How is he not dead??

“Hange, wait! We need to fall back for now! See that barrel? I’m sure Bertolt’s inside!” Armin calls out. They both turn to look at the incoming projectile.

“Shit! Everyone move away from the Armored Titan!” Hange screams and everyone listens.

You hesitate. If Bertolt transforms now, he’ll kill Reiner. If there’s any chance he sees Reiner in the state he’s in now, he’ll wait. This could be your chance to talk to him! 

“VERITE! OUT! NOW! THAT’S AN ORDER!”

“But—” you start, only to immediately be pulled away by Jean. 

“Nevermind that, we need to move!”

Fuck! “Let go of me, Jean! I’ll—”

You’re distracted when the lid of the barrel pops open and Bertolt jumps out. You faintly hear him call for Reiner and seeing him for the first time in months causes your involuntary reaction—

“BERTOLT!”

You watch as his head turns to see you being carried away by Jean in retreat. He keeps on his current trajectory, which is getting to Reiner.

Landing blocks away from their current location, everyone takes a moment to assess the situation.

“Why did he stop? Was it you?” Jean mumbles as he sets you down.

Your thoughts are muddled and you aren’t even certain that you’re connected to your body anymore. Something shakes you and reminds you that you very much are. You turn to face Jean and he repeats his question. 

“Maybe, but I doubt it. I think his objective is Reiner, first and foremost. I might be a secondary target, but if he’s planning to transform, I don’t know how he’d do that safely.”

“When he transformed the last time, he took Ymir and Jakob into his mouth. Ymir came out fine, though.”

“Well, shit. I’ve really been hoping I wouldn’t become titan chow.” Jean laughs while Hange starts reminding everyone that Bertolt _is_ the secondary part of the squad’s mission. 

Moblit calls out, “HEY! Look! There’s someone coming!”

Immediately, your body reacts. Jean wraps his arms around you as you start to step forward. “Let me go, I know what I’m doing!” The look he gives you is full of doubt and you honestly can’t blame him. Hange takes off, informing everyone of their plan to kill him, but Armin sees this as an opportunity to talk. You know that you’re there when that happens. Jean lets go and equips two more thunder spears before following after you and Armin. As Armin lands on a spire a building away from the house belonging to the old couple who ran the bakery. Jean stops you a bit further back.

“Give Armin a chance, right?”

You glance at him but stay put. For now.

“STOP BERTOLT! Just! Wait a minute!” Bertolt stops on a similar spire down the street. “We can talk!”

“If I agree to talk, would you all be willing to lay down and die?” _Shit._ You give another glance to Jean before propelling forward. Bertolt hasn’t reacted to you yet, but he continues. “We only want two simple things: Eren Yeager and the death of everyone in the Walls! All of your fates have been decided!”

“And who is it that decided that?”

You already know the answer, you know better, but you ~~think~~ hope you can get through to him, change his mind. He barely speaks, but you hear it all the same. 

“BERTOLT!” you scream. The color in his face drains as you land on the roof. You try to speak, but your throat is choked up, locked by the tears. “B-Bertolt, why?! Why have you condemned us to death?! What have we ever done—what was our sin?” 

“I-I thought you were dead!” He’s joined you at this point, and you hear Armin coming in, too. His tone isn’t accusatory but filled with incredulity. “Armin said—”

You flashed Armin a death glare as he approached from behind. He stopped, remembering what he said to Bertolt, remembering how you reacted when you found out.

“Well, as you can see that’s not the case! They did capture me, but they didn’t torture me. Annie’s locked up tight underground, if you’re worried about her, too. But, I have to know—did you ever really care for _me_ or just that I’m a Verite?” His eyes widened and it broke your heart. “So—so you knew? You knew,” you say aloud, more to yourself than either of them. 

“Don’t—don’t do that.” 

“Do what? Understand that I was nothing more than a _target_ for you?! Understand that I love the man condemning humanity to extinction? A man who cared more about that than about me?”

“That’s not what’s happening here!”

“Then what is? What have we done to deserve condemnation?”

He doesn’t look at you but at the man standing behind you. Armin had managed to sidle up behind you. His arm wrapped around you and pushed you behind him with surprising strength. Bertolt’s face twisted from pain to fury and he raised his sword to Armin. Armin similarly took up a fighting stance, and your breath caught because the three of you knew who would win. And what would happen if he did.

“You thought I’d break, didn’t you? You thought that I was still the timid fool you once knew and that you could trick me into letting my guard down. I know what this is—the two of you. You’re just buying time, aren’t you? Half of the team will surround me, and the other half will go after Reiner.”

Who— what has happened to the sweet man you had known? Had fallen in love with?

“Look at the way you’re shaking—I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Bertolt, stop this! Please,” you beg. You push yourself past Armin and fling yourself into Bertolt’s arms. You press your lips to his, and he gladly accepts. But—

Everything. Just like with Reiner. Every single moment between the two of you. Every laugh. Every blush. Every kiss. For both of you, pushing your memories, pulling his. Reminding him of the friendships he had made here, of the people he was damning. It morphed into something else—the heartbreak, the fear, the nightmares. You pushed the traumas of the last three months on him—being hunted, stalked, kidnapped, shot, your family’s secrets, seeing Bertolt condemning you all to death. 

_danger!danger!danger!DANGER! **DANGER!DANGER!**_

You let go just as Bertolt grabs the knife that you keep against your leg. Fuck. _FUCK!_

His eyes are contorted in pain, betrayal. Does he—?

Mikasa pulls you out of the way in a spin before her blade connects with the side of Bertolt’s face, cutting off his ear. You stumble backward, but realizing what’s about to happen and what he thinks of you now, you rush forward to Armin and tackle him off the roof. Triggering your ODM gear, you hear as Mikasa is kicked off the roof. 

“Is she okay?” you whisper to Armin as you whisk him away.

“He-he’s going away,” Armin mutters in shock. _Shit!_

“MIKASA! FALL BACK!” you scream as you bolt into Eren’s awaiting palm. 

Mikasa connects her gear to Eren’s shoulder and you start hearing a low pitched sound getting higher—

“TAKE COVER!”

The sky changes from a cornflower blue to a bright crimson hue as he transforms. Eren ducks behind a house, trying to protect everyone as they’ve attached themselves to him or are hiding in his hands. The explosion is massive. Despite being half the city away, the heat is enough to burn. You aren’t sure if you’ve ever experienced winds as intense as the ones caused by his transformation. You can only guess that if you’re this greatly affected over here, anything closer is decimated. You just hope that the rest of your team is okay and out of harm’s way. 

The wind and heat finally die down, and you’re all coughing because of the smoke that surrounds you.

“Are you guys alive?” Jean asks, taking roll call.

Everyone gives varying affirmatives, and you notice Mikasa isn’t here, with you in Eren’s arms.

“Where’s Mikasa?” you ask.

“Over here!” comes her voice from behind a building opposite you. She zips over, rejoining the group. You give everyone a visual once over and are relieved when everyone looks okay, albeit shocked. 

“Where’s Hange Squad?”

“They were right underneath the blast zone.”

Your heart stops. Everyone shifts their gazes up and you see Bertolt’s titan standing up amongst a sea of flaming buildings. 

No.

“Are you saying—that the only ones who survived… are the six of us?”

No.

No, this can’t be. You—you saw Hange, in the future. Unless by them dying right now, they have disproved their theory? In the worst possible way?

You hear a massive rumbling as Bertolt scoops up burning houses and rubble and tosses it.

“He’s trying to light everything on fire,” you mutter. Armin and Jean start discussing what to do next, but you know where he’s going. Since Reiner was unable to complete his task, Bertolt would be taking over. “They’re going for the horses, our enemies? We need to stop him from doing that, distract him. We also have to assume that Reiner is still alive. We can’t leave it to chance that Hange Squad got to him before—before Bertolt transformed,” you tell them. “Jean, do you feel comfortable leading?”

Before he can answer, some of the debris Bertolt is throwing lands on the house that Mikasa had previously been behind. 

“But what about Armin? Erwin gave him command earlier.”

You turn to Armin and know the answer before you ask it. “Do you have a plan?” He shakes his head, panic clear in his eyes. “That’s okay. I trust you. So. Jean? You feel up to it? ‘Cause I’m going to need someone else to take point on Reiner. We need to split up to make this happen. But in the meantime, I need us to get to the river.”

“We should probably take Eren to conserve our gas,” Jean adds. You nod and everyone climbs on Eren before he starts making his way to the river. “We should also try to stay out of sight. Think you can do that Eren?” 

You keep your eyes on Bertolt as he walks towards the Wall, each step creating aftershocks felt by each of you.

Jean remarks that you’re all counting on Armin to be able to think of a way out of this, and even if you don’t admit it out loud, you agree. Instead, you tell him, “I have faith in you. Take a moment to breathe. We both thought Bertolt wouldn’t have been that far gone. I’m going to want you with me figuring out this problem, okay?” He looks down, but you see the gears turning. You all need it, what you’ve been keeping from them. What you haven’t wanted to say, not yet, because saying it means that you can’t change a damn thing. 

As Eren moves closer to the river, steering clear of debris and smoke, you speak up. “Okay guys, there’s something I’ve Seen that I’ve only shown Armin. I didn’t want to tell any of you because I don’t like the idea that I See what I do with absolutely no way to change it, but either way, I need you guys to hear it.” You feel their attention on you, curious as to what you have to say.

“We make it out of this. Somehow. Some way. We make it to the sea. Each and every one of us here, right now. So right now, I’m accepting that there’s not a damn thing I can do to change that, and I’m putting my faith in you all to see today through. We make it to the goddamn sea, okay?” 

“Wait, why didn’t you tell us before?” 

“I, uh, Hange has this theory. That I can only see the future and shit because time is already set. Everything that is happening was always going to happen. That I can somehow tap into that. If that’s the case, then that means knowing what I know about today, there wasn’t a damn thing I could have done to change things. And if that’s the case, I would have given up a long time ago. I have to believe that we _can_ change things.”

You let it hang there. The unspoken truth. If you couldn’t change things, then you would have died long ago. You’re hoping and praying to the universe, the Walls, to deities you don’t even believe in that you’re wrong. But to do that, Hange has to die or Erwin has to survive. But you’re telling them now because they need the hope of survival more than you need the hope that you can change things. They need to hear that they make it out of this. That one day, you all see it, what Armin has been talking about all this time. 

But. It does the trick. Jean sticks around to help make decisions to allow Armin the chance to observe, to find the weak point. You take Sasha and Connie to find Reiner, telling Jean and Mikasa to keep an eye out for a purple flare. Mikasa’s the best shot you have with thunder spears, and if he’s still alive, you’ll need her there. If that’s the case, you’ll regroup with Armin and Eren to come up with a better plan for dealing with Bertolt.

Everyone goes to split up as Eren tackles Bertolt’s ankle. 

_Watch out!_

“NO! EREN!”

Bertolt’s leg moves back and he punts Eren onto the Wall. Fuck!

“OKAY. NEW PLAN FOR RIGHT NOW: MIKASA, TRY TO GO FOR THE NAPE! WE NEED TO KEEP HIM FROM EREN! THE REST OF US WILL BE BAIT!”

While the rest of them taunt Bertolt, trying to distract him, you and Armin fly up the Wall to Eren. Just as you’re about to reach the top, you’re overcome with heat.

“What the fuck? I thought we had more time than that! Armin, you said he was slow!”

“He’s not—he’s releasing steam! Their gear will fail!”

Making it to the top, you see as your friends manage to trigger their gear and—“SHIT! REINER’S STILL ALIVE!” You fire off purple smoke. They need to go. They need to deal with it. “Okay, Armin. It’s just you and me right now until we can get Eren up. What matters most to me is that you and Eren make it. I’m here as your backup. I’m here to keep you alive, got it?”

His eyes go wide with terror, with the realization of your words. “But I—”

“No. Because you know what it was I wasn’t saying. You know about Hange’s theory. What I haven’t told you is that there are three ways for me to test that, and all of them are right here, today. If any of these three things happen, then my visions won’t be for naught.” He nods, dread still evident on his face. “The first would be if Hange truly is dead, because they’re in that vision in the future, right? The second would be that Commander Erwin lives. I was told not to tell anyone, but I trust you with everything. He resigns himself to die today, and I don’t see him in any visions past this point. The third would be if I die. And if I die,” you swallow, “well. There are worse ways to die than at the hands of an old lover.”

“But you’re not saying—?”

“I am. But we don’t have time to focus on that. What do you see? I need your eyes,” the plea falls from your mouth.

He watches, looks as the rest of your team goes to deal with Reiner. Assesses as Bertolt comes closer. 

“He’s thinner…”

You look back to Bertolt and you notice it. His arms are thinner, even more disproportionate to the rest of his body. He’s lost muscle from his waist, and his legs aren’t as thick.

“I think he’s burning through flesh and muscle tissue to produce the steam! I think… I think I have a plan. You’re not going to like it, though.”

He explains his plan, and he’s right—you fucking hate it. But it might be the only chance you have to win, and dammit, you aren’t letting all those sacrifices be for naught. Fuck! _**FUCK!**_

“You’re certain? You’re certain that you want to do it this way?”

“I am. I think this is the only way it’s going to work.”

“Fucking hell, Armin! Okay. I trust you. If this is it, your plan, I’ll follow it. But I have some shit to say before then.”

You turn and face away from Shiganshina. You need a moment to collect your thoughts, and you see it. The devastation. The houses outside of the Wall are almost completely demolished. There are bodies _everywhere_. The titans on the left are slowly coming down—that must be Levi. You can’t think of anyone else who would have been able to do that. Fuck. You guys need this win. You nod to yourself before turning back. You envelop Armin in a tight hug and tell him.

“Armin, I love you. You are my family, my brother at this point. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I never thanked you enough for everything. I trust you with everything and I don’t regret a single second of it. Do me a favor and don’t tell Eren. He’s never going to agree to it if you tell him. I’d tell you to be safe, but fuck. This plan of yours kind of shoots that in the foot, huh?” You’re crying. Fucking hard. You aren’t sure how you’re going to go and fight Reiner after this, but you have to. Someone fucking has to, and if Armin has it here, then you need to complete the second part of the mission. You pull back and kiss him on the cheek. “Fuck. I’m gonna miss you.”

“Me, too. Just… make it to the sea, okay? For me?” 

You nod and let go before he kicks you off the edge of the Wall. You let yourself fall until you almost reach the ground, before catching your gear on something. Jean was right earlier—you have to conserve your gas. It’s hot, down here, this close to Bertolt. You have to keep out of sight of him. It’s better if he truly thinks you died. 

Traveling through the city, you can hear Jean giving direction. Good. You cut to the left to meet them. Reiner’s heading their way, but you need them to know you’re here, that you have their backs so you whistle. They slow, just a little, and Jean details his plan. It hinges on their ability to distract him. 

But when you all approach, Reiner continues on his trajectory. Mikasa then takes it upon herself to pursue, to disable him. One spear to the knee and he’s down. He starts to get up and you thrust forward to take out both of his eyes with your thunder spears—you can’t risk him having any more of an advantage than he already does, and you still have the three with Connie, Jean, and Sasha. They sink into the flesh and you push yourself backward, pins coming out as you do. Your gear attaches to something behind you and you try to pull yourself back as quickly as possible. You’re successful for the most part. The force of the explosion is enough to send you into the wall of a building.

It knocks the breath out of you, but they have a better chance now, right? You hear the distant thud of Eren’s body hitting the ground. Good. That means Armin’s plan is working. Fuck. 

“Eren! Armin! No. They have their own job,” you hear Mikasa remark. You can’t lose it now, as much as you want to, because if you do she’ll race to the rescue. No. You haven’t done all this to lose like this.

“Guys! He’s open! Go!” you shout as Jean comes to check you. 

“You good?”

“Do I look good? C’mon. Let’s finish this.” Jean offers you his hand and you take it. Once on your feet, Jean takes off to distract Reiner by targeting the nape. 

Connie and Sasha attack from the sides, intent on lodging the spears in the muscle of his jaw. Reiner runs his arm along the roof of the building to his right, throwing debris in Jean’s way. He pulls back in time, but you see that as Sasha releases her spear, one of the shingles pierces her upper chest. After Connie fires his spear, he catches a falling Sasha. 

“BRING HER HERE!” You call, relieved when Connie changes direction to comply.

“What do we do?!” He’s panicking. 

You have him lay her down and ask Connie for his knife. Fuck, this is going to be a pain. You need to expose the wound to see what you’re doing, but the shingle is so perfectly embedded in her flesh that it’s no easy feat. You manage to carefully cut the cloth away. It’s bad, but not bad enough that she won’t recover. There’s only so much you can do right now with no clean water and two deadly not-dead titans. Shit.

“I can only partially treat her until Reiner and Bertolt are cared for, but we need to stabilize the wound and reduce bleeding in the meantime. Do you think you can help me with that?” Connie’s eyes are wide but he nods. You have him go into one of the nearby houses to get you clean clothes or towels. He’s successful, and you show him how you need them rolled. Once they are, you place the rolled cloth on either side of the shingle and then again vertically above. You’re able to get out the gauze you kept on you and secure the entire thing. It takes up nearly all your gauze, and fuck if it wasn’t difficult to wrap it around her torso, but it will have to do.

“This is the best I can do right now. Once they’re down, we can do better, clean it out. Keep an eye on her, though. I need to check-in—I need to see Armin and Eren.” 

You look up and see Hange come from behind you, thunder spear ready to be engaged. You breathe a sigh of relief as you engage your gear and take off towards Bertolt. 

His titan is considerably smaller than before, with more bone showing. Looking at the gate, Eren is finishing his hardening. If you can race over there, you can make sure he’s okay, that he will be able to get Bertolt since you’re almost out of gas. The steam—the heat… it’s overbearing. It’s so hard to breathe, but you’re almost there! Before you get there, you see something… no, _someone_ falling. You reposition your gear and catch what you can only assume to be Armin. You think you can hear the whirring of ODM gear, but you can’t focus on that. You need—you need to take care of Armin. 

Everything begins to shudder as Bertolt’s titan falls. Good. This wasn’t for nothing.

You flee the area, trying to find Eren, but mostly trying to keep you and Armin safe. You don’t know if he’s still alive or if you’re just carrying a corpse, but you’re not about to risk you both to find out. 

The dust starts settling and you call for him. Eren comes over, dragging a limbless Bertolt by the back of his shirt. 

Fuck. fuck.

Why did it have to come to this? Why did this have to happen like this?

“Is that—?”

“Armin. Yeah.”

“Is he… is he dead?”

“I don’t know. I can’t hear or feel a pulse. So. Maybe.”

“Oh.”

You two sit in silence as Bertolt’s body repairs itself and you look out at your destroyed city.

“How’d you and Armin meet?”

He looks at you before looking away. All of this… it’s just heavy. The cost of the truth? Would you still have paid it?

“He was always coming in to see my dad and I didn’t get why. I followed him one day and saw him getting picked on. I asked him why he didn’t put up a fight. He told me that he wasn’t losing because he didn’t run.”

You chuckle at that. Pretty much fits everything you knew about him. Always the pacifist. Never one to run away. 

“He was the bravest of us all.” 

You can’t speak, can’t respond, so you nod your head. After a moment, you find your voice. “He was the best of us… Hange helped take down Reiner. They should be with the rest of the team now.” Even if you haven’t always gotten along, you two have been on the same team for years now. It started in Shiganshina, then the Cadet Corps. Then Levi Squad. Same with Armin. Same with Mikasa. 

❦

Emptiness. That’s what you’re feeling. Just… nothing. It’s almost comforting in how much nothing there is inside of you right now. At least it’s not pain.

Eren’s realized you won’t speak, so he starts to speak to Armin. The words… they should be evoking something in you, but they aren’t.

_incoming_

There’s a rumble from a building not too far away and your head snaps up. You’re on your feet before you can process it, and Eren is holding tightly onto the back of Bertolt’s shirt.

“Grab your sword and turn around,” you tell him. 

The smoke clears and for a second you can see the quadruped titan with him on the back.

“YOU!”

  
  


“The titan, or—?”

“That’s the Beast Titan on its back. That’s the one responsible for all of this,” you growl. You take up a fighting stance, ready to fucking gut them. The titan moves forward and you wait. You’re out of gas. You need them to come closer. Worst case, Eren can—

No. That’s the whole point of this. To get Eren. 

FUCK.

You both pivot as the titan moves closer, bouncing from house to house.

“COME ANY CLOSER AND I’LL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROATS!”

Rage. All consuming. He is the reason why Erwin is probably dead. He is the reason those villagers were turned into titans, made to suffer. He is the reason for Connie’s mom. He is the reason for Bertolt and Reiner’s current status. He is the one who haunts your fucking dreams. You feed the fire, stoke it until it’s all you can feel. Rage. You’re going to fucking murder him, and that piece of shit who’s wearing titan skin beneath him.

“You know who I am?” 

“You’re the motherfucker who haunts my fucking dreams.” You don’t even recognize your own voice or the words coming out of your mouth, but you’re positive that you mean them. 

“Ah. You’re the one.” His eyes shift to Eren and his expression softens, just a little. Just enough. He looks like he’s about to speak when Eren does first. 

“JUST TRY—TRY TO COME CLOSER! MAKE ONE MOVE TO TAKE HIM AND I’LL SLIT HIS THROAT!”

He just looks between the two of you, the raw, feral hatred. But all he says is, “I found you. Eren Yeager, right?” Eren snarls, keeping his eyes forward. The blade on Bertolt’s throat slices and the man’s eyes widen, but he keeps on topic. “You don’t look a thing like your father.”

“Keep talking and we’ll murder the three of you,” you remark as you see Eren losing focus.

“You wouldn’t let him do anything to your love, now would you?”

You scoff. “My love? You mean the one who condemned me to death? Or the one who’s currently chasing after you?”

“Ah. Levi, right?” You don’t like the way Levi’s name sounds coming out of his mouth. “He’s titan food by now.”

“Fat chance of that. You know how hard it is to kill an Ackerman? Trust me, he’s not too far behind.” 

“Ackerman?” The way his eyes widen tells you that he knows. 

“If you know about Ackerman, then you must know about Verite. Tell me, what do they tell you about my family?” 

You know that Levi’s your best chance at this point, even if he’s out of gas like you. Eren’s ready to kill Bertolt, but in all honesty? One bite from the titan and he’s gone. You need someone else.

“The Oracle to the Crown. Although, according to Bertolt, you knew nothing about it.” He sees that’s not the case anymore. He sees that you’re dangerous, that you are a threat to his existence, so he decides to move back to Eren. “Trust me, Eren. We’re both just victims of your father. I’m sorry, but he’s brainwashed you.” His face changes to abject horror and you feel Levi behind you.

“He’s here, isn’t he?” you mock. “I fucking told you.”

His eyes whip to you, and you see it—the face of the man who tortures you, demands the future. Now you know him, you plan on ending his future.

He groans at Levi’s presence. “You’re kidding. He chased me all this way?! What a monster.” 

You growl, tearing his attention from Levi. “He’s not the only one.” Levi’s coming down the Wall—sliding down it, is more like. He has to be out of gas. 

“Bertolt. I’m sorry, but this is the end for you.” 

He’s… He’s here to collect the two of them. He can’t take Bertolt, so he’s going to try for Reiner next. You equip the purple flare and fire it, feeling comfortable letting your guard down for a second now that Levi’s incoming. 

“You—!” Hatred. “Eren. Someday, I’ll come back and save you from this.” The titan bounds in the direction of the rest of Levi Squad. You hope that someone saw the flare, that someone is alert.

“He ran?” Eren asked, visibly perturbed. You allow your legs to collapse from under you. Levi’s nearer—he’s using ODM gear now. 

He lands, and he’s covered in blood. You can’t see whether it’s him or not, but you don’t care. You know what he needs, so you take over holding Bertolt.

“I just used the last of my gas. Quick—give me your gear so I can chase him.” 

“Right!” Eren calls as he starts fiddling with his gear. 

That’s when you hear it. The cough. Armin’s cough.

“ARMIN?!”

Eren turns at the sound, at you calling out for Armin. Everything stills. Eren immediately gives up on giving Levi his gear and is instead hovering over Armin in relief.

Mikasa arrives and is shocked by Armin’s state and Eren’s excitement over the former’s proof of life.

“Levi?” you ask, still holding Bertolt. 

This is it. This is how Armin survives to see tomorrow. You’re fucking stuck. But you can’t really care about that right now because your heart is being torn in two, because no matter what you had said to the man, you still love Bertolt and you love Armin but only one of them can live. 

He bows his head, overwhelmed with grief, with the burden placed upon him by that tiny _fucking_ box and all of this is too fucking much. 

“CAPTAIN! GET THE SYRINGE!”

He pulls it out, but it’s… it’s too much. This decision. This responsibility. 

Eren pulls on Bertolt, trying to take him from you. 

“N-no! Not—just. Let me say goodbye if this is how things end?” 

He looks at you like you’re crazy but you don’t fucking care because today’s a giant fucking shit day and when it comes to goodbyes, you’re already on a roll. You pull Bertolt back to you and hold his face between your hands. Placing your forehead against his, you go, reach. But his mind… it isn’t… here? It’s somewhere else. But you’re already this deep down the rabbit hole and it honestly feels like it’s sucking you towards it.

❦

_You’re in this mysterious land. It’s eerily familiar. There are expansive hills of soft, white sand that extend from one point on the horizon to the other. You look up, and the sky is illuminated by millions of little points. It looks like the night sky, but if it is, it isn’t yours. You’re too familiar with the stars in your sky, the lights that you whisper your secrets to. There’s a light that dances across the heavens, alternating in hue. Soft pinks, blues, purples, and greens._

_This… You’re not on the same plane of existence as before._

_ Where are you? _


	34. Bertolt Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ My greatest lesson learnt,   
>  you were mine until you weren't. _
> 
> _ It was you who taught me so, _   
>  _ the grace of letting go. _
> 
> _ The time we had was all— _   
>  _ there was not a moment more. _   
> 
> 
> Lang Leav, "All There Was" 

* * *

#### Shiganshina - Bertolt

The months following the capture of Ymir went by excruciatingly fast. Maybe it was because he felt… void? Those relationships that he had spent the last five years cultivating were gone, the bridges burned. Not to mention the uncertainty of what happened to you.

It was bad enough they had come to confront them, talk to them. He was absolutely terrified of Mikasa, and if the stories about the Ackerman’s were anything to go by, he had every reason to be. Her presence made sense. But Jean? Connie? Sasha? _Armin_?! That just made everything worse.

Bad enough that your letter nearly broke him, that you still hoped for him to change his mind, still loved him. But now he had them all appealing to their friendships with him, try to get him to explain _why_ , and at that point, he himself wasn’t sure. 

He had chastised Reiner for splitting, having that break in his consciousness, but was he any better? The time spent with you, by your side, softened him. Not like he wasn’t soft before, but he didn’t have that same drive, that same purpose as he did when they first arrived five years ago. He had allowed himself to be lulled into imagining something greater with you, something more peaceful, and in turn, something better with his friends. But no, they weren’t his friends. They were his victims, just as they were telling him now. 

They’re absolutely right. He was a monster. He hated being alive, being born into this world, into this body. He hated that he had been shit on all his life by his home country and that he had thought he had the opportunity to do better, to prove himself equal. He hated that when he came here, he didn’t find the devils he was promised, just poor, depressed, terrified people whose knowledge of the world had been stripped away from them. This… this was not what they had been told. But they still had a job to do. And he felt like a monster for doing it. He _was_ a monster. 

But… he couldn’t be a failure. He _wouldn’t_ be a failure. He may have fucked up by caring too much, by loving you, falling into your hopes and dreams, but if the reality he has to live in is this one, one where he doesn’t have you, then he won’t be a failure.

And then Armin arrived. Of everyone, excluding you, Armin was the one he had felt closest to. Maybe it was that you two were often together. But he liked Armin—he was small, bad at combat, but astonishingly intelligent and clever. And the kindness and determination that rolled off of him was soothing. He had a knack for making friends, and because he was such a close friend to you, he wanted to get to know Armin, too. But when Armin arrived, he knew that was a mistake. 

_ “BERTOLT!” Armin paused like he hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Do you know what they’re doing to her? Because of you? When Erwin came, he told us that they captured her, arrested her for her relationship with you. They know about her—what she can do. Apparently, Captain Levi was too hurt to be able to stop them. He had to watch as they beat her until she was black and blue. They called her a spy, an enemy of the state, a traitor. They took her to the capital, where she won’t see the light of day. It won’t be long until they **use** her. I’m talking about her power. She’s pretty, but you know that. How long do you think it took for them to have their way with her? How long do you think it will be before she breaks completely? After she’s been betrayed by you? By Annie?” _

_“SHUT YOUR MOUTH, HELL SPAWN! I’LL KILL YOU!”_

No. NO. It can’t be true! None of it! 

When all was said and done, when Reiner was carrying him and Ymir to Wall Maria, all he could think of was you. 

Was it as Armin said? Did they actually have you? All of the Scouts knew of your guys’ relationship, but did that mean they captured you for it? He already knew that the government knew the truth about the world outside the Walls, meaning they probably already knew the truth about you… That man that Annie had fought with all that time ago, he was with the MPs. He was dangerous enough, from what Annie said. 

But if Armin was telling the truth, how long would you hold up? How long would it be until you died? He knew what love and trust meant to you, and to have been proven wrong? Would that be what breaks you? Would you refuse to keep going?

Those thoughts, that conversation, haunted him, his sleep. It would be easier if you were dead, he decided. If you had died. And so, to him, you were.

❦

He doesn’t like Zeke. He respects him, sure, but he doesn’t like him. Zeke has an authority complex, a holier-than-thou attitude that gets under his skin.

Reiner had told Zeke about you, about your status as a Verite, about your disposition, about your… relationship with him. Unlike Bertolt, Reiner believes you to still be alive, that Annie is still alive. When pressed about Bertolt’s thoughts on your condition, he doesn’t respond. You’re dead. You have to be. There’s no way they would keep you alive if you didn’t play ball, and knowing you, you wouldn’t have. You would have been too much of a threat. So if you didn’t kill yourself, they killed you. You were dead. Zeke didn’t believe him, but it didn’t matter. You aren’t the priority of the mission. Eren is.

Zeke moves on to reassure Reiner that Annie’s fine—he doubts she’s been captured, and if she were, he doubts the military has the equipment or know-how to harm her. She’ll be fine waiting. 

“We can be the ones to end this. So let’s do it.”

“Understood, sir. ‘Till this is done, I’ll keep them out of my head. This is a living hell, but we shouldn’t put anyone else through it. You’re right. This needs to end.”

Bertolt just needs to get off this island. Off this cursed place. He doesn’t even want to go home anymore. But he didn’t come here for nothing, he didn’t sacrifice everything to inherit this monster, lose you, and still be an Eldian devil for nothing. He’ll at least end this, this suffering.

Reiner agrees and Pieck arrives to notify them of the Survey Corps’ arrival. It’s time.

❦

He’s sitting inside the barrel, waiting for the signal. He’s tempted to act, to push Pieck into motion, but Zeke will wait until the signal. He trusts Reiner’s judgment more than Bertolt’s, despite Reiner’s mental break. He’s been doing better, but that may change when he has to face them all again.

But it comes. It’s… different. More desperate. Regardless, he doesn’t have time to dwell on that. Pieck moves forward and Zeke grabs the barrel and throws. He makes it over the Wall, but he needs to be deeper in if he’s going to transform. Just as he gets in deep enough, he sees Reiner—hunched over. Not moving. 

No!

He leaps out of the barrel and dives until he’s close enough to use the ODM gear. He calls for Reiner as he nears, hoping to trigger a reaction, something when—

“BERTOLT!”

It’s distant. Maybe he wanted to hear it? Maybe it’s his conscience begging him to stop, to not do this. He always liked to think that his conscience sounded like you, but… He turns his head and sees the team zipping past. He doesn’t see you, but maybe you’re there? 

No. He can’t let that distract him.

He lands on Reiner and is shocked to see the top half of Reiner’s head completely gone. It’s smoking, though, so he checks Reiner’s pulse—it’s there. It’s faint but there. He must’ve transferred his consciousness throughout the body of his titan. That means they’re close. They have the tools necessary to win. He can’t let that happen—he needs this to end, _now_.

“Reiner. I need you to do something for me. You’re going to have to move just a little bit, and if you can’t, then I’m sorry. Prepare for the worst.”

He doesn’t want to lose Reiner, but more than anything, this war needs to come to a close. One way or another.

He takes off in the direction that the team had gone, wanting to grant them a quick death by his transformation. Armin approaches, grabs his attention. He lands on a spire not too far away. Bertolt knows what this is—Armin is going to try to talk, to negotiate. 

“STOP BERTOLT! JUST! WAIT A MINUTE! We can talk!”

He doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want to talk to Armin of all people. He knows this is another diversion, another opportunity to buy time. But fuck it. He also knows that at the end of the day, they’re going to be dead.

“If I agree to talk, would you all be willing to lay down and die? We only want two simple things: Eren Yeager and the death of everyone in the Walls! All of your fates have been decided!” 

“And who is it that decided that?”

“I did. Here and now.”

Armin raises his hand to his ear and he can tell Armin’s about to ask him to repeat it when he hears it again.

“BERTOLT!”

His eyes find you, speeding to him. His heart clenches and he doesn’t know how to process this. You’re alive? No, no, nononononono, this can’t be. You were dead? But you’re not?! You’re _alive_?!! 

_“Bertolt, why?”_ There are so many raw emotions in your face, it hurts. He missed you, how open you are, how the world brightens when you’re in it. He wants to run to you, hold you, take you away from here, but he can’t. The mission is to end this. _“Why have you condemned us to death?! What have we ever done—what was our sin?”_ Being born in this world. But he can’t say that. Not to you. 

He shoots down to the roof you’ve landed on and he recognizes it from your vision—how could he have forgotten? You look… different. More hardened. Sharp, like a weapon, ready to strike. What have these past months done to you? He doesn’t see any signs of scarring or torture on what little of your skin is exposed, but your eyes… they’re simultaneously fragile and resolute. You look like you might break if he holds you to him, and god does he want to hold you to him. At the same time, it’s like you said in your letter: you’ve made your choice. And that choice isn’t him. 

“I-I thought you were dead!” No, he _believed_ you were dead. Stone cold convinced you were dead. But you’re here, in front of him, alive and unharmed. “Armin said—”

The look you give Armin is something he’s never seen from you before, nor the way Armin cowers from you. What had happened? You turn back to face Bertolt and his world just stops. It’s just the two of you and he missed you. 

“Well, as you can see, that’s not the case! They did capture me, but they didn’t torture me. Annie’s locked up tight underground, if you’re worried about her, too. But, I have to know—did you ever truly care for _me_ or just that I’m a Verite?” 

That’s— _that’s_ what you think?? How could you doubt his love for you? No, it was never about what you were, but who you were.

“So—so you knew?” The heartbreak in your eyes is unbearable, devastating, absolute. But… no, you _knew_ how he felt about you. You could dive into his mind, and you have! You knew what he felt for you! So this—all of this is a distraction. You’re buying time, you’re… you’ve changed. What happened in the months since he’s been gone?

“Don’t—don’t do that,” he says. He means it as a warning, but it comes out like a plea.

“Do what? Understand that I was nothing more than a _target_ for you?! Understand that I love the man condemning humanity to extinction? A man who cared more about that than me?”

He knows you’re just trying to get a rise out of him ~~and goddammit it’s working~~ , but your words hit him in two distinct ways. You still, after all this time, all this shit, love him. There is still love in your heart for him. But you understand why he’s here and what he’s doing. You understand that he needs to see this through, but he can’t let you think that he didn’t love you, that he used you. Even if you’re only saying this to create a distraction, he needs to say it out loud, he needs you to hear it.

“That’s not what’s happening here!”

“Then what is? What have we done to deserve condemnation?”

Before he can answer, he notices Armin closing in on the bubble that you two created for yourselves. In an instant, Armin manhandles you out of the way, and all he sees is red. NO. Armin can’t be the one to touch you like that. Armin can’t be the one to try to protect you—not from him! They both stood to fight, and he hoped you would forgive him for killing Armin. For standing against you.

“You thought I’d break, didn’t you? You thought I was still the timid fool you once knew and that you could trick me into letting my guard down. I know what this is—the two of you. You’re just buying time, aren’t you? Half of the team will surround me, and the other half will go after Reiner. Look at the way you’re shaking—I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Bertolt, stop this, please!” 

Before he can process it, you’ve pushed yourself past Armin and you’re thrusting yourself into his arms. You chose… him? Instead of the man you considered a best friend, a brother, you’re choosing the man who you loved, who betrayed you? His arms wrap around you and he finds solace in this kiss, absolution. But then they come. 

You bring up… everything. Every single memory he has with you, but more than that. It’s not just his memories, his feelings, but yours, too. For the first time, he feels the true extent of your love, how you used to see him. Then you show him the friendships he made, the moments between each of the people he’s going to be responsible for killing. Finally—he sees. The question he’s been asking himself since seeing you here today.

He feels the heartbreak at discovering Annie, at discovering Bertolt and Reiner, at writing that letter. He feels the fear that clenched your heart when you realized the truth of them, both fear for yourself and fear for Bertolt. He sees your nightmares, so many nightmares. All of Bertolt holding you, caressing you, loving you, and turning you around so that Reiner could make the killing blow. But there’s one—the first one—he sees a glimpse of what you had been dreaming of before, of who you were kissing before you were kissing Bertolt, and how you felt about that kiss. You show Bertolt the memories of being stalked, hunted. Of being attacked in the marketplace, of being shot, and nearly killed trying to save Jean. Of being kidnapped, feeling helpless in that chamber, watching hopelessly as that man turned into a titan twice the size of him. Of learning of your family and how that dealt a significant blow to your will to live. Of how it felt, seeing Bertolt condemn you all to death.

He knows what’s coming. He spent nearly a year with you, with your gift. He knows how to compartmentalize so that he can work around that. He feels like he’s in danger, now that he knows. Now that he knows what you’ve been through and who you’re most likely with. He knows what that must have done to you and how dangerous you are. His hand finds the handle—a knife!? Were you going to kill him?! Lure him in with a kiss, use his love against him, to kill him?!

He grabs the knife to throw it away from you guys, but before he can get any further than holding it, you’re gone from his arms and Mikasa slides her blade against his own. He blocked most of it, but the blade connected to his face and took off his ear. He manages to use the momentum of his failed dodge to land a kick to her upper back, forcing her off the roof. He turns to kill Armin, but you already have him and are zipping away. Shit!

He senses Mikasa about to attack again, but instead of her person, she throws one of the blades directly at his head. He’s able to block it before she rushes forward, murderous intent in her eyes. As he turns to leave, to get far enough up to transform, he hears you call back to her.

He marvels at the peculiarity of the moment, of not being afraid, of being resolute. Part of him hopes that you’ll make it, away from the blast. Part of him hopes that you’ll be close so that your death will be instantaneous. He knows that no matter what happens, he’s going to be okay with the outcome. Both sides of this war have no idea what the truth is, where it lies. They’re both under the wrong impressions of the other. Victims of circumstance. No one’s in the wrong here. He doubts that anything could have been done to change this, to change the outcome of this war. His mind drifts to you for a moment and how sad it must be, realizing that if you haven’t already. You’re just a passive observer to the truth, to history, both as it was and as it will be. There isn’t a thing you could do to change any of it. None of you… No one here had a choice in this—the world is just that cruel. 

Once high enough, he transforms, sealing his fate if it wasn’t already.

❦

He’s aware of you all, hovering around him, wasting your gas. He’s having to increase his steam output to keep you all off him, but not enough that he’s immobile. Eren is on his ankle, trying haplessly to halt Bertolt’s path to the Wall. He swings his leg back and—! There. Eren should be unconscious right now. It will make it easier for him to kill the horses and grab Eren in one fell swoop.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you shouting at the team, their response before they comply with whatever you just said. Are you… are you the highest-ranking officer here? Shit. If you are, there’s a chance you’ll win. The only way he can stop that from happening is if he kills you.

And knowing that suffocates him. 

You and Armin ascend the Wall to Eren’s location. Maybe it’s just that you’re a doctor and you need to check on Eren, wake him up as you did in Trost? Your figure looks past him, down to the city and in an instant, you fire off purple smoke. Emergency? Shit. You are the leader. You’re signaling something to your team, maybe on either side. You did good—if you used red to show either mission failed or titan spotted, it could be lost in the haze of the fire, imperceptible to those going to attack Reiner. If you used black to signal an abnormal, like what was used for Annie, it would be lost among the smoke. But purple? That’s not something used often. It’s smart. 

You turn to Armin before hugging him. What—what are you planning? You pull away from Armin, with your arm extended on his shoulder before he kicks you off the Wall. WHAT THE FUCK?! 

He can’t even save you because he’s so hot right now it would incinerate you on contact. You’re… gone. Dead. And he’s looking at your murderer, standing on Eren’s shoulder. The asshole! He should have killed Armin before on that rooftop. These are his final moments—this is how he’s going to spend them?

Eren goes to get up after Armin hops down, but he slips. Probably has a concussion. At least that will make him easier to take. Eren makes a dull thud when he hits the ground. It’s definitive. Without you, without Eren, they’re done for. Zeke has most likely already carried out his part and is coming to finish up here. It’s time. 

Bertolt swings his arm along the top of the Wall to knock Armin off. He dodges, but ends up falling the same as you did. No—

Armin managed to hook on his gear to Bertolt’s elbow, swinging him closer. He then hooks on somewhere else and pulls closer to the neck. You must have been training him—his switches and turns are a lot smoother, more similar to your own style. So why did he kill you?

No matter. It’s over now. 

Bertolt increases his steam output to scorching temperatures. His titan may be slow, but the advantage is his massive size carries immense power, energy. He’s able to quickly adjust the energy created by the molecules in his titan, and as there are so many, it works instantly.

But Armin’s still holding on? He’s easily one of the smartest people Bertolt knows, but this seems to be a stupid way to die. If this is how he wants to die, Bertolt will oblige him. Burning to death is one hell of a way to go, so he’ll make it quick. Bertolt’s heat strips Armin of his flesh and his grip weakens before he is physically unable to hold on any longer. He falls, and Bertolt stops emitting heat. It’s time to gather Eren, to kill the horses, and leave this place for good.

He looks down at Eren, but is surprised by the hardened titan. This was… a diversion? So if Eren’s not there then where is he?

Before he can give it more thought, he hears a ferocious scream of agony. He knows that scream. It’s—you?! You were dead! So Armin killing you, that was a diversion, too? To make Armin seem more dangerous, to make him the focus of Bertolt’s rage? 

There’s a different cry, a pinch in the back of his shoulders, in his trapezius. 

“GOTCHA!” Eren then cut him out of the nape, severing his hands and legs. As he processed everything that happened, his body went into shock and he succumbed to the darkness.

❦

A weightlessness. No, not quite. There’s weight against his back, pulling him. 

A voice. Yours? 

Calling out for Eren. To come.

Come where? Where is he?

He hears Eren speak, ask. 

You identify what he’s asking about, affirmative. Why do you sound so sad?

Dead? Who’s dead? 

What is death? 

Is it usually this noisy? 

Or is he not dead?

He’s not being dragged anymore. Instead, he’s gently placed against something firm.

He hears your chuckle. It was always such a beautiful thing to listen to.

Eren starts talking but he doesn’t want to hear Eren. He wants to hear you.

He had gotten used to you, used to when you felt like you were in danger. Why do you feel like that now?

You bark an order to Eren and suddenly he’s being lifted up again, something sharp pressing against his throat.

Maybe he’s not dead. But he wants to be. Just end it already.

The venom in your voice is almost enough to bring him to the surface, but his body just isn’t willing, not yet. 

  
_“COME ANY CLOSER AND I’LL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROATS!”_  


He’s never heard you sound so terrifying. Or is it that _you_ are the one terrified? 

He hears Zeke. Why is Zeke here? Why are you so angry? He hears your explanation. He knows. Zeke is a threat to you, very real.

But there’s nothing he can do about that, not yet.

The blade on his throat cuts into the flesh. He knows this, but it doesn’t hurt?

“You wouldn’t let him do anything to your love, now would you?”

He never liked Zeke. 

_“My love? You mean the one who condemned me to death? Or the one who’s currently chasing after you?”_

No. Don’t talk about him. Not now.

He doesn’t want to hear about the man who cares for you now, who shares all your secrets and hopes.

He can’t—

He’s

_d r i f t i n g_

❦

#### The Coordinate

_ He doesn’t need to open his eyes to know where he is. The air is unnaturally clean. The surface beneath him shifts, just so. He bets that if he opens his eyes, he’ll see it. All the points of life, all the souls that once were, and the Source of All. There are gentle hands tugging at the space where his arms used to be. He’s grateful, though he never thanks her. _

_ He can see why the Eldians used to think her a god. She isn’t, he doesn’t think. She’s bound to the Founding Titan’s will, and what kind of god would do that? _

_ But he says nothing and lets her work. _

❦

 _He feels it. The subtle tug in the back of his mind. He’s overwhelmed with the scent of you—lavender, rosemary, and lemon._

_ He holds on to it. He’s not sure when he’ll see you again. _If_ he sees you again.  _

_ The reminder of you lulls him into a nice sleep. _

_ He hasn’t slept like this since before Utgard Castle. _

_ Then he hears it. _

_**“Bertolt?”**_

_His eyes open at the sound of your voice. She’s there, working on his legs now. He can’t get up. But he hears the soft shifting of sand as you near. The scent of you is almost overpowering. Why is it so strong here? How are you here?_


	35. The Truth Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 94.
> 
>   
>  _ I simply want to be dead. _   
>  _Weeping she left me_
> 
> _with many tears and said this:_   
>  _Oh how badly things have turned out for us._
> 
> _...I swear, against my will I will leave you._   
> 
> 
> Sappho (trans. Anne Carson) 

* * *

#### Unknown - The Coordinate

_**“Bertolt?”**_

_He’s there, half-buried in sand with the girl working over him. She looks up at you in surprise and—_

_**c l i c k**_

_It hits you with such force you’re physically (if you were physically here, anyway) pushed back. Your conscious and subconscious collide with one another so fast it hurts._

_**“What’s happening to her?”** panic seeps from his voice._

_**“She’s remembering. It will be permanent now.”** _

_You—this is how your power works. This place is the manifestation of all of humanity, all consciousnesses connecting at that point, the Source of All. It exists outside of time, meaning that hours here are nanoseconds back in your body. You aren’t meant to remember, but you do._

_You remember Ymir and all of the times you’ve visited her. You remember the conversations, her patience as you would return without your memories. You remember her vivid descriptions of your ancestors, of the truth of their power, the role she played. You remember her anguish, her fear, her despair. You remember her hope and happiness at your visits._

_**“Ymir—why am I here right now? Why is Bertolt here right now? I thought… I thought you said that only a few selected people could come here?”**_

**“Yes, that’s right.”** _Her voice is light and airy, something you never noticed before._

_You consider her words. As far as you’re aware, Bertolt isn’t of a royal lineage, nor is he an Ackerman or Verite… **“Is it because he’s an Intelligent Titan?”**_

**“Yes, one of the Nine,”** _she hums. She looks content, almost. She’s molding Bertolt’s limbs with sand, but… his limbs were cut off._

_**“You heal them. You’re the one who rebuilds their bodies.”**_

_She smiles like you understand, like you finally get what it is that she’s here to do._

_**“Wait, I still don’t understand. How are _you_ here right now?”** Bertolt’s leaning up almost, propped up by the yet-to-be-finished arms she’s building for him._

_You kneel in the sand beside him and encourage him to lay down. You aren’t entirely sure yourself, but you can hazard a guess or three._

_**“All I know is that each time I use my power, my consciousness comes here. I am able to touch the Source and See whatever it is I’m searching for. Up until now, I didn’t know, not really. But I think I was learning, figuring it out subconsciously.”**_

_**“So you used your power on me? Why?”**_

_That question was like a stab to the heart. You swallow thickly and ask your own question. **“Bertolt, how cognizant are you of what happened?”**_

_He thinks about it, tries to remember. **“I, uh,... the last thing I remember was seeing you fall. How are you not dead?”**_

_You close your eyes and try to stifle the oncoming tears. **“Bertolt. I—you lost. Armin sacrificed himself so that Eren and I could work around it. He kicked me off the Wall so that you would be upset and focus on him. I went and helped take down Reiner. I… I came back in time to catch Armin’s body and Eren cut you out of your nape. That man—that fucking man came by and basically left you to us. Armin started showing signs of life, and they’re talking—they’re talking about giving him your power.”**_

_Terror bleeds from him. **“No, you guys don’t… do you?”**_

_**“A lot’s happened since you left.”**_

_**“You’re—you’re here to say goodbye, aren’t you?”** An escaped cry cut through the silence that had been starting to form as Ymir worked. **“Time doesn’t work here the same as it does out there, right?”**_

_She shakes her head in response and you look at him. The tears are there, same as yours. But you understand why he asked. You two have time to say goodbye, time to talk._

_**“Bertolt, I—”**_

_**“No, please. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but mostly, I’m sorry that I hurt you.”**_

_It catches you off guard. But if you have time and you are here to say goodbye, you’re going to get all the closure you need._

_So talk you do. About everything under the sun._

_About how he was sent here with the goal of capturing the Coordinate, the Founding Titan, so that his home, Marley, could eliminate the titan threat. About how the mission evolved to include you because of your power, but how that wasn’t why he fell in love with you. About how he had to break through the gate at Trost and how terrifying it was to be against you that first time. About how the mission changed again to include taking Eren. About how Reiner hypothesized that ~~Christa~~ Historia would know something about the Founding Titan, or at least could be used as leverage to find out. About how Annie was caught. About how Reiner fucked up and told Eren about them without talking to his teammates. About how he had to believe you were dead or he would have struggled to keep going. About how he thought you had that knife to kill him. About how he realized too late that either side of the war didn’t have the full picture or a legitimate reason to keep fighting since the end goal was the same._

_You two talk about your relationship. About how you two felt about each other, and when you realized you felt that way about each other. You reminisce with him about that night in the field, about how much you wanted to kiss him when he asked about taking you beyond the Walls, about how you felt accepted by him. You tell him when it started to really break. About how you realized you couldn’t trust him, how you were learning to trust your instincts, about how it broke your fucking heart to love someone you couldn’t trust. He tells you about how he knew it was fracturing, how he hoped that you were having an affair, how his first thoughts after the titans were found in Wall Rose were of you._

_Then you shift to everything that happened in the time you were separated. About officially being a part of Levi Squad, teaching Eren how to fight, about making it up to Mikasa by having your ass handed to you, about growing closer to Armin, Hange, and Jean over strategies, about cooking with Historia. About how you were all hunted by the Anti-Personnel Control Squad, headed by Levi’s uncle, a serial killer-turned-captain. About being shot, and being useless for two weeks. About being kidnapped by the aforementioned serial killer. About Rod Reiss being a cowardly shit and how Historia killed him before becoming queen. About how you learned about your family. That you’re technically the long lost descendant of Ymir via a royal bastard’s bastard. About being promoted to XO. About meeting your grandfather and attending the coronation ball. About learning of Erwin’s fate._

_When he asks, you tell him about Levi. About how nothing happened while you two were together. About the vision you saw with him. About how you feel safe and supported and like you can trust him. He tells you that he’s glad, in his own way. Glad that you have someone you can trust and who can take care of you, even if it’s not him._

_You tell him about your nightmares. All of them. He gives up the name of the blonde man and your blood turns cold. He warns you to keep an eye on Zeke because it’s clear he’s up to something._

_You tell him about how you’ll miss him. How you never regretted loving him. About how you will probably never stop loving him, in spite of all he’s done. About how you’ve forgiven him because, like him, you understand that there are greater forces at work, trying to keep everyone from the truth._

_He tells you that he always loved you, and so long as his spirit remains, his love will, too. He tells you that he wishes things could have turned out differently. About how loving you and being with you was something that he cherished greatly. About how he’s glad to have been able to share any of his life with you. He tells you that he shares your wish—that somewhere, sometime later, perhaps, you two could love each other unburdened by this hell. He tells you that he wrote a response, that it’s on the back of your letter in that same tin in his front right pocket._

_You ask him what memory you can bring to the forefront of his mind, what last thing he can think of that could make this easier._

_**“Take me back to that night when you told me you loved me. Back when we were in the Cadet Corps and we were laying on the roof of the barracks.”**_

_**“That was a pretty good night, wasn’t it?”** you say through the tears._

_**“Yeah, it was,”** he whispers. He’s trying not to cry, and you wonder if it’s because it will make you worse. **“You should get going. It’s not going to get any easier if you stay.”**_

_You nod, knowing it’s the truth and that you should go. You caress his face and give him a kiss. When you let go, his face is wet and you aren’t sure if it’s because of your tears or his, but you wipe them away nonetheless._

_**“I love you, Bertl.”**_

_**“I love you, too. Always.”**_

_You stumble a couple of times while you make your way to the Source. Once you get there, you find that memory, that night, and bring it forth._

* * *

#### 

Shiganshina

Breathing is hard. Unnecessarily hard. You press a kiss to his forehead before letting go and reaching into his right pocket. Sure enough, it’s there. You take it and put it in one of your pockets.

Everything hurts. So much. Uselessly. You cry harder as Eren pulls Bertolt away from you. Mikasa and Eren are still talking at Levi, trying to make him use the injection, but his eyes are on you. He’s about to hand over the serum to Eren when that red-headed recruit hauls a dying Erwin before you.

Fuck. Because this couldn’t get any harder?!

He calls to Levi and immediately you know Erwin is going to get the injection. 

“I-it’s the Commander—he’s hurt. It’s his s-stomach. His insides are shredded and the bleeding w-won’t stop!” 

There’s no way you can save him without the serum. It’s Erwin or Armin. _Fuck!_ But this new crisis helps focus you, calm your breathing, quiet your tears. You get up on shaky legs and make your way to them.


	36. Return to Shiganshina Pt. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _what is stronger_  
>  _than the human heart_  
>  _which shatters over and over_  
>  _and still lives_  
>  Rupi Kaur

Levi immediately brings his arm back to his chest, and you see the consideration. If he brings back Erwin, humanity will have the chance to continue fighting against the threat of Marley and Zeke. If he brings back Erwin, he can disprove Hange’s theory. But Armin has that same potential, the same raw intellect and cunning. Armin was able to save your asses all over the place today, much less any other given day. You felt it, these past two weeks. Erwin had accepted that this would be his end. Would… would it be fair of you guys to bring him back? To make him stay in this hell?

Levi stands up and helps you as you removed Erwin from the recruit’s back. You lay him down and start looking at the damage. _Shit_. You confirm what you already know: there’s no way you can do anything to help him, save them both.

Levi holds his hand in front of Erwin’s mouth and nose and confirms his life.

_watch out_

“Guys,” you warn, taking in Mikasa and Eren’s faces as the realization sets in. You rise to your feet, your hand guiding the handle of your trigger to the blades.

Levi stands, bringing the case back out. “You know what has to happen. Erwin gets the shot.”

You knew it was coming, but that doesn’t stop your heart from tightening. 

Eren jumps up and gets in Levi’s face. In an instant, your blade is drawn. “Stand down, Eren. If you have something to say, say it without using your fucking fists.”

“You can’t—you told me you’d use it on Armin,” he whispers. You feel Mikasa approach you from the side and you hear the metal of her blade screeching against the sheath. 

“Mikasa. Eren. Stand. Down. This is Levi’s—fuck—this is Levi’s choice. He was entrusted with this decision for a reason,” your words are firm, even if your eyes are not.

“I’m going to use it on the person who can save humanity.”

That-that doesn’t make the choice clear, because both of them are capable of that. Erwin has the confidence and experience, but Armin’s strategic thinking is just potent as Erwin’s.

Eren sees the conflict in your eyes. “You can’t tell me that Armin isn’t that person!”

“You’re right, I can’t. Even still, that choice isn’t ours to make,” you say, grip tightening around your handle. Mikasa has started to step towards Levi and the latter tenses. It’s clear to both you and Mikasa just how exhausted this man is, and you hate the thought that you’re going to have to defend him from her. You don’t have the strength to take on both Mikasa and Eren, and you don’t know where the redhead's at with all this.

“You two. Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” Levi spits. “It’s Erwin. The Commander of the Scouts and you’re telling me to watch him die?!”

That’s not it. You know that’s not what the crux of this is, but you also know better than to speak up right now. You know better than anyone the true weight of this choice. Levi orders Eren to get out of his way and but Eren grabs onto it. 

“Eren. Check your emotions.”

“Sorry, Captain. Can’t do that,” Eren says with a feral tone. “Tell me. Why didn’t you give Armin the injection right away?” 

You take a step closer to Eren and eye the recruit. He’s too busy watching Eren stand up to the Captain like this to notice. Levi supplies that he was considering the chance of Erwin’s survival, says he couldn’t see it coming. Both of their eyes flicker to you in that moment. 

“Regardless, Erwin’s here now. So I’ll revive him.”

_danger_

As Eren’s grip increases, you deliver a sidekick to Eren’s face, sending him flying to the edge of the roof. You feel it just a second after Levi, but he pushes you away to avoid Mikasa’s attack. She knocks him onto his back, sword drawn to his neck.

You push yourself back up and return to the two of them. Mikasa’s in a blind rage. You won’t be able to take her on without harming Levi in the process. Instead, you run and grab the case from his hand. She notices a second too late but keeps her blade on him. Of the two of you, he’s more dangerous.

You fire another flare and approach Erwin. You’re going to need help if this plays out the way you think it will. “Captain. Are you sure you want to do this to Erwin?” You’re torn between wanting him to say yes and say no. Maybe you’re just eager to absolve yourself of responsibility, of having to make _this_ choice. In all honesty, you can’t trust your choice here either which way. Regardless of who gets the serum, someone is going to eat Bertolt. And you’ll have to live with that knowledge. You selfishly want Erwin to survive, to prove you can change things, and you selfishly want Armin to survive because he’s your brother and you need him to see what’s beyond the Walls. Either way, you’re losing one of the three people you trust, one of the three people you consider your closest family.

Levi doesn’t answer you, instead keeps his attention on Mikasa. “You know as well as I do that without Erwin’s leadership, humanity can’t beat the titans.”

“He’s right, Mikasa. Don’t be crazy!” the recruit shouts. “There’s too much at stake here!”

“That-that’s not entirely true. Armin has that same capacity, that same relentless intellect. Armin could lead us just as well, and you know that,” you mutter. 

“It’s the same with Armin,” you hear Eren agree with you. “He’s just as important.”

Mikasa is distracted by Eren’s sudden consciousness, support. You take the opportunity to put the container in your pocket and tackle her off of Levi once her sword is removed from his neck. It slices you across your abdomen, but you can’t care right now. She flips the two of you so her position mirrors that which she just had with Levi. 

Eren, oblivious to this, continues. “Think about it—think about what he’s done! He helped take back Trost with the boulder. He helped figure out who Annie was! It was his idea to avoid titans by traveling at night! He’s why we were able to find Reiner in the Walls, and he’s the reason we were able to defeat Bertolt!”

Levi’s in the process of standing up, but Eren’s monologue is enough to give him pause. Eren calls for Mikasa and you to tell him, remind him. Her eyes flash to you with rage burning behind them. 

“If you knew, then why do this? Just give me the fucking injection!” 

Her blade presses up against your throat and you feel the pinch as it pierces the skin. “Mikasa, let go,” you breathe out, trying to avoid the cut from deepening. 

“No. You’re all just being selfish! Erwin’s our _leader_!”

“Shut up!” she barks. 

“No! Why should I? Do you think you’re the only ones who’ve suffered through all this? Not that you asked, but on the other side of that wall, there’s not a single soldier left alive. That field is soaked with the blood of my comrades.”

You listen as he details the slaughter, the hatred he felt for Erwin, the consideration of him as a “devil.” He charges her, no consideration for you or the fact that your life is in Mikasa’s hands.

“DON’T DO IT!” Levi shouts as the blade slips just a little deeper before being removed completely, ready to strike. Hange suddenly grabs her from behind, restraining her arms and Levi rushes over. You raise a hand to your throat and tap the pocket with the remaining bandages. Levi understands and cares for you. 

Fuck. You didn’t realize that when you’d get to the Scouts, all of your scars would come from humans.

Luckily, the cut on your throat didn’t hit the external jugular veins and managed to be, from what you could tell, mostly surface level. The one on your stomach was deeper but wasn’t enough to worry about being disemboweled. Levi wrapped you best he could, knowing that you’d need stitches once this was done and over with. 

You were able to better take in Hange, whose left eye was bandaged.

“Hange,” you mutter, all your strength has gone from trying to keeping Mikasa from killing you. “You—your eye?”

“Later.”

“Where did you put it?” Levi asks. You pull it out of your pocket and hand it to him. “That was a shitty move you pulled back there.”

“What, and miss the chance to save Humanity’s Strongest?”

His smile doesn’t reach his eyes, and both of your attentions flicker to the new arrival.

“Jean?”

Levi stands and approaches what you know to be Erwin’s body. Jean comes to your side, eyes wide and focused on the dilemma you all face. 

“No,” he whispers. “Don’t tell me—”

“It’s exactly what you think it is,” you say. You notice the hasty wrappings around his chest and shoulder. “Did you get hurt? I’m sorry.” His gaze leaves them and takes in you, your bandages. Before he could ask, you responded with, “Everyone decided it was time for a little mutiny. Where—where are Connie and Sasha?”

“They’re—”

There’s another soft thud, not too far from where Jean had landed. 

“No. This-this isn’t fair.”

You bring your hand up to your forehead, willing for your tear ducts to be empty, to not cry again. There’s the soft clink of the case opening and Mikasa’s gasp. 

It’s time.

Mikasa lets out a scream that’s a mix between a war cry and a desperate wail for help and it pierces your soul because you fucking feel it, too. You don’t even realize that you are also releasing a cry of deep suffering until Jean is picking you up and holding you, trying to comfort you. Hange is yelling in Mikasa’s ear, trying to calm her down, trying to reason with her. There is no reasoning that will make this better. You all are acutely aware of the situation you’re in, the choice that has to be made. It doesn’t make the pain any easier.

You manage to calm down in time for Levi to call for everyone to leave. He orders Jean to take you, but if this is the case, you need to do something, for both Erwin and Armin, because you still don’t know whether you can change the future or whether it’s fixed.

“Jean, no, wait. Take-take me to them.”

“What? But—”

“That’s an order,” you tell him. You never pull rank because you never asked for it. You never wanted this—any of this. You should have known, really, all those years ago when you fantasized about joining the Scouts. 

He marches you forward, and you feel Levi’s glare.

“I-I just need to do this for them, okay?”

Jean kneels, allowing for you to place your hand on Erwin’s face. You push—ignore Ymir and Bertolt in the Coordinate. If you don’t, you’ll never leave. You find it, and give him the answer he’s been searching for. You tap Jean’s shoulder when you’re done and he takes you to Armin. Again. You give him the sea. You give them both everything you have, everything you can until you’re certain there’s nothing really left. 

When you start crying again, Jean stands up again. Just as he’s about to take off, you call out to Levi.

“Do as your conscience dictates. Whatever choice you make, know that I understand.”

His eyes soften for a moment before he turns around. Jean takes you to the building where everyone is currently hiding. You cry into his chest and his arms wrap around you tightly. 

There’s the crash, the yellowing of the atmosphere and you let out a cry of anguish. You hear Bertolt scream and you—you can’t breathe. This pain is unimaginable. You beg for something to take you, remove you from this pain, from this miserable fucking existence. 

“It’s—it’s not… It’s Armin. He chose Armin,” Jean mutters in your ear. 

“Take-take me to Erwin, please! Please, before you go and make sure he’s okay,” you beg. He doesn’t move at first, not until the screams stop. It’s not too far a distance away, but he sets you down next to Erwin. He leaves, and you roll to your side, ignoring the pain. 

They’re talking around you, but you can’t really care. You’ve stopped listening, stopped processing everything that isn’t the touch of your fingertips or what little you can see through your tears. You caress your Commander’s face and place a gentle kiss on his forehead.

“We won, Erwin. We won, and we found the truth. You can rest, now.”

He stops breathing shortly after that.

You let yourself succumb to darkness.


	37. Levi Pt. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ Oh, I do believe _   
>  _ In all the things you see _   
>  _ What comes is better _   
>  _ Than what came before _   
> 
> 
> "[I Found A Reason](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHivF_5EFbM)" - Cat Power (Velvet Underground Cover) 

* * *

#### The Return to Shiganshina - Titan Territory Beyond Wall Rose - Levi

Levi doesn’t like that they are to be walking from Trost to Shiganshina, especially through the hillsides, but he understands its necessity. What he really doesn’t like is everyone’s nerves. The anxiety is palpable—it reminds him of the significant loss of their veteran forces. The upcoming battle is going to be brutal, and he is uncomfortable at the number of lives that are going to be lost. At least half, though hopefully he and his squad can minimize that number. He is certain they’d win, but he isn’t sure if he was comfortable with the cost.

A Scout behind him trips over uneven ground and he has to remind them to go slow, make sure they’re taking their time, and lighting the ground. He turns to Dirk to ask the distance, noting the lightening sky. As Dirk pulls out his map, you pipe up.

_“We’ll reach the city by sunup at this rate. It would be quicker on horseback, but to do that risks Bertolt and Reiner hearing us. It’s better we take it slow.”_

It’s easy for him to forget that you knew these hills, that you used to travel them with your mom. You lean in to speak with Erwin.

_“Are you ready for this, Erwin?”_

He doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like that you three know Erwin’s likely fate and can’t do anything about it just yet. 

“We don’t really have a choice, now, do we?”

“Tch. Typical Erwin answer,” he mutters to himself, but Dirk catches it.

“What’re they talking about?”

Levi gives him an unimpressed glare and ignores the question, continuing to listen to you.

_“Hm. I mean. I could always just whisk you away to that cellar if Eren would give us the key. Assuming there are any titans remaining in Shiganshina, they wouldn’t notice me and I would be able to kill them. Then you could stay there. Prove Hange wrong.”_

This… this is really important to you. Keeping Erwin alive. But you keep mentioning Hange’s theory and he’s not quite sure he likes why, why it’s so important to you. And your half-assed excuse for a plan is probably the best one the two of you have any more. You did a fantastic job killing those titans outside of Trost ~~maybe later he’ll admit that it turned him on~~. If you and Erwin were to go to the cellar, he wouldn’t have to worry about either of you. But he knows Erwin better than that.

Erwin laughs and Levi wonders if that’s going to be the last one he hears. “You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?”

You mutter something, but Harold speaks up before he could figure out what you said. “Hey, would you guys stop being so damn cryptic?”

The smile you flash in response is breathtaking. Maybe it’s the idea of the battle, the knowledge that today’s going to change everything, that’s causing him to appreciate you like that in the moment. You shush Dirk, and the most peculiar look crosses your face. He doesn’t know if he’s ever seen you look like this before, like you’re home. He recognizes it’s the childlike realization that you’re almost home that he’s witnessing. If this is what you want, he’ll give it to you. If you want to move back to Shiganshina, he’ll go with you.

He can’t hear what you’re whispering, but he can hear the excitement, the hope. He could get addicted to that sound in your voice.

No. He needs to focus. Little demon. Distracting him.

The first of the Scouts start making it through the forest and you tense up. 

_“Sir, they know.”_

“Fuck,” Erwin mutters. He never swears. “Alright then. Full speed ahead!”

Everyone mounts up, racing to Wall Maria to maintain the edge they currently have. Your head keeps turning and he understands what you’re doing, what that means. _Shit._

Erwin announces the start of the operation. You don’t trigger your gear just yet. He’s not entirely sure what it is you’ll be doing, but he trusts you. If you aren’t coming on top of the Wall with him just yet, he needs to say it now. 

“I order you to stay alive. Come back to me.”

_“Same goes for you!”_

Brat. 

Landing on the top of Wall Maria, he searches for Eren. He needs to patch up the Outer Gate before they’re all able to start. He’s just standing there, watching the dead city. Somewhere in here lies the answers that Erwin is looking for. Somewhere in here is where you grew up. They’re going to take it back.

He finds Eren, Mikasa, and Armin similarly staring at their destroyed homes. He wants to let them, give them time to mourn the lives they lost, but they need to go.

“Don’t stop! Get to that outer gate!” He’s relieved when he hears the footsteps following him. Up ahead—there you are, next to Erwin.

_stay safe_

They zip parallel to the Wall, needing to get there with haste. He isn’t sure how much time everyone has before the traitors appear, so it’s paramount this is finished as soon as possible. He arrives before Eren and waits ready atop the Wall with Hange.

“I know we’re overdue for some luck, but how have we not yet seen any titans?”

That doesn’t matter for the moment. 

Hange and her squad members fire off green flares, signaling they’re in place. He sees Eren heading towards the gate before propelling himself over the Wall and watches as he lifts his hand to his mouth and transforms. It’s all done in about a minute’s time and Mikasa dives down to fetch him. When they come back up, his cape is missing. He’s just about to order Mikasa to give hers up when she does it anyway. 

The Scouts below confirm the security of the hardening and they make for the Inner Gate. Eren and Mikasa are marveling at the ease of it, at his awareness and stamina. Levi has to remind them that they’re only halfway done. At least, with _this_ part of the mission.

❦

By the time they make it back to the Inner Gate, Armin’s been given charge of the search team to find Reiner and Bertolt. He fires an acoustic round and everyone reconvenes atop the Wall. From what he can see, a Scout put his hands on Armin and you stepped in before Armin continued. Erwin fires a red flare to halt the mission while the Scouts take to searching the Wall itself.

It’s interesting to see how you’re growing into your role. You’ve definitely taken on more of a medical role since then, and he sees the good it’s doing for you. You care deeply about most everyone you’ve met. You’re an amazing fighter, defender of the downtrodden, but you’re even better at being a healer. He worries about you, about how hardened you’re becoming. It’s a matter of circumstances, but when you heal, that light in your eyes shines brighter. You value the sanctity of human life, even when you were being attacked by the Anti-Personnel Control Squad, you refused to kill, instead only maiming. But now you’re stepping into the other half of the job—leadership. He knew you had it in you, but once it was placed on your shoulders, you shied away from it. You don’t like giving orders, but he thinks it’s more that you don’t want to carry the burden of their deaths on your shoulders. Well. Any more than you already do. But here, it seems natural.

They’ve perched on top of the Wall while the Scouts search. He heads over to where you are, which is almost directly above Armin on the Wall when he feels this sense of unease settle in his gut. One of the Scouts below fires an acoustic round before a sword punctures his body. Before he can even process it, he takes off down the Wall towards Reiner, sword ready in hand. Levi doesn’t even give him any time to do more than look up. His sword has made a clean cut through his neck—that should be enough, but just in case he releases the blade in his neck and stabs him with his other sword through the chest. Reiner’s… Reiner’s not dead? What the fuck are these guys made out of?! 

Levi lets go of Reiner and pulls himself back to the Wall. Shit! Now the bastard’s turning into his titan. Fuck, he failed! 

To make matters worse, he hears the sheer panic in your voice as you give your command:

_“EVERYBODY GET DOWN!”_

He speeds to the top, desperate to save you, save Erwin, save anyone he can when he feels the Wall shake from impact. What the hell? Making it to the top, he sees what caused the panic in your voice. The Beast Titan, with a formation of titans to trap you all in. His eyes find you, standing tall, scrutinizing your opponents. As he approaches, he hears your observations.

_“Erwin, Bertolt’s on the quadruped titan. I think he’s going to be thrown over the Wall. Also, the quadruped titan has intelligence.”_

You… figured that out incredibly fast. Shit. He has to push down the swelling emotions as he looks back and sees Reiner preparing to run. “The Armored Titan is about to climb.”

You turn to see the truth of it, but in that moment, all he can see is you. He’s afraid. Afraid that you’re not going to make it. Afraid of what will happen if you do. Afraid that he won’t come back to you. But he has to have faith in your ability as a soldier, as a leader. He’ll shower you in love and affection and all that gooey shit he’s avoided his whole life once you two return home. You make eye contact with him and agree on that: the two of you will make it home.

Then you say something really fucking stupid. 

_“Sir! We should try to move the horses. Let me go down there, slay as many of them as I can. They won’t recognize me—”_

“No.” For as intelligent as you are, you have to see the flaw in that. “It looks as though those titans are responding to the Beast Titan. If _he_ notices you, then we have to assume that he can still make them target you.”

Erwin gives his commands, sends Dirk and Marlene Squads to fight alongside Klaus Squad and Hange and Levi Squads to fight Reiner. He goes to join his team, relieved that he’ll be able to keep an eye on you when Erwin calls him back.

Erwin informs him that he will not be joining his squad, but instead will be protecting the fucking horses. He’s only slightly relieved when Erwin assigns him the Beast Titan.

Just as he’s about to go, you stop him.

_“One more thing, Levi. He’s the one I’ve been dreaming of. Come back to me.”_

The face flashes before his eyes: blonde shaggy hair, unkempt facial hair, glasses, dead fucking eyes, and that self-righteous smirk. If _he’s_ the Beast Titan, Levi needs to kill him. And from the look you’re giving him, you want him to. Shit. Both of you need him to die, need him to not be a threat. He’s going to fucking kill him and come back to you.

He lands on the roof of a house down below. He glances up to where you two are and sees as the Armored Titan surveys the land in front of him before shifting his attention to you two. It looks like Erwin is pulling you back prior to you lunging at the titan. His heart stops with anguish as he watches you fix yourself to Reiner’s shoulder, but then you start yelling at him. He strains his ears to hear you over the chaos down below.

_“—THAT ONE FUCKING BITCH WHO KEPT KICKING YOUR ASS AND WHO’S GONNA DO IT AGAIN!”_

You—

You just attached yourself to one of the greatest threats to humanity and started chastising him like a child, like a schoolyard bully. He’s not sure if he’s ever loved you more than here in this moment. You’ll be fine. 

He turns his attention back to the mess that is the rearguard dealing with two- to three-meter titans. Shit. When did the Scouts become so weak? They should have done an expedition in between the revolution and now, prepare the recruits so they could fucking fight. Just as he approaches the first titan, he hears you release a scream—entirely cataclysmic and grievous. 

After slaying the titan, he allows himself another look in your direction. You’re… you’re not in danger, not that he can tell. You must be using your power—sure enough, when you turn your head just a bit, your eyes are glowing. 

It’s second nature to him as he cuts down two more titans. He’s acutely aware of the position of every single body on the field, every movement, every intention. He senses scared recruits trying to relocate the horses and ushers them forth.

The momentary respite as he escorts them allows him a moment to reflect. It doesn’t happen often, your eyes glowing, but when it does it’s hard to look away. It’s hard to not recognize the raw emotion that cascades from every molecule that is you. It’s hard to not be in awe of you, the sublimity that is you. He still can’t believe that you chose _him_ of all people, that you would adorn his life with your presence, your love. But considering all of this while the battle rages on concerns him. He can’t let himself be distracted, not even by a lovely distraction such as yourself. The moment that he does is the moment that this is over. He has to keep fighting and you have this horrible effect on him that makes him want to stop fighting. No. He needs this war to be over, he needs to win this. 

Another titan down and he’s heading to two more down the way. Dirk and Marlene Squads are doing a decent job keeping them from attacking Klaus Squad, but this is still bad. He sees three recruits with horses, including the one whose nose you patched up the night before, and two titans running full tilt at them. Shit.

He cuts them down and reminds them to keep going, to find some kind of shelter. This is bad. He doesn’t like the way the titans all seem to be keeping to the edge of the town, save for a few strays. They’re playing right into the Beast Titan’s hands and he knows it, but there’s not a thing they can do at the moment. Shit. To make it worse, some of Dirk Squad are just waiting on rooftops instead of fighting.

“Finish killing the small ones already! Get it done before the Beast Titan moves! And no casualties! Don’t you dare get eaten.” 

They respond before taking off. It pisses him off that he has to remind them to keep fighting, especially when they’re all fighting for their own damn lives. He doesn’t want these kids to die. Isabel and Farlan had more combat and ODM experience than most of these kids and they still went down. Shit. He knows these kids are going to die horrific deaths and there’s not much he can do about it. He can’t save them all.

He glances back to the Wall and sees a lone figure standing there. Erwin.

He needs Erwin to make it through, to help him win the war. Levi’s strong, but he needs Erwin’s ruthless cunning, his capacity as a harbinger of change. Without him… shit. He doesn’t even want to think about what the state of humanity would be had Erwin not been leading them for the past five years. But more than that, Erwin was one of the only people Levi could trust completely, thoroughly. How he expects to survive with only one arm—shit. He already knows Erwin doesn’t expect to survive. And that’s not okay. 

He’s about to depart when he hears this titan scream—it’s not Eren’s, which means it must be Reiner’s. It’s bloodcurdling and vociferous. Shit! His mind instantly considers each of the Scouts over the Wall, fighting Reiner. Fuck! He should have been over there!

Something overhead catches his attention… A barrel? 

No! That’s Bertolt—Fuck! Do you grasp the danger you’re in?! 

He waits for the sound, the explosion of Bertolt’s transformation, but it doesn’t come. He’s transfixed, can’t do anything but wait, wait for the sound of them losing this battle.

Why can’t he move? Why isn’t he fighting? 

What seems to be several minutes pass before he hears the whistling and the catastrophic explosion. The sky turns a nasty bronze and even from where he’s standing, he can see Bertolt transforming in the sky. Even from here, he can feel the heat as it settles in the atmosphere. Things can only be picking up from here.

Dirk lands on the roof beside him to inform him that the straggling titans have been eliminated, leaving the rest of the titans just past the houses where ODM gear is essentially useless. His observation seems to be true—the Beast Titan seems content just crouching in his current location, and the titans on either side of him aren’t budging either. Levi’s about to take off with them when Dirk tells him he has it under control. He needs to trust them. Even if they aren’t as strong as they used to be, he needs to trust them.

It gives him a moment to wonder about the status of everyone within Shiganshina right now. The pause between Bertolt being thrown and the explosion should have been enough time for them to take cover, right? If it was possible to take cover at all… Or were you guys intent on fighting him, or talking to him? If you had any say, you would have tried talking to him, convincing him to stand down. Hopefully, you weren’t stupid enough to have followed him as he went to transform. He needs to know, he needs to help, to go—

A rock flies into his field of vision. Shit! Your vision! Hundreds of rocks are littering the sky around him. He braces himself for impact as they connect with various surfaces, objects. Luckily all that hit him are small pebbles, small chunks of fragmented projectiles, but when he looks up, he sees the devastation. His scouts all scream as dust clouds rise, red rising with them. The smell of copper hangs heavy in the atmosphere as he hears Erwin call for everyone to take cover. 

How—how many? How many lives were just lost? 

He springs forward, he needs to see, needs to save someone, anyone! Instinct tells him to duck, and he comprehends that if he hadn’t, he would have been hit by the second volley. Scouts unlucky enough to be caught in the line of fire scream out and thud to the ground. It’s raining blood, the air now tinted red.

He hears the horses whinnying and realizes he needs to return to Klaus Squad. They aren’t far enough back. He pushes them forward, urging them as the bombardment continues. Floch, one of the recruits, falls to his knees in a panic. He has to basically drag the kid to safety just as Erwin lands.

“How’s it looking?”

“Terrible,” Erwin answers, face grim. “The front line of houses is gone. He decimated them. If he keeps throwing those, everything will be leveled. We won’t have anything left to hide behind.” Shit. Maybe if they could get inside Shiganshina—? “The Colossal Titan is already headed this way, setting fire to everything in his path. Theoretically _we_ could scale the Wall to evade the stones, but the horses can’t.”

Erwin doesn’t need to finish his train of thought for Levi to understand. They’re losing, badly, but if they retreat inside the Walls, they have absolutely no chance of survival. But he needs to know.

“What happened to Hange’s group? Is Eren all right? Is—”

“I don’t know. Most of them are gone—caught up when the explosion occurred.” FUCK. No, no, no, no, no! Shit! “I do have an order from a certain XO for both you and I. She said, and I quote: ‘You and Levi make it back to me—that’s an order.’ I can only imagine that she’s fine and she knew she would be.”

Erwin allows Levi a chance to breathe a little easier before detailing the strategy he’s witnessed from the enemy. Detailing the reality of the Scout population, of the soldiers on this side of Wall Maria. Another assault comes as Levi processes his anger, his frustration, the loss. 

The Beast Titans attacks keep coming while Erwin considers what to do. It must be coming—this must be it, the decision you saw. Where Erwin gives up. There’s a loud crash from the other side, and Eren’s titan is suddenly laying on top of the Wall. He’s obviously unconscious, but that means some of you survived. Some of you are still fighting.

“Erwin. Tell me. If there’s no hope of us winning, then at least tell me and we can cut our losses now. Go shake the shit out of Eren and have him carry as many of us away from here as possible. At least we’ll have some survivors.” 

At least that way, Erwin can survive, live to fight another day. Live to find a solution to this fucking useless war. 

Marlowe, if that’s his name, is grabbing Floch, asking why, why the hell Floch allowed his horses to run away when that was his one job. Floch’s answer visibly shook the other recruits, but Levi ignores it in favor of insisting Erwin calls for a withdrawal, saving some of the humans here. Erwin challenges him, asking about Levi’s role in this plan. Levi knows better—he knows Erwin won’t go for it, knows that Levi’s too good a soldier if he says no. Which he does. 

Levi sees it, the resignation in Erwin’s eyes. When Erwin starts speaking, he knows this is what you saw.

“The plan could go a few ways. Best case, you’ll have a decent chance of killing the Beast Titan. But for it to succeed,... the recruits and I have to die.”

**No.**

“The Survey Corps may survive, but, regardless, most of us will end up dead. Frankly, we’re almost guaranteed to be defeated, no matter what. The recruits and I will be staking our deaths on the slimmest chance of victory.”

Levi follows as Erwin sits on a crate behind a house. 

“For this to work, to convince these youths to charge to their deaths—it would take an expert conman and a whole slew of blatant lies.”

No. That’s not true. You’ve taught him that the truth is better at motivating people than lies.

“No. It would work with a leader and the truth,” Levi answers. Erwin considers him with a sad smile before he continues with his plan.

“If I don’t lead the vanguard myself, then none of them will have the courage. Which means I will need to be the first to charge and the first to be slain as well. So I’ll never learn the truth—the full extent of it.” Erwin sighs, Olympic blue eyes stormy with devastation, hopelessness, and fear. “I-I just wanted to reach that cellar. Everything I’ve done up to this point I did in the hopes that this would come. I thought I would have the chance to prove that I was right. I used to think that death would’ve been easier, but then I would think of the questions I needed answered. They’re what I lived for. And now those answers are just on the other side of retreat.” A sob escapes him. Levi’s never seen him like this, so raw and vulnerable. “Can you see them, too? Our comrades? They’re standing all around us. They’ve been watching us all this time—they want to know what we did with their sacrifice, what became of the hearts they gave. But that’s probably just in my head, right? Of no more import than a child’s bad dream.” No. Levi sees them, too. They follow behind everywhere he goes, everything he does. 

Levi sees the need to do better because Erwin believes that he’s been acting selfishly. Throwing lives away in the pursuit of this dream, this truth. This… this is what’s been haunting him since Mike’s death. Since Nanaba and Gelgar. Erwin has been living this hell of leading good soldiers on what he perceives to be a self-indulgent dream. He needs to prove to himself that he, too, is capable of making this sacrifice, of doing this for more than just himself.

So Levi kneels. “You led us well. Fought hard. No one else could’ve gotten us this far.” It’s true. Erwin’s singular drive for the truth has kept pushing them forward, to finding obscure solutions to vile problems. “I’ll make the choice for you. Give up on your dream and charge to your death. Lead those crying children straight to hell. I’ll reach the Beast Titan and tear him apart.”

Erwin gasps in surprise, like he had anticipated more fight from Levi. Honestly? So did he. But seeing this proud man before him, petrified with fear, he knows. This is something that Erwin has already resigned himself to, that he needs to do. And there it is. Acceptance. Relief at having this burden removed from his shoulders, of being given orders.

❦

The calvary takes off towards the Beast Titan, screaming in hopes they can drown out their existential terror and Levi takes off with newly refilled gear. He misses the fact that Erwin left Guinevere behind.

❦

This is weird, the way the titans don’t respond. Their eyes follow him, but they make no move to attack. He hopes that this remains to be the case, though this will probably change once he reaches his destination.

Each slice, each cut, he pours his emotions. 

His frustration.

His disdain.

His fear.

His loss.

He needs to push them out, every one except vengeance. He lets it fuel him, consume him, push him forward. He can’t think about the soldiers who are dying out there so he can do this, so they can win. He can’t think about the fate of Hange or their men, or you and his team. He can’t think about the fact that Erwin’s probably already dead.

No.

He will avenge every last one of them. They will follow him until this is done. Their sacrifices will not be in vain. He carries the memories of them, their will, their anger. He will, even if he’s the last human standing. He will win because they did not die for nothing.

He doesn’t hear screaming anymore, but that hardly matters because he’s a titan away. He flies through the green smoke covered in titan blood. His hook lodges itself in the Beast Titan’s flesh and he goes in.

The titan yells in defiance, but it’s not enough to protect him from Levi’s rage. He extends an arm to grab him, but Levi’s faster. He tears into the flesh, slicing it until there’s nothing left of the arm. He then attaches to the nape, but he knows the titan will protect. He’ll use the momentum to go for the eyes in a single slice. He only has two more blades left—when he’s done with this he still plans on getting back to you. He can’t afford to be wasteful like he was with the Female Titan. 

Sure enough, the titan places a hand on his nape and turns his head to see Levi’s attack. It’s not enough—the eyes are already gone. He dives down, slices the Achilles tendon of the right leg and the anterior tendon of the left leg before moving out of the way as the titan falls. 

It’s gratifying, seeing this monster so bewildered, so helpless at the hands of Levi. He had heard the titan making smartass remarks like he was enjoying butchering the good men and women down below.

“What’s wrong? Not enjoying yourself so much anymore?” Levi dives, ready to kill, but he decides that fuck it, he’s going to enjoy this. He needs something to do, some way to handle the murder of over one hundred soldiers at the hands of this fucking bastard. “Come on, let’s have some fun!”

He changes direction and tears apart the other hand before ripping into the nape. He could make this easier, make this less gruesome, but he wants this to fucking hurt. 

Finally the blonde motherfucker comes out, steaming and miserable. He turns and Levi shoves his blade through his mouth. The force of it is enough to push him backward. This _is_ the motherfucker who’s been tormenting you in your dreams. 

“After transforming, if your body’s severely damaged, it’s too busy healing to let you resume titan form. Isn’t that right?” When he doesn’t answer—not like he could with this sword in his mouth—Levi persists. “Hey. I asked a question. It’s only polite to answer.” He wants this monster to suffer for everything he’s done. 

And as much as Levi wants to kill him right now, in this moment, he can’t. He… he has the power to save one of them, any of them, if any are still alive. They can consume him and take his power. Steal it from whomever it is that wants humanity dead. Erwin… Erwin could come back, could learn the truth. He could continue leading humanity to victory, end this senseless violence. He could—

A rumbling interrupts his thoughts and he dodges just in time for the quadruped titan to snatch the monster from his grasp. He goes to attack, to kill it, but it’s too fast and Levi was caught off guard. 

Fuck!

“Hey! Where are you going? Stop.” He needs to kill him.

Before he can continue the pursuit, the remaining titans start running at him. 

So be it. He’ll find him again. He’ll kill him.

❦

Levi makes it to the top of Wall Maria. He’s tired. Covered in titan blood. Nearly out of gas. His blades are dulled, but he could still use them, he just needs to find him, find the monster responsible.

And he’s in luck, because there’s the quadruped titan on one of the houses not too far down, confronting… Eren? And… is that you?! He doesn’t allow himself to bathe in the overwhelming relief that he feels. No. He pushes himself forward using the desperate need to protect you, the desperate need for vengeance.

The man’s head turns upward, sees Levi. Shit. Now’s the time. 

By the time he makes it to the rooftop where you guys are, the titan has already left, jumping from house to house. There are two more bodies with you, but he can’t focus on that. He notices as you take Bertolt from Eren so that Eren could give Levi his gear when he hears it—the raspy cough. 

_“ARMIN?!”_

Shit. That—that’s Armin? He… he has the means to save him, but—

Mikasa shows up as Eren starts screaming in excitement. He can’t even stand to look at you clutching Bertolt, even as you call his name. 

This fucking burden. This little black fucking box that Kenny left to him. Why _him_ of all people?! You were just as lucky to survive, so why did he get stuck with this decision? This weight… Erwin could still be alive, he could eat Bertolt since the Beast Titan got away. There’s… there’s still a chance they could end this war and be able to stop fighting. 

He feels like the weight of this is crushing him as he pulls out the box. 

No. He can’t know if Erwin is alive, and they don’t know how much longer Armin has to live. Plus, the longer they take to make this decision, the more time Bertolt has to heal. It needs to be decided, now. 

Eren goes to pull on Bertolt, pull him from your grip, and your pitiful wail catches Levi’s attention.

_“N-no! Not—just. Let me say goodbye if this is how things end.”_

You sound so defeated like you’ve already had to say goodbye thousands of times today. You need this, need to do this, but it doesn’t make it any easier, seeing you caress Bertolt’s face before placing your forehead to his, almost in reverence. It hurts, like a knife to the chest. But he can’t really fault you for needing this closure. 

Light emanates from you as you use your power, but it’s different this time. The light radiates from your hands, your forehead. Each part that is touching Bertolt. It’s… extraordinary. He can’t even focus on what Eren and Mikasa are saying because all he can see is the way you light up and the way you’re staying in that state for longer than before. It’s typically for only an instant or two, but this is something else.

Tears start streaming down your face before you come out of it. You place a kiss on Bertolt’s head and he swears he sees tears on Bertolt’s face, too. You put your hand in one of his pockets and pulls out a little metal box—the same one he saw you give Armin months ago. How… how did you know that was there?

No. That’s not his concern right now. He shifts his focus back on the soldiers and is about to just let Eren complete the injection when a rough voice calls him. He turns his head and—

It’s Floch. With Erwin strapped to his back. He knew it.

Is this even real? Were… were you wrong? Is it possible that you don’t see the future but possibilities? 

You make your way to Floch and Erwin, and he joins you. He helps lay the Commander down as you check his wounds and let out a sob. His hand hovers over Erwin’s mouth and nose and he feels the faintest brush of air.

“He’s alive.”

Before he can finish the thought, you’re on your feet with your hand ready to grab a blade. Shit. Are you going to attack him, or them? 

_“Guys,”_ you say, your tone thick with tears but the warning is clear as ever. _I don’t want to have to fight you but I’ll defend Levi if you attack._ Guilt surges through him at the momentary consideration that you wouldn’t have been on his side.

“You know what has to happen. Erwin gets the shot.”

Eren stands and gets in Levi’s face. He’ll knock this shit out if he has to. He has a job to do. 

But your blade is drawn and you’re ready to do it for him. _“Stand down, Eren. If you have something to say, say it without using your fucking fists.”_

He knows that Eren doesn’t care about authority—never has. But both Mikasa and Floch flinch at your command. You take up a position next to Eren, though your blade is in a defensive position. You expect Mikasa to attack you. You—you wouldn’t win that fight.

“You can’t—you told me you’d use it on Armin,” Eren whispers, demanding Levi’s attention. Mikasa shifts, still behind him, but closer to you. Your grip tightens around your handle as he feels your fear, your resolve.

 _“Mikasa. Eren. Stand. Down,”_ you grit out. You’re trying to hide your exhaustion. _“This is Levi’s—fuck—this is Levi’s choice. He was entrusted with this decision for a reason.”_

Just having your support, despite the gravity of the situation, despite the personal cost to you, makes it easier for him to stand. 

“I’m going to use it on the person who can save humanity.”

“You can’t tell me that Armin isn’t that person!”

_“You’re right, I can’t. Even still, that choice isn’t ours to make.”_

Wait. You—? You think that Armin could help finish the war? No. He can’t let himself be distracted. This needs to happen before it’s too late.

“You two. Do you have any idea what you’re doing? It’s Erwin. The Commander of the Scouts and you’re telling me to watch him die? Get out of my way, Eren.” Eren doesn’t move. “Eren. Check your emotions.”

“Sorry, Captain. Can’t do that.” Eren’s eyes, his tone, they’re both feral. He knew all those months ago that this kid wasn’t a monster, but that he _could_ be. That he walks that line between humanity and monstrosity. Levi’s been tough on him, but he’s tried, he’s fucking tried to push him towards humanity. But this? This is… this is frightening. “Tell me. Why didn’t you give Armin the injection right away?”

You step closer before Levi answers, tells him that he thought of Erwin, the man he believes capable of finishing this. “Regardless, Erwin’s here now. So I’ll revive him.”

It happens almost in slow motion—as Eren’s grip tightens on the box, your foot connects with Eren’s face. He never thought you would do something like that, but before he could consider it further, his instincts tell him to push you out of the way. Sure enough, Mikasa has him pinned by her sword. He hears as you get back to your feet and return to them, and before either of them can react, you take the case from him. Mikasa keeps her blade drawn on Levi, understanding that if she goes after you, he’ll send her flying. 

He hears as you fire off a flare. Good. That means that others are alive.

_“Captain. Are you sure you want to do this to Erwin?”_

He doesn’t like your tone or the way you called him Captain. You’re mad at him, at this situation. But you’re still willing to trust him, still willing to do what’s needed. But the way you phrased your question is unsettling. Do this to Erwin? He could save him! Bring him back, let him fulfill his dream! He’s not ready to answer that just yet, so he keeps his attention to Mikasa.

“You know as well as I do that without Erwin’s leadership, humanity can’t beat the titans.”

“He’s right, Mikasa. Don’t be crazy! There’s too much at stake here!” 

He doesn’t want to hear Floch speak now—especially not after having heard him spew cowardice everywhere earlier—but your words catch him off guard.

_“That-that’s not entirely true. Armin has the same capacity, that same relentless intellect. Armin could lead us just as well, and you know that.”_

You’re not speaking to Floch, you’re speaking to Levi.

“It’s the same with Armin. He’s just as important,” Eren slurs.

Mikasa looks up at Eren and you tackle Mikasa off him. What the fuck are you doing?!

He hears a whimper of pain leave you as the two of you struggle. She manages to get you on your back, your grip loosening from your sword. She holds you in a similar position that she held Levi in, but he sees it. The blood bleeding through the white fabric of your blouse. Her blade is on your throat and there’s just a little bit of blood that pools where the blade meets your skin. 

He’s struggling to stand up, exhaustion hitting him hard. Eren details ways in which Armin has been crucial to strategic planning since Trost—the boulder, figuring out Annie’s identity before she entered the forest, traveling at night, finding Reiner, and defeating Bertolt. He doesn’t know about the last one, but he knows the truth behind Eren’s cries.

His eyes flash back to you as Eren demands confirmation from both you and Mikasa and Mikasa presses her blade harder on your throat. 

He needs another person here because the second he tries to get Mikasa off you, you’re most likely going to receive a fatal wound, and Eren’s most likely to attack. 

“If you knew, then why do this? Just give me the fucking injection!” 

Mikasa doesn’t know where you put it… Shit. He doesn’t even know. 

_“Mikasa, let go.”_ Your voice is small, pleading almost.

Floch interjects again, accusing you all of being selfish while detailing the battle beyond Shiganshina. Levi notices just a second too late that Floch’s about to charge.

“DON’T DO IT!” He tries to push Floch out of the way, but his eyes widen as the blade slices just a little more and there’s a visible pool of blood trailing down your neck. Hange appears out of nowhere— _oh thank fuck_ —and he rushes to your side. He knows you have basic medical equipment on you, but when he finds the gauze, it’s almost out. What the fuck happened? He manages to wrap your throat before taking a look at the cut on your abdomen. It’s… it’s not pretty. You’re going to need stitches. Stupid girl.

Your attention turns to Hange, and for the first time, his does, too. They’re missing their eye. Fuck. _“Hange. You-your eye?”_

“Later,” is all they say in response, eyes softening as they glance your way.

They need to move on with this. Especially since Hange’s here and he’ll be able to keep the two mutineers from attacking again. 

“Where did you put it?” You take it from your pocket and hand it to him, face grim. “That was a shitty move you pulled back there.” 

You give him as much of a cheeky smile as you can muster. _“What, and miss the chance to save Humanity’s Strongest?”_

He never liked that nickname because what good is it to be Humanity’s Strongest if he can’t even save any of the soldiers from earlier? Or Erwin? Or you?

Jean comes to the rooftop, bandage wrapping around his chest and shoulder. He’s going to need someone to tell him what the hell happened over here.

“No. Don’t tell me—”

_“It’s exactly what you think it is. Did you get hurt? I’m sorry. Everyone decided it was time for a little mutiny. Where—where are Connie and Sasha?”_

He’s about to answer you when Connie arrives with Sasha on his back. She doesn’t look good. But his team is here, alive. Almost.

Standing over Erwin, he pulls out the syringe from the box. Mikasa screams like she’s torn between wanting to kill him and wanting to cry. A moment later, you release one of your own. This one… this one is unlike any he’s heard from you, and he hates himself a little as he watches Jean pick you up and hold you to him. 

No. They need this to be done. They need this to be finished. He orders everyone to leave, to not risk getting eaten, but you’re being stubborn. 

_“Jean, no, wait. Take—take me to them.”_

“What? But—” Jean makes eye contact with Levi, almost like he’s afraid. 

_“That’s an order.”_ Jean walks you to them and crouches down next to Erwin. _“I-I just need to do this for them, okay?”_

You touch Erwin’s cheek before tapping Jean’s shoulder. He then takes you to Armin and you repeat the process. When Jean turns around, tears are staining your cheeks. He hears you call out to him before Jean and you take off. 

_“Do what your conscience dictates. Whatever choice you make, know that I understand.”_

Those… those are his words. Those are Erwin’s words. Why—?

He drags Bertolt to the edge of the roof. He needs him to be ready, the only target. 

As he returns to Erwin, he remembers listening to you and Armin talk about the stars. He remembers listening to Armin talking about the sea just two nights back. He remembers Erwin—asking him about his dream, what he would do if he accomplished it. He remembers how defeated Erwin looked, how ready to die he was. 

They’re all the same, pushing forward because of some goddamn dream instead of focusing on the task at hand. But is he any better? 

He thinks back to Kenny—

_“All of us have to spend our lives drunk on something, else we’d have no cause to keep pushin’ on. What’s your poison, runt?”_

This—it's come down to the sea or the truth.

Just as he’s about to inject Erwin with the serum, just as he’s about to sentence Armin to death, Erwin’s hand shoots up, smacking away Levi’s.

His eyes open, just barely, and a raspy whisper leaves his mouth. “Excuse me—but how… can we be sure… that there aren’t other… humans—living somewhere far away from the Walls?” 

It stops him. It stops Levi’s heart, his mind. He remembers dismissing Erwin’s dreams earlier, ordering him to lead the recruits to their deaths, to his death. He’s… he’s been stuck in this hell for years. Being selfish, fighting not because it’s for the future of humanity like he had once told Levi, but because he needed to know the answer to that one question. He was haunted by the sacrifices of the soldiers who had died in his pursuit of this question. It would be hell to bring him back into it. He… Erwin deserves to rest.

Levi forsakes his quest to bring Erwin back. He instead walks over to Armin and injects Armin with the serum. Grabbing Erwin’s body, he carries him to where the rest of you are hiding. He finds Hange and Floch on the same building and joins them. Considering Floch’s earlier words, his earlier description of Erwin as a devil, he speaks.

“Do you think you can forgive him someday? He became a devil ‘cause he had to. We were the ones who put him up to it. And in the end, when he had finally been set free from this hell, we were about to bring him back for more. But I think—I think it’s time we let him rest.”

There’s the faint whirring to indicate someone arriving, and sure enough, Jean brings you back. He lays you next to Erwin before leaving again. You roll onto your side, ignoring your pain, and kiss Erwin’s forehead. 

_“We won, Erwin. We won, and we found the truth. You can rest, now.”_

You—you understood him as a person, understood Erwin’s need to do this, to sacrifice himself. You were probably the only person here who understood that more than anything, Erwin needed peace.

Just after Erwin stopped breathing, you stopped moving.

❦

After they were able to grab Armin from his titan husk, Hange ordered everyone to move on top of Wall Maria to be treated for injuries. He carried Erwin’s body to the carts while Jean, Connie, and Eren transported you, Sasha, and Armin. They had laid out mats for the three of you before Hange and Levi started working. Jean was first, having been impaled by a small piece of wood during Reiner’s last attack.

Jean explained most of what happened—while Reiner engaged Eren’s titan, Levi and Hange Squads were equipped with the thunder spears. Once Eren gave them a good opening, allowing for you and Mikasa to take out his eyes before the rest of them attacked his nape. Reiner somehow managed to call for help, which is when Bertolt was thrown over the Wall. 

Armin and you tried to negotiate with Bertolt, argue for some kind of peace before it was known that wouldn’t happen. You then used your ability on him to distract him, buy time for Hange Squad to get back to Reiner. Mikasa attacked and you grabbed Armin before returning to Eren. Shortly after, Bertolt transformed, killing all of Hange Squad. You took up a leadership position, directing them to the water so they’d be safe from the fire. You then told them about your vision to the beach, how you gave them your hope and kept none for yourself. You were to lead a team to find and kill Reiner if he wasn’t already dead, but Bertolt kicked Eren and the tactic changed to trying to kill Bertolt. Bertolt started releasing too much steam and they were unable to fight, so you and Armin made your way to Eren to stop Bertolt. 

Jean and the rest came up with a plan that failed, but you arrived in time to help, having trusted Armin to kill Bertolt. During the execution of the new plan, you had taken out both of Reiner’s eyes, nearly knocked yourself unconscious, and still managed to patch up Sasha with the help of Connie. Hange showed up just in time to help fire the last spear to dislocate his jaw so Mikasa could strike. Reiner was ripped out of the body before they caught him. They had managed to sever his limbs and blindfold him. Upon searching him, they found a little metal container with a letter for Historia. Hange wanted to kill Reiner, but Jean remembered the serum and called for Reiner to be eaten. Just after Mikasa responded with her own flare, the quadruped titan and the man had arrived and snatched Reiner.

Levi was in awe of his team. They managed to take down two Intelligent Titans while being injured whereas he had failed to take down the one he was assigned to. 

They next worked on Sasha. He was impressed with the bandaging considering you were working while injured and Connie had never really taken on medical work prior to this. They were able to remove the shingle before suturing her and reapplying a new bandage. Hange gave her some painkillers considering Sasha’s injury was one of the worse ones. Armin was slowly healing, regaining muscle that had been burned off. With his titan powers, there wasn’t much they needed to do. Which left you. You were filthy—covered in ash and dirt. They managed to clean you off before undoing Levi’s hasty bandages. The cut on your throat wasn’t too bad, they’d just rebandage it, but they needed to stitch your abdomen. Hange wanted to give you painkillers like they did Sasha, but he was worried with how shallow your breathing was. 

All the same, he left you three to finish healing while the rest of everyone helped gather bodies. They needed you to be awake before they would take off. _He_ needed you awake before they would search for the cellar.

After about a half-hour, he heard Eren shout out. Levi pulled himself up the Wall to see Eren holding Armin while you and Sasha still slept.

“‘Bout time.” At least one of you was awake. 

“Captain! Are you okay? What happened? I saw Bertolt transform, but after that everything gets a little blurry. Wait! Did we fight them off? Is everyone okay?”

Levi connects the gun to the green flare before firing.

“Sounds like your recent memory was just about wiped out. Eren. Tell him everything.” 

He walks down the length of the wall while Eren speaks. He can’t see any titans between Maria and Rose, which is good. They’ll still be waiting until nightfall, but at least this way they won’t have to worry much about collecting the bodies. 

When he returns, Eren’s finishing up and Armin looks like he’s going to be sick. His eyes flicker to you, and he’s happy to see some color’s returned to your cheeks.

“Okay. Are you up to speed now?”

“Yeah. We won.” Connie started fussing over Sasha while Jean checked your temperature with his hand. “But of the Scout regiment, there are only ten soldiers left alive. All of us.”

“That’s what it looks like. The fighting ended four hours ago. We’ve been searching for survivors, but no luck.”

A small groan leaves your lips and Levi steps over to kneel by your side. Sasha’s starting to stir, too, and Connie gives her water. 

“So, to be clear, we resealed Shiganshina’s gate, securing Wall Maria, Reiner and the Beast Titan escaped, you captured Bertolt and then, with both the commander and me wounded, you had to choose which of us to give the injection to. And you did. I transformed into a titan and killed Bertolt. I ate him.”

Armin starts to retch and you rouse.

_“—min, n't go.”_

Jean stands up and gives Armin water, but all Levi can focus on right now is you. He pets your face before speaking. “Come on. You ordered me to come back to you and I did. Now you come back to me.”

_“—kass.”_

“I didn’t quite hear that,” he whispers, knowing exactly what you called him.

You cough before trying again. _“Jackass.”_ You start to open your eyes and he blocks the sun out for you.

“Why though? Why’d you pick me?” Armin whispers, which yanks you back to consciousness.

_“Armin? You’re here?”_


	38. The Heroes of Shiganshina Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _you do not have to_   
>  _unravel gracefully._
> 
> Alison Malee, "note:"

* * *

#### Wall Maria

You’re coming out of the abyss, voices pulling you from it. Dammit. You just wanted rest. Uninterrupted, dreamless rest.

“So, to be clear, we resealed Shiganshina’s gate, securing Wall Maria, Reiner and the Beast Titan escaped, you captured Bertolt and then, with both the commander and me wounded, you had to choose which of us to give the injection to. And you did. I transformed into a titan and killed Bertolt. I ate him.”

 _No._ No. That can’t be—

The last thing you really remember is Armin kicking you off the Wall so that you could escape Bertolt?

You try to tell him not to go, not to die, but the words catch in your throat.

Your throat. Why is it so tight? Why is there a pressure on it?

You feel a cool hand caress your face, pet your hair away, and a voice. No. Your favorite voice.

“Come on. You ordered me to come back to you and I did. Now you come back to me.”

Yeah. You did. The jackass.

“I didn’t quite hear that.”

A cough leaves you and it feels like you’ve opened something that was previously shut tight. “Jackass.”

It’s bright, but you need to know, need to see. Levi repositions himself so he’s blocking the sun for you. Seeing him brings everything back in focus, all the fighting, the aggression, the choice… Armin.

“Why though? Why’d you pick me?”

“Armin? You’re here?” your voice sounds disembodied, hoarse and too calm. 

“Wh-what happened to you?” 

“Tch. Hey. I told you to tell him everything.” Levi goes to stand, but you grab his hand. You need him close. You turn your head to take in Mikasa and Eren who at least have the grace to look ashamed. Your eyes settle on Armin, on how healthy and whole his body looks, even if it’s lacking from his eyes. “There was a short debate. Your friends here argued that you were the one we needed to revive. And when I disagreed, they staged a little mutiny. Mikasa attacked her when she tried to get her to stand down.”

Eren bows his head as Armin looks at the two of them. “It’s true. Punish us as you will.”

Hange speaks up and you find relief at hearing their voice. “You’ll certainly be disciplined for your insubordination, but getting punished isn’t the same as making amends.”

“I know,” Eren breathes. 

Levi turns to look at Armin. “Thing is, I was the one who chose to revive you in the end, or no. It’s more like I chose this to be the place where Erwin died.” You rub small circles into his hand and his grip tightens.

Mikasa makes eye contact with you and you can see the sorrow in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re already forgiven,” you mutter. 

Armin, after having a moment to think things over, speaks again. “I-I just don’t understand. How was letting me live the right thing to do? How are the Scouts going to continue without him?”

“You’re right, Armin. I believe it should’ve been used on Erwin, too. To be brutally honest—nevermind. It’s a shame we had to choose in the first place. It’s over now. Erwin told Levi to use the syringe as he thought best. And Levi chose to use it on you. What’s done is done. Erwin’s life and the power of a titan rest on your shoulders now.”

“I-I wouldn’t quite say that Hange,” you speak up. You try to sit up, and when Levi tries to urge you back down, you snap at him. “Let me up, dammit! Listen, Hange. I knew about this. I knew Erwin would resign himself to die today, and I knew that from this point forward, he doesn’t appear in anything from the future. And I didn’t do a thing to stop it. If his death is on anyone, it’s on me.”

“Then why didn’t you tell anyone? Why—?”

“She was commanded not to,” Levi speaks up.

“You—you knew, too?” Hange sounds like they’re in disbelief, betrayed.

“That was also my fault. I begged him not to tell anyone and he chose to listen.”

“Even if that’s true, then I doubt that anything could have changed this outcome. Regardless, the sacrifice was made so that Armin could live.”

“Wait—so does that mean… I need to become Erwin’s replacement? There’s no way!”

“Hey. Don’t misunderstand. You could never replace Erwin. But your self-doubt aside, you have a strength within you that no one else can claim. Don’t let any of us regret this. Don’t regret it yourself. Consider _that_ your new mission,” Levi said, walking away from you and towards the edge of the Wall.

Sasha starts groaning before uttering, “Shut the hell up.”

Everyone gasps in surprise at her semi-conscious state and you laugh. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

Hange joins in. “Yep. That’s our Sasha.” They turn to Armin before speaking again. “Y’know. Since Erwin chose me to be the new commander, I’m more or less in the same boat as you. We’ll just have to grin and bear it while doing what we can.” 

Hange stands and orders Eren, Mikasa, and Levi to accompany them to the cellar. They take off and you stand up. It’s tender, your stomach. You feel your abdomen and are upset at the fact that they ripped your blouse to be able to work. It’s probably for the best—it had to of been covered in soot and dirt. Feeling the stitches, you wonder if it were Levi or Hange who sutured you. 

You check Sasha and find that she’s been completely taken care of, too. Good. 

Armin speaks up as you walk around, stretching your legs.

“I’m sorry—”

“No. Don’t be. There isn’t a single thing for you to be sorry for. I have absolute faith in you and your abilities.”

“But… you were hurt because of me.”

“Emotions were high. Shit. I had just finished saying goodbye to Bertolt before you coughed. I was a right mess, and I wasn’t one of the people who knew you since early childhood. I _am_ upset that Floch tried to attack Mikasa when her blade was already cutting into my throat, but I’ll get over it.”

He doesn’t say anything more, but you can tell he’s still dissatisfied.

“Look. I already went into today knowing that I’d be losing two people I loved permanently. I’m just glad that I got to keep you.”

“But Hange’s theory… you couldn’t change anything.”

“Yeah. I know.” The truth weighs heavy on your soul. You can’t change anything. You’re just a passive observer, cursed to live through these things twice. You honestly just want to give up because what’s the fucking point.

You kneel and wrap him in a tight hug. “I’m just happy that you’re here, okay? So I’m just going to hold onto that feeling for a little bit, if you don’t mind.”

His arms are tentative as they wrap around you, but his grip is firm.

A gentle breeze wafts past you, bringing the small smell of Armin into your nose. It’s him. It’s mandarins and jasmine. And… sandalwood?  
Bertolt?

❦

They return as dusk approaches with three books in hand. Everyone looks nauseated, ill. Levi’s eyes find you and he rushes forward before pulling you to him.

“Wh—what happened?”

“Later. I—”

“Verite. I need you to take me to your house, granted it’s still standing,” Hange orders.

Your house? Why?

“Yes, sir. It should be fine. We had passed it earlier, near the river, and it was still standing.”

“The rest of you—I need you guys to start packing up. We’re heading out an hour after sundown.”

There are varying confirmations heard and Levi takes you by the hand. “You shouldn’t be using your gear in your condition, so I’ll be taking you. Hange will follow.”

“Okay, but why?”

“We’ll explain when we land.” 

He picks you up bridal style and you tuck your head into his chest as he descends into the city again. 

You’re haunted by the memories of living here. The people who are now long gone, children running through the street. Merchants trying to sell their wares. Fishermen bragging about their catches of the day. It stings your heart, the hollow laughter and chatter that is no more. When you turn the corner and see your house—still there, still okay—you sob.

They’ve told you of the revelations in Grisha’s journals. They confirm everything Bertolt told you in the Coordinate, except that Marley wants to bring war to your shores for the resources this land has to offer. But there’s mention of your father, your mother. 

Your father had been the Garrison Captain who released Grisha with Shadis and Hannes. He recognized him as someone who knew the truth, like he did, and told him everything he needed to know. All the answers that Shadis didn’t provide. Your father had worked with Grisha to identify the true royals, the holder of the Founding titan. He confirmed almost all theories, save for those that were incorrect, such as stories about Ymir. 

So they asked if you could help find any materials he may have had to support this, as the literature found in the Verite estate didn’t mention anything of Marley.

When you enter, everything is a mess, like someone had rifled through everything. Shit.

You remember having a loose floorboard in your room, and told them to search the floors. You found your old secret stash, notes and diagrams about what outside must look like, poems and pressings of any flora you wanted to preserve, but nothing of use to you. Not now.

“Here. I think I found something,” Hange says. 

You go to them and sure enough, they’re holding a worn journal that you had seen your father keep with him. Rifling through it, there were drawings of maps, detailed anatomical notes of titans, the traced lineages of the seven immune families and the royal family. There were even brief mentions of what you believe to be the Coordinate, but you aren’t sure. 

“I think this is all we’re going to find,” you tell them through a yawn.

“I think you’re right. In any event, this place is still standing should we need to return,” Hange says before leaving your old house.

Levi guides you back outside and presses a quick kiss to your forehead. You hum in response and let him take you back to the convoy. What’s left of it, anyway.

You and Levi are both surprised to see Guinevere standing there, waiting. “Do you think—?”

Levi glances around before saying, “I don’t see your horse anywhere. I think he left her for you.”

Fuck, you miss that man.

❦

You arrive back in Trost by sunrise. There’s an obnoxious amount of cheering, despite there only being ten of the Scouts left. The thought makes you nauseated. Everyone follows you all while you travel to the HQ, just looking for rest.

Inside, Hange meets with Pixis, Dok, and Zackly, who’ve all been waiting. Levi’s set to meet with them, too, but he wants you to rest. You can’t. Not without someone there, so you opt to accompany Armin as Eren and Mikasa are escorted to the cells below. Once they’re secured, Levi gives you a disproving look before leaving. Armin sets himself up just outside of Eren’s cell—apparently after having been exposed to Grisha’s journals, bits of his father’s memories keep coming up. Armin wants to catalog them and correlate them to the accounts in the journals. 

You sit yourself on the floor next to Armin’s chair and lean back. Every now and then he places a gentle hand on your head and you’re able to go to sleep.

❦

You wake in a sterile room you haven’t seen since you started with the Scouts. Why are you in the med bay?

You feel incredibly weak and you struggle to sit up. You hear a gentle rustle before hands support you. Turning your head, you see a very tired Levi sitting next to your cot. His eyes… was he crying?

“What—?”

“You’re awake. I was worried. You’ve been out for the last two days. I found you in the dungeons asleep next to Armin. I took you to my quarters so you could rest. I came back and there was blood all over the bed. I—I thought you were dying.”

You don’t say anything, because none of this makes sense, but you feel his distress. You bring a tired arm up so you can caress his face. 

“It was probably just stress from my wounds. I’ll be fine,” you try to reassure, but there’s something there, something he’s not telling you. Whatever it is, you’re certain he’ll tell you when he’s ready. In all honesty, you were so emotionally exhausted, so drained that you felt void. 

There was a massive hole inside you that was created back in Shiganshina and it stripped you of near everything. It… hurt. To breathe. For your heart to beat. To exist. It ached. And you should feel something, anything, but you just… don’t. You feel like a broken shell of who you used to be.

You don’t even feel the existential urge to survive—you eat because it makes that look in Levi’s eyes go away. Everything is just exhausting and you just want some rest.

* * *

#### Four Days After Shiganshina - Garrison HQ Medical Facilities

The doctors on staff won’t tell you anything, and when you try to see your chart, they remove it from the room completely. If you cared at all beyond tepid curiosity, you’d be upset. As it is, it’s a mild annoyance. Levi’s been in and out between meetings. He sends Jean and Connie to visit, which isn’t that bad since Sasha’s here, too. She’s feeling a lot better, and is probably a day away from being completely released. Unlike you, who’s stuck in this sterile hell till fuck knows when.

They talk to you about how everyone is receiving them—now that Wall Maria’s been taken back, the Survey Corps are heroes. Jean believes that they’ll receive another wave of recruits. It’s annoying to all of you that you’re now veterans despite having joined less than six months ago. But you guys don’t talk about that. You avoid topics about those who aren’t here anymore. It’s easier for everyone. The thing is, it’s hard to avoid, hard not to talk about it, to reminisce. 

After being forced to eat lunch, you decide you’ve had enough. You’re tired of being stuck in this bed. You want to see someone, do something because otherwise, you might just kill someone. 

You slip into Levi’s quarters where your clothes most likely are and change. As you go to leave, the door opens. You find a surprised Levi staring at you with moderate exasperation.

“You should be in the med bay.”

Yeah. Well. So should about a hundred other people, but they’re not. 

You don’t answer and he makes no move to make you return. He approaches you like you might break, like he’s afraid to reach out. You let him wrap his arms around you and hold you to him.

You should feel something, some kind of comfort, some desire to comfort, but you don’t. Even still, you return his embrace. He needs this. He’s still your partner, even if you’re a shitty excuse for one.

“I’ll talk to them about releasing you. Would you still want to come here?” he asks, releasing you from his hold.

His request is anxious, almost. Apprehensive. 

“Do you still want me to come here?” He doesn’t answer you, and you see the distress, the lack of confidence behind his eyes. “Yes, Levi. I’ll come here.”

You give him a kiss on his cheek before leaving to go down to the prison.

When you get down there, you see Mikasa looking… well, looking like you feel. Armin’s in the chair next to Eren’s cell, despite the latter being asleep. He looks up and concern is clear on your features.

“Are you okay? I heard you were bleeding. Levi pretty much kept your status secret.” He stands and approaches you, eyes looking over your form.

“Oh. I’m fine, I guess. I’m sure it’s nothing. Probably one of my injuries acting up.” Mikasa’s eyes drift up towards you, regret in her features. 

“I’m sorry,” she rasps.

“Don’t. I don’t blame you, Mikasa. Don’t blame yourself,” you mumble as you go to sit against the bars of her cell. You reach your arm back behind, hand offered. You hear her shuffle forward and the bars shake a little as she mirrors your pose and takes your hand. “It was hard. All of it. And it’s not getting any easier. But don’t think for a second that I hate you for that, okay?”

She doesn’t respond, though you didn’t expect her to. You wonder briefly whether it’s a quality of the Ackerman’s to be unusually cryptic with their emotions, whether Kenny was an anomaly. 

“So what’ve you learned?” you ask, eyes meeting Armin’s. He retrieves the chair and brings it closer to you two.

“Not much, really. Eren’s able to confirm some things, like memories that his dad had in Marley, but they don’t really make sense just yet. Sometimes he wakes up not knowing who he is or where he is. It’d be easier if… nevermind,” he trails. You know he was about to suggest using your power, and probably hesitated only because he thought you were too weak to do so.

In all honesty, you didn’t really want to use your power anymore. If you can’t change anything, then why bother seeing it in the first place? Why bother forcing yourself to go through that shit twice? Why bother seeing the past when what you thought were anomalies in historical violence were actually standard? Why go to the Coordinate when all you would be able to see was—

Your chest starts to tighten and your heart is pumping so hard and so fast you wonder if it’s about to burst from your chest. Your hands are suddenly shaking and you can hear it, the sounds of Bertolt’s screams. No. NO! You can’t live through this again.

There are hands pulling at you, and something warm holding you. Sandalwood. All you can smell is sandalwood and _Bertolt_ and you start screaming. 

Footsteps are heard hurrying down the stairs and— 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“I’m sorry, sir! She started panicking and I tried to comfort her and pull her out of it but I couldn’t!”

“It’s true! She just started shaking out of nowhere.”

Hands pull you up, spread you out to examine you, pull you in and hold you.

“You’re okay. I’m here. You’re safe. Calm down.”

You breathe in the familiar tea tree and mint and everything comes back into focus. You crush Levi to you and start weeping uncontrollably.

He holds you as you regain control of your body, your nervous system. Fuck! You’re so weak, now. What the fuck? Why did you react so strongly to that? Why did that thought pop into your head and take over? 

“Armin. Do you know what this could be?” Levi asks, trying to wipe the tears from your face.

“I-I’m not sure—maybe… It could be something I read about in one of those textbooks she had me read.”

“Textbooks?”

“Y-yeah. Um. From before we graduated. Sometimes after, uh, after fighting or an assault or a great shock, people have panic attacks. But it-it’s more than that. It’s like they’re reliving the assault and they think it’s real. Has, uh, has she been having trouble sleeping? Or avoiding anything? Any topics or people? Or maybe any outbursts?”

Wait. You… you know what he’s talking about. “Do—do you think I have battle fatigue?”

“Maybe? I’m not—Levi would be able to better talk about your symptoms.”

You knit your eyebrows together in concern as you take in Levi’s appearance. He looks tired, concerned.

“You’ve been projecting in your sleep. It’s not much, but it’s definitely memories of Shiganshina. You spend more time sleeping now than you ever did before. You’ve also been short with everyone and avoid talking about anything that happened in the past week.”

“I haven’t been short—”

“You called the nurse a bumbling dumbass because she dropped your chart after you yelled at her. You’ve been snapping at me, Jean, and Connie. The only people you don’t yell at are Armin and Hange.”

Well maybe if they weren’t such bumbling dumbasses you wouldn’t have to yell at them.

“I-is there a doctor or someone she could talk to?”

Armin silenced at your glare, but Levi was considering it. “Is there anyone you would be interested in talking to? Hange, maybe?”

“No. I used—I used to talk about stuff like this with Moblit,” you say, tears returning to your eyes.

Levi sighs and pats your head. “Do you think you could tell me?”

He tries to hide his pain when you don’t answer him, but you feel it coming off him. “I-I’ll think about it. I don’t want to burden you,” you mutter, looking away from him.

His hand falls and he turns to Armin. “Please, come get me if this happens again. I’ll be in my office.”

Armin nods and you feel Levi’s eyes return to you before he leaves.

“Are-are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine.”

❦

You stay with Armin, Eren, and Mikasa for the rest of the afternoon. Eren wakes and talks about the memories he is reliving. He asks if it is like that for you, difficult to discern what is you and what is them.  
  


You told him that it wasn’t, not quite. Your consciousness was always present, aware of its presence in their experiences, but that you would drown in their emotions to the point it became hard to discern what they felt from what you felt. It was revealed that, apparently, those with the Power of the Titans were cursed to only live thirteen years, the same number of years Ymir had her powers for. 

After digesting that Eren only has eight years and Armin has thirteen, you share with them what you know of Ymir Fritz and how Bertolt had inadvertently led you to the discovery. Armin agrees to cross-reference your testimony with the texts that were found in the Verite Estate. Jean delivers dinner to Eren and Mikasa and calls you and Armin to the mess hall. 

At first, you only grab a small bread roll. Both Jean and Armin look at you incredulously and ignore your mumbles about “more for Sasha I guess” before making you take a bowl of stew. Armin takes you to Levi but doesn’t join you. 

You look around the mess hall and it’s pretty empty. There are a few soldiers from the Garrison about, otherwise it’s just the Scouts who’ve survived. Hange is missing, but you assume that’s because they’re busy with their duties as Commander of the Survey Corps.

You turn back to Levi before extending your hand out. He places his in yours and accepts that you don’t want to talk just yet but that he hasn’t lost you, even if you feel like you’ve lost yourself. Picking at your food, Levi speaks up.

“I—I’ve missed you.” 

Guilt surges through you, sweeping away the nothing that you had been feeling. “I know. I’m… I’m sorry. Do you have anything more to do tonight?”

“No. Hange has given me the next day off and we haven’t had any meetings since noon.”

“Okay.”

You know what he wants. He wants to spend that time with you, trying to reach out and find you. Dive into the chasm you’ve been tossed into and bring you back out. You don’t want him to have to do that, have to save you like that. This feeling… it’s your burden. It’s not something he should feel the need to take care of, but if this is what he wants, what he needs, who are you to deny him? You never could say no to this man.

You finish as much of the food as you can—it’s less than half—before giving the rest to Sasha, much to the men’s chagrin.

“Shove it,” you mutter before any of them have a chance to protest.

Levi takes you to his quarters and starts to prepare a bath for you.

You’re not really interested in bathing, but you get it. You haven’t been properly bathed since you first arrived, and it’s probably time. If he weren’t so concerned for you, he probably would have forced a shower on you already. You begin to undress and you quirk your brow when he does, too.

“Let me be close to you, please,” he whispers.

How could you deny this man a single thing when he asks so nicely. You’ve only ever heard him say “please” like that to you once before—just after the 57th expedition and he just wanted to be humanized. 

You nod and he slips into the tub before you. Stepping in, you find the water pleasant and warm. You slide in between his legs and rest your back against his chest. He wraps his arms around you and just holds you like this for a while. He lets go so he can start massaging the soap into your skin. 

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers as he works. 

“Me, too,” you murmur. This, being close to him, stirs something in you. Just a little something. Just a spark of feeling.

You wash your own hair before getting out. Much like the first time you were intimate, he pats you dry, taking extra care around your stitches and your throat. He pulls out some clothes for you to sleep in and you dress. 

Joining him in bed, he wraps his arms around you, intertwining his legs with your own. “I looked into what you and Armin were talking about earlier. Battle fatigue?” You hum in response, already familiar with where this is going. “I think it would be a good idea if you spoke to a doctor.”

“I-I don’t know if I trust any.”

“Would you be able to talk to me?” he pleads again.

“I, uh,” you lick your lips before continuing, mouth suddenly dry. “I want to. But—but I don’t know how.”

All he does in response is pull you closer to him and you two lay like that for a while before you speak.

“I… I just feel empty, like I gave everything and it should have killed me but it didn’t and I’m stuck with what’s left. I did. Almost die. If it hadn’t been for Armin, I would have died facing off with Bertolt. And part of me felt like that was okay because then at least I would have changed something, would have proved that I could change the future. Because—because if I can’t, then what’s the point of this?” tears are steadily tracking paths down your face and Levi shifts so that you’re laying on top of him while he holds your back. He adjusts your head so you’re comfortably resting on his chest with the steady thumping of his heart soothing you. 

“What’s the point of me being able to see anything if I can’t do a damn thing to change them? If no matter what, I’m doomed to see my loved ones die again and again, both in the future and in the past? If everything is already decided, already going to happen, what’s the point of going on at all?” His grip on you tightens in response. “Don’t worry. I wouldn’t. I just… I feel so incredibly hopeless. Useless.”

Constantly pumping, his heart is the only thing you’ve enjoyed in the past few days. 

“And then I feel like a fucking horrible person, a horrible partner to you because I’m caught up mourning someone who betrayed me. I-I kissed him. Before he transformed. And I feel like I betrayed you, betrayed this. I… I don’t feel like I deserve you, or your support. I keep—I keep seeing him everywhere. Hearing his voice. Reliving his last moments. Hearing his screams. It’s overwhelming and I know it’s not there but it’s like my body doesn’t.

“Sometimes it’s you—nightmares of you dying, killed for having chosen Erwin or crushed by the Beast Titan. I couldn’t even stand to go home! I’ve wanted to since they first came to Shiganshina five years ago. But when I got there, everything hit me, all at once. All those people who used to live there, used to be there. I heard them, too. I heard my dad calling out for me to join him and I heard my mom bidding me farewell. I heard the baker greeting me and the fishermen joking with my dad. The kids who lived down the street chasing the neighborhood cat. Like I was stuck in the past and cruelly aware of the present. Such a potent and heartbreaking nostalgia.

“It’s… overwhelming. I feel like I’m going to break and I’m too tired to stop it. I don’t even feel in control over my own body anymore.”

His hand trails up your spine and establishes itself in your hair. He traces patterns known only to him in your scalp as he considers your fears, your anxieties.

You feel the shift in his chest before he speaks.

“I can’t give you a reason to keep going. That’s something that you have to figure out on your own, but I wager you already know that. Even if you can’t change the future, you’re talented in other ways. You were named XO not because of your power, but because you’re the best medic the Scouts has and you have a singular devotion to making sure your people are safe. Outside of that, you are a skilled fighter who would have still been chosen for my team on that basis alone.

“As for Bertolt… That was one of the first things you projected. I already knew about you kissing him, but I also felt how you felt. I know how guilty you feel. Feeling guilty doesn’t change things. I—I won’t lie and say that it didn’t bother me, but I decided it doesn’t matter. I still want you, if you still want me.”

He shifts a little like he’s trying to look at you. You turn your head and meet his eyes.

“Do you?”

“I do. I never stopped wanting to be with you,” you whisper, stretching forward to meet his lips.

He lets out a satisfied hum and cradles your head back to his chest. As you drift off to sleep, secure in knowing you’re loved, Levi wonders ~~if~~ when he should tell you.

* * *

#### Ten Days After Shiganshina - Garrison HQ Military Courthouse

The Survey Corps were set to debrief the military leaders and Queen Historia on the events of the battle and the information obtained. Hange and Levi argued for Mikasa and Eren’s release, but before Zackly came to a decision, he asked for your opinion, given that the former had injured you.

“Eren and Mikasa are currently being deprived of sunlight and proper treatment after a particularly devastating mission. Yes, they defied orders, however, they need the opportunity to heal. I believe that the ten days spent in the cells below have been adequate, though if any further disciplinary action is required, I recommend it is done in an environment that allows for the continued mental acuity needed for our soldiers.”

Not like you lived up to the same standards. If not for Levi almost dragging you everywhere, you wouldn’t have really moved in the past week. Hange agreed to it because you’re technically a part of Scout Leadership now. Third highest-ranking official. ~~You have to actually stop the eye-roll each time you think about it.~~

In that time, Levi had managed to convince you to see a military doctor who confirmed the likelihood of battle fatigue. The doctor recommended participating in relaxing activities and potentially joining a support group of sorts for other soldiers affected by the titan attacks in the last several months. You didn’t, so the doctor instead recommended confiding in someone(s) you could trust. After, they met with Levi separately.

Levi had come out of the meeting with a new sort of determination and had hardly left your side since. He had been making sure you ate, and ate well, making sure you slept—even went so far as to threaten you with sleeping aids until you yielded—and he encouraged you to talk more. It was all so… tender and strange, but it was working, almost. That hole inside you was getting smaller.

Of course, everyone seeing how he was caring for you resulted in him being extra surly and punitive towards others. A small part of you enjoyed it for the spiteful little shit you were. It was nice to be doted on by Levi and to spend so much time with him, but you couldn’t lie and say it didn’t bother you. It still felt like he wasn’t telling you something, like you needed to be protected from everything around you. You found yourself thinking back to that conversation with your dad five years ago.

_“Why? Why do you want to be a member of the Scouts? Why the military at all?”_

_“I don’t want to feel weak again. I don’t want to be a burden or a toy for others to play with. I want to be free.”_

You’re pulled out of your reverie when you feel something like an ember landing on your skin. You look up and see Historia flipping over the last page of Ymir’s letter. Could it be—?

“Something wrong?” Hange asks.

“Oh. Uh, no,” Historia responds, gazing out of the window. “I take it this is all she wrote?”

Hange confirms this while explaining that the Warriors most likely prevented any useful information to be included. Jean asks whether there’s a secret message or code, but you shake your head at the same time that Historia responds.

“I don’t know, but frankly, that doesn’t sound like her.” Historia smiles to herself and you think you hear her call Ymir an idiot under her breath.

Levi enters with Mikasa, Eren, and Armin while Historia stands to greet them. You watch as she interacts with them, noting how she’s become more regal in her posture since the coronation. She’s much more dignified, restrained with her speech. Despite the power she’s been granted with this position, she’s lost her freedom, the right to her own life. 

Hange motions for you all to leave so the official State Meeting can begin.

❦

You’re sitting in the appellate courtroom with Historia, Zackly, and the High Justice seated in the forefront of the room to adjudicate. On either side of the room is Pixis and Dok with their respective captains. The center has three large desks where the remaining Scouts—sans Sasha due to health complications—are reporting. Levi, Hange, and yourself are seated at the front desk; Mikasa, Eren, and Armin are stationed in the middling desk; and Connie, Jean, and Floch are in the rear.

Zackly reads the titles of the four books that were brought back from Shiganshina. It bothers you in ways you can’t quite pinpoint how Zackly notes that everyone aware of the existence of such publications is in this room. Perhaps because it’s almost like there’s the gentle insinuation that they’ll behave just as the previous regime would have?

Hange offers a succinct summary of the events in Shiganshina. If only it were that simple, describing the barebones victory in Shiganshina, but you’re not here to focus on that. You’re here to discuss those fucking texts, the existence of Marley, a nation overseas that wants nothing more than the extinction of your people for the chunk of rock beneath your feet.

Hange explains the contents of the texts, the truth you’ve been searching for since before you were a Scout. 

The cost of the Truth. Heh. If only you were the one to shoulder the weight, to pay the cost. Hange tries to explain the caveat of Eren having the Founding Titan’s power, but—

_He knows of a way to circumvent the royal covenant_

You take note of that and plan to meet with Hange when this is done. While you had told Armin, Eren, and Mikasa of everything you had learned with Bertolt, you hadn’t done so with Hange. Probably because Levi was always present for meetings with Hange and you didn’t want to talk about Bertolt with him. Ah, well. Time to change that, apparently.

Eren stands up in a panic and it confirms that he’s not sharing something. But is it really your place to challenge that?

_Yes_

Were you willing to force the information from him? See what it is he knows? Or is the answer held in the books currently before Historia? You haven’t the chance to read them yourself, but perhaps you could when this is all said and done? 

❦

It’s an hour later and the brass are still discussing the information made clear by the secondary texts with the Verite texts being the first. The cowardly MP shits are advocating keeping the information private. Despite having lost nearly two hundred Scouts. Despite having overthrown the previous regime for doing the same. Despite—despite _everything._

“If it became public knowledge, there’d be chaos!”

“Regrettably, we can’t let this get out ‘till we fully grasp the situation.”

Your grasp on your pencil tightens until it snaps. Silence fills the courtroom at the sudden _crack!_ and Zackly’s gaze turns to you. 

Shit.

“XO Verite. Do you have anything to contribute?”

_Shit._

“I have some comments, but I can refrain, sir.”

“I’m quite interested in what you have to say, both as a Verite, a family known for their secrets, and as someone who has fought for the truth.”

Shhhit.

You bite your cheek before fixing a patronizing smile on your face and standing. “If I am to understand the Military Police concerns correctly, you are suggesting that we treat the public with the same regard as the previous regime did. That you are suggesting the information that we fought for time and again stay in the hands of the few as it always has. That we continue this cycle of lies and death that has plagued humanity since our placement in these Walls. Or am I misunderstanding? Please, I’d be delighted for someone to correct me if I’m wrong.”

Giving a short bow to Zackly, you return to your seat. Hange offers you another pencil and you notice the wry smirk on their face. You take the pencil so you can continue chronicling the steady stream of bullshit coming from their mouths.

“Now, hold on a minute! That’s—that’s not what we were saying,” speaks the offending officer.

Pixis clears his throat and the room’s attention is drawn to him. “Then what is? According to you, we should deceive the people once more. Shall we keep our citizens complacent and blind as the late King did? If we do that, then by what ideals did we oppose King Reiss?” He makes eye contact with you before nodding.

Historia catches your eye, intimately aware of all you’ve done to find the truth, all she’s done to find the truth. “Then let’s announce it. This is information that the people once knew before my predecessor stole it from them. As the people of the Walls, all of us share the same fate, which is why we must now unite as one and work together.”

After Zackly agrees, everyone is dismissed to start disseminating the information. You take advantage of the commotion to grab Hange’s attention. They bend down a little so you can intimate the need for a meeting in their ear. Hange nods before they leave.

Levi waits for you at the end of the desk and the two of you leave the courtroom together until you hear your title being called. Turning, you see Zackly waiting for you in an adjoining hallway. You glance at Levi and he senses your unease and gives a curt nod, not leaving your side.

“XO Verite,” Zackly greets, considering the man at your side. “That was interesting insight that you were able to provide.”

“Sir. I merely sought clarification. I would have hated for us to have wasted that manpower removing one government for the second one to be the same.”

The corners of his mouth quirk up slightly before he speaks again, eyes firmly on Levi. “Indeed. I myself am curious about something that came up in the books from your family’s estate. Perhaps you could help clarify?”

You feel that tingle warning you of your own safety, your own freedom as you respond. “Oh? I’m not certain what use I could be regarding those. It wasn’t until my father’s body was recovered that I was even made aware of my lineage.”

“Is that so?” His eyes narrow imperceptibly. “Intriguing. I read somewhere that your family had a gift for discernment, an ability to see the truth. Would you be able to confirm this?”

You consider his question. He knows _something_ , knows that _you_ are something. He’s baiting you and you know better than to lie, but that little prickling beneath your skin won’t stop.

“In a way, sir. I suppose that I’ve always believed there to be more out there than what had previously been dictated to me, and it drove me to find the answer, much as the late Commander Smith.”

“I see. Well, then. I expect we can learn more about this at a later date. I’ll be certain to schedule something with Commander Zoe.”

“Very well, sir,” you salute before turning on your heel and leaving the hall.

Tension rolls off of Levi and you feel like you can’t breathe.

“C’mon. Let’s just get to Shitty Glasses before anything else happens.”

“You know, you really shouldn’t call your Commander ‘Shitty Glasses.’ Someone might think you’re being insubordinate,” you say lightly, trying to put that past interaction in the back of your mind.

“Tch. Did you forget what I called Erwin?”

Once in the courtyard, you two see Hange and you immediately feel safer, like you can breathe easy. The remainder of the Scouts and the brass make their way to the residential and administrative buildings respectively. Hange turns as you two approach.

“Two things: I need the two of you to accompany me to meet with Peaure and Roy, and then we’ll discuss what you’ve discovered,” they say, maintaining eye contact with you.

Just as you’re about to speak, Levi cuts you off and both of your attentions are drawn to him. “If possible, I would like to postpone the latter until tomorrow morning.” Levi’s intent stare at Hange strikes you as odd, but not as odd as Hange’s knowing expression and the way their eyes flicker to you before agreeing.

Hange simply nods before you leave to find the journalists.

❦

Peaure accepts the truth more easily than Roy, though the older man had decades of Reiss propaganda and exposure to MP violence against dissidents to cultivate long-lasting fear. They agree to start writing and have it published by tomorrow morning. Levi lingers in the city while Hange brings you back to HQ.

You take the opportunity to spend some time with Sasha, checking in with her after having a small infection. She begs for you to sneak in more food like you had been doing and you promise to bring her a potato or two after dinner.

Leaving for the mess hall, Levi calls for you. You turn and find him in his civilian clothes, waiting expectantly. 

“Brat. Where do you think you’re going?”

“To the mess hall?” You feel like you’ve been caught doing something bad—well, it’s not like you were about to smuggle potatoes for a notorious potato thief or anything.

“Tch. Stealing potatoes for her again?”

“H-how’d you know?!” you cough.

He sighs before taking you to the kitchen. He grabs two steamed potatoes and hands them to you. The kitchen crew says nothing but eye you two suspiciously. 

“Go on. Take them to Sasha. Meet me in the office when you’re done.”

You stifle your curiosity and deliver the potatoes to a happy Sasha. Without knocking, you enter his office. You’re immediately hit with a pleasant aroma. Your eyes stop on Levi, who has cleaned off his desk entirely and has two dishes in front of him. The food is nothing special—eggplants, tomatoes, yellow neck squash, and zucchinis sliced carefully, with hints of barely-there seasoning and sauce. It smells heavenly, and you can’t wait to eat it.

“Is this—what is this?”

Levi doesn’t answer you, but gets up and pulls out your chair for you. You sit and he pushes it in. You marvel at the food in front of you as he takes his seat. 

“Eat. Herschel is worried about you because you haven’t written.”

Guilt flushes through you. “Did he write?”

“Thrice. Once when we first got back, once a couple days later, and the last one arrived today.”

“Shit. Wait, why don’t I remember the letters, then?”

He sighs before opening up a drawer and pulling them out. “You were in no position to read or write those first couple of days. I had written on your behalf and he sent this dish today.”

“Oh. That was nice of him. And you.”

“I’ve had to write too many next of kin notifications. I was glad to write proof of life instead.”

“Uh-huh. If that’s how you want to play it,” you smile before taking another bite. You set your fork down and clasp your hands together, resting your elbows on the surface. You rest your settle your chin on your clasped fingers. He takes notice and stops eating, too.

“What?”

“I haven’t really thanked you. For… everything. You—you didn’t have to take care of me, but you did it anyway. And… I don’t just mean the last two weeks, but I mean… since I’ve joined, really.”

His face sports his usual bored expression, but you’re certain there’s light mirth and appreciation dancing in his eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he mutters while trying to hide his smirk with his teacup.

“Sure you don’t.” You sigh before picking up your fork again. “Let’s see… there was that time that you made sure I could have tea shortly after we moved back to the castle, and then you comforted me when I felt bad about—about not being able to trust Bertolt. You gave me Erwin’s horse for the 57th mission and you let me sleep in your private quarters that night when you had told me to _never_ enter them.”

“Perhaps,” he breathes, gaze intent. “Your point?”

“So blunt. I’ve missed it. You’ve been too careful with me the past week,” you remark before returning his gaze. “My _point_ is that you’ve always taken care to watch out for me. And I don’t feel like I thank you enough. I’ve been a brat—” you have to ignore his snort “—recently and I haven’t made your job any easier and I just… I appreciate it. Thank you, Levi.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for,” is all he says, expression turning soft.

“That’s not true, and you know it.” He extends his hand across the desk and you place yours in his. You two continue eating in a tender silence. 

It doesn’t escape either of your attention that this is the first meal you’ve eaten to completion since the night before the last mission. You honestly feel absolutely stuffed and incapable of moving. 

“Levi?”

“Hm?”

“When’s your birthday? I mean, I know that birthdays aren’t really a big deal, but I’m just curious.”

His eyes flicker down before he answers. “The 25th of December.” At your content hum, he looks back up. “When’s yours?”

You release a short laugh. “Levi, you have my personnel file.”

He rolls his eyes. “You seriously expect me to remember all of your brat’s shitty birthdays?”

This laugh is louder, fuller. “No, I suppose you wouldn’t. It, uh, it actually passed. It was the day Kenny kidnapped me.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“You seriously expected me to announce, ‘Hey guys, I know we’re being hunted by Levi’s serial killer of an uncle, but it’s my birthday?'”

He gives you a chuckle. You missed this. The effortless feeling of being together. That hole is getting smaller. It’s still there, still aching, but it’s getting smaller.

❦

He gathers the dishes and returns them to the kitchen. You take the chance to change out of your military dress. Levi returns just as you finish pulling on one of his shirts. He hums appreciatively before wrapping his arms around you from behind. He plants a soft kiss on your shoulder before you turn around and take his hand to sit on the bed. 

You lay back while Levi stays seated near the edge, admiring you. 

“Do you remember Kenny’s words?”

The question catches you off guard and you turn to look at him. 

“Uh… I—do you mean about how everyone has something that drives them?”

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about them a lot since Erwin’s death.”

He still doesn’t talk to you about that. It’s something neither of you are really ready to discuss in greater detail, something afforded to you both by your battle fatigue. You stay silent, not wanting to push him, not knowing what exactly it is he wants to talk about.

“What do you think your drive is? Your poison?” His eyes meet yours as his hand rests on your thigh.

You consider his answer. At first it was freedom, knowing what was beyond the Walls. It haunted your dreams, pushing you forward until that day in Shiganshina. Then it became about the truth. The truth behind who you are, who your father was. The truth of _why_ humanity was trapped behind the Walls. But seeing the cost of it, you weren’t sure if you could continue down that path in good conscience. You saw what it did to Erwin. You saw what that drive did to hundreds of his soldiers. While you still wanted to pursue it, you wondered whether it would be better for everyone if you left it be. Now? Now you just want peace. Knowing there’s a greater war awaiting, a greater conflict, you just want peace. You want everyone around you to be able to heal and be happy and have the opportunity for peace before they die. 

“I’m—I’m not entirely certain. I think… I suppose it’s the ideal of peace, of ending the conflict and living in harmony and just being able to be happy. But there’s a problem with that, because I’ve always wanted _more_. I don’t know if I’m ever really able to be happy.”

He pauses before asking, “Do you feel happy with me?”

You give him a serene smile and sit up. “I do. Moments like these are what I find myself looking forward to, nowadays.”

He pulls you in by your chin and presses his lips to yours. “Good.”

“Mm, I love it when you’re so good at verbalizing what’s going through that beautiful head of yours,” you tease. He lightly pushes your face away.

“Shut up.”

Reclining back onto the bed, you rest your head in your folded arms. “Why do you ask?”

He doesn’t answer, instead getting up to start undressing. It’s not until he slithers in bed beside you that you hear him speak again.

“What do you want? In the future?” He’s on his side and pulls you into him so that he’s spooning you. 

You hum, considering it, thinking of what you want, what you could see yourself doing if peace was ever achieved. “I think… I think I want what I always wanted. A small little house with a little garden and a little library. I think if everything was said and done, I’d like to do what my mom did. Travel to different villages and care for people. I-I’d like that with you, if you’d still want me, still want to be with me. And you could have your tea shop. I’d like that very much. Do—what do you want?”

“You.”

Your cheeks burn and you wriggle closer to him. He happily tightens his hold around you. The two of you lay like that for a good while, drifting into a soothing state of tranquility. Just as you start to feel sleep tugging at your consciousness, he speaks.

“Did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That you were pregnant?”


	39. The Heroes of Shiganshina Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _the gravity of loving you._
> 
> _(is a tidal wave. a crime scene._   
>  _an inhale. a pressure point.)_
> 
> Alison Malee, "pressure"

_“Did you know?”_

_“Know what?”_

_“That you were pregnant?”_

It’s been at least thirty-four minutes because you’re certain you’ve been counting as you try to process what the fuck came out of his mouth. 

P—Preg-

Pregnant?

_Pregnant?!_

WHAT?

You’re not even entirely sure that you belong to this body anymore. Do you even belong on this plane of existence? This—this has to be some kind of sick joke, right? Wh—? You should have experienced some kind of symptoms, right? You’re by no means an obstetrician, but someone with as much medical knowledge as you should have caught that if you were so what the fuck—?? You had bled like you usually do, well, actually, it was a little lighter last month… And you had been more emotional than usual but shit, you found out that your—Erwin, whatever the fuck he was to you—was going to die and there wasn’t anything you could do and that you would have to kill your ex-lover and that everything was going to shit and there was no possible way you were pregnant. Just. No way. Right?

You two had been lax with pulling out a couple times, but you cleaned yourself out each time, but—

Pregnant?

You wonder if you keep repeating it in your mind that it will lose its meaning until it disappears from existence.

You hear him gently call you and you become aware that he’s hovering over you. You turn your head slightly and take in his concerned expression.

“The fuck do you mean?” you breathe.

“You—” He exhales through his nose and looks away. “That first night we came back and you bled all over the bed. The doctor said that you had miscarried.”

Miscarried? But that would only be possible if you were pregnant, and you couldn’t say that you were. But that’s not all—he looks… hurt? 

“Did you—why didn’t you say something sooner?”

He swallows before answering. “I didn’t know whether you knew and it would break you or if you didn’t tell me because—I didn’t know. I asked the staff not to tell you until I knew that you were okay.”

You digest his words, as tart as they are. “Levi, I didn’t know. I didn’t notice anything different.” You slowly raise your hand to cup his cheek, hesitant because you don’t know if he wants that kind of comfort, that kind of touch. He turns his head back to you, and once he sees your hand, he leans into it and closes his eyes.

“Did—Wh—Ah, shit. Would you even want kids?”

“I—” He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. “I’ve never really thought about it before. Before, when I was in the Underground, I was too young. And now, I’m focused on winning this war. I don’t know. Do—do you?” 

“No, I don’t think so. Not with this bloodline, this curse. I wouldn’t want to subject my child to this. To… any of this. If anything, I think I would prefer to adopt, to give a child a home, prove to them that they’re loved and wanted when the world has told them otherwise.”

He nods before embracing you.

“Pregnant? They’re certain?”

“Unfortunately.”

A sigh escapes your lips and you rub his back. “I think… I think just the two of us is enough, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

* * *

#### 14 Hours Later - Berg Newspapers’ Trost Office

The story has been published and is in the process of being dispersed. MPs are helping to spread the information and the government is paying the newspapers for increased print and run times. You, Hange, and Levi are listening to Peaure read aloud the story published. Once he finishes reading, Roy asks about the credibility.

“I know it’s not much, but it addresses many of the questions and concerns that we already had. I know it’s not the truth we hoped for, but it’s what we have.”

You glance in Hange’s direction. If it weren’t for you and Eren being able to corroborate a lot of the facts, you doubt that it would hold the same air of legitimacy. Roy continues to explain the reception to the story and expresses pride at Hange’s ability to be more forthcoming with information than the last regime. If it weren’t for the work Hange did during the revolution, things would have ended up much differently.

Levi scoffs and asks for Roy to do a fluff piece on the Survey Corps in the next article, which eases some of the anxiety in the room, but you can tell the older gentleman has more to say. 

“I have to ask, what happens to us now? We’ve looked at the titans with fear, with hate, with the wish in our hearts that they would disappear forever. And now we’ve learned that this is how the people of the world look at _us_. We’re not human to them—we’re monsters. They’ll attack us, just as they did before. Why wouldn’t they?” His hands start to tremble as his observations sink into the atmosphere. “This hell will repeat itself until the last of us are dead.” 

His words hang heavy, almost suffocating. Neither Hange nor Levi know what to say to alleviate his concerns.

“We fight, as we always have. And I don’t just mean that we fight with our military. We keep going, always. It’s what’s kept us alive for the last hundred years. It’s what will keep us alive. We’ll work on fixing this, fixing their opinion of us. We are not the monsters that we once were, nor are we the monsters that Marley believes us to be. Yes, we have done horrible things in the past, but we will stop the cycle because the only other option we have is extinction. When I joined the military, I did so knowing that I was pledging my life to the good of humanity. My mission has not changed, but the means to accomplish it have evolved. I promise you that I will do everything in my power to work within diplomatic means for our continued safety and survival.”

They both look astonished at first before accepting your pledge.

❦

After leaving, you, Levi, and Hange travel to the Reeves warehouse, which you later learn was at the behest of Levi. You would chastise him for being overly suspicious if not for the fact that you appreciated it.

“I have reason to believe that Eren knows something about the Founding Titan that he has thus far withheld. I haven’t concrete evidence, but my instincts tell me that he knows a way to circumvent the royal covenant.”

“The… royal covenant?” Hange asks, confusion all over their face.

“Yes. I haven’t told you of this, but I learned a great deal of the origins and operations of my power while I conversed with Bertolt.”

“What? When did you—?”

Your eyes flash to Levi before continuing. “When—when I said goodbye. I had intended to give him pleasant last memories, but… I’m not entirely sure how to describe it. It was like my power was trying to find his mind, his consciousness, and it wasn’t there. Instead, it was located in this place called the Coordinate. It’s—it’s this location outside of our reality, that, according to Ymir Fritz, exists outside of time and space.”

“Ymir… Fritz? The same one that we’re _subjects_ of?”

“Yes. She exists in this space, living there for only she knows how long. It turns out that whenever my ability is used, I am temporarily able to traverse through the Coordinate, where each subject’s Path intersects. It is how the Founding Titan is able to alter our memories or how one of us is able to inherit one of the Nine if they were to die of natural causes and not be eaten. The ‘Oracle,’” you roll your eyes at the title, “is able to access the specific Path to access specific information, past or future. Before this meeting with Bertolt, I had done so without realizing it. But something about going there, finding him there awakened me so that I remember it all, clearly. I have probably spent the equivalency of years, if not _decades_ , in there with her. 

“According to her, I was first unaware of it happening. It wasn’t anything strange for her, having a Verite come, get what they need, and leave. But apparently, I talked to her and treated her as a person when she otherwise had not been. Each subsequent visit would be the same—I had no idea who she was, but I was kind to her. Eventually, my subconscious started to remember, until Bertolt happened. 

“Ymir’s job within that land is to build the bodies of titans themselves, along with repair damaged bodies of the Nine Titans and their inheritors. She is the reason for the existence of our Walls. She is the architect. All alone, working with naught but sand. In addition to that, she seems to carry out the will of the Founding Titan. I’m… I’m not entirely sure how _that_ works, but that’s—that’s how it works.”

Hange looks like they’re torn between hugging you for sharing all this and berating you for not sharing it sooner. “You’re sure?” they ask slowly, carefully.

“I am. In the journal we received from my house in Shiganshina, there were some descriptions and illustrations that resembled what I’ve seen while there. I haven’t had access to any of them, so I didn’t really think any more of it. It wasn’t until Eren stood up that I realized he’s not sharing everything he knows.”

Hange swallows this with grim understanding. “I see. In that case, I’ll make sure to get a hold of copies for you to examine. Perhaps we can figure out exactly what it is he’s not sharing without needing you to go into his mind.”

You release a little sigh of relief. “I would very much prefer that. I-I still feel dirty for having taken the information from Pastor Nick all those months ago.”

“I understand. In that case, since it seems that is everythi—”

“That’s not everything,” Levi interrupts. His eyes bore into your own before he turns his attention to Hange. “Premier Zackly. He’s learned of her power and wants to learn more, though I suspect he wants to use her as a weapon or to experiment on her.”

You feel ill at the thought and Hange is momentarily flustered before resuming the serious demeanor they’ve adopted since becoming Commander. “I see. What do you think of that?” they ask, turning to you.

“I, uh. To be honest, I feel a little uneasy about it. I’m not sure what he wants, and it concerns me. I’d be willing to comply, but I’d appreciate it if Levi or yourself were present during the meeting that he said he’d set up.”

“Hm,” Hange considers your request. “I’ll do what I can. _I_ should be able to attend, no problem, but shorty here…” You hear a low rumble come from him, and you’re not sure it’s from the possibility of not being present or the moniker. Hange smiles before continuing. “Nonetheless, this information is invaluable and I’ll do what I can to get you those copies.”

* * *

#### Two Weeks After Shiganshina - Mitras Royal Court

The texts had already been sent back to Mitras. Upon Hange’s request, they were told you would have access after the ceremony to honor the survivors of the Battle of Shiganshina. The Survey Corps—all ten of you—would remain in the capital for two additional days. Tomorrow, the day following the ceremony, you have an appointment with Zackly. Levi would not be allowed in attendance given your relationship, however, Hange would be.

You and Levi meander around the full lobby, waiting for the ceremony to begin. You’re both on edge because you aren’t entirely certain what will be asked of you tomorrow and that little buzz won’t go away. You’re not in danger, per se, but you’re not too far from it, either.

You see your team standing near the wall, and an MP you’re vaguely familiar with approaches. You head in that direction to Levi’s chagrin.

“You don’t have to follow if you don’t want,” you remark. “Why don’t you talk with Hange?”

“Tch. Don’t be a brat.”

“—right beside Marlowe. Just like me, he joined as an urgent recruit. But unlike me, he was brave and a natural leader,” Floch states, all of Levi Squad’s eyes on him. Ah, so this woman must be the one Marlowe used to talk about. Hitch. “Our situation was hopeless. It seemed to us that the Scouts were on the verge of ruin. Just as our fear was giving way to panic and despair, he stepped in and inspired us to push on.”

You raise an eyebrow at Levi, who in turn gave a noncommittal grunt.

“Yeah?” she breathes.

“He was an _amazing_ person,” Floch emphasizes. 

“I know. And that’s why—well, it’s probably why he never listened to me.”

“But in the end, I’m sure he wished that he never volunteered.”

She gasps at that, and you can’t blame her. 

You want to smack him, yell at him for putting words into Marlowe’s mouth post-mortem. He couldn’t possibly know what went through his head. You step forward, ready to speak when Levi grabs your arm and shakes his head. 

“Thanks. I’ll laugh if you screw up at the ceremony,” she replies bitterly. You shrug off Levi’s hold and approach her.

“I’m sorry for his words. They are not comforting, nor do we have any way to know their truth. In all honesty, he was proud of joining while he was with us. It was truly an honor to consider him a Scout and a member of our team. He—he talked about you quite often. I know that’s no consolation, but I thought you should know.”

Her eyes soften, just a bit, before nodding and continuing her walk across the room. You turn back to see Floch talking to Armin. Making your way back, you hear it.

“You should be dead, and Erwin should stand in your place. I’m not alone in thinking that. All of us do.”

_**T H W A C K !** _

“DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK FOR ME OR ANYONE ELSE AGAIN.”

Levi’s by your side in a flash and Floch is on the ground. Everyone has their eyes on you, but you don’t care.

“Don’t you pass off your cowardice and your piss-poor understanding of the Survey Corps onto the rest of us. You, who joined because he thought he was joining the winning team. You, who survived because of sheer fucking luck. You, who nearly had me killed because of your own inability to process intense situations. If I _ever_ hear you come at him like that again, I’ll break your nose and patch it up. Understand?”

“Why? Why shouldn’t I speak up? Why shouldn’t I say the truth?” he responds defiantly.

“You—you want the truth? I’ll show you the fucking truth,” you seethe, ready to dive deep, show him the true meaning of what it was to be a Scout, but Levi pulls you back.

“Not here.”

“The only reason he’s alive is because those two got emotional, and Captain Levi did the same. You made an irrational choice,” he mutters, staring at Levi.

You wriggle out of his grasp and you grab Floch’s face and bring him to his feet. 

“You want to know the truth? You want to know what it actually meant? That man that you considered a devil? This man who you want dead? You want to know?”

Before Levi can grab you, you’re gone.

_Instances, instances, just little moments of your life._

_The Colossal Titan’s hand gripping the Wall, your father pushing you off the ledge._

_Meeting with Levi and Erwin that first time, the implicit trust, the slap._

_Being on top of Wall Rose and seeing Bertolt’s appearance a second time. Running up his body to attack his eyes._

_Eren’s leg getting bitten off, Mina’s wire being pulled, you coming crashing to the ground in front of four titans._

_Firing those guns at the titans while Sasha and Connie missed. Jumping over the barrier and facing the titan with no more than an old gun._

_Watching as Armin stood off before Woerman’s regiment, guns aimed._

_Swinging down to Eren in Trost with Armin and helping pull Eren back._

_Seeing Annie’s titan kill Cis and Ness, nearly kill you. Seeing her again as the titans came to eat her._

_Being ambushed in Trost, being chased by people much more skilled than yourself. Watching as the bullet hit you while you kept going, grabbing their face and forcing them to see._

_Seeing Rod transform into the massive titan and still doing what you could to guarantee the success and safety of your team._

_Historia, cutting down the vertebrae that held her father._

_Seeing the vision with Erwin, understanding that he wasn’t making it out of it._

_Screaming at Reiner on top of the Wall._

_Taking out his eyes. Twice._

_Facing off against Bertolt’s titan before Armin kicked you off the ledge and saved everyone._

_Feeling Mikasa’s blade press into your throat after Floch tried to tackle her._

Tears are running down your face and he’s in complete shock.

“ **That.** That is what it meant to be a Scout. Not this cowardly excuse for a soldier in my grasp. Armin died for us. The least you could do is say ‘Thank you.’”

You push him away from you and Levi grabs your hand. 

“I think you broke it,” he mutters, examining your knuckles. Sure enough, they’re swelling and it hurts when his fingers probe the skin.

“Okay. And?” Levi huffs out what could be a laugh, but doesn’t respond.

“Here’s some tape. It should help for now,” Armin says, not looking you in the eyes. Levi lets go so Armin can wrap your hand. “I—you didn’t have to do that.”

“Son of a bitch almost killed me with his carelessness and has the audacity to speak for everyone? Please. Outside of him, there isn’t a single survivor of that day who regrets your being alive right now. If anyone else wants to have a go, well, I’ve obviously some anger I need to work through.”

Eyes are still on you as you scan the room. You make eye contact with each person still staring until they look away. Armin notices this and comments.

“Your eyes were glowing when you did that.”

“Ah, well. I have a meeting tomorrow with Zackly anyway.” His eyes widen but he says no more.

“Tch. Brats! It’s starting.”

❦

You’re all kneeling before Historia as the witnesses stand behind you. Zackly is holding the cushion with the medals on it as Historia takes them, one by one, and places them around each of your heads. As she finishes, she holds out her hand for you each to kiss.

It’s your turn and you feel a spark as your lips touch her skin. There’s the familiar tug of the Coordinate, but you don’t let it drag you in. You make brief eye contact with her and it’s clear she felt it, too. You release your hand and make a note to consider it with her and Hange later.

She moves to Eren, rinse and repeat, and—

_ssssnap!_

You see Ymir for half a second, a confused look upon her face. Her eyes shift behind you and you turn to see—Eren?

It’s over, but your skin feels like it’s burning. You look at him and he still has Historia’s hand in his own and he looks as you feel. You turn your head to your left and make contact with Levi.

What the fuck was that?


	40. The Quiescence Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Don't let them tell you that your pain should be confined to the past, that it bears no relevance to the present. Your pain is part of who you are._
> 
> They don't know how strong that makes you.
> 
> Lang Leav, "Strength" 

❦

“I appreciate a fellow reckless spirit, I do, but you just made our meeting with the Premier _that_ much harder,” Hange explained, exasperation thick in their voice.

You don’t say anything. What can you say in response to your outburst with Floch? Just as the shit had criticized Eren and Mikasa for acting emotionally, you had. Still doesn’t change the fact that you’d keep your word. If he gets mad at anyone, it should be Eren and Mikasa. Armin had no say in his being alive. If he had, he would have chosen Erwin.

“How’s your hand?” 

You grumble. Levi and Armin fussed over you and your hand for a good half hour after the ceremony, and even still, you could feel the former’s glare without turning to see it. “My first two knuckles _may_ be fractured, but I haven’t been able to accurately assess them myself.”

“Armin said they _were_ broken,” Levi hisses. “You trained him. He’s a competent professional who gave his professional opinion. It's honestly surprising your skin didn't split.”

You can’t argue with him. “Anyway. I don’t even know why we’re talking about my hand when there are other things for us to focus on.”

Hange perks up. “Did you learn anything?”

“I think so. I think Eren is able to activate the Founding Titan’s powers through contact with a royal. I felt _something_ when I touched Historia’s hand, but when Eren did, it felt like lightning was coursing through my body.”

“It’s possible. That _would_ explain why he cannot use the Founding Titan’s power and why it remained within the royal family for so long. This ‘royal covenant’ that you mentioned—do you think that Ymir Fritz only complies with the Founding Titan’s will if it comes from a royal?”

“I do. She doesn’t seem to hold them in high regard, but she doesn’t do anything to stop them. I’m not sure she can.”

“Hm… I see… If that’s true, then that would mean that the titan Eren punched when he activated that power would have had to be a royal. It could be that it was the Pure Titan of Grisha’s first wife. We’ll cross-reference the description of the titan with his books when we gain access.”

That could work. But why Eren would keep that to himself…? If he could only activate the Founding Titan while in contact with a royal, then he would only be able to activate it with Historia? But that’s not right. If Grisha’s first wife was a Fritz, that would mean that ~~Zeke~~ the motherfucker is a royal, too.

“In any event, we should strategize what we will discuss in tomorrow’s meeting,” Hange says, calling your attention back.

“Do we have any idea what he will want?” Levi asks.

“No, but we can hypothesize. I can’t imagine it would be too different than why Erwin wanted her.”

“I doubt that,” you whisper. Erwin had believed in what you had to offer—a means to find the truth. You had felt comfortable with him, safe. But militaristically speaking, it could behoove him to know snippets of the future, just as Erwin argued. 

“Regardless, we have to disclose your ability. You made it pretty impossible to be coy about it.”

“Sorry.”

Worth it.

You hope.

* * *

#### The Following Day - Premier Darius Zackly’s Office - Mitras Military HQ

“The Premier will see you now,” says the meek middle-aged woman serving as his secretary.

You and Hange both stand and glance at one another before entering his office. It’s a standard office—nothing fancy. A solid desk, nice bookshelves that line the wall behind him with a variety of military and history books, and military reports that seem to span the last five years. The walls are barren, save for a single window framed by red curtains. 

He’s leaning back in his chair and gestures for you both to sit.

As you do, he speaks. “Commander Zoe. XO Verite. Shall we begin?”

His eyes lazily flicker to you both before he looks at the papers displayed on his desk.

“I have received interesting reports about an incident that happened yesterday.”

He’s waiting. Waiting for you to respond, to admit to what happened without being prompted. He’s waiting for you to implicate yourself.

“Sir?”

This man is incredibly controlled—the only indication of his frustration being that little flash in the back of his eyes. 

“After you had assaulted another Survey Corpsman, soldiers say that you grabbed his face and that your eyes started to glow. Could you elaborate on what happened?”

“I was not aware of any ‘glowing,’ sir,” you start, intentionally being evasive. 

Hange stops you, deciding it best to be straight-forward. “Premier Zackly. XO Verite seems to have an ability to see into an individual’s past through touch. She is also able to show her memories through the same means.”

He raises a brow at you. “I see. Is this the Verite ‘gift’ I have read about?”

“It would appear that way, sir,” you respond.

“If that is the case, why was this not brought to my attention sooner?”

Shit.

“This information was entrusted to Commander Smith while she was still in the Cadet Corps, once she was made aware. She has worked close—”

“Why Commander Smith? Why not Commandant Shadis?”

“If I may, sir,” you answer. “I kept having continued dreams of a Scouting mission. They were always the same, and they always felt more real than dreams. After my father’s body was recovered by the Survey Corps, Commander Smith was present for the investigation. I took the opportunity to speak with him.”

“I see. And I take it that is the reason for your modified graduation requirements? The same requirements that guaranteed placement into the Scouts?”

“In part, sir. I had experienced a minor injury that would impact my ability to continue with full training. In lieu of that, I had begun helping in the med bay. Once it was proven that I was familiar with caring for injured people, it was suggested that I complete medical training with them. I, however, suspected that it was because they needed assistance and I proved to be competent.”

He nods, writing something down on one of the pages before him. “That still does not answer why I am only hearing about this ability now.”

“Commander Erwin had conjectured that someone had been interfering with Scout missions. The expeditions throughout this year have worked to prove that theory with the successful capture of Annie Leonhart and the death of Bertolt Hoover. He felt it necessary to keep her ability as close to the chest as possible.”

His eyes don’t miss the way your fist clenches at the mention of Bertolt. “If this is true—that you can see into the memories of others, then why were you unable to catch Mr. Hoover’s intentions earlier? I have reports that you two were involved before his betrayal.”

“I hadn’t reason to suspect him of treason at the time. I try to avoid intruding on someone’s mind unless necessary. It was not until I had interfaced with Annie Leonhart following the Attack on Stohess that I realized his true intentions. I had informed Commander Erwin once I was able.”

“‘Once you were able?’ What is that supposed to mean?”

“Sir. Once XO Verite uses her ability, it drains a considerable amount of energy from her. It is something that she utilized in the most recent battle to buy us time while fighting both the Armored Titan and the Colossal Titan. I believe that adrenaline kept her awake for the remainder of the fight. That being said, she was asleep for the majority of the following three days,” Hange supplies.

“I see. You mentioned having premonitions while you slept—were these useful in the planning of expeditions?”

“Yes and no, sir,” Hange answers before you have a chance. “We utilized the knowledge available to us through her to implement critical strategic maneuvers. However, I have a theory regarding Time that also diminishes the effectiveness of her Foresight. As it stands, all the evidence proves to support my theory.”

“What is this theory?”

Hange asked for one of his books and basically demonstrated the same thing they had with you and Erwin months ago. Without the marker this time.

“And so, all evidence points to the notion that time is fixed, unchangeable. Commander Erwin was not dissuaded by this, however, and still maintained that such an ability could aid in the development of strategy.”

“Can you give me examples of this?”

“The first time this worked was just before the 57th Reconnaissance Mission. I had a conception of the formation being attacked on the right. I had originally been assigned to ride with the Commander during the formation. However, I was then reassigned to be a part of the right-wing spotters. Once I saw the offending titan, I would b-line for the center to notify the Commander. He would then redirect the formation into a safer location where we could set up a trap.”

“Why would he risk a recruit such as yourself in the right-wing? The formation was established for long-range communication, after all.”

“It seems that by and large, titans avoid her. Even when directly in front of her, they do not acknowledge her presence.”

His eyes widen at the information but he doesn’t enlighten either of you as to his thought process. 

“I see. This gives me much to consider. That will be all for today.”

You and Hange both stand up and salute him. As you turn to leave, he addresses you once more. 

“As a soldier, you have sworn to give up your life when called to for the good of the people. Is that correct?”

_danger_

You swallow that warning and answer. “Yes, sir.”

* * *

#### Three Hours Later - Mitras Royal Library

The Royal Library is massive, full of restricted texts unavailable to the public. Now that Historia is Queen, they are slowly being examined and relinquished to public knowledge. While the four journals have been partially released, there are still many secrets that need to be deciphered. You find them in a locked room, along with the texts from the Verite Estate. You enter and lock yourself in. You don’t want any unwanted visitors popping in while you research.

About an hour later, you hear someone’s head make contact with the door and a muffled “Ow!”

“Tch. You have a key.”

You snicker to yourself before getting up and unlocking it. Levi’s trying to hide his smirk at Hange’s bumble, while Hange is surprised to see you here.

“I wasn’t expecting you here, yet!”

“What? Where did you think I was? I’ve been here for the last hour—I had the door locked because I didn’t want anyone else interrupting.”

“Ah, smart!”

The three of you dive in. The texts make more sense than when you had first examined them, something that is consistent among the three of you. 

There is a brief description of Grisha’s wife in titan form, which largely correlates to the photograph. Hange confirms that the description seems to match the report of the titan Eren encountered following the conflict with Reiner and Bertolt. You wonder if he can access the Founding Titan through touching Historia or if it has to be through a titan or titan-shifter of royal blood. ~~Zeke~~ That motherfucker’s face flashes in your mind again.

There are descriptions of the Coordinate in your father’s book, though they all seem to be sourced from second-hand information—possibly from Grisha? It’s meager information in comparison to what you already know, but it seems to be proof enough for Hange, who had you sketch out what it looked like before you examined your father’s journal. 

You move on to one of the Verite books that focuses on the experiments. Levi shoots you a dubious look but doesn’t comment. As you examine the text, you find it. Ymir is strictly bound to the commands of the Royal Family, which is why the Founding Titan only works when its inheritor is of royal blood. This is most likely because she was a slave to Fritz, forced to serve and die for him, you muse. Of the known powers of the Founding Titan, outside of its considerable size and raw power, are mass communication, memory manipulation, and anatomical manipulation for each subject of Ymir. The Founding Titan is also able to order the creation of titans—any titan. 

If that’s truly the case, then ~~Zeke~~ that motherfucker must be tapping into it somehow to turn Eldians into titans, such as Connie’s mother. The text is still unclear about _how_ Eldians are turned into titans outside of this, such as described by Grisha. That serum… it has something to do with it, but none of you are certain about what it could be. The only person who could have told you is dead at the hands of your Queen. 

It was through the anatomical manipulation that the experiments on both the Verite and Ackerman lines were finessed into what they are today. Would—would it at all be possible for Ymir to change Eldians to the point that titan transformation is completely null? Would it be possible for her to remove the danger, the most threatening aspect of Eldian existence? Could this be the key to diplomatic means, to ceasing the majority of Marleyan aggressions? 

“Did you find something?”

Levi’s question snaps you out of your introspections, and both he and Hange look at you expectantly.

“I-I think so. Uhm. Well, I think that the titan Eren touched before his ‘scream’ was the Pure Titan of Grisha’s wife, Dina Fritz. Which means she would have been a Pure Titan of Royal Blood—if she had consumed Eren, she would have regained the Founding Titan and would have reinforced the First King’s vow of nonviolence. 

“I believe the reason for the ‘Seven Immune Families’ apparent, well, immunity is that the First King was unable to alter our memories. I don’t know what that means in term of the other powers of the Founding Titan—”

“Other powers?”

“Yeah. From what I can tell, the Founding Titan has the ability to communicate to all Eldians, as well as change the collective memory and changing the anatomy of all Eldians. It says that for the Verite experiments’ success, they needed to use this power to change certain parts of our physiology, perhaps even the way our brain processes things. It was made easier with us because we’re basically bastard offshoots of royalty—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Hange interrupts. “Are you telling me that _you_ could possibly control the Founding Titan?”

“I don’t know! How would I know?!” you shout. “Anyway!”

Hange squeaks out a small apology.

“It also sounds like Ymir creates titans from _any_ Eldian.”

“So how is Zeke Yeager able to do that?” Hange asks excitedly.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because he’s an Intelligent Titan with royal blood?”

As the three of you digest what you’ve found, the energy in the room shifts from laid-back to enthusiastic bordering agitated. It’s starting to give you anxiety when Hange proposes something.

“Would you be able to confirm this? With Ymir, I mean?”

“What?”

“You say that you see her each time you use your power, right? Would you be able to ask her all of this? Get a definitive answer?” The passion behind Hange’s words unnerves you. 

“I, uh, I guess? I mean—I don’t really-ah. Shit. I don’t know how to do that, really? I’ve never tried using my power to just _see_ her. I don’t even know whether I can?”

“Hm… Why don’t you try to show me, then? The Coordinate? From your memories, I mean.”

You think on it, anxiety increasing tenfold as their enthusiasm becomes substantial and stifling.

“I-I can try,” you mumble.

They reach their hand out, and you grab it before taking a deep breath and diving in.

* * *

#### The Coordinate

_The land is neverending. In the distance, you see what you like to call the Tree of Life but what you know to be the Source of All. Sure enough, the Borealis’ paint the sky and converge at the Coordinate. As always, it strikes you how transcendental everything is. Glancing around, you see neither Ymir nor Hange._

_Great._

_You start your trek towards the Source and hear her before you see her. Shuffling sand to your right, you find her running to greet you._

_**“Hello, Ymir,”** you smile._

  
_This is easy. It’s nice being around her, giving her the attention and love she deserves. For the first time since you’ve interacted with her, you open your arms and she hesitates. She looks at you curiously before coming into your embrace._

  
**“Welcome back. I’m glad you’re here.”** __

_**“I-uh, I have some things to ask you. I mean, I know there’s only so much you can give me, but—”**_

**“Ask, and I’ll tell you what I can.”**

_**“Ymir? Do you know how the royal command works? Through the Founding Titan, I mean.”**_

**“No. I only know that it is the royal family that communicates with me.”**

_**“If that’s the case, do you think **I** qualify as a royal? How else could I communicate with you?”** you ask, eyebrows knitting together._

**“Perhaps. I’m not certain.”**

_**“The person who’s currently in possession of the Founding Titan is not a royal, but still had managed to use the power—do you know how that happened?”**_

**“Oh. Is that what happened?”**

_**“How what happened?”**_

**“The voice—it was tainted. I almost didn’t recognize it, but the pull was the same.”**

_Huh. That’s… interesting._

_**“My commander wants me to show them this place, through a memory. Would I—?”**_

**“Are they one of the Nine?”**

_**“No.”**_

**“I doubt they would be able to see this place, then. If they did, somehow, I would think they would not remember such as yourself when you had started.”**

_**“What if it were one of the Nine?”**_

**“Like Bertolt?”**

_Hearing her say his name was like twisting the knife that had been firmly embedded in your heart. **“Yes, someone like him.”**_

**“Hm… They might remember. They may even be able to talk to me,”** she says.

_**“Do you think I could do that? Bring one of them in here?”**_

**“Perhaps. I’m really not sure. Before you, no one interacted with me or acknowledged I existed. You’re… different. You see me,”** _she whispers, the slightest sliver of hope in her voice._

_**“I do. I will always see you,”** _you reply with a warm smile._ **“Why do I remember things? If the Founding Titan’s will over the mind is absolute, why is my family immune? Or the Ackerman’s?”**_

**“It is because you come here when your power is activated. I saw you the first time. I saw the two recent Ackermans, too.”**

_**“Oh. That must have been Levi and Mikasa.”**_

**“Your friends?”** _she asks, excitement in her tone._

_**“Yes. Much like Bertolt.”**_

**“It was nice to meet him. After you left, we talked a lot.”**

_**“That—that’s good. I’m glad you two were able to meet,”** you swallow thickly. Hearing his name, the echo of it here, has your mind reeling. It’s getting to be too much._

**“You miss him,”** _she states matter-of-factly._

_**“I do.”**_

**“His soul is still alive.”**

_What?_

_**“What do you mean?”**_

**“It’s still alive. Both in the Source and in the inheritor of the Colossal Titan. He’s barely there, but he is.”**

_~~Maybe now’s a good time for you to create a chest in your mind for information to put away for later. Or to never take out again.~~_

_**“I-ah. Nevermind. I remember you mentioned that the Founding Titan had to change the Verite physiology. Can they do that? To anyone?”**_

**“More or less,”** _she admits._

_**“Interesting,”** you hum, more to yourself than anything. **“Ymir?”**_

**“Yes?”**

_**“Are you able to act of your own will? Are you able to do what**_ **you _want?”_**

_She looks at you like you’ve spoken another language, like she’s never imagined such a concept._

**“What… I want? No one’s ever asked me that before,”** _she admits, voice small._

_Empathy surges through you at her admission. **“Well, I’m asking now. What do you want?”**_

_ She ponders your question with a frown, considering what you’re asking of her. _ **“I-I don’t know. No one’s ever thought enough to ask me. I don't know.”**

_**“I’m here to ask you,”** you whisper. **“In the world that used to be yours, people demonize you and deify you and dehumanize you. But you don’t have to be any of that. None of that matters. What matters is you. You are here, you are your own person, capable of your own wishes and desires. Ask for something, anything, and if it is within my power, I will gladly give it. You have always taken care of others, and I would gladly take care of you.”**_

_Tears begin falling from her eyes and this girl who had been afraid to embrace you earlier has now captured you in her arms, grip tight. She sobs into your chest and you hold her to you._

* * *

#### Mitras Royal Library

“Hange?”

Levi’s question is the first thing you hear upon returning.

“What?”

“Well? Did you see it?”

“See what? Wait! Did _you_ do it?” They ask, eyes frantically searching yours.

“You’re kidding,” he says. “You missed it?”

“No! I didn’t miss it! Did I?” Their head is swiveling between looking at you and looking at Levi.

“Ah, well, Ymir said that might happen, actually.”

“Oh! So you spoke with her?!”

_No one’s ever thought enough to ask me._

“Yeah, I did,” your voice wistful. They cut you off before you’re able to elaborate.

“AND?! What did you find out?”

“Maybe if you gave her the chance to speak, we’d be able to learn something.”

You click your tongue against your teeth. “Stop that,” you chastise him. “She is, as far as she’s aware, completely bound to the will of the royals. She said that when Eren activated the ‘voice,’ it was tainted. I assume this is because he is not of royal blood. It could be that she heard the ‘voice’ through the ears of the royal blooded titan he interacted with. Moreover, she doesn’t know if I am able to communicate with her because I’m technically descended from a royal bastard or if it’s because I’m—”

“Not an asshole?” Levi surmises.

“Perhaps. She also guessed that Hange wouldn’t be able to remember, just like I hadn’t before Bertolt. Not just that, but anyone who wasn’t a royal or wasn’t one of the Nine wouldn’t remember if I showed them.”

“So does that mean you could take Eren and he might remember?” Hange hypothesizes.

“That’s the theory. I’m also curious whether he’d be able to directly interface with her to utilize the Founding Titan’s ability if I’m able to act as a medium.”

“That would be useful as we have no other means to achieve it.”

“Additionally, the Verite and Ackerman lines are immune to memory corruption because when either of our family powers ‘activate,’ we actually make contact with the Source to do so. That does not extend to physiological mutations, which can presumably impact all Eldians.”

“Interesting. I wonder…” Hange starts writing furiously in their journal, taking careful notes of your conversation with Ymir. “I think that’s enough for today. We’ll make another visit tomorrow if necessary, though I’m looking at utilizing a royal scribe to make copies for us. You two go… do whatever it is you two do,” they mumble, waving their hand in dismissal.

Levi smirks at your reaction.

As you two exit, one of Zackly’s escorts greets you. “Captain Ackerman. XO Verite. You are to report to Premier Zackly’s Office tomorrow at 0800 hours.”

You both nod and he enters into the room you just exited.

“What do you think he wants?” you mutter to Levi, making your way out of the library.

“Nothing good, but it doesn’t do us much good to worry about it.” 

The two of you decide to visit the tea shop from before and the old woman treats you both like old friends. After, you both retire to Her Majesty’s royal barracks, the immediate residence for the remaining Scouts. 

It’s normal, as normal as things could be for a couple like you and Levi. It’s good. You’re finding it easier to talk to him, to share with him your anxieties, flashbacks, and any other harmful thoughts. He listens without complaint—excluding the occasional “tch” or “brat, stop that”—and he largely accepts and validates how you feel. He admits to you that he _is_ affected by the last battle, by your physical and mental health, by the prospect of a much larger conflict. But he reminds you that you two will get through it together, as a team.

❦

_The scent of lemon and lavender is overwhelming, but you breathe it in, wanting to soak your senses in it. This is the smell of peace. You open your eyes and are met with a familiar scene— ~~this house~~ **your** house. Clean. Warm. _

_This time it is morning. The windows are open and you can feel the sun warming up the cold land outside. Gracious arms encompass you and you smell the familiar tee tree and mint._

_He presses gentle kisses from your shoulder up your neck. He nuzzles your neck, breathing you in. You’re vaguely aware of Levi’s consciousness in this dream with you, but you refuse to properly acknowledge it because once you do, this will end._

_“Is this it? What you see?” you hear him murmur into your neck._

_You hum in affirmation and absorb the warmth, the love that threatens to drown you both. This is nice. This is what you want, in the future, if peace is ever achieved._

_You’re startled by the cry of a child. It’s not coming from outside but from the bedroom._

_What? This—this isn’t right. You pull away from Levi and he’s just as confused as you. You’re getting deliriously close to waking, but you push on, determined to find it._

_Entering the bedroom, you see a bassinet facing away from the door. You and Levi approach it and are met with an infant with your eyes and a little tuft of raven hair._

_This—something’s wrong. You know something’s wrong, but that doesn’t stop you from picking up this child and cradling them to you. Levi steps in to see them better just before there’s a loud pounding at the door—_

❦

You’re breathing heavily, covered in a sheen of sweat. Levi’s laying beside you, eyes wide.

“What was that?” he asks, and you don’t know the answer. That was _home_ , but it wasn’t, not with the child, not with whoever was at the door. None of it felt right. All of it reeked of danger.

The two of you lay in silence until sunlight began filtering through the windows. You two dress in preparation for the appointment with Zackly and leave together.

❦

You can’t breathe—your chest is incredibly tight and the air seems unable to make it past your throat. The thumping of your beating heart is all you can hear as you push yourself forward.

Where is he?!

You need to find him, to talk to him, beg him. He hasn’t let you touch him, help him, but you hope that he can help you. Fuck! 

You yank open the double doors leading to the library, knowing that he is probably with Armin. 

Sure enough, you see the brunette beside the blonde. Armin notices you first and his eyes widen at your state. 

“Eren—” you pant, desperate to get the words out. “Eren, please, I need your help.”

They’re both shocked, thoroughly. It’s not that you don’t ask for help—you do, but it’s rare. 

“What’s going on?” he asks warily.

“I-I can’t,” you’re shaking as your eyes scan the others in the library. “P-please, can we s-speak outside?” 

Your face is wet, you know this, but it seems that Eren is taking this in for the first time. He nods, casting an uncertain glance in Armin’s direction. Armin doesn’t make to follow, which you prefer. The fewer people that know of this, the better.

Eren leads you out of the library and away into a secluded corner of a courtyard several hundred meters away. 

“What happened?”

_“Please, sit,” the Premier ordered to both you and Levi. “After our discussion yesterday, I decided to conduct my own research into the topic of your bloodlines.” He paused, waiting for a response from either of you. When neither of you gave him one, he continued. “I spoke with Aurille,” he spat out, disgust laced in his tone. “He informed me that **you** are the last Verite as he will never have the opportunity to father children.”_

“You want me to _WHAT?!_ ”

“I-I know it’s a lot to ask, but trust me that this is my choice, this is something I need to do,” you sob.

“I—I can’t. You have to know that.” He’s visibly flustered, irritated at your request, but there’s pity there, in the back of his eyes. “I don’t even know if what you’re asking of me is possible.”

“I don’t know what else I could possibly do!”

“What about Levi? What does he think about this?”

“This isn’t his choice?! What does—”

_“NO! I WON’T LET THEM DO THIS!” he screamed. You had never seen him so outraged, so terrifying—which said something. “This—THEY CAN’T! They can’t force—”_

_“Levi, you know better than that! That’s why he reminded me of—”_

_Your argument was cut short when Levi’s fist went through the wall._

“Please, Eren,” you beg. “I’m the first. If they succeed with me, what’s to stop them from doing it again to Mikasa? Or Historia?”

His eyes flash and hope surges through you at his new resolve. You feel the defiance, the anger, radiate off him as he nods. 

“Thank you,” you whisper as he lets you grab his face with both hands and you connect your forehead with his.

* * *

#### The Coordinate

_Your feet connect with the sand. Looking to your left, you’re relieved to see Eren beside you. He’s taking in the beauty of this place, but even here, you’re shaking with fear. You grab his wrist and start running._

_You cry out for her, running towards the Source, not seeing her anywhere. Thank fucking gods you don’t even believe in that Eren is able to keep up with you because you’re nearly there and she’s—_

_**“Is that her?”** He points to her small figure, sitting before the Source._

_**“Yes! Ymir!”** _

_She looks up, curious at Eren’s presence._

_**“This is Eren, he’s the one who currently has the Founding Titan—”** _

**“It’s you. It’s your voice I heard,”** _she says, appraising the man before her._


	41. Levi Pt. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 45.
> 
> _ as long as you want _
> 
> Sappho (Trans. Anne Carson) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blood. Health stuff. Miscarriage stuff.

* * *

#### Five Hours After Returning From Shiganshina - Levi

Hange and Levi are due to meet with military leadership and he’s worried that you’re not going to rest like he wants you to. You aren’t built like him despite acting like it sometimes. By the time you guys departed from Shiganshina, he wasn’t even sure _how_ you were staying on top of Guinevere ~~though if he had to guess, it was through sheer obstinacy.~~ You had stubbornly decided to stay with Armin in the prison, but he could only hope that you had returned to his quarters.

Throughout the meeting, his mind keeps drifting to you and your health. 

“—Levi?” 

He glances up to see Zackly looking at him expectantly. Great. 

“Was the serum used?”

“I used it on Armin Arlert.” 

There’s shocked silence from the men in the room. 

“You—you used it on _Armin Arlert_ instead of Commander Erwin?” Dok asks incredulously.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

That’s a damn good question. How could he tell them that you had seen Erwin resigning his fate two weeks ago? How could he tell them that Erwin was incapable of acting in that moment, that he needed Levi to order him? How could he tell them that it was punishment enough that Floch didn’t kill him in that field? How could he possibly explain that Erwin deserved peace but to achieve it he had to die?

“I was ordered to use the serum as I saw fit. Armin Arlert made many hard calls yesterday that prevented total loss. One of those calls nearly cost him his life. Commander Erwin had indicated interest in utilizing Arlert’s strategic capabilities in future leadership decisions.”

That’s a half-truth. He feels Hange’s eyes on him but both of them are careful enough to not call Levi out on it. You were the one who had said it, weeks ago, but without being able to access Erwin’s journals, they couldn’t speak to the validity of it. You have never given him any reason to distrust you, so he wouldn’t start now. 

He catches Pixis’ expression and he can tell that the old man knows what Levi’s not saying, what Dok is still struggling to comprehend. Erwin had wanted to die and Levi let him.

The remainder of the meeting is largely run by Hange because of their new role as Commander and their participation in the successes of the mission. As soon as it is over, he goes to find you. He checks his empty quarters ~~and yours are, too, in case you couldn’t stand to be next to the man who killed Bertolt~~. Damn brat. You’re probably still in the prison. Sure enough, he sees you propped up against Armin’s leg as Armin studies the journals. 

Armin looks up at Levi and comments that you were out pretty quickly after sitting down. At least you listened to your body, even if you are on this shitty, disgusting floor. He lifts you and carries you to his quarters. 

He manages to strip you to your underclothes before setting you in his bed. He knows he’s going to need the sheets to be replaced before he enters, but for now, this will do. He watches you sleep for a moment, marveling at how you survived yesterday—not just physically, but mentally. Yesterday was a lot, even for him. More than anything, he wants to ~~clean you~~ hold you and tell you everything and listen to everything. 

But there are reports that need to be filled out. All of the next of kin notifications. For all one hundred ninety-nine of them. This was one of the worst parts of the job—second only to actually losing the soldiers in the first place. 

❦

By the time he finishes, he’s in dire need to hold you. To be reminded of your life, of your presence in his life. He just needs _something_. Hange’s upset with him because he b-lines straight for his quarters instead of eating like he should. He knows he should. But he needs to see you.

He opens the door and all the blood rushes from his being. There’s—so much blood. You’re so… empty, so faded. It—

It reminds him of that day in the Underground.

_NO._

NO. This—no! You can’t be dead! You can’t be dying on him!

You let out a strangled sort of cough and he allows the barest hint of relief before he starts to panic. You’re still alive—he doesn’t know how, but you’re still alive somehow and he can’t think can’t process beyond the fact that you’re not his mother you’re not dying like her in a goddamned bed while he watches on hopelessly that’s not how this is going to play out

He calls out for help and he’s relieved when Jean seems to be passing by. 

“GET A DOCTOR!”

Jean’s face turns to abject horror at Levi’s expression, Levi’s agitated demeanor. He nods and runs down the corridor. 

Levi checks your pulse and oh fuck it’s still there. He tries to find the wound, perhaps your stomach? But it doesn’t quite look like you’re bleeding from there? 

He hears footsteps coming. It’s the same doctor who was overseeing Sasha, and one of the nurses. Jean’s there to help lift you onto the gurney. 

“Thank you,” Levi mutters, voice hoarse as the two Scouts carry the gurney to the medical facilities.

“Don’t—don’t worry about it,” Jean responds, keeping his eyes forward. 

The doctor pushes Levi and Jean out of the operation room and Levi wants to scream. 

No. He can’t lose you—not like this. Not...not after all he’s lost in the past 48 hours. He can’t lose you, too.

Jean stays with him just outside the doors. He doesn’t know if he’s grateful or not. He supposes he should be. It’s better than being alone. Not the company he wanted, but company nonetheless. 

It’s about an hour later when the doctor comes out with his gloves completely bloody. He doesn’t like that, but one look at the doctor’s face reveals not all was lost. You—you should still be alive.

“So? Were you able to find where the blood was coming from?” Jean asks because Levi can’t quite find his voice.

“Yes. The mother is okay, but—”

“Mother?!” Jean shouts before looking at Levi with an undecipherable expression. “I’m sorry—WHAT?”

“Yes. She seems to have miscarried. I can’t be certain without the embryo, but it seems that she was about two months pregnant.”

Two months?

_Two months?_

You were pregnant for _two months_ and didn’t tell him?

You—no. You loved him more than that. You would have told him, wouldn’t you? But… you were a doctor ~~the only one he trusted honestly~~. You should have known, right? 

If you did, would this break you? Having lost Moblit? Erwin? Bertolt? Shit, you had even made an appointment before this to patch up Marlowe. Would this break you? Knowing? Perhaps you didn’t mention it because you knew that if you did, he would have tied you to a post and made sure Pixis knew to care for you?

Is it possible that you didn’t tell him because you were afraid of how he’d react? Because you didn’t want it and you thought he did? Or that you did and you thought that he wouldn’t? What if you had wanted to keep it, but didn’t want to keep him? 

Or did you truly not know? 

Did he want children? He had never really considered it before. He had grown up in the Underground, not really an environment conducive to childrearing. He had been too focused on surviving, then on caring for Isabel and Farlan… After that, he couldn’t even afford to fantasize about a family or anything of the sort. 

Scouts couldn’t really afford such luxuries. It was just a reality of the job. Sure, they would often have inter-regiment relationships because who else would understand why they go out there and fight titans? Who else would understand that death is a reality that cannot hold them back?

With you, he had done more dreaming of the future than he had in the past six years. That little fantasy of yours—a house for two, a little garden, a clinic for you and a tea shop for him. That was something he wanted, without a doubt. But children? That was never something considered by either of you in any of your conversations. 

“Which one of you is the father?”

Jean looks away immediately at the implication that he could be the father.

“That would be me,” Levi answers. Jean starts to leave before the doctor speaks again. “No. Jean. I order you to tell no one but Commander Hange.”

The tall brunette hesitates before turning to face Levi. “Understood, sir. For the record, I would never betray her trust like that. Nor yours.”

Levi nods, eyes focused on the doctor. The doctor waits until Jean is out of earshot. He starts to explain how he was able to determine the miscarriage, describe what would most likely be found on the sheets in his quarters. He explains how he’s not entirely sure what terminated the pregnancy—it’s not uncommon, especially at this stage, but he doubts the coincidence of your miscarriage and the timing of the mission. He describes the aftercare that is needed, the observation you will need to be under for both the miscarriage but also your injuries. 

Levi orders him and the other attending medical staff to keep this information from you until he has the chance to speak with you about it. Regardless of whether you knew, he’s worried about the state of your mental health. The doctor agrees and confirms this with the attending staff. 

You are moved to the bed next to Sasha’s, and just as Levi goes to hang his coat on the back of the chair, the doctor tells him that he will be okay with that once Levi has eaten and slept in his own bed.

As if he’s capable of either. As if he’s going to return to a room not bloodied by his mistake. Because at the end of the day, it _is_ his mistake.

Shit. 

But this doctor won’t let him see you until he at least _looks_ like he’s done either of those things, so he leaves. His coat can stay. If you wake up, he needs you to know that you’re not alone, that he was here.

He stops by the mess hall first, grabs a half-full bowl of bean soup. He can’t even hate it in peace because Hange sits across from him. 

“Go away, Shitty Glasses. I’m not in the mood.” 

“Where’s your better half? I was sure I’d find the two of you glued at the hip,” they remark, voice void of their usual luster.

“She’s in the medical wing.”

“What?! What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Hange sits up straight, friendliness gone. “Levi. As Commander, I need to know what has happened to one of my soldiers. So I’ll ask again: what happened?”

Shit. He knows he’s not being fair to them—they lost everyone, too and they’ve been forced into this position.

He sighs before answering. “Please don’t repeat this to anyone.” He waits for Hange to nod. He appreciates their solemn professionalism in the moment. “She had a miscarriage,” he starts, ignoring how their eyes widen and mouth opens as if to speak. “I didn’t know. I don’t know if she knew. Given everything that has happened, I have ordered the doctor not to inform her until I have had the chance. I-I am worried about what her mental state will be.”

Hange nods as they think things over. “Are you sure that’s the best move? If she doesn’t know, I mean?”

“No. But I don’t know what else to do.”

“Okay. I understand. Does anyone else know?”

“Jean, but I’ve ordered him to keep it to himself.”

“You know, you probably didn’t need to do that,” they sigh, removing their glasses to pinch the bridge of their nose. “Okay. I was going to tell you of the schedule for meetings for the next couple of days, but I’ll go ahead and remove you from attendance. If I need anything, I’ll come to you personally. I will need you to keep up with paperwork, but you should be able to do that by her side, right?”

Hange’s thoughtfulness catches him off guard, though he’s not entirely sure why. “Yes. You could just have Jean relay information between us if necessary.”

Hange nods as they get up from the table, taking their food with them. They take no more than a few steps before turning back. “I’m sorry to hear about it, Levi.”

“Thank you.”

He finishes the rest of the soup without incident and makes his way back to his quarters. The door is still ajar, blood still clear all over the bed. Shit.

At least you’re okay, alive. He starts to pull at the sheets, wondering if it might just be better to burn them. He hears a quiet knock and turns to see Jean in the doorway.

“I, uh, I wanted to know if there’s anything I could do to help,” he says, though it sounds more like a question. Levi grunts and invites him in. He could use the help. He could use the company, someone who knows. 

They work in silence. The mattress is ruined, and Jean helps remove it so it can be cleaned ~~it will never be cleaned but tell the brass that~~. He steals a mattress from an unoccupied room and Jean returns with a clean set of sheets. He helps to make the bed before speaking.

“Did you know?”

It’s quiet, unsure. Levi considers yelling at him before answering truthfully.

“No.”

Jean nods to himself before leaving. He’s a good kid. Levi’s proud of his growth. 

He considers sleeping on the new mattress—he had gotten used to sleeping in a bed with you by his side. He shakes himself out of that and settles in the chair at the desk. No. He can’t sleep in a bed without you.

❦

He’s been by your side for two days. The staff keeps informing him that your status is improving, vitals stable, coloration returning. But outside of your steady breathing, he sees no proof of life. No proof that you are there, under those closed eyes.

True to their word, they’ve been sending Jean as a go-between. Zackly is upset that Levi’s not in attendance, but apparently Pixis, upon learning of your coma, helped convince the former to push the meeting back. Honestly? All of them can go to hell until you come back. 

He just needs you by his side. 

He laughs to himself, considering where he was months ago, begging for you to just look at him once before he left you alone. Now he’s begging for your presence by his side. Fuck, he’s a greedy fucking shit.

You begin to stir, just a small grunt of discomfort and a shift in your arm, but it’s there. Your eyes open, but they’re unfocused. As you try to sit up, Levi reaches out to support you.

Relief floods through him at your consciousness. Perhaps begging to himself is the best way to keep you here? Perhaps he was the one who should have been begging all along?

❦

He’s expected to attend meetings now that you’re awake but he doesn’t like it. He hasn’t been able to be there for you enough, not really. He still feels like an ass for having distanced himself from you three weeks ago.

_“This is hard for her, too. Don’t make her suffer through this alone because you’re too busy trying to keep me alive.”_

He needs to grab some documents he forgot in his quarters, and upon entering the room, he sees you standing there, trying to change.

You’re so tired of being incapacitated. He won’t lie and say that it wasn’t humorous to watch you insult the medical staff, but he’s worried about you. And maybe it’s a selfish wish on his behalf, wanting for you to return to him, but he hopes that doing so will help with your recovery.

It pops in like an intrusive little bubble, the quiet reminder of the pregnancy. The annoying little question about whether you knew, whether you wanted him.

He allows his insecurity to get the best of him, and your answer—did you honestly think that there’s a part of you he doesn’t want by his side? Or… did you know about the pregnancy and feel guilty about not telling him? Fuck. He needs to drop it.

Regardless, you’re here. You’ll be here in bed with him tonight. 

❦

He’s heading back to his quarters, knowing better than to expect you there. But he hears it—distant, below.

He rushes into the prison to see you screaming, curled into yourself on the ground. Armin is standing in front of his chair looking panicked and Mikasa is right behind you trying to calm you. Running to your side, he tries to help pull you up to your feet. Maybe if he’s able to hold you? Remind you that he’s here, you’re not alone? But before that happens he needs to know that you’re physically okay, that you’re not hurt.

Once he knows, he crushes you to him, whispers the truth to you. You are okay. You are safe. You are loved. You are _here_ in his arms. You listen and cling to him with all the force you can muster. He feels your tears running into his shirt and he could care less, but he needs to know what this is, how to help. Remembering that you trained Armin, he turns to the kid.

Battle fatigue? He’s heard it in passing, knows that a lot of soldiers suffer from it. It was even thought that Reiner had battle fatigue following Trost. He was lucky enough that his old team didn’t have battle fatigue, but maybe you do. Maybe it’s time for him to learn more, to be better at helping you.

Regardless, he knows that you need to talk about it, whatever _it_ is. You always feel better after talking, and you always open yourself up to him. But that was before he knew he got you pregnant. That was before Erwin died. That was before Bertolt died. Before both of their deaths were on his hands. And fuck if you don’t feel that way, the way he’s afraid you do. You—you say that you’ll think about it, but you never had to think about it before.

You need space. He needs space. He needs to calm down this raging sea of emotions inside him. So he leaves you in the capable arms of Armin. You trust him. He trusts Armin because of that, just like how you did his team. 

He doesn’t come out from his office until it’s time for supper. He sets his shitty meal in front of him and watches as Jean carries two trays of food out of the hall. Jean and Armin enter just before he does. Armin glances over at him as he hears Jean say something along the lines of, “Sasha doesn’t need more food, dammit.”

Armin then leads you to Levi and you let him. You sit across from him as Armin leaves to join Jean and Connie. You glance around the room, anywhere but him. Is it that bad? Being with him now?

But you reach your arm across the table, hand open, palm up. No. It’s not being with him that’s the problem for you. It’s just _being_. He places his hand in yours and he lets himself feel the love, lets himself hear the underlying message: you’re still in there, somewhere, and you still love him.

He’ll find you, he’ll help you heal. He’ll help gather the pieces of you and prepare the lacquer while you sprinkle in the powdered gold. These monsters that you carry are a part of you now, but they don’t have to be the end of you. They don’t have to consume you, and as long as you trust him to help, he won’t let them. Regardless of what has happened, you are still a work of art.

You let him take you to his quarters and for that, he’s eternally grateful. He prepares the bath for you and before he knows it, he’s stripping, too. He just needs you close, needs you safe in his arms.

After, you admit that you want to talk to him, that your earlier hesitation wasn’t because you didn’t want to, didn’t want him, but because you feel irreparably damaged and don’t know how to get back to that point of being open. But you do it—tell him. And he listens, gives you everything you need in that moment. And as you fall asleep with his arms wrapped around you, he finally feels like he’s returned home.

* * *

#### Ten Days After Shiganshina - Garrison HQ Military Courthouse - Levi

The snapping of your pencil ceases the whining of the MP bastards. It’s been over an hour since anything of value was actually said, and while he’s only been half-listening, he knows you better than to think you weren’t giving this your all.

“XO Verite. Do you have anything to contribute?”

_“I have some comments, but I can refrain, sir.”_

No, he wants to know. He and Zackly both. Maybe for the same reason? 

“I’m quite interested in what you have to say, both as a Verite, a family known for their secrets, and as someone who has fought for the truth.”

‘Known for their secrets?’ Shit. Zackly must have an idea of what you’re like—your curse. If Erwin didn’t trust Zackly enough to have you peer into his future, then there’s no way Erwin had trusted him with the truth of you. If Zackly knows, or even just has an inkling, he’s going to demand to know why it was kept from him. This… isn’t good. At all.

Once the whole ordeal is done, Levi joins you, hoping to carry you off into dark corners unknown. 

“XO Verite,” Zackly calls. Fuck.

You evade his questions, but Levi knows that Zackly is digging and knows what he’s going to find when he stops. _Shit_.

❦

That evening, he prepares the dish your grandfather sent. Levi finds the man to be oddly… tolerable? No, that’s not quite right. Endearing? Eh, that’s a little much. But something in between, perhaps. 

He’s glad for the older man, glad that you have someone, some link, to your previous life. Some hint as to who you could have been. He allows for him to get caught up in the dream of normalcy, of being accepted into another family. He was returning the old man’s correspondence before he had even gotten the chance to think about it. What he wouldn’t tell you is that there were actually four letters—three for you and one for him. He wouldn’t tell you how the old man was overjoyed at the knowledge that Levi was caring for you and how he was eager to consider Levi family. Not yet.

The conversation flowed, freely, naturally, and it almost felt normal again. There was a weight in the room ~~several of them if he wanted to get into specifics~~ , but you joked with him, engaged with him, looked at him with that spark in your eyes. He missed you, something he’s freely admitted again and again. 

“What do you think your drive is? Your poison?”

You pause, consider his question. _“I’m not entirely certain. I think—I suppose it’s the ideal of peace, of ending this conflict and living in harmony and just being able to be happy. But there’s a problem with that, because I’ve always wanted **more**. I don’t know if I’m ever really able to be happy.”_

“Do you feel happy with me?” The question burns his tongue as he asks it, but the little seed of uncertainty hasn’t died yet.

_“I do. Moments like these are what I find myself looking forward to, nowadays.”_

Relief floods through him, that seed dislodged from the soft tissue.

_“Why do you ask?”_

Because he was afraid for the last two weeks that you had seen just how much he doesn’t deserve you. He was afraid that you didn’t want to be with him anymore. He should have known better, but the miscarriage has stunned him in ways that he never realized were possible. That was the next weight that needed to be lifted from this room, from this space between you. He’s realized that he doesn’t really care about having children one way or the other. If it happens, it happens. He’ll be the best father he can be, present, there. He’ll try to take after you and his mom, shower them with love and affection and the knowledge that they are _wanted_ in this world. He would do that with you, if you so wanted. And if you didn’t want to? Then that would be okay, too. He feels fulfilled being able to exist with you, seamlessly, effortlessly. 

“What do you want? In the future?”

He’s ready to hear your answer, as brutally honest with him as you ever are. He’ll respect your answer, even if that answer isn’t him ~~though he prays that it is him~~. But right now, before you speak, he needs to feel you against him, in his arms. He needs to feel the steady rise and fall of you breathing, feel the soft beating of your heart.

_“I think… I think I want what I’ve always wanted. A small little house with a little garden and a little library. I think if everything was said and done, I’d like to do what my mom did. Travel to different villages and care for people. I—I’d like that with you, if you’d still want me, still want to be with me. And you could have your tea shop. I’d like that very much. Do—what do you want?”_

He doesn’t even have to think of it as unadulterated adoration and love fills him to the brim. “You.”

You try to get closer to him and he pulls you to him, tight, a tender promise that you both will do what you can to get there. But—he still has to know. So he asks.

Your breathing stops and you stiffen and he still isn’t sure, but he waits. 

_“The fuck do you mean?”_ you whisper, fear and confusion thick in the air.

You didn’t know? You didn’t know.

He explains and you tell him you didn’t know although he already knows the truth of it. You didn’t tell him because you didn’t know there was anything to tell. You didn’t keep it from him because you didn’t want to be with him. 

_“Did—Wha—Ah, shit. Would you even want kids?”_

“I’ve never really thought about it before. When I was in the Underground, I was too young. And now, I’m focused on winning this war. I don’t know. Do—do you?”

He’s nervous about telling you that if you wanted to have a family with him, half-him, half-you, he would. He’s nervous to tell you that all you had to do is ask and he would do most anything ~~because if you had asked him to stop fighting he wouldn’t be able to because he needs to see this war through~~. It’s the same kind of apprehension that holds him back from sharing that fourth letter with you. Not—not yet.

_“No, I don’t think so. Not with this bloodline, this curse. I wouldn’t want to subject my child to this. To any of this. If anything, I think I would prefer to adopt, to give a child a home, prove to them that they’re loved and wanted when the world has told them otherwise.”_

Fuck he loves you.

* * *

#### The Honorary Ceremony - Mitras Royal Court - Levi

You… sucker-punched Floch. You sucker-punched Floch. Floch is currently on the ground, the bursting of capillaries under the skin blooming into what will be a marvelous black eye. His cheek is busted, bone having cut through the skin. Shit. You got him good.

He could watch that again and again, but now’s not an appropriate time to do so. He pulls you back as you continue yelling at him.

_“Don’t you pass off your cowardice and your piss-poor understanding of the Survey Corps onto the rest of us. You, who joined because he thought he was joining the winning team. You, who survived because of sheer fucking luck. You, who nearly had me killed because of your own inability to process intense situations. If I **ever** hear you come at him like that again, I’ll break your nose and patch it up. Understand?”_

He’s seen you in some pretty terrifying situations. He watched as you tried taking on Reiner on your own. He knew you had single-handedly taken out Reiner’s eyes and that you had stared off Bertolt without fear. He knows how terrifying you are. That’s why you embraced your father’s name—your enemies knew of the name and you wanted to strike fear into their hearts. But this is the first time he’s seen you lose your cool like this and he’s certain that you’ve never been more dangerous. Before, you were controlled in your actions, but now you’re being driven by pure emotion and instinct, the latter of which would carry you through effective attacks, unlike most others who get emotional and open themselves up.

Floch continues speaking and you wriggle out of his grip before harshly grabbing Floch by the face and lifting him up.

 _“You want to know the truth? You want to know what it actually meant? That man that you considered a devil? This man who you want dead? You want to know?”_ The venom in your inflection enough to make the closest officers flinch, as though you were a snake ready to attack them once you were done with your prey.

Your eyes start to glow and Floch’s expression shifts from defiant to frightful. Shit. He glances around the room and most of the officers present are watching with a mixture of awe, grotesque fascination, and terror. 

By the time he looks back, you’re already done.

_“ **That**. That is what it meant to be a Scout. Not this cowardly excuse for a soldier in my grasp. Armin died for us. The least you could do is say ‘Thank you.’”_

As you push him away, Levi examines your hand. It’s swollen, angry and red, and he’s grateful when Armin comes over to help fix you. 

Hange motions for him out of the corner of his eye, and he goes to them. He briefs them before they tell him it’s time for the ceremony to start. Returning, there are still officers staring at you. Everyone in this room knows how dangerous you are. How transcendental you are. How fiercely you will protect your family. He’s glad to be a part of that family. He’s glad to have the privilege of experiencing such a vicious love, to have someone who is absolutely willing and able to tear into their enemies.

* * *

#### The Following Day - Her Royal Majesty’s Barracks - Levi

_He recognizes this feeling. You’re projecting in your sleep. When you do, he feels your emotions and it’s almost heavenly. You feel so deeply, experience things so richly, that it is absolutely intoxicating._

_He’s not expecting you to feel safe, secure. He’s not expecting the love that you feel here. It’s a house, small, clean. Everything is put away, up to his standards. The house… it smells like lavender and something else that he can’t quite put his finger on. It’s addicting, especially in conjunction with your emotions._

_Outside, the sun is rising. He looks out the window and there’s a little garden with herbs and a couple vegetables. This must be it, the house that you dreamt of after Stohess. This is overwhelming, something he wants desperately with you._

_He wraps his arms around you and kisses his way from your shoulder to just below your ear. You hum and he’s swept away at the overpowering love you feel. How he could have ever doubted that you didn’t want him, he will never know._

_“Is this it? What you see?”_

_He feels the affirmation in the air around him and the desire to stay, to have this. He’ll get you both to this point. It’s a promise that he’s just made to himself, and dammit, Levi keeps his promises._

_There’s a cry that comes from the bedroom, and the love is suppressed by fear and curiosity. He follows you as you enter the bedroom. This—this is the same bedroom that he experienced the first time you projected on him._

_His head turns to find you staring at a bassinet. You dip and your arms are suddenly filled with a little being. More than anything, you feel uncertainty. He steps closer to get a better look at the child and he’s shocked to see evidence of both of you on its face._

_A loud banging at the door startles you both awake._

He doesn’t like that, not with the meeting with Zackly. A feeling of foreboding settles in his stomach and doesn’t go away, not until 72 hours later.

* * *

#### Premier Darius Zackly’s Office - Levi

“Please, sit,” Zackly orders. “After our discussion yesterday, I decided to conduct my own research into the topic of your bloodlines. I spoke with Aurille. He informed me that _you_ are the last Verite as he will never have the opportunity to father children.”

Levi doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like that Zackly looked into _his_ bloodline, too. He doesn’t like the implication here. He already knows. They’re going to fucking use you, breed you. He clenches his fist so hard on the armrest of this wooden chair that it splinters.

And Zackly seems amused by the reaction. Fucking asshole.

“I see that my research was accurate about you, Captain,” he muses before turning his attention back to you. “I reminded you yesterday that when you became a soldier, you swore to give up your life when called to for the good of the people.”

 _“Yes, sir,”_ you answer, no fight in your voice like you have already lost. No. No!

“Good. Now let me tell you what my research has taught me.”

Zackly then goes into great detail about how the Ackerman’s possess the Power of the Titans without having to change form. How they were the result of extensive experiments trying to recreate the Verite power because of how beneficial the power was but how disadvantageous it was to have it in only one “Oracle” at a time. How there was recorded ~~anecdotal and circumstantial~~ evidence of the benefits offered by the Verite’s. Preparing for famine, bolstering defenses before conflict, discerning true intentions of traitors. It then evolved to talking about how they needed this power more than ever due to the new threat of Marley, and how detrimental it would be for you to be the last Verite, how harmful it would be if you were to die with no heir. 

“For the good of the people, you must have children. You must ensure that your bloodline continues.”

He hears as your breath catches, feels as you stiffen. He wants to kill Zackly, end him before he gives the order, but he knows that if he does, he’ll be executed and you’ll be taken.

“I am aware of your relationship to Captain Levi and I would hate to make this more difficult than it has to be. Given the evidence of his strong genes, he would be a suitable candidate to act as a donor. Though, if that does not work for you, Captain,” he stresses, finally taking his eyes off of you to look at Levi, “there are other donors we could work with. It’s a shame that there are no royal men left, but we’ll work with what we have.

“That does mean that once your children are out of infancy, the military will take over care and education. Granted, if you both stay with the military, you’ll be allowed to raise them. If you were to retire, you would be severing all legal ties to the children.”

Zackly clears his throat before shuffling the papers on his desk. Having found the one he’s looking for, he brings it to the forefront.

“Now. Let’s go over the timeline. We would expect for you to try to conceive as soon as possible. Would you tell me at what point you are in your cycle?”

This is disgusting. Dehumanizing. This is—

 _“I’m not certain, sir,”_ you answer. Zackly peers at you from over his glasses.

“You’re not _certain?_ As a medical professional, how is it that you’re _not certain?”_

Levi risks a glance at you for the first time since entering this fucking office. Your posture is rigid, hands fidgeting in your lap, and you refuse to meet Zackly’s gaze.

_“Sir. After returning from Shiganshina I miscarried. The stress from the mission must have ended the pregnancy. Until I bleed again, I won’t know what my cycle will be like.”_

“I see,” Zackly remarks, shifting his gaze from you to Levi. “As a medical professional, how long does it take before a woman is able to be able to conceive again after a miscarriage?”

_“I am by no means an obstetrician, but as far as I am aware, it can be anywhere from one to six weeks.”_

He leans forward, covering his mouth with his hand. “I will schedule an appointment for the day after tomorrow. You will be examined so we can move on with this. Is that understood?”

 _“Sir,”_ you respond.

Zackly’s eyes find Levi again. “Is that understood, Captain?”

“Yes,” he spits. The word feels dirty, poisonous as it comes out of his mouth. Levi stands, ready to leave with you when Zackly calls him back.

“Let it be known that if you try to prevent this from happening, you will both be tried as traitors."


	42. The Quiescence Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Have you forgotten who you are? Here is a reminder. You are the giver of light, of life._
> 
> _Do you have any idea of your power?_
> 
> _Every time your body bends,_
> 
> _the universe yields to you._
> 
> _Your eyes are twin worlds they send up satellites to orbit. And your skin_
> 
> _is made up of the very fabric of time._
> 
> _Look for the light within you. Feel it surge like a river through your veins._
> 
> _Use it to will your dreams into existence._   
> 
> 
> Lang Leav, "Goddess" 

* * *

#### The Coordinate

**“It’s you. It’s your voice I heard,”** _she says, appraising the man before her._

  
_Eren is taken aback by her knowledge of him._

_**“H-how do you know me?”** _

_Ymir looks at you, almost expectantly._

_**“This is Ymir Fritz. She is—”** _

_**“She’s the one the Marleyans are afraid of,”** he whispers almost reverently. _

_**“She is not as the myths have described. But yes, Ymir is the one who was the First Titan. This is where she lives now, with the Source of All Life. She is the one who repairs your broken body and builds your titan one. She is the one who carries our history within her. She is the one who guides me to the memories I seek. But most of all, she**_ **is _.”_**

  
_He glances between the two of you, at the warm smile that sits on her face at your presence._

  
_**“How am I here right now?”** he asks._

__**“She brought you here, but I do not know why,”** _Ymir states._ **“Last time you were here, you asked about bringing members of the Nine, but I sense two in him.”** __

_**“Yes. He is both the Attack Titan and the Founding Titan.”**_

__**“But he is not royal.”**

_**“No. I’m not,”** he answers. **“But you still did what I wanted months ago.”** The question, unasked, is burning under his words._

__**“Months?”** _she asks you._

_**“Time doesn’t work here as it does in our world, Eren. It would have been the last time you heard the voice.”**_

__**“Oh. That was a while ago. Yes, I heard you. It was tainted, but probably because you are not royal.”** __

  
_Eren is visibly distressed at the amount that you know of this place, how you know of its inner-workings. No. He’s afraid that you know what he doesn’t want to say._

_Fuck it._

_**“Eren seems to be able to activate the Founding Titan when in contact with a royal, right, Eren?”** _

_He’s caught off guard by your question. It’s been months since you two bonded over the loss of Hannes, months since you two properly interacted. He’s forgotten that you know more than you let on._

_**“Uh, right,”** he mumbles, frustration lacing through his astonishment. **“But I can’t use it when I touch Historia. Can I only do it when I touch someone who is both royal and a titan?”** he asks, curiosity burning through present anger. _

__**“Yes, it seems so. Historia—is she one of your friends?”** __

_**“Yes. Although when I last spoke of her, she went by Christa,”** you smile._

_**“Wait. You tell her about us?!”**_

_You turn to him, confusion knitting your brows together. **“Why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t I share pieces of my life with her? She’s my friend.”**_

  
_He clicks his tongue before considering Ymir again._

**“You never told me why you are here now,”** _she hints._

_Anxiety courses through you at the reminder._

_**“I need your help. Both of your help,”** you start. _

  
_She notices the panic that’s rising and nods._

  
_**“I don’t know if this is even possible, or will even work, but I was hoping that Eren, using the Founding Titan, could sterilize me. You once said that you weren’t sure if it would work with me because I’m not technically a royal but have royal blood. B-but I honestly don’t know what else to do,”** your sentence turns into a whisper, a quiet plea that could be lost against the wind. You let yourself fall to your knees, legs unwilling to support your shaking body. _

_**“Th-they want to force me to have children, to carry on this curse. The only good thing that came from this curse is that I got to meet you, Ymir. Otherwise, I doubt anything would have been much different from what it is now. I-I can’t, Ymir. I can’t have these children. They’ll be miserable in this world, possibly murdered by titans. Probably murdered by Marleyans or any other country in the world. Definitely hated and feared for what they are. They want to take them from me, raise them to be weapons of the state. I c-can’t.”**_

  
_She joins you on the ground and wraps her arms around you like you had before._

**“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want me to do,”** _she murmurs._

_**“She asked me if I would come with her here, to meet you,”** Eren answers for you, voice unexpectedly soft. **“She asked if I would make it my will to sterilize her. She said that she and Levi would be executed for treason if there was physical evidence of sterilization, meaning that the only possible plan is this one.”**_

__**“I—I don’t know. I don’t feel anything,”** _she says, panic and defeat rising in her voice._

_**“Maybe we have to touch?”** Eren suggests. He kneels and takes your hand in his. **“I wasn’t sure about this, but you’re right. It’s not fair to those children. They should have the chance to be kids. I want you to sterilize her,”** he states firmly, directed at Ymir._

  
_She trembles and lets go of you, but you don’t think the command is enough. You start to truly break down, miserable, pathetic. When you had pledged to give your life to the benefit of mankind, you didn’t think that it would be your body you would be giving up. The freedom of your own choice. You never thought you would be bred like a bitch for pups. You didn’t think that you’d be damning your own children to live a life for someone else._

  
_**“Please, isn’t there anything you can do?”** you hear Eren plea as he wraps his arms around your shoulders, pulling you to him, trying to comfort you somehow. _

  
_You get it. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned Mikasa and Historia. Mikasa would be difficult, but all they would have to do is threaten Eren and she’d comply. She’d help keep the Ackerman line alive, along with Levi. Historia would do what was required of her—her life had stopped being hers as soon as her father got ahold of her. She’d be able to raise her own children, but their lives wouldn’t be their own either. This was Eren’s chance to prove that he had the leverage necessary to stop them from doing this, from preventing the military from erring back into the cycle that allowed for the creation of you._

__**“I—I,”** _she stammers, looking between the two of you. It’s your broken cry that does it. She stands, feet uncertain, but makes it to the Source nonetheless._

* * *

#### 

Mitras Royal Gardens

“What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing, Yeager?” you hear Levi seethe in hushed tones. You feel like you’re in a fog, and as reality becomes clearer, you realize you’re laying on your back on the ground.

“Hey, let go of me!”

“Really, Captain! She came to him!” Armin pleads.

“Levi, what are you doing?” you ask, lifting yourself from the ground. Your legs are jelly and you feel like you’re going to be sick.

His head snaps in your direction, relief and fury dancing on that beautiful fucking face. You didn’t tell him that you were going to try this, shit, you didn’t even explain that this was a potential option. The MPs showed up after Levi hit the wall and you slipped out before he could explain it away. 

He lets go of Eren’s collar before rushing to your side. “What did you do?” he asks in a low voice. “Why did you leave?”

“I’m sorry—it was the only thing I could think of,” you apologize, looking away. “I-It’s better I don’t tell you until I know if it worked.”

You feel as Armin and Eren’s eyes don’t leave you.

“L-Levi, let’s go. Let’s get some tea,” you beg. He wants to protest, wants to push for an immediate answer, but you can tell that your emotions are perfectly displayed on your face. He relents with a nod. He helps you stand and you two start walking in the direction of the bazaar. He looks over his shoulder to see Armin and Eren still standing there.

“Tch. Brats! Are you coming?”

They both pale but take him up on the unusual offer. 

The old woman greets you and Levi warmly, as always, and when she sees the patches on their coats, she welcomes them in with open arms.

“Oh! You must be a part of the team that made it back from Shiganshina! Here, here, whatever you want—it’s on the house!”

They’re both pleasantly surprised and keep their order light, not wanting to abuse her generosity. She engages you all in pleasant conversation and it’s nice. Just being here, enjoying the tea, the company, and the tenderness of the moment. It’s almost enough to calm your palpitations.

❦

You and Levi spend the remainder of the time together in his quarters. You two don’t really talk, but that’s okay. It’s mostly just being together—despite the past two weeks being glued at the hip, there was limited time to enjoy one another without work. After hearing about the meeting with Zackly, Hange excused you both until the exam.

You two could pretend to be in your own little world for a bit, try to ignore the anxiety that pulsed throughout the perimeter of the room. The night before the exam, neither of you sleep, but you’re still both slow to get out of bed. You get up first, needing to take a shower before your body was put on display. You are in the middle of washing your hair when you realize Levi’s joined you. As you rinse your hair out, you feel him pull for you. You two can’t be intimate because of the exam, but that doesn’t stop him from eating you out and leaving a nice, fat hickey on your hip.

“I need to mark what’s mine,” he says simply when you ask why. Possessive little shit. But the way he holds you says something else entirely: he’s afraid of losing you, of what you’ve done. He’s afraid you’ll be taken from him, but he doesn’t know how to say it. You understand. This is his love language.

You two dress and find two MPs outside to escort you to the royal medical facilities. 

They are _significantly_ better than the ones you were treated in. The main area is much larger and cleaner than that in Trost, and in the corner of the room, next to a large double-door, stands Premier Zackly, his escorts, a blonde man, and a short brunette woman.

The man steps forward as you two are escorted to the center of the room. 

“XO Verite, welcome. I am Dr. Wagner and this is my medical assistant Esme Frank. Please, this way,” he gestures to the doors. Zackly’s escorts open the doors and you step forward. 

Levi is stopped by one of the MPs, presumably because of the incident with the wall. You can’t blame them, honestly. You are about to be put on display in front of the leader of the military, an unfamiliar doctor, and his assistant. Levi might kill them for the crime of looking.

“She better come back in one piece,” Levi orders, glaring daggers at Dr. Wagner. The doctor turns and you swear you can see the man’s soul leave his body in a desperate attempt to escape. He goes to place his hand on your back in an effort to direct you, comfort you, maybe? But you flinch before he touches you and he drops the attempt.

You don’t want to be touched more than absolutely necessary.

The hallway seems unnaturally long and fucking cold. Your steps echo menacingly as you approach the exam room and you try to recede into the deepest parts of your mind. You don’t want to remember this, don’t want to experience this. Yeah, pelvic exams are something that everyone should go through for their health, but this was something else. This didn’t care about your health for the sake of you, the sake of your longevity, but for the sake of your role as a fucking breeder.

Dr. Wagner finally opens the door to the exam room and you enter, followed by Esme. Zackly and his escorts start to enter when Dr. Wagner tells them no.

“Sorry, sir. Permitting you is one thing, but those two need to wait outside.”

“Excuse me?” Zackly warns.

“What harm is she in here?” he tries to argue.

You and Zackly both look at each other, knowing exactly how dangerous you are even without any assistance from Levi or weapons. Shit. You _are_ a weapon unto yourself. But he sighs and accepts it. You’ve been nothing but docile, calm throughout this entire ordeal. As much as you’d like to run, escape, you both know better. 

Esme takes you into the connecting restroom to change into a slip. As you reenter the room, the table has been prepared. You set yourself on top of it while Dr. Wagner talks about how impressive it is that someone as young as you is a doctor, an accomplished one, at that. 

Accomplished? What the shit did you ever do to be considered “accomplished?” 

You pushed yourself to the edge of the table and reclined, urging yourself to go back to some time, someplace where none of this is happening. Or perhaps the future? Where you and Levi had this beautiful little house waiting? And a little garden? You’d love to have a lemon tree in your yard, but yards are rare. Unless you live in a village or town in between the Walls? But bushes of lavender and rosemary? Maybe even garlic, if you could get your hands on some bulbs? Garlic was hard to come by, but perhaps—

“You don’t have a uterus,” Dr. Wagner calls, pulling you from your fantasy.

“What?” both you and Zackly ask in unison.

“There isn’t a uterus. I-I don’t know what happened to it.”


	43. The Quiescence Pt. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ Into a well _   
>  _ a girl threw a penny. _
> 
> _ What do you wish for? _
> 
> _ asked the well. _
> 
> _ I wish for a penny, _
> 
> _ said the girl. _
> 
> Lang Leav, "Wishing Well" 

“What do you mean you don’t know what happened to it?” Zackly hisses, face turning red with anger.

“Well, what I mean, sir—”

“SPIT IT OUT.”

“Ah! Uh, there’s no evidence it was ever here.”

What? 

“How can that _be_? She just had a miscarriage!”

“I-I know that, sir! I read her medical history before the appointment today. I-it showed that everything was fine during her first exam three years ago, but there’s no uterus, n-no cervix. Her ovaries are intact, but there’s nowhere for her ova to go!” 

It worked. Shit! It worked!

You had to not let your relief show or Zackly would know. 

“Frank! Replace this idiot of a doctor!”

Wonderful. Cause _that’s_ what you wanted today. 

She comes to the same conclusion and Zackly orders his escorts to find competent doctors.

“But s-sir! I’ve been delivering babies for the last fifteen years! I delivered all of Lord Reiss’ children!”

“Get out,” he orders, eyes intent and glued to you. They leave and Zackly approaches your upper half. “What did you do?”

“I-I don’t know, sir! I s-swear!”

His eyes narrow before he returns to his corner. Another three physicians enter after several minutes pass. Each come to the same conclusion. None of them could explain it, though they were instrumental in guaranteeing that yes, it was gone, no, there were not any incisions or scars or anything to indicate that you had done it yourself or that Levi had done it. The only evidence that you ever had a uterus was the recorded history of that first exam and of the miscarriage. 

Zackly orders you to dress as he goes to interrogate Levi.

As soon as the door is shut, you break into tears. It worked. It worked, it worked, it worked. You don’t even know if it was you that made it work, or Eren being there, but it worked. You push yourself from the table and dress. You turn as the door opens, and you’re relieved when it’s Levi. 

“What the fuck happened?” he asks you, eyes wide. 

“I, uh—I don’t have a uterus anymore,” you whisper as he strides over to you.

His eyes burn into you while his hands cradle your face. “But how?” 

Your eyes flicker to the door and you anxiously lick your lips. “This—uh. Not now. Later,” you promise.

He nods and stays with you while you dress. Upon entering the lobby, the two of you are met with Zackly and his entourage, the doctors, and Hange and Jean. All of them looking miserable in each other’s company. Jean is the first one to notice you and mouths, “What the fuck did you do?” 

Zackly turns his head to appraise you just after you manage to mask your face with feigned disappointment. His eyes narrow, but he doesn’t voice his suspicions. He takes a deep breath before announcing, “Well, then. It appears that this was a failure. You are all dismissed.”

Hange watches you carefully as Jean greets you two. “What did _you_ do?” he urges again. Hange urges all of you to leave and reconvene in their office.

Once there, the pandemonium starts.

“What the fuck did you do?!” Jean nearly shouts, frustrated that his earlier questions were ignored.

“What I want to know is _how_ you did it,” Hange asks, their face seconds from contorting with their wild scientist grin.

“What do you mean, _how?_ What the hell was all that anyway?!”

“Tch. Both of you. Shut up,” Levi instructs, irritation growing. “What were you doing with Eren?”

An exasperated sigh escapes you as you massage your temples. “Shit. Okay. It’s best to do this in chronological order. Premier Zackly decided that my bloodline needed to continue and that the best way to do that was to force me to have children that would then go to the military.” You actively have to ignore Jean’s face, and in doing so, you miss the glance he shoots Levi. “I had already decided that I didn’t want to have children, not if there’s a chance I could pass this on. But to be forced to have them for that purpose? I’d—” rather die. But you can’t say that. Not to these three. “So I went to Eren because he has the Founding Titan. And the Founding Titan can change Eldian physiology. And I took him to the Coordinate and begged Ymir and him to do it—”

“Do what?” Jean asks. You can tell he knows the gist of it, but of all of you, he’s the most out of the loop.

“I asked if they could sterilize me. It worked.”

The temperature in the room drops by a couple of degrees as the weight of your confession sinks in. It is a massive power that Eren held if he is able to successfully order the altering of a single person. The power of the Founding Titan is already enormous but given the dormancy of the power without a conduit to Ymir, it means little. But it turns out you are a possible conduit. Regardless of whether you are the link between Eren and the Founding Titan, you are, at least, the path for Eren to enter the Coordinate while conscious, whole. 

“Shit,” Hange mutters, gears turning in their head. They turn to Jean, who’s looking pretty pale at the moment. “This doesn’t leave this room. It didn’t hurt at all? There’s no scarring, no—”

“Nothing. According to the doctors, the only evidence I ever had a uterus was the paperwork detailing my first exam and a-after the miscarriage,” you explain, biting your cheek afterward at the admission in front of Jean. You catch his eye as you go to look away, but something in it makes you turn back. He knew? Shifting your gaze to Levi confirms this. Why is this catching you off guard?

“Fascinating. The implications from this are innumerable! Do you mind if I loo—”

“HANGE! NO!” you shout at your commander, face hot. Jean lets out some sort of strangled noise and you bet he is as red as can be in this moment.

“But—”

“Nope. We’re done now,” you declare making your way out of the office as Hange laughs. 

“Fine, fine. We’ll talk about this more at a later time. But will you two tell the rest of the Scouts that we’re leaving at 0400 hours?” As you nod, Hange pulls Levi back.

Jean and you leave the office and start heading to the dining hall where the team most likely is. He’s quiet, contemplative, but you need to know.

“Jean?” The only indication he gives you that he heard is the slight turning of his head in your direction. “How long did you know? About the miscarriage?”

His jaw clenches before he answers, still not looking at you. “I found out at the same time as Levi.”

“Oh.”

A beat, then— “Did you know?” He stops and looks at you, expression solemn.

“That I was pregnant? No. I had no idea,” you say, though it comes out almost like a whisper, a breath. He nods, but he looks like a massive weight was taken off his chest.

“I-I’m sorry for not saying anything earlier, but I also want you to know that I didn’t tell anyone else.”

You look at him curiously, knowing that he never would, not with something like _this_. You knew he had already beaten himself up plenty after accidentally revealing your relationship with Levi. “Jean. I know. I trust you.”

The tiniest gasp left him as surprise washed over him. It was no secret that you were stingy with your trust. In all honesty, after the events in Shiganshina to now, the total number of people you trust with all of you increased. It was the shared camaraderie, the trauma of surviving Reiner and Bertolt that demanded the trust. They didn’t let you down, and you wouldn’t let them down. No. On top of Armin and Levi, your list included Hange, Jean, Connie, and Sasha. Mikasa’s unwavering dedication to Eren and Eren’s unwillingness to trust you cut you. 

“I trust you, Jean,” you repeat. “I don’t trust just anyone, but after everything that happened in Shiganshina, I just—I trust you.” You place your hand on his arm before you two start walking again.

The tension is gone from the air, your footsteps light. For the first time since Shiganshina, you feel hope.

* * *

#### Three Days Later - Old Scout Headquarters

Having arrived yesterday, everyone was in the process of cleaning. The atmosphere was stifling, oppressive. The last time you all were here, there were many more of you. You’d find yourself hearing snippets of what used to be—Petra and Oruo arguing about him impersonating Levi. Eld and Gunther strategizing in the corner. The gentle clacking of the chess pieces as Reiner and Bertolt played. Moblit and Nifa trying to get Hange to calm down. The halls are so empty now, the silence deafening.

It’s funny to think that just a few months ago you were relishing in your solitude, needing space, needing room to breathe. Now that you have it, you want nothing more than to be surrounded by your comrades. What kind of shitty—

“Hey. Hange told me to come get you.”

Your head snaps in the direction of the voice, finding Mikasa in the doorway. You nod, not trusting your voice right now.

She stays to finish the room you were working on as you leave. 

You hate the way your footsteps echo in this hallway, in this castle. You hate the lack of chatter, incessant noise, the reminder of life. Now it’s just as dead as your comrades and you all are ghosts that haunt it.

Hange still hasn’t moved into Erwin’s office, but you really don’t expect them to. Only Hange and Levi have been able to enter there for any time longer than five minutes. You can’t get near the door without crying. You make your way down the stairs and start heading towards their lab, but Hange’s voice pulls you in the direction of the mess hall instead.

“Hange?”

“Oh, good, you’re here.”

Looking around the room, you see Levi, Jean, and Armin. Levi’s pouring tea for everyone while Armin is sitting at the table, staring at his hands. Jean’s leaning against a pillar about a meter away from everyone else.

“What is this?”

“This? This is discussing the future of the Scouts,” Hange answers simply. Neither Jean nor Armin look particularly happy about being included—shit, you aren’t all that happy either, but you suppose this is what the leadership is going to look like until your numbers increase. 

Levi pulls out a chair meant for you. Once your ass meets the seat, Hange starts.

“The Scouts have survived by the skin of our teeth in Shiganshina. There’s no way we could take out the titans or conduct expeditions with just the ten of us. Which means until we have another recruitment drive, we’re stuck in the Walls. Thankfully, the Executioner from Hell is still operational. Gustav has been delivering daily reports of its success, and it seems to average about seven to ten titans a day.”

That’s… a hell of a lot better than a single expedition with twenty titans down and losses of about thirty percent. Jean lets out a low whistle, indicating his analysis is the same. 

“The majority of the titans should be in the south, but I want us to at least check the perimeters of Calaneth and Krovla. Commander Pixis has agreed to accompany us to execute a plan to lure the titans south.”

“Lure?” Armin asks, looking up.

“Yes. He recommended it based on the diversion plan you came up with during the attack on Trost,” Hange says, not even bothering to hide their pride.

“M-me? My plan? But I came up with that just to save Eren and Mikasa. I-I didn’t—”

“Armin. I was there. Your plan worked, regardless of the fact that you came up with it on the spot. I still firmly believe that if you had not joined the Scouts, we wouldn’t be even halfway to where we are now.”

He maintains eye contact with you and you’re glad. You’ll remind him every day for the rest of his life of his strength if you have to.

“The point of this is to minimize human casualties while maximizing titan casualties. We need to retake all of Wall Maria within the next year.”

“We do,” you say. That’s another thing you’re coming to terms with. The unchangeable nature of the future. 

“Huh?” 

Oh. You never told Hange. “I saw the future once, with Levi. It’s just us ten, but we make it over Wall Maria and ride south. There’s only one titan, much like Rod’s. Body too thick, limbs too small. He had stopped dragging himself to the Walls long enough that grass was growing back in the space he had destroyed. We make it to the sea.”

“Can—can you show me?” Hange asks. You never really impress your visions on them, so you could see this as doubly exciting for them.

“Yeah. Actually, I want to try something. Jean, Armin, get closer.”

Levi quirks an eyebrow, wondering why you want people to enter your space. 

“You, too, grumpy,” you mutter as you remove your jacket. You’re wearing a blouse with short sleeves, exposing your arms to the cool temperature of the hall. You hold out your left hand for Levi to take and your right for Hange. “Okay, boys, touch my arm.” Goosebumps raise on your arms as you close your eyes and push.

* * *

#### The Coordinate

_You aren’t surprised when you land in the sand. You aren’t surprised when Ymir comes running towards you, arms outstretched. You open your arms and she nestles into your chest._

_**“Thank you, Ymir. You saved me,”** you whisper into her hair. Her arms tighten around your waist._

_She lets go and looks past you._ **“Who’s he?”**

_You turn and find Armin taking in the environs with wide eyes. You smile at his wonder and at her curiosity. **“That’s Armin. I’ve told you about him, remember?”**_

_He shifts his attention to the two of you and his lips part in silent surprise before he smiles._

_**“This is Ymir Fritz. She’s who I see each time I use my ability. I should have known you would have arrived with me,”** you explain. **“He is the current inheritor of the Colossal Titan.”**_

_She gives him a wary smile and says nothing. Slipping her hand in yours, she pulls you to the Source. You grab Armin’s and bring him along._

_**“We are in the Coordinate. Well. I mean, technically that,”** you say, indicating towards the Source with your head **“is the Coordinate. Where everything comes together.”**_

_**“I never expected it to be like this,” he whispers almost with reverence. **“Your mom—you once told me that she thought the stars were all the souls that ever existed. But that’s what this is, right?”**** _

_**“Yes,” Ymir answers, voice clear. **“This is where all of the Paths converge to the Source of All. It is here where I build.”** ** _

_**“That’s… wow, that’s wonderful! You’re the one who fixes our bodies, right? That’s amazing!”** _

_She falters in her steps for a moment, looking back on him with gratitude and mild awe. It’s a sharp reminder that Ymir hasn’t encountered kindness like this before. It simultaneously breaks your heart at the fact that she’s missed this throughout her existence while warming your soul with the easy kindness that flows from Armin towards her._

_**“Here,”** she states, releasing your hand and turning to face the two of you. **“Thank you. For talking to me.”**_

_Armin glances at you before smiling at her. **“Thank you for healing us.”**_

  
_Hands still intertwined, you touch the Source._  


* * *

Both Hange and Jean look astonished and Levi has to pull your arm from their grasp before they snap out of it.

“That was incredible!” Hange hollers. “Did you know that you could do that? Make multiple people See in a single session?!” 

You shake your head and they don’t allow for you to verbalize your concern.

“Just think of the possibilities! Instant communication in a tight situation, one that wouldn’t alert others to what’s being said! Or being able to get differing observations from the same vision at the same time instead of spread out? Ohoho!”

“Shut it, Four-Eyes. Are you okay?” Levi asks you, eyebrows furrowed.

“Yeah, why?”

He pulls out his handkerchief and dabs your nose. Whoops.

“I’ll be fine—it’s just a little blood. That’s… that’s one of the ones I don’t mind sharing.”

“Are they usually so _vivid?”_ Jean asks, veneration slipping into his voice like hushed tones during a windy day.

“No, not like that one,” you answer as Levi continues fussing over you.

“Hange, when’s the next recruitment drive?” Armin inquires.

“Mm… I’m not certain, but I think Pixis, Dok, and Zackly want to wait until the next graduation. Anyone from the Garrison willing to transfer will have the opportunity a month before, and anyone from the Military Police two months.”

Great. So you’re looking at another six months? You groan in time with Jean. You chuckle at the timing.

“So when we’re not doing Wall patrols, what will we be doing? I’m assuming that the two of you,” you gesture to Armin and Hange “will be going through the First Interior gear and creating new ways to deal with titans and our newfound enemies?”

“Something like that.”

Fantastic. Well. At least it won’t be slow going while you wait for recruits.


	44. The Quiescence Pt. IV*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ The most beautiful _   
>  _ sound in the world to me _   
>  _ is not the forest birdsong _   
>  _ or babbling brooks _   
>  _ or even the ringing _   
>  _ of churchbells. _   
>  _ It's hearing you _   
>  _ whisper, 'I love you', _   
>  _ over and over again. _   
> 
> 
> Michael Faudet, "I Love You"

* * *

#### Three Months Later - Calaneth District - Wall Rose

Two titans are just on the outskirts of the damaged buildings, three more beyond that. Abnormals, not following the mass of soldiers leading the others towards Trost.

Restlessness courses through you before you dive off Wall Rose. 

You trigger your gear halfway down and catch on the spire of an old chapel. Flinging yourself forward, you relish in the brush of the frigid wind on your cheeks, the flutter of your heart at finally being able to fight again. 

Drawing near the first one, you get into position before latching to the shoulder of the titan just past your target. You twirl through the air as your ODM gear pulls you forward, blades finding purchase and slicing through the hot flesh. The second one doesn’t even flinch as you repeat the attack. It starts to fall and your hooks grab onto another building. 

You land and watch as Levi takes down the three remaining titans with ease. Pulling out a periscope, you confirm that there aren’t any other abnormals that you can see. There’s not much else you’re able to do until you ride out with the garrison in another month, though you’ll be doing so from Krovla District. They’ll be conducting sweeps of the distance between Wall Rose and Wall Maria, much like they had during the Wall Rose breach months ago. 

Hange anticipates that by the end of winter, there will be no more titans within the Walls and reconstruction projects can begin. 

Levi swings towards you, steam rising from his blades. You pull out a handkerchief, knowing he’ll be wanting to wipe away the dissipating muck. 

“Did you see any more?” he asks as he takes your offered cloth. 

“No. We have to assume that we’re done here until the garrison can conduct the sweeps.”

“Very well. Let’s get back up to Four-Eyes.”

You smirk, preparing to cast your gear. You love winter, but it’s _fucking_ cold out here and you want to warm up. Levi pulls on your elbow and turns you around. Before you can think about what he wants, his lips are on yours, urgent. Neither of you has had much time to just _be_ together, and it’s starting to wear thin.

“Levi,” you mumble into his lips. “I’m cold.”

“I know of a way to warm you up.”

“Levi! No—not here! Later, I promise,” you pull away, a bewildered smile pulling at the corners of your mouth.

“Demon,” he mutters, repositioning his body to take off.

“Demon?! You were the one who started this, you jackass,” you accuse. You hear the faintest chuckle leave him as he takes off towards the Wall.

❦

“What took you guys so long? There were only five of them,” Eren remarks, displeasure thick on his voice.

With the Survey Corps only consisting of ten soldiers, only you and Levi have been cleared to deal with any abnormals as they avoid you and Levi’s, well, Levi. It’s created unnecessary tension and frustration, further exasperated by the constant companionship of one another.

“We can worry about that later. It appears that the plan to relocate them is working. Let’s get back to Calaneth HQ to pack up for the night,” Hange requests, though you all know it’s a command. 

“Sir,” everyone responds. 

You all load onto the lift as another soldier signals for it to be lowered. 

“I still can’t believe they ignore you,” Sasha remarks. “To think, you found out because Connie and I missed in Trost.”

“It wasn’t really then I found out though, not until Hange basically pushed me into Sawney’s mouth,” you laugh at the memory.

“Hah, yeah. Shorty almost killed me when he heard about that,” they chuckle before Levi elbows them in the side.

“When was that?” Eren asks. No one else was there for Hange’s experiments with them, save for Levi and Eren, though Eren had only seen them once before they were killed.

“Hm. Just before your trial, if I remember correctly,” you muse, trying to remember that first week in Trost with the Scouts. 

“Man. And to think that was only half a year ago.”

You turn to look at Connie, wearing a grim expression. It’s not long after that the atmosphere is tinged with the reminder of everything that happened.

❦

“XO Verite, there’s a letter for you,” a soldier calls from behind. You turn and take the envelope in his hands before dismissing him. Supper won’t be ready for another hour, but you’re all packing to make your way to Krovla. You’ll be passing through Stohess, Wall Sina to Yarckel, and finally cutting to Krovla to minimize travel time between. 

It’s tiring, being on the road like this, in a completely different way than the exhaustion you had become used to with the Survey Corps. You had written your grandfather to arrange a short meeting, as you’d most likely be staying overnight in Stohess. After Levi’s correspondence with him, he had only grown more attached to the two of you. It was charming to be accepted by this man, this link to your mother.

Having read the letter, you cease packing and go to find Hange. Your search ends quickly as you round a corner and run face-first into their chest, spilling the papers they were holding.

“Oh, shit! Sorry, Hange,” you apologize, kneeling to pick up the papers.

Their laughter rings through the air before they join you. “What’s so urgent?”

“I, uh, I was actually looking for you,” you say as you hand them the documents you had gathered.

“Well, you found me.”

“We’re supposed to be in Stohess by tomorrow night, and we’ll be staying for the following day to allow the horses time to rest, right?” At their nod, you continue. “I had planned on trying to see my grandfather while we were in Stohess, but he’s extended an invitation to the Survey Corps to dine with him for Yule.”

Hange looks taken aback before you thrust his letter in their hands. Their eyes scan his stylized script and a slight smile plays on their lips. “I forgot that Yule’s coming up. I think this is a wonderful idea! Just what everyone needs! When you write your response, be sure to write to Stohess HQ to notify them that we won’t be dining with them on the twenty-first.”

You match their grin and return to your office. After finding the messenger and giving him the letters for urgent delivery, you finish packing. Levi joins you, having spent the afternoon completing reports. 

“C’mon. It’s time for dinner, and Shitty Glasses says there’s an announcement,” he states, watching you from the doorway. “What’s with that smile? What did you do?”

Your smile widens as you bounce towards him. “Oh, nothing. Except we’re going to have a nice warm meal for Yuletide.”

Stepping past him, you lead the two of you to the mess hall. 

“Herschel?”

“Mhm. I just wanted to see if he’d be available to meet with us while we were in the city, but he extended the invitation to everyone since there’s so little of us. He said it was his way of saying ‘thanks’ for retaking Wall Maria.”

“Tch. Foolish old man.”

“You know you like him,” you tease. Just like Hange, you had forgotten the date. “Hey, Levi?”

“Hm?”

“Do you want to do anything for your birthday? I know you don’t particularly care about it, but I’d like to do something for you.”

If you didn’t know him so well, you’d have missed the way he pauses. “You don’t have to do anything.”

“Please? Even if it’s just ordering some nice tea from the shop in Mitras.”

You two are nearly at the entrance, but he stops and looks at you. “I’ll think about it.”

You’ll take that as a win for the moment. Upon entering, you see the rest of the Scouts in line to receive food. Joining them, you hear them marveling at what the announcement could be. Just like your grandfather, you want to thank them. It’s been a shitty fucking year and you all deserve a respite, a treat.

Something more than bean soup, bread, and potatoes.

Everyone’s been eating at the same table, some level of camaraderie, comfort from being around people who were _there_ , so it’s no surprise when everyone takes up a single table. With everyone seated, Hange stands to greet the Scouts. 

“First thing’s first: we’ll be leaving by 0500 hours, so be prepared. Make sure you’re prepared for the snow. I don’t anticipate snowfall tomorrow, however, that doesn’t mean we can afford to be unprepared.”

“Why so early? Won’t it be colder?” Connie asks, keeping Sasha from stealing his food.

“We _would_ be leaving earlier, but I can’t push it back further if we plan on arriving tomorrow. However, we have some good news. We have been invited to have a proper Yuletide feast in Stohess.”

Sasha stops shoveling food in her mouth at the announcement. “You’re saying—you’re saying we’ll have food? _Good_ food?!”

“There’ll be meat,” you reply with a wide smile. Levi tenses in preparation for Sasha’s soon-to-be outpouring enthusiasm. You can’t understand what she’s saying, but the intent is clear. Connie and Jean manage to wrestle her back across the table before Hange encourages you to continue. “My grandfather wanted to extend his gratitude to the Scouts for reclaiming Wall Maria. He typically hosts a large gathering for the holiday, but this year he canceled his plans. When he heard we would be passing through Stohess, he invited us, prepared to host a private event for us.” 

“Whoa—are you serious? You’re fine with this?” Floch asks, still having yet to forgive you for punching him. While you doubt you would ever consider him a friend, he’s still a comrade.

“After the year we’ve had? Absolutely.”

With something in the immediate to look forward to, the mood lifts considerably. Everything is ready to go shortly after supper, meaning that everyone can enjoy a little more sleep before leaving at 0500 hours. 

You enter your quarters before Levi and start preparing to shower. The door doesn’t open until you’re already standing beneath the warm stream of water. He doesn’t answer after you call out his name. 

Oh, well. 

Washing your hair, you hear the curtain pull back. You turn slightly to see him joining you. His hands settle on your hips before he steps closer. They travel up your ribs and ghost just beneath your breasts. His right continues its ascent until he finds your nipple. 

You can almost feel his fucking smirk at the moan that escapes you as his left hand massages your other breast. 

“Levi—” You… it’s getting hard to think and you just need to wash out the suds. 

“Ah-ah. You said ‘later.’ It’s later,” he hums, pressing himself against your back and increasing his touch.

“I-I, uh, shit, yes. Bu—let me wash out my hair,” you whine. You’re reluctant when his hands leave you, but the quicker this is over with, the quicker you can have him. Once done, you turn and give him a hungry kiss, all teeth and tongue. 

His hands roam your body, grabbing, pinching, massaging. You feel him twitch against you as he swallows your moans and whimpers, eager to feel you around him. His lips travel down your neck, teeth sinking into the soft flesh, while his fingers roam down, down, right to where you need to feel him. 

He pulls his face back to watch as his fingers find your sensitive bundle of nerves. Your head falls back as an unrestrained chorus of pleasure falls from your lips. His touch alternates between feather-light and rough, enjoying the way you shudder at his ministrations. Just as your nails sink into his back, he slips two fingers into your aching cunt.

“ _L-L-Lev-i-i_ —” you mewl, climax approaching as his fingers rock in and out of you and his thumb circles your clit.

“Are you close?” 

You can’t get your lips to cooperate, to form the words, so you nod, pushing your head forward to rest on his shoulders.

“I can’t hear you,” he says, voice sinfully low.

“F-fuck you,” you manage.

He chuckles, increasing his pressure on your clit. You both know better—you won’t cum until he wants you to. “Should I stop?” he asks, though his hand continues his relentless pace. 

“No,” you huff. “P-please.”

“Please?”

“Please, sir,” you beg. “Pl—easee let me come.”

“It’s always so lovely to hear you beg.” He presses a gentle kiss just below your ear before he whispers, “Come for me.”

And **_fuck_** do you ever. Your orgasm rips through you, sending you into a deep, merciless sea of pleasure. Every thought wiped from your mind, just pleasure, just the tingling of your nerves electrifying under his touch, remorseless in how they spread that fire under your skin. He supports you as your body goes limp, steady as waves of sublimity threaten to drown you.

“Have I ever told you how fucking beautiful you are when you come for me?” 

You giggle as you regain control of your body, orgasm still tingling through your limbs. “So romantic.”

“Only for you. Turn around—I’m not through with you, yet.”

You rotate and lean forward, placing your hands on the wall in front of you. His hands trace your holes before you feel him press against your lips. As he enters, you both release heavy moans. His hands settle on your hips, holding you in place as he starts at a slow and tortuous pace, savoring the feel of your body swallowing him. 

Circling your hips against him, you hear him release a low hiss and feel as his fingers dig into the soft flesh of your hips. He takes the hint and his next thrust is harder, reaches deeper. His right hand reaches forward, snaking up and grabbing your breast. He pinches your nipple hard as he pounds into you, ruthlessly fucking you. The lewd sounds of wet skin slapping together as the water sluiced off of you, between you, only seemed to spur him on, and _fuck_ if you weren’t loving every second of it. He let go of your breast and wrapped his arm around you while the left hand dipped between your legs and started feverishly circling your clit again. His hips snap forward and a wanton groan leaves your body at his unyielding and thorough pace.

“Shit,” he grunts as you start to clench around him, your next orgasm impending. “Come.”

The subtle desperation in his voice pushes you over the edge and your body electrifies again, lurching back into him. A primal fucking moan leaves him and you feel his cock pulsing inside you. He leans forward, almost resting against your back as you come down from your high, the thrumming of electricity slowing. 

You let your arms drop, tired from holding you up, and you lean into his hold. He trails gentle kisses up your spine as he helps you stand, giving you a quick bite when he reaches your shoulder. You turn and wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him close so your own lips can trace each hard line of his face. The two of you stay like that, under the constant stream of water, for a minute, and it makes your heart flutter. You whisper your truth into his ear and his hold on you tightens. 

He doesn’t say it often—in fact, he’s only said it twice, but you both know it’s there. That doesn’t stop you from reminding him at least once a day, of reassuring him that he _is_ loved and that it isn’t changing. Instead of saying it aloud, he takes the time to kiss every mark, every scar, every perceived imperfection on your flesh. The way he touches you is almost in pure reverence like he’s worshipping you, your existence in his life.

❦

A cold winter wind whirls around you all as you approach the Vertrauen residence, subconsciously inching closer together for warmth. You step forward and barely get a single knock out before the door is pulled open. Herschel stands before you, arms wide open to greet you all. He’s about to bring you in for a hug when you shudder and he instead ushers everyone inside.

Stepping inside, you’re met with immediate warmth. In the air dances the aroma of oranges, cedarwood, and clove, luring you deeper into the house. You’re amazed at the decorations he’s placed around his dwelling—pine wreaths on each door, pine branches and painted cones delicately placed throughout the house on various surfaces, a large metal sun placed above the fireplace, and candles. 

Levi comes up behind you and helps you shrug out of your coat, having been too preoccupied with appreciating the decor to have already done so. You turn and you see everyone else taking in the splendor with similar looks of wonder.

Herschel encourages everyone to sit in the sitting room while the meal is being prepared. One of the workers brings out a tray of cured meat, cheeses, and cranberries and everyone nervously eyes Sasha. Jean carefully prepares a small plate for her and acts as a buffer between her and the food. Herschel confuses this as an act of romance, to which everyone has to stifle their laughter. Despite Jean’s deep blush, he does nothing to dispel Herschel’s misgivings, deciding that was more flattering than the truth that Sasha can turn into a monster when meat is involved.

Wine and cocktails are served, making it easier for everyone to relax. Herschel gladly listens to their stories of home, of little moments that made them smile, of their accomplishments. He praises each of them for specific qualities unique to them, taking care to recognize them as people and not just “heroes” or soldiers. 

It’s both weird and comforting to see these two worlds of yours collide so pleasantly like this. You’re reminded of your mother’s insistence growing up that Yuletide was a time for thanks and peace, and you realize that it’s because of her father.

One of the staffers comes out to announce the food is ready, and everyone stands to move to the dining room. The spread is… almost overwhelming. There’s a large pork roast with rosemary, two meat pies, sun king soup, mashed potatoes, roasted brussels sprouts with pomegranate seeds, and butternut squash and leek stuffing. There are bottles of wine and a bowl full of what you can only imagine to be wassail. Everyone takes their seats, with Hange and Herschel at either end of the table. 

After everyone’s plates are full with a little of everything and everyone has their beverage of choice, the kitchen staff comes out with glasses of their own.

The butler clears his throat and everyone’s attention shifts to him. “I would like to make a toast, if I could,” he pauses, glass raised, gauging Herschel’s reaction. When Herschel nods, he continues. “My staff here would like to make a toast to the bravery of the people before us today, without whom Wall Maria would remain titan territory. The sacrifices made to do so were innumerable and something that no one else will ever be able to truly comprehend. Thank you for your service to humanity.” 

Following the toast, they give short bows before returning to the kitchen. 

Herschel clasps his hands together as he says, “Please, dig in!”

❦

The Survey Corps arrive in Krovla at 1900 hours on the twenty-fourth of December with the mission taking place on the twenty-sixth.

Hange and Levi are both speaking with the Garrison captains to plan so that when Pixis arrives, everything will go by smoothly. The rest of you are completing hand-to-hand drills, which have gained importance since the discovery of Marley. 

You’re anxious about the new direction the Survey Corps is heading in. It’s to be expected, you suppose, that the Survey Corps, set on expansion and exploration, would be the ones to largely head the efforts against Marley. That you guys would be the ones to shoulder the responsibility of absolute reconnaissance of human enemies to Eldia. As it stands, that means you, Eren, and Mikasa are responsible for getting Connie, Sasha, Jean, Floch, and Armin up to snuff. 

Floch refuses to work with you—and it’s not like you’re complaining—so you’re currently training with Jean. He’s getting a hell of a lot better, not that he was particularly bad before. He’s about evenly matched with Eren’s strength, but their fighting styles are vastly different. While Eren favors more of a grappling technique, Jean’s better at boxing, at fighting while upright, meaning you’re focusing on getting him used to being taken down and taking someone down.

Your arms are locked with his as he tries to use his strength to overpower you. You hook your leg behind his knee and pull, causing you both to tumble. A grunt is forced out of him when his back hits the ground. You grab ahold of one of his hands and maneuver yourself to hold it between your legs. Settling your feet on the other side of his torso, you push back, his arm still firmly locked between your legs, hand still in your grasp.

“Give?” 

“Wait—what?” he asks, panic clear in his voice. Just like four years before, just like with her, you mirror her actions and lift your hips, just enough that he taps out. You release him with a satisfied huff while he cradles his elbow. “How the fuck did you do that so quickly?”

You rise and offer him a hand. “I used to train with Annie.”

His hand gladly takes yours and you help pull him up. His eyebrows knit in confusion before he says, “I don’t remember you two fighting all that much in the training corps. I mean, there was that one time—”

“Yeah. I, uh, I knew them _before_. I met them all with the refugees back in Trost, and so I used to practice hand-to-hand with her. That and, well, my dad used to teach me self-defense.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize you knew them that long,” he mumbles, scratching the back of his neck.

“Well, it’s not like I advertise it. But yeah. Anyway, we aren’t here to talk about her,” you dismiss. “You’re fine with being upright, but you need to get used to being taken to the ground. Each time I knock you down, it takes you just a second too long to think of what to do next.” 

He nods as the two of you go to get water. “I just never thought that _this_ would be the future of the Survey Corps, and I never took hand-to-hand seriously as a cadet. Even if I did, it was only ever to beat Eren.”

“I never thought I would need it for the Survey Corps, either,” you admit softly.

“Then why—?”

“I never told you, did I? No, I guess I wouldn’t have. I used to go with my mom when she’d treat people in other villages. There was one time when one of the small fishing towns had caught a stomach bug—nothing serious, but it made everyone miserable. We had stayed to help make sure everyone was getting plenty of water and to help give people ginger to settle their nausea, but by the time we were returning, it was getting late. 

“We were ambushed by four or five guys, probably sex traffickers. My mom kept a shotgun under the seat on the cart, and I grabbed it and aimed, but I was too afraid to shoot. I felt so small and helpless, even after they decided to give up. And then shortly after I met Annie, I was running outside of Trost by myself and was nearly ambushed by a different set of traffickers. Even after everything we’ve been through, after everything we’ve been forced to endure, I don’t think I’ve ever been more terrified, felt so small.”

He looks at you in stunned silence and digests what you told him. You realize that he’s probably never seriously considered what it meant to be born a woman outside of the interior. Shit, the interior used to include Wall Rose, but the last five years have done nothing but strengthen the human trafficking rings within it. 

“C’mon. You want to practice throwing, or you wanna be thrown some more?”

He gives you a half-hearted smirk before he agrees to practice being taken down to increase reaction time.

❦

After nursing some new bruises and patching up a broken nose that Mikasa gave Floch, you finally return to your quarters. It’s Levi’s birthday, but he’s still yet to tell you whether he wants anything. You’ve placed an order for tea, but it won’t arrive for a while, and it will be going to the Trost HQ. 

It’s dark, but that doesn’t say much when it gets dark so soon. Even still, you estimate another half hour until he returns.

❦

By the time he does, you’ve set up candles throughout the room while keeping the main lanterns unlit. You’ve showered, but you haven’t put anything more on than underwear and one of his shirts—you’ve found that he thoroughly enjoys when you wear his clothes or sport his lovemarks, the idea of owning you, marking you. 

You find the old fragment poetry book and start reading it on the bed, waiting for his arrival. The door opens and you delight in watching as he takes in the room before him. He tries to maintain his usual look of indifference, but you can see the burning curiosity in his eyes. 

“What is all this?” he asks, taking off his suit jacket. 

You roll off the bed and saunter over to him. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you tell him, “You never told me what you wanted for your birthday.”

His hands gently rest on your hips as he allows you to pepper kisses up his jawline. “I don’t need anything else. I already have everything I need.”

You smirk before teasing his earlobe with your tongue. “Mm, I knew you were going to say that, but I’ve decided to treat you.”

He doesn’t respond, face still stoic, but it’s there—the anticipation for whatever you have planned.

“You’re always taking care of me,” you purr, slowly removing his cravat. “I want to take care of you tonight.” His gaze flickers to your lips as you speak and you smile internally. He lets you slowly undress him, lets you caress each newly revealed inch of skin. Once his top half is exposed, he lets you lead him to the bed where you push him back.

As you step away from him, he takes the opportunity to remove his shoes and socks. You return with your scarf—the same he bought you in Orvud before the coronation. He raises an eyebrow once he sees the cloth in your hands, and you smile.

“Do you want to watch me or do you want to touch me tonight?”

His eyes flash as the corners of his lips quirk upward. Instead of giving you a verbal answer, he takes the scarf and wraps it around his eyes. Your chest swells at his display of trust, knowing he would never submit to this otherwise. 

He shudders as your hands ghost his shoulders, his chest. His hands remain at his sides, though they clench in the bedding as your tongue flicks his nipple. You take it in your mouth while your hands work on his belt, then the buttons of his pants. 

Your hands trace a path down the muscles of his chest that your mouth is quick to follow. Dipping a hand in the front of his pants, you find him hard, aching for what you have planned. You relish in the hiss that leaves his lips as you cup him, your thumb swiping across his slit, smoothing precum over the pink flesh. 

“Do I ever tell you how pretty you are? How fucking beautiful I find you?” Your strokes are slow and light, teasing him. His breath hitches slightly as you apply a little more pressure. You grin at his state, at the mixture of slight submission and the itch for _more_. Pressing a kiss to his jaw, you tighten your grip.

“I love seeing you like this,” you whisper in his ear. “So fucking beautiful.” Your thumb traces his vein and you begin to lower yourself. You hear the barest hint of a whine—and fuck if that doesn’t go straight to your cunt—when you remove your hand to pull on the waist of his pants and underwear. His cock twitches and you lick your lips while you remove him from the last of his clothes. 

You leave a trail of wet, open-mouthed kisses from the inside of his knee up his thigh as you settle on your knees before him. Out of the peripheral of your vision, you see his hand slowly search the air for your face. As he finds your face, caressing your cheek, you wrap your hand around him, alternating pressure as you stroke him. His thumb traces the curve of your cheekbone, down your jaw, before hesitating. Looking up at his face, you see a smile forming on his parted lips, chest heaving slightly. His thumb pulls down on your bottom lip, just barely, before you open your mouth and greedily suck on it. The gasp that leaves him is heaven-sent and it pushes you to pull back.

You lean forward and give him a quick bite on the inside of his hip. “Demon,” he whispers, voice raspy. 

“Your demon,” you reply as you kiss the base of his cock and give lazy strokes, slowing the pace. You flatten your tongue along his length, making your way up to the tip. Just before you take him in your mouth, you murmur, “Fuck, I love the taste of you.” 

Your tongue swirls against his head while your hand pumps him. You tease his frenulum with quick motions before you take him deeper in your mouth. His answering moan is absolutely fucking delicious, and he bucks upward. You pump him with your mouth, sucking as you take him further, deeper. You bob your head, slowly increasing your pace until you find it—his breath hitches and his hand flies into your hair. Tears form in the corners of your eyes as he hits the back of your throat and you suppress your gag reflex. You moan around him as he experimentally thrusts into you, finding a rhythm that works for the both of you.

Heady moans fall from his lips as you bring your hand to fondle his balls, and as the skin tightens and his thrusts become more sloppy, he pulls you off him with a distinct _pop!_ Before you can complain, he pulls you to him, crushing your mouth to his. His hands are urgent, pulling at his shirt on you, grabbing exposed skin. You moan into his mouth as his tongue battles yours for dominance. He pulls away briefly, allowing for you to catch your breath.

“Take these off,” he orders, voice dangerously low, sending a shiver of pleasure through you as his fingers pull at the waistband of your underwear. 

“Yes, sir,” you reply, easily obeying. Once bare, his hands trace down from your breasts to your hip before making their way to your aching core.

“Shit, you’re so wet. All this from sucking me off?” His fingers play with your lips, intentionally avoiding where you want him the most. He dips his middle finger in momentarily, gathering up your juices, before removing it and placing his finger on your lips. You eagerly suck it, loving the taste of you on him, and his answering smile is devastating.

“Yes.”

You climb into his lap and his hands settle on your hips as you kiss him. You feel him twitch against you and you lift yourself up to position him and—

_aah~!_

The two of you groan in conjunction, pressing your foreheads together as his grip turns bruising.

“Fuck, I love the way you fill me up,” you sigh, clenching your walls around him. You slowly grind against him, enjoying the feeling of him rubbing against your G-spot. He kisses you, nibbling on your bottom lip before releasing it and making his way down your neck. His teeth sink into the flesh on your shoulder and you can feel his smile when you moan, unrestricted. 

You start to move, slow, teasing, relishing in the gentle and insistent friction of him against you. It doesn’t take too long, for either of you. Your hands dig into his shoulders as his stay on your hips, guiding your movements. One of his hands snakes between you two and finds your clit. Your body starts to tremble and he takes the opportunity to flip the two of you so he can pound into you. You pull at the scarf, eager to meet his eyes. 

“Fuck, I love you,” you trill. His hips slam into you and he meets you in a sloppy kiss. It becomes overwhelming and you shriek into his mouth as your orgasm is wrenched from you, his following not too long after. He sinks on top of you, chest heaving as you idly trace your fingernails along his back. You press kisses on whatever skin of his you can find before murmuring a quiet, “happy birthday."


	45. The Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I kiss you_   
>  _and_   
>  _on your lips_   
>  _I taste the_   
>  _sea_   
>  _and the_   
>  _sea_   
>  _has always been_   
>  _home_   
>  _to me._   
> 
> 
> Tyler Knott Gregson, "Salt" 

It’s been four days since the Executioner from Hell has last gone off. The Garrison and Survey Corps still survey Wall Rose, still have their sights out towards Wall Maria. So far, there have been no titan sightings, though it’s hard to tell with the steady snowfall and significantly limited visibility.

The plan has shifted to have the Garrison conduct excursions to detect titan presence once the snow begins to melt, though you agree with Hange’s assessment that the titans will have been largely wiped out by the time spring arrives. Titans move slower in the winter, but you still believe that the earlier efforts to lure titans south were mostly successful.

In the meantime, soldiers from the north are being forced to train in the south under Pixis to ensure the successful recapture of Wall Maria as quickly as possible. The incident in Orvud District only proved how ineffectual they were against titan threats, posing a serious disadvantage with the near obliteration of the Survey Corps. 

Hange and Armin have taken to looking into the gear left behind by the First Interior and the Anti-Personnel Control Squads to create new weaponry. It’s clear that Hange misses Moblit and the rest of their team, but that’s to be expected. The ghosts of your comrades seem to follow all of you, but you must persevere. You have to carry their strength, their sacrifice and make sure that they meant something. That it wasn’t for naught. 

In the meantime, your team has gotten incredibly proficient at hand-to-hand. Outside of canvassing, that’s largely how you all spend your days. This winter is too cold and there’s only so much you _can_ do with only ten Scouts in total. Jean and Connie are both frustrated that they can never seem to get an edge on you, but it doesn’t help when you trained them, or when you have an enhanced sense of awareness to keep you safe. Regardless, you’re incredibly proud of their progress, even when they hate you for pushing them further, making them work harder.

Sasha’s agreed to teach you archery on the days that there’s no snowfall, which you’re greatly appreciative of. So far, you fucking suck at it, but it keeps your mind from wandering, from ruminating and lingering on what was. You struggle with your hand placement, anchoring, and holding, but it’s a little gratifying to see Sasha take on the role as educator and yell at you for mishandling the equipment. You make it up to her by offering her portions of Herschel’s care packages for you.

❦

Despite the constant onslaught of snow in January and the beginning of February, the snow melted the week before the vernal equinox. The Garrison and Survey Corps completed the 58th expedition and found a total of four stragglers, dealt with by veterans, resulting in no casualties. By the next week, the Mission to Rebuild Wall Maria started in earnest.

The Survey Corps are largely stationed in the southern region, though the previous headquarters from six years ago have been turned into a pile of rubble. While jobs are plentiful in construction throughout Wall Maria, there’s still the problem of acknowledging the fact that the ~~Mission to Retake Wall Maria~~ culling eliminated able-bodied adults belonging to Wall Maria. There are talks of granting Wall Maria citizenship to those living in the Underground, but you doubt that such a plan would go into effect within the near future. 

You find out the hard way that you can’t return to Shiganshina unless absolutely necessary. While your battle fatigue had otherwise been showing signs of improvement and you and Levi had found healthy coping mechanisms, returning to Shiganshina proved to be vital to your regression. Stepping foot inside the city borders resulted in near immediate mental breakdowns as the ghosts of your past would swarm your mind.

The team tried to be supportive, but it was obvious that it was rough on them. It wasn’t until you projected on multiple of them during a particularly bad nightmare of Shiganshina that you were excused from returning unless absolutely necessary. According to Levi, Jean, Connie, and Hange had all tried to wake you from a nightmare when he was gone, and you had shown them the vivid reality that was the first Shiganshina attack _and_ the conflict on the roof while trying to determine who would inherit the Colossal Titan. 

Instead, you focus your attention on helping rebuild the communities between Wall Rose and Wall Maria. You are one of the only soldiers alive who has intimate knowledge of this region, most of them having perished during the events of ~~the last six years~~ the past year. In your interviews with the refugees who will be returning to your region, you find that a lot of them are deeply traumatized on a multitude of levels—nightmares, insomnia, depression and anxiety. You relate to them as they describe having vivid flashbacks and panic attacks. Many of them are malnourished, though that’s a surprise to exactly no one. Historia and Zackly approve your suggestion to start having the lands set up for farming again, specifically for fruits and vegetables, much to Sasha’s chagrin. Luckily, the interior has access to a wide variety of seeds, and plenty of gardeners and botanists to commission to guarantee best chances for success. 

While the Shiganshina Military Headquarters are being rebuilt, you suggest to Hange that the Survey Corps remains outside of the city, just as it had in Trost. There are plenty of villages available that would make for great communities for Scouts and their families, especially since the populations for some villages had been completely wiped out years prior. They consider it, and you hope they allow it because you aren’t sure what you’ll do if you’re forced to return to Shiganshina full time. 

Herschel retires and moves to Trost, wanting to be closer to his last living relative while maintaining some level of luxury. As the Scouts frequently travel back and forth between Trost and Shiganshina, you’re surprised at how many stop by and visit with him. It’s heartwarming, considering the fates of their families. 

Armin will talk to him about literature and philosophy as Herschel gladly lets Armin go through his library. He always makes sure to have food ready for Connie and Sasha, making certain to have extra for the latter. Jean actually introduces his mom to Herschel, and he gladly shares old family recipes with her. Once, when you stop by, you see the three of them. You reassure Jean that you think it’s sweet and nothing to be embarrassed by—because fuck only knows what you’d give to hug your parents again. Herschel eggs you on to sing with him while he plays one of your mom’s songs for them and you reluctantly agree, effectively entering a pact that neither of you will tell anyone else of this. Even Mikasa will occasionally join Herschel and embroider while he plays for her. 

It’s achingly domestic and sweet and you relish the little moments like this. Your soul aches for the simplicity of enjoying each other’s company like this, and you make a silent promise to yourself that you will do everything in your power to make this happen for them. A day, sometime in the future, when you all can enjoy each other with no fear of titans or a world that wants you dead.

* * *

#### Summer 851

The 105th Cadet Corps was minimal given the events of the previous year. There had been a number of casualties during the Battle of Trost, and an even greater number of cadets reported missing following the reports of titans having breached Wall Rose. Of the remaining cadets, all had joined the Survey Corps.

In addition to that, there was a mass exodus of soldiers from the Garrison transferring to the Survey Corps. They had no longer viewed it as “joining the winning team,” such as the last recruitment drive, but as necessary to best ensure Eldia’s chances of survival. 

As the entire veteran population of the Survey Corps had been wiped out, it was up to Levi Squad to train everyone in preparation for the 59th expedition—the one you had seen a year prior. Floch was seen almost as a lieutenant for Eren, as he only had the one mission as experience. Regardless, you were impressed with how he had lost his attitude regarding the Survey Corps and was treating the entire process with deadly seriousness and sobriety. 

A week before the 59th expedition, Hange announced the approval of your earlier suggestion. There was a village that had seen no returning population, and the military had been sent to start construction on a new Scouts Headquarter just outside of Shiganshina. Construction wouldn’t be done for a while, but you no longer had to commute from Trost for the sake of your sanity.

Each soldier has to officially apply for separate housing if they choose to live outside of the upcoming headquarters. You aren’t entirely sure what you want to do, whether you wanted to stay in the temporary cabin you were assigned to until it was finished, or whether you’d like to stay in HQ, but that would be something you’d figure out later. You are already basically living with Levi, but you aren’t really interested in having that conversation just yet, not when you’re trying to emotionally prepare yourself for getting through Shiganshina without having an anniversary reaction.

Armin has spent innumerable hours with you at this point, talking about everything that’s happened, talking about how their deaths affected you, how you’ve been largely avoiding using your ability because being in the Coordinate is hard for you after everything that’s happened. 

The night before the mission, the survivors gather together and drink to the memories of the fallen. You all share stories, memories with those who are missed, and it helps. You’re not alone in this. It’s an important reminder.

❦

There’s a soft summer breeze that pushes past you all on top of the Wall. The sun is low in the morning sky, but it’s probably better that way—you don’t know how long it will take for you all. You’re bringing equipment to stay beyond the Walls, but even still, it’s best to start as early as possible. 

Funny. To think that six years ago you were _itching_ , begging, pleading for this opportunity, and now you’re… ambivalent about it. You figure that’ll change when you get past the Walls, once you’re far enough away that you’re able to forget how they stand tall as both pen and protector for the Eldians, but for now, each step you take here feels like lead.

You yearn for the day when you can walk these Walls without remembering screaming at Reiner, hugging Armin goodbye, being pushed off the Wall by your father, wishing Erwin farewell. The day when you can walk the streets without seeing blood and boulders smeared across the cityscape, without hearing your parents call for you after having slapped that shit Hugh, or without caressing them for the last time. It’ll come, but for now, it’s like missing a limb—aching, raw, exigent.

The lifts are ready for you all. The horses are patiently waiting to be carried down, and there’s steady elation making its way throughout the soldiers atop the Wall. There’s nary a titan to be seen, but you’re all prepared nonetheless. Sasha, Connie, and Jean are excitedly chatting amongst themselves, savoring the experience of being here and being able to enjoy it. Seeing them like this stirs something in you, something reminiscent of how you used to feel. 

While Eren and Mikasa are as solemn as you, Armin’s joy is something you want to nurture. He’s been through so much, has had his life essentially stripped from him as he’s now cursed with only another twelve years. You’re all going to have a shit fucking time ahead of you with Marley, but it’s important that you all value the little moments in between.

You step onto the lift with your team and you feel the bubble of anticipation—or is it anxiety?—under your skin. Levi’s hand brushes yours, but all you can focus on is the expanding land ahead. It’s just as you had seen years ago—lush green landscape, rolling hills, spread out vegetation, and distant mountains. The sky is a clear blue with fluffy clouds slowly drifting throughout. 

It’s—freedom. Unadulterated. Unrestrained. Expansive. It’s here— **you’re** here.

You all approach your horses, eagerly waiting for you. It’s been years for them, too. Guinevere whinnies at your gentle touch and you press a kiss to the spine of her nose. It’s not Erwin she’s riding with this time, but he’s with the both of you all the same. You mount once the remaining Scouts arrive, and just like in your vision, you take off.

Taking up Erwin’s long-range scouting formation—a scarce version of it anyway—, you spread out. You and Levi ride up front with Hange, close enough to hear Levi confirm Hange’s hypothesis about the titans. You already know their command before they give it—you’re making it to the sea. 

The way the horses are running indicates they’ve longed for this kind of peaceful excursion, to be outside the Walls again. Honestly? You can’t blame them. It smells different out here. Not claustrophobic. Natural… If green had a smell associated with it, you could only imagine that this is it. You could drown in this experience. The deeper you get, the more wildlife you see.

You’ll take this. You’ll take this any fucking day.

You don’t even care when you see it, when you fire off your flare. You slow. Just like with Connie’s mom, just like with Rod’s titan, its body is too large and its limbs too small. Just like in your vision, the path behind it has been long forfeited, lush grass growing where he had burned through. You dismount, despite Levi and Hange’s warnings. If they want to reprimand you later, they can.

You approach the titan. Even if you weren’t a Verite, you doubt this titan would otherwise acknowledge you. Placing a gentle hand on its forehead, you peer into what brought it here.

_Anger, so much anger. A child being kicked to death, beaten to death, and the anguish is overwhelming. The man picks up a rock and throws it at the officer, hitting the mark._

_The man was tied, bound, as he was forced to kneel atop the Wall before the sand dunes. He feels fear, absolute terror as the needle punctures his skin and a white-hot blast consumes his body as he falls._

“This poor man,” you murmur. The mid-center rank has caught up, Eren similarly dismounting, similarly feeling sympathy for ‘a fellow patriot’.

Mounting Guinevere again, you wait for Hange to call for everyone to continue. They’re curious—old habits die hard—but now’s not the time for it. You catch the eyes of several recruits, staring at you in wonder, almost the same way they revere Eren. There’s nothing to be afraid of from the titans, as far as you’re concerned. Nothing but pity and sympathy. 

“Let’s keep going,” Hange calls as they direct the Scouts to follow the trail left behind.

❦

After climbing a particularly steep hill, you see the abundant hills of sand. The grass teeters off, mingling with the dusty terrain until all that’s left is the tan, the beige. It’s becoming increasingly hot, the sand acting as a perfect reflector for the sun’s heat, but you persevere.

_There._

The large rocks that had been distantly lining this terrain have curved just so, encouraging you all to change direction slightly to the right. Just beyond them, a wall. Familiar because of your vision, familiar because of his memories. This is where your people are sentenced to an existence of pain for the crime of being born, of wanting more than whatever shitty existence Marley has to offer them.

But you can smell it, just barely. There’s salt in the air, a tang simultaneously familiar and unfamiliar. It’s different, experiencing it like this, this sensation. Stronger, more brilliant, more lucid. You push Guinevere harder, just a little more, just to the end of the wall. 

You feel Hange’s eyes on your back, but you know what they see, what _you_ see. Sure enough, there’s the rocky landscape. A bit further and there’s the trail. You grin, waiting, wanting. The sky seems clearer as you ascend, the air lighter, despite the pungent smell of the sea. The breeze that caresses your face is cooler, almost biting in the particulates that land on the skin of your cheeks. 

It’s greater than you had seen before. Words cannot describe what it is to see it yourself, with your own eyes and not through the use of your gift. All of your anticipation, your excitement, your fear, your anxiety, all of it leaves you. All that remains is awe. The crashing of the waves against the rocks sounds like home. 

_This. This is what you’ve been searching for your entire life. This is what you’ve been missing._

You look over at Levi and smile at the absolute astonishment that is on his face. He feels your gaze on him and turns. This, with him, is everything to you. You smile at him, love cascading from every atom, every molecule, every single component of you. 

Without waiting, you dismount and climb down the rocks to the sea. Just before you reach the sandy bottom, you remove your boots and gear and roll up your pants. If you’re going to do this, you’re going to do this _right_. You’re going to feel and experience as much of this as you can. There’s talking, shouting behind you, but you don’t care. Months, shit, _years_ of stable duty will be worth it to just experience this, to be alive in this moment. 

The sand is hot against your feet, shifting around your toes as you run. Your movements are a little sloppy, your physical body unused to sand. The closer you get to the water, the denser the sand becomes, the easier it is for you to move. 

The tide is slow in its ascent up the shore, and when it finally hits you, swallowing your ankles, your calves, you shriek at the cold, but make no move to leave. If anything, you step forward until the water is up to your thighs. With each push and pull of the sea, the sand beneath your feet swirls, almost tugging you in, burying you, anchoring you to this point. 

This is

Home.

Armin calls to you, only about knee-deep, and you see your emotions mirrored in his smile. You slosh your way over to him and wrap your arms around him.

“We made it.”

You turn back to the expansive waves of blue, caressing you, pulling you, calling to you. Serenity. That’s what this is. The sounds of the waves crashing, landing, lapping lulls you. Soothes you. You should feel overwhelmed right now—there’s so much that calls to your attention—but with each swell of the ocean, tranquility washes over you again and again and again.

Everything is focused on this singular moment, on the sensations cradling your body, your being. The water is no longer cold to you, but comforting, entirely, in how it surrounds you, engulfs you. The salt in the air makes you thirsty, chaps your lips, but fuck it. There’s the distant sound of gulls laughing, and the constant sound of the sea as it dances with the shore. 

Turning to Armin, you see him clutching a small shell. It’s white, apparently hollow. Mikasa is trying to join you two, a nervous smile tugging at her lips. You respond with your own reassuring grin and let her take your place as you go to find Levi. Connie and Sasha splash one another while Jean drinks the water. Fuck, you love these guys, your family. Hange shouts in excitement before noticing dark purple things buried in the sand beneath the waves. Levi shouts a warning at them from further up the shore—placed firmly beyond where the sand is wet.

“You don’t want to join?” you ask as you approach. His eyes rake over you, taking in how your wet pants cling even more to your form, how the bottom of your blouse is wet. “Ah. It’s too dirty, isn’t it?”

He doesn’t respond, but you get it. It’s more than just too dirty, something bigger than that, but you don’t want to push. 

“Can I kiss you?” The question sounds silly coming out of your mouth, but you want to be clear, want his permission.

“Tch. That’s a stupid question,” he mutters, taking a step forward. He caresses your cheek as you wrap your arms around his neck. He doesn’t like public displays of affection, especially not with the recruits here, but he’ll grant you this. The kiss is soft, tender, full of overwhelming and consuming love, so much so that you’re certain you’ll burst with it. 

He pulls away, and you wonder if the slight pink on his cheeks are from exposure to the sun or something much sweeter. “You taste like salt.”

“And to think it’s a rare treat inside the Walls when just being here covers you in it,” you tease. You move so you’re standing by his side, watching the Scouts interact with the sea. The breeze is cool and constant and sends shivers up your spine as it mingles with your wet flesh.

All of this is perfect. 

“Thank you for being here with me,” you tell him, eyes focused on the horizon. “For letting me love you. For loving me.”

This is good.

Fulfilling. 

This is—

a box? A little black box that can fit in your hand?

You turn to Levi, question unasked, and, under his cool mask, you see apprehension.

“Open it.”


	46. Building the Nation of Eldia **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _borders_   
>  _are man-made_   
>  _they only divide us physically_   
>  _don't let them make us_   
>  _turn on each other_   
> 
> 
> Rupi Kaur, "we are not enemies" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **S4 Spoilers - From this point forward, we are entering into the Marley and War for Paradis arcs. There will be spoilers for anyone who hasn't caught up with the manga or who is waiting to watch the anime. Please proceed with caution.

“... I think you broke her. What did you _do_?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“None—NONE? None of my business?!”

“Tch. Go drink saltwater, Shitty Glasses.”

A frustrated huff, then subtle shifting of sand.

“... FLOCH! Bring me a bag! I want to bring some of this stuff back to Shiganshina!”

“Sir!”

“Finally. Are you okay? You haven’t said anything or moved from this spot in a while.”

A sigh. Nudge. 

“Listen. I know we haven’t talked about it, and I didn’t plan for it to happen here, but—”

“There was a plan?” 

“Not really.”

“Why?”

Your voice seems disembodied as you try to figure out what the _fuck_ happened. 

There was a box pushed into your hands. You opened it and it was a silver ring, a simple band. 

What?

“The world has become infinitely more dangerous and our enemies have only grown in numbers. There are too many unknown variables. I don’t want this to be one of them.”

But—you aren’t an unknown. It is very known. Clear. Right?

“You don’t have to give me an answer right now, but think about it.”

Why is it so hard to breathe?

* * *

#### One Week Later - Survey Corps’ Wall Maria Community

You hadn’t responded yet. Not officially. He’s stayed by your side this entire time, patiently waiting for an answer.

You aren’t even sure why you are hesitating, but the more you think about it, the more you understand. Your position in the world has become more precarious. That naïve hope that once captured your heart is getting smaller and smaller—you’ll still fight with everything you have to get to that point, that place where you and your family can live peacefully, but each passing day sees that dream slipping further away. The least you can do now is enjoy momentary peace, momentary happiness while it’s here, right? 

You trust him, love him unquestionably. The two of you have a solid foundation of communication, and he supports you when you need it most. But… were you there for him? You weren’t sure, but perhaps you could spend the rest of your days doing that? Being there for him, because fuck only knows how he’s been there for you in everything that’s happened in the last year. 

He mentions in passing a desire to have his own place to live, separate from the HQ, so you formulate your answer in an application for a separate residence, needing his signature. Because after everything, there’s no one else you’d rather do this with, no one else you’d want to pursue your dream with.

Today, Hange has everyone helping out in Shiganshina. Sasha has stayed behind with you to help fix fences necessary for animal agriculture, but you still manage to finish before the team comes back. She’s forbidden you from using her bow and arrows, so instead, you take pointers from her on how to be a better shot with some of the Anti-Personnel Control Squad rifles. They’re much more sophisticated than those used in the Cadet Corps or those found in Trost, much more of a recoil, but Sasha still managed to master them quickly. 

“You suck at follow-through.”

“Thanks, Sasha.”

“We shouldn’t even be practicing like this.”

“And why’s that?”

Aim.  
Trigger.

Off by a couple centimeters. Dammit.

“Because it’s too calm here. It doesn’t really compare to battlefield conditions,” she says while eating an apple.

You stop aiming to look at her. “You do remember that I have just as much battle experience as you, right?”

“Yeah, but not as a marksman.” She laughs at your deadpan before you hear the whinnying of returning horses. You lower the rifle, finger removed from the trigger. “Guess that means we’re done? Does that mean I won’t get the food Herschel’s sent?”

You snort and shake your head as you unload the gun. “A word once given, Sash. I already agreed to give it to you. Just ‘cause we aren’t finishing this session doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give you what was already promised.” 

She latches herself onto you, cradling your head with one hand while holding her apple with the other. “OH, YOU PERFECT WOMAN!”

She lets go of you and you make your way to the rest of Levi Squad. They look exhausted, dirt smudged on their clothes and their shoulders sagging.

“That bad, eh?” You ask a passing Jean and Connie. 

“Maybe we should have stayed and helped you with the farmwork,” Connie remarks before sitting on a pile of stacked firewood. “They had us moving around a bunch of lumber and bricks for houses. We had to carry that shit all around town.”

“Wait—does that mean Shiganshina HQ is done?”

“Yeah. Just need to fill it with furniture now,” he sighs. 

“Huh. I wonder whether they’ll let us focus on building _our_ HQ now?” you wonder. It’s… steady. Most of the resources and labor are focused on the cities, but there are a handful of ~~recruits~~ Scouts that used to work with the Corps of Engineers who’ve been helping with the construction, but it’s nowhere near ready for full use yet.

You see Levi and Hange head towards the building and you leave Connie to talk to Levi.

“Hey, I, uh, before you go, can we talk?”

Hange looks at you both with blatant curiosity, indicating he _hasn’t_ shared any of this with them. Which is weird because they talk about everything, but perhaps he was nervous about your reaction? Worried about talking to them about this until there was a definitive answer?

“Go. I’ll meet with you in a little bit,” he tells Hange.

They look like they want to say something, but decide better of it and leave. He lets you lead him to the cabin you’ve been staying in and doesn’t say anything when you start going through your files.

“I need you to sign this,” you say when you find the form you need, buried by reports on the progress of your work with the villages. You turn and find him with his arms crossed, looking a little disappointed. It’s understandable. You don’t blame him. 

You hand it to him and he sighs, eyes glossing over it.

“Listen—I’m not certain why I hesitated, but I was just caught off guard.”

“Don’t.” His response is curt, carefully trying to hide his emotions as he starts to actually read the application.

“No, let me finish. I want to do this with you. I want to be your partner, your—” you can’t even finish because he’s tossed the paper and has grabbed your face with both of his hands, bringing you in for a harsh kiss. Teeth and tongue and passion and relief. 

He pulls back, eyes intent on you. “Say it,” he commands, though the emotions, the insecurity, he was trying to hide earlier is carefully laced within.

“I’m yours, for as long as you want me,” you whisper before he crushes his lips to yours again.

* * *

#### Three Weeks Later

_A blast of cold, salty air hits you in the face as you climb the jutting rocks. There’s… a boat? In the water? But it’s massive, much larger than anything you’ve ever seen before. But the sea is much larger than any other body of water, so it makes sense that the boats that would sail on it would be larger, too._

_Your team is waiting in the shadows of the rocks, guns and blades ready. Why?_

_The boat starts to come out of the water, lifted by giant hands belonging to Eren’s titan. He begins to walk it over, struggling under the weight of it. The sound of him setting it down is deafening, and a glance through your periscope reveals men, dressed in black vests with white pants. Who are they?_

You wake in a cold sweat, uncertain of what that was. Was that a dream? Or a vision? Your heart is pounding in your chest as you try to make sense of what exactly you are feeling. What the fuck?

Wiggling out from Levi’s hold, you roll out of bed. A drink sounds like a great fucking idea right now, but you know you shouldn’t be drinking with your battle fatigue. Instead, you’ll make some lavender tea. Herschel managed to send you some honey, and you’ve kept it away from Sasha. It complements the floral aspects of the tea, but both are rarities and you hold off on using it too often.

The kettle whistles and you quickly remove it from the stovetop, wanting to make sure not to wake Levi, if it hadn’t already. You step outside, cup in hand, and breathe in the early morning notes of the community around you. 

There’s still probably an hour or two until sunrise, meaning that what little cold that summer nights can offer is still lingering among the nearby forest. Its cold tendrils reach out towards you, being at the edge of the town. In contrast to the warmth of the tea, it’s pacifying.

That peace that you found by visiting the sea has nearly evaporated, and all that is left is an incredible sense of anxiety and foreboding. You feel like your dream is slipping further away, despite taking this step with Levi. Despite moving forward with him, you feel like the world is stuck behind, trapped in an old mentality by outdated information. 

You can’t speak for everyone here, but the goal of all your friends here is peace. All they want is peace. Peace from the titans. Peace from Marley’s aggressions. But they’re too consumed by the history of your ancestors to bother looking at who you are now. Everyone is capable of being a monster, and yet you all are predetermined by the rest of the world to _be_ monsters for having been born to this bloodline. 

What of their monstrosities? Of sending those children to fight, to kill? Of making Bertolt kick in the gate of Shiganshina? Of making Annie kill countless Survey Corpsmen to find Eren? Of making Reiner betray the friends he had here? Surely they had to see that not all of you were monsters. Surely they had to see that you all hadn’t an inkling of the truth of what you were.

But that nag, that voice in the back of your mind won’t shut up. Won’t stop telling you that somethings coming. Something—

“Hey.”

You up, over your shoulder. Humming in response, you bring your cup to your lips and finish what little of your tea you had left. 

“Nightmare?” he asks, sitting down next to you.

“Something like that,” you mumble, resting your head on his shoulder. 

“You weren’t projecting, so that’s something.”

You breathe out a humorless chuckle. “Suppose so.”

“Do you think it was the future?”

“I—I’m not sure. It didn’t feel like it, but then again it’s been a while since I’ve used my ability. Consciously, anyway. Maybe I’m losing my touch?”

“Tch. I doubt it. Show me.”

He presses his lips to your forehead and you bring up the memory.

* * *

#### The Coordinate

_You can’t see her… anywhere. Maybe she’s near the Source? You make your way forward, searching. The closer you get, you hear the gentle scraping and the soft slapping of wet sand._

_There._

_She’s currently repairing a body, but you’re… it’s not familiar to you._

**_OH._ **

_This must be one of **them** , one of the Warriors Bertolt had told you about. Why were they using their abilities, at least, enough of them to warrant ending up here? Getting closer, you see him._

_He can’t be much taller than you. His hair is almost honey-colored in a styled undercut and his face… reminds you of someone you saw in a dream once. Or perhaps… a memory?_

_She doesn’t look up at you, nor does she speak._

_**“Is he one of the others?”**_

  
_She still doesn’t say anything, but she offers a small nod._  


_**“Do you know which one?”**_

**“No. He’s new. This is the first time I’m seeing him, though I created a titan body for him.”**

  
_Huh. Interesting. You wonder what Marley is doing, what’s happening for this change to happen, for it to be necessary. Are they planning another attack? With the **other** titans? No. You don’t have time to worry about that. Maybe later, but not now._  


_**“I have to go, Ymir, but I’ll be back,”** you tell her, giving her a soft pat on the head._

  
_She offers a quick glance your way and a small smile. It feels… forced? Almost? You’ll ask about that next time, too._  
  


❦

“So? What’s the verdict, Captain?” 

“Tch,” he tuts at you as you look up at him. “We’ll tell Hange when they wake up. Looks like we’ll need to make another excursion to the sea.”

He stands and offers his hand for you. You take it without hesitation. 

The two of you go back into the cabin, where Levi warms up bread and soup while you look over the reports you need to submit. He brings the food to you before returning to the kitchenette to make his tea.

“How much longer ‘till Hange approves the application?” you ask absentmindedly, initialing parts of Sasha’s report, preparing it for submission to Pixis. 

“It’s not that,” he replies, bringing his cup to sit at the table with you. “Hange wants to give us the opportunity to choose.”

“I’m sorry—what?” 

“I didn’t let them throw a celebration, so this is the compromise. They made sure we have Thursday off together to look.”

Oh. “How do you feel about that?”

He looks at you curiously before sipping his tea. “Better we get to choose someplace rather than get stuck in a shitty cabin like this.”

You chuckle before returning to your paperwork.

* * *

#### The Following Week - The Sea

Hange decides that your dream and experience in the Coordinate is enough to warrant a prolonged encampment near the beach. Zackly gives Hange the ‘okay’ to treat any hostiles with whatever force is deemed necessary, prompting you all to bring, well, near everything.

At the moment, you’re one of the Scouts responsible for lookout this night. You’ve been here for about three days now without any signs of that boat from your dream or any other vessel. You’re starting to think that perhaps it was just a dream after all, not a premonition, nothing special, but Levi’s confident in your ability. 

“Trust your gut. It hasn’t been wrong yet.”

But you aren’t sure _what_ your gut is telling you—the logical voice in your head is too loud, too insistent, second-guessing. This isn’t just the Warriors you’re dealing with, but an entire civilization that wants you dead. You don’t know them like you knew Annie or Bertolt or Reiner.

_There. In the distance._

Perhaps you’re wrong and are just focusing on the wrong things.

You take out your periscope and scan the horizon. There it is. The boat you saw in your dream. Massive, two tall structures billowing smoke towards the sky, with too many little figures for you to count. Shit. Lowering your periscope, you turn to signal to your team down below until something in the water catches your eye. You look through your periscope again and see a little wooden boat making its way to the shore slowly with only six or seven passengers.

Shit.

You flash the light thrice to the encampment, signalling Hange to wake the others and convene at your location. It takes no time at all for them to arrive, and you point out the small boat and everyone gets into position to intercept it once they dock. 

It’s six men, dressed as they were in your dream. Despite being armed, they’re completely shocked to find you there, waiting. The leader of this party seems to be a blonde man named Niccolo, meaning Hange and Levi take particular… _interest_ in him. The rest of you easily subdue the rest of his men while Hange tries to come up with some great skit to invite the crew of the larger boat to come and talk.

Levi and you both scoff at this, but you’re more inclined to humor Hange, interested to see how this will play out. 

It’s nearly two hours before Eren is in position and transforms. The boat makes an eerie creaking sound as it’s slowly lifted out of the water, Eren carefully lifting it to reduce strain to his titan. He sloshes forward, displacing seawater and creating massive waves that crash against the land. Once he reaches land, the thundering of his footsteps reverberates throughout the cove. He sets it down on the land, firmly placed so it’s of no use to anyone, the shudders of the earth reaching you even hundreds of meters away. 

Hange jumps out from behind a rock to greet the men on board and you step close, rifle in hand. 

“Welcome to the island of Paradis! I am Hange! I’m here to receive our distinguished guests who’ve come here from oh-so-far across the sea! Your long voyage must have left you tired! Come—why not join us for a cup of tea?”

Levi glances at you when you snort, blade pressed firmly to Niccolo’s back. He brings Niccolo forward to Hange to trigger the next part of their charade. Sure enough—

“CAPTAIN! Don’t mind me! Just shoot these damned devils!”

The captain responds, spewing outrage and prejudice that serves only to remind you of how difficult your goal of peace really is. He raises his rifle to aim at Hange at the same time that you raise yours to him, and before either of you can shoot, one of his soldiers shoots him. Another Marleyan soldier yells at them—their name apparently being ‘Yelena’—while other soldiers aboard turn on each other. 

Within minutes, the weapons are tossed overboard and the soldiers kneel with their hands behind their heads. Yelena removes their helmet and greets Hange.

“Hange—I’m honored to receive your invitation. Now, how about that tea?”

There’s a painful twist in your gut, not quite a warning, but not quite something you can ignore. You keep your rifle trained on her as she turns to Eren’s titan and says something to him that you can’t hear.

❦

Having taken them to the encampment, the Scouts secure the unwilling Marleyans while the “Anti-Marleyan Volunteers” are taken elsewhere to be interrogated. You, Hange, and Levi are currently meeting with two of them—their leaders? Yelena, a beautifully androgynous individual, and Onyankopon, with careful yet hopeful eyes that draw you in.

You feel… at ease? with him, almost like you had with Erwin. But these circumstances are vastly different. Now, you’re sitting across from someone who arrived in a boat full of known enemies with technology _far_ superior to your own. Beside him is Yelena, someone with pretty words and half-truths and who makes the voice in the back of your mind scream to not trust. 

They relinquish their weapons so that you three can analyze them. Levi’s feigning disinterest in them because he’s on edge just as you are, but Hange’s in open wonderment. Onyankopon explains the specifications of the weapons while Yelena enjoys her tea. 

You’re examining the gun Yelena had killed her superior with when she starts to explain the widespread use of the gun. Handing it to Hange, you focus your attention on the blonde. 

“That’s a standard kit for a Marleyan soldier. Each of the army’s divisions consists of about twenty-thousand soldiers. With fifty divisions in total, that comes out to about a million soldiers.”

Shit. Marley has more soldiers in their _army_ than all of Eldia has in _civilians._

She goes on to outline their naval capabilities before moving to their aerial forces, and considering Hange’s slack-jawed look, Onyankopon elaborates. You and Levi let it sink in with calm demeanors while Hange becomes visibly distressed. 

“If Marley has all that power, why has a year passed without them launching a proper attack on us?”

You clear your throat, eyes trained on your commander, and they realize they’re still standing, giving away just how unequipped Eldia is for this war against Marley.

Yelena begins to explain that the pure titans released on the island were meant to terrorize the population within the Walls, but also inadvertently served to prevent a ground assault. Which is why the Warriors and Grisha were able to make their way through—they were of the Nine, able to transform and protect themselves in ways that the rest of the world was not.

“But—day is about to break. The titans should be active again soon. So if you’re content to sit here drinking tea beyond the Walls, that means you’ve killed all the pure titans on the island. Isn’t that right?”

Hange looks shocked, while Levi’s eyes imperceptibly narrow.

“We’ve had titans threatening our existence for one hundred years. We’ve spent those hundred years learning how to kill them. How to survive,” you answer coolly, the first time you’ve said anything since this delegation began. “How else do you think we defeated Marley’s Warriors? How else do you think we beat back the Beast Titan?” 

The flash of anger in her eyes soothes that little nag that hasn’t shut up this entire time. She’s been sent by Zeke. Huh. Turbulence grows in your perception of the people before you, the soldiers that are kneeling outside.

“Would you try to inform Marley?” Levi asks, the barest hint of a threat lingering beneath his words.

“No. It’s amazing that you’ve been able to do so. I’m in awe of your capabilities,” she says, eyes hesitant to leave you.

“What’s the second reason that Marley hasn’t launched an attack?”

She explains there’s a war that Marley is embroiled in because of the defeat of the Warriors, the absence of Bertolt and Annie. That explains the man you saw in the Coordinate. Does that mean… He must be the one to have eaten Ymir, taken back her titan. They would need it if they needed to utilize the Power of the Titans.

“Marley is a nation with many enemies. Other countries came together in the blink of an eye and then the war began.”

“So that means your group isn’t loyal to Marley. You have a grudge against it. You infiltrated the army to act as something like sleeper agents. Am I right?”

Their stunned silence and wide eyes are all the confirmation they need, and you’re not certain if this makes you more or less at ease with their presence on your island. Yelena corrects them and explains the forced conscription and the previous failed attempts at organizing until Zeke’s appearance in her life.

“We shot our officers under orders from Zeke Yeager.”

Fan-fucking-tastic. 

“Our goal is to free the Eldian people.”

“Is that why he murdered so many of us?” you bite, anger overcoming you. It had been a while since he crossed your mind, entered your nightmares, but your flesh still remembered the torment he caused. 

“He did it to maintain his cover in Marley.”

That doesn’t make it any better.

* * *

#### One Week Later - Trost Military Courthouse

“Zeke Yeager’s requests are as follows: Accept him onto the island of Paradis for the remainder of the time he has left. Introduce him to the soldier in possession of the Founding Titan, his brother. In return, he will guarantee Paradis’ safety. He will provide us with the latest technology and will act as a mediator between us and friendly nations, which he claims exist. Finally, he will provide support for intelligence activities against Marley.”

Officers from both the Military Police and the Garrison begin shouting their objections and it reminds you when you found out Grisha’s truth. Zackly pounds his gavel, calling for order. He reminds the room that Marley’s goal has always been to gain control of the Founding Titan, that stealing it by force did not work and subversion is on the table. 

“According to Zeke, there is still a secret plan that can be carried out that will solve all of the Eldian people’s problems at once. But in order to carry out this secret plan, he needs the Founding Titan and a titan with royal blood. He can only reveal his secret plan after these conditions are met.”

No. Not necessarily. You… you are living proof of that.

_Don’t tell them that._

The scraping of a chair behind you draws your attention to Eren, now standing. “It’s true. I remember now. The one time I was able to activate the powers of the Founding Titan was in the moment I touched a titan with royal blood.” He explains who Dina Fritz was and how she was Zeke’s mother, how it offered a loophole in the vow renouncing war, a guarantee that it _could_ be used. He makes no mention of you, though his eyes flicker to you for a second before Zackly asks why he hadn’t come forth with the information sooner.

“I was concerned about Historia. I couldn’t allow her to become a titan based only on my own uncertain information.” 

He knew it was certain, but it remains the same—they nearly cost _you_ , someone far less important, your freedom. It would have been worse for Historia. Now that it’s on the table, you’re concerned about it, about what they’ll do.

“It makes sense—Zeke’s secret plan this way.”

_No._

“Are you insane?! You’re just going to trust _them?”_

“No. But do you have an alternative for how we become ready to face Marley, or the rest of the world?” you ask, challenging Dok.

“Who knows what’ll happen if we let all those enemy soldiers onto the island?!”

“We ought to string them up and behead them all!”

“No. We’re trying to prove that we aren’t what they make us out to be, aren’t we?” These MP jackasses are _really_ starting to piss you off with their hysteria.

“We can’t do that. If we want to protect this island from Marley’s survey boats. We need the Volunteers to cooperate with us. If she doesn’t contact them through ‘wireless communication,’” Hange adds, thankfully bringing logic back into the discussion.

After more back and forth, it’s decided to work alongside the Volunteers for the meantime, though trust is something that would have to be earned. The best place to start is by having the Volunteers lure other survey ships in to be dealt with.

❦

Yelena is calling in the secondary survey fleet, and you and Connie have Armin in a small dinghy. With the intense focus on Eren by ~~the Volunteers~~ Yelena, it’s decided that Eren needs to stay away from this operation for the time being. Armin’s titan should be enough to destroy this fleet, or, at least get the crew to jump overboard.

As they send out dinghies of their own to respond to the calls of distress, Armin attaches his hooks to the ship’s hull to swing him over. You and Connie row further back, hitching the small boat to a nearby rock to ride back to the interior of the cove. As you mounted, you heard the signature _CRACK!_ and a flash of light and smoke filled the sky. 

Riding back to your military, you watched as some Marleyan soldiers swam ashore—and fuck if you weren’t jealous of their ability to swim—while others pulled up in their dinghies. They were met with the entirety of the Survey Corps, weapons drawn, ready to fire. 

“Welcome to our filthy island of filthy devils. We’ll make you feel right at home, so long as you like pig piss.” 

Armin watches from behind the ships, waiting for the uncooperative Marleyans to be restrained and marched off to the encampment. As Jean and Sasha start to lead the soldiers away, you fire a yellow flare for Armin. Riding back, you fire an acoustic round to signal for him to come out, to come back to you. 

He hasn’t done this often—just enough to become familiar with his titan—but he’s mastered it rather quickly. The more time he spends in titan form, however, the more exhausted he is. That turns out to be the case when he comes back to you, shoulders sagging and eyes heavy with exhaustion. 

“Well done. We got them without any hassle,” you reassure him as he gets on his horse.

“That’s great,” he says, voice tired.

“I’ll make sure you have time to rest when we get back, okay?”

He nods and you two return to camp. Entering the main cabin, you find a large canvas spread out on the table with everyone standing around it.

“Oh, good. We were waiting for you two,” greets Onyankopon. He starts detailing the plan to get Paradis caught up with the rest of the world, starting with a port for ships to anchor in. Given that’s how they arrived in the first place, it makes sense to assume the rest of the world largely makes use of them, too.

“By the way, Onyankopon—why is your skin so dark?”

You whip your head around to look at Sasha, having not expected that. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Onyankopon look startled for a second before relaxing and giving a confident smile.

“Our Creator had a thought: wouldn’t it be more interesting if there were more kinds of people in the world? The same goes for the Subjects of Ymir, who can turn into titans. All of us exist because someone meant for us to exist.”

“Then who made us?” Armin asks, burning curiosity in his voice.

“The one who gave power to Ymir, the Founder. In other words, a god. That’s what some people think. We’re all free to think as we like, no?”

You smile at his easy explanation, succinct and sanguine, and that little seed of trust grows.

* * *

#### One Month Later - Port Construction Site

The Anti-Marleyan Volunteers have stayed near the sea, both because they’re wary of traveling further inland and because the government is still uncertain of their true loyalties. Of course, you expressing your concerns to Dok, Pixis, Hange, and Zackly didn’t help anything, but when the entire fate of Paradis is at stake, you’d rather not keep those concerns to yourself. The Survey Corps seems to be the only branch of the military willing to work with the Volunteers.

You and Armin spend most of your time with Onyankopon, learning from the vast store of knowledge he has while the rest of the team helps with carrying supplies to and fro for the construction. More of the same as how you had been spending the year before their arrival.

Onyankopon and Armin engage in long debates and discussions about philosophy and religion, marveling at how each other thinks. You take advantage of what medical knowledge—though limited—Onyankopon has of medical technologies available to the rest of the world. The surgeries they’re able to perform are stuff you could only dream of, and the medicines they have available would drastically improve life here. You engage him in conversations about different cultures and languages, wanting to know _more_ about the outside, about the wonders that could be found. 

“You should speak with Yelena about this, too,” Onyankopon suggests while you head to lunch. 

Without thinking, you blatantly tell him, “I don’t trust her.”

He pauses and you realize what you’ve said. Fuck.

You turn to look at him, see the hurt in his eyes, and you elaborate. “I can’t explain it, not yet, but I… Shit. How do I say this? I’m very particular about who I trust. For the longest time, it consisted of only three people. I don’t trust _her_ , but I do trust you—at least, I’m getting there.”

He softens a bit, and you watch as the apprehension tucks itself away in his mind.

“I—For over a hundred years, we believed that we were all that was left of humanity, that the titans wiped everyone else out. It wasn’t until last year that the entirety of our society learned the truth, that Marley was out there and intent on our extinction. Then you guys come along and confirm what we had feared while also giving us a sliver of hope. It’s… it’s a precarious situation we’re in, and I hope you don’t blame me for not trusting you all. But of all the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers, I feel I could come to trust you completely.”

He nods and, after thinking about it for a moment, gestures for you both to continue. The spread is incredible, full of food that you’ve never seen before. Niccolo had made some comments before about finally being able to fish, and you didn’t understand until you saw all he had to offer. He looks uncomfortable at cooking for you all, still hesitant to accept the “Eldian Devils,” but he was forced into doing it by Yelena on the grounds that he was the best cook aboard their ship.

Sasha immediately starts digging in, making a right mess of the entire table, causing Jean and Connie to panic. 

She lifts her head, tears of joy running down her cheeks, and shouts, “Mr. Niccolo! You’re a genius!”

The flush on his cheeks makes you think he’s never heard such praise for his cooking before, such raw enthusiasm. He brings two more dishes to the table and you sequester them away before she can dig into those, too.

You make yourself a plate of shrimp and prawns, grilled squid, bakaliaros, and croquetas. Digging in, you feel yourself melt into the food.

“Okay, Niccolo, I must agree with Sasha that you are some kind of genius with food. This is incredible.”

* * *

#### Fall 851 - Undisclosed Location

Hange, Armin, and Onyankopon convinced some of the Marleyan engineers to help with the construction of crucial infrastructures, such as the development of a train to quickly transport people and supplies from the Walls to the port, but you’re due to return to Levi and Eren. It’s been six long fucking weeks since you’ve seen him. Before you leave, Onyankopon lends you medical texts he found among the supplies. You thank him and wish him well before returning to Levi. Your husband.

It’s weird to think about it. The two of you just went to the courthouse in Trost with Hange as a witness while Pixis married you two. You hadn’t told anyone else—it wasn’t any of their business—and just knowing between the two of you was enough. You wore the band on a simple chain around your neck when you worked. You used the steady pace as an opportunity to remove the band from your necklace and place it on your finger.

Armin and Mikasa are accompanying you, having been dismissed by Hange to relieve the team with Levi and Eren now. You’re tired, and the crisp October air stings as you ride. Armin and Mikasa are still talking behind you, but you keep quiet.

Levi’s been keeping Eren in a newly constructed facility outside of the Walls, near Shiganshina. He doesn’t particularly like it, being out in the open with Eren, but he’d rather not have to scale Wall Maria if anything were to happen to the port. If anything did, they could have Eren transform and run Levi and the team to the port to address whatever issue came up.

When you arrive, you’re ready to go to sleep for a week. You feel much like you did that first time you made it to the Old Scout Headquarters between Trost and Calaneth—exhausted from being around people, constant chatter, constant energy. And such draining interactions, too. But you know better than to complain.

“Hey. Brats. Took you long enough,” Levi calls, approaching you. There’s the distant sound of shooting, but paced, making it clear that someone’s practicing. “Eren’s at the shooting range. He’ll be glad to see you two.”

“Sir,” they respond before heading over there. While this is the first time coming here for _you_ , they’ve had the opportunity to switch back and forth more frequently. Lucky bastards.

“How are you and Eren getting along?” He grunts and rolls his eyes in response. “That bad? Well, hopefully, Armin and Mikasa will be able to cheer him up, mellow him out.”

“He’s changed. He’s not as prone to anger anymore, but he’s more defiant now.”

“ _More?_ Is he openly disobeying you?”

“No. Not quite.”

“I see. I’ll check in with him tonight, before we retire,” you sigh. 

“No.”

“No?”

“I want to spend tonight with my wife. Besides, I need to debrief you. What’s happening at the port?”

Heat rushes to your cheeks at his smirk. “Very well. It can wait until tomorrow, though I’ll need Armin.”

He raises an eyebrow in question.

“Onyankopon lent me Marleyan medical texts and I need to keep him on top of his medical training,” you tell him, almost defensively. “Plus I need his ability to quickly read this shit,” you complain as you pull out the hefty books from a saddlebag. 

“What do they know about medicine that _you_ don’t?”

“A lot, Levi. They have more comprehensive understandings of mental health, better procedures for bullet wounds, more sophisticated operations that we could only dream of, medicine that we don’t have here—”

“Okay, forget I asked. C’mon. I’ll make tea.”

❦

The following day, you speak in the kitchen with Eren before he trains. It’s… brief.

“How’re you feeling, being cooped up here?”

He gives a humorless chuckle. “Are you kidding? I hate it here, but you already knew that.”

“I guessed as much, but it never hurts to check-in. What do you think of the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers?”

“It’d be nice if I even got a chance to have an opinion on them. I haven’t even talked to any of them.”

“Really?” That comes as a shock to you. You understand keeping Yelena away—she almost salivates when talking about Zeke, and it isn’t much different when she talks about Eren—but it’s surprising that _none_ of them have been able to interact with Eren. 

“What do _you_ think of them?” he asks, arms crossing in front of him.

You sigh, turning around and leaning on the counter. “I’m not sure what to make of them. They’re cooperating, helping us build infrastructure, but I don’t really trust any of them,” you confess, something telling you to keep your tentative friendship with Onyankopon from him.

He snorts. “Good. At least you aren’t as idealistic as Armin.”

Your brows furrow at his comment. “What do you mean?”

“Yesterday he was talking about wanting to talk to _them_ before we do anything, even though the world wants us dead. Like they’d want to talk to us. I mean, look at how well that worked out for you two with Bertolt.”

Ow. “We can’t just kill them, though. They’re expecting us to act like monsters, to meet the expectations they’ve set up for them. I think… I think we _have_ to try diplomacy first.”

“That’s the kind of thinking that got Nifa, Abel, and Keiji killed. Trying to avoid fighting.”

You bite your cheek, wondering why he’s being so… pessimistic. 

“Hey. Back when I helped you, and we went to the Coordinate,” he starts, immediately setting off alarms in your head. “Ymir helped us. Do you think it’s because you have royal blood in you?”

“I, uh, I don’t know. I don’t know what did it, but it looked like she was reluctant to do it, didn’t it?”

“Yeah. Maybe. I was thinking, what if we used the rumbling as a deterrence? Something to tell everyone that we’re serious. Do you think you and I could do that?”

_Whoa._

“I—Eren. What are you—? Maybe? I wouldn’t _want_ to do that. Just because they see us as devils doesn’t give us a pass to do something like that.”

“I wouldn’t want to do that, either. It was just something I was curious about,” he dismisses. “I should get out there. Their weapons are different than ours. I suggest you get familiar with them, too.”

He leaves and a wave of nausea nearly overtakes you. Your hands start to shake and you drop your teacup, causing it to shatter. 

“Shit.”

Armin enters as you try to pick up the shards of glass, startling you. There’s a sharp pain in your palm, and when you look down, your blood is mingling with the spilled tea.

* * *

#### Spring 852

That conversation still causes nightmares for you, where the Walls come tumbling down and massive titans start marching towards the sea. You aren’t certain why you don’t tell anyone about it, why you don’t tell Armin or Levi or Hange.

Maybe because you wonder whether _you_ put the thought in his head to reach out and use the Founding Titan when he was otherwise told it was impossible. Maybe because doing that was for your own selfish needs? Maybe because you didn’t want to believe that he meant it? 

Regardless, you haven’t used your ability since then. You don’t know why, but you’re afraid, despite having already opened that door, having taken an ax to it to guarantee it can’t close again.

❦

The port is nearly finished, and the engineers have listed out all of the materials that would be needed to start the railroad. You communicate this with Zackly, who’s approved the complete implementation of the Volunteers’ proposed infrastructure changes. The plan is to send an invitation to a potential ally of Eldia—the nation of Hizuru—once the port has a definitive finish date. To help prepare that, Zackly has ordered the creation of a road from the port to Shiganshina, which has been underway since the snow has stopped falling. The railroad will have to wait until the port is finished, which is anticipated to be sometime during the summer.

You and Armin work closely with Anti-Marleyan medics to pick up their medical tips and tricks, which you’ll gladly admit makes it astonishingly easy to do your job. Honestly, the difficult part is learning about the medicine and different interactions, especially when they only have a limited supply. Once you figure out the basic ingredients and chemistry behind them, you relay the information to Zackly and the medics there, hoping they’ll be able to start growing some of what’s needed to produce it on a larger scale.

One day when you’re talking with Yelena, Onyankopon, Mikasa, and Armin, the subject of surnames comes up. Yelena’s been telling you about Hizuru and how Mikasa’s features remind her of one of the ambassadors. Mikasa mentions that she had barely learned about her father’s family history, the Ackerman history, when—

“Wait, the _Ackermans?_ I thought they were just a myth told by the royal family,” Yelena asks, awe in her voice. 

“No. They’re real. Levi and Mikasa are related somehow,” Armin adds. “What did the myth say?”

“That they were the sword and shield of the royal family and the oracle, with enhanced strength and fighting abilities,” Onyankopon supplies.

“The Oracle? But that’s what they called—”

You slap your hand over Armin’s mouth. “I’m sick of hearing that damn name,” you mutter.

His eyes flash a small apology, but the damage is already done. Both Yelena and Onyankopon are looking at you with clear intrigue. Shit.

“Are you a Verite?”

“Unfortunately,” you sigh.

“Are the rumors true?” Yelena asks, face suddenly inches from yours. 

You lean back, but she makes no attempt to remove herself from your space.

“You’ll have to enlighten me—we’ve been trapped in the Walls with no inkling of our history for a century.”

Onyankopon pulls Yelena back before explaining, “They say that they were the Oracles of the Eldian kings, able to see the past and the future. Their very name means ‘truth’.”

“Huh. That’s news to me,” you say blandly. You sigh before admitting that it was true. When Yelena tries to get you to glimpse the memory of having met Zeke, you can’t. You… can’t? Maybe because she’s not connected to the Coordinate, doesn’t have a Path? She looks disappointed, and you are, too, to be honest. You wanted the opportunity to see what secrets she was keeping hidden. “I think I just found my limit.” You turn to Armin, wanting to make sure you still can. “May I?”

“Go for it.” 

You reach for his hand and find a simple memory of the three of them, running up a hill on a windy day. It’s enough, proof that the curse you so desperately want gone yet need is still there. 

You pull out, seeing a soft smile on Armin’s face. Good.

“Interesting,” Yelena comments, reminding you of their presence. “So he could see it, too?”

“Yes.”

“What an interesting gift,” she says again.

“It’s also a weapon if used right. A tool to find the truth. A blessing to the dying, if I so choose.” At their prompting, you elaborate. “During a fight, I can use it to bring up painful memories or push my own. It distracts them long enough for me to win. I find out the truths people are unwilling to tell,” you say, pointedly staring at Yelena, “And I’ve used my gift to help grant those dying a pleasant last memory.”

“Fascinating! I imagine you were crucial to the bloodless coup and distributing the information,” Onyankopon speculates.

“Not especially. I was busy getting kidnapped by a serial killer. Plus there were other ways they could’ve gotten the information.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot you were kidnapped by Kenny Ackerman.”

Your hand absentmindedly goes to the chain around your neck as you remember Kenny’s death. You wonder if it would have changed anything for him, knowing _this_ truth? The truth of the world? 

Probably not.

* * *

#### Summer 852 - The Port

The port is complete, and officers from the three regiments, Levi Squad, and the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers are gathered to greet the Hizuru ambassador and their party. Their ship is being led into the port as the Eldian Military and the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers greet each other on the pier.

“Eren—I haven’t seen you since you lifted our entire ship. I look forward to working with you.”

_danger_

“No,” Levi says and you breathe a little easier. “He’ll never come into contact with any of you again. This brief meeting is as far as we’ll go.” He’s positioned himself in front of his squad. Yelena still hasn’t stepped back from Eren, perhaps having the misconception that since Levi’s the shortest here, he’s the least threatening?

She steps back before saying, “That’s plenty! That makes today an auspicious day. After all, the port is complete and we’re welcoming our first foreign visitors.”

‘Our’?

The military leaders and Queen Historia step forward to greet Ambassador Kiyomi Azumabito while Yelena explains who they are.

“She has significant influence over Hizuru’s foreign affairs, which she uses to maintain strong historical ties with other nations. She’s the head of their clan. Does her face resemble your mother’s? It’s just like I told you—you two are blood relatives,” Yelena whispers into Mikasa’s ear.

* * *

#### Summer 852 - Shiganshina Military Courthouse

Ambassador Azumabito confirmed that Mikasa was a relative, one of noble blood. It was news enough that the military immediately called for a momentary recess.

“You’re the last survivor of their nation’s top family?”

“I still don’t get what a ‘nation’ is…”

“If it means we can exploit Hizuru, we’ve got this!”

“Wait! Is this a trap?”

“Are you guys idiots?” you ask, louder than intended.

Pixis makes eye contact with you before addressing the panicking ~~children~~ men here. “We’re sure of one thing: in this world connected by the seas, we are but a little tottering child. Let’s be quiet and listen. We embarrass ourselves by making our guest wait.”

Reconvening in the room, Ambassador Azumabito proceeds to share her side of a meeting held with Zeke Yeager, how he willingly gave up information about Mikasa’s existence, how he offered up resources available only to the island. An island he doesn’t even belong to. An island whose population he actively helped reduce. 

Oh, you have so much you want to say, but you’re not here as an official part of the delegation, only as an officer in the background, as a fucking truth detector thanks to your fucking family line.

Even still, it’s not like you guys are in a position to refuse international aid, even if you’d rather _not_ do it if it meant the exploitation of your people.

“As you know, Zeke Yeager claims to have a secret plan. This plan is supposed to save Eldia and the world, but it requires Hizuru’s mediation. It’s one of three ingredients for the ‘earth-shaking’ to protect Paradis. The first is a test of the weapon—”

_warning_

“—You must show the world its destructive potential by unleashing it in part.”

Did Eren know about this proposal?

“Next is Hizuru’s mediation. Our goal will be to raise the military strength of this nation so you won’t have to rely solely on shaking the earth. Introducing the latest weapons to this island is not a difficult process in and of itself. However, it requires a firm base of national power—education, economy, diplomacy, and population. You are one-hundred years behind the rest of the world.”

One-hundred years. One-hundred years technologically and militaristically behind a world that wants to wipe you all from the face of it.

“You won’t need the full hundred years to catch up, but it will surely take at least half that. In other words, you must use the earth-shaking to protect this island for fifty years. You must always possess the Founding Titan and a titan of royal blood.”

No.

**No.**

To damn a child with thirteen years for _this?!_ To force Historia to take this on, to breed, curse her children and her children’s children? 

**NO.**

“Very well. I will agree to inherit the Beast Titan. So long as the Rumbling is necessary to our continued existence.”

You’re about to speak up, object, when Eren does it for you. 

“Historia. If it means paying for our lives with broken walls, trampled land, and children bred and killed like livestock, I will absolutely not accept Zeke Yeager’s plan. It’s dangerous to entrust our fate to the potential to shake the earth. Wouldn’t it be better for us to use all the time we have left to consider every option possible?” 

He sits down, shaking with rage, the prospect of it happening _again_ , someone else’s freedom to choose, to live how they want to live being stripped from them. Especially someone as dear as Historia.

Ambassador Azumabito agrees that it’s in Eldia’s best interest to consider all its options before committing, effectively ending the meeting. 

Hange and Pixis approach you after the meeting has ended, wanting your opinion on what was said, the truth of it. 

“I will refrain from voicing my political opinions, but there are only two things I object with, truly. The first is this so-called ‘test run’ of the Rumbling. I’m not certain why, but I feel that to put those two in contact with one another is not what we want. That being said, I strongly object to using Historia as the next inheritor of the Beast Titan. We need a steady queen, someone kind and compassionate and willing to fight for her people. While this could be a way to do that, I think that this particular proposal will do more harm than good.

“To that end, _I_ might be a potential solution to trigger the Rumbling, cutting Zeke out of the picture altogether.”

“You mean to say that we can proceed _without_ him?” Pixis asks with serious intent.

“Yes. I… After we found out the truth of Eldia, Zackly had tried commanding me to breed to carry on my bloodline. This… thing, this ability? It’s a curse. I refuse to pass it on, much less to my children. He would have bred me and taken my children from me, and any action that I would have taken would have resulted in my death as a traitor.”

It’s clear that Pixis knew none of this. He glances to Hange who nods. 

“I went to Eren because I knew something about the Founding Titan—the ability for them to change the bodily anatomy of any Subject of Ymir.”

“You—you sterilized yourself?”

“I did. To do that, Eren needed to use royal blood to complete his objective. I won’t get into the details, but the Verite line was created by the bastard of a royal bastard, meaning I have _some_ royal blood. Despite this, it was a struggle to bend the will of the Founding Titan to Eren’s wish using me. With all that said, I would prefer to avoid using the Rumbling, to destroying all life, but if the option is Zeke, with his hidden agenda, or me, I’ll gladly step up.”

“I see. No, I wouldn’t want to force that upon you, either, but you _would_ be better than the man who killed your entire regiment. I’ll think about how to present this information to Zackly without putting you or Levi at risk,” Pixis promises.

You nod before leaving.

* * *

#### Spring 853 - The Port

The last six months have gone by dreadfully slow.

Ambassador Azumabito has agreed to assist, with two of the three conditions met by Eldia. She is set to meet with a variety of nations and organizations who could prove to be potential allies, but so far, all of them have turned out to be fruitless. It’s becoming increasingly clear that a trip to the mainland will be necessary, but it gives you untold anxiety to think about it.

Meanwhile, construction on the railroad has slowed because of the constant rain followed by the constant snow. Nothing overwhelming, but definitely enough to delay significant progress. Even now, it’s pouring with no indication whether it will stop. 

You’re making use of this time, practicing the procedures detailed in the texts Onyankopon gave you. The Ambassador had medical supplies shipped to Eldia, making it easier for you to work. She was kind enough to provide mass shipments of antibiotics and vitamins, which you eagerly had sent to the Walls and distributed among the military regiments. 

You’ve been able to learn about an antitoxin that can counteract the effects of tetanus—something you’re making use of in the immediate as one of your ~~dumbasses~~ Scouts accidentally drove a nail through his hand.

There’s information about possible immunizations and vaccines—though you struggle with the concepts. The Ambassador has promised to bring a top medical professional from Hizuru the next time she stops by to show you and other doctors within Eldia.

Arguably, the best thing you’ve learned about is enhanced methods for surgery. There is a better method of sterilization for tools, making it much easier to prevent sepsis and other infections during surgeries. It’s frustrating dealing with some of the older doctors in getting them to practice asepsis in changing their gloves between operations, washing their hands thoroughly, sanitizing their equipment, but after several of them try it and report positive results, it’s becoming, slowly, mainstream. 

And shock? There’s so much more you can do about it now! You can better pinpoint when someone is entering into a state of shock by their breathing, their heart rate, pupils, mental state. You can help increase the chances of survival if someone gets shot or seriously injured, and you’ve been arguing with Levi to start training the squad just the basics of how to deal with it, especially considering the increased use of guns by the rest of the world.

It won’t behoove you for only you and Armin to know how to properly treat something like that, not if exploring the outside world means an increased chance of being shot. He relents when you ask a hypothetical—he’s really starting to hate your hypotheticals. What if, when you were shot by the Anti-Personnel Control Squad, it wasn’t a graze? What if he wasn’t there to treat you? Or Armin? What if you could have trained more people, but didn’t, and died because of it?

So. Starting next week, they’re all your students.

❦

_It’s bright—too **fucking** bright—and loud. It’s… gunfire? A lot of it, so much that it’s almost deafening._

_You look around and you’re on unfamiliar terrain with no signs of vegetation, just dirt. Up ahead is some kind of walled structure? And there’s gunfire coming from there, coming for you?_

_SHIT!_

_As you start running towards the trenches dug into the ground, you see a variety of people doing the same. They’re… all in Marleyan uniforms? But—so are you. These pale clothes are unfamiliar to you, so why are you wearing them?_

_What the fuck?!_

_That doesn’t matter, though, not when there’s a child, laying there, bleeding from his head. You run to him, cradle him as you run, using your intuition to get him to safety._

_He **needs** to be okay—you **need** him to be okay!_

_The people running alongside you are falling, their blood spraying the air, spraying you. **No.** All that matters is saving one life. Any single life. **That’s** your mission right now. You come up to the trench and there’s shouting. A blonde man with a helmet has his arms outreached, grabbing for the child, trying to pull him from you, and you start to give him the child when something pierces your chest._

❦

You lurch forward, heartbeat pounding in your chest. There’s moisture on your skin and you feel that hot itch behind your eyes like you have a fever. Great. 

You throw the blankets off of you, forgetting that Levi’s actually with you this time. Shuffling through your dresser for sleeping shorts, you fail to hear the sleepy grunt. He’s silent as he comes up behind you and wraps his arms around you, scaring the _shit_ out of you. You scream and you prepare to headbutt whoever the fuck is grabbing you when he calls out your name.

“Hey! It’s me.”

You slow, letting the familiar tea tree and mint meander to you, filling you. _Oh._ His grip loosens, allowing for you to turn around. He’s wearing an expression of concern, sleep drained from him completely at your almost attack.

“Sorry. I... I got used to waking up alone,” you admit, loathe as you are to admit it.

“Why are you apologizing?” His question is simple, no malice, no anger, just worry. When you don’t respond, he encourages you to put on the shorts. “Come on. Let’s go make some tea.”

You follow him into the kitchen of the portside barracks and lean up against the counter as he places the pot on the stove. He says nothing, but comes and leans up against the counter next to you. 

“I hate how everyone’s taller than me, now.”

He’s trying to distract you ~~and fuck if it isn’t working~~. You know this. You know he’s upset that you had a nightmare, upset that your first thought wasn’t to turn to him. No. Not that it wasn’t your first thought, but that your first _reaction_ was to assume you were alone. So you let him have it.

“They’re growing.”

“You’re not. But you’re still taller than me.”

“Yeah, but that’s the benefit of being almost four years older than them. They have to catch up.”

“Tch. How dare they.”

You snort at this and he takes your hand in his. The kettle whistles and he lets go.

“I… I think we’re going to need to do a reconnaissance mission to Marley.”

The sound of water pouring into the cups ceases and he’s gone rigid.

“I don’t think Azumabito is going to be successful. I think we’re going to have to go through with the bit about Historia, and I fucking hate it.”

The soft clinking of the spoon stirring your tea with sugar picks up.

“I think it would be beneficial if we started learning covert tactics and long-distanced forms of covert communication.”

He turns and hands you the cup. You take it in your hands and bring it to your lips. _Perfect._ He remains silent as he resumes his place next to your side. The silence that fills the room mingles comfort with anxiety in an odd way that you’ve started to become familiar with. It’s almost comforting in and of itself. 

The two of you stay there until you hear Connie and Sasha trying to sneak into the kitchen for food. Before they turn the corner, Levi announces that if he catches them, they’ll be stuck cleaning the roofs of bird shit during the summer. He smiles at the sound of them crashing into each other and stumbling away in a hurry.

“You’re so beautiful when you smile,” you hum as you trace his jawline with your hand. He leans into your touch, eyes begging you to just enjoy the moment, enjoy being together instead of worrying about the future. 

It’s easier said than done.

❦

The weather’s finally let up, and you feel relief at the brief medical training you’ve given your squad. Connie takes to your training rather quickly after the experience in Shiganshina taught him the importance of responding immediately. The biggest obstacle was teaching them about some of the new advancements to medicine, such as antibiotics, the tetanus antitoxin, epinephrine, and cortisone, but you remedied that with the help of Niccolo.

He had slowly warmed up to you all, and you were more than happy to pay him for sweet treats. Each time they correctly answered one of your questions or identified the right procedure/medicine/part of anatomy, you gave them one of his treats ~~and by them you mean Jean, Connie, and Sasha~~. Niccolo even came by on one of his days off to watch it, amused at the implementation of his food with positive reinforcement.

But now the weather’s clear and warming up, the construction for the railroad is back on. Eren suggests that the Levi Squad help out, mentioning that it would be beneficial to train their bodies while helping develop the island. He’s not wrong—now that there aren’t titans, you guys haven’t been keeping up with your old training as much. Instead of doing near daily exercises, it was pushed back to weekly, then biweekly, then once a month. 

For your own sanity, you make a point of running and combat with whoever you can find ~~and whoever’s willing~~. Some of the Marleyans had offered to help at first, only for you to kick their asses. It turned into a competition, really, to see whether anyone comes close. Yelena offers, but you refuse, citing her overuse of weaponry. It’s bullshit—you’re itching to be able to train against someone wielding a weapon, especially someone who won’t hold back—but you’d rather not give her the opportunity to get used to your fighting style. You’d rather not give her body the chance to subconsciously memorize how your blows land.

It’s a warm summer morning when you’re about to join your team at the tracks when Levi, Hange, and the Ambassador pull you back.

“I was unable to convince any other nation or organization to sympathize with the Eldian cause,” Ambassador Azumabito states. 

_Shit._

“There are a few fringe organizations that _are_ willing to help, who have been trying to help, but they are viewed as cretins by the international community. It would not be beneficial to become involved with these groups.”

“But wouldn’t it be better to have _someone_?” Hange asks, exasperation heavy in their tone.

“If you would like to reach out to them, I could not stop you, but I must advise against that. No one will take you seriously if you side with them. Honestly, it’s difficult because of what Paradis is to the world.”

“Which is?” Levi presses.

“The necessary evil. For nearly two thousand years, Eldia was the major oppressor of the world, with hardly any nation _not_ acutely aware of their cruelty. While Marley was the primary target for Eldian aggression and therefore the primary instigator in the rebellion, it united all other communities in opposing the Eldian Empire. Despite the war going on right now, the world has an uneasy peace because of the constant that working against Paradis provides.”

“Fuck,” you mutter. 

“For Paradis to survive, Queen Historia must inherit the Beast Titan and must have as many children as possible during her term. That condition _must_ be met to ensure the ability to utilize the Founding Titan and start the earth-shaking.”

_**godfuckingdammit** _

“There may be another way.”

Hange and Levi both stiffen at your words and the Ambassador looks at you curiously.

“Do you know of the Verite line?”

Her eyes widen, having never bothered to ask your name, ask why you were there. “ _You’re_ a Verite?”

“XO Verite. Pleasure to officially introduce myself,” you say with a short bow. Perhaps you should just change it to Ackerman? Arguably more terrifying. Arguably just as dangerous. “Eren and I have managed to trigger the ability of the Founding Titan before. I am an offshoot of royal lineage, a byproduct of titan science.”

“If that’s truly the case, then why haven’t you said anything sooner?”

“Because it creates an unnecessary target on my back. Even now, confronting the very real possibility of needing to utilize the ability fills me with significant apprehension. In addition to being able to discern the past and future from Eldians, I have a heightened sense of awareness, and it tells me that to trigger the Rumbling, even a demonstration, is dangerous, either through me or through Zeke Yeager. I still believe that other attempts must be made before we resort to this.”

“It sounds like you have a suggestion, XO Verite,” the Ambassador states plainly.

Your eyes flicker to Hange and Levi, who are both watching you with varying degrees of curiosity and frustration. You lick your lips before you start.

“I believe it is necessary that I go undercover within Marley to conduct deep cover reconnaissance while the rest of my team attends the unveiling of The Association to Protect the Subjects of Ymir at the international forum you had mentioned.”

“No.” 

Both you and Hange look at Levi, at his sudden outburst. Your eyes flash in warning to him—this is something that _needs_ to happen, and without knowing the details of your plan, he can’t give an honest objection.

“I have extensive medical experience at this point. I could infiltrate the internment community as a doctor or a nurse and gather information that way. My ability would only make it easier for me to get what I need. My purpose would be to gather as much information as possible. I want to know about their natural resource reserves, their economic strengths and weaknesses, their military capabilities, their counterintelligence capabilities, their leadership. I want to know anything and everything about what they do and do not have because then we may be able to come up with a comprehensive offer. 

“You said it yourself—this island is very resource rich. Perhaps we can utilize that as an economic benefit for Marley in exchange for peace? To consider that alone as grounds for peace is unlikely. However, if we were able to learn the intricacies of their society and nation as a whole, we should be able to come up with _something._ Despite the animosity they feel, the _world_ feels, towards us, there has to be an option that does not rely on leaning into the role that we have historically assigned ourselves. These past hundred years have changed us, our priorities, and we need to convey that, somehow, some way.”

She considers your proposal, your plea.

“To do this, we would need a way to communicate without being detected. Someone should be a partner with you on this, someone who can blend in just as well. Maybe not staying with you, but someone who you check in with, who can pull you out if it gets to be too much… This might work,” Hange considers aloud.

“I think Jean would make a good partner on a mission like this,” you answer. Catching Levi’s glare, you elaborate. “I would take you in a heartbeat, Levi, but you would still need to be here with Eren. He is still the priority. Not to mention any time you perceived me to be in danger, you’d react. Same with me for you.”

“She has a point, Shorty.”

He crosses his arms before walking away. _fuck._

“I admire your commitment to a peaceful solution, XO,” the Ambassador commends. “There has been blood testing throughout the world to determine whether someone is a Subject of Ymir, and they’ve been sending their Eldians to Marley. I could present you to them as such, with the added appraisal of your medical skills. I doubt this will yield the results you want, but if this is what you want to do, Commander Hange, I will do my best to support you. However, I ask that you consider the likely reality of the earth-shaking.”

“Yes, Ambassador,” you nod, allowing for Hange and the Ambassador to speak. You leave them to find Levi, to smooth things over with your husband.

“Levi?” you ask, finding him outside between buildings.

“Were you planning this? Were you planning to tell me?”

The betrayal in his voice makes your heart drop. “It was something I thought about in passing. I honestly didn’t know how to broach it with you.”

His jaw clenches and you watch as the muscles twitch. 

“I don’t—Levi. I have this horrible sinking feeling whenever I think about trying to activate the Rumbling, even for a demonstration of our might. Not just because it will feed into the perception that exists of us, but because… All I know is that I cannot take Eren to the Coordinate. There _has_ to be something else that we can do.”

“By sending you into enemy territory?!”

The last time he was this upset was after Zackly tried to force you into having children.

“Could you honestly tell me that if I took you with me, things would be okay here? That you’d be okay abandoning your mission here?”

He clicks his tongue in annoyance and turns away from you. 

“Can you honestly tell me that if I took you, if I made you my supervisor on such a mission, you wouldn’t interfere? That you’d let me continue if I found myself in petty trouble?”

His head whips around, eyes dangerous. You know he’s not saying anything because he can’t. He can’t disagree with you on these points. He spent the last three years protecting Eren. He lost countless friends to complete this mission, to protect Eren so he could save humanity. And the second anyone looked at you funny in Marley, he’d kill them. 

“You trust Jean with me,” you point out. He doesn’t get possessive when Jean or Armin touch you, and of the two of them, Jean would be better equipped to protect you if something went wrong. “We’ve already been talking about promoting him to Squad Leader. I’ll make it back home to you, you’ll see.”

He turns, some of his anger dissipated. “Show me,” he requests, voice laced with desperation.

You nod and he rushes over to you, pulling you in for a desperate kiss.

_ You’re in a doctor’s office—or so you think. It’s pristine, orderly. There are sheets attached to metal bars on the ceiling, presumably for privacy, with beds in between. The rightmost bed has a patient sleeping in it. The desk next to him is occupied by a man, a visitor. He gets up, greets you, shakes your hand with both of his. _

_ You are walking down an alley, and there’s a brick, a little loose. You pull it out, slip paper in, put the brick back in place. _

_ Jean. His hair is a lot longer than it is now, and he’s dressed in a black trenchcoat with a black hat. He greets you with a warm smile and you feel his breath tickle your ear as you hug him. _

_ You enter into a building, a room in a hallway with many doors. Upon entry, you see it’s a miniature house of sorts. Very small, but comfortable. Shutting the door behind you, you walk up to the desk in the corner. You rifle through the books there when something startles you from behind. It’s Levi, and you run into his arms. After the embrace, he hands you a suitcase. You open it to find your gear inside. _

“I make it back to you,” you whisper. “I always will.” 


	47. Marleyan Reconnaissance Pt. I **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _yes_   
>  _it is possible_   
>  _to hate and love someone_   
>  _at the same time_   
>  _i do it to myself_   
>  _every day_
> 
> Rupi Kaur 

* * *

#### December 853 - Marley’s Eldian Immigration Office

“You’re saying _she_ is a competent doctor? And you _let her_ operate on you?” the immigration official questions, looking between Azumabito and one of her guards.

Technically, you _had_ operated on him—it was for appendicitis—but it was at the order of Azumabito. It was also your first serious invasive surgery. ~~And you were proud of yourself for having done so rather flawlessly.~~ According to her, women weren’t considered doctors, especially not _Eldian_ women. 

If you hadn’t already Seen the truth of it, the success, you’d doubt they’d allow you to practice. So despite his hesitation, some time down the line, you succeed in your goal of being a doctor here. 

You’re consciously making yourself seem demure, hapless. Head bowed, slumped shoulders, slight pout. Thanks to Azumabito, you’ve been able to dye your hair with this plant called henna, and you have a supply of the leaves and ingredients to create the mix yourself as you’ll need to apply it about once a month. If you’re going to be successful and get information on the Warrior program, you’ll need to make sure Reiner, Zeke, and the Cart Titan can’t recognize you. It was more of a problem for Reiner than the others, but, hopefully, this will help.

“It was an emergency. If she hadn’t, I would have _died!_ ”

The man grunts in disbelief as his eyes rake over you. “What? Don’t you have anything to say, _Eldian?_ ”

You look up at him through your fringe, trying to look as meek as possible. “It would be a great honor to work as a nurse or anywhere I could help, but I know that even just coming here would be a mercy.”

The words burn as they come out but the sooner they put you to use, the sooner you can start doing what you came here to do.

“Hmph. Very well. Here—” he says as he hands you the ~~fucking~~ grey armband. “Keep this on your left arm at all times. I’m going to call someone from Public Security to escort you to the internment zone. They’ll get your paperwork started. Once it’s sorted away, then we’ll see if you’re useful as a medic.” It comes out as a sneer, but you don’t have a choice but to accept it.

“Oh, thank you! I don’t deserve such kindness! Thank you,” you impress, placing the offending garment on your arm. 

You hear the approaching of someone behind you and the Ambassador takes this as an opportunity to leave. “My debt to you has been paid.”

“This is more than I could have ever asked for. Thank you, Ambassador.”

“Lucas. Escort this Eldian—Ms. Arendt?—to the internment zone.”

Without turning, you can feel his frustration at being given this task, this assignment.

“Come on, now. I don’t have all day.”

It hadn’t even been thirty seconds but okay. Damn. 

You follow him, suitcase in hand, and take in everything around you.

It’s all—incredible. There are so many people just wandering through the streets! The buildings are different from the ones you’re used to, more in the style of those the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers helped build. Small vendors with carts and umbrellas and everyone’s dressed so well? There’s an obnoxious beeping across the road and you see a car? At least, you assume it’s a car.

If only Erwin could see all this, all these people. As it is, it won’t be for another few months until the rest of your team arrives. For the first four months here, you’re essentially on your own. 

You take everything in, following closely behind Lucas. Every now and then he looks back to make sure you’re following. You don’t like it—the way he looks at you. It’s dehumanizing, in more ways than one. But your instincts aren’t burning, so you’ll endure.

The two of you approach a large wall—and how you _just_ escaped fucking walls—and walk alongside it until you come to an opening. There’s a gate with armed guards on either side. They greet Lucas and look at you with disgusted interest.

“New immigrant from Hizuru, apparently,” Lucas answers their unasked question.

“Don’t be so glum about it. You’ll get out of this soon enough. Better here than in the war.”

Wow. For this being a military state, you expected them to be more… Well. No. Scratch that. The MPs on Paradis couldn’t be bothered to actually do their jobs until they needed to look good. That wouldn’t magically change when placed into a different nation. You want to chuckle at the similarities, the reminder that underneath it all, you’re just _people_ desperate for some semblance of control. 

You follow Lucas as he approaches a large building, beige and blue, much nicer than the surrounding architecture. It’s warm in here. He leads you into an office upstairs. The door has a glass window and blinds. He takes a seat behind the large desk and pulls out paperwork from a drawer.

“Is it okay if I sit?” you ask, hoping he doesn’t hear the insincerity in your false reticence. 

He looks up at you, assessing you as though it’s the first time he’s actually seeing you. The sudden intensity of his gaze causes heat to rush to your cheeks and he realizes he’s been staring too long. “Yeah. Sit.” You think it was supposed to come out as a bark, but it sounds more like an equivocal request. 

Sitting in the hard wooden chair, you watch as he looks down at the paperwork, pen in hand.

“Name?”

“Anaïs Arendt.” The Ambassador gave you a false surname, something Eldian in history, and you adopted your maternal grandmother’s name. 

“Any family?”

“One brother. John Kruger. He’s still in Hizuru.” It was decided that you’d communicate via handwritten letters encoded. They’d be sent to the Azumabito’s estate, where they’d be delivered to your team. Jean was confirmed to be your handler, once they arrived anyway. You’d only refer to your Squad, all of whom had fake names for this assignment. 

Lucas looks up at you. “Why isn’t he traveling with you?”

“To come here would be an honor he has yet to prove worthy of.”

“And what did _you_ do to be ‘worthy?’”

“I—I saw a man in need of medical attention and there weren’t any other doctors nearby so I helped him.”

“You’re a doctor?” he asks incredulously, so much so it’s ~~almost~~ insulting.

“I am. My father taught both me and my brother before he died.”

“Huh. Our hospitals are running low on staff here because of the war, but you’ll have to take that up with them after we confirm your documentation.”

“Yes, sir.”

He nods before continuing down the list. Birthday, parents, height, weight, et cetera, et cetera. When he asks you about your marriage status, you pause. You refused to give up your ring, still on the chain around your neck, but you have to lie about Levi. Women don’t immigrate on their own if they’re married.

You swallow thickly, missing him immensely in that moment. “I was. I’m widowed. He died in the war.” 

Saying it feels like a jinx, but you see him again. Truly. 

“What was the name of your spouse?”

Shit. “Leon. Leon Arendt.” Given that you were to say you were widowed, none of you bothered to come up with a fake name for him, something you were deeply regretting. Leon. _Leon?!_ Oh, he’s going to kill you when you return.

“What was his rank?”

“Lance Corporal.”

“Any children?”

“No.”

Again, he looks up at you with surprise. You honestly weren’t expecting him to… care?

“I can’t,” you supply.

“Oh,” he says, looking oddly abashed? He shakes away whatever it is he’s feeling. “Have you now or ever been affiliated with any Eldian Restoration Movements?”

“What? No. Wait—there are people who want to bring it _back_?” Hopefully you didn’t push it too hard.

He snorts at your ~~feigned~~ innocence. “Final question: if necessary, would you be willing to defend Marley in a war? Would you be willing to perform noncombatant services in either the Marleyan military or work of national importance?”

“To do so would be an honor.”

“Very well. I need you to look over this information and sign at the bottom,” he says, passing you the paperwork. You read over it—the written dialect of Eldian a little different from the one back home, but you’ve been practicing with Onyankopon—and sign. “It should take about two to three weeks for the verification to go through, at which point you’ll be able to go to the hospital for work. In the meantime, you’ll be staying in these facilities. Curfew is between 2100 hours and 0600 hours. Keep your armband and papers on you at all times. You are not to leave the internment zone without express permission from public security. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

He sighs through his nose, unsure what to make of you, before he stands and shows you to the residential facilities. They’re cramped, barren, beds filling the space and nothing else. Very well.

* * *

#### February 854 - Liberio Internment Zone

The papers were approved two weeks into your stay. You’re employed at the hospital as a nurse because the head doctor refuses to believe you know your shit, but you aren’t complaining. You’re here.

The patients are kind, overbearingly so. There’s so much self-hatred perpetrated here, so much gossip about those “island devils” and the war. Only the elderly, women, and children were left behind with the remainder of the Eldian population here being sent to the front lines. 

You find out about the Tybur family, the great family that had helped put an end to the reign of the vile King Fritz, who beat him back to the island. You find out about how the Eldians here are “virtuous” Eldians, desperately trying to prove their innocence, desperately trying to prove they’re harmless, they’re better than the others. You find out that parents _gladly_ send their children to Marley in an attempt to be accepted into their Warrior program. Despite the fact that them being chosen means they doom their children to thirteen years more. Despite the fact that the miniscule bump in status doesn’t erase how the Marleyans see Eldians, honorary or not.

Marley’s power and resources come from its expansion as a colonizing and imperialistic force. The natural resources here are close to being gone, and so they colonize, wage war, steal resources, people, _power_. Their economy is centered around their military—the development of weapons, military facilities, vehicles. But their military is also centered around their ability to use the ~~Seven~~ Five Titans in their power. Sans the War Hammer Titan, who’s never been seen since the separation of Eldia and Marley. 

In fact, Paradis has _proven_ that the Age of Titans is ending, and yet Marley is making no real commitments to change their style of warfare. It’s completely contradictory and hypocritical, but you make note of it as a possible point of entry in negotiations.

The resentment of the Eldians is so pervasive within Marley it’s crippling. The irony is that Marley is almost completely dependent on their Eldian population. They exploit their labor, their products, their bodies and then spew hatred in the same breath. Hardly a day goes by that you don’t hear someone mention “those damn island devils.” All because a child was hunted, fell into the Source of All, became something greater than herself, losing herself. All because the man who had wanted her murdered then raped her, forced her to bear children for him, and made his children eat her. 

None of you asked for this. None of you wanted to be this. You learn more about the current technology for detecting Eldians—blood tests. It hinges on being able to identify a genetic marker, something different that allows for the potential to become a titan. Something so small, so impossible to change. It’s a shame that you are all hated for something inherent to your existence.

❦

You’re walking to your apartment after a particularly _long_ shift. Apparently, your having a vagina means that you’re an expert in female anatomy—you know your stuff but not _that_ much—and you were scheduled for a delivery. It was twins. It took sixteen hours. You’ve never delivered a child before in your life, but, hey, now you’ve delivered two.

It’s late. You’re tired. You had found that if you take this alley, it saves you ten minutes of walking. It’s poorly lit, but you’re never coming home this late anyway.

_danger_

Shit.

_duck_

You follow through, ducking and rolling to the side. Looking up, you see one man with his arms grabbing the air that you just occupied. There’s another blocking the alley entrance.

To make things worse, they’re not wearing armbands. 

**Fuck.**

“Lookit this fucking bitch!” the man at the end of the alley calls.

The closer man lunges at you and you push yourself on the back of your hands before propelling yourself upwards. You dodge his attack and land a knee to his gut. He groans and the second man runs forward.

“You Eldian slut! You’re gonna fuckin’ get it!”

You’re not about to die here, nor are you about to be raped. The man you just kneed pulls a knife and you’re relieved. Something you can use. Taking up one of Annie’s positions, you smile to yourself. 

Approaching, arms raised, you kick with your left leg, taking out his knee. As he bows from the pain, you reach for his extended right arm with your left. Lifting it up, you then dive beneath his extended reach, trapping him in an arm triangle. You kick your leg out and loop it around his and— **PUSH**. 

Tucking in your head to your grip, you both fall to the ground. There’s a sickening _**POP!**_ and his moans of agony. In the surprise of your attack, he drops the knife. You release him, unconcerned about him now that his knee and shoulder are out, and grab the blade.

_behind you_

You drag your hand behind you, catching the blade on something.

“AH! What the ‘ell was that kinda move?!”

“Didn’t your mother ever tell you to avoid playing with devils?”

You push yourself up and away from him before adopting a long guard pose. Arms up, out, to prevent him from getting closer. The knife is in your left hand, blade out, mirroring Levi’s standard hold. He comes in and you bend your legs and pivot your foot while rotating your hips, extending your left leg up and around, kicking him with your full strength in the head. The force of your kick pushes him into the wall of the building next to you. 

He goes limp while the other asshole is crying. 

Shit. What the hell are you going to do with them? They’re going to talk, no doubt about that, and the law will favor them over you. Not just that, but the entire community would be liable for their injuries. If you kill them, where would you hide the bodies? It’s not like you have extra armbands to disguise them with… and you can’t stage it to look like they were fighting—not with _those_ injuries. Shit. Perhaps if you were able to procure a secondary knife? 

Shit. _Shit. **Shit.**_

Fuck. Okay. You run down the alley towards the back of the buildings and—oh, thank _fuck_ there’s a manhole! You turn back to the alley and drag the both of them, thanking your husband for making you train and train and train until your upper body strength was up to the task. All those years Kieth Shadis yelled and screamed at you could have been avoided if only Levi were the one pushing you. It’s still slow going, but you need to get this over with quickly. It’s already past curfew.

Here. 

“Forgive me,” you whisper to your would-be-attackers before you slit their throats. You heave the manhole cover off and push them into the sewers. This will have to work. 

Fuck. 

They didn’t have to die. You pull the manhole cover back into place and run home, eager to get out of your clothes, out of your skin, away from everything that just happened. As soon as you round the corner, you see Lucas. 

“Hey, Anaïs, right? What are you doing out here so late? I thought I told you to be inside before curfew.”

“A-ah, yes. You did, sir,” you mumble, your hands shaking as you pull out your papers. The doctor had been kind enough to provide documentation of the births, demanding your presence. “I was delivering the Keller children and it took longer than expected. H-here.”

He takes a look at the papers, eyes glancing between the words on the page and your appearance. You had been careful not to get any blood on you, but your hands were still scraped and your clothes dirty.

“Are you okay?” he asks, handing the papers back, eyes narrowing.

“Yeah. I, uh, I just never delivered a child before, much less two,” you say. Not the truth, but not a lie.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Is he… sympathetic?

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?”

“It must have been tough to deliver children when you can’t have any.”

Ah. You forgot you told him that you can’t have children. Which makes his reaction weird because that’s one of the most common insults you hear. How dare any of you have the audacity to have been born or to keep having children, families.

“I, uh, it’s fine. Thank you.” If this is what he wants to believe about you, then that’s fine. So long as he doesn’t realize you’re a fucking murderer. “I should get inside. Thank you, sir.”

He nods and watches as you go inside. 

How fucking _lucky_ did you get today?

As soon as you get in the door of your apartment, you vomit. 

Even if they hated you, they didn’t have to _die_ , did they? Who were you to kill them? 

No. You had to make it home. You have to complete this mission, share what you’ve learned. Find a way, some way to save your people without taking the lives of millions.

_plus, you probably did Liberio Internment Zone a favor by getting rid of them. They were obviously going to rape and kill you._

NO.

_if not you then someone else_

_**No.** _

_who’s to say they hadn’t before? They seemed pretty confident in what they were about to do._

no.

* * *

#### April 854

Something broke in you that day. You feel chipped… No. More like shattered, like that teacup you broke. Sharp edges with too many tiny splinters to be able to fix, to be able to put back together. But you don’t have the luxury of feeling _anything_ about that. Especially not now.

You’ve proven yourself to be adept enough in the medical field that once the head doctor became ill and it became too much for a certain Dr. Yeager to shoulder alone, you were granted full status as a doctor. A specialist in trauma, not that you can wrap your head around it. But two weeks into that, there was a call for doctors— _Eldian_ doctors to treat the dying Eldians because fucking forbid a Marleyan doctor help an Eldian. You being, well, you, were specifically named among doctors conscripted.

Not that you mind. You’ve fought titans. You’ve fought _Marley’s_ titans. And you fucking won. And you’ll do everything you can to make sure your fellow Eldians make it home because you already know that you do.

You have one final shift in the hospital before you’re to meet the soldiers at the eastern gate, so you’re packing now—just essentials—before leaving. Your team should be arriving for the international forum in about three weeks, and you doubt you’ll be back by then.

_ Dearest John, _

_ I miss you so very dearly. I am doing well in Liberio! It’s so different from how it is back home. The Marleyans here are beyond generous to allow us such accommodations. I only wish you could join me.  _

_ I’ve been employed at the hospital here, though I will be shipping off today to the front lines. I am eager to help Marley be victorious in this needless conflict. I’ll be helping patch soldiers up. I feel like I can finally start atoning for our ancestors’ sins. _

_ Be safe, dear brother, and give my well wishes to Shani and Abel. I shall write again when we return victorious! _

_ Until we are reunited, your dear sister, _  
_ Anaïs Arendt _

You’re acutely aware of how the Marleyans read all correspondence entering or leaving the internment zone, but until Jean arrives, you’ll have to send this stupid fucking thing to make sure they know where you are. Levi’s not going to be happy, but you both know a reunion is coming soon. You address the letter to John Kruger at the Hizuru embassy, knowing they’ll keep it for him there.

Shit. 

When you look in the mirror, you don’t recognize yourself. Your eyes… they don’t look like yours anymore. You dyed your hair two nights ago, so the red-hue is more obvious, and you cut it short again, not wanting to deal with the heat of battle and long hair. This doesn’t feel like your body anymore. Doesn’t feel like you anymore.

Well. Enough of that shit. Time to go to work.

As you leave your building, suitcase in hand, your neighbors greet you. They’re kind people with good hearts. Misguided, misinformed, but good. They look out for one another, make sure that needs are met. 

There’s a family of four above you—a blonde mother named Gia, a brunette father named Paul, his father, and their son named Simon. The kid is so excited for life, despite the cruel reality of the world he lives in. You hear them constantly debating whether he should join the Warrior program, but you hope for his sake that they decide against it.

There’s a young man who works with his father in his butcher’s shop who’s taken a liking to you and it’s for his benefit that you display your wedding band around your neck, though he’s either unobservant or heard that your husband is “dead.”

You’ve met the Grice family, a blonde couple older than you. They’re both proud and extremely worried as both of their sons are Warrior candidates—and most likely Warrior inheritors. ~~Apparently Marley thought it was a good idea to have to transfer all six of their titans around the same time instead of staggering them, though to do that would mean cutting someone’s term short.~~ They’re sweet and remind you of Carla Yeager and the concern she had for Eren.

Once arriving in the hospital, you put your suitcase away in the on-call room. Donning your uniform, you start your shift.

“Hey, Dr. Arendt. Dr. Yeager wants you to check out the vegetable in room 104,” says Eva, one of the nurses you haven’t gotten along with. 

“The _vegetable?”_ you ask, tone dangerous.

“Oh, _sorry._ I don’t know what else to call someone who hasn’t woken up in two years,” she bites. This is why you don’t get along with her.

“Keep that up and I’ll have you cleaning bedpans from now ‘till the end of the year.”

She pales and leaves, probably to go tell Dr. Yeager. He’s technically your boss, but he’s too timid, too afraid of you. Makes you wonder how Zeke turned out the way he did.

Heading up to the room, you pause when you read the chart on the door. 

“Mr. Hoover?” 

Your eyes widen when you see the man in a coma. His son looked just like him, probably sported a red armband just like the one he’s wearing now. There’s a clenching in your chest, a tightening with a rush of emotion. Fuck. Of all the scenarios, of all the possibilities, you _never_ thought this would be one of them.

Reading the chart, you see that he has, indeed, been in this coma for the last two years. He had fallen ill while his son was away, and upon hearing that he didn’t return, Mr. Hoover gave up. It had taken two years, but he just… fuck. You check his vitals, noting they’re pretty much the same as they always have been. You call up Eva to change his bedpan and greet her with the pettiest fucking smile you can muster. Once she’s done, you pull up a chair to his bedside and sit.

You grab his hand and rub it absentmindedly before speaking.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Hoover. I’m sorry he didn’t make it back to you. But I want you to know that he didn’t stop fighting. I want you to know that he was loved. Truly. He wasn’t alone in his last moments. It’s something I carry with me, even to this day. I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

_someone’s listening._

Shit.

“Why are you talking to the veg—Mr. Hoover like that?” she sneers.

_she heard you_

“His son died fighting for this great nation, for our liberation. Don’t you think that deserves some kind of thanks?”

“Tch. It didn’t sound like a ‘thanks’ you were giving him.”

_you’re in trouble._

Fuck.

You stand and turn to look at her. You easily tower over her—she’s about Historia’s height—and you see the fear and defiance clear in her eyes.

“You must have misheard. Please, if you’ll excuse me.”

You leave, all of your nerves on fire, screaming at you.

How could you have been so careless? Shit. Shit!

Before you know where you’re going, your feet take you outside to the hospital garden. There are some beautiful Delphinieae that grow here, and you wonder if no one knows their herbalism. You pick some, roots and all, without a second thought. 

Pocketing it, you head back inside, into your office. Grabbing a pestle and mortar, you grind the plant up. 

“Forgive me,” you whisper as you take the ground aconite and place it in a napkin. 

Forgive me for doing this. But you already know that there is no forgiveness possible. You’re supposed to be here to _help_ people, to find a solution. What a monster this mission is making you. But you can’t stop. You have to finish this. You _do_ finish this.

Walking to the kitchen with the folded napkin in your pocket, you pass by Dr. Yeager. You offer a kind smile, hiding the fracturing of your soul. “Good morning, Dr. Yeager.” Whose voice is that? It is not yours. It’s the voice of a stranger. So why’s it coming from your mouth, falling from your lips?

You boil some tea, something overly fragrant, add the powder, and cut the taste with an additive. 

Writing a note, specifying it’s for you and you’ll be right back, will be enough. She is constantly eating your food as some kind of petty retribution. 

You lock yourself in the restroom until you hear the panicked yelling. Pushing out of the bathroom, you run, pretending like you didn’t know what you were going to find. Pretending like you weren’t the one to cause it. Pretending like you were going to try to save her life.

It was much quicker than you had anticipated until you realized she drank the entire cup. It was a simultaneous heart attack and stroke and you guys were ill-equipped to help. 

Is there any part of you worth salvaging? Any part worth the family you left behind? The family you’re killing to get back to?

❦

Dr. Yeager has a meltdown, and it comes to light that this happens often, ever since his son was sent to paradise. You try to comfort him the best you can, but it’s hard to tell whether you’re trying to comfort him or yourself. The evening doctor comes in early and you’re dismissed to catch the train.

Lucas is there with the other guards, Beck and Daniels, waiting for the conscripted Eldians. He greets you with an odd friendliness and comments on the events of the war. He’s confident that Marley will finish this, and soon. You’ll be heading to the Marley encampment near Fort Slava via train then armored transport. You’re the only one with the title doctor that will be going—the rest of the medical professionals are either students, interns, or nurses—which means that you’ll most likely be sent up to one of the elite units.

It’s astounding to think that they’re totally fine with sending in medics with hardly _any_ medical experience and absolutely _no_ combat experience. But then again, these men before you with guns equipped respect you a hell of a lot more than the ones actually calling the shots. You’re beyond grateful that you actually have combat experience, that you know what it is you’re getting yourself into.

For once, you’re grateful that you’re a Verite.


	48. Battle of Fort Slava **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _and here you are living_   
>  _despite it all_
> 
> Rupi Kaur

The terrain here is unforgiving. The hilltop this fucking fort is on is completely barren, though by planned destruction or pure coincidence, you aren’t sure, but it’s strategically brilliant. Marley can’t advance without risking their entire vanguard—comprised entirely of Eldians and their Marleyan captains, though you’ll never see _them_ risking _their_ lives, only giving orders. In addition to that, there are pillboxes lining the base of the fort, preventing the deployment of the Warriors. Not that you’re particularly itching to see Reiner or Zeke again ~~though you kind of are because you’re fucking tired of this fight and you’ve only been here a month~~.

Many of the physicians conscripted are now either dead or seriously injured and unable to help. There’s perhaps only one doctor and one nurse—if you’re lucky, which you aren’t—per thousand Eldians. You’ve had to perform countless amputations, soothe so many fucking burns, cleanse soldiers from chemical warfare exposure, fashion splints time and again, treat gunshot wounds… Many of your soldiers died, but you were glad to see that a good amount also survived thanks to you. 

~~Almost helps you get past being a murderer.~~

It’s fucking hot here, sweltering, really. You’re finishing up the sutures to a fresh amputation when your pathetic excuse for a captain runs to you ~~he honestly makes Woerman look like a fierce and courageous leader~~. 

“Arendt! You have new orders!” he pants, thrusting the documentation into your open hand. “You’re to report to Commander Magath!”

What? He’s in the front with the Warrior candidates. Why? “I—uh, wha—”

“No time for that! Their doctor’s dead and you’re the closest and most competent!”

Of fucking course you are. You cast an uneasy glance at the men you’re to leave behind, bloody and bruised, but you can’t argue. You _really_ miss Erwin.

“Sir!” 

Thanking the stars that you had finished prior to his arrival, you prepare to leave. 

“Wait! I’m to give you this—” he shouts, throwing a blue armband at you. At your curious look he elaborates. “The doctor for the Warriors needs to be easy to spot! Keep your grey one for when we win this!”

You nod, switching the armbands, and take off down the slit trench. 

What the ever loving fuck have you gotten yourself into? You needed information on the Warrior program, on Magath, but _this?!_ This was something else. Turning the corner, you see that cannonfire had imploded the path up ahead. Shit. You’re going to have to climb over this, expose yourself. Giving yourself fully to your instincts, you go.

A pause in gunfire—up, over. They’re about three hundred meters from you. You can make it in less than a minute if you’re lucky.

The _rat-a-tat-tat_ starts up again and you grab the body of a fallen Eldian as cover. ~~_Thank fucking Levi for this_~~! 

Pause. Drop the body. Run. You risk a glance up, see some figures up ahead, further than your goal—there. A yellow armband. But it’s—it’s just a kid! 

The distant _boom_ of cannonfire. _rat-a-tat-tat_. Dip into a ranger grave. 

Pause. Hop to your feet. Keep going. Keep pushing. Another glance. It hit not too far from them. Shit. While the other soldiers the kid was with are definitely down—too far gone for you to even help, you can save him. You can help!

Push. _Push_. **_PUSH_**. 

There’s blood coming from his head. Shit. The gunfire starts up again and you manage to dodge the attacks ~~_thankfuckinggod you’re a Verite_~~. Closer. _Closer_.

Pause. You grab him, cradle him to your front.

“Hold on!” 

He does, though it’s a weak grip. 

Maybe if you can save this one child, you can be done. This child. This is your mission right now. This is—

_FUCK._

Your dream comes to mind and you falter for a moment in your run before continuing. The trench is right in front of you.

_duck_

You duck at the warning, at the sound of the gunfire, and roll, holding him even closer to you, protecting him with your body. He lets out a soft _“oof!”_ but is otherwise okay.

“FALCO!”

A blonde man, missing his helmet, shouts at you, urging you forward. 

“C’mon Falco, we’re almost there,” you grumble, pushing yourself back up, forward. You’re at the edge of the trench, vaguely aware of the other soldiers, the other _children_ yelling at you, for you, but all you can focus on is transferring this child into the man’s arms.

_DANGER_

Before you finish handing him over, you flatten yourself to him, to the ground, feeling the stripe of heat and the loud _whizz!_ as the bullet misses you.

The man’s eyes widen before you’re both pulled into the trench by several sets of hands.

The Marleyan commander comes out of the dugout and looks at you, dirty and on your back, before turning to the blonde and asking for a status report. He has to ask twice because the man’s shocked at everything that just happened.

“It was a direct hit,” he says, eyes still on you as you push yourself onto your feet and turn to Falco and the other children. All of them are wearing yellow armbands. They’re all staring intently at him, asking questions.

You wave them away, ask for them to step back, and the kid with glasses gets you the medkit. 

“Who are you?” the brunette girl asks.

“Dr. Anaïs Arendt, at your service,” you grunt, taking the kit and opening it for sanitation swabs. The blonde girl hands you a water canteen, and, as much as you hate wasting fresh water, you use it to wash away the blood and dirt from his wound. 

He whimpers at the pressure, but you can’t go easy on him right now. Once that’s clear, you cleanse the wound with the alcohol swabs, ignoring his hissing of pain and his friends explaining the details of the war. Shit. He probably has a concussion. The kid with glasses, Udo, hands you the bandage, and you quickly apply it. When it’s secure, you pull out a miniature flashlight.

“Look at the light,” you order, and he opens his eyes as you turn it on and check his pupil dilation. He’s coming to, answering their questions and responding to their quips appropriately. Good. It’s slight, and you’d like to have him sit out, but you know that Magath’s calling the shots here. 

The brunette, Gabi, answers Falco’s—and your—question, informing you both that they’re here to determine who will inherit Reiner’s titan. His time is coming to a close. Annie’s too. Shit.

Feeling confident that his wounds are cared for, you turn to greet your new superior. He’s… shorter than you imagined him to be, with dark, unforgiving eyes and a short undercut. He beckons you into the dugout with his officer and the blonde warrior candidate. 

It’s a hell of a lot nicer than the others you had experienced thus far. At the officer’s request, you present your papers and introduce yourself. Magath raises his eyebrows at your title.

“ _Doctor?_ ”

“Yes, sir. I’m an immigrant who had been taught prior to arrival in Marley. I’m employed by the hospital in the internment zone.”

The officer hands over your papers after having parsed through them, allowing Magath to look at them. You assess the candidate next to you, who notices and introduces himself.

“Colt Grice,” he offers, extending a hand.

“Grice? Oh, I know your parents,” you remark.

Magath clears his throat and your attention returns to him. “This is quite the history, Ms. Arendt.” _Doctor._ But fuck if you’re going to correct him. ~~You miss home so fucking much.~~. “So _you’re_ the best they can send me?”

“It appears so, sir.” If only he knew the weapon he had in front of him.

“Colt tells me that _you_ , a medical officer with _no_ combat experience, managed to save Falco and avoid getting hit, almost like you could sense it before it happened.”

“I’ve always been told I have killer instincts, sir.”

“Hm. In any event, your job here is to make sure these candidates make it home. Got it?”

“Yes, sir.”

He appraises you momentarily before getting up and handing your papers back to you. You follow him and the officer out of the dugout to talk with the candidates.

“We need to destroy their Anti-Titan Artillery, but we can’t do that without taking out the machine gun slaughtering us first.”

If this was your team, you’d have already gone and found a way to deal with it ~~probably yourself or with Levi~~ , but it isn’t so you keep your mouth shut. You weren’t as indispensable to the Marleyan military as you were your own, at least, not that they knew, so insubordination would be punished more harshly. 

“They’ve got soldiers along every inch of the trench and the men on top of the fort can fire at us whenever they want.”

You’re here as a medical officer. That’s it. 

“If we stay here too long, they’ll shower us with shells!”

Nope. Here you have no combat experience. You’re not a commanding officer. You’re not the bitch who took out the Armored Titans’ eyes twice. You’re not the bitch who survived the transformation of the largest titan ever seen. You’re not the bitch who survived an attack orchestrated by arguably the most terrifying serial killer of all time. You’re not third of your class, second of Levi Squad, third of the Survey Corps. Here you are a doctor. An Eldian with no say.

“Do you have a better idea, Colt?” Magath challenges.

You don’t. ~~Not one that would be approved. Not one that you’re going to voice.~~

Colt recommends setting loose the Jaw and Cart Titans—the quadruped?—but Magath’s train of thought mirrors yours. Until the tracks are taken care of, they’re at risk. Sure enough, the armored train arrives to prove his point. His officer starts describing the firing power of the train and you know that if you guys don’t act soon, it isn’t going to be used only on the titans.

“But both of our titans are incredibly fast. The odds of hitting their nape—”

“Is higher than you think and not worth the risk.”

Magath turns to you, scrutinizing you. “Killer instinct?”

You shrug. You’re in it now. Might as well. “Given the specifications just listed, a well placed shot will not only hit the nape, but tear through it. The train has four carriages, each equipped with the weaponry necessary to take out titans, which means that they could easily adjust their positioning to their projected locations once they appear. Unless the train is taken out, any appearance by either would seriously compromise Marley’s power.”

Not like that’s what you’re hoping for, anyway. 

His eyes narrow, but he chooses not to reply. Colt takes the opportunity to throw out another possibility.

“What is it that makes our motherland Marley so great?” he asks Colt.

“The Power of the Titans.”

That same power they so desperately want to eradicate. For a country hellbent on colonization, their plans for the Founding Titan are pretty careless. Their military is woefully ill-equipped for warfare like this, their only saving grace _being_ the titans.

“Correct. Our nation won’t last if we keep losing ‘em.”

No, it will not. And while that would result in arguably the best solution for the survival of Paradis, it wouldn’t discount the rest of the world’s hostility.

“The Power of the Titans is absolute, and it must always remain that way. Prepare the Eldian Unit for attack.”

“Sir!”

You suppress the urge to stop Colt as he yells, “Commander Magath! But that’s—”

_danger_

“What’s the matter, Eldian? Are you not warriors who swore loyalty to Marley?”

Colt pales under Magath’s violent glare as the latter explains the honor that it would be for the Eldian Unit to fight, to die for Marley. Eight-hundred lives when you could do it. Eight-hundred lives.

Magath orders the Warrior Unit and you to stand by during this suicide run and you bite your tongue so hard you taste metal. ~~Eight-hundred lives when **one** of Paradis’ most skilled soldiers could do this.~~ The train needs to be destroyed before Reiner and Zeke can attack. 

Colt doesn’t like the plan anymore than you do, and you feel for the kid, for the future Beast Titan. He’d make a better leader than Zeke. 

The steady sound of the metal wheels chugging along the tracks gets closer. They’re near. The buzzing in the back of your mind tells you they’re considering their attack, but to say something is to reveal yourself. You can’t, for the same reason you can’t offer to do the mission yourself.

Gabi speaks up, holding a pack of grenades that have been strung together. _This little shit_ , you chuckle to yourself. Falco and Udo try to object, but she’s determined to be the one to inherit Reiner’s armor. Magath tries to object, Marley’s spent too much money training her, but she says what you’ve been thinking: What’s one skilled Eldian to eight-hundred others? They could always train more.

“And if you fail?”

“You lose one promising candidate and seven grenades. But—if you think I’m more valuable than eight-hundred Eldian soldiers, I totally understand! You love me so much that you’d rather sacrifice the lives of eight-hundred soldiers over me—”

Smart girl.

He bows his head and gives the order, much to the dismay of the other candidates. She promises to prove her worth as the inheritor of the Armored Titan before she starts stripping to her under clothes.

“What are you doing?” Magath asks as you step forward to take her uniform.

“She’ll appear less of a threat this way,” you explain. It’s how you are able to be here, with Marley. You’re a woman. Unassuming. Underestimated. Deadly. 

She gives you a smirk before addressing Magath again. “For this to succeed, please let me remove my armband.” It pains you to hear that this capable young girl _wants_ to wear it, wants the reminder of being “less than.” He agrees while you help fasten the grenades to her bare ankle. 

“You got this,” you whisper, her blanket determination reminding you of yourself when you were younger. It speaks to the determination you have now while carrying through this mission. Her smile deepens as she climbs out of the trench. 

You fold her uniform, keeping it ready for her before closing your eyes and keeping your ears open. 

The sound of footsteps approaching pulls you out of your concentration on her safety and you look up to see Colt eyeing you carefully.

“How’d you know that the risk of the titans wouldn’t be worth it?”

It’s not malicious, not in violent interrogation. Curiosity and insecurity. You look down the line to see the rest of them watching Gabi’s actions. You sigh before speaking.

“My husband was in the military. He’d treat me like a partner, confide in me. I picked up a lot of strategy from him.”

Fuck if you don’t miss him right now.

“Oh. You’re married?”

“Widowed.” His eyes drop, like he’s ashamed, like he’s apologetic. 

“You’re going to be the Beast Titan, right? The leader of the Warriors?” A possible ally?

“Yeah.”

“You’re worried you aren’t measuring up to the current one, aren’t you?” His eyes flicker back to you in surprise, and if he asks, you’ll chalk it up to ‘killer instinct.’ You recognize it though. It reminds you of Jean during the attack on Trost. “Listen. My husband once told me of a soldier of his who had been promoted. The first battle, it was desperate. The conditions were horrible and enemies were surrounding them all. Of his eight-man unit, he lost three because of a judgment call. But he made a great leader.”

“But he lost his men—”

“He made a great leader, not because he was strong, but because he knew what it was to be _weak._ It meant that he was relatable to his soldiers, he _knew_ the cost of human life and knew what needed to be done to prevent it. His strength was in the judgment, in knowing what it was to be weak, to fail. But he never gave up. I can see it in you—you’re not going to give up and you have value for the men under you. Don’t morph into someone else’s idea of leadership.”

_danger_

You hop up, using the box you were sitting on to stand and look over the trench wall. He does the same, and you see the rifle aiming at her as she falls.

“She’s not—!” he starts.

“No. She’s okay. Watch,” you urge.

Her head shifts a little, or, at least you think it does through the dust, and the armored train starts to pass in front of her. She’s waiting to get them both in one go. _Smart_ girl. Three, two, —

She stands, screaming, preparing herself to throw the grenades at the train. It hits her mark—taking out the train between the first and second cars, just above the pillbox. She jumps for joy and you feel that flash, that tingle of danger. _No._ She’s running back towards you as your eyes try to make it through the smoke, try to see the danger. 

There’s a flash of lightning, familiar warmth, and hot wind that blows past you as the Jaw Titan leaps forward to protect her. Gunfire comes from the smoke and it takes everything in you to play your part, pretend you don’t know how to fire a rifle, how to save this girl’s life in more ways than one. 

“FALCO! COME BACK!” Colt shouts besides you, redirecting your attention to the small blonde running towards her, beckoning her forth.

The Jaw Titan protects them just as they dive into a foxhole. He runs forward with amazing agility to take out the survivor before heading towards the fort. Colt leaps over the trench to grab Gabi and Falco and you welcome them back when they cross over. 

Giving her back her clothes, you listen as she excitedly declares that she is _definitely_ going to inherit her cousin’s— _cousin?!_ —titan and is going to prove to the world what a _good_ Eldian is before wiping off those island devils. It’s a punch to the gut, a painful reminder that these people, the same ones you’re working so hard to save, see you as the enemy. As something inherently evil, somehow different. Honestly? You’d be surprised if the Eldians back home didn’t view the Marleyan Eldians the same.

You fake a smile and congratulations as the Eldian Unit rushes forward to attack enemies on the ground and you want to scream, want to cry out for them, for their safety. 

It’s both relieving and terrifying to watch as the Jaw Titan works to destroy the tracks and pillboxes around the perimeter of the fort, working to save the Eldians, though you aren’t sure if it’s to save the Eldians or show off his abilities, prove his worth. At least. You think it’s a he given the facial hair of the titan.

There’s a loud thundering heard over the _crack!_ and _rat-a-tat-tat_ of guns around you, encouraging you to look. There’s the Cart Titan, a panzer unit strapped to their back, taking out pillboxes in the other direction. Good. You want to get back to your apartment in Liberio. Your team should have arrived by now and _fuck_ what you wouldn’t give to see them again.

“Why’d a Marleyan like me get shot at?! You Eldians are supposed to soak up the bullets!” 

Turning, you see Magath’s officer bleeding from his wrist.

“If I may, sir?” you offer as Udo hands you the medkit again. “Thank you, Udo.” 

While patching him up, Falco disappears and reappears a couple minutes later, dragging an enemy soldier towards the trench.

“What are you doing, Falco?” Gabi asks, helping him lower the man.

“He’s injured. He’s in no shape to fight anymore,” he explains before asking you for a tourniquet. He’s a good kid. You nudge Udo and he provides the tourniquet.

“Screw the enemy,” says the Marleyan whose wrist you’re currently wrapping. 

“Is _that_ supposed to be your selling point?” Gabi asks Falco, pointing out that they’re up for the same titan. “You really think obeying the laws of war will earn you the titan?”

You’ll have to read up on the laws of war, but you suppose they’d be hard to enforce if Marley didn’t want to play ball. Perhaps there would be something within to help Paradis?

“Like I care?” Falco responds coolly. You like this kid. 

The soldier he’s helping mutters something and Udo stops working. Falco urges Udo to translate, to encourage the soldier that he’s been treated, and Udo whispers the soldier’s translated words.

_Don’t touch me. I’ll be tainted. You devil._

The officer starts laughing at the translation while a heavy weight presses on all of you.

There’s a blinding white light with a trail of white smoke that shoots into the sky—a flare? Is this what their flares look like? The soldiers start to run back to the trenches as Gabi looks to the sky. You follow her line of sight to see the airship dropping people. No—not people. _Eldians._ They parachute off the airship before they all transform and the sky is illuminated medallion yellow. 

_This._ This is all you’re good for, according to Marley. This is why you’ll always be hated by the rest of the world. This is such a waste of human life, but so is all war. 

Looking at the team around you, you realize they’ve never seen a titan before, not a pure titan. 

“Those devils. Our Marleyan ancestors were eaten, just like that,” the officer besides you sneers. “By you _Eldians._ ”

Yeah. And your friends were killed by those same things Marleyans sent overseas. They can tout history all they want, and you honestly couldn’t deny the atrocities committed by the Fritz family throughout the centuries—shit, your existence was _proof_ of those atrocities—but it couldn’t just be historical hatred as a justification for genocide. The cycle of hatred has to stop somewhere. 

Right?

Another parachute, different in shape, probably easier to control, floats down. Reiner? The lightning confirms your hunch and you see the familiar red and gold of his titan. Remember the heat that poured from him as you stood on his shoulder. Remember the howl of his titan as you plunged those thunder spears into his eyes. 

But circumstances have changed. You understand why he did it, now. As much as it is killing you to have murdered those three people, you could only imagine how much pain it was for him to have to kill his friends. Perhaps you could reason with him? From one Eldian to another, someone who’s experienced both sides? Perhaps the man you once considered a brother was still in there somewhere?

* * *

#### Slava Hospital

Zeke had destroyed the Mid-East Allies’ warships, effectively ending the war. The leaders of the Marleyan military are briefly going over their options, reviewing the intricacies of the war while you’re treating the elite Eldians who were wounded. There are only a small handful of doctors available, and, apparently since you have that blue fucking armband, you’re the one calling the shots? Which is fine, but of the doctors here, the only thing you surpass them in is being able to perform medically during wartime scenarios. It’s also incredibly concerning to you that you’re in charge of checking in with the Warriors, not just the candidates. ~~Thankfully Zeke is in the war meeting as “war chief” of the Warriors.~~

You learn the identities of the Jaw and Cart Titans. Porco Galliard and Pieck Finger. Porco is… rough around the edges. Very blunt. He reminds you a little of Jean and Eren before they matured in that regard. He’s wary of you at first, despite still trying to flirt. Pieck interjected with the examination and told him to cut it out.

She, surprisingly, doesn’t quite remember you. Perhaps it’s your hair color? Or the lack of dirt and grime and blood? But she doesn’t remember that you threatened her four years ago. Which is good. Despite the reality of who she is and her participation in Bertolt and Erwin’s deaths, she’s… kind. You weren’t expecting that, but perhaps that was just your own prejudices, your own grudge against her. She’s been in titan form for so long that it hurts her to stand upright. Without needing to check her out, you already know that her bones and muscles have healed properly, meaning that it’s psychological. Her mind has gotten used to being quadruped that her nerves don’t quite know how to relay the information. She’s very impressed by you—your status as a doctor. An Eldian female doctor. 

Pieck leaves the room to lay down, and Porco stays while you check on Reiner. It makes you nervous, him being here when you’re so close to Reiner, so close to potentially being discovered. The weaponry had shot clean through Reiner’s armor, seriously injuring him. You knew he’d be fine, physically, but it wasn’t his physical status you were worried about. You leave the room to make some tea, desperately needing _something_ to calm your nerves. 

As you peer outside the window, you see Zeke and Colt talking atop a building. Zeke. You would kill him right now if it wouldn’t jeopardize your ability to go home, your ability to try to save your people. It’s like your entire existence is screaming at you to kill him, end this threat, and it’s only the love you have for your people that’s holding you back. 

You return to the room and hear the gentle sounds of talking before you stop in the hallway.

“I still haven’t thanked you for back then. Galliard—”

“Don’t thank me. If I inherited the Armored Titan nine years ago, this wouldn’t have happened. My brother wouldn’t have protected you and been eaten by a Titan, either.”

No wonder he’s so bitter. Bertolt had mentioned that Reiner had put on a facade, pretended to be someone else while he was in Paradis after the death of their friend. Their friend had to be Porco’s brother. 

“No. But I learned enough from that girl before me, Ymir?” 

“What the hell were you doing on that island? Getting saved by someone new every day?” 

Reiner’s dejected “yeah” cuts through you in a way you hadn’t anticipated. You want to go in there, shield him from this life he’s been forced to live, remind him that despite having tried to kill each other four years ago, you were like siblings before that. But you can’t. All that anger you once held, that betrayal, it melted away when you came to this fucking land. 

“Oh, why are you waiting outside?” Pieck asks sweetly, coming towards you.

“I, uh, I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation.” Your lie is meek, pathetic, but she doesn’t object. 

“Come now, they won’t bite.” She opens the door and walks in. “Pock, let’s not pick on people who just took cannons to the face.”

You slip in behind her, trying to melt into the background. It works, kind of. Porco looks at you briefly before directing his attention to Pieck, and Reiner shifts to allow Pieck to sit on his bed.

“Quit calling me that, Pieck,” Porco responds, eyes flashing to you for a second. You turn away to hide your smirk. 

“You alright?” 

“It’s been two months since I’ve been human. I kinda forgot the whole bipedal thing. By the way, you oughta see Gabi and the others. They’re worried.”

You hear the gentle sounds of the bed creaking. “I think I will.”

Shit. You have to be a doctor or they’re gonna fucking know. You interviewed the both of them before letting them leave, it’ll be suspicious if you don’t do the same for him. 

Heat and anxiety rushes through you, coating your insides until you feel heavy. You turn and make eye contact with Reiner.

“Before you do, Mr. Braun, I’d like to complete a medical assessment. We can go into another room if you’d like?”

His only response is stunned silence while his eyes try to piece together your appearance, reconcile your voice to you. 

“Oh, I think Rei’s in love,” Pieck coos. “Come on, Pock. Let’s leave him alone.”

“No, it’s okay. You just got here,” you smile. “Well, Mr. Braun?” You hold the door open for him and he slowly steps through, eyes never leaving you.

If this isn’t going to be interesting, you don’t know what will be.


	49. Reiner Pt. I **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _all of us,_   
>  _despite our hearts_
> 
> _(and their violent_   
>  _tendencies)_
> 
> _are in the process_   
>  _of surviving._
> 
>   
> Alison Malee, "processing"

* * *

#### Slava Hospital - Reiner

The Anti-Titan Artillery pierced through his armor like a knife slicing through butter. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

_ “I don’t wanna die!” _

He was still haunted by that day, by his actions in Paradis. How could he not?

All of it—

All of it was a mistake.

He wasn’t supposed to have been the one to go. It should have been Porco, but his mom needed it more than anything. She needed that hope, that promise of salvation, of reunion with the bastard who wanted them both dead.

He could never tell her about that confrontation. He couldn’t tell her a lot, and he hated himself for it. She would never understand, not really. He didn’t. Not until the Cadet Corps had started and he ingratiated himself in their community. All of them did.

It was his own fucking selfishness that drove them to continue after Marcel’s sacrifice. After Reiner ran away like a coward.

_Sorry, Reiner. You weren’t supposed to be chosen as a Warrior in the first place. I influenced the army’s decision by putting you on a pedestal and making my little brother look bad. I wanted to protect my brother. I’m sorry._

The reality of Marcel’s words still ring in his ears. Not a day goes by that they don’t cut deeper. Especially with his death at the hands of Ymir afterward. He spent five years trying to prove that he _was_ a chosen one. He _deserved_ the Armor.

But it was all a lie. Every single action.

Selfish.  
Pathetic.  
Worthless.

He got Bertolt killed and Annie captured.

He carried the weight of those murders, every single murder at the hands of titans within the Walls on his shoulders. Every single soldier. Every single child. Every single _friend._

Thomas.  
Melius.  
Mina.  
Nac.  
Franz.  
Hannah.  
Marco.

~~Fucking~~ **_Marco._**

He was a coward. He should have died that day in Shiganshina. It should have been him instead of Bertolt.

Bertolt had finally had some _semblance_ of happiness, and Reiner’s selfishness took it from him. All because Reiner didn’t want to go home a disappointment. Because Reiner wanted to do right by his mom, be enough for her because his ~~father~~ never would be.

He…

He had genuinely thought of everyone as his friends, despite what he told Annie. Despite what he told himself. 

He had allowed himself to feel like he had an adoptive family with them. People who never knew the truth of what Eldia did to the world. Never knew the truth of the atonement that was needed. People who treated him the way he had always wanted to be treated as.

A hero.  
A friend.  
Someone worthwhile.

He wanted to be all of that so bad that he even fooled himself into believing it. Annie and Bertolt were constant reminders that he wasn’t. Annie hated him. He hated him. The only one who didn’t was Bertolt. The only one who knew the _truth_ of him and didn’t hate him was Bertolt.

That day in Shiganshina still haunts him.

He was hiding in Wall Maria, listening to the movements of the Scouts. An acoustic round had gone off, then all was silent, until someone knocked on the wood barrier he had created to hide the cavity he had carved out with his titan. He hadn’t been expecting the scream of his name and for Levi to slice through him so quickly. He kicked himself for underestimating Armin’s strategic mind, even now, four years later.

He kicked himself even more for doubting _you._ Bertolt and Annie both tried to warn him about your close ties to Commander Erwin and Captain Levi. You were his sister. The person on that island he was closest to besides Bertolt. You didn’t know the truth of him, but you accepted everything he had shown you. He used to be certain that you could be convinced to come back with them, be saved from the fate of the island. 

You had never used your power on him. Bertolt told him what it was like, but he doubted any kind of description could have prepared him for your power or your anger. It was… unparalleled. You threw those five years in his face. Not just everything he felt, but everything _you_ felt. He accepted the way you felt betrayed, the way you felt like you were mourning your family, but he couldn’t accept, couldn’t _believe_ your nightmares. 

Since then, he’s blindly accepted whatever fate he’s been thrown. When he was tied up and Jean was threatening to kill him, he was ready. Again when he returned to Marley and Magath wanted to transfer his Armor. Right now, after nearly being blown to bits. 

He’s been wishing for death for the past four years, but he wants to see his mom one last time before he does. Even still, it’s taking him longer to heal. Maybe his body is giving up on him, too.

He lets his mind drift off, tired of existence.

❦

_He’s in Wall Maria again, waiting. There’s a thud and a shout. He pushes out to see who’s knocking. The cool air hits his face and it’s almost refreshing. Rubble falls on him from above and he turns to look, watching in horror as Captain Levi is diving towards him, blade extended. No—_

_It morphs into an unfamiliar room, an unfamiliar house. But he’s been here before, he knows it. There’s soft sounds coming from the room at the end of the hall, and he goes to investigate it. As soon as he sees Bertolt, his heart drops. You’re in his arms, holding him, kissing him, and Reiner wants to leave, but Bertolt’s grip on you tightens and pulls you to expose you to Reiner. Reiner can’t seem to control his body as he steps forward. He looks down, and there’s a knife in his hand. He tries to pull, tries to run, tries to **stop** this— **NO,** please **don’t make him stab you** —Why is his body betraying him? Why can’t he control it?! Blood pools from the place where the knife pierces your skin and NO JUST WAIT—_

“It sounded like you were having a nice dream. So I decided not to wake you up.”

Galliard. 

He’s relieved that it’s fucking Galliard because he’s possibly the only person who truly knows what a piece of shit Reiner is. 

“I still haven’t given you my thanks for earlier, Galliard. I owe you one.”

Galliard grunts while he finishes chewing the sandwich he had just bitten. After swallowing, he responds. “No you don’t. It wasn’t you I saved. I just saved my motherland of Marley from losing the Armor as a result of you fucking up. Don’t thank me. If I inherited the Armored Titan nine years ago, this wouldn’t have happened. My brother wouldn’t have protected you and been eaten by a titan, either.”

Can’t argue with him there.

“Can you see Marcel’s memories?”

“No. But I learned enough from that girl before me. Ymir? You only brought back Jaws because she gave herself up, right?”

“Yeah. She did.”

“What the hell were you doing on that island? Getting saved by someone new every day?”

“Yeah.” It’s the bitter pill he’s had to swallow every day for nine years. Never the savior. Never the hero. Always the victim. Always in need of saving.

“I saw you through her memories. What was with you? You were acting like some kind of strong, reliable figure, like you were trying to imitate Marcel.”

Who wouldn’t rather be Marcel than Reiner? “You’re exactly right, Galliard. Everything you’re saying is exactly right.”

Galliard’s anger turns to shock as the door opens and Pieck walks through, leaning on a crutch. Someone walks in after her, but he sees the blue armband and stops paying attention. They’re smaller than Miller, but it hardly matters. Doctors aren’t really needed for the Warriors.

“Pock, let’s not pick on people who just took cannons to the face.” 

He scoots over for Pieck to join him on his bed now that he’s sitting upright. It’s curious to see Galliard watch the doctor, but he’s probably just frustrated that Pieck hasn’t let that grade school nickname go, especially in front of an outsider.

“Quit calling me that, Pieck.”

“It’s been two months since I’ve been human. I kinda forgot the whole bipedal thing. By the way,” she says, turning to Reiner, “you oughta see Gabi and the others. They’re worried.”

Of course they are. It still pisses him off that his aunt and uncle wanted Gabi to join the candidacy program. How could they want this kind of future for her? Cursed to be a monster, cursed to thirteen years? Cursed to inherit Reiner’s memories?

“I think I will.” He stands, letting Pieck lean back onto the bed, and the doctor turns around. 

It’s a woman. Since when are _women_ allowed to be doctors? Since when did _Magath_ approve an Eldian _female_ doctor? She’s pretty, despite looking exhausted, and there’s something familiar about her eyes…

“Before you do, Mr. Braun, I’d like to complete a medical assessment. We can go into another room if you’d like?”

That… that _voice_. It can’t be. But the more he looks, the more he sees. It’s… you? Your hair is kinda red, and your face is definitely more mature. You’re a little taller than when he last saw you, but it’s _you_. It has to be.

“Oh, I think Rei’s in love. Come on, Pock. Let’s leave him alone.”

“No, it’s okay. You just got here.” The smile you give Pieck is the same one you used to give him. It’s you. What the hell? How the hell are you here right now? **_Why_** are you here right now? “Well, Mr. Braun?” you ask, having crossed the room and opened the door.

He follows your lead, needing to have this conversation away from them. Pieck’s too perceptive and Galliard would kill you without thinking twice. If you didn’t kill him first. Reiner should kill you. He knows he should, for Marley. If you’re here, then the others can’t be too far behind.

You lead him into a small office, a small workspace meant to keep records and patient files and as soon as you shut the door behind you, he has you by the throat pressed against the door.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he snaps, keeping his voice low. 

The smile you give him is daring him, begging him, almost, to snap your neck, to kill you. “Good to see you, too, _Rei_ ,” you hiss, though your voice is lacking venom. “Mind letting me go?”

He releases you and it feels like his hand is burning. He repeats the question, and you just encourage him to sit. As he does, you walk around the desk and sit, eyes flickering to the door.

“I’m here to give you a medical assessment, like I said I would.”

No. That’s a lie. He knows it is. So why, when you extend your hand, palm up, does he take it?

* * *

#### Unknown - The Coordinate

_ He’s somewhere that’s both familiar and not. He should know this place. The sky is expansive, speckled with dancing lights, trails that lead to a pillar of light at the end of the horizon. He hears a soft sigh and turns. _

_**“C’mon, Reiner. We have some catching up to do.”**_

_ Despite his better judgment, he follows. You lead him closer to the light and the sand seems to shift in consistency, growing wet. What is this place? _

_ Almost like you’re reading his mind, you answer. **“We’re in the Coordinate. This is where Ymir builds your titan body and heals your human one.”** _

_ How is it that you know this? How is it that you’re both here right now? _

_**“This is how my ability works. Each time I See into the past or future, I do so by tapping into that,”** you explain, pointing towards the pillar. **“It’s the Source of All. What Marley wants you to believe is the Devil of All Earth. What it**_ ** really _is, is the way all Eldians are connected to one another. Every single living Eldian and every single deceased Eldian are connected to that single point. I am able to tap into it, read a Path, if you will. While here, we can talk freely.”_**

_ So that’s why you brought him here. His eyes flicker to the light, then to you. You raise an eyebrow and all he can do is take in how much has changed. You’re… more confident in your abilities. More dangerous. There’s a darkness behind your eyes that never was before, and he wonders what happened to take that light from you before he remembers it was probably him. _

_**“Reiner. If you have something to ask,**_ ** ask _. I know time passes differently here, but perhaps we should get this moving?”_** _Always no nonsense._

_**“Why are you here?”**_

_ You sigh, rolling your neck, before answering. **“I’m here to conduct reconnaissance. I want to find a peaceful solution to Paradis’ existence.”**_

_ He snorts. That’d be lovely. Fantastic, even. But it’s never going to happen. **“No really.”** _

_**“Really, Reiner. Our options are limited. All we want is some**_ **fucking _peace. **You** of all people should be able to understand that.”_**

_**“Suppose I buy that. How’d you get here? What are you doing here?”**_

_**“I can’t disclose—no. I**_ ** won’t _disclose how I got here, for national security reasons, but I’ll tell you what I’m doing and what I’ve been doing. Sound good?”_**

_ He shrugs. **“Sure.”** He honestly can’t believe that you’re here right now, across the ocean, as a doctor of all things._

_**“I am a registered Eldian immigrant with Marley. As far as they’re concerned, I have a brother overseas and a dead husband—”**_

_**“Husband?”** he asks incredulously._

_ He watches as you pull a chain from under your shirt, holding a simple silver wedding band. You’re… married. Truly. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have made that a part of your cover story. You wouldn’t have risked carrying silver on you unnecessarily. _

_**“Who?”** The question leaves his lips before he can stop it._

_**“Levi.”** _

_Levi._ _Levi? He had dismissed Bertolt’s concerns back then, but— Levi?!_

_**“Anyway,”** you continue, **“I’m a doctor on Paradis. I’ve been able to study Marleyan technology and medicine and am a proficient fucking doctor.”** He snorts at your profanity and your eyes soften for just a moment. He’s never met anyone who cusses as much as you, and he doubts that’ll change. **“I work under Zeke’s grandfather at the hospital in the internment zone. Apparently, Marley doesn’t like training their Eldian doctors before putting them in combat—probably hoping for a public health crisis—and they sent out a call for capable doctors within combat eligible ages. I was the best they had. The others they sent me with are either dead or crippled.** _

_**“I was with the Eldian Unit until the doctor for the Warrior Unit died. I was both the closest and the most competent and here I fucking am. As for what I plan on doing, I am looking for ways in which Paradis could possibly negotiate for peace, for a ceasefire. I know it’s damn near impossible, but I have to**_ **try.”**

_**“Okay.”**_

_**“Okay. Okay? That’s all you have to say?”** you ask, eyebrows shooting upward._

_**“Unlike me, you’ve never given me a reason to doubt you.”**_

_ It’s true. You would probably slit his throat the second it became convenient. How could you ever forgive him when he couldn’t forgive himself? Honestly, if you tried, he’d probably let you. But you’ve **never** given him reason to doubt you. Not even when you were trying to kill him in Shiganshina. _

_ But you’re going to fail in your mission. Just like he did. You’re going to return empty-handed, but at least your team won’t threaten you with death when you return a failure. Marley would never allow the reformation of Eldia, not with all of the propaganda. Gabi and his mother were the epitome of Marleyan anti-Eldia propaganda. Gabi wanted to be a Warrior, wanted to prove there was a difference between the Eldians on Paradis and the Eldians in Marley. She wanted to clear the Eldian name and reputation. Wanted to be seen as a real Marleyan. Even the status as an ‘honorary Marleyan’ doesn’t change an Eldian’s residence from the internment zone to the city. And his mother was so miserably repentant, buried so deep in the belief that they deserved the hatred that came their way. No. You’d fail. You have to know that. _

_**“Reiner—I… don’t hate you.” When he doesn’t respond, you continue. **“I know why you did it. All of it. Of course, I wish things had turned out differently, but I get it. I used to think I hated you. I hated you so much for what you did, but that anger was misdirected. It was useless. Now… No. I used to think of you as a brother. You were a part of the family I**** ** **chose. I don’t know where you fit into that now, but you deserved to know.”****_

_ Why did it hurt so much to hear that? You should hate him. You should want him dead. **“Why? Why don’t you?”** _

_ You look taken aback for a moment, pausing, before that smile— **that fucking smile** —appears. **“When I met Magath, he asked me how I survived. I, uh, did some pretty stupid fucking shit and saved that kid, Falco? By running to him while out in the open while the enemy was firing at us. I should’ve died, oh, at least a dozen times yesterday. You wanna know my response?”** He wants to know why you don’t hate him, but you’re set on telling him this. **“I told him I have killer instincts. And I do. I don’t know if I trust you, but I know that you’re not a bad person, Reiner. I wouldn’t be alive right now if you were.”** _

_**“No. You’re wrong.”** It comes out as a hoarse whisper._

_**“Mm, I doubt it. I’ve never been wrong before,”** you hum. **“I think you’re someone who was doing their best, who still is, but who got lost along the way.”**_

_**“How can you say that?”**_

_**“Because I know what it’s like to be lost.”**_

_ His frown deepens at your statement. **“What—? But what about your nightmares?”** _

_**“Oh. I didn’t think you would’ve remembered those.”**_

_**“Not remember? They’ve become my nightmares.”**_

_ Your face drops and he watches as sorrow settles. **“I’m so sorry. I never meant for—I only needed to distract you. I was angry and wanted answers and I’m so, so sorry.”** Your hand is raised, almost like you want to reach out, comfort him. Why? You hesitate, hand drops, and you speak again. **“Please, believe me.”** You glance towards the Source before turning back to him. **“We should probably get going. It’s only been about a second, but I just wanted to talk to you, explain.”**_

_**“What do you want from me?”**_

_**“I—”** sighing as you look down, you contemplate it. **“I’d like it if you didn’t say anything. To Magath or the Warriors. You don’t owe me anything, but if you could?”** He doesn’t answer right away, stunned that all you want is anonymity. **“F-for Bertolt, if not for old times’ sake?”**_

_**“Yeah. Course.”** Your mission is peaceful. You’re not here maliciously, not here to cause mayhem and discord like they were nine years ago. And if this is the least he can do for Bertolt’s memory—knowing that Bertl **would** want Reiner to watch out for you—he’ll do it._

_ You lead him towards the Source and, before you touch it, you hesitate. **“Reiner? Do me a favor? Don’t trust Zeke Yeager.”** _

* * *

#### Salva Hospital - Reiner

_Reiner’s sitting in front of a campfire, surrounded by… everyone. Annie, Pieck’s Cart, Falco, Gabi, Magath, Mikasa, Armin, Connie, Jean, Hange… How? Where are you?_

_Annie says something, something that pushes Mikasa to her feet, makes her start marching over to kill. Annie flicks open the blade on her ring in warning._

_What are they doing here? How is it possible for all of them to be here?_

_Annie says something, palm outstretched, and Mikasa turns on her heel, walking away._

_What **is** this?_

You’re sitting in front of him just as confused as he. Pulling your hand away, he realizes he hadn’t let go. He wants to ask you, but you shake your head before clearing your throat.

“Please, Mr. Braun. My name is Anaïs Arendt. As you’ve probably guessed, I’m the residing doctor assigned to the Warrior Unit presently. I just have a few questions for you before I conduct a small physical exam, though I’m certain your possessing the Power of the Titans will turn up nothing.”


	50. Marleyan Reconnaissance Pt. II **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _everything begins before you tell it to._
> 
> Alison Malee, "limitations" 

❦

The survivors of the Eldian Unit are getting fucking _wasted_ inside their train car with Colt, Gabi, Udo, and Zofia encouraging it. You’re sitting at a small table inside the private car for the Warriors and the Marleyan soldiers in charge of the unit. Reiner and Falco are standing against the wall closest to the Eldian car, marveling over their relative’s antics.

You’re intentionally facing them, facing away from Zeke. Porco had offered you a glass of whiskey and shrugged when you turned him down. You weren’t about to get drunk around these men. 

“GABI! GABI! GABI!”

You catch Reiner’s eye and quirk a brow. He looks away and tries to comfort Falco. They leave, slipping into the car to watch.

Odd, how your previous enemy is now your greatest source of comfort here. His sudden absence chokes you, puts you on edge. You hear footsteps of someone approaching, hopefully… no. There’s nothing back in this direction _but_ the Eldian car. None of the people here would want to come this way. Not unless they’re coming to take the empty table next to you or the seat across from you. 

Despite your fervent prayers to the contrary, someone sits in front of you.

“Mr. Galliard,” you address him, completely surprised by his presence. Of everyone in this car, he’s the only one not ~~technically~~ in uniform. Instead of wearing the military coat, he’s wearing a dark green cargo jacket that suits him and his personality.

“Doctor,” he greets before tossing back the rest of his drink. “I’m curious.”

“Oh?” 

“How is it that a woman such as yourself is a doctor?”

You don’t feel a prickle of warning, so you answer. “I’m an immigrant. My father had taught both me and my brother before he died. When I came here, it was the only thing I could offer.”

“Right.” He leans forward, placing his arms on the table. “What’s it like? Outside of Marley?”

His question catches you off guard, and you’re immensely grateful for the Ambassador’s thorough briefings. “It’s horrible. Eldians are killed for almost anything and you never know if today’s going to be your last. You’re treated like… Well. Shit is more preferable to us. Being here is amazing.”

He nods, and you wonder what the purpose of his being here is. “Huh. So what’s the deal between you and Braun?”

“What?” you panic. Shit. No. Wait. Your instincts aren’t acting up. Is… does he—?

“Don’t tell me you like him?”

“ _Like_ him? I don’t know him.”

His eyes narrow but his shoulders relax imperceptibly. Is he… glad?

“Good.”

“Why? What’s it to you, Mr. Galliard?”

He leans back with a smug smile. “Nothing. Don’t want you mixing in with the wrong people is all.”

“Is that so? Well, then, there’s no need to worry. I don’t mix with patients.”

“And why’s that?” he asks defiantly.

“It’s unprofessional for one,” you start.

“And for two?”

“The last man who I treated and became involved with was my husband.”

He assesses you silently, mulling over your words.

“Was?”

“Widow,” you say simply, exposing your chain with the ring on it like you had with Reiner. While this has been entertaining, you haven’t any interest in humoring him. He considers you before standing, adopting a cocky smirk that you’d love to kick off his face if you knew him better.

“I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

“Time will only tell. Good night, Mr. Galliard.” 

He walks away, but as he does, you feel a different set of eyes on the back of your head and it sends shivers down your spine. You take this as your cue to leave, slipping into the chaos that is the Eldian Unit. They’re still singing Gabi’s praises as Colt prances her around on his shoulders, overwhelmingly drunk, too much so for his age and size.

Searching through the crates lined up against the unoccupied wall, you find canteens of fresh water. Again, you feel eyes on you, and when you turn, it’s Reiner and Falco. You smile before cutting through the crowd to Colt.

“Drink this, Colt.”

“It’s you! The doctor!” he croons.

“It is. Please, drink this,” you urge again.

“You believe in me, right? You know I’m going to be the next Armored Titan!” Gabi shouts at you, high on the moment, on the excitement around her. The crowd cheers and starts chanting her name again.

Fucking hell. You just need this boy to drink some water.

“Colt, honey, if you don’t drink this, you’re going to feel awful tomorrow and I’m going to tell your parents why you’re throwing up. I don’t want to do that, do you?”

His eyes widen and he shakes his head, Gabi swaying on top of his shoulders. He takes the canteen and starts drinking. When he pauses for a breath, you pat his cheek and leave.

Who could have predicted that you, an island devil, would be playing mom to the next generation of Warriors? Well, if you play your cards right, perhaps you can recruit them into a more pleasant relationship?

HA! If only.

* * *

#### Liberio Internment Zone

You’re caught in the mass of Eldians returning from the war, waiting to be permitted back into the confines of the internment zone. Everyone who wasn’t forced into fighting is waiting just beyond the walls. It’s heartwarming seeing these families reunited. There wasn’t enough of that back in Paradis. Too much heartache. Too many families torn apart by titans. Just as you’re about to pass through, Commander Magath calls you to the side.

You offer a Marleyan salute to him, which he dismisses.

“Dr. Arendt. I’m impressed with how you conducted yourself while under my supervision. I’m going to have you stay on as the chief physician for the Warrior Unit until the role is filled permanently. I’ll need you to report to HQ tomorrow at 0900 hours. Is that understood?”

“Yes, sir. It would be an honor,” you say, taking the documentation with the updated permissions.

He dismisses you and you enter into the zone, wanting nothing more than to go ~~home~~ to the apartment.

As you pass by Dr. Yeager and his wife embracing Zeke, the doctor calls you over.

“It is so good to see you alive and well, Dr. Arendt,” he praises. “You’ve been missed at the hospital.”

You nod politely, desperately wanting to get away from Zeke, but it’s too late.

“Ah, so you must be the new doctor for the Warriors,” he greets. You turn and meet his gaze. 

“So it seems. I’ve heard much about you, Mr. Yeager,” you smile, offering your hand.

He takes it and if he feels that _spark!_ he doesn’t acknowledge it. Fucking royal bastard. “Likewise. You’ve made quite the impression on my unit, it seems. I look forward to getting to know you myself.”

“Please, don’t let me continue to interrupt this reunion.” 

Walking through the crowd, you come across the Grice family. The boys’ mother calls you over, expressing enormous gratitude that you watched out for the both of them. Colt looks pale and you hand him your canteen of fresh water and tell him to drink up. Falco’s distracted by the injured soldiers being directed to the hospital. 

You should probably help out there ~~and make up for Eva’s death~~ , but you have mail to check, a letter to write, and a shower to take before you can do anything else. Magath’s officer, Koslow, screams at the injured men, startling them into falling. 

Had you been in Paradis, you would have kicked him into submission, but as it is, you’re not able. Instead, you walk over to the sobbing and screaming men and start to soothe them. 

“You’re safe. You’re here. Ignore them. You don’t have to fight anymore,” you say to all of them. Not sure of what else to do, you remember reading that music has been shown to help soothe some people experiencing post-traumatic episodes, so you start to sing your mother’s song.

_If I had wings like Noah’s dove_  
_I’d fly the river to the one I love_  
_Oh fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well_

It seems to work, at least quieting their screams, easing them into soft whimpers, and it makes it easier for you and Falco to help the men up. He focuses on a man with long dark hair with a missing eye and leg. Sweet kid.

“Your armband is on the wrong arm,” he observes, gently removing it from his right arm and placing it on his left. “It’s okay. I’m sure you’ll get better. You don’t have to fight any longer.”

❦

Once you get inside your apartment, you immediately notice three envelopes piled up on the floor. You hurry to put your items away before opening them.

The first is from Jean, acknowledging your placement at the front lines, communicating their presence in the city—the relief that washes over you is overwhelming, enough that you can drown in it—, urging you to communicate when you’re back.

The second is from “Armin,” though it’s in Levi’s handwriting. He expresses frustration at your being placed in the front lines, faith that you’ll return in one piece, an update from the international forum, and an update that Eren is missing. Well, shit. You aren’t sure what’s more concerning—the fact that the international community has absolutely _no_ desire to protect the human rights of Eldians, or Eren’s disappearance. If it happened while they’re in Marley, you may be able to help with your boosted status.

The third is from Jean again. He writes that he’s seen the news, he knows you should be arriving soon, and wants to meet with you within the week. They’re staying with Azumabito in her diplomatic estate, protected under her immunity. Good. You have so much red tape to wiggle through it’s a relief that the rest of your team will be able to move more freely.

You shower before crafting your response.

_ Dearest John, _

_ I’ve made it home safe and sound, though that news pales in comparison to Marley’s great victory. I had the great honor of meeting the Warriors! They’re so great, working so hard to free themselves from the blood of Ymir and our ancestors. It is truly awe-inspiring. _

_ Make certain to thank the great Ambassador Kiyomi Azumabito for her generosity in allowing me to prosper here. It’s been nearly 7 months since I’ve seen you, and I look forward to seeing you again when you prove yourself worthy. In the meantime, I shall cherish our last memory of that warm morning in the park overlooking the bodega with those fine wines we never got to try. _

_ Give my love to dear Abel. It seems he is in need of it. _

_ Until we are reunited, your dear sister, _  
_ Anaïs Arendt _

You seal it in an envelope and head to the hospital. Arriving, you see the staff helping to admit the new influx of patients. Many of them you already know, having treated them in battle, but some are strangers. They stare at you as though you’re a goddess, and you don’t understand it.

One of them speaks up, says they heard you sing earlier and want you to do so again. You oblige these poor men. How can you not, when they’re used as cannon-fodder with no hope of being valued as anything more? When they’ve only ever been fed lies and hate? When they ask so nicely? 

Bouncing from room to room, the staff on-call soon start singing along. It’s a simple melody, sad in message, but it calms down the patients. It gives you relief that your mom’s memory could live on like this, in a place as foreign and hostile as this, and bring a sense of peace. Some of the patients are still experiencing strong dissociations, and so, when no one is looking, you use your ability to take them somewhere peaceful, somewhere more hopeful.

The head doctor is back, having managed to recover while you were away, and calls for you as you pass through the halls.

“Sir?”

“It’s nice to see you again, Ms. Arendt,” he smiles and you cringe internally at the fact that he’s most likely to demote you to nurse again until you remember Magath’s orders earlier. “I would like to go over your schedule for the next month if that’s alright?”

“Actually, sir,” you start, pulling out your papers, “I have been assigned as the chief physician to the Warrior Unit until the position has a permanent replacement.”

“What?” he asks in disbelief, eyes bugging as he reads the paper again and again like it will change the orders. “But how? You’re just a nurse!”

“Respectfully, sir, I’m a doctor. I know it’s not standard practice here in Marley, but while you were ill, I stepped up and filled the needed position. When the previous doctor for the Warrior Unit fell, I stepped up and filled the needed position. Regardless, Commander Magath has ordered my presence for the foreseeable future. I’m sorry.”

He looks at you in defiance, then in shock, and you have to snatch your papers away from him. Glancing out of the windows, you realize it’s starting to get later and you still have your letter to send. You shoot him an unapologetic glance before heading into the on-call room to remove your coat.

As you’re leaving, you notice Falco passing by, looking a little distressed. He notices you just as you’re about to call out for him, and turns to greet you. At that moment, another patient calls to you, and you realize it’s one of the amputees you had operated on shortly after being deployed. 

“Hello, Dr. Arendt,” Falco greets as he approaches. “Are you going to be returning to the hospital now that you’re back?”

“I, uh, hold on,” you tell him. You answer the patient’s call, telling him you’ll be just a moment. You feel a tingling in your spine, like someone’s watching you, but there’s so many people out and about that you choose to ignore it. “Uh, no, I’m not, actually.”

His face drops for a minute in confusion. “But why not?”

“General Magath has asked me to stay on temporarily as the chief physician for the Warrior Unit. You haven’t gotten rid of me just yet.” He answers your smile with his own, but there’s something nagging him. “Is there something wrong, Falco?”

“A-ah, no. Not quite,” he mumbles. 

“It’s okay if you want to tell me. It’s also okay if you don’t. Either way, I’m here to support you.” You glance back to your patient, realizing you should probably go speak with him. “I should get going, but I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah,” he answers. You pat his head before turning. 

“Oh, wait. Falco? Do you think you could do me a favor?” you ask before either of you leave.

“What is it?”

“Would you be able to mail this for me? I don’t think I’ll be able to today, and I just want to let my brother know that I’m alive.”

“Of course, Dr. Arendt,” he smiles, taking the envelope from you. “I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Falco.”

Your skin is still burning as you walk towards your patient, still aware that someone is watching you. It makes you uncomfortable, and your eyes scan the crowd. There are several people looking at you—some nurses, probably gossiping on their break, veterans people-watching, and a couple patients. There’s one, the same one Falco helped earlier. You offer a small wave, figuring he was probably watching the kid who had helped him, and he returns it. There’s something familiar about him, but you can’t quite place your finger on it.

You brush it aside as you walk up to your patient.

“Good evening, Mr. Rossi,” you smile.

“Please, call me Amos,” he returns your smile. “I just wanted to thank ya for savin’ my life on the battlefield. If it weren’t for your quick thinkin’ I woulda lost more than just my arm. Will I be seein’ more of ya now that we’re back?”

“Probably not, Amos,” you reply, noting his smile at your use of his name. “It seems that the military isn’t quite done with me yet.”

“Oh. _Oh!_ Will you be taking over Dr. Miller’s post with the Warriors?”

“I, uh, yes, for now anyway.”

“That’s great news!”

“Um, yeah. Yeah, it is. It’s truly an honor,” you reply, trying to match his enthusiasm as to not raise suspicion. 

The two of you talk for a while. He shares his life story, having grown up in southern Marley until the blood tests brought him to Liberio. He had worked as a baker until the war started four years ago, and now he’d have to find new work. 

It’s getting dark, and your yawn encourages him to release your attention for the evening. You bid each other farewell as you stand and make your way back to the apartment. Your neighbors greet you, happy you’re alive and well, tell you of what they’ve been doing while you were away.

It’s… weird. Being a part of this community while also _not_. You’re an island devil. You’re one of the evil Eldians. You’re—not. You’re a person, the same as the rest of them. You’re a doctor. You’re a friend. You’re…

Lost.

* * *

#### The Next Morning

“Where are you heading off to this early?” Lucas asks as you approach the gates. His eyes flicker to your blue armband as you find your papers.

“General Magath wants me to be acting-chief physician for the Warrior Unit until the role is filled,” you supply. The shorter guard looks over your documentation and initials at the bottom.

“Huh. What happened to Dr. Miller?”

“I’m not certain, but I have to assume he died. All I know is that I was finishing an amputation and I had orders to report to the General.”

“Yeah, but he wouldn’t have assigned you as acting-chief physician without a good reason. What’d you do?”

“I risked my life to bring back the younger Grice. That’s all I can think of,” you shrug.

“Shit. No kidding. I never thought you’d have it in you.”

He laughs at your deadpan, not realizing how much you want to kick him, before allowing you through. 

It’s the first time you’re in Liberio Proper without an escort and, at this point, it’s underwhelming. You’re painfully early—it’s barely half past six—but you’re curious to see if he’ll be there. There’s hardly anyone outside, everyone having celebrated the return of their loved ones, and you’re glad. You’re not really in the mood to deal with Marleyan attitudes right now.

There he is. Your breath almost catches at the sight of the familiar figure. He hears your approach and turns, face carefully masked, eyes scanning the surroundings. When he sees no one, he allows a smile to form and opens his arms.

You gladly step into them and hold him tight to you.

“It’s so good to see you, Whore Mouth,” you breathe. “The beard’s coming in nicely.”

“Would you shut up with that?” he whispers, breath tickling your ear, before letting go. “Down this alley is a brick—”

“I know. Walk with me, but not too closely.”

He complies as you two slowly make your way to HQ. Your papers denoted the time, and it would be unseemly to take up _too_ much time traveling. 

“I’ve been promoted to acting-chief physician of the Warriors,” you say clearly. “I’m alive and well, as you can see, happy to be serving the motherland.”

He nods, and you can see the twitch of his clenched jaw, communicating just how bad things are.

“What’s it like to work so closely with them?” he asks, tone measured, careful.

“They’re delightful! Working so hard to cleanse Eldia of the sins of our ancestors. So brave and strong. Mr. Yeager is kind, and Mr. Braun is so polite.”

His eyes flash to you and you smile, reminding him to do better. “That’s good to hear. Do you feel comfortable in their presence?” 

“I am not familiar with Mr. Yeager to be able to say that, but Mr. Braun has shown me nothing but courtesy.”

“He’s not going to like that,” Jean mutters.

“Why you’re my handler and not him,” you whisper back.

“I need to be going, but it’s good to see you alive and well. I’m proud that you’re working to undo the evils wrought by the Eldian ancestors. I expect to receive letters from you more that you’re back.”

“Of course, dearest John. It would behoove you to not take advantage of the good Ambassador’s generosity.”

He leans in to give you a quick peck on the cheek and the minute his lips connect, you show him everything. Well. Most everything. He doesn’t need to know about the murders just yet. He leaves and you turn the corner, the HQ compound directly ahead.

❦

The day goes by rather quickly. Magath is pleased by your early arrival, your dedication to work. He shows you your office and explains that you’ll be working with the candidates, though if the Warriors need anything, you’re to assist them as well. 

He leaves you to it, and you use that time to go through their medical files. There’s nothing of interest, save for the deliberate misinformation regarding Zeke’s mother’s name. You toy with the idea of telling them, making it so they don’t let him out of their sight, but that would reveal _you_ and potentially jeopardize the future of Paradis. You still don’t trust Zeke, still don’t trust his “plan,” but right now it’s not your place to trust it. 

Fuck. You just want to go home. You almost miss it when the greatest threat to you guys was titans. Almost.

The day passes without incident. You bump into Porco and Pieck, both of whom are surprised by your continued presence. You check in with the candidates after their training and they’re ecstatic to see you. You were relieved by their health and their acceptance of you.

* * *

#### Three Weeks Later

You fall into a routine while in Liberio.

Wake up.  
Shower.  
~~Write a report.~~  
~~Leave the report in the drop location.~~  
Head to HQ.  
Check in with Porco and Pieck.  
Check in with Gabi and Zofia.  
Check in with Udo and Falco.  
Complete Marleyan reports.  
Head home.

On weekends, you visit at the hospital. It’s frustrating to spend your weekends at home because there’s a giant stage being built in front of your apartment building, talk of some great production that will be held.

Mr. Hoover passes and you’re one of the only people there to mourn him. You meet Reiner’s mom, a sweet and earnest woman fiercely dedicated to her son and the title of ‘Honorary Marleyan’. You meet Mr. Leonhart. He tells you stories of his daughter and reassures you that she’s still alive. You tell him that you have faith she is, too.

You find Eren, of all people, at your hospital. He’s disguised as the soldier that Falco had helped upon your guys’ return, and you’re frustrated that you cannot confront him and find out what the fuck it is he’s doing. You write to Jean, letting him know he’s here, he’s alright, but do no more. When you show up at your hospital, you both have to actively avoid looking at one another. 

He’s changed. His energy is different, and you feel a faint hum of warning whenever you near him, but you don’t know why.

You largely avoid Reiner and Zeke, and luckily, their leadership roles call them away. Zeke's eyes linger on you whenever you’re near and it makes you incredibly uncomfortable. 

You’re about to leave for the day when he walks into your office.

“Dr. Arendt. I was wondering if you would join me for coffee?” The way he phrases the question makes it clear that it is not a request. Shit.

“I don’t drink coffee, but I’ll join you. Shall we go to your office?”

“No. I was thinking we could go to a local shop. They serve fine tea, if you prefer that?”

You sigh and get up to leave. “Lead the way, Mr. Yeager.”

“Please. Zeke.”

❦

You turn down his offer to buy you a drink from the shop, instead getting yourself a small sandwich. You expect him to sit down at one of the empty tables inside, but he leads you to the park across the way. The two of you sit down on the bench next to one another and an uncomfortable silence blossoms.

_warning_

“Dr. Arendt. I have learned some interesting things about you recently. I was wondering whether you could confirm them for me?”

Your breath catches in your throat, unwilling to go any further. Your hands start to tremble and you hope he doesn’t notice.

“Yes?”

A humorless hum falls from him before he speaks again. “You’re the Verite, are you not?”

Eren.

“And if I was?”

“As I thought. We’re on the same side, you and I.”

“So I’ve heard. Many times.”

“A mutual acquaintance has told me how your… _gift_ works,” he drawls, almost like he was tasting the words like a fine wine before letting them settle on his tongue. “You’ve been in the Paths?”

“I have.”

“Could you show me?”

_no._

“No. It would risk exposing us both.”

“Hm. Could you elaborate for me?”

“My eyes tend to glow, or so I’ve been told.”

“Interesting. Our mutual acquaintance has also shared a story with me. One where you came to him and asked for his help.”

“Oh? That sounds like an interesting story, indeed.”

He chuckles. “Come now. You don’t need to play coy with me.”

“If there is something in particular you want to know, please just ask,” you bite, getting frustrated at how much Eren has shared.

“Is it true he was able to successfully sterilize you with the power of the Founding Titan?”

You clench your jaw, the small _snap!_ bringing a smile to his lips. “Yes.”

“He also has told me that you’re able to see into the future.”

_warning._

“Only when I want,” you say stiffly, glaring at him from the corner of your eyes, trying to make it clear that you won’t play ball, that this cannot be drawn from you.

“I see. How interesting. How… remarkable.” His words are honeyed, almost like he’s trying to hide the poison underneath. Standing, he bows his head a little. “I shan’t keep you any longer. Thank you for your company, Dr. Arendt.” He walks around the bench, intentionally getting closer to your side. 

Across the street, in the crowd, you see Levi. He’s staring right at you, watching the scene unfold. As Zeke passes, he bends down so that he can whisper in your ear. “Please, keep an eye out on the future for me. I am curious to see how it all turns out.”

Even from this distance, you can see the anger in Levi’s features. Once Zeke leaves, Levi starts stepping towards you. You shake your head, just enough for him to see. No. If he comes and comforts you, here, now, the entire operation will be risked. 

Instead, what you do as a silent comfort to you both is pull out the chain with your wedding band. It lays flat against the buttons of your shirt. He sees it and his eyes soften and you see the silent promise. _Soon._

* * *

#### Four Days Later

You’re preparing to leave HQ for the day. It’s early—really early—but the Tyburs are making a visit and their family security has asked for everyone to leave.

You know that Willy Tybur is the de facto leader of Marley, though he never actually exercises his power. Apparently none of them have. You know that they are the holders of the War Hammer Titan, a titan that can create nearly any weapon from its body, and you doubt that Willy’s the holder of such a titan. Despite their attempts to keep themselves out of the spotlight, he is still the most well known of them all, and for those aware of their family’s titan, it would be too risky.

They also retain the power they do because of a lie. A fanciful lie that has done nothing to appease any Eldian, save for themselves. The lie that they were able to put down King Fritz, force him back to the island. Even still, they might be the best option for a peaceful resolution, and you, with your ability, may be the best one to argue for it. Even still, you’re still here under Magath’s good graces, and it wouldn’t bode well if you were to demand a meeting with Willy while here. 

Heading to the door, you’re startled by a gentle knock. 

“C-come in?” 

The door opens and reveals none other than the man you were just thinking of.

“Good afternoon, Dr. Arendt. Or would you prefer Dr. Verite?”


	51. Marleyan Reconnaissance Pt. III **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _we have been dying_   
>  _since we got here_   
>  _and forgot to enjoy the view_   
> 
> 
> Rupi Kaur, "live fully" 

“Mr. Tybur. It’s an honor to meet you,” you greet, stifling your building anxiety, panic.

“The honor is all mine. It is not every day that a Verite is in Marley. May I?” he asks, extending his arm to gesture to your office.

You don’t have a choice. “Please, sir.” You step aside, granting him access. You take your seat behind your desk. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He sits in the chair in front of your desk and gives you a cordial smile. “You’re here in a mission of diplomatic reconnaissance for Paradis.” It shocks you how much he knows, but you won’t let him see it. “Let’s just say that I’m interested.”

“May I ask what you know of me and my mission?”

“Of course,” he replies, smile turning genuine. “You’re a Verite—an incredibly powerful one. Women in your family with the gift tend to overshadow the men. In fact, there have only been about five, all during times of great change. On top of that, you’re one of the best soldiers of Paradis, having played a crucial role in Marley’s sound defeat four years ago. Since then, you have dedicated yourself to finding a peaceable solution to Paradis’ continued existence, leading to you being here today.”

“I see.” He’s working with someone to have this information. It _is_ news to you that there are so few women in your family with your curse, but he has access to a documented history that you had grown without. But for him to know about your stature within the Paradis military, the role you had in Shiganshina, and your current mission, he _had_ to have someone feeding him this information. “What makes you think I’m peaceful in my mission?”

“You are not here as a doctor in name only.”

“No. I’m not.”

“I propose an exchange of information,” he says, a smile playing at the corners of his lips. “In true Verite fashion.”

“What would you like to see? What will I be looking for?”

“Everything.”

* * *

#### Four Hours Later

You—you were _so_ close. So close to getting the de facto leader of Marley to agree to redirect military attention away from Paradis. You two had made leaps and bounds together!

After showing him what it was like to live in the Walls, after seeing why his family had done _nothing_ to interfere with Marleyan persecution of Eldians, you two had a productive conversation. An understanding. And then he asked for the future. 

There is no negotiating with him. His time as leader is up. Eren—

**_Fucking Eren._ **

What the fuck is this? What is he doing? What the fuck are the Yeagers planning? You had seen it, the meetings between Zeke and Willy, the phone calls. You had seen the truth of his sister, her titan. At the end of everything, he gave you a letter of safe conduct, good until his death. He gave you his gratitude, his appreciation for showing him a life that could have been his had history chosen differently. He wished you luck in your mission but made certain you knew that he could not offer help because he would not be the one to provide it.

Fuck.

What the _fuck_ would cause Eren to do something like that?! What will these next couple weeks bring? _Fuck._

You had left through a back exit, careful to avoid detection. He suggested it, and you agreed. Best for you to attempt to continue, do everything you could, without signifying that Willy Tybur had expressed any kind of interest in you. Especially as the following meeting he had was with General Magath, the next person you’d have to negotiate with.

But he wasn’t someone you could negotiate with yet. You hadn’t the leverage. You hadn’t understanding from him. No way to show him as you had with Willy. Not like with Erwin. No. There was absolutely no way for you to reach out to him, to get him to trust you, especially not as an infiltrator.

You know you should head back to the apartment, write your communication with Jean, request extraction, but… fuck it. You just really need a fucking drink. You can get fucking drunk before reporting what a goddamn failure this whole thing was.

There’s only one decent pub in the entirety of the internment zone. You knew the proprietors because you had saved the dad from bleeding out and his wife had thanked you when you had come back, and they had always offered a free drink that you were looking forward to cashing out.

When you arrive, you’re frustrated to see that it’s also, apparently, the popular spot for the Warriors. And, unfortunately, they all seem to notice you. Zeke’s absent, thank your lucky fucking stars. You sigh, ordering a whiskey, before joining them at their table.

“Anaïs. It’s good to see you,” greets Pieck.

“You, too,” you smile, hoping she doesn’t see past the facade. If she does, she doesn’t comment on it. 

They start talking, reminiscing about something that happened far before you got here. Reiner isn’t really engaging with them and it seems as though he was dragged along. His eyes keep flickering between the faces—Pieck, Porco, Colt, you. They linger on you and each time his gaze falls on you, you swallow the sorrow. You feel it, too. 

You’re mostly done with your second glass by the time you start to feel anything. There’s a consistent tingling in your nose and fingers, and you’re starting to feel a little lighter. Pieck goes to order food and Porco takes her seat to get closer to you.

“Why don’t we see more of you?” he asks, leaning forward.

You click your tongue against your teeth as you finish the glass. Raising your hand, the bartender starts to prepare your next glass. Reiner gets up, leaving you with Colt and Porco. You’re not drunk enough for this.

“Well, you got those pretty, pretty titan powers to keep you healed. I have to keep an eye on the candidates after all.” 

“Hey! I’m not that bad, am I?” Colt asks, the alcohol feeding his distress.

“No. You’re pretty good,” you reply, leaning forward to pat his cheek. “It’s the kids I have to watch out for.” He flushes at the motherly touch and you return to your seat, relaxing into the back of the chair.

“Here you go, miss, and Reiner asked for me to bring you over some waters,” the barkeep says, handing you your alcohol and setting a full glass of water on the table.

“Oh, that big softie,” you croon, watching as he comes back to the table. He takes the empty seat on the other side of you and pushes the glass of water closer to you. Pieck joins the table, rearranging the empty chairs to prop her legs up. 

They start talking again as you nurse your whiskey. Porco keeps trying to get your attention and Pieck teases him each time. 

These people… they’re not your enemies, but they will be. And it’s not because of genuine malice. No. You can’t blame them for believing the things they do, for acting without knowing the full picture. 

“Damn. I had no idea you could handle your liquor like that,” Porco comments as you empty the glass, taking a swig from his own beer. “Girl after my own heart.”

The food comes and Porco and Colt make room for it. Reiner takes your empty tumbler and places your untouched water in your grasp.

“Drink,” he grunts.

Pieck gives you a sly smile before digging into her pizza. Now _that_ is something that you’ll definitely miss when you return to Paradis. 

You comply with Reiner’s request before grabbing a slice for yourself. Once the warm food makes contact with your tongue, you moan in satisfaction. If it weren’t for the alcohol coursing through your veins, you’d be slightly embarrassed, but today was a shit fucking day and dammit, you’re going to enjoy this marvelous food.

You can almost pretend that these people are your friends, that this is a regular occurrence, that you most likely won’t be fighting them in less than a month’s time. A sobering thought. No. You’ll enjoy this time while you have it. 

An urge overcomes you that you haven’t felt since before Shiganshina, and you push yourself back from the table. As you try to stand, you wobble, alcohol having affected you more than you wanted to admit. You stumble forward, stumbling into Porco and earning chuckles from around the table. He steadies you with hands on your hips and his cheeks flush a little.

“Sorry, Porco,” you apologize, laugh coloring your voice. You turn, ready to finish what you had gotten up to do but his hands linger. He lets go when your eyes meet his, silently requesting your freedom.

Meandering to the counter, you ask the bartender if they had a notepad and a pencil you could borrow. And another glass of whiskey. Returning to the table, you take a large drink before Reiner takes your glass from you. When you whine, he simply tells you, “Drink more water and eat and you can have it back.”

A pout settles on your lips and you realize that he’s right—you’ve had more than you should have.

“Hey, if she wants to drink, let her drink,” Porco tries to defend you.

“Ah, no, Pock, let Rei fuss over her. It’s cute.”

“Cute? It’s annoying!”

“No, guys, it’s fine,” you say as you grab another slice of pizza. “Thank you, Reiner. But go back to what you were talking about before! I like listening to you guys talk.” 

They follow your directive, Pieck continuing her reminiscing of when they were all candidates. Colt is listening intently, asking questions to both Porco and Reiner to confirm. After finishing your current slice, you start sketching. 

You start with Colt—the eagerness in his eyes, excitement brightening his face. There’s a tenderness that goes beyond his youth, something indescribable that you hope to capture. The conversation transitions to bonding over Warrior moments and you turn your attention to Pieck. The keen intellect present in her eyes swirls with a startling gentility, contrasting with the softness that seems to radiate from her being. Then they begin talking about their families, the hope they have for their children’s success. There’s so much despair in Reiner’s face, it’s overwhelming, but the pencil catches it all the same. As you finish up Reiner, you start on Porco. 

“—. Anaïs? You there?” Porco asks, waving his hand in front of your face. “Did you hear us?”

“Huh?” You look up, confused, only to see everyone’s eyes on you. Porco pulls at the notepad and you don’t realize until it’s already out of your grasp. “Hey!”

“What are these?” he asks, carefully studying what you had been working on for the last whoever knows how long. 

“Oh. I, uh,—”

“Can I see?” Pieck asks. Making eye contact, you realize that she’s asking _you_ if she can see, not if Porco could hand it over.

“I… yeah. That’s fine. So what was I not hearing?”

Colt laughs. “I asked you what song you were humming. I’ve never heard it before.”

“I was humming?” Shit. What song _were_ you humming?

Pieck hums the tune, your mother’s tune, as Porco hands over the pad. 

“Oh. That. That was a song my mother used to sing.”

“Could you sing it for us?” Colt asks excitedly. Heat rises to your cheeks and you look down in embarrassment. “Oh, no, please? I promise—we won’t judge you!”

Both your and Pieck’s eyes flash to Porco before you laugh. “Uh-huh.”

“No, Pock will be good, won’t he?” 

The pink that dusts his cheeks is faint, but there nonetheless. Pieck hands the pad over to Colt and you glance at Reiner. He has a peculiar expression on his face as he watches you. He raises a single eyebrow as though asking, ‘Well?’ and you sigh in defeat.

“Fine. Fine! But I must warn you—I don’t even have a good singing voice when I’m sober.” 

You stumble at first, nervous to sing in front of these people—for fuck knows why—but it’s familiar, as easy as breathing. Ever since it popped into your mind after Stohess, present, ready to go, ready to be shared. Some of the other patrons start singing along, something that shocks both you and the Warriors. One of them you recognize from the hospital. 

Amos walks over, giant smile on his face. You reciprocate his smile while making no move to get up—you don’t exactly trust your feet right now. 

“Good evenin’, miss,” he greets. “It’s a pleasure to see ya out and about.”

“Good evening, Amos,” you beam. He greets the Warriors and pats your head as he tells them how you saved him in the war, and then how you had helped soothe the soldiers suffering from post-traumatic stress with that song, something they still would play at the hospital despite your absence. “Thank you, Amos. I think I’ve been sufficiently embarrassed this evening,” you murmur, the alcohol making the additional attention unbearable. 

“Sorry about that, miss,” he smiles sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Ya just remind me of my late daughter is all.”

“Oh, no, what happened?”

“She had a heart attack at work. Must’ve been after ya left for the war ‘cause if you were there, I’m sure you’d’ve saved her.”

No.

“I best be off. Have a good night, kids,” he waves before leaving.

No. Heat prickles the corners of your eyes and you lean your head up to avoid crying, to urge the tears to remain in place. 

Once certain that they won’t fall, you let your head fall back into place, feeling as though a lead weight is attached. Water. You need water. You need to be sober because you are surrounded by Elite Eldians who wouldn’t hesitate to kill you if they knew. The water, despite being cold, burns as it goes down your throat. 

“These are really good,” Colt says, drawing your attention back to the group. Reiner takes it from him and passes it back to you, glancing over your shoulder at their faces. 

“Thanks.” You hope your smile is, well, a smile and not a grimace.

“I didn’t know you draw,” Porco says.

“I don’t really. It’s something I do when I’m stressed.” Or when you’re filled with an impending sense of doom and dread. “Speaking of stressed, this has been fun, but I have a long day ahead of me. I should be heading home.”

You start cleaning up your space, preparing to leave. As you stand, you grab the notepad and pencil to return them to the bartender before paying your tab. He points out your sketches and you tear them from the pad to hold onto them. 

“Yeah, I should get going, too. Mom’s been worried about how hard Falco’s been pushing himself and I gotta make sure he’s back before she sends out a search party.”

You return to the table to wish Pieck, Porco, and Reiner a good night as Colt’s already out of the door. Porco grabs your hand as you turn to leave and says, “At least lemme walk you home.”

“No, it’s okay. I can get myself home alright.”

“An—you’ve had four glasses of whiskey,” he begins to argue.

“She said she’d be fine, Pock. If it’s really an issue of safety, Rei can walk her home. They live right next to each other. _I_ could use help getting home,” she says, pulling her legs from the second chair. He relents and starts to help Pieck up, handing her the crutch. 

Reiner places a hand on your shoulder, grabbing your attention. “C’mon. Let’s go home.”

For a moment you see flashes of Paradis, of entering into the mess hall, laughing together, but you realize they’re just a cruel trick of your drunk, guilty mind. “Yeah.”

You relish in the lingering warmth that hangs in the air. It’s humid, but in the humidity, it’s almost sobering. The two of you walk in silence, and after you stumble a couple of times, Reiner keeps his arm around your shoulder to steady you.

“‘M sorry,” you mumble.

He looks down at you in surprise. “For what?”

“Getting drunk and needing you to walk me home.”

“It’s fine. Better than letting Galliard walk you home.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

He’s softer, has less resolve, you realize. Not as cocky and far more cautious. You like this Reiner, though. He’s authentic. He knows the weight of everything that lays before the both of you. When he’s like this, you can almost trust him. But maybe that’s just the alcohol talking, or it’s just your crushing loneliness talking. Maybe it’s both. The familiarity of a family gone by?

Shit. Family. Amos’ daughter was Eva. You killed her and he’ll never know and he’ll still believe that if you had been there you could’ve saved her. No. You didn’t save her. You _killed_ her. You took his daughter from him. And how many more would lose their families when Eren attacks? 

Reiner stops you in front of your building and is about to say goodbye when he sees your tears. “Whoa, what’s going on?”

“I—” can’t. How can you verbalize any of what you’re feeling? Express any of the loathing you feel for yourself? How Eren dooms Marley and Eldia to the same cycle of mindless violence, murdering thousands of lives for fuck only knows what reason? How you can’t change the fucking future?

He sighs before taking you inside. “What apartment number are you?”

“No, you don’t—”

“What apartment number are you?” he presses. You give it to him and he takes you down the hall to your apartment. You hand him your keys and he helps bring you inside. He sits you at your kitchen table and opens your cabinet to fill up a cup of water for you. “Drink.”

You laugh grimly to yourself before complying. “Glad to see that ‘overprotective’ brother thing hasn’t gone away.”

“Yeah, well,” he says as he pulls out your other chair to sit across from you. “Some habits were harder to kick than others. Now, are you going to tell me what happened?”

“I—heh. Fuck.” Fuck it. Of anyone who would understand, Reiner would. If not, well, you have that letter and you have Levi not too far away. Fuck it. “That man from earlier? Remember how he mentioned his daughter?”

“What about it?”

“I’m the reason she died.”

His face falls and you expect to see pity or anger or enmity or _something_. Something other than sad understanding.

“She overheard me when I spoke to Bertolt’s dad. So I killed her. She was completely innocent. Her only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. She’s dead because of me. He lost his daughter because of me and he thinks that ‘if I were there I would’ve saved her.’ What a crock of shit,” you mutter into your hands. “It’s killing me.”

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. You already know that he is acutely aware of how you feel. You already know how Marco died, how he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Except they were kids when that happened. You don’t have the luxury of that excuse. No. You weren’t even strategizing as they had been. You… you were being selfish. Saying goodbye to a man who knew not a wit about you whose son you had allowed to die. But when he reaches across the table and offers a hand of comfort, you take it.

“I’m sorry, Reiner.”

“I know.” 

He stays with you throughout the night, not saying anything, but not letting you be alone. It’s good. Better than being alone. The two of you move to the couch and you fall asleep while leaning on him.

❦

_You’re in your ODM gear. Fuck, it feels good to fly in this again. You soar through the buildings, making your way to the airship above. As you do, you see other Scouts attaching themselves to the same ship and pulling themselves up._

_ Fingers tangling in the netting, you climb to the door. It opens, and Levi’s there, waiting. He kneels, hand extended. You gladly take it. Once aboard, he pulls you to him, crushing you to him, whispering praises into your ear. You give him a quick kiss before turning down the hall to the cargo bay with the rest of the Scouts. He stays to wait for Eren and Mikasa. _

_ The doors are open, wind whipping around all of the bodies inside. Grabbing onto the handle and leaning out, you see Sasha and Connie coming to you. You want to cry in relief, hold them to you. You help them up, and they tell you Jean’s just behind them. Sure enough, he’s accelerating toward you, calling out to a soldier below. You and Sasha help pull him up. _

_Floch steps forward, says something, but you can’t hear it over the wind and over your anger. You march forward and throw all of your weight into your punch. Blood gushes from his nose as his skin tears. Jean pulls you back while other Scouts yell at you. Someone else speaks up and everyone starts to cheer, turning away. Jean lets go of you and Connie pulls him and Sasha into a hug._

_They start to move away, but you feel that familiar tingling, buzzing. There’s a dull_ thunk _and Sasha turns around. Jean calls her attention forward, but the buzzing gets more intense. What’s happening?_

_There’s a flurry of brown and a streak of yellow that rolls across the floor in front of you and you recognize Gabi as she draws her bolt-action rifle and shoots, hitting Sasha directly in the stomach._

❦

Reiner shakes you, gently, calling your name—your real name. It’s enough to wake you up completely. It’s been too long since you were acknowledged for _you_ , not who you were pretending to be. 

“Hey! You’re okay,” he says as you open your eyes.

It’s still dark outside, though the sky is lightening with the rising sun that has yet to make its appearance. Your muscles ache—especially your lower back—and you realize that you two had fallen asleep on the couch. 

“Rei? What… why are you still here?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Right now? Or from last night? Ugh, your head is killing you. Where was Levi to remind you not to drink again?

Reiner grabs your attention again by calling your name. “What _was_ that?”

“You—you saw it, too?” His expression offers affirmation when he otherwise doesn’t. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to project. Well. I never do.”

You push yourself up, getting to your feet to get yourself water and an aspirin. You turn around, leaning back on the counters. 

“When asleep, I can project my dreams or my visions onto anyone who’s sharing physical contact with me. I’ve, uh, I’ve scared the shit out of a lot of people that way. Jean, Hange, Connie, Erwin… But I don’t—I think that was a vision.”

“But—why would Gabi shoot Sasha?”

“I… I don’t know, Reiner.” You bow your head in shame. 

Sasha is going to get shot and Gabi is going to end up on an airship with the Survey Corps. She’s going to be killed by them—they won’t understand, won’t care. They’ll only see her as the enemy, not her age, not the propaganda that’s been shoved down her throat until it tastes like sweet honey, until it feels like water nourishing a parched throat. 

And Sasha— **NO.** You can’t lose her! You **won’t** lose her! You have to tell them, prepare them. Make sure they remember the training you put them through, but even then, the placement of that shot and the specs on the rifle don’t bode well for treatment, even if you act immediately. You can try to make sure that they have enough medical equipment, but what good is that if you don’t have a properly trained team? If you don’t have a sanitary operation room or—

How are you going to save her?!

“Have you ever been able to change—?”

“No.”

“So… in spite of whatever happens with Gabi and Sasha, I’ll get to that point with Magath and Pieck with the Survey Corps?”

“Yes.”

“At what cost?”

“Honestly? Probably a pretty fucking high cost.”

He sighs as he scratches his neck, rising from his seated position and making his way to the kitchen. “How do you do this?” At your tired, quirked eyebrow he elaborates. “See a future you can’t change?”

You give him a wry smile, hearing aloud the question you ask yourself nearly every day. “It’s like you used to tell me. There’s nothing else I can do except keep moving forward. I have people that need me, and I can’t just give up on them. I can’t stop myself from _trying._ ”

The two of you regard one another, feeling more like equals than ever before. “Reiner, we don’t have long. I hope—I hope that you and I could work together.” His eyes narrow, almost in confusion, though you know better. It’s not confusion—it’s asking whether you trust him enough to _want_ to try to work together. “You and I know what it’s actually like on either side. That neither side has to be eliminated. I know the guilt you carry within you because I carry it, too. I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done, or even if you want anything to do with me, but—”

The hesitant way your name falls from his lips catches you off guard. “You would trust me again?”

“Yes.” As you say it, you realize you mean it. He’s not the same boy from those years ago. He’s grown, understood the intricacies of his actions, of the actions of the state. He knows what’s at stake. His eyes fill with tears that go unshed, though the emotions are clear. “As much as I could show someone, anyone else what I’ve gone through, no one will truly understand it. You do. And if anyone is likely to understand what you’ve been through, it’s me. I know it’s asking a lot, no. It’s asking too much. I’m sorry.”

“No. It’s the least I could do after everything.”

❦

_Dearest John,_

_I am afraid. I have been plagued with nightmares for the last month. The nightmares are terribly violent, with titans attacking Liberio. I think they’re lingering trauma from having seen the full might of the titans during the battle of Fort Slava, but knowing that doesn’t make them any less frightening. Additionally, I’ve had dreams of so many deaths. Shani, Abel, Zion, Elan… Even though the battle ended a month ago, they still plague my waking moments._

_I wish you were here and that we could talk in person. As it is, I have a very busy schedule and hardly have any time to myself, save for when I lay my head on my pillow. Regardless, I look forward to hearing from you._

_Until we are reunited,_  
_Your Dear Sister_

❦

It’s been three days since you sent the letter. He should have responded by now. You need _out. **Now.**_ Where the _fuck_ is Jean?!

Opening up the door to your apartment, anger bubbles under your skin at the lack of mail. You shut the door, ready to end this fucking infiltration on your own. Striding over to the desk in front of the window, you start searching for the book—it describes basic transactions, medical services provided, a daily journal, and coded information in between, disguised to blend in. If you’re going to leave, you need it.

You hear a soft rustling behind you, and you reach for the knife that you’ve carried since you were nearly attacked in February. Blade in hand, you swivel.

“Hello, little demon.”


	52. The Raid on Liberio **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _someday, the world_   
>  _will try to wound you._   
>  _(will wound you)_
> 
> _all the same,_   
>  _stay soft, stay kind_   
>  _stay so very tender._   
> 
> 
> Alison Malee, "so very" 

The knife clatters to the floor, the only indication you have that it fell from your grip.

Relief is a vast sea that you could drown in had love not swept you off your feet and pulled you under until it fills your lungs, chokes your breath, blurs your vision. 

“Levi.” 

You aren’t even sure how you found yourself crushed to Levi with his arms so tightly wound around you that it borderlines painful, but you’re glad you are. You’re _home._

“Oh, fuck, Levi, I missed you so much!” you murmur into him, pressing your lips on any and every part of him you can, trying to pull him closer. 

“I missed you, too.” It’s a small confession, as though he’s afraid that saying it aloud will break him, as though it’s a secret he’s been holding onto for the last eight months. He releases you from his vice-like grip so that his hands can grab both your cheeks and pull you in for a bruising kiss.

It’s hot and urgent and you allow yourself to be suffocated by him, by his taste, by his hands, by fucking tea tree and mint. Oh, _fuck_ , you missed this man. You want to drown in him and allow yourself to be sailed away in a world consisting of just the two of you. The two of you separate when the lack of oxygen becomes too much, and he reluctantly pulls away. 

He walks to the side of your couch, grabbing a brown suitcase. He unlocks it, opening it to reveal your ODM gear.

“It’s time to come home.”

❦

The two of you destroy your apartment, making it look like a possible burglary gone awry. He protests, not wanting to waste time, but you… You feel the need to reduce suspicion when you disappear. You feel the need to protect those who had grown in their affections toward you. 

After you and Reiner spoke, you gave him the letter of safe conduct as proof of your intentions, acknowledging the purpose of your visit, the nature of your intent. You expect that after Eren’s attack, Reiner, Falco, and Colt will face greater scrutiny because of their relationships with you, which would really hamper Reiner’s ability to help like he’s agreed. 

You still haven’t told Levi—though, to be fair, talking isn’t high on the list of priorities at the moment—and you decide you’d rather discuss this further with both Hange and Jean there, too. The two of you fly through the city, careful to avoid well-lit areas. Making it past the boundaries of the internment zone, he leads you to Azumabito’s diplomatic estate. It’s much larger than any of the single-family homes you’ve seen within the zone, not that there were many to begin with. 

Landing in the back garden, he pulls you into a rough kiss. 

“Levi, it’s late and I miss you and I haven’t had a good night’s rest in almost eight months. Let’s go to bed. Let me have my husband for a night before I’m debriefed tomorrow.”

He smiles at the acknowledgment of your marriage and relents. “Let’s go, brat. I haven’t slept in eight months, either.”

❦

The following morning is loud with excitement at your appearance as only Jean and Levi had known you’d be returning. Only the old Levi Squad, newly appointed squad leaders, and Onyankopon are staying at the estate. Levi glares daggers as everyone passes you around like a toy, hugging you and telling you of all the great things they’ve discovered here and eaten here. Mikasa is solemn, showing no excitement for your presence, but you know it’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with a certain long-haired asshole missing a leg at the moment. 

Azumabito informs you that you’re actually well-known as an Eldian, nearly as well-known as the Warriors, due to your status as a female acting-chief physician to the Warrior Unit, and so you’ll need to stay inside as much as possible. She also lets you know that she has a method to help remove the coloring from your hair to allow you some mobility before the ~~slaughter~~ performance by Willy Tybur. 

Mikasa surprisingly offers to help you and Survey Corps leadership decide to use the opportunity to debrief you. To do so, you’ll be utilizing the master bathroom, which you’re certain is larger than the apartment you just left. 

“Before we get started, Mikasa, I think it would make this easier if I showed you everything that’s happened while I’ve been here,” you say, encouraging Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Hange, and Levi to touch some part of you so you can reveal everything. Even the murders. Even the drunken night at the pub with the Warriors. Even the meeting with Reiner after.

So why are you afraid in this moment?

Mikasa is the first to come out of it, your only indication being the way she pulls you towards the sink to wet your hair. She says nothing and you can’t tell if it’s because there’s nothing for her to say or because she’s only granted permission in this meeting because of her role as Eren’s guard and not leadership. 

You’re both immensely glad and anxious that your eyes can only see the ceiling right now, meaning you don’t have to see their judgments at the moment. After another minute of silence, you speak. “Questions?”

“Are you okay?”

You don’t even have to think about it, don’t even have to pause, but to hear the concern, so deeply ingrained in Armin’s voice, it’s… too much. “Not even a little bit. But we don’t have time to worry about that.”

“She’s right, if her recent visions are any indication,” Hange says. “Let’s start from the beginning.”

“Right.” You begin to explain the general information you had learned about Marley—the role of the Tybur family, the role of the military and military powers, the declining availability of natural resources, their conquest for power, their dependency on Eldians, the science behind the Eldian blood screenings. 

“What is your opinion of the Eldians living inside the internment zone?” Jean asks, mulling over the relationships you had built up in the community.

“They’re not our enemies,” you say simply. “They’re… kind to one another because no one else in the city will be. They’re deeply, deeply brainwashed into believing that Eldian history is nothing but evil and that any kind of violence against them is justified. Despite these people having done nothing wrong beyond being born. They’re just… people. Doing the best they can.”

He starts pacing out of sight. Mikasa’s finally finished applying the treatment to your entire scalp, allowing for you to sit upright again while she wraps your hair to let it set. 

“Why’d you risk your life for that kid?”

“He’s a child, sent into a war.”

“He is a Warrior candidate. A soldier.”

“We were children when we joined the Cadet Corps, and we shouldn’t have been!” you snap. “If we don’t—shit. If we don’t take steps to stop the cycle of violence, how do we plan to get out of it? It has to stop somewhere, dammit!”

It’s unusual for you to fight like this with Levi, especially with witnesses, and you know what he’s really upset by. You nearly died during a war that you had no business participating in, a mission that you had, apparently, unneccessarily volutneered for. 

“You two can debate that at a later time,” Hange interrupts. “How much of a threat are the Warriors and the candidates?”

“Well, I mean, you saw what I saw at Fort Slava. But the Cart Titan is incredibly intelligent and observant. She’s good at thinking strategically during battle and intense situations. Her stamina in titan form is nothing like we’ve seen before. Before the war had finished and I had a chance to examine her, she was in titan form for _months_. The Jaw Titan is incredibly quick. I don’t know if that’s a quality of the titan itself, as I didn’t see Ymir in titan form. He’s incredibly skilled in combat, both in and out of titan form, though he can make rash decisions. He’s very bitter and angry since his brother’s death and Reiner’s return, which I believe—I believe we could use to our advantage if necessary,” you say, internally cringing at the thought of having to fight these two. 

You didn’t want to admit that you had developed attachments yourself while here, but you did. And you’re going to have to face them when shit goes south. 

“It seemed like the Jaw Titan—what’s his name?”

“Porco.”

“It seems like Porco was interested in you. Perhaps we could use that to our advantage?”

“I’m not a fucking honeypot,” you bark at Hange.

“Okay. Sorry I suggested that. Moving on. We already know about the devastating effects of Zeke and Reiner’s titans, but can you speak to their mental acuity?”

You sigh deeply, not knowing which can of worms to open first. “Zeke is incredibly intelligent. Dangerously so. He’s also deeply secretive, with none of the Warriors trusting him fully, save for the candidates. He is not trustworthy in the slightest.” 

“When I saw you that day, what were you two talking about?” Levi asks. Hange and Jean’s eyes widen, making it clear that Levi never told them. 

“He had forced me to eat with him. He utilized the time to tell me that he and Eren spoke. At length. About me, among other things. He wanted me to take him into the Coordinate, and when I refused, he asked if it was true that I sterilized myself using the power of the Founding Titan. He was interested in my ability to see glimpses of the future.”

“That’s deeply concerning,” Hange muses. “How would Eren and he have communicated?”

“From what I understood, Eren spent nearly the entire time away from you at the hospital where I used to work. The staff believed that he was suffering from severe head injuries culminating in temporary amnesia.” Mikasa gasps in concern, and Levi’s eyes flicker to her. “He wasn’t. We all know how quickly he heals. Any injury he exhibited at the hospital was either self-inflicted or imaginary.”

“Are you sure?” she urges you.

“Positive. If he _had_ been injured, he would have transformed to protect himself. Besides, he had carefully wrapped his pants to keep his leg from growing back.”

“We’ll have to talk to them both when we retrieve them.”

“Both? What am I missing?”

“Eren sent us a letter, just after we received yours saying you found him. He said that he knew you wouldn’t be successful and that he was going to act, whether we participated or not,” Armin explains

“Fuck. _FUCK!_ Zeke and the Tyburs are working together, meaning Zeke probably orchestrated this whole fucking thing.”

“Do you think Eren’s under Zeke’s control?” Armin asks with misplaced hope.

“Tell me: when has Eren _ever_ been under anyone else’s control?”

“No. He wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t have to,” Mikasa whispers.

“Whatever the fuck you guys want to believe, I highly doubt that Eren is acting under orders or duress or doing anything outside of what he fucking wants to. That’s why he was in the internment zone anyway—he wasn’t dismissed. He left you guys because he wanted to.”

_Danger_

Before you can process it, a blur of black is in front of you and there’s the distinct sound of a body hitting the wall. You look at the point of contact and see Levi pinning Mikasa’s closed fist to the wall behind her.

“Levi. Let her go,” Hange commands. His eyes flash to you, taking you in, before letting go. Mikasa looks ashamed, like she isn’t sure what came over her. While Levi returns to you, Jean goes to comfort Mikasa. 

“The information that Willy had on me was information that Zeke would have had from the reports of Paradis Island Operation, and when Zeke spoke to me that day, it was clear that the particularities of my mission was fed to him by Eren. They’re both planning something, but I don’t think it’s the same thing.”

“What makes you say that?” Armin asks. 

“Just… just a gut feeling.”

“A gut feeling? That’s what we have to go on?” Mikasa asks, still irritated at what you’re suggesting.

“When have any of you known my instincts to be wrong?” They look around at each other but ultimately say nothing. 

“Okay. What about Reiner? Do you really trust him?”

“I—” yes. Yes, you do. So why are you hesitating? “He understands the gravity of what he had done. He knows the reality of the situation in a way that no one else here can really fathom, same with the Warriors. No one else there has any idea what we are like. So, yes. I do. He and I both want the same thing.”

“Which is?” Jean asks. He still hasn’t forgiven Reiner, Bertolt, or Annie for the truth of Marco’s death, and you doubt that will change. But he deserved to know the truth of what happened to his best friend. ~~Or maybe you were a selfish bitch who couldn’t carry that truth alone.~~

“An end to the cycle. We both just want peace.”

He snorts and looks away. 

“Believe what you want, Jean, but I was hoping that at the very least you’d trust _me.”_ His head whips to face you, eyes piercing your own. 

Hange draws attention as they stand. “Okay. When we arrive back in Paradis, we’ll separate the brothers. We’ll take Eren to the military prison in Trost, and we’ll keep Zeke somewhere else. It makes me wonder whether the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers knew of this at all, if this is what they were planning?”

You remember that uneasy feeling that you get around Yelena, how disturbing it was, her fascination with the Yeagers. “I don’t know about the others, but I _do_ believe Yelena is at least involved. Is she here?”

“Not yet. We expect the ship to arrive in the next couple of days with the remaining Scouts for this upcoming operation,” Jean explains.

“He’s forcing our hand. Making us engage with an enemy we are woefully unequipped to deal with just yet,” you complain.

“What would you suggest then?”

“Honestly? The biggest threat would be General Magath. The second being Zeke. The rest of the military leadership is incompetent, and I’m not sure who will lead Marley after Willy passes. His children are far too young and the country is too misogynistic for one of his female relatives to take up the responsibility.”

Hange considers this before nodding. “I trust you and your judgment. Would you be able to spot him?”

“I, uh, yeah. But you’re not suggesting _I_ take him out?”

“No, no! But I’ll have you partner with Sasha—”

“Sasha,” you whisper, blood draining from your face. “I need us to be prepared to be able to operate on the airship.”

“What?”

Did they not see your vision?

“I, uh, she gets shot. In the stomach.”

“WHAT?!” Jean yells.

“Stomach wounds are bad and we need to be prepared. I need Armin to be ready to operate with me,” you say, eyes focusing on the blonde. 

He gulps nervously but gives you a nod. Fuck, how much they’ve changed while you were away. 

“I’m going to do everything I can to try to stop it, but—”

“Time is unchangeable. We know.”

Mikasa rushes out of the bathroom, slamming the door in the process. 

“I’m still going to try.”

“I know,” Hange says, exasperation and acceptance evident in their voice. A heavy sigh escapes them before they continue. “We’ll discuss that later. In the meantime, what can you tell us of the candidates?”

“Well. They’re all children, about twelve years old. The eldest, Colt, is about seventeen. He’s set to inherit the Beast Titan, and the rest of them are trying to prove eligibility to inherit the Armored Titan.”

“Who do you think it will be?”

“Probably Gabi, Reiner’s cousin.”

“Is she a threat?”

You pause, giving them your answer. She’s a child. But she’s a child who took out the armored train and the pillbox. She’s a child who will shoot Sasha. “Yes. Of all of them, she is the most rigid in her righteousness. She honestly reminds me of Eren.” 

Armin and Jean pale at the comparison, at the possibility of another personality like Eren’s inheriting the Armored Titan. 

“The other kids are… softer. I still think that it would be possible to change their way of thinking, to use them to pave better relations between the Warrior Unit and the Survey Corps. Despite the rhetoric they’ve grown up with, I _do_ believe them to at least be level-headed enough to hear us out.”

Udo is passionate, desperately wanting to forget how the world treats Eldians outside of Marley, but he sees reason. He’s the most intellectual of all of them—reminding you of Armin, almost. It definitely impresses the hell out of you that he’s multilingual. Zofia is quiet and contemplative, though she’s known to be flippant at times. And Falco? Colt? Both of the Grice boys are terribly sweet. Had it not been for their uncle, you doubt they’d have joined the Warrior program. And Gabi?

_“Whatever happens, make sure Gabi will be okay. Promise me.”_

“We’ll see what we can do. If that’s even possible after Eren acts.”

You nod, and the remainder of the meeting takes place with a sobriety you hadn’t felt since you and Erwin had seen his last decision. You all confirm that Eren will be placed under arrest for his actions and that Zeke will be separated. Levi will take over watching him, with thirty soldiers already in mind to keep him in line. As for the Volunteers? Hange doubted that anything would happen to anyone outside of Yelena, but you had a feeling they’d all share equal blame. 

Everyone separates, except Levi refuses to leave your side, even as you start to go over how to perform a laparotomy with Armin. Onyankopon joins the study session, telling you that he missed your guys’ conversations. While you work, Levi engages in the subject matter, asking about how to thoroughly treat gunshot wounds to various points in the body. His line of questioning leads you to bring out a map of the various anatomical systems in the body with special emphasis on the cardiovascular, respiratory, and digestive systems. 

Armin eagerly takes in the knowledge you have to offer, the skills you’ve picked up while working in a modern hospital. While Onyankopon confirms some of the necessary supplies on the airship, it’s obvious someone will need to… well, you’re going to have to steal from a hospital because you don’t have enough time to go through the normal channels.

The two of them go off to strategize the theft while Levi steals you away so the two of you can spend time together. Most of it is just holding one another, relishing in the reunion, nothing needing to be said. It’s been hard for the both of you. You never thought your first couple years of marriage would largely be spent apart. 

Levi mentions in passing wanting to keep you close to him when the Survey Corps returns to the island, but that he knows better. The two of you ponder what life would be like after this conflict, this war. Perhaps you’d both retire—live outside a major city and fulfill your dreams? But having spent so much time apart makes the both of you realize that your dreams—in the short term—have become just being with one another. You crave that achingly domestic life with him, _that_ kind of an adventure rather than the excitement that’s plagued your lives, but for now just being with one another is enough. You don’t need to be back on Paradis to be home.

After having the treatment set in your hair for nearly twelve hours, you’re both ready to wash it out—you desperately miss your natural color, miss looking in the mirror and seeing some semblance of _you_. ~~Though you know that even with your natural color, it still won’t be the person you want to see looking back at you.~~ With nearly everyone out of the house, he joins you in the shower.

❦

“Do you really trust Reiner?”

You turn your head to take in your husband. His eyes stay trained on the sky above. The stars aren’t as visible with the amount of light pollution generated by the city, but the warmth of the day kept you both up. You roll on your side and let your hand gently trace his cheekbone. He closes his eyes and lets out a small hum.

“I do.”

“Okay.”

“Is that all you wanted to ask?”

“Yeah. If you trust him, that’s good enough for me.”

He turns to face you, leaning into your palm. It’s good, so good, to be trusted. To have someone trust your judgment completely. Outside of frustrations over the number of times you put yourself in danger, he’s accepted everything you’ve done. ~~He does want to punch Reiner for having stayed on your couch but that’s something else entirely.~~ When you two had talked about the murders, he reminded you that he still loves you, that he still sees you as a worthy partner, that your chosen family still sees you as family. He tells you that he’s glad you’re safe and here and that you came back to him, just like you said you would. He’s so relieved by your presence that you had managed to convince him to lay in the grass and watch the sky with you.

“Levi?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, little demon,” he whispers, leaning forward to kiss your forehead.

* * *

#### Two Weeks Later

It’s hot for night. Too hot to be wearing your cape, but you persist. Perhaps it’s just your anxiety about what’s about to happen. Without being there, you already know how the crowd for Willy’s announcement is made up. Military—all of the leaders. Anyone higher than an officer. Ambassadors from a number of nations. Some of them even brought their entire families. Honorary Marleyans, including the Warriors and candidates. Newspapers staff. All of these people are about to become collateral damage. “Acceptable losses.” As if there’s such a thing. As if it’s at all acceptable for civilians to be used in such a horrendous manner.

Willy is going to go over the fake history of Marley, then explain the truth of it. But not the whole truth. Not the truth of modern Paradis. For some reason, Zeke wants this declaration of war. He _wants_ the world coming to hunt all of you down. Despite his claims of doing this for Eldia. 

Your heart hammers in your chest, and as you look out to the members of what was Levi Squad, you see your anxiety mirrored. Levi is going to cut out Zeke, and he promises to make it more painful than it needs to be. For that, you’re grateful. You’d kick his teeth in yourself if when this is said and done you’re not worried about Sasha. But you will be. 

Armin is sailing into the harbor to destroy the fleet currently docked. Doing so will kill _thousands._ “Acceptable losses.” You have turned into that which you swore to fight nine years ago. Eren will turn into his titan any moment now, slaughtering countless diplomats and military leaders and _civilians_ for his own fucking game. They will come and hunt you all down. And for _**WHAT?**_

For some great scheme cooked up by Zeke?! For a partial Rumbling?! For whatever the fuck Eren has planned? This—this is not why all of those soldiers died. This is not why Bertolt died. This is not—

Explosions and Eren’s Roar.

The light is flashed, signaling for the teams to move into position. There’s screaming in the distance and your heart sinks, but you move forward because it’s the only way to go. The screaming gets louder as you make your way in through the city and tears steadily stream down your face. There is no winning from this. This—this is a loss.

As you pass by buildings a couple blocks away from the plaza, you swear you see Pieck and Porco with a team of soldiers. Shit! Yelena was supposed to keep them hidden away, unable to attack. _Fuck!_

_she saw you_

Can’t do anything about that now. What you can do is get Eren and get the hell out of dodge! Shit. SHIT! You’ll eagerly kick his teeth in, too.

In the distance, you see a bright flash of yellow before a giant white hammer is created out of nothing. This must be Lara.

_Push!_  
_Faster!_

The faster you get this done the faster you can leave. The fewer people have to die.

Loud thudding as Eren manages to break away from the spire he was speared on. 

“Udo! Udo, stay with us!!”

 _No._ Fuck! What the fuck, Eren!? Children! There was a time when he would have done anything to protect them! What the fuck?

You hear the familiar cannon fire of anti-titan artillery.

“What was that?!” Connie shouts from behind you.

“Anti-titan artillery!” you yell back. 

“NO!”

Mikasa. How are you going to justify this? Will you even try?

On the rooftops, you see the military gathered with the cannons, and just before you signal for Oliver Squad to take them out with the thunder spears they have equipped, she speaks.

“Usurper. Eren Yeager. Do you have any last words?”

Fucking hell.

You don’t even have the chance to signal for Mikasa’s attack because she’s already gone. She uses her gear to wrap around the broken spire, catapulting her so she can attack the titan’s neck. But you remember that inkling in Willy’s memory—Lara’s mastered a way to use her titan while posing minimal danger to herself. 

Two explosions happen—the first at the War Hammer’s nape, the second from the rooftop with the surviving officers. Good. Perhaps if they finish the job, you won’t have to use Sasha, put her in more danger.

The titan collapses and you pause on the rooftop of your old apartment building. Levi Squad catches up and follows suit. 

“What are you waiting for?”

“The Warriors. Jaws and Cartman should be appearing soon. We’ll need to take them out to finish this shit and get home.”

“What?! How do you know?”

“It’s my fucking job. Let the other squads worry about the Marleyan soldiers. It’s our job to make sure that Eren doesn’t get eaten!”

Pulling out your binoculars, you see Mikasa and Eren across the plaza. Good. You look up and watch as hundreds of homes burn. What the hell is happening?

The War Hammer Titan starts to stand up again, healing. 

“What the hell?!”

“She isn’t like most titans—she doesn’t reside in the nape! She has a way to distance herself from her titan to ensure she lives!” you explain. “But she’s crystallized, like Annie! There’s no way we can get her out! We just have to hope that Eren can figure something out before the airship comes.”

Mikasa and Eren reposition themselves to a higher vantage point, somewhere further from her line of sight. Another explosion in the distance. Gunfire, and you doubt it’s theirs. Jean, Connie, and Sasha join you guys on the rooftop and you start to wonder where Reiner is through all this.

“What’s going on?” Jean asks.

“She won’t die if we attack the nape because she’s able to remotely control her titan, but her body is crystallized like Annie. Plus, the Jaw and Cart Titans are on their way. I don’t know what’s taking so long, though. Where’s your squad?”

“They’re in position. They know what they have to do.”

Before you can argue, Eren transforms and plunges his fist into the ground beneath the stage, grabbing her crystal. Detaching the connection, he starts to open his jaw to eat her. The building shakes beneath you and looking down, you see Porco.

“THERE! GET IN POSITION!” you order, but he’s already propelled himself off the building and is firmly holding Eren’s head and shoulders, exposing his nape. 

Levi takes off first with the rest of you following. You watch as he slices through Porco’s orbicularis oris and buccinator muscles. As Porco slips off Eren’s back, Eren reaches around and grabs Porco by the hair, suspending him mid-air. Porco slices through Eren’s wrist and flings himself forward to climb a neighboring building, but Mikasa fires off one of her spears.

As you watch him fall, the team begins to get in position. You dive down and land on his extended hand. His pupils dilate as they fix on you in your gear.

“Pock, please, stay down. I don’t want you to die, too,” you plea, using Pieck’s nickname for him to reassure him it’s _you_. He pauses, but you take the time to take off. He won’t stay down. He’s too stubborn to stay down.

Your team whips around building corners, amplifying their momentum, thunder spears ready to go. It’s almost like a dancing web of Scouts in the sky before Porco as he slowly starts to lift himself up. Levi flies past you as everyone continues forward—

_DANGER_

He senses it at the same time as you, but it’s too late—you’re already colliding with him, making sure he’s out of the line of fire.

“GET DOWN!” you scream as Pieck’s Panzer Unit begins firing.

“RETREAT! RETREAT!”

“I CAN’T SHAKE THEM!”

“Tch, what the hell?!” Levi mutters in your ear before you separate from him, taking off to try to get Porco to stay down.

Shit! The unit is targeting Jean, but you know that unlike Porco, Pieck will attack without question, regardless of how she feels about you. You’re her enemy now. ~~Maybe you never stopped~~. But even still, you make a pretty distraction. He’s the one with the equipment to take her down if possible.

“Pieck! If you want to take out the biggest threat besides Eren Yeager, you should take care of me!” you taunt, navigating the skies before her. 

She shifts her gaze to you for a moment—at least, you think she does because it’s hard to tell with her panzer gear—before glancing back in Porco’s direction. Ah. There it is. You redirect your gear, diving to land back on Porco. You make a show of drawing your blades though you have no intention of following through. She’ll focus on you—the biggest threat to her family.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” you hear Jean scream.

“SAVING YOUR ASS, WHORE MOUTH!”

Porco’s eyes widen and you shake your head, trying to convey that you won’t, but it’s enough for Pieck to reposition and gunfire to attempt to take you out. Instead, you dive through a window, tucking yourself into your roll after having dropped your blades. 

“EREN!”

Shit. What now?! You risk a glance out the window of the wall adjacent to the one you crashed through and see Eren’s titan has been lifted up by Lara’s titan, suspended in an odd matrix. The ground begins to shake, and you can only assume that Zeke has appeared. 

The gunfire ceases and you fly through the window. Your hook grabs onto the roof as you transfer destinations. Porco leaps onto the side of the building Pieck is standing on.

“Let none escape. Kill ‘em all.”

You never had the chance to fight the motherfucker back in Shiganshina and you’re not going to let this opportunity pass you by.

“Don’t die on me. Survive!”

Zeke runs forward at the same time that Levi takes off. That’s enough for you. Zeke reaches to grab Levi as he goes to slice through his arms. You aim for Zeke’s legs, attaching yourself to his torso. 

You whirl through the air as you approach, a deadly pirouette, and it’s deeply satisfying when your blades make contact with his flesh, slicing through the muscles keeping him upright. He falls to one knee, and something buzzes at the back of your mind. Levi works his way down the arm above you and you take the opportunity to scan the landscape.

Just past the pillar holding Eren, you see… something.

“You got this?” you shout at Levi.

“Do you have to ask? Go!”

Show off.

_watch out_

Your hook connects to the building to your left and you pull yourself away just as the gunfire starts up again. Looking back, you notice that Levi’s disappeared. That mother fucker.

“Protect the war chief’s rear!”

Two Scouts from Jean Squad fly past you, heading to Zeke’s nape with thunder spears.

“NO! DON’T—”

The panzer unit hits them both, knocking them out of the sky. Out of your peripheral, you see another Scout sneaking past Pieck’s field of vision to attack from behind. Just as he’s about to shoot, Porco knocks him out of the air and lands next to her.

They both pause, and you take the opportunity to glide up to the roof. Porco partially releases himself to communicate with Pieck.

“Be careful! I’m not sure where Ackerman is! He’s hiding somewhere.”

“Don’t worry about him. He’s not going to go for you,” you say, arms raised.

“Anaïs! What the fuck are you doing? You’re one of _them?”_

“That’s not my name. But yes. I’m XO Verite of the Survey Corps. I was here on a mission of peaceful reconnaissance until Zeke and Eren Yeager decided to blow everything up.”

“Verite? You’re—”

“The Oracle. This wasn’t our plan. None of this was. Zeke had a team approach us after the Paradis Island Operation failed. He’s been working with us to undermine Marley this entire time. I—I didn’t want any of you to die. I didn’t want to do to you what you did to us nine years ago.”

“Why should we believe you?!”

“Believe me. Don’t. It doesn’t matter. I truly don’t want either of you to die when something much, much bigger is coming.”

“What do you want from us?”

You raise your eyebrows as you prepare to leave, feeling three guns pointed at you with two fingers on the trigger. “From you? I want you both to live out the rest of your days in peace. That’s all I ever wanted for any of us. Oh, and don’t go after my husband. He _will_ kill you.”

Diving backward off the roof, you miss what Porco says, but clearly hear Pieck’s response.

“The Ackerman. But Porco—look! The War Hammer!”

Eren transforms a third time, escaping his now decomposing titan husk. For him to be doing this, she must be worn out completely. It’s not surprising. She had no reason to wield its ability before, meaning she’d have minimal stamina.

“What are you afraid of Pock? There’s no need for us to rush. We’re the ones controlling the battlefield. They’re being driven into a corner. They’re stranded in enemy territory without support.”

If only she knew how wrong she was.

Overhearing Pieck’s statements, Zeke responds.

“Eren Yeager is not my enemy.”

“No. But _I_ am,” you murmur, waiting for the signal.

“Someone else comes first. Take care of the Ackerman.”

Where’s Reiner throughout all of this?

The sky changes to an ominous golden-bronze as Armin transforms. All of those people. They didn’t need to die. A minute passes before you feel the wave of heat and wind that breaks the windows, even from kilometers away.

The Jaw Titan leaps from the building and starts frantically making his way back to Eren, who is still hopelessly holding onto Lara’s crystal. 

_Now._

Levi flies past you ~~and where the fuck was he all this time?~~ to target Zeke’s nape as planned. In less than thirty seconds, Zeke’s titan falls. You find Sasha hiding behind debris at a vantage point.

“How’s it going?”

“How’s it look like it’s going?” she responds, taking aim. While the panzer unit is focused on the Scouts zipping past, Sasha uses the opportunity to fire. As the shock of one of her soldier’s deaths dissipates, Pieck turns to face the two of you.

_get out._

“You’ll pay for that!”

Pieck lunges forward as you grab Sasha and roll, narrowly missing the impending attack. Jean vaults over the parapet and aims his gear for just below Pieck.

“This is for last time.” As he slides underneath her, he fires a thunder spear into her eye socket and calls for his team to finish the job.

“Forgive me,” you whisper as you pull you and Sasha to the next rooftop. Once you land, you let go. It hurts to watch as Pieck flails off the building in an attempt to put out the fire. As she lands on the ground, you see Magath, Gabi, and Falco standing barely over ten meters away.

“Sasha—him!” you point at the general.

Jean calls for his men to finish the titan and Falco runs forward to Pieck.

“NO!”

He stands protectively in front of her mangled face and Jean moves in. Before you know what you’ve done, you find yourself clutching Falco to you, protecting him from Jean, but it’s a moment too late—the thunder spear is already coming. Pieck’s titan releases enormous amounts of steam, scalding your exposed flesh. You pull Falco away, taking out your canteen and pouring water on his skin.

He looks at you, confusion and hurt clear in his eyes, and all you can tell him is, “I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” 

“XO! MOVE!” you hear Jean’s men call out as they come down through the streets. The sharp _CRACK!_ of a rifle goes off and you realize Magath is shooting them down. His men follow suit and you figure, well, since you’re down here…

Your hook catches through the furthest soldier’s knee and you drag him to you, knocking the nearer men down. Releasing the hook, you run forward and leap, connecting your knee to Koslow’s face. He crumples to the ground just in time for one of the men you had knocked down to stand back up. You extend your leg, kicking him back, before pushing yourself off the ground and hitting your knee against his chest while bringing your elbow down on his head. The other man stands as you land. He comes forward, and you chamber your right leg, pivot, and extend, making contact with his head. 

“Braun! Give Grice a hand!”

_danger_

Magath is aiming the rifle at you, trying to recognize your face.

You offer up a cocky smile. “Annie really made for a great sparring partner, don’t you think?”

His eyes widen as he recognizes you and the words that come out of your mouth. You take advantage of the momentary distraction and shoot him in the knee. As you pull yourself up, you see the ship.

Whistling, you get the Scouts’ attention. Your gear catches on the underside of the airship and you pull yourself up. Glancing around, you see the soldiers following your lead and pulling themselves up. Good. Let’s go home.

There’s netting attached just under the hangar doors, perfect to help Scouts pull themselves up. Your fingers tangle with the nets, and a sense of dread fills you as the door opens. Kneeling, Levi offers you his hand. Once on board, he crushes you against him.

“Thank you for making it back to me,” he murmurs. He pulls back and he lets you get away with a quick kiss. 

“Kick Zeke’s ass for me? Make him pay?”

He smirks, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Hange pulls the two of you into an empty room and tells you, “This was much messier than it needed to be. I’m worried about the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers.”

You agree, specifically voicing concerns about having Yelena have access to Zeke. It had originally been planned that he would be kept at the ruins of Utgard Castle, but you had another idea.

“I have a feeling that shit’s about to go south. I think it would be best if we acted like we were going through with the plan to hold Zeke at Utgard Castle, but kept him elsewhere with a small team, minimal contact, and only one outside person to know of the location.”

“That sounds… great! Levi already has his team assembled, all men he trusts, but who do you think should know?”

“You would be the obvious option.”

“True,” Hange ponders. “Why don’t we have _you_ be the person to decide where his new location is? You’re not going to give up Shorty’s location even if your life depended on it.”

They leave, and Levi is looking at you for direction. He’s looking at you like your word means the world to him, like he’s trusting you with all of him. You pull him in for a quick kiss before whispering, “The Forest of Giant Trees.”

The two of you leave the room and turn down the hall to the cargo bay. Wind whips around as Scouts continue to pour in. Walking over to an open door, you see Connie and Sasha zipping towards you. Helping Connie up first, he tells you that Jean’s not too far behind. He helps you pull Sasha up as your eyes connect with Jean. Sasha and you pull Jean onto the ship, and he immediately holds you to him.

“What the hell was that?! I thought I was going to kill you!” 

“I’m sorry—I’m not sure why I did that,” you mumble as he lets go.

Most of the soldiers are on board now. Floch steps forward as Sasha enumerates the known losses. 

“That’s nothing compared to the damage we did! It’s a huge victory!” he shouts, raising his fist into the air. Red floods your vision as you step forward, cocking your fist. Your hands are wrapped, making your incoming punch hurt like a flung brick. The sickening crunch and the warm gush of blood signals that you broke his nose. Unlike your previous promise, you have no intention of patching him up. As you pull back your fist to punch again, Jean’s arm grabs ahold of yours and he pulls you back.

It’s incomprehensible, the screams coming out of your mouth and the screams coming from the recruits, but Daz, of all people, continues Floch’s victory cry, distracting them. No. These aren’t Scouts. They’re… something else. It’s like a knife twisting in your gut and the taste in your mouth turns bitter. Floch tries to get in your face and you spit at him, throwing out that disgusting taste, that bitter fucking hatred, before kicking him in the stomach. The recruits pick him up and carry him down the hall. 

Jean lets go of you, only to be immediately captured into a hug by Connie and Sasha. “Anyways, I’m just glad we survived again. It’s not very fair to the others, but you guys are special to me.” Sasha pats his hand on her shoulder and Jean shrugs him off.

“That hurts, idiot. Don’t hug us wearing hard-ass gear.”

You can’t help but laugh as Connie bites back, digging at Jean’s obsession with his beard.

_danger_

Sasha complains about being hungry and you watch as they start to turn down the hallway themselves.

_danger_

Your heartbeat is pounding in your ears as fear nearly paralyzes you.

It’s coming.

It’s coming.

Sasha turns her head at what you know to be a dull _thunk_.

 _NO._ NO YOU WILL NOT WATCH HER DIE.

You push yourself forward, overcoming your paralysis. You’re almost to her—

_WATCH OUT_

“GET DOWN!” you scream, arm outstretched to Sasha.

 _No!_ You have to protect her! Your sister! Your family!

You make contact with her, making her stumble backward and then—

_burning, a sharp piercing pain in your shoulder._  
what is this?  
why are you falling like this?  
why does this burn?  
Sasha—her hip  
why is there blood?

did you change it?

_did you change the future?_

it doesn't really matter now because everything is red.

everything

is

e m p t y


	53. Levi Pt. VII **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I am hypnotised._   
>  _Sleepwalking to the rythm of your words,_   
>  _Never wishing to wake—_   
> 
> 
> Michael Faudet, "hypnotised" 

* * *

#### The Airship - Levi

Everyone who lived is on the airship, but he can’t worry about them. The only two people he can care about right now are the Yeagers. Fucking assholes.

He wants to beat that defeated yet self-righteous look off of Eren’s fucking face. When he left the Underground, he was relieved to get away from shits that look like that. _He_ used to look like that, back when the only thing that mattered was Isabel, Farlan, and himself. And now this kid—Eren…

Levi sacrificed too many people for this asshole. He dedicated years of his life to making sure this kid didn’t become a monster, didn’t succumb to the titan within. But after tonight? These past couple months? He doesn’t recognize the little bastard. 

There’s a loud _BANG!_ and everyone stops, realizing that it must be your vision of Sasha. Armin starts to get ready to leave—you’ll need help—when Jean comes in, two kids bound by rope in front of him.

Wait. Those two—he recognizes their faces from what you had shown them. That blonde one… that’s the one you nearly sacrificed yourself to save. Their eyes pass by Armin and Mikasa, pass Levi, pass Yelena, and land firmly on Zeke.

“Gabi? Falco? Why are you here?”

The words leave Jean’s mouth, the explanation of what they’ve done before the kids can address Zeke.

 _NO._

Armin’s eyes widen. “Jean—I need your help if we’re going to save them!”

He nods and Mikasa replaces him. Levi should say… something, _do_ something, but Jean’s words are ringing in his ears. 

Shot? You? But… that’s not how that’s supposed to happen. 

They’re talking behind him, around him, but their words can’t seem to penetrate his ears. Hange comes out of the cockpit and addresses the Yeagers. Their presence snaps him out of it, and he orders his men to stay behind while he rushes to the cargo bay. 

You’re—

Everything is red. Instead of being hit in the stomach, Sasha was hit through the hip. And there, through your right shoulder is a hole, ugly and red and **massive.**

Armin and Jean are working on you, trying to put pressure on either side of you to stop the bleeding while Connie is trying to help Sasha. 

Your lessons from two weeks ago are still fresh in his mind. He never used guns, and they tend to tear through the body differently than knives and swords, and he was curious. Is it any different? They are.

Gunshot wounds are, at best, thirteen times more likely to kill someone than a stab wound, either committed by an amateur. It gets higher when you look at professionals, with serial killers and soldiers easily having a higher kill rate. 

A shot to the stomach is likely to bleed out in five minutes. Lower in the abdomen, there’s the risk of infection, sepsis. It’s apparently higher in injuries in the abdomen than elsewhere. A properly placed shot to the upper chest can have someone bleed out in minutes, their heart steadily pumping to its end. Headshots vary, depending on the type of gun used, how far away it was, where it hit, but it’s rare to survive such a wound, according to you. And where you were shot?

There’s major veins in the shoulder that lead directly to the heart. There’s risk to the lungs, the possibility of a sucking chest wound. There’s the bone, with the probability of fracturing, shattering, so that even if the bullet left no shrapnel itself, you might still be left with broken bits of bone tearing through you. 

_How did this happen?_

* * *

#### Late April 854 - Levi

“Welcome to my diplomatic estate. You are welcome to stay here throughout the international forum. I must ask that you do not do anything to unnecessarily draw attention to yourselves as it will reflect upon me,” Azumabito warns.

The house is enormous, larger than the Verite estate, large enough to comfortably house fifteen or so people if you wanted everyone to have elbow room, which Levi did. 

“A letter has arrived for you,” one of Azumabito’s men states, handing Jean a sandy colored envelope. It must be from you. Jean opens it and pays no mind to Levi, waiting to read what you’ve written.

_ Dearest John, _

_ I miss you so very dearly. I am doing well in Liberio! It’s so different from how it is back home. The Marleyans here are beyond generous to allow us such accommodations. I only wish you could join me. _

_ I’ve been employed at the hospital here, though I will be shipping off today to the front lines. I am eager to help Marley be victorious in this needless conflict. I’ll be helping patch soldiers up. I feel like I can finally start atoning for our ancestors’ sins. _

_ Be safe, dear brother, and give my well wishes to Shani and Abel. I shall write again when we return victorious! _

_ Until we are reunited, your dear sister, _

Shit. He immediately feels a headache taking hold just above his right eye as he gives the letter to Hange. Things are really bad here, but at least you were in a position to learn more. He knows that you return to him—none of your visions of the future have failed to come true thus far—but even still, you’re going to be in the war with the Mid-East Allies? Shit.

* * *

#### Early May - Levi

The international forum is a waste of time. The organization only argued for improvement over interned Eldians, explicitly noting the difference between “good” Eldians and the island devils. Wonderful.

That headache from a week ago hasn’t gone away, and, if anything, this makes it worse. 

He hasn’t been sleeping well since you left. ~~He never sleeps well if you aren’t with him.~~ The Marleyans here like their teas sweet, like everything sweet, and it disgusts him. Azumabito tried getting Levi to try coffee, and while the aroma was pleasant, the taste was not. He hates this cursed land.

Each week they hear updates from the war. So many Eldian losses, and they don’t even bother to list the names. He knows he sees you again in that dingy building, but he can’t stop checking the known casualties.

To make matters worse, Eren disappeared and the brat won’t stop freaking out about it.

* * *

#### Late May 854 - Levi

Levi has made a habit out of waiting for the mail person in the afternoons. The war is still ongoing, but he hopes that you’ll have come home somehow, responding to his letter. He hates how you had to lie, say that he’s dead, but you told him that way you could take the ring without it seeming suspicious and that way you could guilt men into leaving you alone. He hates how you have to do that, that he has to write you using Armin’s alias.

Jean comes in with today’s paper in hand and Levi doesn’t acknowledge him. Until they receive word from you or Eren, he doesn’t particularly care.

“Here,” Jean says tersely, tossing the folded paper at Levi. He catches it and opens it up.

Marley’s Strategic Genius Decisively Wins War At Fort Slava!

You’re coming back.

His eyes greedily scan the paper, looking for any mention of you even though he knows there won’t be. There’s a brief paragraph regarding the Warrior Unit’s involvement, but the rest of the article is pure propaganda, attributing everything to dated technology and poor strategy.

“I’m going to be writing the letter. They mentioned the soldiers should be returning within two week’s time, so I’ll tell her to set a location to meet for June,” Jean explains as though he’s not telling Levi this to ease his anxiety. Levi acts as though he’s not breathing easier.

* * *

#### Mid-June 854 - Levi

_I had the great honor of meeting the Warriors!_

“From what I was able to gather, she managed to convince Commander Magath to keep her on as acting physician,” Azumabito tells him, confirming what Jean reported from your meeting. That’s nowhere near as bad as finding out that you’ve already dealt with Reiner and are in close proximity to Zeke.

That point forward, his squad alternates picking up your drops to avoid suspicion. Your reports are brief and so heavily coded that Armin and Onyankopon are almost permanently assigned to interpreting them. 

“She’s found Eren,” Armin shouts, pencil falling from behind his ear as he stands. 

“What? Where?!” Mikasa is at his side in an instant.

“The hospital in the internment zone. He’s dressed like an injured veteran and she says he’s okay, but she doesn’t say any more.”

“What if he’s truly injured?”

“He’s not,” Levi says, a little harsher than he had originally intended. “He’s a titan shifter. He’ll be able to heal himself just fine. The real question is how are we going to bring him in?”

“We can’t just leave him there! What if they’re abusing him?”

“Tch. Stay here. I’ll go see what I can do,” he grumbles, eyes flickering to Hange who nods. He grabs his jacket, though he has no intention of putting it on, and walks out the door.

It’s about half the city over, but he needs to do _something_ or he’ll murder someone. ~~He won’t murder someone.~~

~~Probably.~~

He hates this cursed land. The summers are worse here for some fucking reason, almost like the entire city is a heat trap. With its proximity to the sea, it’s humid, making his clothes stick to him. How these Marleyans continue to wear their jackets in this kind of heat, he’ll never know. Even the Survey Corps uniform breathed more than these suits. 

Fuck. He misses that shitty island and its shitty history and the shitty house he has with you. It’s not _the_ house, but it doesn’t matter because it’s yours and his. 

The internment zone is walled off—what is it with Eldians and walls?—and guarded. He’s not even sure how he’ll get in without his gear, but he’ll manage. He’ll drag Eren back kicking and screaming if he has to.

As Levi turns the corner, there’s a pleasant breeze which helps to cool him off a little. Across the street is a park, something small and generally unappealing, but he hesitates when his eyes scan the crowds out of habit. Two armbands, one red, one blue. He’s never heard of the blue one before, but the red ones are for Warriors. 

Is that—?

It is.

Zeke. Who’s the woman next to him?

He pauses and people run into him at his sudden stop, but he doesn’t care because he realizes it’s _you_. You’re in a pleasant summer dress that’s tied at the waist. Your hair is a little red, but Azumabito had given you that shit to dye your hair. You’re here, so close to him.

Even from this distance, he can see the tension you’re holding in your posture. Zeke stands, bows to you, and walks around the bench to head away from Levi. As he does, he pauses, leaning in close to your ear. Levi takes an involuntary step forward, ready to act, ready to murder him, the asshole who murdered Erwin and who haunts your nightmares, but as Zeke walks away, you shake your head at Levi. 

No. You’re too professional for that. It could get you murdered if you, with an armband, are caught with him, without. It takes all his considerable willpower to stay in place, to avoid reaching out to you like he so desperately ~~wants~~ _needs_. You tug at something under the blouse of your dress and pull out a chain. His chain. The sun is set just so in the sky, allowing for the silver of his ring to reflect back to him. 

_Soon._

The two of you stay like that for a while, just watching one another from across the street. He returns that night without Eren and with the promise to try again tomorrow.

❦

The following day, the first letter from Eren arrives.

_Go along with Zeke’s plan._  
_The day of Willy Tybur’s production, I will act, with or without you._

He can’t leave Eren behind. Too many people have died to protect him. Too many sacrifices made to save humanity. He can’t let all that be for naught. 

❦

_Dearest John,_

_I am afraid. I have been plagued with nightmares for the last month. The nightmares are terribly violent, with titans attacking Liberio. I think they’re lingering trauma from having seen the full might of the titans during the battle of Fort Slava, but knowing that doesn’t make them any less frightening. Additionally, I’ve had dreams of so many deaths. Shani, Abel, Zion, Elan… Even though the battle ended a month ago, they still plague my waking moments._

_I wish you were here and that we could talk in person. As it is, I have a very busy schedule and hardly have any time to myself, save for when I lay my head on my pillow. Regardless, I look forward to hearing from you._

_Until we are reunited,_   
_Your Dear Sister_

Both Jean and Levi are harassing Hange, demanding they approve your extraction. They’re hesitant, unsure what to do about Eren, too. At least with you there, you could kind of keep an eye on him. But from what you describe, he’s going to use his titan ability to launch an attack. They can’t plan without strategizing, and to do that, they need you.

After two more days of Hange’s indecision, Jean and Levi take it upon themselves to get you out. Jean stays behind to keep Hange from seeking Levi out while Levi equips his ODM gear and leaves to find you. 

The air is thick, sticking to his skin, grabbing his clothes, but he doesn’t care. He’s coming for you. From how Jean described it, the building you live in is in front of the plaza where they’re building the stage. One of the windows into the hallway is open, and he slips through. This whole thing has to be quiet. In and out.

There. Your door number. He picks the lock and settles in, waiting for your arrival. It’s smaller than he thought it would be, but cozy. The kitchenette looks relatively unused, save for the teapot. He figures he’ll help you pack and starts putting together your bag. As he finishes, he hears the metal of your key entering the keyhole and the gentle turning of the knob. 

“Fucking shit,” he hears you grumble and he relishes in the beautiful sound of your voice. The door shuts and he listens as you cross the apartment and start fiddling through your desk. How have you not noticed the suitcase that doesn’t belong? 

He steps out of the bedroom and his eyes rake over your form. He’s missed you. More than he thinks he could ever convey. 

You stiffen, pull up your skirt for something on your leg—a knife?

“Hello, little demon.” 

Hardly there, but still there.

The grip around the knife falters and it slips from your fingers. He crosses the room to you at the same time you come to him and you gladly slip into his arms, gladly wrap yours around him. You smell like _home_ , like lavender and lemon and rosemary, and he realizes that you _are_ home for him. Wherever you are is where he’s home.

* * *

#### The Airship - Levi

It’s been determined that your body had removed the majority of the kinetic energy released by the bullet, meaning that once it hit Sasha, it didn’t do significant enough damage to warrant an operation. Connie has managed to get the bullet out of Sasha’s hip and Levi takes over her care while he goes to assist with you.

He’s glad he listened to you a year ago when you insisted on making sure your team knew how to take care of gunshot wounds. He regrets having argued at all. He regrets not cherishing yesterday with you. ~~If only he knew~~. NO. You’re going to make it. You _have_ to. 

He finishes wrapping Sasha up and calls for two Scouts to help lift her to the recovery room you made sure the ship had. Floch comes forward, face busted and a startling shade of eggplant purple. 

“No. I need someone whose depth perception isn’t off.”

“Just because that bitch punched me doesn’t mean I’m incapable of carrying Sasha,” he yells at Levi.

His eyes flash as he realizes Floch means _you_. You punched him. And he—

“If you ever talk about my wife like that again, _I’ll_ knock you into next week.” Levi snarls. Varis comes forward and takes the space Floch had previously occupied. As the two of them lift Sasha and carry her away, he hears the Scouts murmur about his marriage. 

He hears your shriek of agony from the sterilized room they have you in.

Running to them, he opens the door. There’s so much blood over their gloves and clothes, all of it yours. They’re holding you down as you cry, though Levi’s not even sure you’re awake.

“We need an anesthetic!” 

“Levi! In the cabinet over there,” Jean instructs. “Top drawer!” 

He follows their orders and brings Jean the needle and the serum, but is hesitant to hold you down because he isn't clean. Once the needle is ready, Jean injects it into the soft flesh of your shoulder. 

“Calm her, please,” Armin requests. Levi moves to your head and leans in close, talking to you about everything, anything that isn’t the reality of you having been shot or what he’s watching now. You seem to calm, and it’s clear that you’re awake. He talks you through everything that he wants for you, with you. He tells you about his childhood—something the two of you rarely discuss. He tells you about how Erwin forced him into joining the Survey Corps. He tells you about stories you’ve never heard and stories you’ve already heard. 

_“Levi,”_ you say, voice gravelly. _“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk this much.”_

“Only for you.”

You hum and close your eyes.

He stays like this, with you, until they’re done. They finish nearly ten minutes after the airship lands, but he refuses to leave your side. Not right now.

He might not see you for a number of months, and he needs to know that you’ll be okay, that he’ll have you to come home to.

“I’ll stay with her to make sure she recovers without an infection,” Armin tells him. “I think she might have some damage to her brachial plexus, and she definitely has a fracture in her scapula. We’re lucky that it missed the clavicle and that she doesn’t have a floating shoulder injury.”

Levi scratches his forehead, taking in everything Armin’s saying. Jean and Connie look completely wiped out, exhausted from doing something they had minimal experience with. 

“How’s—how’s Sasha?” Connie asks.

“She should be fine, but Armin should take a look at her next,” Levi rasps.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” Jean mutters. “Sasha was supposed to get shot in the stomach. We spent the last two weeks preparing for _that_.”

“She… changed it,” Armin says with light reverence. “She changed what she saw. And Sasha’s alive because of it.”

You grunt as you begin to wake.

_“-vi?”_

“I’m right here.”

_“Love you. Make sure Gabi’s okay.”_

“Gabi? The—the one that shot you?” Jean asks incredulously.

_“Yeah.”_

“What’s the other one’s name?”

Your eyes open forcefully. _“What other one?”_

“The blonde boy,” Jean informs you.

_“Falco? Falco’s here?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so of all the medical shit I've done with this story, the handling of GSWs is the most inaccurate. Mind you, I am by no means a medical expert, but I _have_ tried to do research and make sure that what I describe _is_ as close to medically accurate as possible while keeping in mind the technology available.
> 
> To have been able to get the bullet out of Sasha's hip, we're talking about at least an hour long procedure wherein they thoroughly open up the GSW victim to retrieve the bullet. Additionally, for OC, we're talking about all sorts of damage, including a possible collapsed lung, possible rupturing of the subclavian, cephalic, and/or the axillary vein, not to mention the numerous fracturing and splintering of bone and the likely nerve damage. 
> 
> A bullet from a rifle would tear through the body, especially at that close of a range. Realistically, there'd be a very small chance of OC surviving. But plot. So just go with it, yeah?


	54. The Antecedent Pt. I **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _this place makes me_   
>  _the kind of exhausted that has_   
>  _nothing to do with sleep_   
>  _and everything to do with_   
>  _the people around me_   
> 
> 
> Rupi Kaur, "introvert" 

Falco? _Here?_ But how?

“I need—I need to see them,” you say, trying to get up.

Jean chastises you. “You shouldn’t be standing right now! A-and we need to get you something to cover you up!”

“You guys already bandaged me up,” you say, getting increasingly frustrated. As you try to sit up, pushing yourself with your left arm, you begin to feel faint. Levi removes his cloak and wraps it around you, fastening it to your front. “Just—let me talk to them. I know them. They probably hate me, but I—”

“Okay,” Levi mutters. He helps you to your feet and encourages you to lean on him for support. He walks you out. The Scouts are escorting the injured off the airship, including hauling Sasha off on a gurney. 

“Will she be okay?”

“You blocked the bullet with your own body. It went through you and stopped at her hip.”

“But she lived,” you say, awestruck. “I—how?”

“I don’t have an answer for you,” Levi comments, leading you outside the airship. 

The Military Police are in the process of apprehending Gabi and Falco and you urge Levi to them. 

“Wait! Before you take them away—”

“They’re Marleyan dogs, and under our custody,” the MP states, hatred seeping from his being.

“They’re _children_. I think I’m entitled to speak to the _child_ who shot me, don’t you?” His eyes narrow in defiance. “Don’t you have a titan to go lock up? Go make yourselves useful. I think Humanity’s Strongest can handle two children, don’t you?”

You feel Levi’s eyes on you, but your gaze never leaves the MPs. 

“I’ll be talking to Commander Dok about this. Matthaus, go get Waltz and tell him to watch over these two.”

They stalk off as Matthaus goes to fetch Waltz. Your eyes don’t leave them until they’re out of earshot, at which point you take in the kids in front of you. Gabi’s hair is disheveled and there’s dried blood around her nose and mouth and welts and bruises on Falco’s face. 

“Who did this to them?” you ask Levi.

“I wasn’t there for that. You’ll have to ask Jean.”

You nod and call out for Louise to bring you a cloth wet with warm water. She nods and follows your instruction. She’s… kind. Looks up to Mikasa—almost obsessively—but she follows your orders just fine.

“Why did you betray us?!” Gabi shouts at you when you turn to face them again. “I thought you were a friend! How could you do this!?”

Louise hands you the cloth and Levi helps you kneel in front of her. You work quietly, wiping the blood off her face as hot tears stream down her cheeks.

“I didn’t betray you,” you murmur. “I wasn’t honest with you about who I am, but I didn’t betray you.”

“You’re a devil, aren’t you?!”

You pause, see the fear and anger in her eyes. “Do I look like a devil to you?”

It gives her pause, enough for Falco to speak. “Who are you?”

“I am Executive Medical Officer Verite of the Survey Corps.”

“Verite? But they’re just a myth! A story told by the royal family!!” 

“I can assure you I’m no myth,” you say and she jerks her face away from your soft touch. You sigh, dropping your hand into your lap. “My mission was to perform reconnaissance to find out about Marley’s needs, to find a way in which Paradis could argue for peace. Our memories were wiped from us by King Fritz, and we had no idea of the monstrosities Eldia had committed. We had grown up fearing the titans, dying by the hundreds for them. When the Warriors came… What happened in Liberio was exactly what happened in Shiganshina. We shouldn’t have done it, but we were forced into it.”

“No! You’re all island devils! The root of all evil! You killed my friends! Zofia and Udo! They trusted you!! And the gate guards! They saved me but were shot by your friend!”

“I’m sorry, I am. I didn’t kill anyone in the fight.” No. You didn’t kill any soldiers.

“Why did you save me?” Falco whispers.

“How could I not? I’d do it again.”

Waltz appears and Levi helps you up. He salutes you and Levi and you dismiss it. “Make sure these two are given proper meals and adequate conditions. If necessary, I’ll arrange it with Commander Dok.”

“Sir.”

You and Levi turn back to head towards your Hange and the rest of the veterans. 

“Why do you care so much about them?”

“They deserve the chance to be kids, don’t you think?”

He doesn’t answer you as you approach Hange. 

“We’re being summoned to Trost for debrief,” Hange explains. Due to Levi’s… strongarming of Hange, you’ll be in the same carriage as Levi and Zeke. When offered, you gladly take one of the modified handguns.

❦

The towns outside of Trost are crowded with people, celebrating the apparent “win.” What the fuck happened to the public while you were gone? Or are they so drunk on their nationalism that they’re blind to the cost of Eren’s actions and the incoming war?

“So. Your reports say you were victorious? Ignorance is a frightening thing,” Zeke says, humor underscoring his tone. Maybe it’s just his own arrogance?

“I’m going to kill you, send your corpse to Marley, and reveal everything about your plot. It’ll probably spell the end for your grandparents,” Levi explains.

“Oh, I’ve already taken care of the last bit. We just need to kill him now,” you say.

“What do you mean?” Zeke asks.

“While I doubt that Pieck and Porco will believe me at first, Reiner has proof of my mission, of the original intentions of this island. Such a shame. Dr. Yeager is still haunted by the actions of his son, and now he’s going to be punished for the actions of his grandson.”

“Regardless, if this ‘secret plan’ of yours is real, I wouldn’t mind waiting a little longer before slicing you to pieces. I don’t care either way.”

Zeke stops glaring at you to instead take in Levi, his contempt. You try to move your right arm and grunt in pain as a stabbing sensation overtakes you. Your grip on the gun in your left hand tightens. 

“Surely you don’t need that?” Zeke asks you. “Shouldn’t I be meeting Eren first?” Levi tenses beside you, but neither of you stops staring at Zeke with murderous intent. “Do you two think you can stop glaring at me like that?”

“Do you think you can drop dead?”

❦

All of the military commanders are present, along with Survey Corps leadership. The meeting is arduous and odious as they pick apart each part of the information you have to offer. Some of them are upset that you actually _helped_ in the Mid-East conflict, despite needing to do so to learn about the military and keep your cover. Others are eager to praise Armin’s destruction of the fleet. Finally, Zeke is called upon to share his intel.

The information he gives is… largely nonconsequential. He phrases everything in such a careful way that you could easily mistake him for a politician. When it comes time to explain his actions from four years ago, the waves most of the concerns away as maintaining his cover, just as you had. 

You want to object, to say that when you maintain your cover, it didn’t result in people’s deaths, except. It did. Not as many as him, but the taking of a life, regardless of how many, is a stain you won’t ever be able to wash away, never be able to justify. 

It isn’t until he describes his attack on Ragako that you object.

“It spread like a fog downwind and engulfed the village. The gas contained my spinal fluid. Any Subjects of Ymir who inhaled the gas were immediately frozen in place. They no longer had control over their bodies and they lost consciousness.”

You stand abruptly, your instincts yelling, _screaming_ at you.

“That’s not true.”

Zeke looks perturbed by your interruption while various commanders look offended. Zackly allows you to continue.

“There is a titan that remains in Ragako village. She is the mother of another Scout, Connie Springer. Using my ability, I was able to determine what had happened. It is true that it was an aerosol attack and that it seemed to affect every villager who inhaled the substance, but their reactions are not as Zeke described.”

Pixis shifts his eyes from you to Zeke. “Please, XO Verite, describe what you saw.”

“From Mrs. Springer’s memories, I saw strange men, who I realize now were Marleyan soldiers sent with Zeke. She didn’t recognize the men, but she didn’t think anything of it after Wall Maria had been lost. Everyone maintained control of their bodies and was able to continue moving on their own until Zeke screamed, triggering their transformations. From my experience, it appears that Zeke’s royal heritage combined with his being one of the Nine has granted him some limited power similar to that of the Founding Titan.”

Which means that anyone who ingests his spinal fluid wouldn’t know about it until it’s triggered. But spinal fluid is so difficult to obtain because there’s so little of it. How would they have been able to gather enough to weaponize it? What other methods of weaponizing it would there be?

The debriefing continues, and you can’t shake the tingling in the back of your neck. Zackly announces the plans moving forward—they’re all Hange’s plans, but fuck if he admits that. Eren is to be imprisoned for a minimum of three months for insubordination, inciting violence, and starting a war without going through proper channels. Zeke is to be placed in Levi’s protective custody until Eren’s release, with only Hange, three supply soldiers—of _your_ choosing, though Hange has it in the proposition that _they’ll_ be the one assigning them—and the thirty soldiers of Levi’s choosing knowing the exact whereabouts. Gabi and Falco will be held in the prison of the Old Scout Headquarters 

You are to remain in the hospital with Sasha under Armin’s medical care and a team of doctors summoned from Mitras who will report to Armin—though that was _your_ stipulation. While you had been steadily building up the number of people you could trust, it’s more apparent than ever that you need to be careful again, that you need to be stingy with your trust. With your husband completely out of reach and increasing tension in Paradis, you can’t underestimate or underappreciate the value of your trusted comrades. 

Before Levi and his men leave, he pulls you into a kiss, unrestrained by watching eyes. 

“I order you to come back to me,” you murmur as you hold him to you. 

“Tch. I’m still your Captain for the time being. _You_ come back to _me._ ”

“Always.” The smile he gives you is something just for you.

“Show me?”

“Okay,” you whisper. He releases you from his grip but keeps your hand firmly in his. 

You dive and—

Stemming from the hole in your shoulder, you feel like you’re being ripped apart, like your skin is being flayed from your being, like your bones are being broken and shattered. It is absolutely agonizing—raw, sharp, stabbing. 

Levi lets go and it stops, but the damage is done and your nerves are on fire. You don’t even recognize the sounds coming from you as you drop to your knees. 

Armin runs to your side and tries to soothe you, determine what’s wrong, what’s causing the pain. He turns to Levi.

“Are you okay?” 

As the pain subsides into a constant throbbing, you turn and see a pained expression on Levi’s face as though he was experiencing it, too.

“I’m fine,” he grunts through clenched teeth. 

“What happened?” you ask.

“It didn’t work. It felt like I had been shot in your stead.”

It… didn’t work. Is _this_ the cost? Of… altering the future? Of saving Sasha? Uncertainty?

“I-I’m sorry,” you say with a shaky breath. 

“Don’t be. Are _you_ alright?”

“I’m getting there,” you mutter as Armin helps bring you back to your feet. “Maybe this is because—”

“Because you changed the future?” Armin finishes your thought.

“Yeah. I… just don’t get why it hurt.”

“Sir! We need to get going!” Varis calls out to Levi. You nod in recognition, raising your hand in apology. Levi steps forward and kisses you hesitantly.

“I’ll be okay. You’re not allowed to die until after all this is said and done,” you warn playfully—well, as playfully as you can given the circumstances. 

“You too, little demon.” 

He mounts his black mare and leads his men out of the city and towards their destination.

❦

Once in the hospital, you are pleased to learn that you’ll be staying in the same room as Sasha. She’s awake, complaining that they won’t bring her meat, and you ask Armin if he can call for Niccolo. You offer to pay, just relieved as all hell that she’s alive, she’s here with you. 

Some of the doctors from Mitras come in and poke and prod in the name of understanding the severity of your injuries, and _fuck_ does it hurt. The whole ordeal is only made better when Niccolo comes bearing gifts.

To your surprise, he brings a pizza and pasta, revealing that the MPs enjoyed his food enough that he and his staff were able to afford a remodel of the kitchen in their restaurant to expand their menu. He’s happy with both of your responses and sits between the two of you as you eat. 

You struggle with using your right arm at all, pain shooting down your arm while it feels like an intense pinching of the nerves in your hand. Sasha grunts in pain any time she needs to move her left leg, and when Armin comes back, you ask to see both of your charts. 

She… the bullet had stopped at her femoral head, leading to possible damage to her femoral nerve. Connie had managed to slow the bleeding from the femoral vein until it coagulated, something that the doctors had begun to fix when she arrived, but… you guys don’t have the technology to help, not like you would have had in Marley, even with the battered and broken equipment that was available in the internment zone.

And you? You are lucky that Armin was able to work on your axillary vein and that your lung didn’t collapse once you had a giant hole in your shoulder. Your scapula is fractured, a hole clearly created through the bone, and it is a miracle that it didn’t turn into a compound fracture or into a floating shoulder. And Armin believes you have damage done to your brachial plexus. 

Wonderful. Fucking… wonderful. Both of you are looking at a minimum of six months’ recovery time, but more likely a year. A year, when the entire world wants Paradis exterminated _now._

**Fuck.**

* * *

#### One Week After Returning From Marley- Trost

They finally release you, but you have appointments scheduled three times a week for the next two months. Armin appeases you by saying he can do two of those three and they can be done off-site.

Sasha’s family visits, with her parents thanking you profusely once she explained your vision. They don’t quite understand it, but they know that this would’ve meant the end for her had you not jumped in. Niccolo stops by around the same time that they’re visiting and offers to host them at the restaurant. You suspect that it’s because he’s sweet on Sasha and wants to impress her family. Either that, or he’s happy to take your money—not that you aren’t happy to give it to him for the quality of food. 

You’re granted permission to visit Gabi and Falco at the old HQ to confirm their conditions. More than simply wanting to make sure the MPs were following your directive, you want to make certain they’re being cared for. You’d gladly take them into your custody if it weren’t for the fact that the Survey Corps are now under investigation for Eren’s actions in Marley. 

Gabi refuses to talk to you while you visit, nor do you force her to. Falco looks utterly betrayed by you. You bring out food, much to the guard’s dismay, and hand it to him, apologizing for this entire situation. While they eat—Gabi reluctantly eating and reluctantly groaning at Niccolo’s sandwiches—you tell them stories of your youth. 

Your father and what he did, how he refused to kill Erwin’s father for daring to have a hypothesis about Fritz. Your mother and how she gave up a life of luxury to pursue medicine. What it was like when Bertolt had kicked in the gate to Shiganshina. What it was like when he reappeared in Trost. How, despite loving him, you didn’t know what he was until it was too late. How Zeke had orchestrated nearly the entire thing and how you warned the rest of the Warriors while still arguing for peace.

When they don’t respond, you pass them a book—one of Herschel’s mystery novels that you never really enjoyed because such novels were a luxury of the rich. It’s not much, but it should beat sitting in this cell doing nothing until the possibility of returning them or taking them in presents itself.

As you leave, a messenger approaches you, saying they have a letter from Commander Hange. Taking it, you find out that the Garrison, under Pixis’ command, has taken the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers into custody. They want you to meet them in Jinae. 

You struggle with mounting Guinevere, but if Erwin could do it, then so can you. It’s probably just nerves, you’re just in your head too much. Thinking about the arm currently in a sling, about the hole that’s in your shoulder.

Once in Jinae, you find Hange easily. You dismount and follow them inside a small house.

“What the fuck do you mean they’ve arrested the Volunteers?” you say, ignoring the usual pleasantries.

“Hello to you, too,” Hange greets with a strained smile. “Pixis had them detained because we don’t know how involved they were in the Yeager’s plans. I heard you haven’t been able to use your abilities since you were shot. Is that true?”

“Yes. I’m not sure why, but whenever I try, I have this indescribable pain that comes from my wound. I’ve tried pushing past it to see if I still can, but when I do, the pain only grows and I end up passing out. Why do you ask?”

“I was hoping that at the very least we would be able to exonerate the veterans, but if it’s too much then we’ll find another way.”

“Please tell me that Floch is at least receiving disciplinary action for insubordination. He blatantly disobeyed Jean’s orders. He and the other recruits.”

“We’re investigating the matter.”

You click your tongue against your teeth in displeasure. They laugh and compare you to Levi. “Hange, something’s happening here, to us. I may not be able to See, but I _can_ still use my intuition. And it’s telling me that we’re on the brink of a civil war. Not just in the military, but…” 

Your eyes scan outside the window, watching as civilians are bickering with each other, angrily pointing to the newspaper, which has been offering endless praises to Eren Yeager while bashing the military. 

They sigh through their nose and rub their temples. “This is one hell of a situation we’re in.”

“Yeah, it is,” you mumble, rubbing your face with your left hand. “Hange?”

“Hm?”

“I want to talk to you about possibly placing Gabi Braun and Falco Grice in my custody until we can return them to their families. I _know_ that we’re under investigation ourselves, but after that, I want to have them in my custody.”

“Really? Even after you were shot?”

“Yes. She only did what I would have done had I known that it were three people infiltrating our borders nine years ago. At the very least, help me get them changed from MP custody to Garrison custody.”

“Still don’t trust the MPs?”

“Do you blame me?”

“No. I don’t know if we’ll be able to get them into your custody any time soon, but I’ll see what we can do to get them into Garrison custody.”

“Thank you, Hange. I appreciate it.”

They lean back in their chair and tilt their head up to the ceiling.

“Never thought being Commander would look like this, eh?”

A dry chuckle ripples through them. “Are you kidding? I’m still mad that Erwin chose _me_. Why me?”

“He knew what he was doing. Trust me,” you say, offering a shrewd smirk. Their head snaps back down, eye wide. “ _I_ would know.”

The laugh that leaves them this time is genuine. “That’s true—you would. And I do. Trust you.”

“That’s good because I’d be lost if you didn’t,” you say as you stand, getting ready to make tea. 

“I need more people that I can trust.”

“We all do,” you hum, filling the kettle with water.

“I finished reading your reports along with the collection of letters that you sent while in Marley.” When you don’t answer, they continue. “I want to make you Captain.”

You’re glad that you already put the kettle on the stovetop because you would have definitely dropped it. 

“I’m sorry?”

“Nope. I’ve decided. I’m making you Captain.”

“Hange, I haven’t even made Squad Leader.”

“You haven’t, but you _have_ repeatedly led squads during missions, conducted a reconnaissance mission essentially by yourself for eight months, and trained your old squad enough to be able to save not just Sasha, but you, too. I’ll be submitting the paperwork when I return to Trost.”

“Do I get a say?”

“No. If Erwin gets to unilaterally assign his next commander, I get to unilaterally assign my new captain. Plus,” they trill, “it’ll be easier for you to argue for custody of those kids if you’re a captain.”

“AGH! Hange! Dammit!”

“I take that as a ‘yes.’”

“Fuck you _and_ Erwin,” you grumble, leaning against the countertop while glaring at them.

“I’ll let that slide, but only because I know you loved us both.”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t push it, Hange.”

* * *

#### Three Weeks After Returning From Marley - Trost

You don’t even dream anymore. What little sleep you _do_ get is interrupted and often leads to panic attacks. You don’t feel rested, at all, and you feel increasingly anxious, ominous. It’s still three hours till daybreak.

Your promotion “ceremony” was yesterday, making your status official. The Garrison has accepted custody of Gabi and Falco, and thanks to Pixis and Hange’s arguments, the remaining commanders and Zackly are debating putting them into your custody. 

Today’s a busy day. You’re set to visit them, as you have been every other day, go visit Eren with Hange, approve the supplies being delivered by your supply team, meet with Armin for another check-up, and visit Onyankopon. 

Niccolo’s will not open for another hour, but he knows to expect you on days when you see the kids. In the meantime, you figure you’ll go for a run. At least you can do _this_ while your arm is still in the sling. 

The cool air is refreshing against your exposed skin, gently biting against your nose and ears. It’s still nothing compared to the air outside of the Walls, but significantly better than in Liberio.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

What a fucked situation you’re in now.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

What the _fuck_ was Eren thinking when he decided to attack?

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

When is Marley going to retaliate? How will Reiner react?

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Knowing that the surviving dignitaries would have immediately informed their home countries, there would be a worldwide response. But how long would it be until they are able to gather and decide to act?

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Fuck. 

❦

“Good morning. Here for the usual?” Niccolo asks as you enter the kitchen.

“Yep! Have the Braus family decided when they’ll be visiting yet?”

“They did. They want to stop by this Friday,” he informs you as he mixes batter. “Will you be joining them?”

“This Friday? No. I have meetings with the brass all day. You wanna visit Sasha with me tomorrow afternoon?”

“Yeah. I’ll get Griez to cover for me.”

“So,” you drawl. He looks up at you with a curious expression, flipping the pancakes. “You and Sasha?” You try to hide your smile at his blush. 

“She just helped me realize what it means to be free. She taught me that I can make people happy with my food,” he mumbles.

“It’s true,” you shrug. “Even the kids love it when they hate everything else on this island. Y’know… it wouldn’t be the end of the world if you _did_ feel anything for her.”

He ignores your last statement, though his blush deepens. Instead, he focuses on the first part. “Kids? Is that who this is for?”

“Yeah. Who’d you think I was ordering this food for?”

“I dunno!” he exclaims, almost defensively. “Maybe it was for Levi?”

“Ah. No, he’s… on a mission. These are for… other kids.” No one should really know that they’re here outside of the military, nor do you know how he’ll react to know that the food he’s finishing up now is for the child who was going to kill Sasha.

“Oh. You two looking to adopt?”

“I, uh, possibly.”

He smiles as he packages the food to retain its heat. You thank him after paying and remind him to send you the bill for the Braus family on Friday. Carefully organizing the boxes in your saddlebag, you get onto Guinevere with more confidence. 

Arriving, you’re surprised to see Fugo watching them. 

“Fugo! It’s good to see you,” you smile. It’s been about nine years since you saw this man, just before Wall Maria fell.

“Is that—it is! Hey, kiddo! How’s it going?” He asks, extending his arms. You lean in with your left, making sure he avoids touching your right arm.

“It’s Captain Kiddo now,” you tease. He’s the last survivor of your father’s men. “I’m here to visit with the children.”

“The children? Oh. You mean the Marleyans.”

“That I do. I’m the one in charge of making sure their accommodations meet standards.”

“Whose standards?”

“Obviously not mine, or they wouldn’t be kept here.”

He grunts but lets you through.

Both of them are in the process of waking up while you get the food out and start setting it up on dishes. Falco comes forward and takes the plate you offer. He gives you a quiet thank you and your heart breaks at these conditions.

Gabi is still reluctant to accept anything from you, but her grumbling stomach wins out. She still largely avoids talking to you, other than claiming that you’re a devil and that she’s a good Eldian and you’ve ruined decades of hard work to prove to the world otherwise. You always point out that Reiner is “a good Eldian” and “an Honorary Marleyan” and still is confined to live within the Internment Zone, that he will never be anything to the world other than a threat, a devil, regardless of where he was born. She never has a rebuttal and spends the rest of your visits in silence.

Falco’s… still curious as to why you saved him, why you visit. Why you bring them food and books.

“I still want peace. I told Porco and Pieck this the last time I saw them—all I want for you is to live out the rest of your days in peace. I mean it. I know you two don’t trust me, nor would it be reasonable for me to expect that from you. But nonetheless, I am fighting for both of you, and I am fighting to get you two back home.”

“How?” 

“I already told you both that I started working with Reiner. When they arrive, which I’m certain they will, I’ll do my utmost to get in contact with him to guarantee your safe return. In the meantime, I’ve been arguing against using either of you as collateral, increasing the chances that I’ll be able to successfully _get_ you to Reiner.”

“And they just _listen_ to you?” Gabi asks skeptically. 

“They do. I’m a Captain for the most important branch in the military. On top of that, I have proven my penchant for the truth. You keep saying that it’s impossible for us to have not known about the thousands of years of Eldian aggression, but King Fritz wiped it from our memories. I helped find that information out and bring it to light, but I can guarantee that no one on this island was aware of our history until four years ago. My family curse also makes it so that I can act as a truth detector of sorts.”

“What else can you do?” Falco queries, a subtle sparkle appearing in his eyes.

“I see the past and future of any given Eldian through touch. I sometimes dream of future events, such as the first time I met you, Falco, or knowing that you would end up on the airship, Gabi. I can also show people my own memories, including visions once I see them. On top of that, Pure Titans avoid me and my instincts give me an edge in a fight.”

“But… our studies said that Verites are only able to see the past and future. Was all of it a lie?”

“That, I cannot say. When I spoke with Willy Tybur, he mentioned that there’s something special about Verite women, but even that knowledge has been stripped from me.”

“Oh.”

Judging from the light outside, you should be heading back to Trost to meet Hange. 

“I need to get going. I have a titan whose ass I need to kick for his treason,” you say through a snarl. Their eyes widen a bit at your distaste for Eren. “It’s not that surprising when you realize that the Eldians in Liberio and the Eldians here are the same. Regardless, I’ll be back in two days’ time. Please believe that I’m fighting for you two every day.” 

You leave today’s book just on the inside of the cell and take their dishes when they offer them. As you turn, you think you see a brick in the wall that’s misplaced, but you ignore it in favor of being on time. Fugo gives you a weird look, but you wave him off. He’s technically your subordinate given your role in their imprisonment, but you want to respect his role as their actual caretaker today. 

Mounting Guinevere, you make your way into the city. It’s… crowded. Much more crowded than you thought it would be. You hitch her closer to your grandfather’s house than the military HQ in the city, not trusting them to not hurt her. As you walk closer to the designated space in which you are supposed to meet Hange, the yelling becomes more prominent.

“A forced evacuation of all residents in Shiganshina District?!”

“Wasn’t it the Corps who made Reeve’s Company responsible for reconstruction?!”

“Is there any truth to the rumors that all of the Volunteers have been arrested?!”

“What about the reports that Eren Yeager, the man responsible for Eldia’s victory, is in prison?”

“This is tyrannical!”

Holy fuck. There’s Hange.

“What the fuck is this?” you ask as you approach them.

“What I want to know is who leaked this,” they grumble. “Come on. We need to get going.”

As you two try to approach the gates, the crowd closes in on you, pushing you, pulling you, disregarding your shoulder. Needing them to back away, each time someone touches exposed skin—and at this point, you’ve rolled up your sleeve—you intentionally trigger your ability. The pain is worth a little space if that’s what it takes. 

“Well, Hange?! You need to explain!”

The two of you nearly make it to the gate when Peaure blocks the entrance. 

“Four years ago, the Survey Corps brought the truth to the people inside the Walls! You showed us that our real enemies are the people in foreign lands and that the titans are _us!!_ Yet Yeager’s victory has given us a future! Eldians now have a future where we can survive! That means the relationship between him and the Survey Corps matters to all Eldians!”

You stop as Hange tries to push through.

“I was working undercover in Marley for eight months to come to a peaceful solution. I met with their leader, who nearly agreed to peaceable terms. It was Eren’s actions that stopped that. Eren’s actions in Marley that day resulted in the murders of a number of international dignitaries, all of whom are working together to retaliate. How is _that_ a victory for Eldia?”

He sputters and you push him out of the way. Hange opens the gate and closes it after you step through. 

“Everything that we do _is_ for the Eldian people.”

Upon entering the courthouse, you are met by Floch, Louise, Wim, and Holger. 

“You were wondering?” you ask. “These are the traitors.”

As you near, Hange pulls up a chair to address them. Mikasa, Armin, Jean, and Connie gather behind them. Floch eyes you with open contempt, the bruises from your altercation still present on his face. 

“You keep looking at me like that, I’m liable to break your other cheekbone.”

He looks away until Hange asks why he leaked the information to the press. 

“Because Eren ought to be freed. We haven’t done anything wrong. Only what we needed to. We’ve faced countless, colossal enemies and grasped victory. That victory is the overwhelming power of the titans to shake the earth. It secures our right to live. Eren saved the lives of every citizen of the new Eldian Empire.”

You snort. “Victory? You just guaranteed that our enemies will attack us, most likely with an aerial assault because they know that the Rumbling is a possibility. You murdered innocents terrified of us for historical instances of that very attack. If it weren’t for you and Eren acting independently, treasonously, we would have had a chance to survive. But I appreciate you letting me know what Eren plans to do with Zeke.”

Hange glances at you and you nod. If he hadn’t mentioned the Rumbling, you still wouldn’t be certain. But you know. _This_ is what Eren has planned. He wants to kill all those standing in the way of Eldia’s freedom, existence. He never was one for peace.

“Do your actions _not_ endanger our right to live?” Hange asks.

“It does if we _can’t_ shake the earth. We never could have survived without power in the first place. Not on this tiny island.”

“There’s no guarantee that this weapon will work as you think it will. To be frank, it’s nothing more than a story someone told you.”

_that’s not true, and they know it._

“Only because you’re keeping Eren locked up in a cage,” he growls. “Can we really afford to waste time like this? Our great victory will be for naught at this rate—”

“That wasn’t a victory. That was a loss, a tantrum.”

“Regardless, I can’t allow any further insubordination. You will all be prosecuted for the crime of leaking information about Eren. You will be placed in disciplinary detention,” Hange says.

“Sir. I suggest that we place them within the detention centers in Ehrmic, led by a team of men of my choosing.” 

“Very well. While we determine which men will go, they’ll need to stay here,” they nod as Jean and the other veterans lead the traitors away. 

Xenophobic genocidal assholes.

“I’m tired. How did Erwin do this?” Hange asks as the room empties. 

“To be fair, Hange, I doubt Erwin would know just what to do in this situation,” you try to comfort them. “It’s not just a story, Hange.”

“I know.” 

“That’s what Eren is planning. Not just a demonstration, but the full Rumbling. I doubt that’s what Zeke has planned. The thing is, we have to determine who Ymir is going to listen to—the Founding Titan or someone of royal lineage. I’m fearful that it’s the former, though the latter isn’t much better if I had to guess. He’s too cavalier with our lives.”

“Given the last times he used the Founding Titan’s abilities, I have to believe that it’s the will of Eren that will win out.”

“I concur. I’m still not certain why she listened to us when he asked to sterilize me, whether it was me or him, but I have to believe that you’re right.”

“Fuck. What do we do?!”

“I… I think we need to let someone else inherit the Founding Titan. Someone who hasn’t turned genocidal with a strong enough will to withstand Zeke’s will.”

They don’t respond, and they don’t need to. You’re both thinking of all of the soldiers, all of the civilians whose lives were lost to protect Eren, to put everything on him, and his ability to save you all. 

“Hange, there’s something else,” you say, remembering one of the first things you learned about while in Marley. “It’s about one of the Founding Titan’s abilities.”

❦

The talk with Eren is unproductive. He’s openly hostile, upset by _your_ presence (and promotion), and openly doubtful of your insistence that you would have agreed to amenable terms with Willy Tybur had he not committed Treason. His eyes flash and you feel the hot warning of _danger_ when you question whether his true plan is to trigger the Rumbling in its entirety. It’s enough to confirm what you already knew. 

He reminds Hange of their previous conversation, of how he cannot be contained forever. It’s then that you decide it’s time to kill Zeke and transfer his power.

Once you two are alone, you confide in Hange that an alternative to having Eren being eaten is to have another soldier take on Zeke’s titan with the serums stolen by the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers. You ask if Hange can visit with Onyankopon in your stead as you’d like to visit with Levi to discuss the change in the plans. They agree, deciding to speak with Pixis, Dok, and Zackly as soon as their meeting is over in an hour. 

The two of you separate, and you try to find Armin. As you leave HQ, the crowd harasses you again, and after the first three people lay hands on you and pull away as if electrocuted, they get the picture. You’re not something to be messed with, and you’re getting used to the pain.

Armin’s with Mikasa, Jean, and Connie at your grandfather’s house, surprisingly—or perhaps unsurprisingly?

“Hey, Armin, I know our appointment is supposed to be later, but my schedule has changed and I was hoping we could do it now instead?”

He stands from the armchair he was lounging in and nods. “Of course.”

“Oh, do you have to leave?” Herschel asks. “You can use the bedroom if it’s nothing intrusive.”

He really doesn’t want you to leave. “Yeah, we can do it there.”

The two of you head upstairs and close the door behind you.

You remove your jacket and start to unbutton your blouse and you can’t help but chuckle at his flush. “Armin. You’ve seen me topless before. It’s fine.”

“Yeah, but that was when you were half-dead.”

“You’ve been doing this for three weeks! It’s not any different that we’re doing it here.”

His blush deepens, but he relents and starts the examination. “You finished the antibiotics, right?” He laughs at your eye-roll. “Okay, okay. I have to ask.” He pokes and prods your shoulder, has you test out your reflexes in your arm, the strength of your grasp. “You’re… healing a lot quicker than I thought you would be. Are the medical books wrong?”

Your brows furrow as you think about it. In all of the procedures you had done in Marley, the recovery time was consistent. As far as you knew, even Sasha’s recovery was standard for hip injuries. “No, I don’t think so…”

“What about that time in the Cadet Corps when you broke your wrist with Bertolt?”

“Oh, wow. That was a while ago. Uh… I’ll have to double-check, but I think I recovered quicker than they had expected.”

“Huh. I wonder if it’s because of your ancestry? Maybe to keep you alive longer?”

You scoff in disbelief. “Honestly? That wouldn’t surprise me.”

“The only thing that worries me is the reflexes in your hand. You’re not able to grip things as well as you used to, so I’d recommend focusing your physical therapy on that. But good news: you don’t have to wear the brace anymore.”

“Oh, thank fuck,” you breathe in relief as he starts to rewrap your bandages. “Do you know how Sasha’s doing?”

He sighs and you lift your arms so he can secure the bandages around your chest. “It’s hard to say right now, but she’s not able to walk on her own. I don’t know how bad the damage is to her nerves, and it’s a shame we don’t have the same resources as Marley to figure it out.”

“One day,” you murmur wistfully. You’re in the middle of buttoning up your blouse again when he says your name. “Hm?”

“Do you think… we’ll get out of this? What do you think will happen to Eren?”

“Confidentially, we’re in talks of transferring his titan to someone more cooperative.” His sad gasp pains you. “Hange is proposing a different idea instead.”

“What’s that?”

“We know with near certainty that he is going to trigger the full Rumbling, but he can’t do that if I’m not willing to go along with his plans. So we’re talking about instead transferring Zeke’s titan to someone, not of royal descent.”

“How do you know—?” When you look at him, his eyes are wide, fearful. 

“Floch. And Eren’s reaction when I asked him.”

He bows his head and you wrap your arms around him—even if your right arm is stiff. His arms hesitantly return the gesture. Nothing needs to be said. You already know the pain he’s in, being forced to kill those innocents, to play the same role as Bertolt nine years ago, being forced to consider the death of his best friend while the other desperately clings to the image of an Eren that never really existed. 

He lets go and wipes the tears that were forming away. “Thank you.”

“Always. Listen. I have something to ask of you, and unlike Erwin and Hange, I’ll honor your response.”

“Okay? What is it?”

“I want you to be my XO. Now that I’m a captain, I need to start building up my own squad. I want you to be on mine. I understand if you don’t want to, but think about it.”

He looks at you in shock, and you give him a soft smile and a gentle pat on the cheek. “I have to get going. I’ve got a ride ahead of me.”

❦

The supply team is preparing everything for the excursion, though you’re early. Once Luke comes with the food shipment, you check the manifest for any irregularities. 

“All of this seems to be alright,” you tell him. “Has anyone been following you?”

“No. We get some weird looks in the city, but no one follows us.”

“Good. I’m giving you firm orders: if _anyone_ follows you, especially military, shoot to kill then report to me. Everything is going to hell. I need to make sure that this isn’t one of them.”

“Are—are you certain?”

You like Luke. Despite not knowing much about him other than the fact that he was a captain in the Garrison, you have a begrudging trust for him. Same with the other two here, Thomas and Peters, soldiers who had served under Luke.

“Yes.” At your confirmation, he nods. “I’ve gotta go, but before I do… how do you guys feel about receiving medical training?”

“Sir?”

“I’m considering who I want for my squad. I like you three, but I’ll need my squad to be trained or at least willing to undergo training. Would you be interested?”

Thomas pipes up. “I received medical training shortly after I graduated, but I wouldn’t mind learning about the new advancements.”

“But why us?”

“You’re good soldiers with a good moral compass, which is rare nowadays. Plus, you questioned me when I gave questionable orders now, but I know you’ll follow through. Right?” Luke nods. “We’re in a tricky situation, but I need men who trust me but who feel comfortable enough to ask questions.”

“We do trust you. You’ve never given us any reason to doubt you.”

“So is that a yes?”

The three look at one another, then you. “Yes. It would be an honor.”

“Absolutely, sir.”

Peters gives a curt nod and you reply to the three of them with a satisfied smirk. “Good. I’ll start the paperwork and inform Commander Hange. Tomorrow meet me at the hospital with Sasha.”

“Sir!” They salute you with pleased smiles and you ride off towards the forest.

❦

You hear the shifts in the trees, the cocking of guns aimed at your approaching form. 

“Captain Verite with orders from Commander Hange,” you announce. 

“Captain?”

“You heard right, Varis!” 

You dismount, hitching Guinevere near the other horses. Hopefully the men are actually riding them, helping them get the exercise they need. You grab some of the books that Gabi and Falco had left for you to pick up in case Levi or any of the men are interested in something other than watching this asshole.

“Captain Levi’s at the center of camp with the monkey,” he shouts back.

You laugh at their disdain. Good. 

Making your way inward, you see the camp set up. Zeke’s sitting on a crate with a very worn book with Levi sitting across the fire from him. There are three soldiers standing behind Levi, two conversing with their rifles ready, the third sitting against the tent post. In the trees behind Zeke are three more soldiers with eyes steadily on Zeke.

Levi turns at the crackling of twigs under your feet and his face immediately contorts into an expression of confusion.

“I come bearing news and orders.”

Zeke turns at the sound of your voice, eyes dropping to the books in hand.

“Oh, good. You bring gifts. I was getting tired of reading the same book **six times in a row**.”

You shrug. “It’s up to Levi whether you get these.” Placing the books on another crate, you summon Levi to follow.

Once a good enough distance away, you start.

“Eren’s planning on triggering the Rumbling. Not in part, but in full. Hange and I both think that once he gets in contact with Zeke and is able to trigger the Founding Titan, his will is going to supersede Zeke’s, and we still don’t know whatever Zeke is planning.”

He clicks his tongue against his teeth as anger and disappointment rolls off him. 

“So we have two—well, three—options. The first is to transfer Eren’s titan to someone less… murder-y.” You relish in the snort that leaves him. “The second is to transfer Zeke’s titan to someone without royal lineage. This is what Hange and I favor.”

“And the third is to transfer both titans, right?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t like this.”

“Yeah, well, when we took Eren on four years ago we never knew he would spell the end for us in one way or another. We thought he would save us, but it’s not saving us if it comes at the expense of the rest of the world. Hange’s speaking with the military leaders now to get a hold of a serum. Meanwhile, Floch and three others are facing detention for insubordination. They released details of Eren’s imprisonment and it’s starting wide disarray in the public. Several civilians tried assaulting me. Good thing about my ability not working is that instead I can transfer my pain to others.”

“Shit. Any other good news?”

“Two things, actually. First, Hange appointed me as Captain. It’s official as of yesterday. I’m already assembling my squad.”

“Who?”

“I asked Armin if he wants to move up to XO, and Thomas, Luke, and Peters agreed. I want my team to have medical training and they’re all willing.”

“Hm. Varis mentioned some passing interest, saying he was impressed with how quickly your men responded to you and Sasha on the airship.”

“You like him, don’t you?”

“Tch. No.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to lie to me. If he’s interested, I’ll take him on after this mission is completed.”

“You trust him?”

“I trust you. If you like him, I can trust him.”

He smiles and pulls you in so he can kiss your forehead. “The second thing?”

“I don’t have to wear a brace anymore. Armin says that I’m healing faster than I should be, but I’ll take it. Something _big_ is coming. I need to be able to fight. The downside is that I have nerve damage.”

He offers you his hand, and you try to squeeze it as hard as possible. There’s a tough pinching in your wrist, but you hardly squeeze at all. Levi looks sad at the state of your hand, and you release his so you can try caressing his face with it.

“You still love me even though I’m broken?”

His eyes meet yours with a fervent passion before his right hand rests on your neck before pulling you in for an ardent kiss. “Always.”

“My men should be arriving shortly. Once Hange has the serum, I’ll be back, though we’ll need to figure out who is going to take on the curse.” 

“Why not one of those shit followers?”

“You aren’t worried that if we push it on one of them, soldiers who welcome wanton violence with open arms, they won’t turn it against us?”

“We could always take care of their limbs. They can’t transform if they’re too busy healing.”

You give him an unimpressed look while he shrugs in response. “Just a thought.”

The two of you walk back in an easy silence despite the weight of your discussion. Sure enough, your men are there when you arrive.

They call out to you in shock, not expecting to have found you. 

“I had orders to give,” you say simply.

“Varis. You mentioned wanting to learn more from the Captain, right?” Levi calls out as his men change their posts. 

“Yeah!”

“I’m putting together my squad. Once this is over, do you want to be a part of it?”

“You—you’d take me on?”

“Levi likes you. He doesn’t like anyone.”

“Y-yeah. That’d be great!”

“Good,” you say with a smile and a wink. “I’ll have Luke bring some of the medical texts for you to study while here.”

“Aw, no wine this time?”

_Uh?_

“What do you mean, ‘no wine’?”

“Some soldiers needed us to deliver wine to lesser Shiganshina.”

“I’m sorry, **_what?_** ”

“Sorry, Cap’n. We didn’t mean anything by it, honest,” one of the other Scouts says. “It’s jus’—the MPs get to drink it all the time and we deserve a treat, right?”

_danger_

“We’ll talk about this more tomorrow,” you address Thomas. Levi catches your eyes and shoots you a silent question. “How many of you partook?” The thick silence provides the answer you didn’t want to hear. Shit. “I won’t report this, but don’t do it again.”

You turn on your heel and leave for Guinevere. 

You understand why they took on the wine—best to prevent any others from _wanting_ to follow—and it doesn’t irk you that the men took it. What does bother you is that it is wine that goes to MPs only, especially when the MPs make up the larger contingent of military leadership. Why—?

Shit. You forgot to grab a bottle to investigate. You’ll do that once you return with the serum.

Once you cross back into Trost, you slow. It’s firmly sunset at this point and you’re starting to get hungry. Perhaps you’ll stop at Niccolo’s? No. Instead, you head to one of the pubs you used to frequent while in the Cadet Corps. As you hitch your horse, you feel a familiar tingling in the back of your neck, like you’re being watched.

As your eyes scan the cityscape, you see them. She’s wearing a cloak with the hood up, pretending to read a paper. You recognize those eyes, the dark hair that frames her face, the curve of her nose. You study your sketches of them each night.

You approach her slowly, palms up in an attempt to convey nonviolent intent. She doesn’t move, but she does lower the paper.

“It’s good to see you again, though I wish it were under different circumstances,” you say with a genial smile, trying to not arouse suspicion. “Might I buy you dinner?”

“Yes, I think dinner will do just fine,” she answers, clearly mirroring the need to talk. “Lead the way.”

The fluid manner in which Pieck stands communicates that she hasn’t returned to titan form since Liberio. All the same, you offer her your left arm. She accepts, and the two of you enter the pub.


	55. The Antecedent Pt. II **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I can't say what's_   
>  _moral and immoral,_   
>  _but neither can you._
> 
> _maybe the only moral acts_   
>  _are admitting you can't tell_   
>  _the difference when_   
>  _faced with bloodshed,_   
>  _and recognizing when you,_   
>  _yourself, are the bloodshed._   
> 
> 
> Marisa Crane 

The chatter of the pub is forcibly loud, the mood bordering manic between citizens happy about the “win” in Liberio versus the status of Eren’s imprisonment. It’s perfect in that no one will overhear the conversation you’re about to have. You order two plates of chicken rosemary and potatoes and sit with Pieck in the corner by the window.

“It’s been a minute, Pieck,” you greet.

“Indeed. Can I expect to be arrested?”

“Not by me, not by my orders. I meant what I told you and Porco on that roof.”

“Hm. The atmosphere here is… intriguing.”

“I’d like to say that they’re not reflective of my people, but that’d be dismissive of the reality that they’re fine with genocide. Even still, it’s no different than what I experienced in Marley.”

“Reiner had said something along the same lines. He’s the reason I’m here now.”

“I assume he’s told you everything?”

“He has. Both Zeke and Reiner downplayed the danger you pose when they returned.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. Neither of them really knew.”

“It is easy to underestimate you. Now,” she pauses as the food arrives, “to what do I owe this conversation?”

“I want the least amount of casualties as possible and I want to return Gabi and Falco to their families.”

“You have them?”

“I am personally overseeing the conditions of their imprisonment. Gabi managed to get aboard our airship and—”

“Reiner told us.”

“They’re imprisoned for her having shot me. I’ve been trying to place them in my custody to keep them safe, but the Survey Corps aren’t in the best position thanks to the Yeagers.”

“Yes. I can imagine. Tell me about what they’ve done.”

She eats while listening to you describe the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers—and you’re not the least bit surprised when she reveals that Yelena is actually a Marleyan obsessed with Zeke—and Zeke’s proposal. You describe your distrust of him, the growing agitation of Eren, the failed attempts at finding allies. Then how you convinced your government to allow a peaceful reconnaissance, how you spent months helping at the hospital, gathering information, meeting with Willy, and then the letter from Eren. The selfish decision that he made with no regard for anyone else or the efforts of your nation. How it was exactly what Zeke wanted and how Eren has no intention of following through with the former’s plan. You mention wanting to transfer Zeke’s power so that Eren won’t be able to utilize the power because _you_ won’t show him, and she tells you the information you’ve been missing.

The two of you finish eating and you pay the tab. As you’re leaving, Fugo runs into you. 

“Hey, Captain Kiddo. Who’s this?”

“Oh, an old friend. We were just catching up.”

“Huh,” he shrugs, and you and Pieck try pushing past him again. He grabs your right shoulder and you visibly wince in pain, but he doesn’t let you go. “Wait. Before you go—why are you so kind to those kids? After everything they did?”

Shrugging off his grip, you meet his defiant gaze with one of your own. “Because they deserve better. Because the curse of violence that plagues the Eldian people must end somewhere and fuck if it won’t end with me.”

“They want us dead. All o’ them across the sea and you just wanna tuck your tail and run?”

“There’s more than one way to fight. I’m certain my father tried to teach you that when you were under his charge, but if you need me to teach it to you again, I’ll be happy to oblige,” you say with a smile, sickly sweet and purely venomous. You lean in and tell him clearly, “If I find out that you did anything to those children that you see as ‘the Other’, I will personally drag you to Dot Pixis for insubordination.”

You turn and escort Pieck out of the pub. She laughs freely when you’re away from the crowds. “I think I like this side of you better. You really mean it, huh?”

Regarding her quickly while you keep moving forward, you smile. “I do. It’s something for me to keep fighting for. Something worthwhile.”

“Mm,” she hums, considering your words as the two of you stop at an intersection. “Perhaps...”

“Listen—I’m not certain what will happen, but I have this feeling that it’s all turning rotten soon. I want to get the kids out of here and to safety before that happens. They should be with their families. Would you guys be willing to work with me to make that happen?”

She starts at your question, your plea, before giving you a smile you hadn’t seen since that night at the pub. “Magath won’t be happy, but the Warriors will be willing to help.”

You allow relief to flood you for a moment. “Good. Where are you staying?” She tells you and you’re relieved that it’s one of the villages just on the other side of Wall Rose. “Meet me in Calaneth District tomorrow afternoon by the gates. I’ll have an update for you.” You pause in your retreat and give her one last glance. “Thank you, Pieck.”

* * *

#### The Following Day - Trost Military Hospital

The training is going well. Both Luke and Peters are eager to learn and ask plenty of questions. Thomas’ medical knowledge isn’t too bad, and when you receive a notice from Hange, he’s happy to take over and help them go over the basics. You won’t be able to get too much into the new technologies and procedures for a while, so in the meantime Thomas’ knowledge is great. Before you take off for Hange’s office, you tell them to meet you at the Calaneth HQ around 1600 hours.

You give two quick raps on Hange’s door before letting yourself in. They have paperwork everywhere and at least three different teacups scattered across the room. As they look up at you, you notice the stress they’re holding in their body. 

“Oh, hey. You came.”

“Hange. You’re my commander. Of course, I came.”

They laugh. “Okay, okay. I received your paperwork for Thomas, Luke, and Peters. I approved it, meaning they’re officially under your charge. Do you know who you want to be your second?”

“I want to promote Armin to XO, and I offered as such.”

“Hm. Okay,” they nod, fiddling their pen in their fingers. “Do you have the paperwork for him?”

“No, Hange. I want him to _choose_ the promotion. I don’t want to force him into it as you or Erwin did!”

A lopsided grin spreads across their face. “Oh, come on! You did great when Erwin promoted you, and you’ll do great now!” When you don’t relent, they release an exaggerated sigh. “Ugh, fiiine. I guess that works. Just make sure to get me the paperwork when he says yes.”

“ _If_ he says yes,” you say, allowing a smile of your own to form.

“Just so you know, he’s at the forefront of my list for successor.”

A jolt of shock courses through you, but as you digest this new information, it makes sense. Outside of Hange, _no one_ matches the keen strategic intellect. He’s incredibly passionate and careful of his comrades and considers every aspect of the plan. Since Erwin’s passing, he’s come more into his own as a trusted strategist. You honestly wanted to make him XO to give him the same opportunity for growth and development as a leader that was afforded to you four years ago. 

“He’d make a great commander.”

“I think he has great potential, yes, but I’m worried that the stress of this position may be too much for him,” they sigh.

“ _If_ that day comes and you don’t get to retire like Shadis, he won’t be handling his stress alone. He has the rest of us. I don’t plan on dying any time soon, nor do I plan on leaving his side.”

The smile they give you is so heartbreakingly sad it reminds you of Erwin during his last two weeks, and it triggers an emotional reaction in you that you are not currently equipped to deal with.

You loudly clear your throat in an attempt to push it down and decide to address the second point.

“One more thing, Hange.”

“Yes?” they ask, raising their eyebrows.

“Marley’s already here, at least in part.”

**_“What?!”_ **

“I ran into one of the Warriors yesterday evening,” you say, pressing a finger to your lips, urging them to remain quiet. “Pieck. The Cart Titan. I do not know the purpose of their mission just yet, but I willingly gave up information about Eren and Zeke’s previous actions. As a peace offering or at least an offering to convey nonviolent intent, I would like to release Gabi and Falco into their custody.”

“I… see,” they mutter, removing their glasses and massaging their temples. “It would behoove us to distance ourselves from the brothers, especially if, as you say, there’s a trail of evidence to indicate their backchanneling. It could open us up to negotiations, though it’s still a slim chance.”

“Indeed. But doing nothing to make amends, even slight ones, will do nothing to change how the world sees us. We have to take that first step towards peace because no one else will.”

“The thing is if we tell Zackly and the other commanders that they’re already here, they aren’t going to let us do this… Not without a drawn-out debate and dealing with their cowardice and skittishness.”

“So… you’re thinking it’s better to ask forgiveness than beg permission?”

“Something like that. Pixis still likes you, right?”

You snort. “Of course. I don’t see him as much anymore, but I do visit with his family regularly.”

“Good. And we can lean on Dok by using his children… appealing to the dad in him. Those two would be great allies in convincing Zackly this is for the best.”

“O...kay. I’ll let you figure out how to approach it. I’m ready to take full responsibility for whatever consequences this brings.”

“I appreciate that, but if we do this, it’s not just on you. In the meantime, I’ve managed to make some leeway with the issue of custody due to some hostility witnessed with the guards.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes. Apparently the day guard yesterday was being unduly harsh in his verbal interactions with them. The night guard had come in early and—” they started to flip through the papers on their desk “here. Why don’t you just read the incident report?”

You snatch the report from them and greedily read it, blood boiling. “Does Pixis have this?”

“Yes. I have a meeting with the brass in two hours.”

“Good. I have a couple appointments I intend to keep, but make sure to send my regards.”

They nod as you turn on your heel and leave.

❦

You call Niccolo away sooner than you had planned, but Griez takes over nonetheless. There’s a faint hum of concern that buzzes beneath your skin, but you don’t have the time today to pay it mind. The two of you enter the hospital with the soldiers giving dirty looks to Niccolo. 

“Do they do this often?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles, averting eye contact with the soldiers.

“I can get you an escort if you’d like. You deserve to be here and to visit her as much as anyone.”

He thinks about it but doesn’t say anything as you’re at Sasha’s door. 

Opening it, her face immediately brightens, eyes intent on Niccolo and not the food that you’re carrying. 

Yeah. This is good.

❦

Niccolo agrees to have an escort, and you tell him that you’ll assign Peters. All he’ll need to do is reach out on days when Peters will be in Trost. The two of you leave after only an hour as you have a certain Warrior to meet in Calaneth.

Guinevere easily takes the familiar path, enjoying the lack of traffic between the two cities. You see the old HQ and remember all the times you came and went from there, the anxiety, the ignorance, the innocence… It’s been years, and yet you still have post-traumatic episodes throughout Wall Rose territory. It’s still the worst in Shiganshina, but it’s manageable. 

Will any of you ever get to a point wherein you can feel that youthful hope for a better future again? 

As you approach the gates, you see Pieck… and Porco? Shit.

You dismount, bringing Guinevere to them. They notice you and you greet them like they are old friends—appearances are everything right now. 

“Come on! There’s something I want to show you, not too far from here.” 

They fall in step behind you and you can feel Porco’s glare on the back of your head. This is going to be fun. You lead them to a secluded little glade just outside of lesser Calaneth, about ten minutes away. No one comes here, making it a perfect place to relax away from people. Or have a very illegal conversation with enemies of the state.

You don’t bother hitching up Guinevere, instead allowing her to drink from the nearby stream.

“Hello, Porco. I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” you start.

“I wasn’t planning on being here,” he says, shifting his gaze from you to Pieck.

“I decided it was best to have a witness.”

You shrug. “That’s fair. I suppose Magath wouldn’t approve a candidate performing reconnaissance and Reiner’s too familiar.”

“Is he really?” Porco asks.

“He placed second in our graduating class. The first being an Ackerman, the third being me. People were pretty impressed.” He snorts at Paradis’ perception of Reiner. “Listen. Think what you will of him, the truth of it is that Reiner was a big brother to a lot of us. Of the three Warriors that came to Paradis, he was the one who had the greatest impact on the greatest number of people.”

“Right. Okay then, where’s Annie?”

You smile wryly at his question. “I am not at liberty to disclose that information, but she is safe. When it became apparent that she wasn’t going to win the fight, she crystallized herself, preventing Eren from eating her.”

His jaws clench at the mention of Eren, at the memory of their last fight. You had been too focused on keeping Falco alive to know how it ended, but the fact that Eren made it onto the airship told you that Porco had lost the fight. 

“If I get word of Annie coming out of the crystal, I will advocate for her as strongly as I am advocating for Gabi and Falco.”

“Why would you do that?” 

You pause for a moment, thinking about Bertolt and how you couldn’t help him, how you wished you could. “I couldn’t save Bertolt, but I can save her.” His eyes narrow while Pieck looks like she suddenly put together two difficult puzzle pieces. “Anyway. We aren’t here to discuss my… whatever. We’re here to talk about the kids, right?”

“That we are,” Pieck says as she backs away, deciding to sit on a boulder not too far away. “Do you have news?”

“I do. I should be able to retain guardianship over them within the week—though I’ll be pushing for immediate custody once I return. My commander and I want to release them to you as a potential first step towards fixing what that _fucking asshole_ has done.”

“You mean to tell me that you guys didn’t _want_ to do that?”

“Are you asking whether those two genocidal assholes are representative of our ultimate goal of independence and peace? No. We did not want to do that. They unilaterally decided to say ‘fuck you, we’re going to do what we want the rest of you be damned.’”

You shift your weight from one foot to the other as he considers what you’ve told him.

“Pock, she jumped in front of an explosive to save Falco, then she took out four of Magath’s men without killing them.”

You’re also here, talking to them in a clear act of treason. What justified this treason but not Floch’s? Or Eren’s? Shit. You should really stop moralizing. Who’s to say that their apparent nihilism is any better than your fervent existentialism, that their fatalism is any better than your belief in free will? Agh! 

Pinching the bridge of your nose proves fruitless in keeping the incoming migraine at bay. Ever since the apparent loss of your ability, they’ve increased in frequency. 

“Okay. What do you want?”

“Me? Or my government?”

“I don’t trust your government,” he scoffs. “I don’t really trust you either, but you didn’t need to go out of your way as you have been.”

You can’t really blame him there.

_“You are not here as a doctor in name only.”_

“I want for Eldians to be able to live in peace, and I want the world to stop being afraid of us. That’s… that’s all I want. I want the freedom to exist without fear.”

_ “When humanity is no longer hounded by the threat of titans, would you want to experience that with me? Freedom?” _

Why are you thinking about that now?

He nods and crosses his arms. “And what about the Yeagers?”

“I want Zeke dead. The ghosts of the comrades lost protecting Eren still haunt me, but that’s something I’ll have to overcome. What I _do_ know is that any royal that inherits the Founding Titan will wipe away the memories of ‘outside’ for any Eldian within the Walls, then do nothing as the rest of the world murders us. It is the First King’s Will, something thus far indisputable. It is only with the physical contact between the Founding Titan and a royal titan or myself that will unlock the inheritor’s ability to use the Founder.”

“Wait—you?” Pieck asks, leaning forward. “How do you know?”

“Ah, shit,” you grumble.

“What? Planned on keeping that a secret?” Porco taunts.

“It’s not that so much as it’s… personal. Four years ago, when the government learned more about my family, they realized my uncle hadn’t any heirs, and that I am, well, was, the only Verite who could. They planned to breed me, take my children and raise them in the military. Any evidence of me attempting to stop them would result in the executions of both my husband and I. So, not knowing what else to do, I went to Eren and he was able to use the power of the Founding Titan. I can no longer have children. I am proof of the alternative to a royal titan.”

“If that’s the case, then why attack Liberio?”

You swallow thickly. “Because I won’t play Eren’s game. I’ve had a feeling about him since the first encounter with the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers, and for him to use the power through me, _I_ have to be the one to decide to take him to the Coordinate. And Zeke has his own plans, something he still hasn’t disclosed to us, which means Eren could use Zeke for his selfish and destructive goals. They needed the opportunity to unite the two while giving cause for the world’s security forces to gather in one particular location.”

“I still can’t believe that Zeke would do this to us,” Porco mutters, seeming oddly vulnerable.

The nightmares of him you’ve had over the years flood your senses, the precise sensations of torture, of skin being removed from your body, of bones being—those sensations… the ones you feel when you try to use your power now. But why the association with those nightmares?

“Do either of you know what Zeke could possibly want to do with the power of the Founding Titan? ‘Cause that’s what this has all been about.”

They look at one another and you take the time to consider the best way to do this, the transfer of the children. Arguably, once they’re in your custody, you could have Porco and Pieck dress in Survey Corps gear, say that they’re acting under your orders to place the children in a safe house. Doing so would firmly brand you a traitor if caught, but maybe if you’re able to save those two children, give them the opportunity of a life outside of this bullshit, it could be worth it. 

As their gazes turn to you with no clear answer to your question, you resolve to talk to Hange about it before following through. 

“I need to meet my squad in the city. As soon as I get there, I’ll be twisting arms to make sure the kids are placed in my custody,” you inform them.

“And you expect to be successful?” Porco asks doubtfully.

“I can be persuasive,” you say through a devilish smile. At this point, you are known for being just as… friendly as Levi, but with the added ability to discern the truth from any potential dissidents. 

You let them know that you’ll be communicating further via postage in anticipation of any progress with your plan. At Porco’s concern, you call over Guinevere. Pulling your journal from her saddlebag, you write a hasty note that directly implicates you as a traitor to Paradis should you get caught.

You’re putting your trust in them, at the very least in their desire to see the children return home safely. Beyond that, well, you could only hope. 

Mounting Guinevere, you take off to make your way back to HQ. Your team is there, waiting, and you’re glad. In addition to needing them to be medically trained, you need them to be in top form. You have _no_ intention of letting them die, which demands their success in combat. 

Having come from the 103rd, they’re better trained for titan killing than human combat, but the past few years have required more efficient combat and firearms training. Their techniques are standard for the military, but you want better for them. While they understand the technicalities of your instructions, it’s difficult to truly show them in practice with one arm. 

Even though you don’t need the sling anymore, you shouldn’t push it. You know this. Intellectually. Consciously. But, uh, well, that doesn’t stop you from stepping in with Peters and commanding him to try to hit you. You had tried this years ago with Annie, and from Eren’s description of the titan fight between the two of them, she was able to successfully keep him at bay without either of her arms. Surely you could try, too.

Managing to block or dodge his blows, you describe what you’re doing and which muscle groups you’re using for the benefit of the three of them. Peters feels lucky and goes to kick your left side. You anticipate the kick, raise your right leg as you move in. Once his is extended, you firmly hold his thigh with your leg before leaning forward, slamming him into the ground, your momentum spinning you. 

A loud “OOF!” escapes him while Luke and Thomas look at you with wide eyes. 

“Well, guys? You wanna practice on each other, or do one of you wanna try hitting me?” 

They develop nervous smiles but rise to the challenge.

❦

Two hours later, you’re all worn out with new bruises littering your bodies. As you prepare to dismiss them for the day, you order Peters to coordinate with Niccolo a schedule in which the latter can visit Sasha in the hospital. You’re pleased with his response—a firm nod and a genuine promise for Niccolo’s wellbeing. 

A call of your name draws your attention away from the showers, and you’re surprised to see one of Hange’s escorts here without Hange.

“Yes? What is it?”

“The Braun and Grice children are missing,” she says as she pulls you into a semi-secluded hallway. “Bauer came in for his shift and found Koch unconscious under one of the cots. It looked like they hit him with a brick in a pillowcase. You had been granted custody, but they’re thinking of revoking it considering their crimes.”

“Shit,” you grumble. “Is there a search party for them?”

“No. No one wants to look for them because no one wants to save them. Pixis wants to, but he’s worried that his men will mutiny. Things are tense enough as they are, but you have permission to take your squad and search.”

“Of fucking course,” you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. “Thank you for the news. I’ll gather my men.”

Deciding to let your men finish showering before calling them back to you, you walk to Hange’s office here. They’re not in, probably still in Trost, but you need to write a letter and a semblance of privacy.

* * *

#### Six Hours Later - Trost

It’s past midnight. There are no signs of the kids, though you don’t trust anyone else to take part in the search. Well. No one that you can recruit in the immediate. Fuck.

You dismiss your squad because they’re needed by Hange tomorrow, but you keep searching. It isn’t until about two that you find anything—a torn yellow armband by the bank of a stream. It’s not too far from Dauper, giving you a place to start the search tomorrow. 

If they traveled from the Old Scout Headquarters to Dauper, they escaped this morning. What’s impressive is that they made it this far without having been caught. They’ll be needing to rest—something you need to do, too—but you know the direction they’re heading in. Fucking hell, kids.

You urge Guinevere to the nearby Scout fort, the one that had managed to be unscathed by Zeke’s first assault on Paradis. There’s only the minimal presence here, not quite recruits, but no genuine battle or combat experience. They give you an empty room on the bottom floor and you’re quick to fall asleep.

❦

_heat_

_**so much** _

_**heat** _

_it burns_

_blisters_

_you can’t breathe_

_looking down, you find yourself flying over a sea of fire, crimson lapping at your feet._

_**it boils** _

_your blood_

_all the liquid in your body_

_you’re_

_**i n c i n e r a t i n g** _

❦

You wake, your body hot. What? Your first dream…? 

Shaking your head to remove it from your mind, you feel childish. It wasn’t restful, but still better than nothing. As you leave the room, you notice the soldiers huddling together, shooting odd glances your way. You want to ask them what the fuck their deal is, but you don’t have time to waste on them. 

Instead of staying in this fucking fort any longer with them, you opt to eat the rations you have stored in Guinevere’s saddlebags while you return to Dauper. You don’t anticipate the search to bear much fruit if you’re being honest with yourself right now. There are 130 kilometers between Wall Rose and Wall Sina, not considering the time you’re going to have to spend interviewing villagers and townspeople to the northwest. Factor in Queen Historia’s foster program for providing housing to orphans and it’s going to take a lot of time. Time which they can use to get further from you. 

“Captain! _Captain!”_

Turning your head towards the voice, you see Luke pushing his brown mare to reach you.

“Luke? What are you doing here?”

“Commander Hange! It’s—they’re—they need you to return to Trost!”

You turn your head back in the direction of Dauper, hesitation clear in your stature.

“Don’t worry about it. Peters and Thomas are on their way to continue the search! Hange dismissed us today because they need you instead.”

“Shit,” you mutter in annoyance. “Okay. Fine. I saw evidence of their clothing near the stream that runs near the lake and Dauper. Start there. It seems they’re heading in the direction of Krovla.”

He nods, and when he asks, you provide him with their names and descriptions again. He promises to send word when they have anything to report. 

“What the hell, Hange?”

Upon making it to Trost, you’re disappointed to see the crowd of protestors still there. At this point, they know to make way for you. Peaure and Roy both try to get a comment out of you, something, _anything_ to explain the situation here, to give the military the opportunity to pull themselves out of the hole they’re in. 

Fucking hell. You need to deal with this migraine.

“I cannot speak to the particularities at this point in time, but please trust that everything we do is in the interest of the people. We will be transparent with our actions as soon as it is safe to do so.”

The blanket statement that Pixis urged each soldier entering and leaving the premises, but you had the same questions as Peaure at the moment. When is it going to be “safe” to become transparent? Will we ever get to that point, or will we stay in this state of emergency indefinitely?

Making your way to Hange’s office, you’re disturbed by the quiet murmurs of the resident soldiers, the suspicious glances they throw your way. Before you can knock, they call you in.

“Ah, good. They found you.”

Armin and Jean are standing in the office just in front of Hange’s desk, all three of them with varying degrees of discontent.

“What is this about? You know how important that search is.”

“Yelena has confessed to secretly meeting with Eren, orchestrated through Floch.”

You’re starting to forget what it’s like to exist _without_ a migraine.

“Of fucking course they did. So what’s the game plan?”

“Well, Mikasa and I want to see if Premier Zackly will allow us to speak with Eren, possibly figure out what he’s doing. We’re thinking he may be controlled by Zeke—”

“You’re _hoping_ ,” Jean interrupts. “You don’t want to have to transfer his titan to someone else if you can avoid it.”

So they suspect the same things as you and Hange, considering the same contingencies.

“Yes,” Armin says quietly.

“What about the rest of us?” you ask, eyes shifting between Jean and Hange.

“We are going to interview the Volunteers,” Hange states, pushing themselves up from their seated position. “We’ll be starting with Onyankopon.”

“But he’s in Stohess,” you complain. It’s the opposite fucking direction of where you need to be.

“I know. I know there are other things you’d rather be doing, but your involvement has been ordered by Premier Zackly and Commander Pixis. They need you to use your penchant for discerning the truth.”

Fuck. 

“We’ll be leaving in two hours for Stohess. That should be enough time to get the word out to your team,” Hange says, dismissing you Jean. He hesitates when he realizes you and Armin haven’t left but decides to leave and prepare for the trip.

You cast an uncertain glance to Armin, wanting to involve as few people as possible in your treason, but he speaks before you can.

“I wanted to formally accept the position as Executive Officer if it’s still on the table,” he states, becoming less confident as he takes in your surprised expression. You had _hoped_ he would accept, but you were also preparing yourself for him to refuse.

Hange’s cackle grabs both of your attention. They pull out a form from under a stack on their desk, pen in hand. “That’s fantastic! I already started the paperwork!”

“HANGE! Goddammit, I told you I’d respect his decision!”

“Like he would refuse!” they laugh, signing the bottom and pushing it at you for you to sign. “I’m going to be expediting it given the circumstances, but even still, it will most likely be a week.”

After you sign, you hand it back to them. “There’s still something else I need to discuss,” you inform them, drawing their attention to your serious demeanor.

You start outlining the details of the conversation you had with Porco and Pieck, the agreement that you had come to, and the tentative plan you had come up with to safely get Gabi and Falco through the Walls once you find them. Armin stays quiet, piecing together the details of your conversation to understand the whole of it all while Hange nods.

“Do you know their measurements?” 

“I remember most of them from previous examinations, yes.”

“Okay. Get to it, then,” they say, dismissing you.

Armin follows you as you make your way through HQ, finding the uniform sizes you’ll need. Do they know how to ride a horse? Do… do they even have horses to ride? Shit. Knowing that Pieck prefers skirts, you choose military dress for her, something that will help hide her improper dress. Even still, you pick a pair of pants just in case.

“What are you doing?” Armin whispers to you, leaning in to avoid being overheard.

“Trying to establish a bond of goodwill to undo Eren’s actions,” you tell him, keeping your eyes forward. “I didn’t tell you because this is an act of treason and I don’t want you involved when they find out.”

“I—thank you, but if you think this is the best path to nonviolence, I want to help.”

Ever the pacifist, ever the hopeful. 

You set the clothes down on the shelf and hug him to you.

“Thank you, Armin.” Upon releasing him, you pick up the clothes. “I can’t have you come with me, for the same reason I didn’t tell you before, but I do need you to communicate with Luke what’s going on.”

Outlining what the correspondence needs to say, you promise to meet with him near the gates. The two of you go your separate ways and within twenty minutes, you find yourself at the little house that they’re staying at. After a single knock, Porco opens the door. He stands aside, granting entrance. As soon as you’re inside, he shuts and locks the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“I need to leave and I don’t have time to waste,” you say, removing the bag slung across your shoulders. When you go to reposition it, your right hand loses its grip, causing it to fall. Porco picks it up and sets it on the table.

“Since when are you clumsy when sober?”

“Since I got shot and most likely have permanent nerve damage,” you respond coolly. You lean forward, unfastening the buckle, revealing the clothes inside. “These should fit, unless you’ve lost or gained weight since I took measurements back in May. Go get changed and I’ll make sure you’re up to code,” you tell Porco, who’s giving you a dirty look for giving him orders. You take out the military dress for Pieck. “I know you prefer wearing skirts, and so having you wear _this_ should help hide the fact that you’re not technically in uniform, though there are pants here if you’d like.”

She looks at you thoughtfully. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do this.”

“I disagree. If this can help our people avoid more bloodshed, then it is an absolute necessity that I do this.”

Something flashes behind her eyes, brightens them imperceptibly. She nods and takes the room after Porco exits. You immediately notice that he hasn’t bothered with the leather straps for his chest and abdomen. Walking over to adjust them, he flinches until he catches your frown.

“I’m not your enemy. Not unless you decide that I have to die,” you mumble as you fix the straps on him, moving his arms and turning him around like he’s a doll. The fingers on your right hands fumble and he takes over.

“Shit. Why are these so tight?” he grumbles in annoyance.

“Well, when you’re flying through cityscapes or forests, surrounded by titans trying to eat you, you don’t want your gear to be loose.”

He only responds with a small, “huh.”

You walk around him, making sure the harness is in position. Making your way back around, you reassess the entire uniform. It’s fine. Weird, seeing him in Paradis’ uniform, but fine.

“So what’s the deal with your husband?”

You quirk a brow at his question, deciding it’s fine. His uniform will be more obvious if it’s out of place than Pieck’s, given the length of the coat for military dress. 

“What about him?”

“Is he really as terrifying as everyone makes him out to be?”

The smirk that appears on your face won’t go away, even if you wanted it to. “More. In the time that _I’ve_ known him, he’s taken care of well over eighty pure titans. He doesn’t share his kills,” you inform him, your smirk turning into a wry smile. 

“You guys are _this_ behind on technology, but you would still go and fight pure titans? Are you guys insane?”

You shrug. “Well, I mean, those of us in the Survey Corps probably are. My commander knew he was going to die during that last battle against Zeke, Reiner, a-and Bertolt,” you swallow thickly at the memory of that day, “and he still came and fought till the end. About a hundred recruits knew they’d be riding to their deaths against Zeke, and they did it anyway. There isn’t a single Scout who wouldn’t have done the same. Shit, I was ready to die facing off against Bertolt’s titan.”

“What happened between you two?” Pieck asks, making you jump a little. You hadn’t heard her leave the bedroom.

You turn, rubbing the back of your neck. “I… Let’s just say that when Reiner didn’t tell you more about me, it was probably for the sake of Bertolt. It was he who told me everything about Marley in the moments before his death.” Clearing your throat, you push back the stirring emotions. “Anyway, Gabi and Falco attacked a guard and managed to escape. My trusted soldiers are currently searching for them near a village where I had found an armband. I’ve been summoned to a city in the interior to conduct interrogations otherwise I’d be searching. My second is delivering instructions for my men to bring them here when they’re found. Should anyone question you two, you are a part of my squad, ordered to maintain absolute discretion by Captain Verite. If they have a problem, tell them to find me, but you should be able to take them outside of the Walls and to Reiner and Colt.”

As you turn to leave, Porco leans forward and grabs your hand.

“Hey! Wait—”

fuck, it _fucking_ burns, burns like you’re being branded with a hot iron on your shoulder

_He’s standing on the ledge of a window, hand bleeding,_   
_waiting_   
_waiting._

_Anticipation and determination courses through his being as he maneuvers the window open, positioning himself inside. He tips his head up._

_At some signal that you can’t hear, he transforms_   
_white-hot,_   
_impossibly powerful._

_Bursting through the roof, he opens his mouth, Eren falling into his open maw, but your attention is drawn to Pieck, running, Gabi in her arms._

“What the **FUCK**?! Is it supposed to hurt?!”

He yanks his hand back like you’ve burned him, but he quickly catches you as you pass out from the pain.

❦

A constant shaking, mumbling. Gently tugging on the back of your consciousness, urging you forward, but you feel like you’re stuck in the marsh, sluggish and heavy.

“She isn’t waking, Pock. Leave her be. What was that?”

“I don’t know. It burned like a motherfucker, but I saw something? It didn’t make sense, but it looked like I was eating Eren Yeager?”

“Oh. Hm. Was it when we were in Liberio?”

“Uh, no. I didn’t recognize the place.”

The quiet words act as a helping hand, extended, offering, and you take it.

“—shina,” you cough, trying to tell them, but your voice sounds distant, kilometers away.

“Hm? Oh, she’s waking up.”

“It was Shiganshina,” you try again, louder, not as far away. “The future.”

“Is it usually that painful?” Porco asks, helping lift you up. You whimper in pain when his hand connects to your right shoulder, causing him to immediately pull his hand away. 

“Nn. No.” The words are still struggling along with the rest of your body. You try to open your eyes, but the minuscule light that cuts through the curtains is blinding, sending a sharp pain through your head. A small grunt leaves you and you raise your right arm to block out the sun. “I haven’t been able to See since I was shot.” Pushing yourself completely upwards, you see them watching with cautious eyes. “Each time I’ve tried since then, I’ve passed out from the pain before getting what I’m looking for. Sorry, Pock.”

“Tch. Not you, too,” he grumps. “Does that mean it happens? I eat Eren Yeager?”

“I don’t know. I can’t say. But he’s not someone to go down that easily. Regardless, I need to go. Just… be careful, okay?”

You struggle to stand, but you do. There’s not much time left, and you don’t want to arouse suspicion.

* * *

#### One Day Later - Stohess

Onyankopon started the meeting by expressing his hurt and frustration as he has each time you’ve visited. You can’t blame him—he worked, fought, laughed alongside all of you. He had easily become a part of your friend group, and it was painful to watch him be under suspicion. As Hange drills him about whether he knew of Yelena’s plans or what she’s been doing, everything is telling you to believe him.

It’s when he starts to note the paradox in Yelena’s behavior—her apparent eagerness to prove her loyalty by murdering any Marleyan loyalists versus her fervent demands to have her people employed—that something feels _off_.

“That’s the thing… When she’d been so careful to keep her head down for the sake of the Volunteers, it was in direct contradiction with what you’ve been telling us, Onyankopon. She had been so insistent that their rights be respected that she directly argued with the government. It doesn’t quite make sense,” Hange muses.

Hange jumps up from their chair, nearly knocking it back, and demands Onyankopon come with the two of you as they investigate something.

“I’m not sure I want to do this,” he says, visibly nervous by Hange’s disposition. 

“Han, if he doesn’t want to, we shouldn’t force him,” you argue.

“Nonsense! I’ll handle the details! Let’s go.” It’s an unequivocal order to both of you, despite either of your concerns about it. 

As the three of you make your way into the interior of the city, a massive explosion destroys the Stohess Military Headquarters. 

“Fuck!” Hange shouts, redirecting you three to the burning building.

“Our anger has reached them!”

“I’m joining the fight, too!

“So am I!!”

“Let us bring victory to the new Eldian Empire!!”

  
**“Dedicate your hearts!”**   


Your breath catches in your throat at their outrage, at their blatant calls for violence. These people, who have never before cared about the military, who never before cared about joining the fight, who had consistently rallied against baseless death? 

You share an anxious look with Onyankopon as you suggest entrance another way.

❦

“We believe a bomb was planted in Commander-in-Chief Zackly’s personal ‘custom chair.’ Four soldiers, including him, were lost in the attack,” reads Dok’s warrant officer. “The culprits and their goals are unknown.”

“He was with us all day, and the other Volunteers are under house arrest,” Hange explains, indicating towards Onyankopon. 

“Are there any other factions you can think of?”

“That chair—he said that the recruits had brought it,” Armin says, stupefied. 

“Recruits from where?” Dok asks, speaking for the first time through this meeting.

“They were Survey Corps.”

The audible collective gasp causes worry in you, understanding that they must believe that you are all guilty by association. You want to deny the relief you feel at the acknowledgment that the concern you felt during the Raid on Liberio is valid because this is a fucking horrible thing to be right about.

“Speaking of the Survey Corps—I’ve heard that some of its members are going to be punished for leaking information about Eren to the papers. It couldn’t be that—”

The doors are pushed open with considerable force as an MP bursts through.

“URGENT NEWS: Eren Yeager has escaped from his underground cell!! He used the power of his titan to instantly create an escape route before fleeing, and he sealed the hole to prevent anyone from coming after him!!”

Fucking hell!

Dok immediately commands all his officers to mobilize a search. Before they leave, you speak up.

“It won’t just be him, sir. It will be those four soldiers, too, his supporters. They were being held under the Trost HQ awaiting my approval of an escort to be detained in the interior,” you urge. His eyes fall on you and he gives a nod before the command for another team to find them.

Why hadn’t you dealt with that sooner? 

Shit!

Where would they be going?

❦

“Over a hundred soldiers, including Floch Forster, have disappeared from their cages, along with the guards looking after them. We believe that those soldiers both freed Eren and deserted in the process. They are surely responsible for the assassination as well. That’s bad news for us—this subversive, anti-military organization shall be known as the Yeagerists,” Dok announces to the Survey Corps veterans and squad leaders. “Commander, do you know their goal?”

“I suspect their only purpose now is to put Zeke and Eren in contact with one another. Then, they’ll remake the military and put Eren at the top. They assassinated the Commander-in-Chief only to show their resolve.”

You clear your throat and speak. “Sir. I have strong reason to believe that both Zeke Yeager and Eren Yeager have separate goals, with the latter most likely working towards initiating a full-scale Rumbling.”

“And why hasn’t this been made known before?!” the warrant officer yells at you.

“It was something that we had only discerned a couple of days ago. With everything that has happened, we haven’t had the opportunity to communicate it until now.”

He glares at you but relents, changing topics. “How were these Yeagerists able to organize themselves in such a short time? For them to fall in line behind Eren, a large number of soldiers must believe that Zeke has their backs.”

“They simply believe in Eren, who believes in Zeke. Meanwhile, we are responsible for the people’s reaction now. It was us in the military who were squandering time and putting Eldia’s lives at risk, making them believe that the Rumbling was the only way forward. It’s no surprise then that so many soldiers and citizens feel that way. Though, the final trigger was the leak of the military’s plan to transfer the Founding Titan to another person. It certainly wasn’t one of us.”

“And how can we be certain of that?”

“Because only myself and Captain Verite knew of the plan to begin with,” Hange responds. You feel Mikasa tense behind you and hear the quiet gasps from the rest of the veterans.

“Regardless, many of the Yeagerists are _from_ the Survey Corps. How will you take responsibility for that, Commander Hange?”

“I’ll accept any punishment, but to resign my commission would be the most irresponsible thing I could do right now. And it’s not like we know how many Yeagerists are still here, or which branch they’re in.”

“Yes, I may be looking at some right now,” the warrant officer leans forward. “I wouldn’t be surprised if one of you detonated a suicide bomb this very moment.”

This motherfucker.

“Roeg. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“How can they prove they won’t? Unless they prove themselves, there’s no way we can let the Survey Corps roam free.”

“Except that one of the only people who know the true location of Zeke Yeager is a member of that same group, and without proof that _you_ are not wasting everyone’s time to prevent the capture of the Yeagerists, they aren’t liable to share that information.”

Before he can retort, the doors open, and Pixis comes in.

“Enough,” he commands. “We have a visitor. This is no time to be bickering amongst ourselves. Hange—do we know how many soldiers are aware of Zeke’s location?”

“Levi and thirty soldiers he has with him, three more responsible for resupply and communication, and Captain Verite.”

Thanks.

“Then bring those three here. Nile, is the Queen’s residence secure?”

You had received word only an hour ago that your men had actually been tasked with helping move Sasha to Mitras for surgery upon returning—empty-handed—to the hospital. ~~Fuck, you need those kids to be safe.~~

“Only a select few know where it is, but I’ll check once more.”

“Eren’s first target will be someone who knows where Zeke is being held. Next, he’ll try to secure Queen Historia, who could act as a replacement for Zeke. Our first task will be to make sure that these two are absolutely protected.”

“YES, SIR!”

As the men leave, Pixis turns to you and Armin.

“Sir, I received word that the supply team is in the process of escorting Scout Sasha Braus to Mitras for surgery.”

He considers this. “Very well. I’ll have Anka and Gustav join them in the escort,” he orders, both of them saluting before leaving. “In addition to that, you would also be a target of interest given your ability and history of triggering the Founding Titan. Your security is just as paramount as the others. Armin—as someone with the power of the titans, your defenses must be stronger than ever.”

“Understood. And now that we’ve lost our Commander-in-Chief, the only one who can lead us at all is you, Commander Pixis. Do you have any plans going forward?”

He gives a heavy sigh before answering. “Yes. Let’s surrender to Eren. They’ve got us beat here.”

E-  
Excuse you?

“There’s nothing we can do about the enemies inside the military. Even if we did manage to smoke out every last one, imagine how much blood will have to be spilled. The thought alone is terrifying, not to mention the time we don’t have to conduct such interrogations. Many soldiers decided to desert the military because of our actions. _That_ is why we lost.”

“But! The Commander-in-Chief’s murderers—you’re just going to bow down to them?!” a soldier shouts in disbelief.

“I knew Zackly for a long time, and for him to have lived by a revolution to be defeated by a revolution, I think that’d bring him some kind of satisfaction. Most of all, I know the four who died wouldn’t have wanted their funerals to come at the cost of Eldia’s fall.”

“So—we’re just going to submit to the Yeager Brothers?” Dok asks.

“This is not submission. We negotiate with them by putting Zeke’s location on the table. They must realize that if they’re thinking of taking on the world someday, they shouldn’t be fighting us now. We’ll continue observing them because, like it or not, they hold Eldia’s survival in their hands.”

Or in their deaths. With the minimal groundwork you’ve been laying, their deaths would be another sign of goodwill, another sign that the Eldian government does not condone their actions.

As he dismisses the remaining men, he turns to Azumabito and urges her to leave. Hange and the remaining Scouts are hesitant to leave, especially as you, Armin, and Mikasa stay behind. While Mikasa speaks with Azumabito, Armin stays by your side to speak to Pixis.

“Sir, there is something I need to discuss with you. An act of treason on my behalf that I continue to perpetuate for the sake of a nonviolent solution to our current problem.”

His eyes widen, and he listens to everything you have to say.


	56. Beginning of the End **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ warning II: _
> 
> _no mercy_  
>  _ahead._  
> 
> 
> Amanda Lovelace 

* * *

#### Niccolo’s Restaurant - Trost

Griez greets the veterans with an unsure expression and your spine immediately tingles in warning. He notifies you to wait while he informs Niccolo, and the lot of you stand around awkwardly.

Hange wants to continue the investigation that the assassination interrupted, and given that Niccolo is on the friendliest of terms with you all, everyone figured to start the investigation here.

Just as you begin to nervously pace, Niccolo comes in by way of the kitchen.

“It’s you. But—why have you come? I’m with very important guests,” he hedges, looking oddly concerned.

“Yeah, that’s fine. You can go back to work—we just wanted to talk later.”

“Talk to me? But why?”

“About the detained volunteers. We’d like to ask you some questions,” Onyankopon explains. 

Niccolo anxiously accepts and sets you guys up in the saloon while he finishes entertaining his guests.

“Huh. Never knew about this room,” Hange observes. It’s nicer than the rest of the establishment, with higher quality tables and chairs and a large assortment of fine wines and liquor. 

Jean and Connie walk up to the alcohol, the latter commenting that the room must be for MPs.

“Hm? What’s this?” Jean asks as he picks up a wine bottle.

_warning_

The… wine. It’s the same—

“Apparently, only officers get to drink it, but still…”

“Jean,” you say, much quieter than you had intended.

“What’s that? Aren’t we Survey Corps Officers, too?” Connie chimes in.

“Guys—”

“Just a sip.”

Both you and Niccolo react violently to Jean opening the bottle, your body almost vibrating with augury.

“JEAN, NO!”

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT!”

“What?” Connie and Jean look at one another, then at you two. Niccolo snatches the bottle from Jean’s hands before he makes eye contact with him.

Before any of you can say anything, he turns on his heel and leaves with the bottle. 

“What the hell was that?” 

“I-uh,” you start, hands shaking. “There’s something wrong with the wine. I-I don’t know what, but we can’t drink it. No one should.”

Tears cloud your vision as the sudden adrenaline pulses through your system, overwhelming you. Fuck. _Fuck. **Fuck!**_ It… Why—? Was it no accident that your men were asked to transport wine? Are Levi’s men poisoned? Did Levi—?

They start speculating as to what it could be, whether _this_ is what Hange needs to pursue, while Onyankopon denies knowing about anything to do with the wine—only that it was on board and it seemed odd at the time.

There’s a loud crash in the main dining room and before you can think about it, you’re already out of the parlor and running to the room. 

“It was her. She’s the reason Sasha will never walk again.”

Gabi—?!

You push the doors open and find an unconscious Falco in Niccolo’s arms with Gabi kneeling on the ground. Both of their faces are bloody. Niccolo’s eyes flicker to you, and you realize that it’s the Braus family and their foster children. _That’s_ where they’ve been. 

The rest of the Survey Corps enter, trying to diffuse the situation, Niccolo’s rage. 

“Niccolo—don’t look at them. Look at me! Give _me_ the boy. _Please,”_ you beg.

“What—?! That’s the kid who shot you and Sasha!”

“What’s going on here?”

“What were you trying to do?!”

“Ignore them—give me the boy,” you say again. You want to reach for the gun holstered on your left thigh but to do so would put him at greater risk, so instead, you approach him with your arms raised in surrender. “Please. I’m a doctor. Just let me treat him.”

He looks like he wants to break, but when you take another step, he repositions Falco and brings up the chef’s knife in his other hand. 

At Gabi’s fractured objections Niccolo starts screaming about how Falco only got hurt because he had tried to protect Gabi, that _this_ was another irreparable consequence of her violence. How Sasha was someone who had saved him from the war by thoroughly enjoying the cooking, by being a good person, and now she was never going to walk again and how this land doesn’t have the technology to even try to fix that. 

Gabi screams that Sasha actually took the lives of her friends, how her attempted revenge was justified, how Niccolo’s a Marleyan soldier who has to rise above the island devils.

Mr. Braus comes up behind you and asks Niccolo to hand over the knife and Hange urges him not to do anything rash. 

“I raised Sasha a hunter. I taught her how to use a bow when she were little, and we’d go huntin’ in the forest ‘cause that’s how we lived. I knew the day’d come when we couldn’t keep livin’ that way, so I made Sasha leave the forest. Then the world got bigger and she became a soldier. She went off to attack other lands, shot people, got herself shot. We’re lucky that she didn’t die from it, but I thought that getting her outta the forest would mean somethin’. Turns out, the whole world’s a colossal forest where it’s still kill or be killed. We’ve gotta get children outta this forest, at the very least, else the same thing’s gonna happen again an’ again. _That’s_ our burden as adults.”

“Niccolo,” Mrs. Braus speaks up, “Let Ben go.”

Ben?

Regardless, he steps forward and you take Falco in your arms, cradling him to you like he weighs nothing. Jean and Connie grab ahold of Niccolo while you and Armin make to retreat. Mikasa checks in on Gabi. You pause when Niccolo calls your name. 

“Wash that kid’s mouth out for me. Some of the wine got in it,” he says, shame coating each word.

 _no._

You can’t even hear him explain why because you’re already hurrying him to the kitchen. You remove your jacket, realizing that the wine has probably soaked through. Your shirt, too. Shit. You’ll change when you get back to your horse. You remove his clothes before placing him in the industrial sink.

Shortly after, the rest of your team comes in to help.

“Who is this kid?” Jean asks, adding soap to the water.

“He’s—he’s one of the Warrior candidates, but only because his uncle was a member of the same restorationist movement that Eren’s dad was. He’s a sweet kid.”

“Wait. Is he the one you almost took a bullet for?”

“Yeah.”

_Danger_

**“Commander Hange!”** Onyankopon shouts from the dining room.

“What is it?” they ask, opening the door.

“Shit,” Jean mutters after having peeked around the corner. “Floch’s here.”

“Go—go out there. I’ll finish up here.”

You pull Falco out of the sink and dry him using some of Niccolo’s clean towels. Rummaging through the cabinets reveals a spare uniform that looks small enough that it should fit… somewhat.

“Falco, honey, I need you to wake up,” you say as you bandage his head, grateful for the first aid kit that you keep on you at all times. “Falco, please. The Warriors are here on the island and I’m trying to get you to them.”

You hear Floch call your name, demanding you come out of the kitchen. Shit. You leave Falco propped up, hoping—but knowing better—that they won’t come in, won’t see him.

“There you are,” he announces, eyes glinting. There are at least a dozen Yeagerists, all armed with rifles, his trained on you. That little buzzing spikes and you notice his finger ready to pull the trigger. 

“Careful, Forster, or you won’t find out where Zeke is,” you say, surprisingly calm.

“Why would _you_ know? The Commander is the one who should know.”

“You forget that I’m good for other things than just kicking your ass. I’m not called the Oracle for naught.” The cockiness you’re exuding is in your voice alone. “You want to know what I’ve seen in store for Eren? Death and failure.”

He marches forward and hits you with the butt of the rifle and you laugh. It was a dream, a flash of nothing that had coincided with the timing of Sasha’s premonition. Nothing about it felt real—how could it? A giant monster with spears sticking out of its spine and ribs, titans dancing between each spine, a massive flying bird-like titan, and an explosion so massive that it was felt kilometers away. How could any of that be real? You don’t believe it, but you can’t help but poke him, prod him, egging him on towards your death to deprive them of what they need. 

“Floch—we’re not trying to oppose you. Didn’t you get the proposal from the military?” Hange says to distract him from your sniggering form.

“We did. We declined. We don’t negotiate with the military,” he says with a sneer, turning his attention to Hange.

“Why?”

“It was Eren’s decision. Commander Pixis would never risk leaving the fate of the island in _our_ hands. He’s probably scurrying around right now, trying to come up with a way to steal the Founder from Eren while he leads us on a wild goose chase.”

❦

_“Sir, there is something I need to discuss with you. An act of treason on my behalf that I continue to perpetuate for the sake of a nonviolent solution to our current problem.”_

_“Go on,” he encourages with wide eyes._

_“I have started talks with Marley’s elite Warrior Unit in hopes of building a rapport of trust and goodwill.”_

_“How long has this been going on?”_

_“This week. I noticed one of them performing reconnaissance in Trost and engaged her in conversation. During the conversation, I informed her of Zeke and Yelena’s actions over the past four years, our quest for a peaceful existence, and the meaning behind my mission in Marley. I made it clear that Eren was acting on his own, separate from military order, and essentially forced us into action. I made plans to release the two Marleyan children into their custody as a sign of social conscience to encourage an opening of dialogue between us and the nations of the world.”_

_“And you did this on your own?”_

_“I did. While in Marley, I was found out by Reiner Braun once I was appointed physician over the Warriors. He made it clear to me that he understands both sides of this conflict and wants the same thing as me.”_

_“And what do you want?” he asks carefully, assessing you as a traitor._

_“Peace. I want Eldians, regardless of location, to be free to exist outside of fear. I want for the world to stop having a reason to be fearful of us, any more than they have reason to be fearful of their neighbor.”_

_“Hm. And so you came to an agreement with Mr. Braun?”_

_“I did. As both of us are uniquely aware of the perspective of the other while being in a position of sorts to help push for peace, we agreed to help do just that. Just as Eren acted unilaterally, so did I. I accept any punishment for my insubordination and treason, but I beg of you to allow me to continue with these attempts at peaceful resolution, sir,” you say, offering a salute._

_“I see. So our enemy is already at our doorstep, and you kept that information from us.”_

_“That’s not entirely true, sir. She told me and I’ve been helping her in her quest for nonviolence.”_

_“You, too, Arlert?”_

_“Yes. Through the eyes of the world, we have nothing left to sacrifice, no humanity left in us. They expect the truly horrific from us, which means that to prove them wrong, we must try another option, a_ humane _option. To resort to violence is to prove them right, to prove that we are still the monsters they believe us to be. I am prepared to fight when necessary, but it is irresponsible to ignore other options.”_

_“I see. And it would be irresponsible to arrest the two of you for treason now.”_

_“Sir?” you ask, feeling dangerously close to hopeful._

_“Have I ever told you about how before titans took over the land, humans were constantly murdering each other over tribal disputes and ideologies? No? I haven’t? Well, then. During those times, some wise man or other is reputed to have said, and forgive me for paraphrasing, ‘humanity required an enemy greater than itself just to survive.’ Perhaps the Yeager brothers are the greater enemy that humanity needed. It seems that you two understand this clearly in your efforts to work with the enemy.”_

❦

“You’re delusional. Unless… that’s what your friends in the Garrison told you?”

“Do I look like one of your eager recruits who’s going to answer any question you ask me? Or shall I prove I don’t answer you?” Floch asks, handing his rifle to Louise so he can draw his handgun. He cocks it, removing the safety, and aims it at you.

You walk forward until the barrel is touching your chest, resting just above your heart. “If you’re going to shoot, shoot. But know that you’ll be losing what you want. There is no one else who knows where Zeke is unless you’d like to waste time searching?”

He looks shaken, unused to the fallacious fragment of power and the blatant disregard for your own life. Your own body is screaming at you, shouting, yelling, _begging_ you to be more careful, less flippant. 

As his finger tightens on the trigger, Hange speaks up, trying to distract him. “Listen to me, Floch! This is no time for us to be fighting one another! Wine contaminated with Zeke’s spinal fluid has been served throughout the military! Griez over there should have an idea of what’s going on here!”

“If anything, Niccolo is the delusional one here. He has no proof,” Griez says, unfeeling.

“Ha! You don’t know, truly, that much I can tell, but it’s true. Zeke Yeager and these motherfuckers plan on turning all of the MPs drinking this wine into pure titans. Are you ready to see the true horrors this island has to offer, Griez?” you taunt. 

“Finished?” Floch looks at you, trying to maintain some semblance of control. His faux derision doesn’t phase you, and it’s pissing him off ~~and _fuck_ if you’re not relishing in it.~~ “We’ll be tying your hands, or will we need to fire before you listen?”

❦

It’s only because of Eren that Floch believed you, though Hange was instructed to come, too, if only as collateral to keep you in line. It starts pouring hot summer rain as you ride towards the forest, and despite having your cape on, you keep the hood down. 

As you cross a cobbled bridge, you hear the small _boom!_ of a distant explosion and your heart stops. Levi, what’s happening to you?

“What was that?” Floch asks, and as another Yeagerist wonders if it’s lightning, you and Hange share a short glance. It’s a thunder spear explosion. You’ve both been around them long enough to know.

Floch, taking notice, decides to direct the team down the river to investigate. As you get closer to the impact site, your eyes ignore the blatant destruction and mayhem and the giant fucking titan of one of your old teammates because there, in the tall grass, face down is Levi. 

You’re aware of the shouting of the Yeagerists around, and before they can stop you—before you can stop yourself—you’re already off the horse they gave you and are running to Levi.

“Man down!!” Hange shouts for you.

You reach him, pull him from the water and roll him onto his back.

no no no nonononono please, fuck, please no!

His face is lacerated, bloody, with a long gash that sliced through his right eye down to his chin. Pieces of wood are stuck in his face, and, despite having years of medical experience, of treating wounds worse than this, you can’t do anything except sob, cradling him to you.

“I don’t know what happened here, but we got lucky. Our biggest threat, covered in his own blood.” You’re vaguely aware of the bullshit streaming from his mouth, but you won’t say what you want to. He’s not their biggest threat. You are. You’ll make it back into the Coordinate, somehow, and stop this.

“I’ll send a shot through his head,” another Yeagerist says and you hear the cocking of the gun.

“He’s dead! He’s dead, goddammit!”

“He must’ve been hit by a thunder spear at close range.”

Hange speaks up, kneeling near you. “I saw something similar in a training accident. It may not look it, but his organs are in shreds. He died immediately.”

“I know how to take a pulse. Let me see him,” Floch says, stepping closer. 

You wail louder, being careful in the appearance of holding him tighter, not wanting to agitate his injuries.

“FLOCH! Something’s strange about that titan!”

“Is it disappearing? Did it die?” he wonders. Hange responds, the scientist in them refusing to let the question go unanswered. 

The Yeagerists approach the shifting titan, the sickening sounds of organs sloshing around, skin opening and steam releasing. You glance at Hange and they nod. While they’re turned around, they pick up Levi and you take the gun that was holstered on his thigh. 

“Go,” you whisper, praying to gods you don’t believe in that the gun will still work.

They dive into the river with you covering them. There’s the obscure call for you two to be followed, and three Yeagerists on horseback try to pursue. They don’t have combat experience, don’t know how to fire a gun while on horseback, nor how to avoid running straight ahead. Your bullet nearly hits a horse, whizzing past its eye, causing the horse to startle. It bucks his rider, giving pause to the other two in pursuit.

The water, unlike the rain, is cold, but that should help slow the bleeding and reduce swelling. The two of you let the river carry you downstream until the forest gets closer to the riverbank. Catching yourself on a rock, Hange passes Levi to you before they try to get out of the river, too.

“HEY!” 

The distant shout calls your attention away, where there’s a Yeagerist approaching slowly. It’s Oliver, someone who had looked up to Eren but hadn’t been a part of the group surveying the explosion site. He dismounts, looking at you, at your mask of concern. Hange stays in the water, keeping low.

“It’s Muller! He’s down! His horse bucked him off and he landed in the river! Please, help me!” you shout. Levi’s face is so disfigured that he _could_ be confused for any soldier with dark hair. 

He pauses, knowing that outside of being terrifying to confront, you _do_ care about your patients. Dismounting, he approaches.

He doesn’t notice as you remove your belt buckle for the push knife you had custom-made. He gets closer as your fingers position themselves to hold onto the base. 

“Are you sure this is Muller? It doesn’t—” 

Your blade sinks through the stylohyoid and into the mylohyoid muscles before you slice his throat, making sure to hit the jugular veins. He grabs his neck with his left hand and tries to grab for you with his right, but you push him back easily and he falls into the damp grass. 

“For a doctor, you’re really good at killing,” Hange says, coming up from behind.

“Doctors know where all the important shit is, Hange. I’m going to get him into the forest. Can you grab his rifle and the horse’s saddlebags? There should be camping equipment in there, or, well, anything.”

They nod, securing the rifle on their back before making their way to the horse, unphased by his rider’s condition. Must not have taken care of the horse.

“Don’t you die on me, Levi. You fucking promised,” you grumble as you carry him into the forest.

You wait until Hange catches up and is able to lay out a blanket for him before placing him down. “Their campsite wasn’t too far from where we are now if you want to take a look for any gear. We’re probably going to be here for a while, and we need more to cover him with.”

“N-not yet. We should wait and see if anyone else approaches. I’ll take watch.”

“Okay, Han. Oliver had a medkit on him, so I’m going to get started. It…this is a really shitty situation we’re in, but we have each other, and we have that old Scout mentality. We’re used to losing, but we don’t know how to give up. That’s not gonna change despite the enormity of the challenge ahead.”

❦

The rifle goes off several times in the first hour, and by the second, they return to you.

“I hid the bodies and shooed the horses. Don’t need to go to their camp—their saddlebags have everything we need. How’s he doing?”

“He’s alive. I’ve managed to clean out and stitch his wounds. Dunno how, given my hand,” you mutter. “I don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to see out of his right eye, and he’s missing his index and middle fingers on his right hand, probably from holding his blade. But he’s alive. Fucking Ackerman genetics.”

“If it weren’t for those genetics, he wouldn’t have survived killing thirty titans,” they say as they begin to set up camp. You go through the saddlebags, taking inventory of the items they had. Rations, blankets, pillows, a fire kit, canteens… It’ll do. They disappear for a little bit, and you take the opportunity to cover Levi with a blanket and change. 

There’s a sound of something being dragged across the forest floor, and you immediately grab the rifle and aim towards the sound. Hange appears from behind a tree, dragging broken bits of a wagon to the camp. 

“For fuck’s sake, Hange! You could've said something,” you bemoan as you put the rifle down.

“Sorry. We can put him on this when it’s time to leave.”

“C’mon Hange. Sit down. I’ll get you some shitty rations.” Your chuckle is humorless, but so is theirs. They sit in front of the fire and you bring the food to them.

“What the fuck happened?” they ask, and you aren’t sure whether they want an answer. “We can’t stop them by ourselves… We have no choice but to leave it to Armin and Pixis. As long as the Yeagerists rule the island with spinal fluid, we’re going to be wanted for the rest of our lives.”

“That's not true, Hange. Well. Not our whole lives. Zeke can only trigger it, and he has less than a year left. We already know Marley’s forces are here, and there’s no way the Warriors won’t be gunning for him now.”

“Maybe. Hopefully,” they shrug. “Why don’t we just live here, the three of us? Stay here for the rest of our lives. It’ll be peaceful, right?”

You don’t give a verbal answer, but you sit next to them and put your hand on theirs. 

What a shitty fucking situation you’re in. Another thirty minutes pass in this morose silence before Hange stands and starts to put together the cart for Levi. You move next to him, rubbing small circles onto the skin of his hand. 

“I’m so sorry, Levi,” you start. “Things are royally fucked right now, but you’re still here, and the selfish part of me says ‘hang the world—all that matters is I have you.’ Hange wants the three of us to live in these woods forever, and I’m not entirely averse to it myself. I’m still holding onto that childish dream of mine, that one day we’ll have our own little house. It’ll be nice and clean and smell like you and me and tea. And you’ll have a tea shop and I’ll have a clinic. And we’ll have peace. Hang the world, so long as we have _that_.”

There’s a flash of pain that darts across your skin, sizzles into your gunshot wound, and you wince in pain, but—Levi. The eye that’s visible is glowing. Is—? Are they in the Coordinate? 

What the fuck?

As soon as it starts, it stops. Hange whips their head in your direction and you make eye contact. 

“Just now—was that? Don’t tell me that Eren… no. What was that?”

“I-I don’t know. I didn’t see whatever you did, but Levi’s—”

“Beast—”

Your eyes widen in surprise, turning back to Levi, who’s trying to sit up. 

“Piece of—shit,” he breathes, voice raspy and agitated.  “Where is he?”

“Levi, please lay back down,” you urge. His gaze falls on you and there’s the faintest hint of relief. He complies with your request as Hange approaches.

“Zeke was heading towards Shiganshina with the Yeagerists. It’s been about half a day. Did—did you see that, too?”

He grunts before lamenting his mistake in underestimating Zeke’s hatred of himself and of Levi. 

“You must be full of regret, but for now—”

“What’s left—if we run and hide… like this?” he asks Hange. Turning to you, he says, “‘Hang—the world,’... huh?”

“You heard us.”

He points to the cart Hange had been working on. “What shitty thing are you building?... Going to pull me with a horse—on that?”

“That’s the plan for now,” Hange affirms.

“There’s no way… you can be content while in the dark.”

“That’s right. I can’t,” Hange responds. 

“Then—we can’t… we can’t give up.”

You urge Hange and Levi to rest more, and while the former does so, gladly, the latter stays awake with you while you keep your ears open.

“I’m so sorry, Levi. I’m sorry.”

It’s like a mantra that won’t leave your mind, your consciousness. Even when you listen to Levi and stop, it echoes in your mind, reverberates in your skull. The shaking of the earth grows as the Colossal Titans march past. You’ve lost.

You’ve lost.

But that’s in your blood at this point. You don’t fucking give up—you keep fucking going. 

❦

Levi falls asleep again, and an hour passes before he and Hange both wake. They help you pack up camp, and when Levi tries to get up on his own, you chastise him so hard that he stays put. Finding a clean dress shirt, you help dress him, using the opportunity to examine your work.

The three of you eat shitty rations and you make sure the two of them drink plenty of water. Hange helps secure Levi on the make-shift cart and pushes it as you take up the rifle. Upon exiting the forest, you can see it—the massive sea of flaming red, thousands upon thousands of Colossal Titans. It’s hot, unbearably so, and you can only imagine that it’s worse the closer you get. 

Why? Why is he doing this?

“There,” Hange says, redirecting your attention. Pieck’s titan and Magath are standing not too far away. Your finger slips into position, ready to fire if necessary. You’re not sure what’s going through _his_ mind, but you know that Hange and Levi are in favor of your plan, of your alliance.

Magath’s holding his handgun, positioned just so, ready to fight if he has to. As the three of you approach, Pieck comes out of the nape of her titan, looking devastated.

Shit.

“My goal is to kill Zeke Yeager,” Levi announces. “Our interests align, Theo Magath, Pieck Finger.”

Magath’s eyes shift to each of the faces before him, settling on you. “Levi Ackerman. It seems you have the strength to stand against the Nine Titans, but how do you expect to dodge one of my bullets looking like that.”

You know he won’t shoot, but his words still cause a reaction in you, pushing you to take aim.

“No, but can you dodge one of mine?”

“Now, that’s not what my Warriors have been telling me this entire time.”

“You threaten my husband, that’s an entirely different situation,” you say. 

“Ah. I see,” he says, lowering the hand holding the gun.

You lower yours, slightly, while Levi speaks. “I can’t dodge any bullets, but I’m presenting myself to the enemy in this state nonetheless. My wife isn’t a big fan of violence, so I suggest you listen before you shoot.”

“Okay. Then we’ll listen before we shoot. You said you’d kill Zeke. Where is he now?”

“If I had to hazard a guess, he’s in the Coordinate. It looks like he lost the fight with Eren to decide who’s will gets heard,” you say.

Pieck hums in acknowledgment. “Have you seen this Founding Titan for yourself?”

“I know it’s unbelievably large and that it seems impossible to beat, meaning we just have to do this together. We have to combine forces.”

“What makes you think I’ll trust you?”

“Pieck, has Reiner shown him?”

“Yes. And I have the letter you gave me here,” she says, pulling out the folded paper from her pocket. She hands it to Magath, who looks it over.

“Not only have you seen the letter from Willy Tybur showing my intent of a peaceful resolution, but you also have proof of my being willing to incriminate myself to get Gabi and Falco back to their families. For my own safety, I had to operate within the shadows, but my intentions have always been clear and consistent. I never took you as one to stick to your prejudice over facts and a good opportunity, General.”

He clenches his jaw as his eyes flicker to you again. 

“We don’t really have a choice, do we?”

“No, sir. Not anymore. We’re going to need to work together to kill the Yeagers.”


	57. Reiner Pt. II **

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _the fuckery of the_   
>  _human condition is that_   
>  _there no longer_   
>  _is one._   
> 
> 
> Marisa Crane 

* * *

#### Three Weeks After the Attack on Liberio - Paradis - Reiner

He would much rather be the one to infiltrate the Walls again, to find Gabi, but Magath’s pissed at him for keeping his mouth shut about you. Even after seeing Willy Tybur’s letter of safe conduct, post-dated for when you arrived, even after Pieck had quasi-vouched for you.

Only he could vouch for how deadly you could be, how it was no accident that none of the men who came up against you didn’t die, how you only hit Magath in the knee and not in the head. Reiner still remembered the bruises you used to give him—you dislocated his right shoulder and broke his left arm during one particularly intense training session during the Cadet Corps once, though you didn’t know about it at the time because there was no way he would let you stop him from making top ten. 

Galliard had a hard time believing that Zeke betrayed them, or that you were from Paradis despite your having told him. He had started beating the shit out of Reiner after the latter revealed that he was aware of your allegiance. Again, it took Pieck remembering the encounter she had with you in Shiganshina to protect him. Because after everything, he still needed people to come to his rescue. 

After Magath had left the room, left what remains of the Warriors, Reiner told them everything. He had to trust that you could do this, do the impossible. You put your trust in him, in the _real_ him, and it was the first time in years that he actually felt _hope._ To accomplish this monumental task set before either of you, allies were needed. Everyone at that table, in that room, were the only allies he could put faith in. 

Eren’s attack on Liberio was absolutely devastating, but no Marleyan was going to believe that he acted alone, not with the way the Colossal Titan destroyed the port. Not with the way the Survey Corps had lit the residential areas on fire. No one but Pieck, Galliard, and Colt, only because of _you_.

You had only acted with the utmost professionalism, with compassion. It was easy for them to fall under your spell, under the guise—though he caught himself wondering whether it was a guise—that you cared for them, that you were one of them. When he found out that Falco had joined Gabi on the airship, he panicked, but only momentarily, because you already knew about one, and you wouldn’t let anything happen to the other. The ferocity of your promise still burned through Reiner. Whatever else happened, he had faith that you would care for those two and that you would bring them back. 

With the first correspondence from Pieck and Galliard, they proved Reiner right, made it easier for Colt to believe him, to breathe a little easier. Magath was still in fervent denial, but as far as he was concerned, you were the one who took out his knee. 

“What does this mean? They made contact with the _doctor?_ ” 

“...The Verite, sir,” Reiner responds, frustrated that he has to deal with the brunt of Magath’s attitude, though better him than any others. “She’s too central to operations for the Survey Corps. There’s no way that she wouldn’t have noticed either of them. It’s surprising it took this long, actually.”

“So what does that mean? She’s betraying them to help us? Or she’s setting them up?”

“I know her, sir, and she’s not setting them up. What she wants is peace for Eldia. That’s it.”

“Huh. I doubt that.”

“Regardless, Pieck reports that Zeke and Eren Yeager acted of their own accord, manipulating the Survey Corps into action, just as I told you. She said that it’s confirmed that Gabi and Falco are in military custody, but that the Verite is in charge of their care.” Colt sighs in relief at those words. For whatever it’s worth, Colt believes that you’ll do anything to make sure that Falco and Gabi are safe. Not that Reiner disagrees. “They’re meeting again tomorrow to finalize details for releasing the kids into our custody,” Reiner reads, a little surprised.

If you do this, and you’re caught, you’ll be killed for it. How many of your men will stand by your side? You have a knack for cultivating loyalty, but will it be enough to keep them safe while risking yourself?

“Well… we haven’t heard reports of their movements or of Eren Yeager’s whereabouts yet, so we’ll have to trust their judgment.”

Magath returns to the camp, hidden by trees and bushes, while Colt and Reiner stay in the shadows of the trees, looking towards the Walls.

He doesn’t like being here. He never wanted to come back here again. ~~He never wanted to leave.~~

“She’ll make good on her word, right?” Colt asks nervously, eyes intent on Reiner. He looks out of the corner of his eyes, takes in Colt’s anxious hope.

With a heavy sigh, Reiner responds. “She’ll die trying, but I believe so. She showed me something a couple months ago. A future with Annie, Pieck, Magath, and the kids at a campfire with my old team here. According to her, she can’t change anything that she Sees.”

Colt considers this, and some of the tension leaves him. Thinking back on it, what concerns Reiner is the distinct lack of Galliard, Colt, or you and Levi. It sets him on edge, despite knowing that Gabi and Falco will be alright because that could mean that the four of you die, and with the massive threat that are the Yeagers, losing four of the most competent soldiers they have is a pretty hefty disadvantage. And Reiner isn’t sure whether he should voice this to Colt, whether he should give him hope or the truth because God only knows that it’s one or the other at this point in time. 

“Why is she helping us?” he hears Colt whisper, more to himself than to Reiner.

How can he explain that you’re helping because you’re _you?_ Because you refuse to only see the bad in people, because you want to believe in people when people are generally selfish bastards. Because you’re dangerously idealistic and you wanted nothing more than to step foot outside of the Walls, free from the threat of titans?

“Because that’s who she is.”

A hell of a lot more good than Reiner could ever be.

❦

The following evening, they receive notice from Galliard.

Annie’s okay, crystallized, and you’ve foolishly dedicated yourself to protecting her when she comes out. Galliard believes you when you say it was the Yeagers acting alone. You want Zeke dead, and you’ve explained that Zeke is indeed a Fritz, explaining why he’s able to turn Pure Titans, but how the Founding Titan is useless without a royal and useless _with_ a royal. 

All that work, all that death and destruction, for a useless titan that wouldn’t have done anyone but Zeke any real good.

But you can use the Founder, somewhat. Pieck had gone through the records again following the attack on Liberio, and there was an old genealogy book that the Tybur’s lent. Your grandmother from four generations back was a quarter Fritz, making her an extremely potent Verite during the Great Titan War. She even made a note that the women in your family had been exceptionally powerful, meaning that you’re more than you realize. How did they miss that?

And to prove your dedication to returning the children safely, you’ve offered a letter incriminating yourself. Magath scoffs, but Reiner knows that you’ve done it. Galliard’s not one to make something like that up.

It isn’t until two mornings later that Magath starts to believe with the second to last communication.

 _You_ were shot. But how were you shot? The only scenario where you could have been injured like that, but healed enough that Pieck or Galliard wouldn’t have noticed sooner would have been around the time of Liberio, but… you can’t change time? Can you? He was with you in that vision where Gabi shot Sasha. You were unharmed, but—it couldn’t be. 

Magath gets frustrated that Reiner’s focusing too much on that piece of intel, deeming it unimportant, though it’s one of the most important pieces of information on this entire page if his hypothesis is correct.

“She’s given Finger and Galliard Survey Corps uniforms so they can better blend in, but Gabi and Falco ‘ran away.’ I don’t believe it. More likely they were taken somewhere out of reach,” Magath grunts.

“But, sir! Wouldn’t you expect two capable Candidates to have been able to make an escape? It’s not like she can be there with them every waking hour, and besides, if she’s given them uniforms, she’s given us the tools we need to get in close and kill Eren—”

 _“Kill?_ Who said anything about _killing_ Eren Yeager?!” Magath interrupts Colt. “The goal is still to bring the Coordinate into Marleyan jurisdiction so we can stop this war once and for all. And what’s this about her burning Galliard?”

Magath hands Reiner the correspondence, and he doesn’t care so much about the burning as he does what’s below it. According to you, Galliard will be able to eat Eren. In Shiganshina. But he knows Eren, how bold he’s gotten—not that he wasn’t before. It’s going to be one hell of a fight. 

That first vision you had shown him in Marley flashes before his eyes. Galliard isn’t going to make it. Neither is Colt. They need to plan for that, even if you’re somehow able to alter things, and if you’re involved, Reiner seriously doubts that you’ll sit back and allow for either of them to die. 

You care too much. _It’s going to get you killed._

❦

The Marleyan military has already arrived, along with a notice from Pieck that the Commander-in-Chief has been assassinated, resulting in the escape of Eren and his friends. With the information you’ve given Galliard, Magath and Reiner are able to organize the assault that will take place in Shiganshina. With the uniforms you provided Pieck and Galliard, they will be able to successfully get Eren to a rooftop, probably one of the tallest structures in Shiganshina. Pieck’s report noted that it had been evacuated in anticipation of a strike, and your vision confirms Shiganshina as the place for the battle to begin.

He really fucking hates Shiganshina and everything it represents. 

Hopefully, his hypothesis is right and you’re able to change things. Hopefully, this will be the end for Eren Yeager.

❦

In the airships, they plan to do another aerial assault. Honestly? Reiner’s doubtful of the Marleyan soldier’s response. Eldians are, by and large, exempt from this attack, but Eldians are the ones who have to fight the most and have the most combat experience. He’d rather have that than soldiers who’ve never seen a fight.

“There. Galliard’s given us the signal,” Reiner hears coming from the cockpit. Reiner stands, makes his way to the front to see the target. “Pieck and Galliard have exposed the bastard.”

Finally.

The soldiers start parachuting from the airships, including the anti-titan artillery that will be strapped to Pieck’s Cart. 

Reiner’s the last one to jump. He needs as many soldiers as possible to survive if any of them have any hope to kill Eren, who’s now in possession of three titans. Reiner’s transformation has nowhere near the same destructive capacity as ~~Bertl’s~~ the Colossal Titan’s, but all the same, if he were to go out now, it would put the men below at risk. 

Wind whips around him, circulating from the open hangar doors, and he can see Eren’s titan leap from the military headquarters in Shiganshina. The soldiers are far enough below that Reiner can safely jump, and it’s obvious that Eren knows exactly where he is.

Usually, he enjoys jumping from airships. The rush of adrenaline is different from a fight, different from assuming the Armor, but this time is different. 

Eren’s already defeated Reiner in titan form three different times, and this fight isn’t going to be pretty. Reiner just has to hold onto the knowledge of the future you’ve shown him, where he survives, where he knows he makes it through this, even if Colt and Galliard don’t.

He transforms mid-air, landing with a resounding _BOOM!_ that shakes the surrounding architecture. As Reiner makes it through the steam, Eren lunges forward and Reiner crouches, lowering his center of gravity.

This won’t be like last time.  
It can’t be like last time.

Eren manages to grab ahold of Reiner’s head, and before it makes impact, he sees Eren hardening his fist, utilizing both the crystallized armor and the War Hammer armor. Reiner’s jaw is unhinged, and even though it’s not his actual jaw, it _fucking_ hurts. The armor covering the right half of his face is decimated, utterly. Shit!

Reiner tries to hit him with an uppercut, but Eren’s left fist makes contact with the unprotected half of his face, completely destroying what’s left. Even still, his eye is still intact, and he’s still able to see Eren’s incoming hit.

Eren’s using too much force, leaving his lower half unguarded, making his center of gravity too high. Reiner never was good with fighting, not like you, not like Annie, but he’s learned some things. He dodges the punch, grabbing ahold of Eren’s hip with his right arm and under his leg with his left, throwing him to the ground.

The momentary victory isn’t enough, though, as Eren’s foot firmly plants into Reiner’s face, kicking him back with considerable force. As he rises, Reiner sees Jaws coming up behind him. 

Eren leans forward, almost crouching, and there’s a loud _CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!_ as he tries to utilize the War Hammer’s ability to create spears, but Galliard’s faster, slicing through the spires growing from Eren’s back, giving Reiner the chance to grab onto Eren’s face. Holding him in place, Galliard gets the hint and goes in for the nape—

FUCK!

Utilizing the War Hammer’s ability while they were focused on cutting him from the nape, shooting a variety of spires in the immediate vicinity, one stabbing through Galliard’s left shoulder, two piercing Reiner’s chest. There’s a cry, and a glance to the right shows that the Survey Corps have arrived to fight them.

No, you guys don’t _get it!_ He _needs_ to be stopped! 

Before Reiner’s eyes, as Galliard tries to maneuver himself off the spire, anti-titan artillery shoots straight through Eren’s skull. That’s not enough—it needs to be the nape! Fuck, the entire titan needs to be incinerated!

But it’s given Galliard and him time to break through the spires. Gunfire and orders fill the air with the momentary lull in titan screams, signifying the engaging of Marleyans against the Survey Corps. The airships start raining fire, limiting their mobility, and not a moment sooner.

Galliard, being faster, manages to get close to Eren, get close to the nape, and he leaps before another series of spikes overtake the area again. Reiner barely blocks in time, barely avoids being cleaved open again. He breaks off a spire as Eren screams, his face healing from the second shot.

Why is he still fighting? Why won’t he just let them finish this? Everyone’s suffered enough. _He’s_ suffered enough. So why?!

Reiner pierces Eren’s shoulder before he sends out another attack, slicing through Reiner’s forearm. Galliard comes diving from above—how does he do that?—and Eren screams again, sending his right fist back into Galliard’s face, the force sending him back hundreds of meters.

Using the distraction, Reiner flips Eren, pins him onto the ground.

How did it come to this? All Reiner wanted was to go home a hero. All he wants now is to stop this, to save the world, and to live out the rest of his days in peace. What the hell is Eren doing? How could he have ever thought the two of them were similar?

As Reiner’s about to bite, about to end this, take the power from him because it’s too risky to allow Eren a moment more of life, Eren’s hand shoots through Reiner’s open maw, shoots through the skull, tearing it apart. Before he can counterattack, Reiner’s hit in the face with boulders—something he never thought he would be on the receiving end of.

“I’m meeting you here as promised, but maybe I’m a little late. Good job holding out on your own, Eren. Now just leave the rest to your big brother.”

Fucking bastard.

They’re still going to try to make contact. Reiner needs to stop this, but he—he needs to get his bearings.

A moment.  
Two.

Distant thudding of Eren moving closer to Zeke’s position.

Reiner pushes himself up, pushes himself forward. He has to try—has to stop them, but Zeke pummels him with stone again, this time taking out one of his legs. Shit.

He’s tired.  
Tired of this fight  
of living  
of being Eldian  
of this curse.

But he has to keep going. He gets to that point, that campfire.

“What was that?!”

Anything that catches Zeke off guard is good. Is it you? Thinking about it, he hasn’t seen any of the 104th. Where are you all?

Again, Reiner pushes himself up, uses the momentary distraction. As he fixes his gaze on Zeke atop Wall Maria, he hears the _CRACK!_ of Pieck’s anti-titan artillery. In a flash, it hits Zeke. In a flash, he falls from the Wall. 

Eren falters in his approach, and Reiner tackles him, pinning him to the ground by the chest. He’s not going to repeat the mistake Eren made four years prior during their first fight.

“So… I fell and got shot?”

What will it take to make these Yeagers fucking die?!

Reiner breaks off Eren’s right fist, but Eren manages to grab Reiner’s throat with his left. When Zeke calls for Eren, Reiner takes the moment to examine Porco’s titan husk. As he reaches out with his left hand, still holding Eren with his right, he feels that _flash!_ , like a match being struck on his skin.

He sees it before him—Marcel’s confession. 

It’s enough of a distraction—did he learn that from _you?!_ —that Zeke starts to get up, crawl towards where Eren lays.

“Eren. I will summon the titans!”

SHIT.

This whole offensive counted on the complete elimination of titans on Paradis. The Marleyans are going to be defenseless! They don’t know how to fight them!

Two figures run past a corner and he recognizes the light blonde of their hair. 

“Please wait! It’s Falco! He drank some of your spinal fluid! Please!! Don’t scream!”

No.  
Zeke—how could you?

“You know about me, don’t you? I’m inheriting the Beast so they won’t send my family to Paradise! I never knew _what_ you were thinking, even before you betrayed us! The Zeke I knew wouldn’t drag kids into this!”

Zeke isn’t going to listen, not for one kid, even if it is Falco. Gabi runs up on a horse, calling for Falco to get on, but you’re nowhere to be seen. Are you—dead? Have you taught her how to ride? He hopes you have because he doesn’t know how the hell else they’re going to get Falco and her out of here in time.

“Colt. You care for your little brother, as do I. So it is truly a shame—” 

The scream is ear-shattering, and the sky lights up gold with the transformations taking place throughout the city. It’s all Reiner can do to keep Eren pinned as he watches Falco transform, as he watches Colt get incinerated.

“Get him, Falco. GET REINER.”

SHIT.

Falco comes at Reiner full tilt, grabbing him in a standard grappling hold. He manages to get Falco onto his back, to pin Falco by his throat while he keeps Eren’s head down, and he knows he’s in deep shit. Porco won’t get up, and he can’t take them both on, not when he has to worry about an enemy that _could_ kill him and an enemy that _will_ kill him.

He’s pulled from his thoughts as Eren kicks him square in the chest, trying to run away. Lunging forward, he grabs onto Eren’s ankle, bringing him back to the ground, but doing so sacrifices the hold he had on Falco. Falco rolls onto Reiner, teeth meeting the protective armor that guards Reiner’s nape.

Maybe—maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. He’s certain that you’ve already changed the future once, so what’s one more time? What’s worse than saving this kid, even for just a little longer? 

Another shot comes down from the Wall, severing Zeke’s nape, effectively killing the Beast Titan. His grip on Eren’s leg loosens, just a little. 

If Zeke is dead, Eren can’t do it. There’s no need to fight anymore. He starts to release the armor on his nape, ready to rest, but Falco suddenly stops gnawing at him. 

“I used up all my power to heal my body,” Reiner hears, adjusting his head to see as Porco walks up, his face still steaming as it tries to heal. The uniform you gave him is disheveled, coming apart, and his carefully styled hair is a mess. This… this is it. “I’m not going down for nothing.”

Falco runs towards Porco and Reiner fails to grab him. No! This is not—dammit—he can’t fail Marcel again!

“I saw Marcel’s memories. He tricked the army into making a loser like you a warrior all to protect me. Now you have to admit it—that, to the end, I’ve always been better than you.”

Falco slides towards him, mouth agape, swallowing half of Porco before biting down.

_EREN. This is on you!_

Reiner turns, fist swinging with full force, except when it makes contact, it shatters on hardened titan crystal. Further ahead, Eren’s running—but no. He doesn’t run away. That’s always been his detriment. He doesn’t know when to wait, when to stop.

Is that—?  
It is.  
He’s running towards his brother.

Using all of the strength available to him, he breaks out of the crystalized grasp holding him back. He’ll smash the bastard, here and now!

Eren turns, fear clouding his eyes, and as he’s within reach, a thunder spear pierces Reiner’s hand and another pierces his ear. He watches in horror as Eren gets dangerously close, until there’s a deafening _BOOM!_ , a flash of light, and Eren’s decapitated head flying through the air towards Zeke. He catches it and—

It feels like he’s burning!

The—the Walls. They’re crumbling! Not just that, but the Armor—

No. GABI! She’s exposed, in the vicinity of what is turning into the largest titan known to have existed, in the vicinity of the Colossal Titans emerging from the Walls. It’s loud, deafening, but none of that matters when he just needs to protect her—

_ “Hear me, all Subjects of Ymir. My name is Eren Yeager. I now speak to all the Subjects of Ymir through the Founding Titan. Every Wall on the island of Paradis has been undone, all titans buried within them have begun their march. My goal is to protect the people of Paradis, the land where I was born and raised. But the world desires the extinction of the people of Paradis. Over the decades, the world’s hatred has grown beyond the bounds of this island. The people of the world will not stop until they have exterminated every last one of us. I reject these wishes. My titans will march across every land, snuffing out all life in those lands.” _

They’ve failed. Everyone here, every human, every lifeform on this cursed planet has _failed._

❦

He gets out of his titan, following Gabi through the streets in her pursuit to find Falco. Jean and Connie must’ve taken him—it’s the only thing that makes sense. But where were _you?_

“Last I saw, she was taking Falco to clean him up after he was attacked. I didn’t see where they took her because Eren Yeager took me captive,” Gabi answers, and he realizes that he must have asked out loud.

“Who? _Who_ took her?”

“Soldiers arrived, different from the ones she had with her. When I passed through the building, they had their guns pointed at her team.”

Shit. 

His head starts to feel foggy, aching slowly taking over his body, making him sluggish, weak—

“Reiner!”

He’s hurt, really bad. Gabi pulls him into a nearby building. She helps create a makeshift bed with blankets and pillows and brings him apples and stale bread—which is still better than when he was last on the island.

❦

He drifts in and out of consciousness, wanting nothing more than a permanent rest.

Everything is lost.

Surely now, he can rest.

His last thoughts before sleep consumes him are of the campfire, of the survivors of today sitting together. Of reluctant hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and kudos if you enjoy this at all! Feedback is _always_ appreciated! From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for the overwhelming love and support!
> 
> ❦
> 
> **UPDATE 07 March 2021**
> 
> OKAY. I've mapped out the final _six_ chapters, including an epilogue. 138 has me feeling things that I'm not emotionally equipped to handle at the moment, so please forgive me for taking a quick break from VOV. It definitely has not been forgotten about, though I can no longer make guarantees that it will be finished by 9 April 2021.
> 
>   
>  It's coming.   
>  It's coming.


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